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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I’ve liked this guy for a while now, but he moved away quite a few months ago. We’ve been maintaining contact through text but I wonder if he sees me as a friend... or something else. It’s difficult because there’s no face-to-face time. But recently I was telling him about how I feel I’m weird and he said he didn’t think I was weird, more that I was a sweetheart and the loveliest person he’s met. He tends to be very nice to those he likes (I mean friends and whatnot, its his way of acting) so I don’t know if that means something more, especially since he didn’t call me a friend. I’m very bad at this and that’s why I want to know for sure, I love the friendship I have with him and wouldn’t want to jeopardize that.

When it comes to being attracted to another person, the visual physical attraction is one thing and the other is everything that makes up who you are inside, your personality and character. If a guy is attracted to the outside you get two different actions depending on the type of guy. 1 is the guy who because of the visual stimulation is interested in having sex, and that only. Doesn't mean he is at all interested in getting to know the you inside.
2 is the guy who is truly looking for a long term or life time mate and is first looking for someone he feels physical chemistry with and then of those, he spends enough time to get to know the personality, then chooses one to get to know even better before deciding on forever. This is the dating period.

THere was no mention of him being physically attracted to you, if he were, you'd probably know because unless he is extremely shy and quiet and secretly crushing on a girl, with most guys, they willl attempt to ask you out. A guy does not ask out a girl he is not physically attracted to. For that matter, neither would any female ask out a guy she is not attracted to because you wouldn't want to encourage someone to pursue you back if you can't stand the idea of even holding hands not to mention sharing a kiss.

So I am almost 100 percent sure that from what you have shared only, that he doesn't sound interested in you physically. A friend is all you are right now. Wether that might ever change, is only a slight possibility based on taking the infatuation out of your mind into the real world if he shows interest in hanging out with you in person and taking you out, the time needed to get to know someone better. Two people can do that as friends if they are single and not seeing anyone else. Its during those times that as they get to know each other, one or both decide that there's something there or that there isn't. The problem is that sometimes only one of two people are attracted when the other doesn't feel any attraction.
This is about pheromones. I spent time on dating sites before meeting my second husband and can tell you that there is such a thing as two people being attracted to the other persons personality and all and maybe their physical looks as well but when they meet in person, they realize that spark, that magic feeling, that sexual awareness of them and feeling that attraction in just the look in their eyes, touching of hand or even a kiss is either there or not. I met with a guy at a restaurant. He seemed online to be everything I was looking for. In person, both he and I realized already as we were waiting for our order and verbalized it that neither of us felt that romantic spark or attraction. So one person in some cases can tell there is no attraction while the other person is so sure that they do. Its a chemistry thing, but its lacking so the attraction there isn't based on pheromones which I deem very important. Lets explain this way to make sure
I will share it simply with paint colors. Lets say you are blue paint. If he is totally 100% blue paint, the color matches and doesnt change. If you are blue and he is yellow, there is nothing at all the same, everything clashes and you end up with green. If you are 100 percent blue and he is 50% or more blue mixed with something else, then there may be enough blue for you to be attracted to him, and vice versa. Maybe a bad example but its the vast differences in pheromones that you come with that make all the difference. You can't change your pheromones. And the idea is to find not only your best friend but someone who is also your best sexual equal. Heres a good example. I liked one guy I met even at dinner so there must have been enough pheromones to still feel some attraction. So when we went out to our prospective cars, I made sure to get a kiss goodnight. And the kiss was the telling factor. It felt gross like getting a romantic kiss from a male relative. He didn't do anything wrong. He'd be hot stuff for the right gal but our chemistry wasn't enough for me to feel the sexual spark. If I can't get past the kiss, there will be no sex ever.

So just try every once in a while just hanging out in person as friends, if you feel he hasn't had enough chance to get to know you well enough to discover he does feel a spark for you or not. If you've known each other for a year or two and have seen each other very often weekly monthly, then he may already have a good idea of who you are and nice as you are, not feel any inclination. But if short term knowing him, then give it a chance yet to see if anything happens but that can only happen hanging out in person. OFten attraction starts on a friend level, then it gets to the point where both may be developing feelings and afraid to lose the friendship if the other doesn't feel the same. It depends on if the two were attracted enough as friends to care as deeply as any married couple, just minus the romance and sex. If there is a background of this kind of friendship, then at one point you can ask, "We do so good together as friends. It makes me wonder how we would do as 'more than friends'. WHat do you think?" This way you aren't stating that you have feelings already and scare him away. You ask for his opinion. If he still hasn't developed feelings slowly, then he'll answer no we're just friends nothing more. If he's been afraid to share his feelings for fear of losing you as a friend, then he'll grab at the opportunity to check it out together with you to see whether you can be friends. Females develope feelings that aren't based deep enough, more just from the romance so don't consider that enough dear. Hope this helps.

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I'm a 34 year old woman who's kinda seeing a guy.. He refers to me as his special friend... By the way he's 53 years old... We met about six weeks ago at a grocery store, He called me the same day we met and we pretty much hit it off from there... We talked on the phone for hours we shared a strong connection... He made me happy, after nine years of being single, And just seriously thinking of getting back into the dating world, I thought I hit the jackpot...

Ok so, the first thing he did was lie to me... He initially told me he was 50 years old, and later he told me that he was actually 53 and he didn't want to tell me at first because he thought it would scare me away, I was a little annoyed because I never dated anyone that much older and I started to get use to him being 16 years older than me instead of 19 years older... I got over it, I didn't feel that it was a deal breaker... he told me also that he was dating other women, He was still friends with his exes, I didn't make a big deal about that either because it was the beginning stages..

When I come over his house, his phone rings constantly, he sometimes keeps his phone hidden, after sis weeks of talking he's never took me out on a date... We never did anything for me, all I do is go over his house watch movies, and get freaky pretty much...
He tells me all the time that he could see himself marry me, and blah blah blah... He trys to get me to change up my hair, he feels like I should buy a newer car... He's very into cars and materialistic and I'm not..
Some days he calls me all day and somedays he calls but he's still distant...
Everytime were on the phone he always claims to get a call from his mother and jump off the phone with me... And recently this past monday, he dropped a bombshell on me, he told me that he was in a relationship the whole time he's been knowing me... And he claimed he broke up with her to be with me... Yet he still call me his friend, he have not made any effort whatsoever to even pursue a relationship with me... Now he's telling me that he needs time before he jump into another relationshio because he just broke up with his girlfriend MONDAY
.. It's obvious I know... But, I have feelings for him and it's hard for me to just walk away... I know we only known each other for six weeks... I don't know if I should stay or move on with my life.. Please help

I'm another one for telling you to get away from him as fast as you can.
While I understand being up front and letting a person know in the beginning that you are still meeting others until you find the one you want to devote time to getting to know enough to decide if its the person to spend rest of life with, (I did this too after a divorce) in the case of this man, he lied. Yeah, everyone has secrets they hold or tell white lies to protect another's feelings but in his case, he was/is in another relationship.
He has no idea that just because you are so much younger than you are not inexperienced. You used a phrase that jumps out at me, 'Deal breaker'.

I use the word deal breaker when I first made a list, whether it was my angels or god who told me to do so... it was a list to help me find and actually recognize the traits I wanted in a guy. Its about making a list of needs (a must have) and wants ( not a deal breaker if missing) like for me, a guy who likes to dance and my husband does not and i can live with that.

I met my current husband through a dating service. I didn't know of match.com at the time but would suggest it as you have to pay for it. this seriously eliminates the guys who are only on a dating site to cheat on their lady, those who are hiding something, the players, etc because why on earth would they pay money to be allowed to continue down that road? I am not saying you can't find a good guy on regular sites, but it takes a heck of a lot of time to weed through and know what red flags to look for. So I would recommend a dating site you have to pay for if you decide not to check out the one already mentioned.

As for the feelings you have, they won't last forever with as intelligent as you are if you aren't being treated right and you aren't. A person must put deposits of loving gestures and truths and everything good into the savings acoount of your heart. He can't expect to keep taking withdrawals when he wants to see you when he is never putting anything in. And when it seems like he is putting something in, in his case with the other women in his life, if he hasn't decided on one yet, its like him trying to make a deposit with fake money.
As for your feelings, you know he doesnt deserve nor has he earned them. But their very existence has you confused and wondering. I think I can set things straight here. When a woman gets romantically involved with a man, the make up of a female is such that they tend to fall for a person very easily, even if they know the guy is not a good guy. I think it has something to do with females being more likely to be nurturing and loving and caring. Not that men can't to a degree, but its a trait more common to women in all areas of their life. So that when you see someone selling kittens or puppies in front of the grocery and stop to hold one, all of a sudden those feelings pop in and you have feelings already to the little critter and want to take them home. this is why females tend to post more things about cute babies and animals on facebook, we are just drawn to that because of how it makes us feel and respond.
I will post one thing right now that should help you realize how much if any this man is really into you and loves you if you are not quite sure yet.
Beyond that, if interested, write to me asking about how to find Mr. Right and I will post the document that explains list making to find the right guy. Hey I got this from my higher power so its not something I made up and it worked for me. But request it by writing from my column not in the spot for comments in rating. I cant respond there. Heres the list of how to know how much he loves you.


1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
4. A woman can't change a man because she loves him, a man changes himself because he loves her

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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Somwone told me that they thought that I was too guarded and not to be too hard on myself. What does that mean?

Well heres what guarded means:

guarded /an adjective
cautious and having possible reservations.
"he has given a guarded welcome to the idea"
synonyms: cautious, careful, circumspect, wary, chary, on one's guard, reluctant, reticent, noncommittal, restrained, reserved;

As you can see, theres nothing wrong with being guarded to some extent. That way you don't end up falling immediately for the sob story of a scam artist trying to get something from you.

However to be too guarded, the extreme version of all this would mean you keep yourself cut off from others and make it really hard for them to get to know you or for yourself to learn to trust them.

Being too hard on yourself, may be how they describe what they see or think they see in your behaviour, such as having too high expectation of yourself and getting upset when you cant or fail to uphold your own impossible standards. Its usually something like that, a perfectionist or something closely the same.

The opposite would be some one who is an open book, nothing to hide, easy to get to know, trusting to a limit at first but as trust is earned they will trust the right people fully, but if too trusting and too unguarded, they are then considered gullible, meaning unwary, unsuspecting, impressionable.

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14. I've lived in Manhattan all my life and take subways on an almost daily basis. I'm used to beggars, and have always been warned not to give to these people bc they're mostly drug addicts, and I don't.

Today, however, my mind may have been changed. So me and my friends who ride the subway with me like to mock these people under our breaths, making dramatic stories of our own. This woman came on with purple hair, a leather purse, designer clothes, and a face full of makeup claiming she was a single, homeless mom. Her story went on for a while (longer than most) and had a lot of details including naming her kids and telling us about her background, and we were having a field day. We were going "I have five kids and I live on the streets my husband's dead I got relocated to Kyrgyzstan and my baby was stolen by gypsies" "I lost my job I lost my pants I lost my shoes I lost my cat-" "I lost my dignity-" "I lost my drug dealer's phone number" "guys I'm totally homeless that's how I got these designer clothes" and after a while of us laughing and talking louder than we normally do I looked over and realized she was hearing every word we were saying. The two of us made eye contact for a while, and I noticed she was crying. She went to the next car, and we just kept on with our business.

There was something pathetic about her, like she seemed genuinly desperate and for some reason that woman out of all the beggars I've seen made me feel genuinly sad. Like I actually began to worry I just let a real homeless mother go empty handed. And me and my friends, we're not rich either; my dad works 3 jobs and my mom 2 and we still barely got our necessities, one of my friends is being brought up by a single mother, another one of us has a father who just lost his job, etc. But we still can't empathize with another poor person. Perhaps we view ourselves as somewhat above them for not being dishonest or pathetic.

Should I start giving to these beggars or keep my money in my pocket?

Hon, I can tell you from a standpoint of being around the homeless a lot and now choosing not to pay extremely high rates for apartments and living out of our van, that there are some things to know before you decide to help.

In truth, the greatest portion of the homeless are either drug dealers or the mentally ill and not all of either of these are obviously so. There are some who will sell you a sob story. Usually the ones who approach you outside a fast food place or outside stores have you thinking they're just hungry or need to buy something important but dont have the money.

Living as we do, we meet many. Luckily we can carry some food stuff in our van and have made sandwiches to give to those who are homeless. But its best to offer to take them inside the fast food place and buy them a meal or give them protein bars or something you always carry on you. If you offer food and they are a drug addict, they most likely won't take the food unless they are truly hungry. We have been told no before that they don't want food from us, just money. Thats a give away. We have also met nice regular people like you and me although these are fewer in percentage wise. I will guess about 10 percent or so. One persons story was getting into a car wreck that had them hospitalized for months so they lost the shop they ran, their vehicle, had no money and had to start living on the street. Eventually the man began to see an advocate for the homeless who helped the man after he found a job and got him into low income housing. Most people are a paycheck away from being broke and then a month away from losing their apartment or not able to pay mortgage. We know many homeless who live out of their vehicles who at least work and so have enough money to go take showers at the pool or a gym and use a laundromat and come across looking not anything or smelling anything like a homeless person. So sometimes, we are just stringing it together. Technically tho my husband and I live out of our vehicle, we are considered the homeless as you can't just park it anywhere. We met an older lady who lost her job, then her apartment and showed up at the library we were at to hang out cus she didn't know what to do. She was hungry so we shared food with her, told her of the churches in the area serving meals and agencies in the area that could help. She soon got a cashier job and eventually got another place but she was living in her car for close to a year and through winter. We share tips with people on how to stay warm living in a vehicle during cold times.

For you, I am sure you can think of things that will help people. Heres a list of the greatest needs for those without a vehicle.

NO money or towel to take a shower or way to get there. Solution, give out free towels you pick up second hand and money for a bus fare to the local pool with the address written down for them.

Need of clean clothes or new clothes. Offer to go to the closest laundromat with them, you put the coins in the washer and buy soap at the laundromat and they get a clean load of clothes. Or just ask what it is they are needing like if a new pair of socks or underwear or a hoodie is all they need, take them in a discount store for those items or seond hand store unless its underwear which you would need to buy new. The homeless need these thins so bad they will steal them, go to the nearest public restroom, change into them and leave their dirty clothes behind. I worked a fast food place and went to clean the restroom finding stickers for the new items in the trash and old filthy jeans and underwear in a pile on the floor.

Food. Solution is those gift books of coupons you can buy for food at fast food places so you aren't handing out money. Hand them something you have with you or take them inside even a grocerys deli and offer to pay for the food they get.

They have no way to keep perishable items so on hot days, an offer of something as simple as ice water is a big thing and letting them know what churches in the area offer hot cooked meals is great especially in winter. Most have to walk to where ever they go. we volunteer at one church to help prepare meals. there about 8 to a dozen people each tuesday. Then we eat our meal there too. If you have the time, thats a good way to help the homeless without investing money, just helping the church prepare the food and its simple stuff like cutting up apples or other fruit, sorting through the donations of day old breads or other foods and tossing what is too bruised or spoiling and I don't even work with meat at all, I am vegetarian. LOL

Its the little things we take for granted that are special.things even i have that others don't. I still have my comfy bed in van, a storage place where i switch to store winter or summer clothes.

Some homeless might be willing to work but with no way to bath or even get clean clothes, they can't even go looking for some part time minimum wage jobs.
As for this woman you came across, the homeless can panhandle enough to buy themselves second hand designer stuff, however I do not see them, especially the women bother with the extra niceties of spending money or makeup, their nails or hair. That alone makes me suspicious but then you never know, she could be newly homeless and having a hard time of letting the frivolous stuff slide. When it comes to paying for the few things you must pay for, like a cell phone bill, thats one thing all homeless seem to have, a cell phone of their own and they might do the pay as you go. Even those living on the streets and not the working homeless who live in their vehicle, have cell phones. My husband and I also pay for a place to get mail at a mail box place, our car tabs and insurance, the gym membership for workouts but mostly to use for showering, our cell phones. Hubby calls himself the evolved homeless.
If you come up with other situations you come across or want to pass any ideas past me, just write to me from my column, not where you put comments in rating.

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i'm 27/f. Since I was a small child, I have been caring for my mother. She is unable to regulate her emotions. After her divorce, when I was about 2, she only became worse and worse. Although my grandparents have always been a huge help and I lived with them throughout childhood, they never enabled her to take care of herself. She is about to turn 60 and prior to now, she has never paid her own bills. She never had a savings account. She quit working for about 20 years to stay home, and she maxed out every American Express that my grandparents handed her. She owned a home throughout all this time, which she got in the divorce. She had the home rented and received some income from that rental property throughout the time we were living with my grandparents.

To make a long story short, she ended up moving into that house and I currently live in that efficiency. But, not much has changed. I graduated with my masters degree and I currently have three jobs: career job, side job teaching ESL, and uber eats. My mom has one job, but she does not pay any bills. I'm not paying any rent living in this efficiency, but I cover all the costs of the house. I am paying a lot more however, with my health. Ever since we've been living on this property, she is completely and totally dependent on me. She frequently calls me in crying spells, which I have to help her through. She has major outbursts, like throwing herself on the floor, screaming. Many nights, she calls me over to her place to sleep with her because she is afraid to sleep alone. When I go out with friends, she calls me about 40 times a night to ask me when I'm coming home. I've talked to my grandparents and my dad about it. I've told them that I'm really tired and I don't feel equipped to do this anymore. At first, they turned a blind eye. But now, my dad is starting to believe me and actually taking action. He's helping me with certain bills so that I can save up enough money to move out of the efficiency and move to California. I've been talking about this since I was 16.

But, here's the problem. Last year, I was hospitalized and at the time, didn't have insurance. So, that urinary tract infection is costing me $10,000. That was all money I had planned to save. I also owe an aunt of mine about $2,000. So, altogether, it's going to take me about 20 months to pay all of this off, with all the other bills I have (power, water, phone, cable, etc.). I don't have a choice but to pay cable because this isn't technically my house. Altogether, this adds up to the price of rent because the power bill is for the entire house, not just my apartment. If I didn't have the hospital bill, I would be able to move out quicker. When I think that it's going to take me 20 months to move out, I feel really discouraged.

Just today, my mom got into a terrible argument with me because she didn't like that I was wearing a long skirt. A few years ago, about 6 years ago, my mom actually became very abusive. She almost killed me by throwing her body on top of me and sticking her fist in my mouth because she didn't like some things I had bought for Christmas. On another occasion, she closed the door on my wrist and it was severely scratched. Then, she doesn't remember any of it. Not too long ago, she bought some things for the efficiency.At the time, I had injured my knee and I told her I couldn't help her take the items out of the car because of the pain. She was so angry, that she started throwing all of the furniture on the lawn and her eyes were bloodshot red. Right now, it's de-escalated to emotional abuse, but I do live with that fear of it escalating to physical at any time.

So, after this long story, I can ask... what can I do in terms of the medical bill so that I could really put that money towards saving? Some days, I honestly just feel so depressed. I don't have the motivation to get dressed. I'm breaking out in hives. Have trouble losing weight. I notice that when I lived away for a time period, all of these symptoms just disappeared. Or when I'm on a vacation with other people, it disappears. I just can't sit front and center of these issues. I struggled with the guilt, but I've come to understand that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Your advice is needed and appreciated.

Your body is reacting to the level of stress it has. My body had the hives and much more go haywire when I was married to my first husband who was verbally abusive. A body can ward it off for a while when it's occasional bursts of stress with time in between to rest but you are in a situation that doesnt change so its constant stress with no 'off' button.
Now here's what I am missing on the story. Your grandparents raised you so I assume you lived with them. I am guessing they passed away and that is what changed. So when you could no longer live with them, you had to find a place of your own. But to choose to rent from your Mom when you knew her to be how she is, that part I do not understand, especially since you make a point to state your rent is free on the effiency.

No, it is NOT free. Your Mom knows a good deal when she sees it. All she or anyone else has to say to you is that you pay no rent and you believe you are paying nothing for a place to live when actually you are paying fully for a houses bills which your Mom should be covering. And I will bet that all of what you are covering on bills for your Mom is equivalent to what it would cost to rent a place of your own or a whole lot more once everything is tallied up. This would mean that in actuality, you probably can afford to rent a place of your own, something in your budget range, maybe if not a full apartment, a mother in law attached to a persons home or even renting one bedroom in their place while kitchen and such end up common areas shared. You might even be able to let go of one of your side jobs.

You used the word 'enable' early in your letter. I would like to share something about the word enabling from Wikipedia:

"In a negative sense, "enabling" can describe dysfunctional behavior approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem."

So out of love and care for your Mom, your grandparents may haved helped her financially or done things for her which did not give her a situation in which she had to sink or swim on her own. You need to realize that it is not so much losing your place that is why you are paying for all of Moms financial needs, but simply the fact that you worried already what would happen to her long before you ever moved in there. When we think of loved one making bad decisions where they back themselves into corners, we can't stand the thought that they wouldn't pay bills and end up homeless for one example. However, Mom being like a child in a grown ups body only fools the public as long as your grandparents or you now fully cover everything for her so she can look normal to them. How quickly that would change if lets say that tomorrow something happens to you and you die and she were all alone. How would she cope then. Who would take care of her? None of us can say, Oh I will live to be old and grey. Any one of us can die getting hit by a car or some other way, like in a fire, etc.... Usually, it's parents having to wonder how a mentally disabled adult child will survive after they are gone, but it could happen here too with no infra-structure set up to take care of Mom. Lets say you are lucky enough in the next couple years to marry and start a family. When your attention has to go to your children, will you even have time to help out Mom to the extent you do now or would any husband be willing to help the problem continue by covering for your Mom?
What she needs is to get plugged in with agencies that can help. A person can't work easily or at all if they have any disabilities physical or mental that prevent them from holding down a job and taking care of their basic needs. I am not saying a disabled person can't work but there are some that due to their type of or extent of disability can not work at all like a para plegic.

I did mention mental disabililties, right? And thats where I want to head with this. Unless your Mom died tomorrow, as long as she is alive, she can begin to learn how to take care of some of her basic needs like any adult would. This she can do with varied success depending on her disability but no where do I see mention of her ever getting diagnosed or recieving mental health evaluation because dear, your Moms behavior is not normal. So far from it. She indeed suffers some kind of mental disability. Whether its the type that effects her ability to take care of herself with training, I do not know. Heck, there are even classes these days to teach college age folks how to cook for themselves, stuff I did as a teen already. If college kids have classes to learn an adult task like cooking, then there will be classes for other such things. If you stopped taking care of Mom, what would happen? It would become evident to any professional, that she is unable to take care of herself and maybe even along those lines, a danger to her own welfare as far as not being capable of making the sound decisions to earn money and pay to keep a roof over her head, food in her stomach, and bills paid. If she fails to eat, becomes ill, or the bank wants to take the house due to back taxes or mortagage payments not made, then she'd have no place to live. Well you too technically but its your fear for yourself that is blinding you to what Mom needs. You need to cut her off and let her sink as she was meant to for a long time and then the loving thing to do is to contact agencies in your areas that promote care for senior citizens or for those also with mental illness. Your mom trying to kill you once shows how quickly she can swing from harmless to dangerous and that dear, is mental illness. I am surprised that was never mentioned just the word toxic. Toxic would be a mentally sound person choosing to be evil and treat others in a toxic way. THe way you are treated by a mentally ill person is toxic too but its more complicated, they either don't know what they are doing or don't understand why they feel forced compelled to do things they rather wouldn't. Normally, you can't force an adult to go for mental health evaluation. However there are situations where if that person is a danger to themselves, then agencies have legal authority to come in and take control of the situation. As long as you pay for everything, no agency is going to look at your Moms living condition and think, oh shes a danger to her own wellbeing.

I have read many stories of people who were hoarders, whether stuff or lots of cats or birds and it was filthy and unsanitary and the condition of the living space found to be unfit for human health let alone animals if in the picture. THat is one scenerio where agency professional oncds alerted to the problem would step in.

So as I see it, the hard thing to do but best for you and your mom is that you hunt around for a place, maybe just a room to rent for now that is no more than what you already shell out for Mom.

This is important as the first step so that there is no worry about a place for you to live that is safe. Then from that point on, either you call and talk to her doctor and let him know whats going on and see if they can call her in for a yearly physical. When we get to Moms age, we all have to see a Dr. more regularly and be tested for the basic problems that begin to show at that age range. However once Mom has willingly gone to see the doctor, if he knows how bad things are with Mom not able to do any adult tasks for herself, he can order her to have a psych evaluation and share your details to that doctor and if there is a problem which I guarantee there is because she is so very Not normal, then she can begin getting help of all kinds, especially if her mental health has been an issue she's been able to keep hidden her entire life and now is in a bad spot. You are the last living relative I assume, or at least the only one concerned enough about her to get involved. Don't enable Mom to keep her problem hidden to her dying day. She needs to feel free to not worry about herself or her condition, knowing its being taken care of and she is getting the professional help she needs. You are not a professional, so what you've done out of love and a tender heart to not see her suffer any lack of physical needs, actually prolongs her situation going unnoticed by professionals so that indeed you would create that noose around your neck where you are being affected by this until the day she dies if you don't first from the stress. This kills your chance to enjoy your work, have a place of your own, friends to hang with, a mate to love and children to raise because you will be too busy raising your mother which you've mentioned doing the role since a young child. I know habits are hard to break but in this case, you are hurting rather than helping your own situation with Mom. Talk to agencies ahead of time, even before you move, so you already know what kind of help is out there and what they can do for her legally at this point or later when its worse.
Agencies names vary often by state so I would encourage you to contact your local DSHS, or Dept of Social and Health services for a meeting with someone to discuss whats going on with your Mom. Unless you want to be her caregiver til her dying day, you need help. I am sure you will always be involved to some extent with Mom and her welfare but it should be the professionals relating to you any improvements or set backs with your Mom that 'they' are handling as they are paid to do, its their job. In essense, you carry 4 jobs with the 4th being Moms caregiver. I used to work as a caregiver for the elderly but mostly mentally ill. I know what is and isn't available to some extent altho things can have changed a little due to lack of funding but there are still things like food stamps and people incaple of working due to their mental health condition and recieving money from the state like a social security monthly.

I hope you start reaching out for professional help for your Mom.

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Hey I am a 19 year old female. I have this situation at the moment with this guy who is 27 ( which for me personally has never had an effect on any of this situation just thought I would mention it) . I was visiting home from university during the holidays a couple months back and I met this guy we kind of hit it off. He got my number and we texted, the next night I met up with him and we had sex. ( probably worth mentioning I lost my virginity that night) The next day I went back to university which is 4 hours away from him.

We talk everyday but its very on and off as in the conversations just start and stop randomly. On top of normal conversation things we have been sexting a bit so there is no denying attraction. Sometimes I drunk text him and ask him how he feels etc and he says good things take time etc.

So moving forwards I had a week off and went home. He said we would definitely hang out while I was back. Days went by and he was saying that he's just been busy with work and his daughter which I understand like he has priorities but I also feel like if he really wanted to see me he would sort it. On the Friday I end up going to a party that he's at and its kind of awkward for a while I'm talking to everyone else but him. Then as the night went on we talked more then we went clubbing and we started getting closer etc and I went home with him again.

I was leaving for university that Wednesday and was wondering if I would actually see him not drunk or with friends. Anyway he ended up hanging out with me all of Wednesday before my flight left, we just hung out and got food.

We carry on talking long distance sexting and he will occasionally FaceTime me after he's been drinking. The talking is always just general conversation I'm never sure if he actually wants to properly get to know me.

Same shit goes on and then I come back for a night on my birthday. He had told me he will definitely see me on my birthday but over the night he was like I don't feel like going out etc and I was like its fine even though I was upset. Like he was still having drinks at his house with friends. I had no plans and was just having some drinks with my cousin then she left and I told him and he was like come over then didnt know you were by yourself. So I go to his and its kinda awkward cos I met his mum and more friends. The night goes on and he's randomly touching my face etc but I feel like thats just he alcohol.

Later that night everyone leaves and I'm staying over, we hop into bed and he puts on a movie and we just cuddle and he falls asleep. Its not that I was expecting sex but I was confused as to why he wouldn't try anything. So we literally slept in each others arms cos he wouldn't let me go which is different then the last times I've stayed over? anyway we actually have sex in the morning and things are good then I leave yet again.

That was almost 3 weeks ago I go home in about 3 again. We are still talking but feel like I am getting such mixed signals. Like some days he doesn't even talk to me, the next he can't stop, last night he was saying we should go camping sometime? which is a good sign cos it means we would be talking in the future?

I know he's having a rough time recently cos his baby is moving away with her baby mama. So I feel like he's trying to sort that in his life out. I just want to know whats going on with us like is it going anywhere? does he want me?

I just need a second opinion on all this because I like him but I am very confused and my school year is almost done and I am actually taking a gap year so I want to know if this could be something serious.

Theres a lot more I could say but this is the general run over of the situation.

The only LDR's that I believe work is when two people who are in love have to be apart due to job or school and meet in person but later have to do the long distance thing for a while. In your case, I am not even going to address the long distance because no matter what you may be feeling, I don't sense it is love and doesnt' sound like it for him either. I have no problem with the age difference. What is minor issue is that he's had time to experience things and learn from mistakes if at all, but you are just starting out at 19, you can't expect to know what he does.

You dear, need to decide what it is you really want right now and then learn from those older who've gone down that road already how its done and how to spot the right guy. I don't know if you've dated before but at least I know you lost your virginity. Females tend to build up love type of feelings for a guy they are having sex with based on the sex only and the physical attraction.

That isn't enough for a solid relationship that ends up with dating each other exclusively or getting married. This man has no reason to want a woman permanently in his life if he can live out that saying "Why buy the Cow if you can get the milk free?"

If for some reason you don't get the connection, I will spell it out without a flowery phrase: Why make a commitment to you when he can get all the sex and sexting he wants for free without having to commit?

Now there's nothing wrong with that if that is what you want too. But just in case "playing devils advocate here" worse case scenerio, he may have found that girls his age have already learned the hard way and aren't as willing to give it up so easily. Right now, you could label what you have 'Booty call'. No, I am not trying to hurt your feelings. Its just what I see and I am about as open minded as they come. I even told my daughters that unlike the church saying to wait til marriage for sex which I did, that its' better once you feel you have found the one who may be worth staying with the rest of your life, that you better 'test drive the car' so to speak, meaning have sex with him and see if after a while of that over time, that you both have the same likes, same libido and are sexually compatible. I wasn't with my ex husband.

So, considering that if your guy is a player and just loves to have a bunch of women in his little black book that he can call any time he wants sex, thats fine as long as you are okay with this not being a friendship as well as the sex. If you want a guy for a bf, not only a lover, then you may want to reconsider how you're going about this.

He isn't having to beg you for anything. You willing go home with him, willing sext him, he's probably feeling pretty good about that, not having to invest anything other than the little time he throws you.

THere are two things that make for a solid foundation for any relationship to be built upon...on is being each others best friend and the other, being each others sexual equal. A big reason for unhappy marriages is when two marry and only have the strong connection as best friends but lack the sexual part. After having a child or two, the female no longer wants him, or if she wants him, he tired of her because she doesnt like the same things in sex, or vice versa. And so resentment builds towards each other and one or both may go looking for affairs to have to get the sexual compatibility they lack in marriage.

On the other hand, if they have great attraction to each other and a great sex life but never even checked to see if there could be a strong consistent loving friendship as well, then these marriages have only one reason they stay, the sex and when not in bed the two are always fighting, always treating each other like crap, breaking promises consistantly, hurting each others feelings and basically not giving a crap. ITs rare to find couples that have both. I didn't in my fist marriage but I learned what to look for so the second time around, I found a man also divorced who wanted his next life partner, someone to grow old with and this one meets both conditions for a solid base to our relationship, we're each others best friend and sexual equals.

Okay, let me say another thing, my 2nd husband was lonely for a companion, even though he had his teen daughter having chosen to live with him rather than mom. But despite how busy he was working overtime, and caring for a daughter, even she saw something missing in his life and encouraged him to find a lady friend. So what I am saying here is that if a man finds a woman that he is really impressed by (the attraction is the easy part and thats a given...cus guys are visual and won't encourage a gal they are not sexually attracted to) being so impressed will mean he wants to spend more time with her getting to know her to find out if she could possibly be someone to date long term or if he's ready to start looking for a life time mate, then such a man is going to want to spend time with the female. Not even a child he is responsible for is going to make his heart not long to be with a woman.
A guy who wants you for more than sex will enjoy evening just chatting for hours talking about the kind of things that help catch you both up on all the past years for each of you, your past history, where you grew up, siblings, how you entertained yourself as a kid, the kinds of parents you have and some of their background, your first jobs, schooling, hopes, fears, dreams, your favorite things, like favorite color, favorite collectibles if you have a collection, etc.
This guy may know you sexually but does he know any stories of your childhood, your favorite color, your birthday or Sun sign? He may have shown enough interest to learn a couple things about you. But that could be just to impress you due to your inexperience, and get you to believe he really is into you. He may not have any other girls on the side elsewhere...but the level of interest he shoes in being with you is an important thing. I could be totally wrong about this bf of yours but maybe not. If I am right, you may end up hurt somewhere along the way.

If it was just about getting past the point of still being virgin and not having had any sex, well, you accomplished that. But I think you want more than what you basically have right now because you asked:

"whats going on with us like is it going anywhere? does he want me?"

By 'anywhere', you have to define for yourself what exactly it is that you want when you say it. Anywhere can literally mean any possible situation, from one of many booty calls, to a one in a long string of monogamous short term relationships, someone who is into certain things in his life that most women wouldn't put up with so he is dating a person, not for younger in age but due to having less life experience yet and not knowing any better, or a guy who is willing to date and even marry though he knows you're not right together but he's willing to do it because the sex is so good (this is the sex minus best friends type of relationship) or the man is crazy about you, can't spend enough time with you and is always showing you in many different ways how much he is in love with you. And do you picture dating someone like that indefinitely or do you hope at some point a man like that would want to make a commitment to you.

Its one thing to not commit to one person until you have stumbled across the person who you want to be with the rest of your life. But its another thing to hang out aimlessly in between bouts of sex or just having sex. Sure, sex is wonderful and can be great with the right person. But I didn't learn until my current husband that what passed for sex for me in the past has nothing on what we have now. Sex when two people are in love and best friends makes for a connection and feelings and experiences in sex that always keep it exciting and new things happening all the time, even after 9 years together.
If you'd like either a test on whether a guy loves you and how much, just ask me for it.
If you want to learn more on how to look for and recognize a Mr. Right for you, then just ask. You need to know whether this current guy is or isn't.
or you can choose to learn as I did, by the school of hard knocks which is experiencing all the bad things by not knowing any better. If you write do so from my column. I can't answer where you comment in ratings.


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To make a long story short, I found myself working as a waitress at a strip club about two months ago. I love the money I make there as it let me quickly pay off debt I owed that was holding me back from finishing my degree and I can now focus on padding my savings where as at other jobs I barely made enough to get by.

However, you're forced to drink there because customers will often buy shots for you to try and get you drunk and if you say no you don't make any money (I make money for each drink I sell) and the managers frown on it (seen as losing money). Due to this I've already gotten in one mild car accident that I was lucky enough to have not been hurt in and nobody saw it happen so I got away with what could have turned into a DUI. I'm scared to death of getting a DUI because I would get kicked out of my college program. I also run into a lot of men that force me to give them my number or else they won't buy drinks off me and a lot of people who are in general shady characters.

On top of this I started a day job this week so now I'm barely getting any sleep because I work at the club 8pm-3am (go to sleep around 4am) and wake up for my day job at 7am.

I'm currently on summer vacation so classes aren't a worry now, but in about a month I'll have to quit one job to make time for school again.

My day job is related to my major and it pays decently, but I can see how the hours will be more difficult to work classes around.
Working at the club my hours won't affect classes at all and I make really good money there, but I'm in a somewhat dangerous environment with a lot of risk.


I'm not sure what to do :(

If you must accept drinks, then I would make sure the bartender knows that whatever the guy orders for you, he makes it look like he made it alcoholic but makes it non alcoholic.

Although if I understand correctly, the managers don't even like the waitresses drinking, seeing it as money lost.
So I think a talk with managers would be a good choice. Let them know what tactics the customers go to in order to pay for a drink, refusing to buy unless you accept a drink they buy for you or refuse to buy one until you give out your phone number. Ask them how they would like you to handle this and let them know you do not want alcoholic drinks because you don't want to drive home drunk and you certainly don't want an accident that may ruin the career you study for before you even start the career. I am sure they want the money from sales but if you have to fake that you are drinking alcohol but really aren't, would that be acceptable? I see no reason to stop the night job if it works better schedule wise and some agreement with the bosses can be managed so that you can still earn money while finishing school.

If things don't work out so you can stay sober and safe going home, then you will have to quit because d riving drunk is not going to do you a favor if you get a DUI, kill someone else, damage property, or worse, get killed yourself so the major you were going for is now never going to be a reality. Sometimes, you have to think ahead, use the imagination and picture all the possible outcomes, including a drunk patron following you after work in their car and learning where you live so they can start to buy you there. If you were drunk, you might not be thinking clearly enough to realize you are followed let alone to call police. So think, are you willing to risk your life and future career and life plans if nothing changes at your job?

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Hi everyone, so my boyfriend and I are coming up on being together for a year. He is 27 and I am 22. He really drinks a lot, frequently. He also has a motorcycle which he does ride drunk which is an issue I have been addressing him on. If we’re not together at night, a lot of the time he goes out, either by himself or with some friends. It’s beyong frustrating to me. How do I encourage different behavior? He says he gets a low and than he makes poor decisions and he doesn’t like that he does it, he just can’t help it. What can I do? This really puts a wedge in our relationship, because I always feel like he chooses alcohol over spending time with me. I want to help him, and I don’t know how. I tell him over and over he has a drinking problem, and it doesn’t make anything better, he just says “no I don’t” or “yeah I know”. It hurts me the decisions he makes, and he’ll say “then break up with me.” I need advice on how to help him, or how to encourage different behavior, or anything that could help us as a couple. I’m not a drinker, when we go out I’ll sip on a beer or two and that’s it. I don’t enjoy drinking, and don’t see how it’s fun multiple times a week. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated... thank you

Yes, I also agree a person needs to hit their bottom before they are ready, ready for whatever positive change is involved. It doesnt have to be alcohol, I was married once to a verbally abusive man and it took me a long time to finally have had enough of it to leave him.
With the lows he mentions, I agree, that it is best the BF see a licensed therapist. I can't say what is causing him to go for alcohol, maybe to forget his depression temporarily. It may be something like bi polar too, my sister has it and was recently diagnosed and she had lows too although there were high times but they were fewer and shorter. It could be another mental illness and its hard for anyone but a professional to figure out what it is as many have the same basic symptoms with only one or two different symptoms.

The problem is getting him to even go. LIke already said, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. An ex counseling friend told my ex husband to go for treatment. He went and I did too. We decided on the best fit for a pychologist. He was going to see the doctor on his own for a while, something that in his mind he equated to a thing he needed to do, attend to be able to keep me. However he did not apply himself. Then I overheard him telling a friend he went but still wasn't convinced he had a problem so he was only going to appointments but wasn't interested in what the counselor was telling him to do. He said he was going only to get me to stop complaining.

So keep in mind, your BF may try that, to get you off his back. Go for help but not really ready for it. You will know in time if he is changing for the better. But then he may never get around to going to see a counselor. I feel the lows and whatever is causing them need to be addressed before he may be ready to address the issue of his alcoholism.
As for what you can do, nothing more than you're already doing other than adding in that it might be a good thing to go see a counselor to be checked out to discover what is causing his lows.

For yourself, you might decide how much time you want to give him to go see a professional for help and really apply himself. Some people hit their bottoms at different times. It could happen in a year, a couple years, but what if its going to take 5 or 10 years before he is ready to go for treatment, IF he is still alive and hasn't died riding his motorcycle drunk. I know you love him. But What is it you want in life? Are you looking for a husband and want children some day? He's got a long road ahead to recovery but if he isn't willing to start it, you may have to make that hard decision and pick out a time you are willing to wait to see him change. This only works if you can be strong enough to leave if he chooses to stay in this rut. I wonder if he's the type who may wake up if he realized he could possibly lose you if things don't change. IT only works if he is truly in love and his depression or whatever doesn't interfere with his feelings. HIs bottom, may not come ever, but may come sooner if you actually left him at some point and he realizes that he needs to change and is finally ready to. But if you do leave, let him know you will be waiting and watching to see if he does go for professional help and that you are leaving the door open for a while. Remind him that he better not take too long to get help because if a nice guy came along that fell for him and you for him, there's a possibility you will no longer be a chance to come back to him.

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17/f
I stay in South Africa. Yesterday I was home alone and 2 guys tried breaking in. My dogs were barking and I was having a panic attack and they didn't leave. I called my sister and brother to come and eventually they got here and the guys were gone. I have never been so scared in my life I had a full on panic attack and was crying in the middle of the passage with a knife thinking I was gonna die. 5 homes reported being broken into by 3 guys in the past week in my area. One of the homes the girl was almost raped. I am so scared they come back. I don't want to sleep because I'm scared they come back and something happens. Not just in the day but at night when we're sleeping as well. How do I go back to normal? And how do I stop this

Anytime a person experiences something tramatic like you did, it can cause PTSD which is Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. If you find certain situations keep reminding you and you keep gong into panic mode, you might want to see a counselor for that. Some specialize in PTSD.

As to how to feel more safe, it seems your dogs presence wasn't stopping them and thats one thing I would have mentioned. All else I can think of it to have pepper spray to disable a person if they do get inside. If it is possible, getting a monitored home security system that calls police if the alarm is set off is the best way to feel safe from this point on.

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Some people say that it doesn't pay much if you're working retail and that its very stressful and a lot of work. Some people say that you can make up to $20 an hour in a hospital. My job counselor told me that pharmacy tech would be a good choice but I'm getting mixed reviews.

If money earned is of more concern than what the job is or even whether you will enjoy it, then you should be searching for well paying jobs. And the only well paying jobs I know of usually require special schooling to learn to be able to do the job.

There will be mixed reviews on any and every type of job. You just have to decide which criteria is most important to you in a job. THen it will be easier to choose which profession you want to go to school to learn.

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Is it entirely wrong if my ex boyfriend comes back to me? He has got two small boys but he was having problem with his girlfriend the mother of his kids before like for example, not communicating and not sharing much. We dated for few months and he split up with me saying I’d have my family but I think I can see he indeed misses and loves me still? We’re both on our 30’s. PS: I hope you guys don’t judge as Julia Rogers at. So my question is he takingnice mig of tea. I r

It isn't a bad thing if he comes back into your life as long as these following are not the problem at core:

1. He has trouble with facing problems and finds it easier to run away than face them. If thats what he is doing with her, then eventually he will do the same with you.
2. You feel lonely and alone and want him back, no matter if he also wasn't a good match for you either.

Depending on when he first met her, he may not have been mature enough to choose a mate with whom he had enough in common. A quiet person with a talkative one do not mix for example and both will have hard feelings.
There is such a thing as knowing what criteria you need in a mate before you go looking. He may have chosen badly with picking her.
It may be that even if he and her are not a good match, that he went back to her because of feeling the duty to be a good father to his kids.

Not always is having both birth parents a good thing for children, especially if the two don't get along or there is resentment built up against each other. You know how much we watched and copied our parents when growing up. Thats how babies and young children learn the basics like walking, and eating with a fork and drinking from a cup rather than a bottle. They watch Everything, even our moods and assume that is normal. If his kids assume that his not so great relationship with mom is normal, what does that teach them for when they get to dating age and older?
He may think being there is better but the children may benefit better from his paying for their upkeep but finding and living the rest of his life with the perfect mate and having visitation rights to his children. I almost wish My daughters had benefited that way but I stayed with a dysfunctional man and now it had affected their idea's of what a good husband is. One daughter is on 3rd marriage and its the worst ever. Another daughter is happy having a bf as long as she can be in control but has no want to marry and thus have to share everything and the last is married to a man who is not a man of the house, she earns the income and he has some of the controlling aspects as well as social dysfunctions.

So if you are okay with his boys becoming a part of your life and if he is willing to share them with you as if they were your own and you a 2nd mom to them, then it should work out fine.

Another thing of importance, is that our brain isn't completely mature in ability to make good decisions until our mid twenties. Its a scientic fact dear, not something I am making up. And so when we reach 30 or enter our thirties, we finally review what is really important to us and decide to choose to be not the person our friends, parents, or other people expected us to be but decide who we really want to be as a person for the rest of our lives and stick with it. So I think if he is keeping in touch with you or keeps contacting you, he is interested and just doesnt yet see a second possibility or perhaps is gun shy and doesn't want to make the same mistake and end up with you to find out later that the two of you really aren't all that compatible. You're at an age where you're more likely to be searching for the person you want to be with the rest of your life, whether married or not. Both of you need to talk. He said you have your family anyway. That was kinda lame to reason that you won't miss him because of that but apparently your missing him was on his mind if he said that. I can't say he feels the same and it was only 3 months time together, not enough for most average humans to determine if they are going to work out.

Now on the other hand, after a divorce, once I found the man I am now married to on a dating site, I was extremely impressed by his letter, we talked on the phone the very next day after I wrote him back and talked for hours every night til we met in person on the following weekend. That confirmed we also had chemistry as far as pheromones go and within a few days, we both knew that we had probably found the right person. So I moved in with him shortly after...as there's no better way to find out if you are compatible. And basically 3 months later were married. It happened so quick and I was 100% sure because I had a list I'd made of what my wants and needs in a guy were.

I can spare the details now but this same kind of list sounds like something your male friend and you could both benefit from. That way, if you get back together, you both can compare your lists to how each other really is and then be able to decide if best to stay together for life or if you both need to move on and keep looking.

I've titled it, how to find Mr. Right but it also works for men too in how to find their lady for life. If interested in this, let me know and I'll share it with you. But you must go to my column and write me from there, not the site where comments go for rating.

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I have a co-worker who is very bossy to me and talks down to me. The issue is that she is my superior and delegates much of my work but the way she does it is becoming extremely controlling and rude. I feel that she is on a power trip and over-stepping her bounds in terms of how to handle me. I feel like I’m becoming this puppy dog following orders and it’s very humiliating and invasive to my personal space. I want to calmly confront her next time she treats me this way but the problem is that we work in the same area as my boss and I feel that it would be awkward to do this in front of my boss. Also my boss has sort of been acting this way too and treating my co-worker this way so I don’t think she would be on my side, so to speak. Time and again I’m in situations like this, where someone is very bossy and controlling toward me, and I never know how to handle it. What should I do?

I worked for a while in fast food recently enough and one shift manager ended up barking at everyone but more at me. I would feel anger inside and old memories of a verbally abusive husband rise up in me. It was my past that I finally decided to tell her about. One day I just told her calmly that when she speaks to me or orders me about in that manner, due to my past of verbal abuse , it affects me and makes me work slower or make more mistakes. When I finished, she sounded surprised that she was doing that and apologized saying that she grew up with a verbally abusive father and was used to it and didn't even stop to consider that she was doing someething along the same lines. She stopped yelling at me and spoke very nicely however she continued to yelled at everyone else.

If your boss talks this way to her, then likely both of them have been exposed to this kind of treatment in their lives and are doing so on purpose or not aware they do it.

The stress of working in such an environment can build up over months and years to affect a physical effect on you. I used to have all sorts of stress related conditions and illnesses but they went away when I left the source of my stress, my ex and got a divorce. You may not notice anything immediately but it will take its toll on you in the long run. So you could talk to each of them since both do the same thing. You could even make up a story of dealing with abuse as a kid and so this kind of way of relating to you, rattles you too much. It could be but if the boss is a mean unsympathetic creature, he could say to leave and find other job then. Speaking up for yourself isn't grounds for firing so if he doesn't like the fact you did, he would have to make something up. It may be easier to keep working while looking for something different where you can earn the income you need.

Since you say this keeps happening to you, I've learned that if there is something important our soul was meant to learn in our life, that we will find we can't avoid it because it will happen over and over. I can't tell you if thats what's happening here, but it may the reason. If so, then it will help to learn how to stand up for yourself but also to do so in a way that other adults can handle even if they don't like it.

Think for a moment how humiliating it feels, whether you're in the wrong or not or simply didn't know better at the time and were corrected publicly by another adult. It is one of the worst feelings and situation a person can experience, you already know how it feels. They would feel the same if you came right out and told them what they are doing and how you want it to stop.

So if you can find a way to make it sound like something that you or someone close you know does and struggles with, maybe how their counselor has told the family to learn how to understand why they do it but that its okay and right to not accept it, and not be angry with them, and thats what you want to accomplish with them, maybe they will not react in anger. I use this tactic all the time when ever I need to deal with anyone in letting them know that there is something they did or do, that has affected me in a bad way. It almost feels like charming a person first by finding even one thing I can honestly say I admire in them, twisted as it may be currently, but if honest, they will sense it is when you speak it, but then you also need to let a person know what you would like to see change and that probably calls for more professional concise advice than I can give but you can find in a book on how to stand up for yourself, or books on the win-win situation, where you both end up happy and they make changes that make your job more enjoyable. If I were you, I'd start there. Good luck!

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Hello, I’m 23/f and my boyfriend is 25. Next month is our three year anniversary so after this whole thing is done, I really would prefer to not see “just break up with him,” that may be what it comes down to but I would like to hear other options and others opinions which is why I’m coming here.

About 10 years ago, I found weed in my dad’s dresser. I know to some people, weed wouldn’t be that big of a deal but I was young and it killed me - the man I look up to, the best man I knew smoked weed. Ever since then, I haven’t been as close to him. I was always daddy’s little girl, I was with him all the time and now I just can’t respect him that much anymore. I’ve seen him lie to my mom about smoking it, I’ve watched my mom tell him she wants him to quit and he told her no he won’t, in so many situations choosing a drug over my mom every single time. He told my mom he would never get a pen, he said they’re filled with so many chemicals but just a couple weeks ago, he got one because he said it blends in better and he whips it out and does it in public all the time now, in the middle of dinner sitting at a table in a restaurant, at the beach, at concerts. This last winter, he was at a friends house and right before they were going to leave, he stayed back to smoke and told my mom he’d be out in a minute, leaving my mom to walk down this long icy driveway by herself, she fell and twisted her ankle and he was inside getting high not caring about a single thing. I’ve rode in the car with him many times to only come home and find out that he’s had paraphernalia in the car and he would just joke about it like “oh well at least we didn’t get pulled over.” I’ve watched him smoke up so much and then just sit around and do nothing while my mom and I clean the house and make dinner. My mom just told me the other day that on my brother’s very first Halloween, he smoked up and told her he couldnt go out trick or treating and left my mom to do it all on her own.

My 26 year old brother smokes as well. My father buys off of him and they do it together all the time and I think that is so wrong. We’ll be at family functions and they’ll be missing from the party and my mom would have to lie on their behalf because nobody else in the family knows that they do it.

Now, my mom, dad, brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend and I were all away in the mountains this weekend. I first got upset with my boyfriend because we were driving out to get breakfast and my brother asked if anyone wanted a beer for the ride (mind you that my cabin is in the middle of nowhere, there are no neighbors for miles and the only police are state police but since we are right on the border, police don’t come to our side) but my boyfriend said he wanted a beer anyway and he was driving and even though we were in the middle of
nowhere, I still thought that was stupid, it felt to me like he was trying to impress my brother. I told him I’d drive to make the situation a little better and he refused, I asked many many times and he would not let me drive.

Fast forward a couple hours and I could tell he was in a bad mood. I pulled him aside to ask what was up since I forgave and forgot and even apologized for how I handled the previous situation, so I didn’t think he’d still be mad about that. He said he wants to smoke but he knows I’d be mad about it. So I got upset that weed was kind of taking precidence, he was in a bad mood because I “wouldn’t let him” smoke but if I did, he would be happy as a clam. He used to smoke very heavily in high school and quit for three years so that’s where his, I guess, desire is coming from. He brought it up before but I can’t express to him enough how much I hate it. He says I’m being biased since my dad gave me such a poor view of it and I will admit that my dad doing it is a part of it. But I also hate the smell. He’s on a no carb diet so I hate that his will power is strong enough to not eat carbs but it’s not enough to not want to smoke and when he does smoke, he eats so that diet goes to shit anyway. It’s not even like he hasn’t at all since we started dating, he went to Oregon with friends and I was fine with it then since it was legal there a while ago. He does sometimes when we have friends over or, even though it infuriates me, with my dad. We went to Jamaica and I was also fine with him doing it there. But now it’s like, he just keeps wanting more. During this argument this weekend, he told me it would be nice to be able to smoke after a bad day at work, which is honestly more times than not. So he went from wanting to do it on special occasions, to wanting to do it a little more just for fun on weekends, to wanting to do it during the week. It also really pains me when I can tell sometimes that he’s in a bad mood and he doesn’t talk to me about it. I have to drag it out of him sometimes and other times he just “doesn’t want to burden me” so he doesn’t tell me anything at all. So when he had a bad day at work, it isn’t good enough that he can come home to talk to me, he needs to smoke weed and that’ll make it all better. I’ve even noticed the times that he has done it that he gets quiet so why is it fair that he can do what he wants, as he said, to make his quality of life better, but I have to suffer? I know that relationships are compromise and I feel like I’m doing my part on that front by letting him do it on special and fun occasions but I honestly refuse to be my mom who hates it but sits back and accepts it because she knows that my dad doesn’t love and respect her enough to stop and while that’s the case, she continues to lie for him while he’s out doing it to cover for him.

I’m just the kind of person, I always have been, that believes people do not need things to escape their life or make it better. It actually really hurt me that he told me Jamaica was fun but the weed made it better, not that being there with me made it better or the memories we made together made it better. So many people would kill to go somewhere as beautiful as Jamaica, without anything to make it better or alter it in any way. I just firmly believe that if there is something wrong, you should fix it the natural way, go for a run, work out, talk to someone, not use a drug and then mask what the problem is. I need to do things i don’t like sometimes and I need to endure the same family that my dad and brother do but I don’t go out and smoke up to make it all seem better or tolerable. I will never forget when I got tickets with my parents to see a band that I’ve been obsessed with for five years prior, it was the best time of my life until I turned around to sing my dad and I’s favorite song along with the band and he was right behind me smoking a bowl Ike the show wasn’t good enough for him until he was high.

I guess I just need someone to tell me if I’m overreacting or something, I don’t know. I just need some thoughts, am I not being fair? Should I let him and be okay with it? Any advice is appreciated.

Should I let him and be okay with it? Him who? is my question since it seems Dad and brother and boyfriend smokes. And by stay, I assume you mean stay in a relationship with. This would mean choosing to never see the boyfriend anymore, or if you mean family, then Dad or brother.

At the end you mention Jamaica and since it seems that right now, the issue you want to deal with first is the bf, I will answer first using what you wrote.

You wrote: It actually really hurt me that he told me Jamaica was fun but the weed made it better, not that being there with me made it better or the memories we made together made it better.

This shows me you are an exceptional wise person to even realize this and have it be important to you. You may be an old soul too as well. My 2nd husband is a wonderful man. He is someone who like me believes that even doing daily chores or mundane things like grocery shopping is much more fun with we are doing it together. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as we together, that makes navigating life more important, significant or even fun. Since the BF doesnt see you in this way and it doesn't seem you're as important as weed, you will probably end up unhappy in the long run as it doesn't seem you two are even a close match, at least in his attitude about not finding time with you makes everything more special. Of course many people are like this and incapable of being any better. Its not so much pot that is the issue here but his attitudes and beliefs deep down at his core of who he is. Pot is something he is drawn to so strongly due to who he is deep inside. I'd have to say the same about Dad.

There are more states making pot legal all the time so eventually it will have nothing to do with breaking the law.
I think people can over do anything and what you are experiencing is the use of it by Dad and b/f to the overuse of it so they end up incapable of participating in life with family. That is not good so I don't think you are overreacting. However, I know enough people who use weed medicinally as I do for insomnia. Nothing else worked for me and I had insomnia most my life however it got worse once I hit menopause. So I had to get sleep and found pot works. I know plenty older women who use it for the same reason. I never use it during the day, just at night to go to sleep. As such, I find it easy to tolerate and understand others using it medicinally. Your not liking the scent of it, can't be helped, however if a person is using the vape pens rather than buds there is very little to no odor at all if they have a good working pen.

People can get addicted to or try to escape life other ways too, like alcohol, other drugs, pain killers, so its not that weed is bad, its the reason why its used and some recreational just to help relax due to stress or anxiety causing things during the day is fine when one gets home. But if they smoke more than enough to just relax and don't feel like doing any chores or interacting with loved ones without the use of it, then something is wrong.

No, you don't have to like it. But if you get or have your own place that you pay for and are the only one on the lease, then you have the say as to what happens there, your place, your rules.
So limit the amount of time you see your Dad when you get to this point or find ways to spend less time around him now. Invite Dad over only sparingly and let him know he can visit if sober and not smoking inside or outside your front door for the length of time he is over to visit. If he breaks your rule, its time to go. If he puts up a fuss, you tell him, your place, your rules and that if he forces you to do the hard thing, you will call the police to come remove him. It sounds awful to have to treat a parent in such a way but I don't believe this goes against the honor your parents commandment of the bible or as its written in other faiths. A parent must be honor worth to recieve honor. A parent also makes minor mistakes along the way but learns from them eventually and doesn't repeat and these shouldn't be held against them in that case. You can love a person but not like what they do. THats like God, who loves us but doesn't love sin, which by the way in archery simply means missing the mark, or in current day words, just not getting it, and continually doing or choosing the wrong thing.

It sounds like you need to find a sweetheart who is not into weed or any other things taken to the point of avoiding living life and you need a man who will treasure you and enjoy even more the times with you because it just makes life feel more special, no matter if its shopping or a vacation.



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I know this seems like an easy question, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm anorexic or just weight conscious. I'm 4ft 10in and 75 pounds. I try to only eat once a day, but I do make sure I eat once a day. If I eat more than once a day I worry that it'll be noticeable and people will see I've gained weight, but this is because where I work the uniform shows your midriff so I don't want to look bloated. Sometimes if I feel a little bloated I'll purposely suck in or make sure I stand up straight so I look skinnier.

If I eat more than once in a day, then the next day I try hard to eat less. Lately, I've been thinking about working out so my tummy is flatter and I can weigh a little less by burning off the calories I eat. I would kind of like to get down to 60-65 pounds, maybe a little less. I feel like 50 pounds is probably a little extreme though.

I've recently seen a doctor for other things, but I noticed he didn't really mention my weight so I feel like I could still lose some weight and be okay.

I just really don't want to look overweight and I hate that when I sit down there's a little pouch.

I don't ever make myself throw up or anything like that and if I'm really hungry I do eat so I feel like I'm not anorexic.

You don't mention your age or whether your frame, thats the bone structure is small, medium or large.

I've looked up a body mass index and you have to scroll down to see it.

https://www.fitnessmagazine.com/health/ideal-weights-for-women/

Even if you have a small frame, for 4'10 you are underweight already now. They list normal weight starts at 92 lbs and goes up to 100 for normal.

So the answer is yes, you are anorexic. I don't know exactly what your Dr. said. However it's possible you are not telling us something when you wrote 'he didn't really mention ...' That sounds evasive and may only be a poor choice of words. But it means he did mention something. Its like saying, I didn't really pay my phone bill, I didn't really drink coffee this morning. Its a matter of you did or didn't. Said as you did, it could mean I only paid a portion of my phone bill or only took one sip of coffee this morning but didn't drink the whole mug full. You have to be honest with yourself and I think you probably are as you wouldn't have asked unless you were hoping we'd all say you were okay. If your doctor doesn't think anything is wrong, and you want to lose even more with exercise, then you need to see another Dr., get another professional opinion, because your body is like a car. A car needs fuel to work properly and different oils and fluids. If we let the oil run out, we'd burn up the engine for example.
In the same way, our bodies need food for fuel to run properly. A body needs even more if you will be exercising as that takes more fuel/food to maintain a healthy weight and the body uses up more fuel, just like a car when its working harder like going up hills. So see a Dr. ASAP and get working on getting to a healthy weight.

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There's this boy in one of my classes that I sorta fancy. We talk occasionally. We aren't that close, but we aren't just aquatinces either. I've had a crush on him for the past year, and now I'm thinking about confessing. I have social anxiety, and I'm scared I'll panic if I tell him in person, so I thought about writing him a letter. I have so many questions about this, like, should I make it sappy to show him how I feel, or should I keep it at a minimum so I don't make him feel guilty if he doesn't like me back? Should I do it on regular lined paper and just fold it in half, or should I make it a bit more pretty by using stationary? Should I put my name, or the the "Secret Admirer" route? I know I have a lot of questions, but I want this to be perfect! Any advice at all would be amazing!

Sounds like you have this all figured out in your head. The best way to figure out whether you should do anything that might affect another person is to use your imagination and like a dream, picture the same happening but to you instead.

You do not know how he feels about you in return other than he's okay with you as a school mate friend.
So now, I want you to imagine a scenerio twice. First lets say it's him or another guy just like him who is too shy to tell you in person, so the guy writes you a letter in which he confesses that he's had a crush on you for a year, or just that he has a crush on you. Easy to imagine you'd be happy, right?

Now picture a guy you find dorky and don't even like how he looks. He writes you a love letter confessing that he has had deep feelings for you for a long time. What would you do with that knowledge? You already know you aren't interested in him. So you wouldn't want to encourage him, right? So would you choose to ignore him, go at great lengths to avoid getting near him in hallways? Or would you walk up to him and tell him you aren't interested in him and watch his face as he feels crushed that you don't feel the same. Because he had a crush, he felt that for sure, you must feel the same and all he had to do was let you know so you could respond and tell him you feel the same. Or would you live a lie out of not wanting his feelings hurt and pretend to like him? Did his telling you he has feelings for you when you didn't actually change how you feel about him. Does simply knowing a guy likes you transform your feelings so you actually feel your heart doing happy somer-saults around him and you want to be with him? ANd you want to hold his hand and be kissed by him? If you are doing a good job of picturing this, you will have your answer.

See, guys aren't different as far as this goes. If he heard from you that you like him when he has no such feelings in return, he would probably react in much the same manner as you imagined yourself reacting to the same.

Life isn't fair dear. Just because one person is head over heels in love with someones doesn't mean the focus of their love, loves them in return. I
have had many guys on dating sites plead with me to go out with them and yet, they did not come any where near the criteria I'd listed for myself as to what kind of guy I was looking for when I was divorced and seeking a much better husband. I was learning some of my lessons much later in life.

Using the same imagination of situation in reverse, imagine a love letter signed Secret Admirer. You'd be flattered, excited and always looking to see who's looking at you and wondering if its him, and when and if you finally do find out and its not someone you like in return, did signing the letter 'secret admirer' help him to win you over? Yes, I'll bet you'd just fall for him, right? NOT!

I have enjoyed picturing myself with certain guys over the years and enjoy the imaginations of it knowing it is only in my imagination, not even a near possibility of me ever being with the guy I may dream about. Everything about a crush is one sided, all in your imagination. About all you know about him is what his smile looks like, what his laugh and his voice sounds look and how outgoing or shy he is. Anything else you have thought about him and you has had to be imagined, much like a book author imagined about the conversation between two people and how they react around each other. In a story, you control all their actions and can decide how your happily ever after turns out. Thats not how it works in real life.
So concentrate on being a good friend. Be the kind of girl who is self confident. That means you aren't always striving to do something special as other girls do with their hair, nails, makeup and clothes to get his attention. Yes, guys are visually attracted to women, but what holds their attention if there are other just as nice looking girls is who you are on the inside. Lots of males from middle school even through college may not have figured out yet why they haven't found a girl they like when all they do is look no further than skin deep. But its a good thing to practice now, being yourself, not feeling embarrassed to be yourself. I will say that social anxiety is going to affect you to your dying day not just in relationships but in everything in life. So you will need to decide when you are sick and tired of being that way and willing to do whatever it takes to get past it. I can say that because the day came when I was sick and tired of it and wanted to be more outgoing like my Dad. It was towards the end of my sr year HS that I prayed and asked God for help. What I heard from Him to do at my own speed, step by step was exactly what I found in a book by a psychologist decades later, the very same recipe of how to get over social anxiety. If you are interested, just let me know by going to my page and writing me from there and I will share it with you. Once you don't feel that anxiety any more, you will find it easier to relax and enjoy any time spent with this guy or the many you will meet after him.

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I hate to admit it, but I feel I am being unlucky in my workfield. I have no problems in my personal life as I have a loving and caring mother and a loving and caring boyfriend who is the best person I Can get. I am a Ph.D scholar working in India since 2013 and right now I am in an european country for the past 7 months, carrying out a part of my research, the last year of my Ph.D. In the last month I also had a surgery and I joined lab 2 weeks ago. As my lab back in India was not a well equipped one, and the syllabus of our masters was mostly theory based, when I joined here, The first thing which hit me, that even masters and bachelor students know more than me. From that time I felt inferior enough to talk with lab people, only when I needed something, I asked. And gruadually I was spotted as the non communicative one. I was working day and night to do some good work, but very few times did I get any thing positive in the most accurative way. Even my prof. once said you are being unlucky in which ever thing you are doing, that I dont know what to say. He tries to guide me as much as he can, and he's a very nice person in that respect. Considering that I am recovering still from the surgery, I can work only half hard as before. As much as I try, I am being loser in my results. Time is running out and I have only 4 more moths here, and not even 30 % of work is done. I dont know any way out. I am utterly depressed. I feel I can never do any good research work, and I am inferior to everyone. My state of mind is not good. I feel very low.

A person can be book and study smart and have degrees and yet lack wisdom. Your professor who said you were unlucky is one of those. He may have landed the position of professor but nothing in life can train you how to have wisdom...you either have it or don't. Unfortunately when he spoke to you like that, no matter how much he tried to help you after, all your subconscious heard and keeps hearing are those works of being an unlucky person. If thats the exact work he used and no other, I don't think he was good at expressing himself. Perhaps he said something different which you interpreted as meaning unlucky.
Either way, you subconsciously are making little choices all along the way from that point on, that in which your subconscious mind is trying to help you fulfill the role of being a 'loser'. The subconscious is not our awake mind and it doesn't use logic like we would when awake. The subconscious mind runs things in the background all the time, things that your conscious mind doesn't have to give a thought to like blinking your eyes and taking your next breath. These things and many others are in the control of your subconscious. For me, my subconscious is like having a second person inside me and often it feel it's like what people call their 'inner child' because often it seems to reason like a child. The SM (subconscious mind) believes that what you focus on the most often is something that you want, even if its something scary you fear happening to you but it hasn't yet, or a belief you have about yourself that some incidents in life seemed to make your conscious mind decide to accept as the truth til the day you die. Then the subconscious works hard to make you make decisions that make those perceptions become all the more true so they actually play out for real in life.
Secondly, you sound a lot like me when I was younger and so when I say you sound like you also have a low self confidence and have some fear or anxieties in socializing, actually speaking with people, I don't mean to say you will always be like that. I have changed and did for the most part in my twenties. YOu care more right now about what people might think of you for asking help and that is hurting you. You are afraid to admit something that isn't your fault in the least but would explain to them why you are having such trouble in lab. YOu feel it as embarassing. So what do you really fear?

So to help enlighten you on possibilities, I will take one of your paragraphs and make my comments in parentheses.

As my lab back in India was not a well equipped one, (this is not your fault that it was not but you are allowing it to make you feel bad about your lack of knowledge in a lab)and the syllabus of our masters was mostly theory based, when I joined here, The first thing which hit me, that even masters and bachelor students know more than me. (feeling inferior since masters and bachelor students know something you feel you should know) From that time I felt inferior enough to talk with lab people, (feelings are controlled also by the SM)only when I needed something, I asked. (this is you deciding what was something worth asking about that might not reveal your lack of knowledge around a lab.)

And now, heres the way you could have handled this and still could but you must not give in to your distorted thoughts on it:

(You addressing lab partners here giving them the truth.) Hey lab partners, I need you to know that the lab back in India was not a well equipped one, and the syllabus of our masters was mostly theory based. So joining you here, I find myself overwhelmed with my lack of knowledge around the actual use of a lab. It makes me feel badly that what I should know real easy by now is something that even masters and bachelor students know more than me. It's not that I am not capable of picking it up quickly but I am going to need all of you to help me often until I get it which shouldn't take long as I already know this all in theory, just not the hands on application. I thank you in advance for your help and being patient with me while helping me to catch up.

This is what should have happened but didn't because you felt bad about yourself. If you really think about it, the only thing that makes sense is that you are expecting the following response from lab partners:

What an idiot, using the excuse of a lab in India being not a well equipped one. You could have easily found a dozen others to go use or force them to update it, regardless if there wasn't enough money to do so.

You only know theory, not the actual doing of the experiments? THen you were not trained right. You don't belong here. You are not PH D material and won't ever be until you go back and start at beginners level because theory only knowledge, isn't good enough. You should feel inferior to us because of your lack of true experience in a lab. We are better than you and you can never expect to be as good as us. Give up on your Ph D and go home to India. Oh, and don't think we are willing to help you out and answer questions and show you how because we're not getting paid to be your teachers.

Sounds harsh, right? In what ever words your mind is playing inside your head instead, the effect is the same, you cripple yourself by feeling inferior or unlucky or whatever words cause you to not do all you can to change it. If you want to be a highly revered Ph D, whether at the current country you are in or when you go back to use it in India, you need to first get past the distorted thoughts that hold you back. You also need to stop focusing on the negative of what you don't know or what you lack and do what you can to get it so you can succeed.
Its not too late to ask for help and I'll get you are so intelligent that in the time left, you'll catch up without it being a struggle. I have talked on line with some friends I've made in India, well educated people. I was in awe of how wise and intelligent they were and had a better grasp of the English language than myself. I am not saying I thought they were stupid before. I had no idea what to expect of schooling conditions in other countries. I've only heard that Japan excells over the U.S. but had no idea of others and so was pleasantly surprised. It didn't make me feel badly that people who didn't grow up in the U.S. could write and understand my language as well or better than me. That's just a fact of how it is. No fault of mine.
By the way, your depression is one that can be gone without medical treatment as yours is due to a situation and not something you've suffered all your life due to a medical condition. SO once you start thinking positively about yourself, not embarrassed to reveal your current situation, you will find the depression disappears after a short while. If you find that you can not apply yourself and struggle with revealing your lack of experience due to the labs back in India, then you may need to talk to a school counselor about your feelings of being inferior and afraid to ask for help and thus being behind and overwhelmed. You may qualify for counseling outside of the school campus as well depending on whether you can snap yourself out of this mode or need extra support and reinforcing words from a counselor.
But even in the end, A counselor can only tell you what to do as I have done. YOu have to take what you've been told and apply it to your life. If you can not apply any of this to your life and make the needed changes, then you may be looking a a life long string of failures, and that only due to letting your mind have free reign with distorted, and unrealistic thoughts. A thought can be changed. The moment a bad thought enters your mind, acknowledge it but tell it to go because you know now you are not inferior and only need to ask for some help. I'll bet thats all you need and before you know it, you will be far ahead of anyone else.

TO ask now after so much time has gone by, you need to face fear. But fear will disappear while you are in the middle of revealing your circumstance. I had extreme fears as a child and through High school, so bad I could not do oral book reports, well not until I graduated and realized how my issues would affect the rest of my adult life if I didn't do anything about it. So I found repeatedly that whenever I faced a fear, that by admitting for example I needed help or didn't know something, that my fear of what the other person might think of me, just disappeared. There is a saying about taking a Leap of Faith but I feel that is wrong. Initially, the first few times until we've learned from the outcomes that our worst fears are unwarrented, we are actually taking a leap of fear. Yes, thats right, you leap into a situation fearing all the way, but based on the majority of good outcomes, you then learn to build a faith. I don't have a blind belief in lets say Spiritual matters. One hears of having to have faith there too. But for me, my faith wasn't truly solid until I had experiences that helped me build that faith. Faith is created, it isn't something that just automatically is already there like the sun and moon and stars. So tell your lab partners or teachers or whom ever you need to get help from about the condition of labs back in India. I'll bet it didn't even cross their minds that a college lab there might be under funded and under stocked and that your training thus far wasn't complete with lots of hand on doing. This doesn't mean you are less intelligent. ONce they know, they will be glad to help. You may have to tell them that the reason you said nothing until now when they ask why you didn't ask for help sooner, is because you felt they would ridicule you and think of you as inferior. But you finally got brave enough to ask due to the amount of time left to complete your training. You can't hide that part if they ask. They are human and have faced such fears in other situations too so they will understand how you feel and probably will think of you as brave to admit it.

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I’m a 13 year old girl. I have a crush on one of my friends, not my best friend or anything but we’re still friends. Recently he told me who he had a crush on (one of my other friends😩) which is a big deal for him because he has a hard time trusting people. But he said he trusted me. Lately we’ve been talking more and he invited me to come over to his house. He invited a couple other friends and well but they couldn’t come. He then asked if I wanted to come alone. We’re in band together so he taught me how to play drums a little. We just sat for a little and talked about random stuff but I felt like it was different than when I hang out with my other friends. Am I reading into nothing??? Does this mean he likes me too? Ps I’m not jealous for my other friend. She doesn’t know that he likes her but I know she doesn’t like him.


People tend to feel more comfortable around those they consider good/great friends but don't feel the romantic attraction to. And why? I believe because we want to make a good impression on them so we are constantly in fear that we may do something wrong that turns them off to us. It could be something like fearing we might stammer or be at a loss of words, sound stupid or look stupid, say the wrong thing, etc. What we forget is that most likely the other person has the same fears if they feel a romantic attraction. I am going to guess that if he feels so comfortable that he can trust you, then he definitely considers you a close friend. But he did say he has a crush on your friend.

About crushes: A crushing on someone is all in the mind and not part of a reality yet. Just because he is crushing on your friend doesn't mean she will automatically like him. You already know she doesn't feel any romantic attraction to him, thats what we mean when we say we don't 'like' someone. Liking someone as a friend is liking their personality and having things in common and caring enough about the other to be there for them, cheer them up and encourage them, help them out whenever they need help, all of the same things a happily married, deeply in love couple would have for each other except for one thing, the couple also has the romantic attraction for each other. I am older and had a first marriage where not only were we not like best friends but did not have a good enough romantic attraction. I did, he didn't. If its one way, it doesn't work. Yes, its possible for one person to feel that chemistry with the other but the other does not feel it at all.

So when you say you are attracted to him romantically, you understand now that it doesn't guarantee he will feel the same ever. You know he doesn't at this point. Since you wonder if you are reading too much in this , I feel that I must remind me that in your sentence that starts with "Er just sat for a little" you wrote the words "I felt" not he felt or we felt. So right now, all we can confirm is that you feel some romantic attraction to him beyond just the friendship.

Since both of you are young and just starting to learn about attraction and relationships, it could be that he had romantic attraction for your friend. If she doesn't feel the same, of course nothing will happen and it will never get to the point of them dating. This means at some point he will realize he has to start looking elsewhere.

And the best place to look is at the people you are comfortable with. Sometimes attraction and love isn't an instant fiery blaze in your heart but like a small ember that grows to a coal and continues slowly to become a blazing fire. It doesn't matter which way the attraction and love starts. What I am trying to tell you is that I believe its a good idea to continue on being a friend to him, learn what it is like to be a close trusted friend with someone of the opposite sex. You may think it's the same as being a friend to a girl and yes it is but with differences. Men and woman grow up and often still don't understand where the other is coming from, how they think and reason and explain things can be so vastly different that we make assumptions about the other and end up fighting a lot. So enjoy the friendship. Don't worry that he wasn't attracted to your looks first. I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

Well, it's not so much a secret as information that isn't widely shared. People are more attracted to others with self confidence than their looks. You can have plain looks, have some kind of speech impediment, not dress in the latest fashions and yet in the end have more people who want to be around you than those they were originally attracted to who looked pretty on the outside but lacked self confidence. Actual tests were done with single men and women who volunteered for what they thought was a different social test. As they waited their turn, they were observed to see how attraction works. Men are visual creatures and of course attracted initially to go over and meet the model types. However when they opened their mouths to speak, the men realized the women were boring, couldn't talk about regular subjects like normal people, were so worried that their hair and makeup was perfect and in all were pretty shallow people with low self confidence. If a person has self confidence, the subconscious mind in others will react to it. Eventually the men all went over to talk to the women with self confidence and stayed the whole time because they were more interesting. Yes, there will always be guys who never look deeper than the surface. And those guys will never know love of a life time and remain single, knowing only how to be players and date and leave em, changing girlfriends as often as changing socks. But boys your age are not yet looking at way into their future so you can't expect any thing long term yet. Right now it's just learning time. Of girls who wrote in and described HS boyfriends who were exceptional and sounded like the kind who would be the kind to stay long term with her, mature and treating her well, I can only think of two I've read of in the 4 or 5 years I've been on here. So it can happen but don't expect it. If you can get your mind to accepting that its possible that nothing at this stage is long term, then you can relax easier and just enjoy and also learn from what you do have now.

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I'm not sure how to handle the situation. A guy was apparently talking to both of us at the same time (we're in the same social circles) and neither of us ever told the other one because it all happened over the course of two weeks. All I knew was she was seeing somebody briefly and that they had supposedly stopped talking.

Well I guess he had stopped talking to her because he was talking to me and we wound up sleeping together. Then literally the very next night my friend and I were talking and she told me she still had feelings for the guy she was talking to before and told me how they had a lot of chemistry in bed and it sounded like she was going to try and start talking to him again so as a friend I wanted to know who it was because I was excited for her and that's how I found out we both slept with the same guy.

I don't know what to do now. I think we both slept with him within the same week and he's still been trying to talk to me. I obviously lost any kind of feelings for him because I know that he knows me and her are really close and that might have been his motive because we're thought of as the best two girls in the social circles were in so he probably set out to get with both of us. However, I realize it also could have been a fluke and he started talking to me during the time they had stopped talking.

I don't know if I should say anything to her about it. I think maybe it might be better to keep my lips sealed and just quickly end things with him. I think she really likes him, but I don't have any feelings for him yet so I'd rather she was with him.

If he tells her he slept with me my plan is to just deny it because he doesn't have any proof. I don't want to lose her as a friend or have her think we slept together after she told me who he was because the dates are all so close together that she might think after I heard he was good in bed that I wanted to be with him, when that wasn't the case.


What do I do? How do I handle the situation?

While if it were me in the situation, I might be tempted to lie about it, but I know that theres a chances He'd say something about it, especially in the heat of an argument with her, to hurt her and once she knows, then she'd know I Lied by omitting the truth and not telling her. The very fact I lied or kept it from her will make me look guilty and that is likely to threaten the friendship.

If you tell her, you may think your friendship ended because she could be angry enough to suspect you even though you did not intentionally set out to steal him away. And she may stop talking to you for an undetermined amount of time.

However she does need to here that this guy is a player and not worthy of having her as a friend or girlfriend. Don't tell her she needs to stop seeing him. If there are feelings, she will need to learn the hard way that this guy is what she thinks he is. Once she does learn the truth from actually being in a relationship with him, she will realize you were right and were only protecting her and that is what will save your relationship and bring her back to you even if she cut things off with you at some point. Well, some people do get very embarrassed and rather than admit they were wrong, they may not approach the person due to shame, and it may take you attempting periodically to reach out to her to see if she is ready to rekindle the friendship. I know this stuff from having 3 different family members for two different reasons stop talking to me thinking I was the one who treated them badly when they were out of line or had preconceived ideas. Two were parents and one a sister. If this can happen with family, it can happen with friends. Don't be afraid though, the truth and trying to protect her is way better than not saying anything at all. It may be peace for now but at some point in the future, keeping your lips sealed now may cause the death of your friendship. Better to face her anger and maybe unfair accusations without getting angry back at her and suffering it for a while rather than lose her for a lifetime.

As adviceman said, DO NOT USE THE PHRASE 'accidently slept with', unless it is rape, it is consensual and that is not considered an accident. Using 'accidental will already sound fishy and make you look guilty. What you suffer from is perhaps irratational at your lack of judgement and let me tell you dear, that no matter how old you get, after a divorce in my forties I was dating again and many a guy were able to fool me too, but only for 2 or 3 dates before they got comfortable enough to show their real self. If I can be fooled, with all the life experience I have, there is no shame in it, no reason for you to feel ashamed of getting caught up in his lies.

Heres another thought that may bring light to this situation. There are exceptions to the rules but a good majority of men do not fall in love like women do at first sight, maybe in lust. But men would rather take things slowly, not commit to any one lady until he has had a chance to get to know her well enough to decide whether he wants to continue to see her and take the relationship to a deeper level. How ever, even without having committed to one girl, in order to get to know her, he must spend enough time only with her, not sleeping with other women at the same time, in order to be able to make that decision. I met any guy that sounded promising in on line date sites, for at least one coffee shop date. This was so I could sense if I felt any chemistry. This is something you can't pick up on line. There may be the kind of chemistry for friendship but when it comes to the romance and sex part, if the chemistry of closely matching pheromones is missing, it's a no go for me. I met plenty of guys where I could tell enough from just the one meeting that I wasn't interested in even meeting a second time. Then there were two guys charming enough for the first 3 dates until I caught one in a lie and the other showed his real self by calling his housekeeper all sorts of racial slang and got verbally abusive with her, something my ex husband did with me from early on too. I didn't tell them the truth of why I decided against seeing them any further, simply saying I gave it enough of a chance but I still felt no chemistry on my side and they all seemed to accept it.

I told guys I met that I would also go on first meet up dates with other guys until I met and spent enough time with one that I wanted to explore further. Many Men seem to understand this as its something they do too. I also can't blame a guy for wanting to know if there is sexual chemistry. That was important to me too. But you don't have sex on a first date to find out if this is the guy you want as a boyfriend or husband.
A solid relationship is built on a foundation of two things, being each others best friend and being each others sexual equal.

That last bit is something to keep in mind. Discover first if the man can treat you as if you were his best friend. You will likely both feel the sexual attraction at the same time. But there can be sexual attraction without friendship and friendship without sexual attraction and too many marriages are one or the other. Both are needed. I feel its best to be certain you want this guy as your best friend first before exploring sexually. By the way, from simply a kiss, and talking about what we like sexually without having sex, I found was enough to tell if there was compatibility there. Not everyone will have in depth convos as I did on the subject and I had to instigate them as guys tend to be gun shy of bringing up the subject with women. I was sexually mismatched witht the ex, him having low libido and me high, and knowing how just that is enough to create tension although there were other issues as well.

I know you started out with just concern over how to handle this with girlfriend but I know that this could happen to you again unless you start to learn some things about how to find a good guy and how to recognize when you've found him. At least this should be enough for now to help you steer clear of possible experiences like this again in the future.



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I know it's lengthy, but I'd appreciate a read.

14 year old female. I'm not exaggerating or angsting, I'm telling the truth. I'd rather go to school than stay home because I feel well liked by my peers more so than my parents. Kind of sad I feel more welcomed in a group of Highschoolers than my family, but it's reality.

My dad was recently a drug user. He would often dissapear for days and weeks with the car and all our money because he's been doing drugs, and he's left the family in debt because of this. He's gone to rehab twice and if he's done drugs since the second time, I don't know. The first time was crack and heroin, the second time pain killers and my mom acts like that's progress. All throughout my childhood I remember being screamed at and being called an asshole, jerk, brat, etc and have him get up in my face and act like he's going to hit me, bitching about stupid stuff like how I'm drinking too much water, and he does it to my two siblings and mom too, but the difference is, I believe, is that I've become unafraid of him; I no longer tremble or listen to him, and I stop him from doing other bad things. Like when he stole my money to buy drugs I told. And I'm not afraid of him, and I know I'm a better person than he'll ever be and I've got my head set on leaving this house ASAP so he really resents me for that, because I can't be controlled by him.

I don't have as much issues with my mom but I've still got some. First of all, she spends 90% of her free time doing video games. I have to say something to her 5 times before she acknowledges that I said it and the only thing she ever talks about is money and how we're gonna get it.

My family is lower class, and whenever some illegal shit is about to happen to get money I've always been the first one to say something and to stop it, so that's just a problem my family has with me in general. As strange as this sounds, I've been laughed at by adults in my family for not drinking, smoking, and sleeping around like they do and instead focusing on school and things I like doing (theatre, reading, etc.) My mom has also called me a bitch, selfish, spoiled, etc on multiple occasions and usually it's because I'm refusing to partake in activities I know are corrupt and immoral or I'm standing up to my parents corrupt and immoral actions. These actions include taking out welfare money to buy stuff they don't need like shampoo or jewelry (or worse, drugs and alcohol), shoplifting, tricking people into giving them money, etc.

The general philosophy of my family is "if it's not affecting you, don't worry" and I just can't agree with that and find it highly ironic that I'm called a selfish, spoiled bitch. I know exactly what I'm going to do; I'm going to study hard, I'll go to a college nearby where I don't need to pay for rooming and therefore have less student loans, I'll get good grades and graduate, get a good job, then I'll get out of here. I'm going to make something of myself and not only help my own life but help other people born into unfourtanate circumstances.

But then there's my other cousins and siblings; they're way more sucked into it than I am. I used to be, but I met good people and have read a lot of books and listened to a lot of musicals that made me think there's a way out, and I've made it a mission to reform myself since. The other kids in my family aren't like that, and I'm the one keeping them all out of trouble. I'm afraid that once I bounce out, they'll fall into it and I don't want that to happen. What should I do?

My heart aches for your situation. But the bright spot is how you seem to have your act together and are far more mature than most people your age. You sound like a very wonderful person.
It doesn't take any skills to bring a child into the world but it sure takes a lot for those people to be adults and make good decisions when they have children and unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way. I am glad you understand that it is not you with the problems but your parents. Mom may seem like a lesser issue but she hasn't reached out for help. I agree with Adviceman, that CFS or I've heard it called CPS Child Protective Services too, needs to be alerted. You may feel you can handle it until you turn 18 and can leave home. But your siblings may never speak up and fall into bad habits and end up like your parents. Also, your parents won't on their own reach out for help so having such an agency get involved can help with psychiatric treatment if needed, counseling and parenting classes for parents and
entered in treatment or rehab centers.
In case you are afraid of doing so and losing your parents totally, no matter how bad they are, these agencies will do whatever they can to rehab a parent, do continuous checkups on them afterwards and leave children with their parents. Children usually only go into temporary Foster care while the parents are being helped to get their act together. These days, they even allow the mentally disturbed parent to keep their children as long as medicine helps them and they actually take the medicine. I know this all because I have a granddaughter whom a teacher spotted bruises all over. My daughter is divorced from the childs father and remarried to a guy who sounds like a psychopath from what little interaction I've had with him and stories from his mom. My daughter has depression but may have mental illness too. It runs in the family, her dad and uncles have it. They had to go thru psychological testing and also do parenting classes and will now receive regular checkups at home. After getting custody of this child, my daughter says she can't handle it anymore, its too stressful. Truly all her energy goes to trying to keep her husband from blowing a fuse on a daily basis. So the birth father is picking her up and bringing her back. The child is not a problem kid and I find her easy to get along with so the child is not the problem. But I have learned from talking to the people in charge at CPS that the parents have passed psychological evaluation and parenting classes. So it is not getting your parents in trouble but a way to get them help dear. Don't be afraid to tell a teacher or counselor at school.

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I’ll be moving to another state for a while and I want to give someone else permission to use my bank card/withdraw money from my bank. Do I have to add them to my bank account?

I know people who have wanted the same thing and what they did is go to the bank with this person and fill out whatever paper work so that person is on the account and has their own card. Only that way will it not raise red flags.
There are so many crooks stealing pin numbers and bank card info these days that banks keep implementing new procedures.
My husband went to assist a friend who got an assignment out of state job wise and needed help. WHen the husband used his debit card to buy something, I got a call from the bank immediately saying money had been spent on my card in that state and asked if that was me. I said my husband was there with a friend and he already told me he had spent that money so I would know.

Even if you mean this to be for a short time, a couple of months, its worth it to do it right or you may find the bank has frozen your card until anything can be cleared up and that is not an instant fix when you're trying to use it and it won't work at the store or where ever. DO it right.

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