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She says she loves me, but does not act the part well...
I will try to keep this as together as I can, but I might go off a bit on ordering, and no, this is not by any means short. One of my lovely features is explaining as much as I can for clarification, in some places a bit just to fine point one small topic... sorry ahead of time. I talk a lot ...
Alright, I will point this out now ... we live far apart from another. Specifically I am in America, and she is in Romania. As you can tell, we've never been in proximity to each other. Now that being said, we have talked nearly every day. How much and the depth of it varies each day. I however start the conversation everyday, which begins to lead to my what I'm .. concerned about.
She has said ( wrote ) many times , that she does care, for me. She does like me, she does like to talk to me. She likes many things. We have speculated the idea of a ( distance of the long-ness ) relationship ( laugh if you wish ) and whether it'd be plausible. The answer to that is to be determined still...
Anyway, the thing is, after all she has said, she shows so little of it. You would think if you care for someone enough as you say, you would be on the gun for talking with them, actively sharing your day or thoughts without being asked, or something you can commonly hear two people do, but she does not do anything like that.
If I don't say anything one day, we won't talk.. most the time ( albeit I never give it more than a day or two because at that point I miss her. Clingy, right? ) Or, it seems almost any little thing she is occupied with, makes her completely indisposed. I know how that sounds.. but I am being fairly serious. I am on a ride or walking somewhere, I think of her, and am fully abled to talk, but it seems almost impossible in her eyes. However that is not always the case, there have been exceptions where she would still talk, like sending a voice message while almost running somewhere, so I guess it sorta makes that point invalid.
Also, she doesn't like to share a lot of anything that is... I don't want to say "intimate", but anything that just isn't publicly known.. now I can imagine " Well that is her decision you creep ", and yes I agree, but I have shared so much with her, and I didn't think it'd be unreasonable to expect similar from her. She's never told me to stop, or that's enough, she'll read it, or listen, however, if there is ever a point where her input is desired, she doesn't always give it. Sometimes she gives a totally acceptable response, other times though, she kind of just overlooks giving it on stuff. She knows I hate that, and I will ask her what was up with it, but that is when sometimes things will get tense and communicating is scarce, because I can't just sit her down with me and talk, you get upset with another this kind of scenario, you simply don't answer them because you made the person unhappy. Not in all cases where she just goes entirely, she may leave that moment but come back and then I will try to fix it, but sometimes... sort of like now, she avoids communication. In this special case however she has gone to the capital on a trip, so I don't expect a lot of talking from her, I myself would still try to give as much as I could.
To be perfectly honest, I am fairly certain it was my fault this time, for something petty. What is it you should ask? She said she was going to a club during the nights maybe on her trip ( which contradictory to something else, i will say later), and that bugged me, and my default response ..... made it obvious it rubbed me wrong. After a short spiel on why it did after she asked what, she simply said she was going for her run and that sorta started the communication cut. I've talked to her since then, said sorry, and tried to be cute and say like " take some pictures for me dear, please. " Can I be blamed though for it bugging me, even a little? The girl I care for ( who happens to be very attractive ) is going to a club, with the possibility of being full of horny, hounding guys.. or girls ( ?? ) that may want to hit on her, or more. We aren't in a relationship, so there are no ties from being a couple, but it just doesn't sit right with me. ( guy likes girl, girl likes guy, but still goes to places like that. I don't know what kind of club, but I am going to assume it's not some paradise place that keeps significant others at a peace of mind. ) Now simultaneously, I want her to be happy, have fun, and do what she wants. So, mentally I am at a crossroads, but in the end she is going to do whatever she pleases. I have a fair feeling she actually went the night this was done.
I said this is contradictory earlier, and that is because one time asking about her, she went on a short spiel on how she says shes a weirdo, and that she doesn't open up to anyone and just surrounds herself with books and no one else. She doesn't like being around others, but goes to a club... there are holes in her logic to me, that makes me question her honesty to me some. Or maybe I just over think it too much. I take this much more serious than what most people probably do.
I think I can finally start to wrap this up. If only I knew how to write like this in high school... ( bad time for humor? )
In the end, I care for this girl, I really do, more than I can realize probably, I just want to understand. About her, her thoughts, you know,things you would normally pick up in person I don't have the luxury to find out without asking. And to have the peace of mind knowing when she means something, knowing it's true. knowing they mean it when they say something. I've try to set that standard for myself.
For about 2 seconds, I pondered the thought that if she saw this, she'd maybe get why I say so much, or ask.. maybe it'd change things.. for the better in a perfect world. But then I remembered how bad of an idea that would be... But she is someone I trust telling anything to, which is a seldom thing, so hiding stuff isn't something I really do with her, you know?
One last point and I am done, I have this very small worry, that the only reason she said love, is because of her overjoy shortly before that I sent her roses. Yea, I had flowers sent to her, sue me. Apparently they brought tears to her eyes( of joy ), and she was pretty much glowing the rest of that day, overjoyed... and maybe a few days following where she felt overly affectionate, but now it wore off and she doesn't really care as much as she lead on... I hope this part is just wild speculation on my part, but I won't rule it out.
So, what do you all think, do you think she doesn't care, I'm just there for boredom sake, maybe she really does care, and I just don't have the proper way to always talk to her? Is every issue my fault for over thinking? Is her level of engagement appropriate? Do you think she could step it up, should I lower it? Something else entirely? Did the borg invade? ( Only some will get that... ) I'd like *nice* input on this. Helpful, uplifting, but fair. I think that'd be reasonable. But if the need to be absolutely rude and insulting is for you, then do so I suppose. If there is clear input on maybe how I could bring this up in a fair manner too, that'd be perfect. I want to talk to her about this, but in a way where she will sit and listen, and respond, not leave for few days making me spazz the hell out. Having other's insight on how to do it would be great. I may even try to convince her to a skype call again ( we've only done it twice, but once it has started they have gone well, smiles, laughter, goofyness, things I wish we could do more often. ) and maybe we can talk about it in real time. Sort of putting her on the spot, but it'd work.. That sounds mean I know. And no, I don't intend to actually show her this. Probably. Maybe. We'll see.
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read and have input. I will say, if your advice is " forget her ", that won't happen.... before this got more serious, I ... actually tried to put a bit of space, and it did not work. Plus, I don't want to honestly. I want a fix, not a quit.
Grazie!
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Razhie is right. Her level of engagement is appropriate. She is not taking this all 100% serious, especially since you've never met and there's little chance of that.
Hey it comes with the territory.
So does that mean there's something wrong for you to get so emotionally into an on-line relationship?
No, you are normal too, as both as the 2 possible actions people take in on line relationships.
Believe it or not, the emotional attachment occurs also in the online alternative sim world scenerios with avatars. All the avatars on the average look around 30 and most likely look nothing like the person behind the avi. A greater portion of people playing those sims are actually retired, old, ill, wheelchair or house bound people and yet, they get very emotionally attached to the point they marry and have on line avatar babies together. And I know an older lady who plays such a game and she freaked out when she didn't hear from a friend in over 5 days. He was on vacation with his wife in real life. And she thought he had died as he had medical issues.
LDR's and on line friendships are great if you can keep it in perspective. They will Never be on the same level with in -person relationships.
In fact, in my parents time, and half my life too, there was no computers. But the equivalent of LDRs then was writing letters and maybe trading phone numbers. My parents met that way. She flew from germany to be with him to marry him and finds he wasn't anything like what she thought and she's terrified and alone with no family around and decides to make the best of it and marry. They became best friends but were never really in love with each other. this is more often the scenerio. Its too easy to imagine to fill in the things you can not get with on line. Like what the chemistry in person feels like. there can be friendship chemistry but the other important factor is the sexual chemistry and that is what attracts one person to another in real life. You also don't have a chance to truly build trust. You can fool yourself into believing you have it on line, but since theres no way you can walk into such and such restaurant to see if she really went there with family to celebrate Moms birthday, for all you know, she could be out on a hot date with a guy there. You can never be 100% sure with solid facts that can be proven.
LDR's are safer if someone has been physically abused before, no one can reach you thru the pc screen and also safer in comparison to real life for girls not getting pregnant or folks catching an STD. It works great for people with commitment issues in real life. Other than than, its better to have an in-person relationship if you really want the commitment. Its too easy for one or the other to become bored with just pixel relationships or pixel sex for that matter if thats what a person goes for.
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She's in Romania. Her level of engagement in this is a normal, sane level for two people who are minors, living oceans apart, who don't actually know each other.
Your engagement with the fantasy that you've built up around her is the unhealthy part. You are treating this like a relationship. She is treating you like someone she cares for, but recognizing that a relationship is literally impossible.
What you are doing is more like online roleplaying than anything else. There is zero chance that this can be anything like a substantive relationship, for at least several years. As much as she may care about you, her maintaining healthy boundaries is a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do.
Also, I believe you've mentioned in previous questions that she has a boyfriend in Romania.
You have crafted a love story in your head and cast her in it. It's a fantasy that has very little basis in fact. You are hurting yourself. You are misleading yourself. She may be imperfect, but the main person driving your confusion and misery forward, is you.
You are expecting her to perform out your fantasy and calling it unfair when she doesn't. You are calling her mean, when she tries to enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries on your communication, and you are resenting her when she resists your efforts to engage in unhealthy and unrealistic ways.
Whatever her faults, the person with the power to stop this unrealistic, unsatisfying and fundamentally hurtful situation, is you.
Stop blaming her because you aren't getting what you want. She can't give you what you want, because what you want is a fantasy you've built up around her, not a possible reality. She's in Romania.
And stop engaging with her! You clearly cannot be reasonable about the actual nature of your current friendship with her, or respect her utterly sensible boundaries. You have expectations that aren't realistic, and are making yourself miserable. You are right, you probably wont forget about her for quite some time, but forgetting about someone will never happen as long as you continue to behave the way you are. No wound is ever going to heal if you keep on carving it open each day.
Do what she is doing: Get some space. Make some real connections with people around you. Enjoy your life.
Her behaviour may not be perfect, but your behaviour is what you can control. You want this friendship and connection to have any chance in the future at all, change your behaviour and change your expectations.
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Wow! Thanks for all the detail. It does help when get useful information.
I am an older adviser, I will let you know that up front so you know. The younger crowd may have a different type of answer for you.
I really, really think you need to see this girl as a friend and not as a love interest. I am NOT saying that can't change someday if circumstances were to change. I feel from what you have said that she isn't even close to wanting anything more than friendship right now. If you push it, she may just stop communicating with you altogether. I don't think that is what you want.
When you meet people on the internet you can become fast friends. But you really do not know each other. When you don't see someone on a daily basis & see how they react to other people, and other things, you just don't know them. You know only the good and only what they want you to see.
Maybe she has had a bad experience with this in the past, or maybe she is just being cautious as she should be. You should be too. She does not want to talk about personal things because you just do not so that with strangers on the internet.
I think you should continue your friendship (You can love your friends without being "in love" with them). In addition, you should date & socialize with girls that you know at home. It may be an incorrect picture, but I see you sitting at home waiting to talk to her on the internet, while she is out living her life. You need to get out & do that too.
I hope you meet someday & everything falls into place. Until that day, stay friends and find a girl close to home. If you push wanting a relationship with this girl, you are going to scare her off.
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