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Confused, need help, its urgent
Hi everyone ..
Im 24 married for 2 years, don't have any children, im married to this wonderful guy,recently his brother has passed away, and he's the only chance that his parents would have grandchilds, the problem is that im not ready for the responsebilty,im not ready having a kid, im not sure if I ever gonna want one because of the presure,, and the other thing that im not in love with him im not happy with him maybe because I married him soon, he was my first and we got married...so I took a decision I left him and now im in my parents house, we're thinking abt divorce, the thing is that im not getting at any conclusion, I mean he's in love with me he cares abt me ..are those reasons enough to me getting back to him?? I feel that I don't deserve them in a way..I don't know what to do ..should I leave him or otherwise. ..
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If he was your first and you did not get a chance to date around to discover what you did and didn't like in a guy, then you never had a chance to really know if he was the best for you. Since you have discovered you do not love him, obviously he was not the one for you. He may be a truly wonderful person but two people need to still be able to feel some spark, some desire for each other once the NRE..new relationship energy wears off after a couple months. He may love you but there is love and being in love with. I can only say love for someone can be loving all other human life, loving your best friend, loving your mom or brother...thats all valid love...and good love. But being in love with, the two coming together to create a unit a couple is something so close and special you don't find anywhere else. Having a mate you are in love with means that you and he want to spend time together doing even the simple chores together because all of life is more exciting and enjoyable simply because the other is in it. When you are apart, the both of you feel an urge to be together so great that you can't wait for the end of the work day. You find it hard to remain angry at each other for long and quickly forgive each other. You love to talk to each other, your communication is strong, you are not only best friends, but you both would do anything for the other, even just a simple task of refilling ones coffee cup. And when it comes down to lovemaking, the first thing on both of your minds is wanting to please and fulfill the others needs and to show how great your love is. That is something many people don't have because they settle for the first nice person that comes their way or first person who pays them attention. I married at 20. He seemed nice. First to ask. Turned out abusive.Next time around, I knew I could not settle for just anyone, I had to have the lover I never had with the first. I now have a wonderful new husband who is my soulmate and we are very much in love with each other. I cannot say that you should leave your husband. But do make your decision based on what is right for you...what is your heart telling you. Do not base your decision on fact that his folks have no grandkids yet. Do not even base your decision on the fact that your husband says he still loves you. But do base it on what is fair to him. Is it fair for him to have the person he loves for the rest of his life and not receive love and passion in return? Is it fair when he wants to have kids to be with a woman who has chosen not to? No, it isn't fair to him. He will not see it that way though at first...not until he finds another woman who really is in love with him and wants children right away. Then there's a chance he may actually be thanking you. I didnt have my first kid until I was 27, then one at 30 and 33 so you have plenty of time and don't have to feel pressured to have kids. If there are reasons why you lost your love for him, maybe that needs working on, by both of you. If you realize now that you never had that kind of love but only thought you had, then don't make a 2nd mistake and get back together. Only you truly know the circumstances and what is the best way to go. I hope I have given you some food for thought and perspectives to help you out.
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I do not think any of us can really tell you if you should or should not get back together with your husband. If I read into what you wrote the best advise I can off is the following.
Undoubtedly one of the biggest responsibilities of marriage is children. This question is something that should be discussed long before the two of you take the walk down the isle to begin your marriage. You say your not ready or sure if you want children. There is nothing wrong with that. Some women just do not have that maternal instinct or need.
You also said he was your first, you married too soon. These two reasons are very much at the top of the list as to why marriages fail. You also a say that he loves you and cares for you. You ask are these reason enough to go back to him. They could be if there is any love left for him in you. The fact that you feel you don't deserve them puts that in question.
One of the hardest thing in a marriage is communication. Many times people marry because the sex is great. Then one day they wake up and they need to talk to each other and can't. This is when those marriages start to fail for the lack of communication. Could this be another of your problems; a lack of the ability to truly communicate with each other?
Since I see you as being two-thirds of the way to the divorce court. ou have nothing to loose by trying marriage counseling. The fact that you cannot come to a conclusion yourself tells me there may be some small spark left in you for him.
Marriage counseling will help open the door to communicating with each other. You can then discus what I believe is the biggest pressure on you; children. This is something that is or should be discussed between you and your husband. Outside pressure from your parents or in-laws has no place or bearing on these discussions.
It is my belief that if it is possible for you and your husband to come to a unified decision on the biggest problem. Any of the smaller problems will either resolve themselves or fade away.
I hope I have helped.
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