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Boyfriend drinking
Hi everyone, so my boyfriend and I are coming up on being together for a year. He is 27 and I am 22. He really drinks a lot, frequently. He also has a motorcycle which he does ride drunk which is an issue I have been addressing him on. If we’re not together at night, a lot of the time he goes out, either by himself or with some friends. It’s beyong frustrating to me. How do I encourage different behavior? He says he gets a low and than he makes poor decisions and he doesn’t like that he does it, he just can’t help it. What can I do? This really puts a wedge in our relationship, because I always feel like he chooses alcohol over spending time with me. I want to help him, and I don’t know how. I tell him over and over he has a drinking problem, and it doesn’t make anything better, he just says “no I don’t” or “yeah I know”. It hurts me the decisions he makes, and he’ll say “then break up with me.” I need advice on how to help him, or how to encourage different behavior, or anything that could help us as a couple. I’m not a drinker, when we go out I’ll sip on a beer or two and that’s it. I don’t enjoy drinking, and don’t see how it’s fun multiple times a week. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated... thank you
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Yes, I also agree a person needs to hit their bottom before they are ready, ready for whatever positive change is involved. It doesnt have to be alcohol, I was married once to a verbally abusive man and it took me a long time to finally have had enough of it to leave him.
With the lows he mentions, I agree, that it is best the BF see a licensed therapist. I can't say what is causing him to go for alcohol, maybe to forget his depression temporarily. It may be something like bi polar too, my sister has it and was recently diagnosed and she had lows too although there were high times but they were fewer and shorter. It could be another mental illness and its hard for anyone but a professional to figure out what it is as many have the same basic symptoms with only one or two different symptoms.
The problem is getting him to even go. LIke already said, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him drink. An ex counseling friend told my ex husband to go for treatment. He went and I did too. We decided on the best fit for a pychologist. He was going to see the doctor on his own for a while, something that in his mind he equated to a thing he needed to do, attend to be able to keep me. However he did not apply himself. Then I overheard him telling a friend he went but still wasn't convinced he had a problem so he was only going to appointments but wasn't interested in what the counselor was telling him to do. He said he was going only to get me to stop complaining.
So keep in mind, your BF may try that, to get you off his back. Go for help but not really ready for it. You will know in time if he is changing for the better. But then he may never get around to going to see a counselor. I feel the lows and whatever is causing them need to be addressed before he may be ready to address the issue of his alcoholism.
As for what you can do, nothing more than you're already doing other than adding in that it might be a good thing to go see a counselor to be checked out to discover what is causing his lows.
For yourself, you might decide how much time you want to give him to go see a professional for help and really apply himself. Some people hit their bottoms at different times. It could happen in a year, a couple years, but what if its going to take 5 or 10 years before he is ready to go for treatment, IF he is still alive and hasn't died riding his motorcycle drunk. I know you love him. But What is it you want in life? Are you looking for a husband and want children some day? He's got a long road ahead to recovery but if he isn't willing to start it, you may have to make that hard decision and pick out a time you are willing to wait to see him change. This only works if you can be strong enough to leave if he chooses to stay in this rut. I wonder if he's the type who may wake up if he realized he could possibly lose you if things don't change. IT only works if he is truly in love and his depression or whatever doesn't interfere with his feelings. HIs bottom, may not come ever, but may come sooner if you actually left him at some point and he realizes that he needs to change and is finally ready to. But if you do leave, let him know you will be waiting and watching to see if he does go for professional help and that you are leaving the door open for a while. Remind him that he better not take too long to get help because if a nice guy came along that fell for him and you for him, there's a possibility you will no longer be a chance to come back to him.
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My brother in-law is a 25 year recovering alcoholic. He tells me before an alcoholic will change they have to hit bottom. For him it was waking up in the drunk tank. Everybody's bottom is different. Dragging him to aa meetings is the same as leading a horse water but you can't make it drink.
Your boyfriend drinks, as he says, because he is feeling low. While I am not a doctor I do know that feeling low is a symptom of depression. That fact that he cycles through these feelings could me he is suffering from manic depression.
My advice is to ask him to get a full physical and to be screened for depression. If he agrees to getting a physical you make the appointment for him and tell the person making the appointment that the doctor needs to screen him for depression. Doing this assures you the doctor is at least aware of what to look for.
If the screening proves he is depressed. Find a Board Certified psychiatrist to treat him. Be your boyfriend is found to be suffering from clinical or manic depression a psychiatrist is the best medical doctor to treat him.
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