about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

okay. this is kinda long. So i am a 15 going on 16 sophmmore in high school. I have had this crush on my guy friend (lets call him AM) since september of last year. Him and i are very close friends. He helped me through my breakups, i helped him through his, we text nearly everyday and him and i can be open to each other about family problems and depression and he is the only one who knows i cut. Him and i dated for a day back in november but broke up because he felt like he rushed and i understood. Him and i talk romantically on and off ever since then. We say "i love you" to each other, we hug each other. Lately though, he has been doing some things with me that are kind of not normal. Like on my birthday (april
14th) he gave me a hug from the back and then he looked me in the eyes and said "i love you" and i said it back. Then after that, he sat me down on thee pavillion table and he put his arms around my waist and he put his head on my shoulder and we did that until the bell rang (people were around when we sid this). Him and i never kissed before but that all changed when on wednesday he told me to come kiss him in the morning behind the buses by his car. So i went and him and i met up and he didn't kiss me on the lips once but twice. I couldnt even believe it. After that he said "i bet that made your day didn't it" and i said "yeah" then he said he liked M and i said i liked a different guy but deep down i like A. Does he like me and i just do not know? what do i do?

I support what Karen said, time to have a good talk. this means being truthful dear, its not a weakness to tell him the whole truth either.

Before I continue about you, i want to say that the most healthy couple relationships have two things, the romance part and the attraction there and also being best of friends.

He sounds like he's wanted to be more than friends for some time and finally got the courage to kiss you. It shows even more courage and how much he wanted to when there where others around who might witness this but wasn't scared to be seen like that with you, actually proud instead.

When he said he liked you, did you leave out anything in your story to us. Hopefully you told him that you like him too. But what I read was your answer being that you liked saomeone else. If you really said that, why? Do yoou feel you're not worthy of having a boyfriend? Or afraid of entering that dating realm? I ask because if I were him and you said , it would break my heart to have these feelings for so long and have you act like you like me in return but not have the guts to say so. I would not be willing to try any longer with a girl who said she likes another guy but be hesitant because her actions say the opposite. In the end, if a bold enough girl came along paying attention to AM, he might just give up on you and begin dating her thinking it wont bother you since you basically professed to not have those kinds of romantic feelings for him as well.
So, are you trying to push him away?
If your only reason for acting like this is that you're not sure if he likes you, then that sounds lame and would to most but I understand first time love, it can be scary but rewarding too and I am sure you dont want to lose him to another girl.
So to help you understand that he's crazy about you, lets play a game. I want you to think of a guy you find boring, repulsive and want nothing to do with. Now imagine yourself approaching that guy and being, doing, saying everything that AM does with you. Would you even do this on a dare from friends and do so for months on end? I'll bet you wouldn't, you couldn' fake wanting to kiss him and say I love you to him all the time if you feared he might take you seriously which of course he would because of all the things you do are thing a person does with someone they are attracted to not someone they want to avoid a relationship with.
If you are wondering if the only thing he wants from you is sex, then My guess is that conclusion is wrong. A guy bent on getting what he wants sexually will pretend to love a girl but is much bolder and will have tried kissing and touching you in private places long before now as that urge is very strong and they dont want to put in this much effort to get just that only.
He's been a listening ear, supportive, is good at keeping in touch and pretty open so far about sharing sentiments like I love you. He could have meant love as in loving you as a friend or a sister but when he kissed you, nope thats reserved for the other love, the romantic one, the one where he wants only you for a girlfriend and wont pressure yu, will wait thru all your dating and interest in other guys and hope that one day you actually really want only him as your boyfriend. I am pretty sure of this but this is why you have to have a good long private talk. And not on the phone if possible. Something like this needs seeing the truth in what each of you say, reflected in your eyes. I would get on this and sharing the Truth and when you don't understand what he means when he phrases words a certain way, then ASK him what he meant by that. Ask he to clarify or even better, pose it as a question with two examples of how you interpet it, "Did you mean you like me as a best friend or when you say I love you, do you mean that as being in love with me and wanting me to be your girlfriend?". Too many misinterpretations, and lost opportunity in dating or even marrying a person happen because we second guess too much and dont just ask questions.
'


[view]

17/f I've been depressed since I was about 13 and it has gotten better and worse at times but I've never actually felt good about myself or happy for a good period of time. I went to the psychiatrist last year and she told me I had major depression and anxiety disorder and wanted to put me on meds but my mom told me I didn't have depression and was fine and just never took me back. I have been going to a therapist for about four years now and I think that had been the one thing that has helped me the most through this. Recently though she stopped letting me go and the last time I went was in December and i really needed to go more than ever around then because me and my boyfriend of a year broke up and I was devastated and got even more depressed and my mom knew and just wouldn't take me back even though I still talk to my therapist on the phone I need to go back and see her in person because that was and is still hard for me to deal with on top of other stuff. I went to another doctor for a checkup for my thyroid and she told my mom bc I'm always tired and am depressed that I really should be going especially because I'm asking for help. Not only should I be in therapy but I should be on medication because I've told my mom that I've cut myself numerous times and have been suicidal and she just doesn't care she tells me your not depressed and your not going to therapy or going on meds. She thinks there's nothing wrong when there clearly is. I was so angry about the fact that she refused to do anything about it I cut and my friend got me and let me stay at her house and offered to take me to the hospital because I was so depressed but I didn't end up going. I think going to therapy and being on meds would help tremendously but my mom doesn't even think I Have depression or am depressed for whatever her reason is it's obviously not true because I think I would know and I have been for years. She has no intention of getting me any help whatsoever even though she knows that I've cut and have been suicial she thinks I'm just overacting. I literally just don't even know what to do anymore because she doesn't seem to care or want to do anything for me at all. I don't want to wait till I'm 18 to do anything cause that's another 8 months and I don't wanna wait till then. She just makes everything so much more difficult and she doesn't listen to anything I have to say I could cut myself till I bleed and she would still not be worried or do anything which makes me want to cut even more. My parents are also divorced and even if my mom daid okay to medication I would need my dad to sign and he won't cause we tried last year and he wouldn't even do that so I honestly just feel like nothing will change. I don't know what she wants me to do to prove I'm actually depressed

I know, that some laws are changing so that parents no longer have a right to withhold immunizations from their child, I would hope there's one about withholding permission for medical help for you whatever their reasons. While I'm not a high advocate for running to Drs first unless an emergency and prefer natural means of treating minor things, what you have is not something you can get by without medical intervention. While not always 100% perfect, scientists have created a synthetic versionn of the 'feel good hormones' your body is unable to produce on its own. That is something that needs help. You will need to talk to a school counselor and let them know you've battled depression for 4 years now and both parents have refused to allow you to be treated by medication and recently you were no longer allowed to get counseling anymore. Let the counselor know that you cut yourself and are thinking about suicide and just can't wait another 8 months until you're legally an adult to get your own treatment, you need it now or you'll probably kill yourself. A counselor cant ignore this and should put you in touch with agencies that can help. A call to CPS, Child protection services can give you a good idea if you have a right as a minor to be treated for something that could be potentionaly life threatening. Medical community takes depression very seriously. I am not a lawyer so I dont know the basic laws governing proper care of minor children but CPS would have an idea if theres a case here to over-ride your parents wishes as the law is beginning to do regarding parents withholding immunizations from child.
This is close to my child as I had a teen who was depressed at age 17 but there were no signs and she refused to tell me. I was an active caring parents always finding time to talk to each child and ask them how things were going and they felt comfortable knowing they could tell me everything, and they did, everything except this one thing in her case. I wish I knew so I could have taken her for help. I wish you the best dear. If I was your mom, you'd have had the medical care for years now. Good luck.

[view]

i know its kinda confusing in the subject for y'all, but heres what happened:
so one summer, one of my classmate said he likes me. so i was like cccooool since it was like the first time someone confessed to me lol (i was like 13) at that moment, i dont have much feelings for him, but i still wanted to chat with someone. then we chatted everyday via FB instead of in school becuz friends of us will laugh/tease us. i didnt tell anyone but they will spread rumour of us. it was all cool until the summer ends, he stopped talking to me. our last text was me saying "hi". it was left at seen but as i said before, i have no special feelings towards him but as the days passes by i think i liked him. so it was quite painful for me when he just ignored me like that. i always thought that one day he would talk to me again, but that never happened. so 2 years passed, i dont feel painful anymore but i still want him as a friend. should i chat with him via text again or should i drop it? its been a few years already it would be awkward.

In 2 years, he's had a chance to grow up some and become less caring of teasing and comments from peers. If you want to start talking again and be on friendly terms, then you could ease towards that to test the waters first by smiling at him when you see him and see if he smiles back. A smile is a sign that says it is okay to approach me, I'm friendly. Then greet him using his name. If he responds, then go ahead and start chatting.

[view]

So my mom refuses to now let me go to prom because of one incident, or mistake that i have done. I am 18 years old, and i decided to get my nipples pierced just because I've been wanting to get it for a long time...my mother is very strict and is christian, so she is against all types of piercing, tatoos etc. So she found out, and bans me from going to prom, and the last day to pay for the ticket is in a week. I already bought my shoes (which was very expensive ) and i got my dress, well sort of. Is there any way that i can convince her to let me go? U have been planning out prom for as long as i can remember, and now all of my dreams are crushed...please help me, i need to convince her to let me go, but she wants to be in control of my life forever...

If you decided to get the piercing while you were 18, not before, then you had the right as an adult to do so. If you are financing your attending prom and your dress and don't need the parents to pitch in, then it comes down to a matter of your wishes as an adult versus theirs.

I understand the views of the other advice person in that while under a parents roof, you must abide by certain rules, their house rules for you while living with them.
However, how one interprets what a parents house rules can apply to with an 18 yr old or older child still living at home is up to various interpretations, just like the bible. You'll need to decide how you interpret the situation and act according to your beliefs.

So here's another way to look at it. A parent has a right to make rules that personally affect them and any others living under their roof and can say who is welcome in their house and who is not. Anything that you wish to choose on that does not directly affect them, they have no right to give a yes or no or make a rule or try to enforce it.

For example sake to be clear, here's things that would affect the household: you bringing a boyfriend in the house they've asked you not to, playing music loud late at night, expecting you to continue to do chores as a member of the house and cleaning up after yourself, paying for any food you use and giving something to them to offset the water or electric bill. Once you are 18, remember, they are no longer required by law to provide for you shelter, clothes, food. So you can not continue to ask them to buy you things, even a prom dress. Although it would be nice if they did but its not required.

As long as they are from now on not financially providing for you in some way, financing your college, providing free rent, buying you things, you are obligated to follow their wishes. So for example, if paying your own way, to college, they can't tell you where to go to college. Any personal choices of what foods you eat, whom you associate with outside of the house, how you dress and adorn yourself and what you believe are all personal choices and may not meet the standards they had for you while you were growing up but as an adult, these are your choices. You have a right to go to prom if you are financing the whole thing as an adult.
I know of 23, 24 yr olds in college or now working and still at home for financial reasons and pay a small rent to parents but they forbid who their adult child can see, where they go and continue to interfere in every little thing and they keep saying they are forbidden to do something. Yeah it sucks when parents cant make that transition to having adult children. Its hard on them too. But if you allow them to continue to have a say over you in personal matters, it will train them to do so even more.

Due to their beliefs, they can and will have a right to tell you to move out if they get angry enough with you going to prom. But remember this is way bigger than just going to Prom. You need to have a talk.
Thank them for raising you with the beliefs they taught. But remind them that at 18, you are an adult and while you respect them and their home, this is a personal choice that does not affect them or the home and you believe that they can no longer put you on restrictions for doing something that you have a right to do, even if it differs from what they think is right. They have more experience in the world than you and so they may find many of your choices to not be up to snuff but it is up to you to determine what choices and learn from them. Something like this is a good way to let them know you intend to go to prom and are not expecting them to pay or will pay them back for anything they've spent on it already. Borrow a dress from someone if you have to to be able to afford going.

But be prepared, they may throw the adult version of a tantrum and tell you to move out. You may want to start thinking about if this is a time you're ready to do so and if so, who you'd ask to live with and how you'd do it.

[view]

So like y'all might think I'm the craziest b*tch here, but I did this protection ritual and meditation and I focused on the flame like the lady said. And in the flame, I saw a bluish Jesus with him spreading his arms out. Then I looked toward my dresser and I saw his shadow.

Do you think he could be my guide? If you do, what should I say/do on my next meditation?

when it comes to anything of the Spiritual realm, be forewarned that there are mostly good spirits who work on behalf of the Creator of our universe and all the galaxies, etc. There is also Lucifer, a fallen angel and those who sided with him and while portrayed as ugly in movies and such which for the most part they truly probably are, they have enough power to make themselves look either very beautiful, very safe or look like someone you would trust like a loved one who passed on or a good angel or Jesus.
I tend to believe that Jesus has a creator, heavenly father, but that like his father, he learned to create and our universe and planet and us humans are just one of his creations so he's our Creator. And I know of someone who saw Jesus as a child. SHes an adopted sister who is Psychic. She hasn't seen Jesus since then but she see's angels all the time, see's mine and she also see's spirit guides. From what I understand from her and both my own experiences, a spirit guide is not Jesus or angels. I used to not believe in spirit guides until I met one of mine. Like you, I had a vision in my mind so clear that tho awake on massage table with acupuncture needles in my back, I lifted my head to look at the spot where I thought I saw him. I still have him in perfect detail in my mind and that was about 10 years ago. Some can see with mortal eyes but many learn how to use their inner eyes, and other senses. If you talk to anything you sense or actually see, you may hear back with your mortal ears or telepathically as most seem to do, in your head. By time I had seen my guide, i hadd a past in church where during worship time while I was in back of church, i had eyes closed and saw a vision of Jesus just appear before me and hold out a hand asking if he might have this dance with me. I had been dancing to worship music. I was flabbergasted, Some being as important as Jesus wanted to dance with me? Yes, its an aweinspiring experience. But as I was taught during my church days, it is important to learn to know a person or even a spirit by its fruit. A good spirt always acts as a child of, creation of or emissary of God, and will never do or suggest anything to you that is evil. In fact, there should be no 'telling you what to do, choices are entirely yours to make in your life. They can be advisors and give you information so you are better informed to make a better decision on your own, but actually lead you to or command you to do things that are not important for your own spiritual growth, do not reflect the ways of our Creator, no...they can't do it. THEY can pretend in the beginning but eventually the real character shows through. So don't assume anything until you've given this a chance. Since it was a protection ritual, I highly doubt anything of evil intent got through. But its not a bad thing to be cautious. So if you ever have more questions to bounce off someone, look up my column and write directly to me from there. I would tend to believe that what you saw was Jesus. While spirits don't actually have a human form anymore, they're a mass of glowing energy with different colored lights depending on their age and experience, a spirit will show itself to you in a human form that you can easily recognize. So if you know what generally the Jesus of old paintings and that churches promote today looks like, most likely it was Jesus. Now the question is as to why you saw him. It may be that you are at a point in life when the spiritual side of you is going to really grow leaps and bounds. That i thought was happening to me in my church days. I outgrew the limitations of church belief and walk my own spiritual path, lead by the Holy Spirit which to me is the Goddess as some beliefs have. And I have learned some of the practices of pagan and witch rituals, the good pure stuff, not any of the dark side. And rituals and spells are but a way for humans to help focus their intent and the strong intent of their mind makes the rest happen. You are seeing before hearing, so thats tough. I do all my communicating telepathically. I think my thoughts and get answers back in my mind that I know sound like my voice in my head but are not. This is a muscle you need to develop like any other. it's like having a ham radio that can send messages but not receive any back in return for a while until you've finally tuned in to it.
So the must do thing here is to practice talking to Jesus in your head right now. Do it every day. talk to him as if talking to a friend. telling him how you feel and how you want to know if he has anything special for you to do. Mentioning your needs is fine, but its not a relationship if all you do is go to him with a wish list or a 'honey do' list god style.
I want you not to think its just the meditation that makes it happen, it should be an everyday or very often thing in many different circumstances. Don't put Jesus in a box by expecting that the only way you'll see him or even just sense or hear him is in a meditation ritual. If the only place your mom as she raised you would interact with you was in your bedroom but you never saw her in the kithen or anywhere else in the house or outdoors ever in your life, that would be an odd relationship, wouldn't you think?

So here's a way to protect yourself. Imagine a giant clear bubble of protection around you. Visualize soap bubbles but much bigger and they glow with energy from god or your angels, so it can look however you picture it, sparkly like glitter, iridesent or bright glowing whiteish or ny other color. THIS you do first. then once you've thought it into place. Ask Jesus if it was really Himself showing up in the flame and in the shadow in the room. YOu let him know that you only want to be associated with Him and other of his created spiritual beings that are working for him, not against him. If you want to learn more and grow more in this area, say so and promise to talk to him every day and ask that he helps your mind learn how to hear him back and one day you will, maybe as you're least expecting it while busy concentrating on something else. God does that to me all the time. So do my spirit guides. Angels are more for protection and spirit guides are humans souls who have progressed enough to earn the job of being someones spirit guide as they like Jesus can understand what the nitty gritty of living a human existance is like whereas the angels can't. I can't say an odd angel never incarnated into a human body but its not ever spoken of in any books I've read as being a normal practice. I am just rambling on here if I continue. Just keep practicing and you'll eventually hear something back. like I said, specific experiences like this to bounce off someone, you can write me again.

[view]

I'm a 15 year old girl and I'm having your average teenage live crisis, though mine is a bit more.... complex than most so try to pay attention to the whole story. Thanks in advance! Here we go: Ever since I was a baby, my family has moved around because of my dad's job (no we're not a military family); we've moved at least 7 times. Eventually, we settled down in Kansas for a few years. We stayed there from the time I was 9 or 10 to when I was 13, so I got really use to it. There was this boy that I liked as soon as we moved there when I was still in the fourth grade. We were really close until sixth grade, and even after that we were still pretty good friends. I still liked him even when we left Kansas to go to Nevada. So here I am in Nevada, and we've been here for a year and a half. When we first came here I thought about him a lot, but eventually I busied myself with unpacking, settling in, and the new boys here in Nevada and brushed him to the side. After we'd been here for about half a year, I started dating a guy named Kyle, but I dumped him because it didn't feel right because he was you-know-who. For the next ten months I was able to keep Jarrett (that's the boy from Kansas's name by the way) out of my mind, but now he's clouding my thoughts again. How do I get this boy out of my mind? I like (love?) him a lot, but we can never be together, so I need to get over it.

this is an example of how powerful our mind is. It can create a reality using your emotions from very little input. Now older, you understand a lot of what dating and a relationship needs to be good for both people. And you are not the exact same person you were in 4th grade for example. During older child and teen years, kids do an amazing amount of growing up and maturing but in reality, the mind is the last thing to fully come to adult maturity and be completely done growing at our mid twenties. However even so, since we change so drastically maturity wise and things we liked or ways we used to act no longer are, there's a great chance that the person in your mind you knew back then even wouldnt come close to the Jarret he is today. And theres no saying what could happen if a genie granted you 3 wishes what would happen if you could magically be with this guy again. Would he be all the same to you as he once felt or would it all be different. Even after 3 years not seeing a guy I used to date, when I saw him again and we went out to dinner to chat about old times, it was not the same, it all felt different and when he kissed me goodbye, i certainly didn't feel what I felt back then with him. I even wondered why I thought he was the best thing ever back then. hehehe. Time can change things. right now, you are in love with a memory. Yes, there are lots of people in love with memories, some to the point that in all things, they live in the past, comparing everything today to the past so that today can never match up because the past is Way better in their imaginations as they remember than it actually was and this prevents a person from living in current day time, we cant really 'be' in the present fully so we miss out on lots of things that 'could be' simply because we are living in the past. You can have good memories of him and no, they won't go away. But the hurt, the pain of the past fades as well as the strong good feelings. But memories never disappear unless you have an accident and you get amnesia or you get a disease like Alzheimers. You learn to understand what importance, or not, to place on your memories as you file them away in your mind and remember to live today for today and enjoy whomever you can find for romance and dating today. By time you are 18 and an adult, you won't have to be yanked around anymore and can settle in one place, go to college, and are old enough to get into a real serious relationship. And nothing your parents do will affect you in that way any longer. Until then, you will just have to cherish good memories of past places, people and experiences.

[view]

or hip hop, or r&ab, or gospel. It makes no sense to me, and I find it offensive. Why couldn't they just first ask what I'm into, the project their assumption upon me? There's many types of music in the world. Then when I say I'm into rock, people are always in disbelief, and many even doubt the depth of my love and ties with it. I mean there's even assumptions about rock, like that it's only hard rock or metal. I'm really bad with genres, but I like a lot of quote on quote "indie" stuff, like shoegaze, punk, ambient, experimental, electronic, psychedelic, dream pop... music associated with such terms. Thanks to the Internet, I've learned I'm not the only one, cause it regularly feels like that in my day to day life. In my day to day life it's weird to listen to what I listen to period, much less on top of that also being black. I agree people are people and music is music but it's just troubling to see that people still have trouble moving past stereotypes. It just makes me wonder, what else do they assume about me, because of my skin color? I can't even imagine thinking that way, it's just not how I approach the world or view other people, but it's a reality I need to learn an accurate response to, other than just sweeping every little sting under the rug. Other people's negativity sometimes affects me, like with wondering whether I should really be going to a particular concert, should I really have my favorite artists' pictures on my wall, that sort of thing. how do I rationalize myself out of such toxic influences? And yes, I listen to more than just rock, but it's just the bulk of what I listen to on a regular basis. It's not about looks, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc it's about the quality of the music to me. Why am I expected to identify with songs about life in a ghetto or going to clubs or whatever when I've mainly lived in suburbia? My family isn't rich, but we're definitely comfortable. That doesn't mean I don't have struggles, but it doesn't mean I'll necessarily have the same struggles as someone else just cause we share the same skin color. *sigh*. Any advice will be appreciated.

You can thank media in part for this. When its bad news, they share stuff more about the black vs white people who robbed, killed, got arrested, etc... Its also in the movies, see a black person playing classical music enough in sitcoms and movies? No you don't. I'm white and I have to say, you're right, it really does seem stereotypical.
Add to it that of the many popular black singers out there, it seems I only hear more of those who do the 4 types of music you mentioned, played more often. If I try to think of lots of black singers that do some other kind of music, its hard. To me, I dont think of labels to music and love lots of music by black singers and heck, I never pay attention enough to learn who the singer is, no matter what the color of their skin. I just response to what I liked when I heard the music, like Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder. And then there's Chubby Checker with songs like "Do the twist" which to me is more an era music 'oldies, 50's music'. I guess this all is dating me. If it makes you feel any better, just by sound of voice, not type of music, I am surprised sometimes to look up the black singer of a song I heard that I like only to find out they're white and vice versa. Yes, we all tend to have these thoughts pop into our mind. I believe however, it's what I do next that really has an impact on whether I am racist or not. If I were to not purchase any music once I discovered the singer was black, then yeah, the label racist fits. I have a black brother in law I love as family. And yet I am not sorry to say, that he has a voice i term northern US black accent. There is east coast black accent as well as southern but I really love the UK black accent.
Whites tend to for most part sound different than blacks or even asians for that matter. Asians seem to sound the same no matter what region they live in. But whites pick up accents too like east coast, southern. I live on west coast and am told I have an accent and sound different to a person from the east coast for example. I have met whites with a certain sound to their voice and ask where they are from and each time I thought it sounded east coast, without saying so to them, they have said east coast. People tend to go with the majority of their experiences like my guessing the east coast accent. It's a lot like the conditioning a mouse or rat in a lab maze test. they run the maze to find a piece of cheese and after so many times, come to "expect" it to always be there so the one time you leave it out, they don't know what to do, they go back again and again looking for cheese thats not there. For a big part, that is also an issue of human nature, humans are so easily trained and conditioned. Just because we form habits and begin to expect something to be the same each time doesn't mean we can't adjust if the "cheese is a different flavor cheese". We might be temporarily surprised to find something or discover something that we weren't expecting but it's how we act and say after that matters. If pleasantly surprised and truly interested to know what types of music you like, then try not to fall into the same trap of 'expecting a white person to be a certain bad way towards blacks'. I haved learned to not take things so personally in life. I am half german and when in my twenties, twice when someone learned I was german, they called me a Nazi. I said nothing and smiled inwardly as the other half of me is Jewish, the people who were persecuted by Nazi's. Now on the other hand, if after their surprise, a person starts to grill you about why you aren't liking the music of your own kind...ah...then you have a person who is stereo-typing you and racist. A type of music doesn't just belong to any one race anymore, at least not in the US where we are a melting pot of so many races each bringing a little of their culture to mix and blend with so many others. We have variety. I hope this helps you hearing another perspective especially from a white older female who believes every single person should not be evaluated on their race or even on their past mistakes, just for who they are as an individual today and as one of Gods many colored children.

[view]

I need some suggestions. I am looking for some good ideas for a mothers day gift. This woman isn't my biological mother, but is a mother figure to me. I want to get her something special and creative, not the typical jewelry or flowers bit. I wanted to get her concert tickets but the one I know shed love she already is going to. She's not into the spa stuff or manicures so that's out. But she's not masculine either. Please help

Sometimes it is the special action taken that speak louder than a purchased gift when it comes to Mothers day. I have only one I still remember without fail, this is the Mothers day that my daughters found a large enough tray to serve as a breakfast tray and brought me breakfast in bed with cards in which they each wrote a poem from their heart. They didn't have much money to spend and they were still teens. I treasure those poems and card and memory of the breakfast and truthfully can't tell you what I recieved as a gift on any of the other Mothers days I've had.

So I would suggest if any of you are good at writing and poetry or with lyrics and play instruments, have all the kids get together and put on some entertainment for her. Take it a step further, promising to take her to lunch or dinner, just you and her. (I did something like this for my ex on his birthday.) And the entertainment can come after. I actually began driving and after a while, long enough for friends to redecorate our place(or her house) to look like a french restaurant, I pretend to look horrified, and say something about getting my wallet out earlier and can't remember if I put it back in my purse and pull over, peek in (dont let her see cus its there) and say, dang, I left it at home. We've got to go back. You ask her to run in and get it telling her where you left it. She enters the house to see living room transformed into a restaurant (card table covered in checkered cloth, 2 chairs, lit candle or flower arrangment, one person is the greeter who seats her, another (child perhaps) is the one who is dressed with apron and pad of paper to write orders on. there is also handmade menu's to hand out with two or three choices of meals. Come up wth a catchy restaurant name on menu that may pertain to the family such as "Three Sisters Restaurant" or using nicknames "Sissy and Juniors Restaurant". Get lots of help from secretly talking to a couple of her close friends telling them what you want to do and hold this event on the day before Mothers day so they can have their own. This way you can have 3 of her friends bring potluck items, like salad, fruit salad or precooked items that just need reheating in the microwave and they remain hidden in kitchen or elsewhere until the meal she ordered has been served and then ask if she'd like to meet the cooks and have her friends come out. Now she can eat with her friends while all the kids provide entertainment of some sort. I guarantee when she looks back, this will be the Mothers day she remembers and had that homemade menu tucked away with all her precious keepsakes. Its a lot of work to organize and get solid commitment but that can be your gift to her and then if anyone wishes, get her gifts as well. Or scale this down and surprise her with something small scale like breakfast in bed with your hand written notes of "What I like about my Mom" or in a poem you created. You can have a some potted rose, those mini ones that could fit on breakfast tray too. Its something she can plant and enjoy every year after.

[view]

So I am a 21 year old woman and have been with my partner for a little over three years now. Sometimes it feels like he loves me more than I do for him. Of course I love him very much, but these days, it seems uneven. I feel like I am being a bad partner because of this.

He knows in his mind that he one day wants to marry me. However, I am not too sure these days.

One part of me wants to stay with him. On the other hand, on-and-off for the past few months, I have been feeling like I want to go out and just casually hook up with people and just be single for a while. I feel as though I would still be hurt to leave my partner, but it sounds like something I would enjoy as well.

I really care about my partner and he is truly a blessing, but I can't help but have these other feelings.

Any advice?

Now this is just a guess based on how I interpret what you wrote and is based on two statements, one being it would be painful to ever leave him and the other "feeling like I want to go out and just casually hook up with people".

I assume then he treats you well and that he would be the perfect marriage partner. And so I would like to mention something called 'new relationship energy'. This is that extra heightened feeling and or ability to sense, that a person feels when something is new to them in their life but after some time has passed, tho they still like it, it doesnt have the same effect to draw your attention and elicit the same intensity of feelings as it did in the beginning. Think back to begging for a certain toy as a child and every ad on TV, you were very excited, a trip to the store and you were in the toy isle staring at or trying to play with the toy you wanted. Then once you got it, for Christmas or a birthday, You found it so exciting and played with it every day, how you related to this toy was one of looking forward to as it occupied your attention fully and there was sooo much you could learn to do and experience with it. Once you'd had it a while and done everything you could with that toy and could maybe even draw it in detail with your eyes blindfoled,as you knew it that well, it lost it's appeal, it didn't elicit the same response in you as it did in the beginning, same thing with a new pet, whatever, whether a living creature or inanimate object.

The intenseness of this feeling is like a drug to some people. Once it wears off, they want to feel it again and you can't not with the one person or object. The only way to feel it again is with a new person or thing. And that might be what is sparking your feeling of wanting to hook up with others.
Now, on the flip side of the coin, there can be two people who are both riding the 'high' of this new relationship energy thinking that they have the best sexual energy when in truth they are a mismatch and just couldn't tell until the special energy wore off. I am sensing this isn't the case for you. For most people, it can last up to 6 mos. and I suppose it can for longer with others. I was a mismatch from the beginning and abused on top of it with 1st husband so I was careful choosing my 2nd. And actually experienced love and romance for real the 1st time with my 2nd husband. After a 30 yr marriage of no real love, this was indeed like a strong drug to my system and it took a full 3 yrs I'd have to estimate before this new relationship energy wore off. Did the level of excitement I felt with him take a dive? Yes. Did I still love him? Yes. Did he treat me like a Queen? Yes. So there was no reason to leave him or search for someone on the side and risk losing him. Our 6 year anniversary will be here in a few months and I can say that pushing through those feelings of it not feeling so exciting was a great experience in the end. On the average, about every 6 months, we both experienced something new in our lovemaking or learned something new about each other that satisfied in some way that desire for the level of excitement I had in the beginning...still not the same but very good. It is when I allowed myself to learn to enjoy what I had with him now that my love grew even greater, to the point we can't stand too long being apart, enjoy each others company and if either of us lost the other, the last one would have a hard time with going on, rather wanting to give up and die.

Unless you guys were a mismatch, which is something that shows itself long before if you aren't, I would urge you to find new things to do together, even if its taking an evening class to both learn to do Thai cooking or ball room dancing. Having something new to do together may help you come back to a level of having that special heightened feeling when with him. Its not magic so it doesn't come back at once or hit you in the face in an instant like the attraction to a new person, but it grows slowly. If you're watching for it, you'll see it and all your worries will be laid to rest.

[view]

So my boyfriend fingers me often, but today we went to the beach and I let him when we stopped on our way back to my house where he was dropping me off. I know that it's bad to let him finger me when his hands are dirty and I know that that's why it's hurting so bad right now. But I can't even pee or touch it in the slightest bit without wanting to scream. I can't tell my mom or go to the doctor but I know that if I keep it clean it'll go away. What do I do for the pain until it does? Help!

Keeping clean may not be enough. Germs can start an infection that needs treatment with antibiotics. Your Mom is a female, so she should know from experience thats sex and fingering isn't the only ways to get infections. Girls can get infections in the vagina just from using douches or soap, and bladder infections if its painful to pee can also happen without sex. Even with careful wiping, I've gotten them often after having diarrhea. It doesnt take much in germs to get it started. So tell Mom you think you have a bladder infection and if you dont want her to know you had sex, dont tell her. If she's weird and asks if yu did, just roll your eyes and say, "Geez Mom, you know infections can happen from many things other than sex. All I know is it hurts when I pee.
Once you have an appointment, you can ask to not have Mom in room with you and a doctor must keep everything confidential even if its your parents, thats the current Hippa law. Good luck.

[view]

I'm 23/f and I started talking to this new guy (he's 24) and we really connected we joked and there was some major sexual attraction as well. Last weekend we went on our first date and it was awkward of course but he was a perfect gentleman, but at the end of the night there was no kiss. At first I thought, no big deal, maybe he's not as into me as I imagined. Then he later informs me that he wanted to but he was too scared. So then this whole week we were texting back and forth and more and more he'll fall into this kid-like way of talking. Like I'll ask him if he had a good day at work and he'll respond with "Yeah but I'm so seepy now!" Or we'll talk about going out to dinner again and he says "Yeah can't wait to get the food in my tummy I'm hungee!" And if he has talked this way when we first met I wouldn't have tried to start any kind of relationship. I know some girls think thats cute but I'm not one of them. Last night was the nail in the coffin when I said goodnight and he responds with "Yeah I'm going to bed I'm such a sleepy puppy." It seemed like all my attraction just died. He's a sweet guy, but I don't want a puppy, I would like a man. How do I let this guy off easy? I don't want to hurt the puppy.

My guess is he's hiding something. Either he already has another woman and he was enjoying attention from another female on the side but not so far as cheating on her sex wise, or he may be a virgin, bi sexual, fluid gender, or some other sexual related thing he's afraid of any woman finding out thinking it would be a deal breaker instantly, or who knows what other scenerio.
If he liked baby talk, he'd have probably done it form the beginning if thats who he really is.

So if you dont want to break up without knowing what really is the issue here, then ask him. But you have to ask questions first. Most people don't volunteer info and need to be asked but not many are asking.
For example, have you asked him why he's even doing baby talk now when he didn't in the beginning. Did you ask him to explain further on his fear issues, like has he ever kissed anyone before or had sex? He's acting there like a 12 yr old boy wanting his first kiss but too afraid to make the move. The only thing he is voluntarily offering is baby talk and reminding you every night that he is sleepy. That is not the talk of a man with a normal sex drive. I wouldn't be too surprised if there are some mental issues originally or emotional problems due to physical ones he's embarassed about. For all we know, he could be like another TV show personality "Adrian Monk" the inspector who had many extreme fears. Its possible, a fear of germs from trading saliva. I knew a gal at work for whom just the thought of a fork or spoon having previously been in someone elses mouth, grossed her out, and she had never kissed a guy even though in her twenties. The only way you can know anything is to ask, in case he was bold enough to tell you. Otherwise, all you can say is, "Hey, I'm just not feeling the chemistry I felt at first. It must have been a case of just New relationship energy. Sorry, but I wish you the best and I'm gonna move on."

[view]

Infos first:
We're both boys
We're both 16
We've been friends since day 1

Now my bestfriend just got his girlfriend and I was happy at first. But normally, as we all expect, I was left out. When we went out, he always talked and texted on the phone and everything he told me was about his girl. I was pretty annoyed, but I was also very jealous. We've always been great friends, but when she came, that was kinda lost. Now here's the funny part

After two months, another girl showed up and my bestfriend kinda liked her. Now he told me all about her this time, how she was nice and such, and that she was his new bestfriend. Now I thought the same way you did. I was shocked and I ran away like a chicken XD Then I told his girlfriend, who is now my close friend, about the girl and how she replaced me. His girlfriend was not happy, she got mad and everything.

Now I told my bestfriend that I cant take it anymore, and that I wanted to leave him because I only get ignored and underappreciated. He explained to me that the girl didnt replace me. By saying "new", it means that there are two of us. Now here's the weird part.

After that day, he became sooo affectionate. Every morning, he asked me if I've eaten breakfast, then greeted me with good mornings. He also says he loves me (which is normal for us) everytime he says good bye. Is he pretending for the sake of our friendship? I mean, he just acted this way all of a sudden.

If a person really realizes that they've taken someone for granted slowly over the years and no longer treat them as a best friend or what ever, then yes, it may seem drastic change and not seem real. But it can be a sincere want to fix things immediately and he's doing it the only way he knows how. If the conversation seems forced or faked, it may be that awkward simply cus he got out of the habit of having normal chat with you over a girlfriend. It takes a month of consistent new behavior to get rid of an old bad habit. So if it seems stiff and fake at first, give it time, and by time a month has gone by, he should be back to being your old best friend.
I am sure you know it's possible to have many very close friends, but a best friend is the one you confide in the most, understands you best, really cares about you and you feel safe baring your heart to. In the beginning, it's most natural to have a best friend who is the same sex, however many enjoy a best friend of the opposite sex and tho not as common is still very natural to occur. This does change a bit when a guy gets to dating age and thinking of the future from a far off way. If you choose carefully, the woman who ends up your life long mate will become your female best friend. For someone so close to you in a mate relationship this is also natural but will never replace a man having a male best friend. My husband considers me his best friend as a female. However he still has one male from teen years (now in 50s) who is still his male best friend. Friendship like that is very possible to remain strong forever. So don't worry right now. give him the benefit of the doubt and go with it. In a couple months in should become obvious if there is something wrong.

I mention a couple months because all relationships in the beginning have with is called NRE new relationship energy, and this is that extra extra excited special feeling you get like anticipating a Christmas toy. Then once you have it, only in the beginning do you spend time with it like its the most special thing in the world but eventually this energy fades and you're left over time with the actual energy and chemistry attraction to a person, usually a couple months time or more, even 6 months can be normal but usually less common to last so long. Sometimes in young teens this NRE lasts only a couple weeks and once it begins to fade, interest is still there but not at that exxagerrated level so thats when a person begins to focus again on other people. Just wait, your time is coming, and even tho you know about this, you'll find it very hard to focus on your best friend and others when a special girl comes into your life. We all do this, a human response I suppose.

[view]

iam young and I've had sex with 4 different guys all at different times I knew them well 3 of them last night it was random unknown guy I ha just met , it all started when I was in long relationship and lost my virginty , I wa highly depressed and got a fwb , then another fwb , I wasn't to stop this these both guys are my neighbors I wanna focus in school , I don't want to get a bad reputation I've been having many problems this has been the worse I feel like the worse girl ever with no type of descensy my grades have dropped ever since too

Yup, what you'r experiencing is normal for any girl who either has short term boyfriends and break ups or gets into sex early and has the string of FWB type guys. Either way, the strong emotions of these situation will tug your attention in directions other than school work.
I remember telling this to all my 3 daughters just as they began high school and told them to closely observe their female peers and the ones who are in some kind of relationship with guys, sexual or not, just watch how their grades and school performance does. They did and noticed grades dropping and decided for themselves to not
"Date" in HS. I did not say it was a bad thing to have male friends and they were as welcome to come to our house as their girlfriends. The romance and dating things was best avoided until they graduate.
Why wait? Because as far as sex goes, once you'v eexperienced it and like it, its not so easy to give up. One can use vibrators or masturbate but you now know what having a male partner is like and when it comes to choosing between taking care of your urges yourself or finding a guy, its too easy to go for a guy. Basically, to stop you just need enough determination to say, no I cant get toghether with you anymore, its not you, its me, and it makes me lose concentration in school and my grades are dropping. Then stick with it. You could keep in mind to reward yourself for sticking with your plan by planning to only get together with your FWB's at a time when there may not be homework like during Christmas break, spring or winter break, and during summer. that way you have something to look forward to for being on your chosen "good behavior".

I can't really say why you have such a draw towards sex at a young age. All kids go through puberty and adjusting to the hormonal changes in their bodies which of course make them horny and wanting relief. Some have higher libido's and threfore need more than others. If this is the case with you, don't be afraid to masturbate as much or as often as you need to get that release.

When you say you dont want to get a bad reputation, I assume you mean regarding being loose with boys and you're not refering to your grades. What you need to realise here is that people, young or way way older, all have to remember that if they have an opinion to keep it too themselves and that it isn't their business since the only person any of us can change for the better IS ourself. However, not all people have learned this and some never do. So you may get unsolicited opinions, suggestions or even worse, name calling and such due to them being ignorant and immature. We can not judge a person based on past behavior. If you turn over a new leaf, you can demand to be respected for your current behavior and not your past. Every teen pretty much has done something they regret by time they graduate HS. this is one of those cases about a woman about to be stoned to death, Jesus pointed out, when he said, Let the one who hasn't sinned, throw the first stone. No one threw a stone.Course, I think he was dealing with adults, not teens whose minds may not get this. LOL If we are honest with ourselves, all have their own set of failures and indiscretions, they don't have to match yours to be better or worse. So keep in mind to ignore what may come your way. That may be harder than avoiding the guys. And good luck.

[view]

How do you know If a girl likes you?

there are subtle clues that are evident no matter which sex the person is who has an interest in someone.

For one thing, that person looks your way often, to the point its obvious, maybe staring and looking away, or smiling at you and greeting you when they pass. A smile is important when directed at you. It works for any two people in any situation in life, it means, "I am friendly and approachable." A person who didn't want your attention, even a male for a male buddy, would not look at you or smile or talk to you as that might encourage you to try and be friends with them. Think about how you met your own friends. You didnt become friends if they couldn't look you in the eyes and smile and chat, right?

Lots of the things i mention next is something our bodies do subconsciously. So we aren't aware with our conscious minds that we or someone else is doing this/.
Approaching a person to stand close to them or sit next to them. If it's close enough to be arms length away so you can easily reach out and tap their shoulder, it means you are in person's 'personal space'. If your presence is welcome and she likes you, she'll stay put or maybe even move a step closer or lean towards you while standing, sitting or in conversation. If she doesnt like you, she's step back away to recreate that space between you.
Another thing we all do is end up mimicking a person we like, its a very basic animal instinct to make the other person feel comfortable and relaxed with you. So lets say you put a leg across your knee. Within a short time, almost right away, she'll move her legs somehow too, maybe to cross them, it may not be the exact same move but a move of legs. If your hand goes up to adjust glasses, or scratch your face or scalp, her hand will go up towards her head to do something too, maybe tuck hair behind her ear. If all so far shows she seems favorable to you, the next step is flirting and it's usually best to try touch, anything other than overt sexual touching like slapping her behind should be avoided. talkin more of reaching for her hand, pretendng to pick an eyelash off the cheek or wipe a smudge off her face, or if its real, go for the opportunity. A pat on the back, a playful light punch on the arm, seeking as many opportunities to touch and if she accepts them all, she really likes you. She might like a guy as a friend but not feel any of those romantic feelings for him to be bf/gf. If she doesn't she may shy away from your touches. If she enjoys talking to you and half the time initiates conversation whether texting, phone calls or in person, that's another good sign. At this point, you can say, hey we get along pretty good as friends already, so would you like to be my girlfriend. With all positive signs, its likely she'd say yes.

[view]

I am f/25, he is 30.

We met in November. This guy was super super sweet but I had no idea whether he was interested in romance or friendship so I stuck around hoping it would develop into more. Well, it had been over a month and it still didn't progress past friendship, but since I could really start liking him, I said something. Turns out he did like me romantically (hurray!) he just likes to take things super slow. Fair enough.

We became exclusive in February. Whether it was done on purpose or not, he made a point to passively mention every time we hang out things like "wants to keep his independence and have different interests", "moving in no sooner than a few years after meeting", "one date a week is good enough", and similar slow-timelined things. Whatever, no big deal, I'm not really in a rush, and I kinda assumed as much when it took more than a month for him to even hold my hand! But at the same time, I had some slightly different views, like wanting to see my 'boyfriend' more than once per week, but since most other points were pretty similar I decided not to say something and let things ride their course.

Since then everything seems to be on fast forward. Not in a bad way, but very much different to how it started. We see each other a minimum of 2-3 days per week and we've had numerous deep conversations about marriage, kids, religion, life goals, financials, and living together. I assumed most of these were simply "need-to-know" conversations in order to gauge the relationship direction in terms of compatibility. I've mentioned my whole "want to be married to have kids (ps: i want kids!)", "want to be married for a few years before starting family", "want first kid by age 30", "want to be engaged before living together", etc. Since then, we've said I love you (took me longer to say it back!), we've made love, and we can't not talk to each other every day. I love this. It's great. But so different from what he said in the beginning. He's mentioned (in passing of course) that he wants to move this year because he's getting bored of his apartment (rumour has it that it was a shared place with his ex) and then keeps saying things about how great my place is, and if it weren't so far from his work he'd stay over more. Part of me is excited that he's [potentially] thinking about that, and yet I still can't help but worry that I don't want to be living in a dreamworld only to find it shattered because 'things are moving too fast' and he walks.

Is it normal to move this fast as you get older? My last relationship took over 4 years before any mention of 'future' didn't get him all up in [angry] knots! And is it super weird that I would totally say yes if he proposed, yet not-so-much to the idea of him moving in? It's not a commitment thing, because he's basically perfect and I know he genuinely loves me to pieces. I often imagine our life together (house, wedding, kids, the whole bit!), but the idea of him moving in with me scares me to death. I mean, he hasn't even met my family yet!

I will add just one more thing. Yes, in some cases things can move very fast for us as we get older as far as meeting, becoming serious, moving in and having a committed relationship whether its with a marriage license or not.

It doesn't work for all adults as some seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over that are major no-nos in the realm of dating and relationships or at least should be avoided.
However, with age, comes maturity for adults and with some more life experience, that can make all the difference in knowing what you're looking for and not being afraid to go after it and ask for it.
That's what makes it go faster as we get older.
When young, people tend to want their singlehood and are not in a hurry to make short term or long term commitments to another. If the other is willing to wait, Fine, but some are skirting another issue they wont face and something in their past is a barrier to them moving forward and making a commitment. 4 years is way too long for a guy to figure out he wants a future with a gal. If two people date often, and talk lots, the amount of time for them to get to know each other well enough to know this is the person they want to be with forever, is shortened a good time. Even younger folks can end up both acknowledging that fact and it can be just a handful of months. It all depends on the people involved. Some people are very cautious. I will say tho, that deciding to go straight from dating to marriage without living together is something I personally feel not the best choice. I've also read from dating coaches, that the fastest way to find out if there are any things about your potential partner that you cannot live with or put up with, habits or treatment of you that is not respectful and loving to you and habits that can stress a relationship in the long term such as gambling habits, financial irresponsibility, their lever of cleanliness in keeping house, being hooked on drugs or alcohol, etc. I as well as the experts seeing living together as the final way to check out a person who has so far passed with flying colors for being a potential life mate. It's often in the living together you discover things that were easy to be kept from your knowledge, hidden things, not hidden on purpose but that weren't obvious before. If you're not ready now, thats fine. But I would suggest sometime in the future living together before that final commitment. Its easier to break up as room mates (even if lovers) than it is to get divorced if things don't work out.

[view]

Last summer I told my crush that I liked him. He was like oh cool and he still talks to me back then and we chatted daily. Until the school started. We wouldn't talk in real life and its awkward, but we will still message each other after school. That made me really happy because he didnt ignored me after i confessed. So my friends also know i have a crush on him, and if my crush and i passed by tgt, my friends would make noise and he told me he doesnt like it. so one day he got really mad at me becuz my friends "teased us" but i got pissed and ignored him. soon i found he unfriended my through fb so i blocked him. i still think i like him but i dont want to what should i do? i cant even talk to him rn...

I am guessing you're young teens as it is pretty embarassing for most teens to be teased about liking each other.
It wouldn't matter if it was your friends doing the teasing or his buddies, some guys just don't like, in fact they get pretty uncomfortable and then pissed about it. The young adult solution to such an issue is to avoid whomever it is that they like and hope the teasing dies down and its all forgotton. Basically, he can't handle the peer pressure or more to the point, has a great fear of what others think about him...cant handle the attention focused on him. I assured you when he grows up, as an adult it won't bother him as much. I understand, I was a teen once and yes, we all struggle with being too self conscious.

He reacted too quickly by unfriending you as it was your only way to keep in touch if he was no longer going to do so at school. I do wonder if he was expecting you to know how sensitive he was and to warn your friends ahead of time to be quiet and keep their sounds and comments to themselves. I am assuming they've teased this way before and he finally just had enough.irs. All peers who wish they had a bf/gf, will tease the few who do just because they're jealous and want the same. However I am sure your friends wouldn't do it anymore if you said something. He might be angry at you for simply going along with your friends and not standing up to them and telling them to quit the silly sound making.

You probably didn't recognize the main warning sign that this would be an issue, where he was friendly and hung out with you, only to stop once school started and then 'secretly' keep in touch via FB. that right there says, he was not wanting anyone else to know that he liked you.
Since both of you have done things so that you can't talk on FB, the most obvious thing to do with be to see if things can be repaired between you so that at least you two can chat via computer. Another thing you can do is tell your friends you do not appreciate the fact that they made a bad situation worse and you'd have to ask them to please be quiet and never let on in the future when you like a guy or he likes you in return. Without you even confessing, most people after some time spent observing can tell just by the looks and the sizzling energy between two people that they like each other, even when they are not spending any time together so dont be surprised if that happens again in the future.

To get started talking again, you can not walk up to him in school or he will react and anger and may say hurtful things to you for the benefit of those listening in so they assume its all over and hopes it means they stop teasing. You also can not pass a note to a friend of his to deliver because then he'll know his friend knows something up between you and he may fear teasing from his buddy. The only way I can think of getting a message to him is writing him a note and dropping it in his locker, preferable a time when no one else is around to see you do it. Otherwise, you may have to wait for a time when he's not at home and leave a note with his mom to give to him. But then again, who knows, he might be uncomfortable with his mom knowing. YOu can only do so much but you can't help him not be so sensitive. You can only do your best and if he doesnt respond at all, at least you'll know you didnt give up immediately and tried to reconcile with him.


'

[view]

I will try to keep this as together as I can, but I might go off a bit on ordering, and no, this is not by any means short. One of my lovely features is explaining as much as I can for clarification, in some places a bit just to fine point one small topic... sorry ahead of time. I talk a lot ...

Alright, I will point this out now ... we live far apart from another. Specifically I am in America, and she is in Romania. As you can tell, we've never been in proximity to each other. Now that being said, we have talked nearly every day. How much and the depth of it varies each day. I however start the conversation everyday, which begins to lead to my what I'm .. concerned about.

She has said ( wrote ) many times , that she does care, for me. She does like me, she does like to talk to me. She likes many things. We have speculated the idea of a ( distance of the long-ness ) relationship ( laugh if you wish ) and whether it'd be plausible. The answer to that is to be determined still...

Anyway, the thing is, after all she has said, she shows so little of it. You would think if you care for someone enough as you say, you would be on the gun for talking with them, actively sharing your day or thoughts without being asked, or something you can commonly hear two people do, but she does not do anything like that.
If I don't say anything one day, we won't talk.. most the time ( albeit I never give it more than a day or two because at that point I miss her. Clingy, right? ) Or, it seems almost any little thing she is occupied with, makes her completely indisposed. I know how that sounds.. but I am being fairly serious. I am on a ride or walking somewhere, I think of her, and am fully abled to talk, but it seems almost impossible in her eyes. However that is not always the case, there have been exceptions where she would still talk, like sending a voice message while almost running somewhere, so I guess it sorta makes that point invalid.
Also, she doesn't like to share a lot of anything that is... I don't want to say "intimate", but anything that just isn't publicly known.. now I can imagine " Well that is her decision you creep ", and yes I agree, but I have shared so much with her, and I didn't think it'd be unreasonable to expect similar from her. She's never told me to stop, or that's enough, she'll read it, or listen, however, if there is ever a point where her input is desired, she doesn't always give it. Sometimes she gives a totally acceptable response, other times though, she kind of just overlooks giving it on stuff. She knows I hate that, and I will ask her what was up with it, but that is when sometimes things will get tense and communicating is scarce, because I can't just sit her down with me and talk, you get upset with another this kind of scenario, you simply don't answer them because you made the person unhappy. Not in all cases where she just goes entirely, she may leave that moment but come back and then I will try to fix it, but sometimes... sort of like now, she avoids communication. In this special case however she has gone to the capital on a trip, so I don't expect a lot of talking from her, I myself would still try to give as much as I could.
To be perfectly honest, I am fairly certain it was my fault this time, for something petty. What is it you should ask? She said she was going to a club during the nights maybe on her trip ( which contradictory to something else, i will say later), and that bugged me, and my default response ..... made it obvious it rubbed me wrong. After a short spiel on why it did after she asked what, she simply said she was going for her run and that sorta started the communication cut. I've talked to her since then, said sorry, and tried to be cute and say like " take some pictures for me dear, please. " Can I be blamed though for it bugging me, even a little? The girl I care for ( who happens to be very attractive ) is going to a club, with the possibility of being full of horny, hounding guys.. or girls ( ?? ) that may want to hit on her, or more. We aren't in a relationship, so there are no ties from being a couple, but it just doesn't sit right with me. ( guy likes girl, girl likes guy, but still goes to places like that. I don't know what kind of club, but I am going to assume it's not some paradise place that keeps significant others at a peace of mind. ) Now simultaneously, I want her to be happy, have fun, and do what she wants. So, mentally I am at a crossroads, but in the end she is going to do whatever she pleases. I have a fair feeling she actually went the night this was done.
I said this is contradictory earlier, and that is because one time asking about her, she went on a short spiel on how she says shes a weirdo, and that she doesn't open up to anyone and just surrounds herself with books and no one else. She doesn't like being around others, but goes to a club... there are holes in her logic to me, that makes me question her honesty to me some. Or maybe I just over think it too much. I take this much more serious than what most people probably do.

I think I can finally start to wrap this up. If only I knew how to write like this in high school... ( bad time for humor? )
In the end, I care for this girl, I really do, more than I can realize probably, I just want to understand. About her, her thoughts, you know,things you would normally pick up in person I don't have the luxury to find out without asking. And to have the peace of mind knowing when she means something, knowing it's true. knowing they mean it when they say something. I've try to set that standard for myself.

For about 2 seconds, I pondered the thought that if she saw this, she'd maybe get why I say so much, or ask.. maybe it'd change things.. for the better in a perfect world. But then I remembered how bad of an idea that would be... But she is someone I trust telling anything to, which is a seldom thing, so hiding stuff isn't something I really do with her, you know?

One last point and I am done, I have this very small worry, that the only reason she said love, is because of her overjoy shortly before that I sent her roses. Yea, I had flowers sent to her, sue me. Apparently they brought tears to her eyes( of joy ), and she was pretty much glowing the rest of that day, overjoyed... and maybe a few days following where she felt overly affectionate, but now it wore off and she doesn't really care as much as she lead on... I hope this part is just wild speculation on my part, but I won't rule it out.

So, what do you all think, do you think she doesn't care, I'm just there for boredom sake, maybe she really does care, and I just don't have the proper way to always talk to her? Is every issue my fault for over thinking? Is her level of engagement appropriate? Do you think she could step it up, should I lower it? Something else entirely? Did the borg invade? ( Only some will get that... ) I'd like *nice* input on this. Helpful, uplifting, but fair. I think that'd be reasonable. But if the need to be absolutely rude and insulting is for you, then do so I suppose. If there is clear input on maybe how I could bring this up in a fair manner too, that'd be perfect. I want to talk to her about this, but in a way where she will sit and listen, and respond, not leave for few days making me spazz the hell out. Having other's insight on how to do it would be great. I may even try to convince her to a skype call again ( we've only done it twice, but once it has started they have gone well, smiles, laughter, goofyness, things I wish we could do more often. ) and maybe we can talk about it in real time. Sort of putting her on the spot, but it'd work.. That sounds mean I know. And no, I don't intend to actually show her this. Probably. Maybe. We'll see.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and have input. I will say, if your advice is " forget her ", that won't happen.... before this got more serious, I ... actually tried to put a bit of space, and it did not work. Plus, I don't want to honestly. I want a fix, not a quit.
Grazie!

Razhie is right. Her level of engagement is appropriate. She is not taking this all 100% serious, especially since you've never met and there's little chance of that.
Hey it comes with the territory.

So does that mean there's something wrong for you to get so emotionally into an on-line relationship?
No, you are normal too, as both as the 2 possible actions people take in on line relationships.

Believe it or not, the emotional attachment occurs also in the online alternative sim world scenerios with avatars. All the avatars on the average look around 30 and most likely look nothing like the person behind the avi. A greater portion of people playing those sims are actually retired, old, ill, wheelchair or house bound people and yet, they get very emotionally attached to the point they marry and have on line avatar babies together. And I know an older lady who plays such a game and she freaked out when she didn't hear from a friend in over 5 days. He was on vacation with his wife in real life. And she thought he had died as he had medical issues.
LDR's and on line friendships are great if you can keep it in perspective. They will Never be on the same level with in -person relationships.

In fact, in my parents time, and half my life too, there was no computers. But the equivalent of LDRs then was writing letters and maybe trading phone numbers. My parents met that way. She flew from germany to be with him to marry him and finds he wasn't anything like what she thought and she's terrified and alone with no family around and decides to make the best of it and marry. They became best friends but were never really in love with each other. this is more often the scenerio. Its too easy to imagine to fill in the things you can not get with on line. Like what the chemistry in person feels like. there can be friendship chemistry but the other important factor is the sexual chemistry and that is what attracts one person to another in real life. You also don't have a chance to truly build trust. You can fool yourself into believing you have it on line, but since theres no way you can walk into such and such restaurant to see if she really went there with family to celebrate Moms birthday, for all you know, she could be out on a hot date with a guy there. You can never be 100% sure with solid facts that can be proven.

LDR's are safer if someone has been physically abused before, no one can reach you thru the pc screen and also safer in comparison to real life for girls not getting pregnant or folks catching an STD. It works great for people with commitment issues in real life. Other than than, its better to have an in-person relationship if you really want the commitment. Its too easy for one or the other to become bored with just pixel relationships or pixel sex for that matter if thats what a person goes for.

[view]

I am pretty bad at math, and I don't have the reason most people are bad at it. I have synethesia (Google it if you don't know what it is) whenever I do problems it seems like I'm in a swarm of colors and it makes it hard to focus on the problem. When we do problems like 1.278•34.9000 I end up swimming in red,orange,hot pink, dark purple, emerald green, sky blue, orange, and lots of silver. It's so annoying! I like having synethesia, but not during math. It also makes it hard to remember stuff because the math teacher talks, and the numbers all translate to colors, for a while, then fades away, and of I wanna remember what he said I need to translate all the colors back to numbers, and figure out if they were single digit or if they combined. Another thing is each number has a specific personality. And they interact with each other, for example, 1 is a bully to 0, so whenever 0 is near 1 I feel bad and that makes it very stressful doing problems. Another thing, X is cherry red. So X=9, 9 is orange, cherry red=orange (????????) Most people won't understand, but it makes math stressful and annoying!

I have heard of this but only thru another previous question poster, and I read up on it.
Yes, it would be hard. I think the general public doesn't know about it as the medical community is only beginning to learn of it. So chances are your math teacher hasn't heard of it.

You could try to explain to the teacher how you are struggling and why, using the examples like you gave us and more. But he/she may think you are making this up as a fancy story to make trouble. If you have any paperwork from a doctor that verify's synthesia and that you have it, that would be a good step in the right direction. It's almost as if a teacher knowing what particular colors are attached for you to letters and numbers would have to come up with a totally different lesson plan for you just to figure out if you get the concepts. Whats even more amazing is that if B is Lavender for one person with Synthesis, it won't be for another or yourself with the same condiition. So its' not as if the education system can come up with one way to teach math to individuals like you that works for all of you.
This said, it's very unlikely, even if your teacher were willing to try to help you out, that it would be too time consuming. That might leave the option of a tutor with the same condition who has figured ways to get the math concept across. Just finding someone like that would be a shot in the dark and may not happen.

But it would be good for your teacher to at least understand so you don't get a failing grade in math. Does the doctor who diagnosed you know enough about the condition to make any suggestions for you? that might be a start as there obviously are others like you and they will have the same issues with being taught and understanding in certain classes. Perhaps there exists a support group of sorts educationally. If the Dr. and your school have no suggestions, check on the internet. I wish you the best

[view]

Okay so, I've liked this guy for about a year and a half now but I don't know how to say it. I'm an awkward person to begin with and we do talk to each other now and again but I really do like him. I'm 90% sure he doesn't like me back and if he does I'll be surprised. Can someone tell me how to tell him without looking weird and stuttering and freezing?

I can't help you with your anxiety and freezing up. There's no instant fix for that but is something you'll need to work on to become more self confident. I do know of ways to do so, I used to be like that and I am cured of those fears of talking to people and such. I can share that with you but thats not what you asked.

So if you are confident enough to approach him and easily talk to him, here's how you do it without putitng him on the spot and making him feel awkward answering to the negative.

"I have enjoyed the time we've known each other, and we seem to get along well enough the little time we have seen each other. I was wondering if you think we might have enough in common to explore whether we could be boyfriend-girlfriend. What do you think?"

Here, you ask for his opinion and presented an idea. You wouldn't be saying I have a crush on you and want to know if you want to date. This leaves feelings out of the picture and concentrates only on surface level attraction. Dating is more for allowing any feelings to develop if the initial attraction is there on both sides which is what you need to know and will find out with this question. If he is attracted, he'll said yes unless he's in a relationship right now you dont know about. Or he'll say no and thats the end of it. Without mutual attraction to even date to discover if he has feelings, it won't happen.

[view]

So, I'm in my third to last week of classes at university and for the last, maybe, two months a guy friend of mine had been asking to hang out. I commute, though and work a lot so whenever he asked me, I would always be busy. Last night, his friend was leaving his apartment and I was on campus from getting dinner with my girlfriends so I asked him if he wanted a ride back to his place since it was a long walk and it was pretty late and he said yeah. So I drove to my friend's apartment and went upstairs to get him. Our friend answered the door and he was shocked to see me there so he invited me in to which I was a) greeted by a bunch of his friends that were over and b) informed me that they all just got back from the bar a few minutes ago so he was pretty drunk. He kept telling me though that he wasn't that bad (believe me, I've known him for about two years so I believed him when he said that since I have, indeed, seen him black out drunk before). So I stayed for a little, we talked, listened to music, I haven't seen him at all that semester so it was nice to catch up. But it wasn't just he and I, since he had a lot of people over, he was working on trying to keep all of them happy and keep his apartment in one piece.

After his friends started to leave to either go back to their places or go back to the bar, he finally sat with me. Just us, people would come over and tell us bye, but he and I finally had a one on one conversation. Finally everyone left and it was just he and I in the entire apartment since his roommate was gone for the weekend. He leaned really close to my ear since music was playing and told me how happy he was that I was finally able to meet up with him after weeks of trying. He didn't even let me finish talking before he kissed me. I kissed back. It wasn't like he was trying to do anything else because after a few minutes of making out, he pulled away and said he just wanted to lay with me and cuddle so we did and continued to talk. A song I liked came on and I was singing to it and he asked if I was lying about that being my favorite song because that's one of his favorite songs too. Then a rap song came out that I knew so I rapped a part of it and he was shocked and told me how awesome I am that he didn't know I could rap (it's really only that song that I can, lol.)

After more of just talking and laying together on his bed, he kissed me again and then he pulled away and shyly smiled and buried his face in his pillow and he isn't a shy person at all so that was kind of out of the ordinary for him so I asked what that was about and he said nothing, don't worry about it, he didn't want to say. So I let it go. We talked more, I was laying on his arm while his other hand played with my hair and he was about to say something but stopped himself saying how he didn't want to say whatever it is again so I moved away from him and told him to say it. It took a couple minutes for me to finally win that one, but after him telling me he's fairly certain that I already know what he is going to say, he finally told me that he likes me. We laid there for a few more minutes and then he kissed me again and smirked and said again "I just really like you a lot."

There's a few things that make me feel like he was just being a silly drunk when he said that, because he normally doesn't get very feelings-y. His best friend that I was also supposed to take home that night (but decided to go to the bar, because he later told me that it was all a scheme for me to go to the apartment on purpose) told me that when he's drunk, he hits on everyone. He even told me when we were laying together that his body count is seventeen.

But there's a few things that make me kind of iffy about it, like when he told me his body count and I didn't say anything after, he got nervous and asked me if I looked at him differently and kept telling me he got checked three times and he's clean. It's also the fact that he told me it twice. If he was drunk and didn't mean it, or was kidding, why would he tell me twice?

I don't know. I don't think I'd do anything about it anyway, we have two weeks left in the semester and then he goes home and I go home and we live two hours away from each other.

So, my question is to obviously get your input on the subject that if he meant it or was just being drunk. And even if he was being drunk, do you think it holds true that drunk words equal sober thoughts in this situation? He wasn't drunk that he was stumbling over things but he was drunk enough that I could tell with the slur in his words and how he was acting but he was conversing well, wasn't losing train of thought or anything like that.

He is 21 and I'm 20. Thanks for any input!

There are two different kinds of drinkers. However the two kinds basically experience the same thing, a loss of inhibitions and propriety or what is proper. A little alcohol is enough to bring down your inhibitions, what might hold you back from saying whats on your heart and for others who hold a lot of anger hurt or pain in their heart, when those same walls come down that keep them holding onto and containing and not showing this anger, all of a sudden there are no barriers and the hate and anger comes out and you have a person who becomes mean. People who feel they must be very adult like and proper at all times will also tend to want to act very foolish and silly when having had too much alcohol. I can not know how much he drank and if it affected his ability to know what he was saying and doing so with purpose. But pick a day when he hadn't been drinking, bring up that night. Ask first if he remembers what he said to you. If he does, ask him to repeat what he said cus you want to be sure he knows what he said and really meant it. If he meant it, its no surprise. It is very pleasant to find a person that you're attracted to actually has a few things in common with you and is excited to learn if there are more by spending time with you.

I however don't understand what you mean by body count unless you mean the years of age to his body, meaning he's age 17. Then you say something about him statig he was checked 3 times and is clean. THat has nothing to do with checking a persons age, more likely we're talking checking for STDs. Unless a person can produce a piece of paper, their receipt from a visit to a clinic that does such tests, then its only his word for it. And why would he bring that up first thing if he's hoping to slowly seduce you into thinking about having sex with him. Does he really want a relationship and Sex, or is sex his only real goal and he's willing to take his time to get you there.
I may be so far off the mark and It was hard for me to follow some of what you said. Its obvious he has some feeling or attraction but what kind of feelings, for a true girlfriend or a friend with benefits, you can't know without having a good conversation with him.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
humorist-workshop
eXTReMe Tracker