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Dad Just Crossed the Frickin' Line
What do you do when your dad, who is a crazy, ridiculous control freak tries to dictate who you marry? My dad is insane (I know that's disrespectful to say about your dad and I'm sorry), but he just doesn't want me to be able to run my own life. I've looked up the signs of an overly controlling parent on the internet and he has almost all of them.
I'm an adult (I'm 27) and he tries to control what I eat, what kind of car I drive, who I have as my friends, where and when I go to church, and other such things. Most irritatingly, he tried to control where I went to college, what classes I took, when I moved out of his and my mom's house, and what career path I chose. When I refuse to do as he says, he can have a giant fit and gets C-R-A-Z-Y. He makes me feel smothered and it's extremely unpleasant to be around him.
Now, what would you do if you had a father like this? What would you do if your boyfriend, who you love more than life, asked your father for your hand in marriage and your dad said no. He honestly believes he can stop me from marrying who I want to and I'm afraid of what will happen to our relationship when I go against his wishes.
If your dad just hated your boyfriend and insists that you two won't get married and knows you two are planning to get married against his will. He's threatened to put a stop to it, which he can't, but it's annoying that he thinks he can. It's also scary because he's the kind of guy who'd pull something like ruin the wedding IF he showed up at all. What would you do?
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Wow Talk about a Narcissistic parent, I am so sorry for you. There is not much you can do to change your dad. There are things you can do to help yourself. From reading your note to us I understand you don't live at home with him. That's good.
I'm also sure like most children you would like to honor your parents and have their blessing as you grow and mature in life. It is apparent to me this is not possible for you unless you do as your father tells you to do. Because of how your father is towards you; you are by all respects morally released from having to honor him in the way you might like to.
You are 27 legally an adult and do not have to answer to anyone but yourself not even your husband, legally speaking. Once again if you are in fear of your father there are things you can do legally to protect yourself.
Just because he is your father that does not give him inalienable rights of access to you. He cannot enter your home or workplace without permission the same is true for your wedding. If he is not invited, should you chose not to invite him and nothing says you must. Then he cannot attend the celebration the Church is a different story as it is a public place of worship.
What you can do to insure he stays away from you, if this is what you want. Is to go to the district court and file for an order of protection. From what you have written you live in fear of being harmed in some manner by him, physically or emotionally. This is sufficient cause to get an order of protection. If he violates the order of protection you can have him removed by the police.
I know this is not something you would want to do, it is not something I usually recommend as the only solution to a problem. Based on what you have written it is the only solution that guarantees your safety and protection from him. Discuss this with your fiancé and do what you think best.
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WOW, first of all im sorry your going through this. Its awful when a parent just cant get themselves together and act like a mature adult.
I dont know what you mean by "he gets crazy" but i hope you can fix this so that he behaves himself.
If he is the type of person that would potentially "try to pull something" as you put it at your wedding then i wouldnt chance it. Depending on how far off the wedding is, you might try staying calm and talking to him logically and saying "if your against my wedding then im sorry but i cant have you there, and i would be sad because i would hope that you would support me in this but im not going to let you ruin my special day"
let him stew on that for a while, and see how he starts acting, see if his actions start to change at all towards you. I would start with small statements here and there to get him thinking about the way hes acting.
Be a little firmer over time and make sure he knows that hes basically on probation from this point on if hes going to be allowed to be at your wedding. most importantly stay calm, dont feed into the BS and yell or show emotion back. usually overly emotionally people feed off your reaction so whatever you do just stay calm, show a blank face, and just stare and see how he reacts if hes surprised by that at all.
you could also try saying things in a very calm quiet manner, without ness. making eye contact but letting him know in a casual off handed way that "well if your going to act like this then...." and then add on to whatever it is you want to say.
If he wants to burn bridges with people that care about him then hes going to die alone and even more unhappy then he already is.
usually ill throw that one in there, in a calm manner while also letting them know that they are over reacting and are ruled by nothing but their emotions.
Tell him he needs to have conversations WITH you instead of at you, and to respectfully let you know when hes ready to do that and youll be open to it. Until then you may need to ignore him, move out with your boyfriend, stop taking his calls, or whatever to MAKE him see that whatever hes doing NOW isnt helping so he should probably stop.
good luck! and i hope it goes well!
congrats on getting married!
; )
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Is there a Mom? What does she have to say of his behavior? There's so much you said but I still dont know. Has he been this way the entire time of raising you or did it change when you became a teen and starting dating or when you became an adult. Do you still live at home with parents? Some people have a mental illness that causes them to be that way and you can not ever expect them to act differently Ever, unless they were diagnosed and got proper treatment. Others are just plain mean, and bitter people who enjoy making others miserable.
If this is the case, he will continue to treat you this way only if it works. Its like when growing up, the kids who tease and taunt you only continue to do so if they get the wanted response, your tears. With him, he must be still getting something out of it, he can sense or smell your fear of him maybe and thats enough reward to keep doing so, or somewhere in the past you've caved in to him too many times that you
have only enabled him to continue treating you this way because of the pay off. We cant choose our parents and we can get ones who are very flawed like this. The problem with an adult child taking control of a situation like this and taking the 'parenting role ' when the parent is unreasonable or even just elderly, is that it feels awkward, almost wrong for the child to have to be the "Adult" and tell the parent hows its going to be and set down the guidelines. But it has to be done dear, and it may sound harsh to you and ridiculous to an insult for him, but this is part of what being an adult is, having to handle sticky situations in relating to other people in your life, even a parent. I'm sure you want his approval but since thats not going to happen, you can ask for his respect or just stop associating with him.
It was a nice gesture for your intended fiancee to ask for your Fathers permission as a formality but in todays world, as you know, its just a formal cultural thing people do and real permission or ones blessing is not necessary. You want a husband though who will now have the same role you do, caring for each other to the point yu do whatever is needed to make sure your mate is happy. And if your Dad in the future mistreats you, your husband will need to stand up to him with you and also let him know that he doesnt appreciate Dad treating his wife like this and is he persists, then he's not welcome to see you or call or anything. Right now, thats what you need to do yourself. Set the boundary and if he crosses it as bratty children will do, there needs to be a consequence as parent usually have, like go to your room, no TV no dessert. You can't discipline Dad but you d have control of your life unless you give it to Dad. So take control and choose to not talk to him or be around him. If some day he has a a change of heart and wants to see you, give him a chance. people can change tho often dont. If he is a changed man, let him back into yuor life.
So if I were you, I'd go ahead with the wedding plans. If you want to take the chance of having Dad walk you down the aisle, ask him if he'd like to do that. If he says no, ask someone else you respect to do so, maybe another fatherly figure, an uncle, grandpa or even your father in law to be. Let Dad know that you will not have him ruining your wedding by being anything other than pleasant and smiling at your wedding. Let him know that the moment you or anyone else hear a derogatory comment or snide remark come from him that you have an emergency step in person to walk you down the aisle and have appointed two strong men to physically remove him from the church and call police if he doesn't leave the vicinity of the church. If he yells and curses from outside the church, it could still be disruptive to those inside. This is your ultimatum, much needed and you need to be prepared to carry through on it. If you don't then you are still setting the pattern of "I can mistreat and try to controll my daughter and never have to face consequences for it." And you dont want that to continue. When you have children, He can see the grandchildren only if you or hubby are there to monitor the situation and make sure he doesnt mistreat them verbally. The moment you dont approve of his behaviour or comments toward a child, it's time to tell him to leave or you leave depending where you are. Always have those ultimatums for him in each situation where you come face to face, birthdays, holidays, other family gatherings.
If Christmas is at parents home and he acts up, you'll be torn between wanting to enjoy the presense of everyone else and you'd be tempted to put up with controliing talk and then stay just that once. Unfortunately, to Dad, it will show him he has control if Holidays are at his house cus you can't ask him to leave his own house. So you have to be smart for the rest of your life and think it out, every gathering he's invited to, if at all, and make sure some Christmas's are held at your house where you can ask him to leave and if he doesn't, call police to remove him. Sounds extreme? Yeah, but if any other neighbor came to your house and began acting up and ruining the party for you and others, you'd ask them to leave and if they didn't, call the police to make them leave. Sorry you have to think every little detail out like this but I have past experience in my life with family like this so I know what must be done.
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