Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda! E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com Gender: Female Location: Manitoba, Canada Occupation: student Age: 34 Member Since: April 9, 2006 Answers: 193 Last Update: October 5, 2006 Visitors: 21101
Main Categories: General Sex Questions Mental health Families View All
Favorite Columnists karenR Razhie isis Alin75 Nallie MaxwellsSilverHammer TheTeenGirl thistimeofyear
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the race for the cure in tyler tx is the same weekend as my banquet. were supposed to go b/c my mom and grandma both had it and my grandma lives in tyler. im not going b/c i have banquet and i have a date who i REALLY wanna go w/ but now i dont know how im gonna get there if my mom and sister arent gonna be here i dunno if my dad could take me and i feel guilty for not going cuz its mothers day weekend. is it ok for me not to go and go to my banquet instead? (link)
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Hi there
I think you need to stick with family on this issue.
I understand how much you want to go to the banquet, but at what cost? This seems to be VERY important to your mom and your grandma.
Because they have both suffered from this disease, they probably feel so lucky (as should you:), and they want to help other people and their families. You have to understand why it's so important for you to go.
Boyfriends/girlfriends will come and go out of your life forever (some will stay awhile), but your family is there forever. I think you should race.
Take care,
Brenda
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my boyfriend proposed to me last week... and i want to say yes ... but something doesnt seem right...
Like there are times when if we dissagree on a subject he will yell and scream ... even if he's completley wrong ...
Hes alaways accusing me of being unfaithful... and I never would do anything like that ...
if i don't want to have sex somehow he always guilts me into it ...
and he's even hit me a few times ...
I just want to know how i can bring these up to him without making him angry ... because i do love him ... im just sligltly bothered by these things ...
Katie (link)
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Hi
You are only slightly bothered by these things???? Oh honey...you need to walk away.
Seriously you sound like a great girl...who has a chance to set your life on an extroidinary path (going to school). Why would you want to give that up to someone who is abusive to you.
He sounds exactly like my ex-boyfriend...and TRUST ME, it does not get better. You are young and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you...experience life. It's a known fact that people who keep accusing their partners of being unfaithful, are usually the guilty party. The fact that he guilts you into sex is borderline rape...and he hits you!!
Girl, I am telling you that you deserve WAY WAY better than that. Please do not marry him...especially at your age. Good luck.
Brenda
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ive always wanted to make-out with this boy. one day he asked me to. but i said no and just kissed him regularly. im so afriad that im not going to know how to do it, that everytime i get asked i deny it. i need serious help.
--confused (link)
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Hi
Just do what comes naturally....it could be you're not ready.
When you are ready, you will be willing to try, and it will all work out, but until then...kisses will do just fine :)
Brenda
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All I'd like to know is how would you know if you pregnant. I got married about 5 months ago, I've been off contraception for about 2months. My tummy has been feeling slightly uncomfortable and a slight hint of nausea and I've started discharging alot, my last period was extremely light, didn't bleed more than 5ml a day. Will your tummy harden immediately or will it still be flabby cos mine is still flabby that's the only thing stopping me from taking a test. (link)
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Hi
The only way to know for sure is to take a test.
I remember when I was pregnant (unexpecteldy) the thing that I noticed the most was REALLY sore breasts. This does not happen to everyone, but it is a sign.
No, your stomach doesn't get hard till further on..not right away. It also depends on how flabby your stomach is to begin with :) I was heavy when I got pregnant, so it was a while before my stomach got hard.
Nausea is usually a sure sign...especially if this is something that you don't normally experience. Discharge is also common.
One thing with pregnancy symptoms is that they can often mimick symptoms of menstration and ovulation. I suggest you take the test, so you can put your mind at ease, and then do what you need to do. I'm assuming that if you stopped taking contraceptives, then this is something that you and your husband both want? If you are pregnant, then congrats girl!!! Take care.
Brenda
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how do i keep really bad strech marks from coming while i'm pregnate and any advice about giving birth plez help me thanx alot (link)
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Hi
Unfortunately stretch marks are all part of the pregnancy experience....whether we like it or not.
One thing that I used when I was pregnant was vitamin E cream. If you rub it into your tummy everyday that does help. It doesn't completely stop them, but does lessen the look of the stretch marks.
As for birthing advice....EPIDURAL:) If that is something you feel comfortable with, then do it. It helped me so much, and made the birthing experience so much easier.
Once you have that little baby in your arms, any pain you went through will disappear. Good luck to you.
Brenda
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hi im 13 and my boyfriend is 16 yes i know thats an age gap. well i understand that he likes drinkin and ya i do to sadly. but i dont really do it as much anymore. and he told me staright up he was gonna stop. then he went out and did it again and i asked him why he said that when he didnt mean to and he said because he just wanted to. well sometimes i feel like he would rather be drinking and other stuff then rather being with me like beer is more important. how can i stop myself from feeling this way.
p.s he ditches me to go do that stuff (link)
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Hi
Do you really want to commit all your energy and hearbreak to someone who would rather drink and get drunk than spend time with you?
The fact that he "ditches" you to do other things, should have you turning around and walking the other way. You are WAY more important than alcohol, and deserve someone who devotes his time to you and not a bottle.
I also hope you will reconsider this drinking thing on your part. Your body and mind are still growing, and alcohol is going to affect how you become as an adult. There's plenty of time to drink when you're older. Sorry...but I'm a mom! Take care.
Brenda
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Hi, my name is molly and i was wondering if you ever had irregular periods due to your weight? I am about 200 lbs and i havent had a period in almost 5 months.Just wondering if it happens to you? (link)
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Hi Molly
Yes, I totally had this problem. I had my period maybe four times a year, if that.
Being overweight can affect your mentrual cycle and ovulation. It probably wouldn't hurt to check this out with your doctor, just in case it's something more. You can never be too careful with your health!
But as far as irregular periods, yes your normal :) Take care.
Brenda
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i just am sick of not having any tru friends and best friends. im really sick of it. i try so hard to have best friends when all they do is turn their backs on me. i dont know what im doing wrong. i invite ppl all the time places and nobody even wants to hang with me im giving up i have like no true friends and i dont know what to do..in my opinion.. im prolly the sweetest person. i dont talk much about ppl. so i dont know what im doing wrong. how do i get a best friend. this is killing me. i need more friends tho. well wahtever advice anybody has for me please tell me and i hope i explained well.
=/ (link)
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Hi Sweetie
Maybe your trying too hard. You do sound like a sweet person, and I'm not sure you are doing anything wrong. You just haven't met the right people.
Even on a friendship level there is an attraction (not a physical, sexual one), but an emotional attraction. You need to find people that have similar interests as you.
Are you into sports, or any after school activities? Maybe if you got involved in extra-curricular activities you could meet someone who likes the same things you do. This doesn't just involve sports either...it could be drama, games, computers...pretty much anything. You could ask your parent's to sign you up for a group activity.
Whatever you do, just remember to ALWAYS be yourself and don't change just to please other people. If they don't like you for who you are, then they are not very good friends. Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Hey I am really jealous of my best friend and recently I have become quite depressed about it and cutting out bits of skin and crying on a night. Her we go:
*We have similar personalities but its like whatever she says goes more than what I say
* She has a big immaculate house, a perfect family and generous parents and she doesn't act a bit spoilt at all but shes always complaing about her life to us.
* she can afford to go to posh gyms and restaurants and buy whatever she wants
* Shes really pretty, even though people say Im prettier, and she looks gorgeous in the simplest of outfits because she's born with a perfect tan and the perfect body.
* its all happening for her: boyfriend( that i fancy n could have had but was too shy to go for it wen she started likin him), partys, money, moving house, more friends
* shes buying all the clothes i want but she doesnt know it and i get depressed because people will think im copying her.
i could go on forever. Everyone likes me just as much as her its just its like she has more to offer and i know i seem like a depressed teenager but i need something to overcome this jealousy before i snap. luv rach xxx (link)
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Hi Rach
It's so easy to get caught up in envy...which to me is what you are feeling more so than jealousy.
There are ALWAYS going to be people that you feel have it better than you. There are ALWAYS going to be people that have more money, better looks, better boyfriends, but really.....who cares.
You said yourself, everyone likes you, you're pretty, and you can get the guy!! You need to look within yourself and realize how lucky YOU are.
There are probably several girls in your school that look at you and wish they had what you do.
When things seem to get you down, make a list of all the things you can be grateful for, and know that there are millions of people who have it far worse than you. Take care.
Brenda
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me and my x bf have been on and off for 2 years and even if were off were still kinda together...like holding hands..etc...and one day he went to a party and got with a girl..and he called me that same nite and told me that all my friends are going to be lying to be the next day sayign that he got with someone but its not true...well i found out its true and he admitted it to me...and i just want to know if i have a right to be mad..because he doesnt think so... (link)
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Hi
After reading your question my main concern would be that he lied.
It's one thing that he hooked up with a girl (if you two weren't really together then this should be ok right?) If you two were together, then you definitely have a reason to be upset.
The lying thing to me is the worst. He obviously felt guilty or he wouldn't have phoned you to tell you what you "might" hear.
Sounds to me like it't time to move on. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and you only....and who won't lie!!! Take care.
Brenda
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I have this pimple on my upper lipline and it's kinda big and red. What can I put on it to make it smaller (something i don't have to buy) because I have to go out tomorrow and this is bugging me. (link)
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Hi
I'm wondering if it is really a pimple. Have you ever had a cold sore?
If you're sure it's a pimple then I always put toothpaste on mine...dries it right up!! If it's a cold sore, then there are many over the counter remedies to make them go away. However if it is a cold sore (which is a virus), then you should see a doctor. Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Ive been raped before and everytime im with a guy i get flashbacks. its been about 10 years since this has happened but im still scared its gonna happen again. how can i get over the feeling? (link)
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Hi
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel (I've been there more than once).
I found that to get past these troubling flashbacks and nightmares you have to work through your feelings. Are you in councelling? This is so important. A good councellor can work with you until you can step out of your black haze and move on with your life productively.
Of course the bad memories will never completely go away, but it can and will get better if you take the right steps.
Writing this question was a great step. The fact that you are recognizing your problem and are seeking help is so important. The worst thing you can do is keep it bottled up inside.
It's terrifying to re-live your attack every time you want to have sex, maybe you should consider abstinence until you feel you've worked through your issues? Just a thought. Please get help. Take care.
Brenda
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Recently, the guy that I really liked told me that he felt the same way too. Right now we are getting to know each other by talking to each other. He keeps telling my friend all of this negative stuff and saying what doesn't like about me. He said that he doesn't like the fact that I'm too serious, I'm bad at giving advice, I have a low self esteem, no confidence, and I don't enjoy drinking or partying. That makes me feel like I have to change everything myself so he'll like me. so I'm really confused and I don't know what to do. (link)
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Hi
When you find the right person, that person will love everything about you (of course there will always be little pet peeves), he would not expect you to change, to do something you wouldn't normally do.
It's obvious that if he is trying to change you, he doesn't like everything about you. Please don't ever change yourself for the sake of trying to please another person. You will end up miserable, and look at yourself in the mirror saying "who am I".
If he can't accept you the way you are then maybe it's time to move on to someone who will look at all your wonderful qualities, without trying to change who you are.
If you're happy with yourself, then that is really all that matters. Take care.
Brenda
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Is it normal to feel like cutting, or drinking or using self-destructive behavior after a break-up? I can't get over someone I've been with for over two years and he broke it off. I feel like hurting myself, is there something wrong?
(link)
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Hi
After a bad breakup it is completely normal to feel a bit blue/depressed. It's normal to cry, it's normal to feel hurt, it's normal to be angry.
It is NOT normal to become self-destructive. Cutting yourself, or hurting yourself in ANY way is a crystal clear sign that you are not coping well and need help. You need someone to talk to...to cry to, to spill out all your feelings. This could be a friend, a parent, an older sibling, or it could be a therapist.
Alot of times the therapist/councellor is the one to go to because they can help you from an outside standpoint. They don't know you, they don't know your ex-boyfriend. They can give you an un-biased opinion, and truly help you through this.
I know when you lose someone that you loved dearly it is very hard to move on. They were such an important part of your life for a long period of time and then to all of a sudden have to continue on without them is rough.
You will get through it, you will move on, you will find someone else. Please get help before you hurt yourself any further. Take care.
Brenda
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ok so a few years ago i came across a few letters and had no idea what it really meant, then a few weeks ago i went looking for the letters again. In those letters i found out my father had had an affair with my mothers best friend. My parents are stilll together, and they do not know that i have found out about this secret. And then a few days ago i found some txt messages on my dads phone saying stuff like "u never really loved me...u f***** me..." they were not from anyone i knew, but why were they on his phone?
Separate to knowing this, i started to cut. i got scared thought, beacause i know you can cut a vein and die.
im sad and angery, but i have no real reason.
i really want to talk to someone about everything but who can i turn to? sometime i feel like a therapist might help but i have no way of getting to one... (link)
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Hi
It must be really hard to find out that your parent's marriage has/had some major flaws.
As kids we grow up looking up to our parents and seeing the way they treat each other. If it was me I would bring it up to whichever parent you feel most comfortable talking to..this may be both.
It's obviously eating you up inside, which is causing you to hurt yourself. I don't think you want to be cutting yourself and leaving permanent scars on your body. Is there a counsellor at your school that you could confide in?
Seeing a therapist is not hard to do. You could contact a hospital and ask about their mental health program.
You're an intelligent girl, and you know that you need to talk about this in order to resolve it within yourself. Please keep in mind that you have no control over what happens in your parent's marriage and therefore you shouldn't take on that responsibility.
Please get help...because you're right...cutting yourself can lead to MAJOR health issues both physically and mentally. Take care.
Brenda
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i sometimes ( like when i lay down for a while ) have a sharp pain right above my navel. what is this?? is it part of the sytoms of starting a period. I doubt it. but i really hope not!! THanks! (link)
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Hi
It could be because you are ovulating. This happens approximately a week before your period. It's always best to check with a medical professional though. Good luck.
Brenda
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well one of my friends was raped the other day and it was horrible. well i want her second time to be more enjoyable and be with someone who really loves her and i do. well i dont know wut hit me, but i said i would give my virginity to make sure her second time was enjoyable and with some1 she loves and who loves her back. well now im having second thoughts. well she is really excited about it and i sorta am too, but i dont know. by the way i am 14 and she is 16. i just want to make her happy, and i only want to lose my virginity to either her or my g/f. well she lives in oklahoma and i live in illinois and she might come up here durring the summer so i need help. please help me and thanx in advance. should i do it with my friends or wait? (link)
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Hi
O.K.....before I start I want you to know that I realize that you think you have your friends best interest at heart, and I commend you for that.
I also know what it's like to be raped at her age. The LAST thing that she or you should be thinking about is her next time.
She needs to get into councelling to talk about
what happened to her. Being raped is a complete violation of one's body and mind. You don't get over something like that by having sex with your friend that you trust. It may be years before she can willingly have sex and enjoy it.
The best thing you can do for her is to be there for her to talk to, to let her cry on your shoulder, just be a friend. The last time I checked, being a great friend did not include having sex with them.
When the time comes that she's ready...who knows...maybe you two could hook up then (if you're both available).
You mentioned that you are having second thoughts and I think that tells you exactly what you need to know. But that also means that it could lead to a VERY awkward experience for both of you...something that she especially nor you need!
Please rethink this and decide against it. I honestly think it would do more harm than good. You have a girlfriend, and no matter what others say she does not have to "understand" that you want to have sex with someone else...regardless of the circumstances.
You need to wait and have sex with the right person, for the right reasons, and only when you both are ready. I know the last thing you would want is to hurt your friend or your girlfriend.
Keep sex out of it!!
Take care,
Brenda
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How do I prove to my girlfriend that I like her more? Everytime I say I do, she says "Prove it." So i'm out to find a way tp prove it. (link)
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Hi
In my opinion, the best way to "prove" that you like/love someone more is to SHOW it.
You can say "I love you" till the cows come home, but showing her your love will go farther (not that saying I love you is bad thing).
Now, I'm not talking about sex....I'm talking about holding hands, little kisses, hugs, flowers, appreciation. Do something for her that you know she will love.
I also think that she must have a minimal self-esteem or she wouldn't be thinking this. Almost like she has to keep being reassured that you still want to be in the relationship. By SHOWING her that you do, she will soon realize that you're not going anywhere. Take care.
Brenda
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Tonight is familynight and I've known about it for about 3 days. I also got invited to go somewhere else with some of my friends. But the thing is that the place that I might go with my friends A LOT of people are going to. So it will give me a chance to mix and mingle with a lot of people and have fun. The place with my friends seem so much more fun that family night. But I don't know if I should just ditch my family for my friends? Can anyone help? What would you do? What is the right thing to do? (link)
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Hi there
Have you ever heard of the saying "blood is thicker than water"?
For the rest of your life friends will come and go...of course a few will stay. Family will ALWAYS be there for you, and I think you should stick with them. Could you go out with your friends after? I understand how much you want to go with your friends, but do you want to hurt your family in the process?
I know alot of teenage kids roll their eyes at the thought of family night, but as you get older you will appreciate the fact that your parents want to spend time with you...and it is so important to maintain good family ties.
When I was a teenager I honestly thought that when I turned 18 I would leave home and never talk to my mom again (we fought all the time)...now that I'm 34 with my own family, my mom and I are like best friends. I treasure her soooooo much and wish that I didn't waste all those years fighting with her. Take care.
Brenda
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Ok well the last time i saw him was in january and its now April! ive not seen him so long now he went to hospital and i asked him what hospital he was in and he would not tell me so i guessed and i sent him a get well soon card because he said do not come and visit me then he said hes transfered to another hospital for surgery so i said what hospital i will come and visit you he never told me and it was obvious he never wanted me to see his family like his mum and dad. I had not seen him for a year before i saw him in january but i realised i like him alot in fact i actually thought id fallen for him but since he told me in a text hes ok i thought it was best to leave him alone so ive done so, and ive heard nothing from him not even hello!! It frustrates me that he never contacts me he sits on msn but set to away and im just waiting and waiting for him to say something to me. I mean when i saw him he told me he loves me but if you love someone you usually contact them. Also when i phoned him when he was in hospital as i cared about him he was pretty rude he said don't you think its abit late to be calling me? it was about 10.30 so what im wondering is what shall i do? leave him alone like im doing but not hearing even hello? Thank you in advance for your answers (link)
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Hello
I think the question you need to ask yourself is this....Do you want to commit your time, your feelings, and and your heartbreak to someone who doesn't want to be with you?
Just because he's not interested doesn't mean you won't find someone who is. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you always.
He doesn't deserve whatever energy you're putting into him. I think he's made it crystal clear that he's not interested. As hard as that is to hear, I think you already knew that......I also believe that you are an intelligent, caring person who will find someone deserving of your attention. Delete him from your contacts...and move on.
You're worth it girl!! Take care.
Brenda
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