Dragonflymagic's advice column

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I don’t even know where to begin writing this but I’ve been a complete mess for the past 3 months and need to do something.

In July, my nearly two-year relationship ended with the man that I whole-heartedly thought could be the one. When I say that, I should also mention that I am not a person that believes there is a “one” for anyone, but he was my one. We met in school; we were in the same major at a large university and transferred at the same time. We quickly became very close friends. I didn’t want a relationship at all, and wanted to focus on school, but after 3 months of being friends he basically gave me and ultimatum saying he couldn’t be friends with me because he felt so strongly about me—and I did too I was just afraid, so I agreed to date him for a week and “see how it went”. Well, it lasted almost two years and was the best relationship I could have asked for. I love him with everything and he is my best friend in the entire world.

We had to end things not because they were bad in any way but because we had both decided to take a year off before going to grad school, and while I chose to fill my gap year pursuing a minor at the same university, he chose to graduate. Of course, when he graduated he moved back home (which I should mention is 1200 miles away). I don’t think either of us wanted to end the relationship, so we left it with “we’re on a break”, but I don’t want to be on a break. I don’t want it all. I miss him every second of every day and I can’t talk to anybody about it because he’s the person I talk to when I’m upset. He’s my best friend, and when I talk to him about how much I miss him and how I cry literally ALL the time, it just makes him feel guilty which I don’t really want to do.

The problem is, that it doesn’t feel like we’re just on a break, it feels like we’re done. I think he is just trying to distance himself, but it hurts me so bad that he doesn’t want to be together. Part of me hates him for not staying here, but I know how stupid that is because this isn’t his home. How can I forgive him for not staying? I wish he would have wanted to fight to make it work. I know I can’t make someone want to do anything but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell when they don’t want you.

How can I stop missing him? I don’t have friends to talk to, he was my only close friend. I don’t have anyone to hang out with to distract myself because all of my friends graduated with him. I have no one. He was my one, and I don’t know how to cope without him here. I don’t know how to live without him. I’m alone all the time and every time I am I break down and cry. I cry so much I can’t get my work done. I cry so much I can’t sleep. I cry so much I hyperventilate. I don’t know what to do. I feel broken. I feel like he broke me. I want to move on and stop feeling like he stole something from me. I want to stop fantasizing about what could have been if he stayed. I just don’t want to miss him anymore.

Please help me.

I have one daughter who has had 3 breakups with guys, each one left her. the first became disinterested, the 2nd had not got over a previous love, the 3rd played the distance thing for too long and eventually decided she was not the one to be with for life. I have seen how she suffered the hurt and rejection. In your case, you don't know that will happen to you. It feels that way cus you're apart but you are jumping to conclusions because of a bigger problem you have.

I don't know what his problems might be, but I picked up on one you may have, I could be wrong, but it would be wrong of me to not bring this up if it were true.
It takes two individuals who are strong on their own and really love themselves and their own company, for a relationship to work smoothly. If one of the individuals were weaker than the other, they become too dependant on the other for everything, for company, entertainment, for love, for purpose in life, etc... the list literally goes on and on. It's called a dependant relationship. I understand friends moving as they graduated, that sucks for you but those were new friends at one point that you made a few years back, you can make new friends again. There is no guarantee that all friends will always be in your life, they cycle into and back out of your life, thats part of what life is like.
You could be depressed if you can't sleep or dont want to eat, but that would be if he dumped you, which he didn't. That I could understand and I have great tips for helping with depression. But i am not sharing those today because I sense it's not depression due to loss that is at the root here. Since he's the ONLY person that gave you any balance in life like when upset, or he is the one who gave you happiness, since he's not close by, you don't feel like a whole person anymore, like half of you is missing right?
Well, there's the problem. That saying about two people being two halves that become a whole is a bunch of balony. It works in math but doesnt in relationships. People refer to their mate as their better half. The problem is that if you are half a person to begin with and not a whole totally independant strong person who loves yourself, is self assured, then when you go into a relationship with someone, you will begin to draw on them to complete yourself into a whole.
If he was also a half person, then you taking his half means, he has nothing left, which essentially means he ends up in the same place as you, mutually dependant on each other for sense of worth and purpose in life.
If he was a strong whole person, he may not know whats happening, but any time in life he comes into contact with a person who is not whole in themselves, whether a business partner or a love partner, it takes two wholes carrying the load of responsibilities of the relationship, both putting in maximum effort to make it work and be healthy. All he can feel is drained and tired if he's the only strong one and you lean on him for everything to feel whole. So there is a possibility that IF this is the case with you, you could end up driving one after another person away from you, not just guys but friends, co workers.... In my case, I was the stronger one, the ex didnt lean on me totally but I can assure you it was draining...I actually became physcially ill a lot becuase of it. Now that I am away from him and remarried, I am more vibrant and healthy than Ive ever been.
Either way, your need to get your subconscious mind to stop this negative downward spiral. I would suggest looking on the net for a life coach in your area. If you aren't willing to do that, then perhaps first trying to deal with the emotional stuff from your subconscious. Hypnotherapists work with your subconscious, making suggestions to it to help get over fears and other issues like your own. But if money is an issue, you can always try EFT tapping. (Emotional freedom technique) I have a favorite person I listen to on you tube and can give you the link if youre interested, let me know.There are eft experts you can meet with to get a more personalized, more straight to the actual issues treatments. Once you have begun to deal with the negative thought patterns running in the background from your subconscious, you will then find it extremely easy to become a whole person and actually have and enjoy a life of your own. Any adding of friends or a love partner in your life will be only because you are a social person wanting to interact with others so that you can bless them and as a result be blessed in return.
I truly want to see you find a way out dear. Not trying to make you out to sound like a big problem. Many of us have been there in some way shape or form, so I understand. Blessings to you.