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Boyfriend wants to smoke weed, I hate it.
Hello, I’m 23/f and my boyfriend is 25. Next month is our three year anniversary so after this whole thing is done, I really would prefer to not see “just break up with him,” that may be what it comes down to but I would like to hear other options and others opinions which is why I’m coming here.
About 10 years ago, I found weed in my dad’s dresser. I know to some people, weed wouldn’t be that big of a deal but I was young and it killed me - the man I look up to, the best man I knew smoked weed. Ever since then, I haven’t been as close to him. I was always daddy’s little girl, I was with him all the time and now I just can’t respect him that much anymore. I’ve seen him lie to my mom about smoking it, I’ve watched my mom tell him she wants him to quit and he told her no he won’t, in so many situations choosing a drug over my mom every single time. He told my mom he would never get a pen, he said they’re filled with so many chemicals but just a couple weeks ago, he got one because he said it blends in better and he whips it out and does it in public all the time now, in the middle of dinner sitting at a table in a restaurant, at the beach, at concerts. This last winter, he was at a friends house and right before they were going to leave, he stayed back to smoke and told my mom he’d be out in a minute, leaving my mom to walk down this long icy driveway by herself, she fell and twisted her ankle and he was inside getting high not caring about a single thing. I’ve rode in the car with him many times to only come home and find out that he’s had paraphernalia in the car and he would just joke about it like “oh well at least we didn’t get pulled over.” I’ve watched him smoke up so much and then just sit around and do nothing while my mom and I clean the house and make dinner. My mom just told me the other day that on my brother’s very first Halloween, he smoked up and told her he couldnt go out trick or treating and left my mom to do it all on her own.
My 26 year old brother smokes as well. My father buys off of him and they do it together all the time and I think that is so wrong. We’ll be at family functions and they’ll be missing from the party and my mom would have to lie on their behalf because nobody else in the family knows that they do it.
Now, my mom, dad, brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend and I were all away in the mountains this weekend. I first got upset with my boyfriend because we were driving out to get breakfast and my brother asked if anyone wanted a beer for the ride (mind you that my cabin is in the middle of nowhere, there are no neighbors for miles and the only police are state police but since we are right on the border, police don’t come to our side) but my boyfriend said he wanted a beer anyway and he was driving and even though we were in the middle of
nowhere, I still thought that was stupid, it felt to me like he was trying to impress my brother. I told him I’d drive to make the situation a little better and he refused, I asked many many times and he would not let me drive.
Fast forward a couple hours and I could tell he was in a bad mood. I pulled him aside to ask what was up since I forgave and forgot and even apologized for how I handled the previous situation, so I didn’t think he’d still be mad about that. He said he wants to smoke but he knows I’d be mad about it. So I got upset that weed was kind of taking precidence, he was in a bad mood because I “wouldn’t let him” smoke but if I did, he would be happy as a clam. He used to smoke very heavily in high school and quit for three years so that’s where his, I guess, desire is coming from. He brought it up before but I can’t express to him enough how much I hate it. He says I’m being biased since my dad gave me such a poor view of it and I will admit that my dad doing it is a part of it. But I also hate the smell. He’s on a no carb diet so I hate that his will power is strong enough to not eat carbs but it’s not enough to not want to smoke and when he does smoke, he eats so that diet goes to shit anyway. It’s not even like he hasn’t at all since we started dating, he went to Oregon with friends and I was fine with it then since it was legal there a while ago. He does sometimes when we have friends over or, even though it infuriates me, with my dad. We went to Jamaica and I was also fine with him doing it there. But now it’s like, he just keeps wanting more. During this argument this weekend, he told me it would be nice to be able to smoke after a bad day at work, which is honestly more times than not. So he went from wanting to do it on special occasions, to wanting to do it a little more just for fun on weekends, to wanting to do it during the week. It also really pains me when I can tell sometimes that he’s in a bad mood and he doesn’t talk to me about it. I have to drag it out of him sometimes and other times he just “doesn’t want to burden me” so he doesn’t tell me anything at all. So when he had a bad day at work, it isn’t good enough that he can come home to talk to me, he needs to smoke weed and that’ll make it all better. I’ve even noticed the times that he has done it that he gets quiet so why is it fair that he can do what he wants, as he said, to make his quality of life better, but I have to suffer? I know that relationships are compromise and I feel like I’m doing my part on that front by letting him do it on special and fun occasions but I honestly refuse to be my mom who hates it but sits back and accepts it because she knows that my dad doesn’t love and respect her enough to stop and while that’s the case, she continues to lie for him while he’s out doing it to cover for him.
I’m just the kind of person, I always have been, that believes people do not need things to escape their life or make it better. It actually really hurt me that he told me Jamaica was fun but the weed made it better, not that being there with me made it better or the memories we made together made it better. So many people would kill to go somewhere as beautiful as Jamaica, without anything to make it better or alter it in any way. I just firmly believe that if there is something wrong, you should fix it the natural way, go for a run, work out, talk to someone, not use a drug and then mask what the problem is. I need to do things i don’t like sometimes and I need to endure the same family that my dad and brother do but I don’t go out and smoke up to make it all seem better or tolerable. I will never forget when I got tickets with my parents to see a band that I’ve been obsessed with for five years prior, it was the best time of my life until I turned around to sing my dad and I’s favorite song along with the band and he was right behind me smoking a bowl Ike the show wasn’t good enough for him until he was high.
I guess I just need someone to tell me if I’m overreacting or something, I don’t know. I just need some thoughts, am I not being fair? Should I let him and be okay with it? Any advice is appreciated.
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This is complicated. Lead with people is that. And unfortunately, we can't change anyone. I passed for the same situation, but my father or not even a person on my family smokes weed, they are totally against that. But, even though, I can imagine how your mind is going on. My boyfriend used to do that too, he said the same: it's an escape for him, but even though I didn't lead with that in a good way.
That's sad, right? You like someone, but there is a thing that you need to prioritize:YOURSELF. If it's too much hard to see your father in this situation, imagine your husband? A person that will stay on your side for all your life long. "You can't try to teach a pig to sing. It's going to bore him and only frustrate you". There is a TED' talk that maybe can help you better on this situation. Try it. Make a decision. I will send good energies to you! [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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Such people will not follow any advices. No one can stop from doing it. It depends on what kind of weed he smokes and how often. Nowadays lots of people do that.
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The family members and your boyfriend have the odds against them driving while high or driving while impaired (DWI) would be the legal charge if caught and they will get caught. Hopefully before the kill someone. The odds get worse if they drink alcohol while smoke weed and driving. The statistics from those states where marijuana is legal bear out that accidents and highway deaths have increased since legalization.
I can't see staying in a relationship where I'm not valued enough that my significant other would put me in harms way by choosing weed over me. You have been lucky that you have not been in an accident with him while his DWI.
My advice to you is to give your boyfriend an ultimatum that he chose between you or the weed. If you do so be ready to walkaway if he chooses the weed.
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Should I let him and be okay with it? Him who? is my question since it seems Dad and brother and boyfriend smokes. And by stay, I assume you mean stay in a relationship with. This would mean choosing to never see the boyfriend anymore, or if you mean family, then Dad or brother.
At the end you mention Jamaica and since it seems that right now, the issue you want to deal with first is the bf, I will answer first using what you wrote.
You wrote: It actually really hurt me that he told me Jamaica was fun but the weed made it better, not that being there with me made it better or the memories we made together made it better.
This shows me you are an exceptional wise person to even realize this and have it be important to you. You may be an old soul too as well. My 2nd husband is a wonderful man. He is someone who like me believes that even doing daily chores or mundane things like grocery shopping is much more fun with we are doing it together. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as we together, that makes navigating life more important, significant or even fun. Since the BF doesnt see you in this way and it doesn't seem you're as important as weed, you will probably end up unhappy in the long run as it doesn't seem you two are even a close match, at least in his attitude about not finding time with you makes everything more special. Of course many people are like this and incapable of being any better. Its not so much pot that is the issue here but his attitudes and beliefs deep down at his core of who he is. Pot is something he is drawn to so strongly due to who he is deep inside. I'd have to say the same about Dad.
There are more states making pot legal all the time so eventually it will have nothing to do with breaking the law.
I think people can over do anything and what you are experiencing is the use of it by Dad and b/f to the overuse of it so they end up incapable of participating in life with family. That is not good so I don't think you are overreacting. However, I know enough people who use weed medicinally as I do for insomnia. Nothing else worked for me and I had insomnia most my life however it got worse once I hit menopause. So I had to get sleep and found pot works. I know plenty older women who use it for the same reason. I never use it during the day, just at night to go to sleep. As such, I find it easy to tolerate and understand others using it medicinally. Your not liking the scent of it, can't be helped, however if a person is using the vape pens rather than buds there is very little to no odor at all if they have a good working pen.
People can get addicted to or try to escape life other ways too, like alcohol, other drugs, pain killers, so its not that weed is bad, its the reason why its used and some recreational just to help relax due to stress or anxiety causing things during the day is fine when one gets home. But if they smoke more than enough to just relax and don't feel like doing any chores or interacting with loved ones without the use of it, then something is wrong.
No, you don't have to like it. But if you get or have your own place that you pay for and are the only one on the lease, then you have the say as to what happens there, your place, your rules.
So limit the amount of time you see your Dad when you get to this point or find ways to spend less time around him now. Invite Dad over only sparingly and let him know he can visit if sober and not smoking inside or outside your front door for the length of time he is over to visit. If he breaks your rule, its time to go. If he puts up a fuss, you tell him, your place, your rules and that if he forces you to do the hard thing, you will call the police to come remove him. It sounds awful to have to treat a parent in such a way but I don't believe this goes against the honor your parents commandment of the bible or as its written in other faiths. A parent must be honor worth to recieve honor. A parent also makes minor mistakes along the way but learns from them eventually and doesn't repeat and these shouldn't be held against them in that case. You can love a person but not like what they do. THats like God, who loves us but doesn't love sin, which by the way in archery simply means missing the mark, or in current day words, just not getting it, and continually doing or choosing the wrong thing.
It sounds like you need to find a sweetheart who is not into weed or any other things taken to the point of avoiding living life and you need a man who will treasure you and enjoy even more the times with you because it just makes life feel more special, no matter if its shopping or a vacation.
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