|
Long Distance Situation
Hey I am a 19 year old female. I have this situation at the moment with this guy who is 27 ( which for me personally has never had an effect on any of this situation just thought I would mention it) . I was visiting home from university during the holidays a couple months back and I met this guy we kind of hit it off. He got my number and we texted, the next night I met up with him and we had sex. ( probably worth mentioning I lost my virginity that night) The next day I went back to university which is 4 hours away from him.
We talk everyday but its very on and off as in the conversations just start and stop randomly. On top of normal conversation things we have been sexting a bit so there is no denying attraction. Sometimes I drunk text him and ask him how he feels etc and he says good things take time etc.
So moving forwards I had a week off and went home. He said we would definitely hang out while I was back. Days went by and he was saying that he's just been busy with work and his daughter which I understand like he has priorities but I also feel like if he really wanted to see me he would sort it. On the Friday I end up going to a party that he's at and its kind of awkward for a while I'm talking to everyone else but him. Then as the night went on we talked more then we went clubbing and we started getting closer etc and I went home with him again.
I was leaving for university that Wednesday and was wondering if I would actually see him not drunk or with friends. Anyway he ended up hanging out with me all of Wednesday before my flight left, we just hung out and got food.
We carry on talking long distance sexting and he will occasionally FaceTime me after he's been drinking. The talking is always just general conversation I'm never sure if he actually wants to properly get to know me.
Same shit goes on and then I come back for a night on my birthday. He had told me he will definitely see me on my birthday but over the night he was like I don't feel like going out etc and I was like its fine even though I was upset. Like he was still having drinks at his house with friends. I had no plans and was just having some drinks with my cousin then she left and I told him and he was like come over then didnt know you were by yourself. So I go to his and its kinda awkward cos I met his mum and more friends. The night goes on and he's randomly touching my face etc but I feel like thats just he alcohol.
Later that night everyone leaves and I'm staying over, we hop into bed and he puts on a movie and we just cuddle and he falls asleep. Its not that I was expecting sex but I was confused as to why he wouldn't try anything. So we literally slept in each others arms cos he wouldn't let me go which is different then the last times I've stayed over? anyway we actually have sex in the morning and things are good then I leave yet again.
That was almost 3 weeks ago I go home in about 3 again. We are still talking but feel like I am getting such mixed signals. Like some days he doesn't even talk to me, the next he can't stop, last night he was saying we should go camping sometime? which is a good sign cos it means we would be talking in the future?
I know he's having a rough time recently cos his baby is moving away with her baby mama. So I feel like he's trying to sort that in his life out. I just want to know whats going on with us like is it going anywhere? does he want me?
I just need a second opinion on all this because I like him but I am very confused and my school year is almost done and I am actually taking a gap year so I want to know if this could be something serious.
Theres a lot more I could say but this is the general run over of the situation.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
The only LDR's that I believe work is when two people who are in love have to be apart due to job or school and meet in person but later have to do the long distance thing for a while. In your case, I am not even going to address the long distance because no matter what you may be feeling, I don't sense it is love and doesnt' sound like it for him either. I have no problem with the age difference. What is minor issue is that he's had time to experience things and learn from mistakes if at all, but you are just starting out at 19, you can't expect to know what he does.
You dear, need to decide what it is you really want right now and then learn from those older who've gone down that road already how its done and how to spot the right guy. I don't know if you've dated before but at least I know you lost your virginity. Females tend to build up love type of feelings for a guy they are having sex with based on the sex only and the physical attraction.
That isn't enough for a solid relationship that ends up with dating each other exclusively or getting married. This man has no reason to want a woman permanently in his life if he can live out that saying "Why buy the Cow if you can get the milk free?"
If for some reason you don't get the connection, I will spell it out without a flowery phrase: Why make a commitment to you when he can get all the sex and sexting he wants for free without having to commit?
Now there's nothing wrong with that if that is what you want too. But just in case "playing devils advocate here" worse case scenerio, he may have found that girls his age have already learned the hard way and aren't as willing to give it up so easily. Right now, you could label what you have 'Booty call'. No, I am not trying to hurt your feelings. Its just what I see and I am about as open minded as they come. I even told my daughters that unlike the church saying to wait til marriage for sex which I did, that its' better once you feel you have found the one who may be worth staying with the rest of your life, that you better 'test drive the car' so to speak, meaning have sex with him and see if after a while of that over time, that you both have the same likes, same libido and are sexually compatible. I wasn't with my ex husband.
So, considering that if your guy is a player and just loves to have a bunch of women in his little black book that he can call any time he wants sex, thats fine as long as you are okay with this not being a friendship as well as the sex. If you want a guy for a bf, not only a lover, then you may want to reconsider how you're going about this.
He isn't having to beg you for anything. You willing go home with him, willing sext him, he's probably feeling pretty good about that, not having to invest anything other than the little time he throws you.
THere are two things that make for a solid foundation for any relationship to be built upon...on is being each others best friend and the other, being each others sexual equal. A big reason for unhappy marriages is when two marry and only have the strong connection as best friends but lack the sexual part. After having a child or two, the female no longer wants him, or if she wants him, he tired of her because she doesnt like the same things in sex, or vice versa. And so resentment builds towards each other and one or both may go looking for affairs to have to get the sexual compatibility they lack in marriage.
On the other hand, if they have great attraction to each other and a great sex life but never even checked to see if there could be a strong consistent loving friendship as well, then these marriages have only one reason they stay, the sex and when not in bed the two are always fighting, always treating each other like crap, breaking promises consistantly, hurting each others feelings and basically not giving a crap. ITs rare to find couples that have both. I didn't in my fist marriage but I learned what to look for so the second time around, I found a man also divorced who wanted his next life partner, someone to grow old with and this one meets both conditions for a solid base to our relationship, we're each others best friend and sexual equals.
Okay, let me say another thing, my 2nd husband was lonely for a companion, even though he had his teen daughter having chosen to live with him rather than mom. But despite how busy he was working overtime, and caring for a daughter, even she saw something missing in his life and encouraged him to find a lady friend. So what I am saying here is that if a man finds a woman that he is really impressed by (the attraction is the easy part and thats a given...cus guys are visual and won't encourage a gal they are not sexually attracted to) being so impressed will mean he wants to spend more time with her getting to know her to find out if she could possibly be someone to date long term or if he's ready to start looking for a life time mate, then such a man is going to want to spend time with the female. Not even a child he is responsible for is going to make his heart not long to be with a woman.
A guy who wants you for more than sex will enjoy evening just chatting for hours talking about the kind of things that help catch you both up on all the past years for each of you, your past history, where you grew up, siblings, how you entertained yourself as a kid, the kinds of parents you have and some of their background, your first jobs, schooling, hopes, fears, dreams, your favorite things, like favorite color, favorite collectibles if you have a collection, etc.
This guy may know you sexually but does he know any stories of your childhood, your favorite color, your birthday or Sun sign? He may have shown enough interest to learn a couple things about you. But that could be just to impress you due to your inexperience, and get you to believe he really is into you. He may not have any other girls on the side elsewhere...but the level of interest he shoes in being with you is an important thing. I could be totally wrong about this bf of yours but maybe not. If I am right, you may end up hurt somewhere along the way.
If it was just about getting past the point of still being virgin and not having had any sex, well, you accomplished that. But I think you want more than what you basically have right now because you asked:
"whats going on with us like is it going anywhere? does he want me?"
By 'anywhere', you have to define for yourself what exactly it is that you want when you say it. Anywhere can literally mean any possible situation, from one of many booty calls, to a one in a long string of monogamous short term relationships, someone who is into certain things in his life that most women wouldn't put up with so he is dating a person, not for younger in age but due to having less life experience yet and not knowing any better, or a guy who is willing to date and even marry though he knows you're not right together but he's willing to do it because the sex is so good (this is the sex minus best friends type of relationship) or the man is crazy about you, can't spend enough time with you and is always showing you in many different ways how much he is in love with you. And do you picture dating someone like that indefinitely or do you hope at some point a man like that would want to make a commitment to you.
Its one thing to not commit to one person until you have stumbled across the person who you want to be with the rest of your life. But its another thing to hang out aimlessly in between bouts of sex or just having sex. Sure, sex is wonderful and can be great with the right person. But I didn't learn until my current husband that what passed for sex for me in the past has nothing on what we have now. Sex when two people are in love and best friends makes for a connection and feelings and experiences in sex that always keep it exciting and new things happening all the time, even after 9 years together.
If you'd like either a test on whether a guy loves you and how much, just ask me for it.
If you want to learn more on how to look for and recognize a Mr. Right for you, then just ask. You need to know whether this current guy is or isn't.
or you can choose to learn as I did, by the school of hard knocks which is experiencing all the bad things by not knowing any better. If you write do so from my column. I can't answer where you comment in ratings.
]
More Questions: |