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too soon? or do things speed up as you get older
I am f/25, he is 30.
We met in November. This guy was super super sweet but I had no idea whether he was interested in romance or friendship so I stuck around hoping it would develop into more. Well, it had been over a month and it still didn't progress past friendship, but since I could really start liking him, I said something. Turns out he did like me romantically (hurray!) he just likes to take things super slow. Fair enough.
We became exclusive in February. Whether it was done on purpose or not, he made a point to passively mention every time we hang out things like "wants to keep his independence and have different interests", "moving in no sooner than a few years after meeting", "one date a week is good enough", and similar slow-timelined things. Whatever, no big deal, I'm not really in a rush, and I kinda assumed as much when it took more than a month for him to even hold my hand! But at the same time, I had some slightly different views, like wanting to see my 'boyfriend' more than once per week, but since most other points were pretty similar I decided not to say something and let things ride their course.
Since then everything seems to be on fast forward. Not in a bad way, but very much different to how it started. We see each other a minimum of 2-3 days per week and we've had numerous deep conversations about marriage, kids, religion, life goals, financials, and living together. I assumed most of these were simply "need-to-know" conversations in order to gauge the relationship direction in terms of compatibility. I've mentioned my whole "want to be married to have kids (ps: i want kids!)", "want to be married for a few years before starting family", "want first kid by age 30", "want to be engaged before living together", etc. Since then, we've said I love you (took me longer to say it back!), we've made love, and we can't not talk to each other every day. I love this. It's great. But so different from what he said in the beginning. He's mentioned (in passing of course) that he wants to move this year because he's getting bored of his apartment (rumour has it that it was a shared place with his ex) and then keeps saying things about how great my place is, and if it weren't so far from his work he'd stay over more. Part of me is excited that he's [potentially] thinking about that, and yet I still can't help but worry that I don't want to be living in a dreamworld only to find it shattered because 'things are moving too fast' and he walks.
Is it normal to move this fast as you get older? My last relationship took over 4 years before any mention of 'future' didn't get him all up in [angry] knots! And is it super weird that I would totally say yes if he proposed, yet not-so-much to the idea of him moving in? It's not a commitment thing, because he's basically perfect and I know he genuinely loves me to pieces. I often imagine our life together (house, wedding, kids, the whole bit!), but the idea of him moving in with me scares me to death. I mean, he hasn't even met my family yet!
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I will add just one more thing. Yes, in some cases things can move very fast for us as we get older as far as meeting, becoming serious, moving in and having a committed relationship whether its with a marriage license or not.
It doesn't work for all adults as some seem to keep making the same mistakes over and over that are major no-nos in the realm of dating and relationships or at least should be avoided.
However, with age, comes maturity for adults and with some more life experience, that can make all the difference in knowing what you're looking for and not being afraid to go after it and ask for it.
That's what makes it go faster as we get older.
When young, people tend to want their singlehood and are not in a hurry to make short term or long term commitments to another. If the other is willing to wait, Fine, but some are skirting another issue they wont face and something in their past is a barrier to them moving forward and making a commitment. 4 years is way too long for a guy to figure out he wants a future with a gal. If two people date often, and talk lots, the amount of time for them to get to know each other well enough to know this is the person they want to be with forever, is shortened a good time. Even younger folks can end up both acknowledging that fact and it can be just a handful of months. It all depends on the people involved. Some people are very cautious. I will say tho, that deciding to go straight from dating to marriage without living together is something I personally feel not the best choice. I've also read from dating coaches, that the fastest way to find out if there are any things about your potential partner that you cannot live with or put up with, habits or treatment of you that is not respectful and loving to you and habits that can stress a relationship in the long term such as gambling habits, financial irresponsibility, their lever of cleanliness in keeping house, being hooked on drugs or alcohol, etc. I as well as the experts seeing living together as the final way to check out a person who has so far passed with flying colors for being a potential life mate. It's often in the living together you discover things that were easy to be kept from your knowledge, hidden things, not hidden on purpose but that weren't obvious before. If you're not ready now, thats fine. But I would suggest sometime in the future living together before that final commitment. Its easier to break up as room mates (even if lovers) than it is to get divorced if things don't work out.
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Yup, i agree. The 4 year relationship with no talk of the future was the weird one not this one.
He probably figures that "well since your together now you need to talk about the future" so i see nothing wrong with this part.
Him still wanting to make sure that he can have his own hobbies and interests i dont see anything wrong with either because as a couple as they say "if your going to be together forever" then youll still need to maintain of sense of self, and not wrap your whole life up in your partner because when you do that theres a VERY high chance that youll always be let down because they didnt turn out to be everything you wanted them to be. Some people will start to hold their partner to TOO high expectations with things and THATS whats not healthy. So it really just sounds like he wants to prevent that from happening and that sounds ok to me.
Alot of women have a tendency to put so much into their relationship that they lose everything in the process, friends, hobbies and interests etc because they become what people will start what becomes the old "their joined at the hip" syndrome.
This often will make friends think "well now i have to worry about what HE thinks of me when i talk to my friend about things too" and people feeling like they cant just spend time with YOU anymore because you have to consult your man about every choice you make first before you can turn sideways. lol
It sounds like hes trying to create the foundation for a long term, HEALTHY relationship with you by saying the things hes said so far and these things will also benefit YOU as you will be able to exercise your freedoms as well so it goes both ways.
the only thing i see here thats "odd" is the not living together until your engaged thing, i think thats honestly a bad idea. You dont REALLY know someone until youve lived with them because thats where any kind of games stop and the curtain is pulled back for you to see who they really are day to day. ((AKA any bad habits you dont like about him you can nip in the bud NOW before its too late and you have to discover it one day)) imagine the horror! ; )
I wouldnt consider it "abnormal" once you start a relationship to start talking about the things youve mentioned no. You obviously have ot make sure your compatible with each other in EVERY aspect, so thats not odd.
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It is normal to move that way, and that's not weird. What is weird is that said 4 year relationship you mentioned. Things need time, but not that long. If you're not cool with moving in together, then just don't mention it and if he asks, then say you need more time. If you can wait for all of his little waiting rules, then he can at least do that for you. And if you want him to meet your family, then talk to him about it. It is normal to feel the way you do, him and his stuff, not so much. He should understand if you want to wait for anything, or if you want something to happen.
Hope this helps~
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