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In Love but Doubting Myself
So I am a freshman in college, and my boyfriend, Matt, is also a freshman at the same college. We started "talking" at the beginning of our senior year. He wanted to make it official pretty early on but I was still hung up on the last guy, Parker, I was with.
The last guy I was with I had been best friends with for four years. The last two years of our friendship we started hooking up (never sex) and it just made everything more complicated. He basically saw me as just an easy hook up. At least thats what I feel like. He told me once that he cared about me as more than a friend but that he didn't want to do anything about it. For my entire junior year, his senior year, we hooked up secretly. I told myself I could handle it, and not get hurt, but I ended up getting hurt when I found out we were truly never ever going to be anything more. I don't want you to think it was all about the hooking up. This guy was my BEST friend, my rock, the one person I could trust to tell anything to. But when we started hooking up that year he started treating me differently. He would be extremely degrading and mean and I didn't do anything about it for the longest time. He's the grade above me so when he first went to college (the college I am now going to which is 5 minutes from my house) we would hook up in his dorm. I told myself that I could do this friends with benefits thing and not get hurt. Truth be told, I just wanted to be around him. But when I told him I was talking to Parker, and didn't want to hang out, he wouldn't let the matter drop and would keep texting me. I would always cave and come see him or let him come over. I never told Matt because we weren't exclusive and I told him I wasn't ready for a boyfriend but I still had feelings for him and we were starting to get closer. When I finally decided to stop hooking up with Parker and focus on Matt, Parker didn't take it seriously. He kept asking almost every weekend to see me. After awhile he stopped asking and stopped texting me at all. THis was in the middle of my senior year and we haven't really been close since then, so its been about a year. It was hard because I was basically in love with Parker. For years. And we had never made anything official or public and I think that still bothers me to this day. Parker and I have a magnetic connection. We can not talk for months and as soon as you put us in the same room we are just drawn to each other. For example, last weekend we hung out in a small group for the first time in almost six months and I could just feel myself needing to be near him. And he texted me that night saying the same thing.
But I forgot to mention how serious I had gotten with Matt over this time. I had the worst year of my life last year and went through things that I thought would break me. Matt was there for me through all of it, holding my hand, making me feel better. He is truly one of the best people on this earth. He treats me better than I ever imagined a guy could. So why do I feel drawn to Parker? When Parker has done nothing but hurt me? There's a fire when I think about Parker, and with Matt its a slow burn. I know Parker is wrong for me because both of us are worse people when we're together. He found out I lost my virginity to Matt and when he asked me about it, it looked like it killed him. (We had always talked about how we would lose it to each other, even though I think he already has too). It's these little things, and the way he looks at me that makes me think he cares. He is insanely protective of me whenever hes around me, at parties etc, but he's still a degrading asshole. Matt thinks I can do anything I set my mind to, and Parker laughs in my face when I tell him things like that. I know Matt is good for me so why do I want Parker... Can anyone please help me sort out all of these feelings??? Anything will help.
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I know where you're coming from.
I used to hook up with a guy who I was crazy about but decided to only keep it at friends with benefits because he didn't want anything serious. Then I ended up dating an awesome guy and the guy I was hooking up with hated it and felt the same way your hook up man felt. He was protective of me, he wanted me to not hook up with anyone else except for him but couldn't commit.
Anyways, you already know he's no good for you. Lots of people have those types of people in their life. You just need to cut him out of your life. You need to move on because he won't be coming around to be more serious with you.
As for Matt, I'm not sure where to guide you. If you have feelings for him and really want to be with him, then do it. If the feelings for Parker are getting in the way of your feelings for Matt, then don't stay with Matt. Give yourself some time to move on. Matt deserves at least that.
But don't continue talking to Parker. You're just gonna end up messing around with him again. You might want to just be around him and feel wanted by him, but it's not worth it.
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Its looks clear to me that Parker is not right for you and neither is Matt.
You stay with Matt out of a feeling of guilt because "he's been there for you", theres a feeling like you owe him something in return. From the movie, Pay it forward, the one we get to do something special for may not be, and usually is not the person who first did something special for us. Some day, you will get a chance to "be there for and encourage someone else going through a rough time, thats how "paying it forward works."
It is good that you noticed the 'fire' with Parker, and something much weaker with Matt, because it doesnt occur to a lot of people.
Two important foundations for a relationship are friendship and sex. Under friendship is love, upholding and supporting the person, that sort of stuff. Under sex, is sexual compatibility, same type of libido, (some have less need for sex and others more often.) or way too different fetishes and likes in sex. Also, some have sexual chemistry...and others do not. There is nothing that can be done to make two people compatible and neither one should be trying to change who they are to fit the partner.
You sound very mature and have figured it all out. The qualities that Matt has is what you should be looking for. Few gals who write me even realize what they should be looking for. The draw to Parker was just the sexual sizzle. The insanely protective thing is actually a very controlling type of trait and could get worse over time. Definitely dont ever go with anyone who comes near to being like Parker.
What you are looking for is a blend of someone you had the sexual connection with, with Parker but you are treated like a Princess like with Matt. It sucks that you don't have that with Matt. There are many who stay together in long term relationships or marriages, and eventually one or the other or both snap sexually and cheat on eaach other or split or divorce and hurt each other deeply. Though Matt may be hurt by you explaining how you feel and leaving him as a partner, but wanting to remain friends, it is better than stringing it along for a life time and then coming to the same conclusion after many years and maybe kids too.
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