Dragonflymagic's advice column | Page 328

home view feedback ask questions add as friend advicenators

Gender:

Female

Location:

Washington state

Occupation:

Retired

Age:

64

Member Since:

April 24, 2013

Answers:

7093

Last Update:

October 11, 2025

Visitors:

127954

Favorite Columnists

solidadvice4teens

kittenlover2000

Main Categories:

General Sex Questions

about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

So say there's this guy, and he's like 23.
He's said that he has never dated anyone ever in his entire life and says that he is focusing on school. But then say you find out from a close source of him that he's a player and just wants to have fun. Not only that, he has done many one night stands and hook ups.. And that he has also one time hooked up with this girl and was seeing this girl for awhile afterwards but then that girl was already taken by another man but he knew but he still did it anyways cause he felt that she could've been the one... But it didn't work out anyways and has gone back to his old ways!
Anyways point of this question is do you think a guy like that could ever change his ways and be serious and be committed like say in the future? Getting it all out of his system ..
Or do you think he could never be changed and that if he ever did finally settle down , do you think he would cheat later on cause he would miss the wild single life ?

Most humans don't like change and so most of the time they do not change for the better in their life.
No one else can change them or influence a change in them. Some people change a little, maybe they learn a lesson in one area and grow up a little but most people may very little changes to their character. So you have to assume that the person you consider dating or marrying is going to be exactly as you know them to be at the beginning.

About the thought of "getting it out of his system" what does that phrase say to you about his character right now? Here, I'll help...it means he is focused only on gratifying the self...no room in his value system for thinking of and putting the other person first, of wanting to uphold and support another person. There are always trouble signs out there, They are subtle sometimes so you have to learn how to look for them or what you are looking for. So is there really such a thing as getting enough of it else where so a person can remain monogamous and faithful after? What is this magical quota or number of conquests that will make him want to be faithful to one woman? I think you know the answer to that. He will always think he is missing something. On the side, you have to consider also the character and values and moral character of the person you are getting any information from that it is not distorted. If a close friend of his tells you this but engages in the same activity...his own testimony comes into question. Why would he tell on a buddy doing the same. Now if it is family who tells you, they most likely know him the best and have nothing to gain or lose from telling you the truth

I'm a singer, and I was thinking about posting some covers songs on YouTube to get more people to see my original work.

And I was thinking... I know it's illegal, because of copyrights, but I could not find a single instance of someone getting sued because of a cover on Youtube during a few hours of research.

So, is there any real danger of that?

I mean, I've even found several artists who now have record deals because of YouTube covers, such as Christina Grimmies (sp) who's on tour with Selena Gomez.

And Selena asked her on tour BECAUSE she did her song.

So, is the worst that can happen is YouTube taking it down and giving your account a strike?

Thank you.

I think the thing with copyrights mean you can not use their song and post and claim it as your own song you created. And certainly can not attempt to make money on it.
There are some songs I like better when the cover artist did it because I can hear the lyrics more clearly and I like their own style and variations they put into it.
As far as I can recall, as long as you are labeling your you tube video as being a cover of such and such song by such and such singer, then you are giving them the original credit, nothing is stolen. When you do a song, your voice is different and you will likely have subtle or obvious differences, you will make your version just that..another version of their song. Some people do it just for fun, others do it because they would like to become singers some day. You tube only take down original concert videos of the actual original artist who did not give their permission for the video to be posted. It seems if the same song was used but the person posting it used photos they posted that reminded them of the song, those were allowed to stay up. But like you, I have never seen cover artist have any problem with you tube at all.

This guy I'm 90% sure I'm in love with. (Its the only explanation I can find for the way he makes me feel) I've known him 2 years. But he lives a few hours from me and I'm not sure we were ever meant to cross paths. But I just cant get over him. No matter what I try. Can someone please give me advice.

How have you known him for the 2 yrs? Are we talking about an internet relationship? Have you ever met in person? Has he ever hinted at being anything more than a friend to you?
It is easy for our feelings to become involved, how else can you find tears to cry at the tender parts or sad parts of a movie.
Once you are drawn in by details of the characters lives and see the hardships of life they experience, it is easy to develope enough feeling to shed tears at a movie,
so it is the same with a relationship, on the net or in person, just the sharing of information back and forth, and being there to cheer or encourage each other when needed is enough to forge a bond that pulls at your emotions and gets them involved. While you feel something for him, its no guarantee that there is enough there to maintain and grow a relationship. There are many loving relationships where the two are best friends but beyond new relationship excitement energy, there is not enough chemistry or spark to have a vital romantic passionate sex life. Both are important. How many married people no longer have sex but they are married to their best friend.
If this guy has interest to meet you or is already hanging with you as a friend sometimes, you owe it to yourself to just ask him how he feels about you. Or tell him you are curious as to how well the two of you would do if you took it to the next level. It is hard tho because of the distance so there has to be a real strong draw to get you to meet as often as you can so you can determine if there is enough spark to become a couple...and if so, one must be willing to relocate. If he doesn't have any interest other than friends, then write down the aspects about him that you liked that made you feel a love for him, and then go looking for that in other guys.

What does cum mean?

The word cum has two meanings:

one is the written version that we use for the word come as in I am going to cum to orgasm.

The other refers to the liquid that both males and females can expell from the body during an orgasm.
When the guy ejaculates this is called semen in medical terms and it contains sperm. But no one is ever satisfied with the technical terms for long so we say cum, jism, jizm, schlong juice, man chowder and there are lesser used terms.
Females can get very wet too. Some in fact can ejaculate but there are no words to label her liquids because the studies on how it works are not even complete yet, so if the scientists and medical community have not got the whole picture yet not all the words are there yet. What they have labeled is what she does, not the liquides.
A woman is said to make a puddle, make a wet spot, gush, trickle or squirt. Some can be just extra fluid inside her. Some let go enough so the man feels it trickle down his legs and balls when shes on top. And if both learn how to get a g-spot orgasm from her, many but not all woman have an ejaculation that will travel inches to a foot or two outside of her.

I am an 18 year old girl.
Every time I'm with my boyfriend and we make out I get wet but as soon as he starts to finger me for a few seconds I get dry and it hurts. After that I can't get wet again...what is wrong?

I always have him use a lubricant on my clit for example when stimulating it because yes it hurts when any wetness or even lube is soaked up by the skin. So sometimes I have to use a petroleum jelly product. Having a lubricant makes the friction more intense and there is no drag or pulling at the skin which after a while can even at times create a small tear. If we went to working on fingering inside, my g spot, I need to be already aroused for that to work so lots of kissing, foreplay, clit work helps. Then again, it can be how much liquids you drink, vs something drying like wine or coffee. That can have an effect but more of the time it's where my mind is at, if I am distracted by stress over something.
I don't know if you both are trying for the g-spot orgasms, so if you are, it can be very dry in there too until you get very aroused. Instead of going into details on the g-spot I will leave you with a short video on the g-spot done by my favorite sex advice person for teens and college age, Sex Plus with Laci Green on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz68K2qAlkE&feature=c4-overview-vl&list=PLTXiNEUzXWKTfNYKThSk-kmJdf7AJRP5K

Hi ... 14 F ( english is not my home language so sorry) So as you can see i'm a teen. I'm madly inlove with my bf. He is one of those bad boys but is very cute and nice. Yeasterday we chilled and he held me and my hand and so on. But i'm going away for two weeks and i'm scared he wil forget me! how do i tell him that i'm scared of that ? coz u know guys they'll just say there's nothing to warry about..... Also there's this girl who can't keep her hands off of him. help me pleez

You admitted he is one of the Bad boys. Most bad boys do not know how to stay out of trouble in any area of their life including relationships. With a bad boy, you will have the guy who does not treat you good after a while or pretends to have interest while he goes after other girls or other girls find it easy to get him to leave another girl. My guess is...you're with the wrong guy.
If you think about it, the reason you want to be with a bad guy is not because of the Bad part but because he seems exciting, while the good boys seem dull and boring. But trust me, there are many Good boys out there who may be quiet and shy at first but once they become comfortable with a person, you discover they are actually not boring but a very exciting person. Don't go based on first appearance at your age. Guys at this time are just starting to date like you are. No one has any experience. You date to learn what it is you like and dont like in another person. This is what will help you one day as an adult to choose the man to marry or be in a long term relationship with. Enjoy your 2 weeks away and see where the situation is at when you return. You may decide after a 2 wk break that you really don't want to be with him after all.

Hi everyone ..
Im 24 married for 2 years, don't have any children, im married to this wonderful guy,recently his brother has passed away, and he's the only chance that his parents would have grandchilds, the problem is that im not ready for the responsebilty,im not ready having a kid, im not sure if I ever gonna want one because of the presure,, and the other thing that im not in love with him im not happy with him maybe because I married him soon, he was my first and we got married...so I took a decision I left him and now im in my parents house, we're thinking abt divorce, the thing is that im not getting at any conclusion, I mean he's in love with me he cares abt me ..are those reasons enough to me getting back to him?? I feel that I don't deserve them in a way..I don't know what to do ..should I leave him or otherwise. ..

If he was your first and you did not get a chance to date around to discover what you did and didn't like in a guy, then you never had a chance to really know if he was the best for you. Since you have discovered you do not love him, obviously he was not the one for you. He may be a truly wonderful person but two people need to still be able to feel some spark, some desire for each other once the NRE..new relationship energy wears off after a couple months. He may love you but there is love and being in love with. I can only say love for someone can be loving all other human life, loving your best friend, loving your mom or brother...thats all valid love...and good love. But being in love with, the two coming together to create a unit a couple is something so close and special you don't find anywhere else. Having a mate you are in love with means that you and he want to spend time together doing even the simple chores together because all of life is more exciting and enjoyable simply because the other is in it. When you are apart, the both of you feel an urge to be together so great that you can't wait for the end of the work day. You find it hard to remain angry at each other for long and quickly forgive each other. You love to talk to each other, your communication is strong, you are not only best friends, but you both would do anything for the other, even just a simple task of refilling ones coffee cup. And when it comes down to lovemaking, the first thing on both of your minds is wanting to please and fulfill the others needs and to show how great your love is. That is something many people don't have because they settle for the first nice person that comes their way or first person who pays them attention. I married at 20. He seemed nice. First to ask. Turned out abusive.Next time around, I knew I could not settle for just anyone, I had to have the lover I never had with the first. I now have a wonderful new husband who is my soulmate and we are very much in love with each other. I cannot say that you should leave your husband. But do make your decision based on what is right for you...what is your heart telling you. Do not base your decision on fact that his folks have no grandkids yet. Do not even base your decision on the fact that your husband says he still loves you. But do base it on what is fair to him. Is it fair for him to have the person he loves for the rest of his life and not receive love and passion in return? Is it fair when he wants to have kids to be with a woman who has chosen not to? No, it isn't fair to him. He will not see it that way though at first...not until he finds another woman who really is in love with him and wants children right away. Then there's a chance he may actually be thanking you. I didnt have my first kid until I was 27, then one at 30 and 33 so you have plenty of time and don't have to feel pressured to have kids. If there are reasons why you lost your love for him, maybe that needs working on, by both of you. If you realize now that you never had that kind of love but only thought you had, then don't make a 2nd mistake and get back together. Only you truly know the circumstances and what is the best way to go. I hope I have given you some food for thought and perspectives to help you out.

This will be pretty long, I apologize

I am a 28 year old introvert who suffers from depression and anxiety. I am currently on medications and am seeing a counselor.

I still notice I seem to have trouble holding interest in friendships or even engaging in conversations with certain people. I am close with only certain fols in my own family and rarely socialize during family gatherings. I do not have friends but rather acquaintances who on days I enjoy talking to and on others I dred the thought of running into them. Why? I am always telling people who are interested in developing a friendship that I am not the type of person who likes to frequently hang out as I begin to feel overwhelmed and withdraw myself. I also notice I at times randomly pick an excuse to not like the person... Why?! I feel horrible but an aspect of me enjoys being alone because that's what I am used too. Ugh please help me

Some people feel happier being alone or at least just having pets for companions. Being a hermit isn't something the majority does but there are people who prefer it so it is normal and nothing bad for them. It seems that you wish you were other than that by what you wrote. Maybe your subconscious mind is reasoning that it is easier to be an introvert if you Others are what you don't have people in your life to interact and talk with so you distance yourself or push them away. It would seem your conscious mind wants to have a few close friendships and actually desires it but your subconscious mind is fighting it. It may be something that a hypnotist can help you with, to reach your subconscious and discover what fears are holding you back.
You need to discover what is the fear or the reason your subconscious sabotages any potential relationship with another person...then you will know how to overcome it. I don't know if there are self help books on the subject. What does your counselor have to say. Does he/she suggest any things for you to try? You might try asking if they could suggest a hypnotist. Because it seems to be based on some kind of feelings or emotions and suggestions to your subconscious from a hypnotist could help greatly

My daughter is starting to become obsessed with DIY. She wants to do some stuff with clothes and stuff but she only has clothes that are to small for her. She says shes really bad at cutting too. I want her to stop telling me she's bored so I want to know so fun DIY's for my 12 year old that will be cheap for my pockets!

I assume you mean other than her good clothes that fit that you wont allow experimenting with, she only has clothes that no longer fit to experiment with? If you don't have any scissors that are sharp for cutting cloth, I would suggest spending some money on a good pair at the local fabric store. If she thinks she has trouble cutting a straight line the scissors may be the problem. Try a pair that are designed to be open already with a spring in between that pops them open to ready position for the next cut when you squeeze. i got a pair for an arthritic old lady i know who loves to sew and she no longer had any trouble.

Next visit a thrift store and find out what days they have colored tag sales. Make a visit and start off with a few t shirts, extra long if possible. T shirt material when cut will curl under slightly and not unravel so any fine mistakes in lines cut won't be noticeable.
For any straight lines, she could hold a ruler against the t shirt and mark lines to cut with colored chalk so she has something to follow. Look at the tshirt idea on this site for kids.

http://www.kidzworld.com/article/5599-how-to-revamp-old-clothes

Here's another. Although I would suggest wrapping gold or silver cord instead of wire in case a wire end scratches the skin.
Mom, you can take time to look on line for all sorts of easy t shirt makeovers. Once she's tried a couple and wants to do more, see if you can get her excited to create something to sell to neighbors so she'll have a few dollars to buy more tees. My kids did this when they were younger and her age. They used smooth flat rocks from the yard or beach...ones that could be painted with acrylic paint to look like smiley faces or lady bugs or colorful beetles and they sold those at a stand or to neighbors who you could tell by the look of their yard that they enjoy gardening. My yard had some of their painted stones but they didnt want to give me some, they prefered to paint for potential customers. She could use that money to then buy more tees and experiment as she gets better with harder stuff. If she gets good enough, you might encourage her to explore doing more and wearing the designer tees over long sleeve tees underneath to school and see if it sparks an interest in the middle school girls. They may be putting in orders for her to make some for them if they aren't as creatively bent. Just encourage her. If one project doesnt work, something else will. Plus she is learning how to recycle, be thrifty, and maybe possibly how to make some money on the side.

Hello. My bf and I have been going out for almost two months. We used to talk to each other a lot and send messages back and forth on Instagram. But since summer started he has stopped texting me and responding to my Instagram comments. On the other hand, his cousin and I are really good friends. And we talk to each other everyday. I've also formed a little crush on him and he has too. Then yesterday on Instagram, his ex (who I truly hate) sent me a comment on Instagram asking if him and I were still going out. What should I do because I really love my current bf but I'm afraid he doesn't like me or has cheated on me!

When we are young and dating, the purpose is not to find the first person we can convince to be with us forever but to learn what we like and don't like in the opposite sex and you won;t learn until you have dated several people. Two months is kind of short a time in which to learn a lot that about your current boyfriend. But one thing you don't like is that he is not communicating with you. It may that he is one of the majority of guys who really dont like to type which rules out FB, textings and Instagram. Have the two of you ever talked on the cell phone? Long before there was texting, we used cell phones for actual conversation...speaking...no typing. Try that and see if he is willing to communicate. Ask on phone if he just hates typing and thats why he hasn't contacted you or if he has lost interest. Let him know its okay if he has but you want to know for sure. If you do not want to continue dating him at this point and don't want to waste the rest of your summer sitting around by yourself, then let him know you are giving him his freedom to go pursue another relationship and you are doing the same.

In all things, be honest.

Be kind and gentle when breaking up with people as you will do throughout your dating experience until you discover the one who you want for marriage or long term relationship. With summer and no school, you would think he would have been excited to have more time with you. Don't hate the other girl. She has no control over your boyfriend and who he likes or chooses any more than you do. We can not make a person do anything they dont want to and that includes no forcing of someone to love you. If the chemistry isn't there for one of you or both of you it isn't going to work.
Again I will say, be honest in whatever conversation you have, no pointing of blame, just get the facts and make your decision. If he still likes you as you do him, then have some ground rules. For example relationships need to be worked on..they dont happen by themselves so that mean you would require that you see each other a minimum of ____ times a week and talk on instagram at least ____times a week. If he doesnt have a job that takes up his time and he is free to be with you but won't commit, then something is up, let him go. If he isn't willing to be honest with you...he isn't good dating or relationship material to begin with. You need to find out soon so you can have something to tell his cousin. If you are giving the relationship a go, let the cousin know that although you enjoyed his friendship and flirting, that you want to focus only on the relationship with your boyfriend. If he is dumping you, then let the cousin know and let him know you are free now to date and would like to know if he is really interested in you more than a friend.

How can a Christian control sexual urges/desires?

I used to be with Christian churches so I know how it is. You are likely to be discouraged from masturbating too. My church was like that. Did it stop me? No. I believe most the misconception comes from the story of onan spilling his seed on the ground. The bible says God was angry about that. >There is so much that got mistranslated that you can't trust what the Bible says 100%, or it refers to something of that time period not today such as some of the laws about handling food...they had no refrigeration in those days.
I have a question for you. As a Christian, do you believe that God created you with a body that has sexual desires but didn't mean for you to enjoy them? Look at the animal kingdom? There are males and females of many species of animals and insects,etc...who only get horny when the female is ovulating and they have sex only to procreate.
Now our planet has more people than is good for it. We no longer have to procreate to beef up the human population because our civilized society is set up in ways that allow us to live longer. So if that was Gods only reason for humans to have sex, then that need is now taken away and that would mean we'd all have to be celibate, right?
If you are single, masturbate. If you have a girlfriend or wife who loves you...enjoy her. When you die and go to heaven, our souls don't have male and female as we have here. So it would be safe to assume there is no sex or lovemaking as we know it on earth. The reason you can not make the urges or desires go away is because it isn't merely a matter of will and mind over matter. Your body is naturally wired to respond even if your mind says no. We weren't meant to fight it totally, just control ourselves so we aren't raping people left and right.

Todays Drs. have been able to scientifically prove that sex is healthier than abstaining. For example, a woman who doesnt get regular sex begins to have female problems with uterus, collapsing vaginal walls, etc....and those who have regular sex do not have such problems. It is healthy emotionally because it is a great stress reliever and helps one to sleep better. So as one of Gods children, you need to decide for yourself what your Daddy in heaven has intended for you. Better yet, ask him. Tell him you want to hear it straight from him, not from the Bible or from church doctrines. You want to know for todays time, what God is okay with. Keep being persistant, He will give his answers. The reason I can live with and enjoy the freedom I do as his child is because He talks to me and tells me what is best for me and why.

i didn't had sex and the penis didn't really enter to my pussy but i am afrraide to be pregenente

If either of your hands got any precum from the penis on it and his or your hands played with your pussy, then there is a chance of being pregnant.
Best way to find out is to buy a pregnancy test. And go to dr. or planned parenthood and get on some kind of birth control. They will see you no matter what age. Don't take any chances next time. The quickest thing to kill the mood is fear of getting pregnant and you want to be able to truly enjoy sex, so get the contraceptive.

I have insurance, but I don't think insurance will pay for all the dental work I need done and I don't have the money to pay the difference. I have some major problems and I fear that it will take years for me to get them fixed unless I can get some kind of help. Does anyone know of anything I can do?

Yes, there's two possibilities. One is to look for a dentist who is low cost and will charge a % based on what you earn, and take payments from you to pay up the remainder. When I left my ex and went to stay with friends in another state, before I found a job, all I had was the money from my last paycheck and small savings from my job I quit. I called other dentists telling them I was unemployed but needed some emergency dental work. Could they recommend a dentist who was truly low cost. Some advertise that but arent. TWO had no recommendations, the 3rd one gave me a name and number because they actually refered people like me to him.
The 2nd way is to find out what Universities or dental schools are in your area and see if they will take you on as a patient. They need to get their hours in same as a medical doctor interning. Even beauty schools have taken on people as subjects for their student to gain hair cutting skills.

Can anyone think of really summery tunes. They have to sound summery, but not too obvious-like not anything with 'summer'or 'sun' in the title?

I'm doing a countdown-so already have the obvious ones!

Thanks in advance :)

You did not mention if you want to stick with just recent music artists or if older bands are ok because the first thing that came to mind for me was lots of the songs by the Beach boys. Can't think of anything else at the moment. Hope that helped.

i want to die. And after my death my parents could not see my face and My body That i want .Can u say how is it possible.

No one on this site will give you advice on how to kill yourself. Many kids these days face tremendous pressures and stress but not all decide to kill themselves. I do not know your circumstances but perhaps there is something you have not tried yet to fix your situation so that you dont feel like wanting to die. If you post another question with the specifics of what is going on to cause you to feel so hopeless, just in the chance that one of us might have a suggestion that ends up being the solution, isn't it worth a try? I don't care if you have tried umpteen things and none worked. The inventors who invented things like the light bulb and telephone tried umpteen times and failed too. They never gave up but kept trying until they succeeded. All of us have to do that with something in our lives...keep trying til we succeed.

I am 17 years old and me and my boyfriend were 'grinding' tonight on his bed. I was on top of him when i felt something wet down there and i asked him if anything had happened. he went to the bathroom and changed his underwear and shorts because he said that he had ejaculated. I was wearing cotton yoga pants and underwear and he was wearing boxers and shorts. i know i may sound uneducated but i need my worries to be put to rest. is there a possibility i may be pregnant?

Thats quite a lot of layers of clothes for sperm to get through so its highly unlikely. But if it looks like you may soon be progressing to more like mutual masturbation, then its best you get on some kind of contraceptive. Grinding is not going to be satisfactory for you both for long.
If you or he were touching his penis only when he get a couple drops of precum on the tip and then you or he used your fingers to finger you...then the sperm transfered by hand has a chance of impregnating you if you are at the ovulating time of your cycle. At your age, it is when many girls go for contraceptives. If you dont have to tell the parents, just go to see planned parenthood.

I'm 15 year old guy. I randomly started to use the restroom to poop and poop with blood i goy scared and dont knpw what tp do

If its fresh blood could be hemorrhoids . If it happened one day and then went away and you have no pain and no more blood, then I wouldn't worry.
A person can have an extremely hard and large bowel movement that can cause a little tear in the skin and you may see a couple drops of blood when you wipe yourself. That happens to me once in a while. It is sore for a bit but heals fine on its own.
If you are seeing this every day and its more than a drop or two of blood, I know its embarassing but the best thing is to see the family doctor immediately.

Okay so, My boyfriend will be turning 16 years old in a week, We've been together for 3 1/2 months and i really don't know what to get him, I'm also 16. I really can't get anything expensive because i don't have a job, and don't have much money, so it has to be something I can afford. Any advice on what to get a guy for his 16th birthday ? Please And thank you.

It all depends on how well you know him and his likes and favorites. You know how some gals will collect anything to do with cats, or dragonflies or their favorite singer or actor. Does he have a hobby, like rollerskating? For example, if that were it, you can get a roller skate key ring, dollar stores are good bets for key rings with something for everybodys favorite thing. Does he have a favorite singer or band, and is there an album of theirs he doesn t have yet. Enlist the help of his family to provide you with the names of albums he already has so you can be sure not to duplicate. Does he wear baseball hats? Does he have a favorite color, get one in his favorite color.
Or maybe, give him a card that says you are treating him out to a movie of his choice. It won't be something he has to look at again like a hat but it will still be meaningful.

its been like a month my ex stopped talking to me, suddenly he stops, we used to talk once in a while and have long conversations and then all of a sudden when i used to say hi he would be cold lol :S , like i rather have him telling me he dont wanna talk to me instead of making me think whether i've done something wrong..
But seriously he didn't even bother wishing me happy birthday a week ago, the same way i did to him when it was his bday.. i just dont get why he would stop talking lol :/

While it's nice that you wanted to part as friends, I have no idea what the reasons were in you breaking up. An ex boyfriend or husband is no longer in your life. That means you need to move on. Talking to someone in your past and trying to do so daily or every other day is not normal. It means you are trying to fill some need you have and trying to continue to use him to do so. You need to take some time and think about it, ask yourself why, why do you need to hear from him? I don't remember the birthdays of any of my past boyfriends. So to put your mind at rest, it isn't that you have said anything wrong, it's the fact that you are trying so hard to talk at all. He knows if he acts friendly, it would encourage you more...so he acts coldly hoping that will discourage you from contacting him but it doesn't so he is confused. I would be too.
If half the time, he is the one who made first contact, when then apparently he finally came to his senses. If you weren't right enough for each other to keep from breaking up, then it's best that neither one of you talk to each other. Once you have moved on, it's okay to send a facebook message once every other month and let the friend know whats new in your life and ask how they are... just the basics to keep in touch. If they don't respond, then don't worry about it. And stop putting effort into trying to get a response back.

When i said something rude to a friend i thought about my bad behaviour and wanted more than anything to take it all back. I guess sometimes we all make mistakes. Boy, this is a big one. I am 58 and she is around my age. I just feel stupid. Any help please. Roger

You need to be able to figure yourself out before you simply say I am sorry, I wish I could take it back. While its nice to hear an apology....if the other person can not be explained to in detail what was going on in your mind to get you to react as you did, then it will be harder to empathise and not worry about it happening again.

You have your conscious mind and your subconscious mind. Your sub is the one who has control of all your emotions and is like the inner child in you...in good ways and in bad. You know how a little kid mad at the rules parents enforced will blurt out, I hate you! Do they really hate the parents? No. They are angry they did not get what they wanted. Once they have recovered, its a good time for the parent to talk to the child. You explain how you are teaching them something that is important, a skill they will need to learn to get along in school in life with everyone else. That doesn't mean life can't still be fun. If they can agree to really go by the game plan, you will give them something special every once in a while they really like.

So here, it is your conscious mind asking yourself, or your subconscious, why it reacted as it did and said something rude. Maybe you are fighting yourself. Maybe your conscious mind really likes your friend but your subconscious does not like her. I'm not saying its that but it could be as simple as that. Keep asking yourself, is it because of this, because of that. When you ask the right question, your subconscious will provide the answer, it will pop into your head.
Adults can say & do things like this that make them feel stupid because we reason, we are adults, we should know better. So many of us don't know and won't know until a basic outline of psychology is taught to all high school students to prepare them for adult life. If we can all come to understand our subconscious minds like the other you inside of you, like a separate personality and treat it as such, with concerns for its feelings, and welfare, then there would be more happy adults.

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>