Brandi_S's advice column | Page 144

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Gender:

Female

Location:

Kansas

Occupation:

House wife, Mother, Local Loon

Age:

35

Member Since:

July 15, 2006

Answers:

3333

Last Update:

March 11, 2013

Visitors:

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Favorite Columnists

hitler_the_goat

about

I'm a mother of 2 boys who are 13 months apart. Talk about a handful. I'm a wife to the best husband I could have ever dreamed of.
I'm one of the very blessed.

I have Bipolar 1 Disorder. I hate taking all these medications and always going to doctors appointments, but life is too short to let mental illness get the better of me.

Often times life is a challenge, and nobody knows that better than me. I wake up wondering if this is going to be a day my illness overpowers my meds, and either sends me flying like a bat out of hell, or leaves me laying on the couch like a wet dish rag.

Thank all that is good in the world that I have an excellent support system at home.
I'm one of the lucky ones.

I'm honest, and that can either be a perk or s flaw. Depends on how you choose to look at it.
I like to see it as a perk, because it's better to hear the truth than to be told candy coated bullshit.

advice

Ok so, my best friend is going out with the boy i like and she knew i liked him..she would ask me everyday at lunch.."Do you still like Matt??" and every day i would awnser "Yes" and then she turns around and goes out with him what do i do???

I would talk to her about it. Ask her why she is going out with a guy you like, knowing you like him. Either a very dense friend, or a very disrespectful one.

does anyone know how i can convince my mom to let me get my lip pierced. im only 14 but i have wanted this for about a year now. and i dont wanna wait 4 more years until im 18.

All I know is that my folks wouldn't let me get my nose pierced until I turned 18. There was no mind changing what so ever. No meant no in the home in which I was brought up. I'm sure it's the same at your house.

Though I understand where you are coming from, I understand her angle too. She probably doesn't see a lip piercing as being "respectable," and honestly, you would be doing the right thing by respecting her wishes while you still reside in her home. I would suggest you wait the 4 years, then you don't have to answer to anyone, and your mom will be happy about it.

I strongly advise against doing it yourself in order to just defy your mom and get what you want. Number one, body piercings are to be done with special hollow needles from my own experiences. Number two, you could really mess yourself up- we're talking about your face, here. Body piercings should ALWAYS be done by a professional.

I don't know where you live, but in Kansas, you can't go into a place that does body piercings unless you are 16 and accompanied by a parent/guardian. (Excluding ear piercings) Reason being, they need to photo copy a legal driver's licence for state records.

long sorry=/ im just so confused.
16/f
I have 3 best friends. They are the main people i hang out with. I have lots of friends but never seem to see them outside of school. But anyway, heres the thing, one of them moved 3 years ago, and the other doesnt go to my school anymore but we see eachother sometimes. And then the last friend, We have been friends for about 2 years. But im wrried i dont wanna be friends anymore. She is always leaving me out of things for other people, one minute she will be fine the next she will be a bitch to me. We get in fights monthly. She is always treating me like crap and other people see it, i dont know how many times a day i get 'how do you deal with her''why are you still friends''shes horrible to you', but the thing is when she isnt like that we have such a good time together. Pluse she is all i have left. Past few years i have chaged alot and been threw alot and she was the ony one there for it. If i lost her noone would be there. What should i do? I cant stand how she treats me but when i dont talk to her i feel so alone, shes all i got and i cant imagine not being friends with her.

To make a long story short- she is not your friend. Friends aren't sweet one minute and a bitch the next. Her being that way to you is the same as her using you for a rug to wipe the mud off of her feet when it rains outside.

If I were in your shoes, I would do some searching for real friends who respect you and your feelings. No friendship is worth sticking around and putting up with that.

Okay, so I'm a 14 year old female. There's this guy in one of my classes, and he's a junior, so he's probably 16-17. Since the beginning of the year, he has always paid "special attention" to me, like teasing me and stuff. I even recall a while back in October-ish, I was walking in the hallway afterschool, l and he was with his friend, and he stopped to talk to me for no reason at all. Back then, I thought he was kinda hot but never seriously considered him as a potential bf because a guy 2 years older than me having a crush on ME? The notion was impossible.

But as time went on I noticed more and more hints being dropped by him..for example, he always holds open doors for me and makes a huge scene of it "HERE, [myname], LADIES FIRST!". And when any of his friends try to talk to me, he instantly turns and stares at me. Whenever I talk to HIM, he stares right at me and gves me this huge grin.

Now, he's always like looking at me in class, especially when I talk to any guys. But I don't know if I'm just imagining the signs or if he teases me just to look cool in front of his friends. Or maybe he's just a friendly guy.

Oh, let me add some more details about us, I guess. I gave him a present over christmas break (it was just a card lol) and he seemed to really like it, he had this big smile on his face. And he's always telling me how nice I look. Also, I'm the girl he talks most to in class (this isn't much though, because there arent a lot of other girls in the class and all the girls are freshmen) I expect HIM to tell ME if he likes me or not, because he's a junior, and if I say no to him (which I wouldnt), it shouldnt be a big blow to his ego. But he keeps on dropping hints that he likes me as something..more. That's where I'm getting confused. Luckily there's a winter formal coming up on the 9th that he can ask me to AND valentine's day 5 days later. Think I should ask him to the dance?

oh and there was also this time in December, when we had free time in class and him and his friends were talking about THE basketball game of the season, and suddenly the guy turned to me and asked me if I was going. I told him I wasn't, and he asked, "why not?" Of course, me being STUPID and MISSING the hint, I said "i'm kinda busy," when I really wasn't (i was completely and totally free!!), because I was embarassed at being singled out like that. If i were smart i would've said "no, because I can't get a ride". and he mightve invited me to come. sorry it's so long T_T

Just because he is a couple of years older, doesn't mean he doesn't have an interest in you. It sounds to me that he does. Maybe he is not too shy to hint around, but too shy to come right out and say it.

I would say that if he shows this much interest in you on a daily basis, your chances are high of him accepting an invite to go to the dance together. I would ask him to the winter formal, then you may be able to have a date to both dances.

I am 28 now, graduated from high school 10 years ago. I am taking part in planning our high school reunion and I was looking through my old yearbooks, for phone numbers and stuff. I came across a note from a guy I always knew was in love with me, but he was a nerd so I never gave him a chance. I was good friends with him, when no one was looking. I always kinda had a crush on him too, but could never go there. I remember him writing this note, but I guess I never really looked into it.

Here is what he said in 11th grade:

"Well, what a crazy year! It went by too fast. By the way, the reason why I didn't go to the prom was because I didn't know how I could handle seeing you with your date. Oh well, I have to live with that now. I'm sure you kow my feelings about you. But I know you just want to be friends. I can handle that. Until then, see you in my dreams. Your Imzari, Rob"

He never would tell me what Imzari meant, and of course none of my friends knew. And this was before you could just look up anything on the internet :)

Here is what he said senior year:

"I really can't say anything more. I guess I have already said it all. See you in 20 years. Love, Rob"

I spoke with him maybe twice since then. We have both grown up and got married. I am happy, but I do sometimes think of him.

I looked up what Imzadi meant today, it means soulmate, beloved, first. It's roots are in fantasy but it's conception is in the soul. How deep is that?? Oh my god, it made me cry! I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me!

My question is, what do I do when I see him? I want to tell him that I was sorry for letting my social status get in the way of how he felt about me and how I secretly felt about him, and I want to tell him that I looked up the word Imzadi and I know what it means. We are both married, and I am happy- I am not looking to leave my husband or anything, I love him. But I am wondering if it is appropriate to say those things, or maybe I should just leave it alone. Maybe I should just give him a hug and say how happy I am to see him. I really do want him to know that I am sorry, and that I looked up that word. I just don't want to cause any problems.

What do you think???

I think I would tell him that the things he said to you in highschool were really touching. I would tell him you finally know what that word means, and you really appreciate that he felt that way about you. I would tell him that you are sorry you never saw him for the man he was back then, but time marches on. It was something that just wasn't meant to be, and you know that because you are each happily married.

Other than that, I would say no more on the subject. No need to make excuses for yourself. He knows that your social status was a factor, and he obviously accepted it. That's just how high school life is.

We all move on. We all grow up. We all make mistakes, and learn from them if we're lucky. Life goes on.

I have this assignment for my English class (related to Cyrano, if you've ever read it) where I have to somehow obtain 9 insults.

I've come up with one:

If Vogue ever does an ugly issue, you'd be on the front cover.

I am having a really hard time with these. If anyone can help, please do!

Oh, and no "your mom" jokes, and no fat jokes.

Please help; I've actually put in hours of sitting in front of a blank page.

Thank you!

Guess what? Only 345,267,523 more days left until I actually care what you think.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

It's not your smell that bothers me, it's the burning of my eyes.

And my ultimate favorite:

I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet.

I am 15 years old and I have a wonderful boyfriend just that my parents do not know. The reason why I can't tell them is because me being Nigerian I must date Africans only, but he is white and I am so confused because he thinks that I'm do not trust him because I never introduced him to my parents but he has introduced his parents to me. The problem is that I know my Dad will not approve and my Mom just agrees with him and I have to lie to them that I'm meeting my friends at the mall to go out wit him and I hate lying to them. I have no reason for them not to trust me because I am really smart and always been good so I really need help.

Well, sadly, we can't change how others think.

Have you explained to your boyfriend how your parents are, so that he understands the real reason why you haven't introduced them? If you haven't, you should. I'm quite sure he will understand.

Don't let him feel mistrust for you over the way your parents think. That isn't fair to you or him.

I wanted to show my best friend how much i loved her so i wrote her a short poem instead of sending it to her e-mail i send it to these girl i just met at church.Her reply was so touching.She said things my own best friend hasnt told me yet.I feel more connected to her then i do to my best friend and it isnt just cuz her reply.Unlike my best friend she actually makes me feel loved.This has left me confused and with many douths.How do i tell my best friend thah im not so sure if i love her anymore without hurting her or making her hate me?

Just because she isn't as good with words as this other girl, doesn't mean she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her. People show love differently.

14/f
Im in grade eight and well you know how everyone is like "being yourself is the best way to be" or whatever? well... i think i may be, like, too much myself or something. Because i just wear what i think is comfortable and stuff, and i try to act how i really am, but then i think- if im TRYING to act who i really am, doesnt that defeat the point in the first place? trying to be something? Well im sorry if you dont understand. but at the beginning of the year i just decided to not worry at ALL what people thought and it would help me make more friends. But all it has seemed to do is make people mean to me and stuff. I know i shouldnt worry about that kind of stuff but I just do. So im just wondering can you be TOO laid back and "yourself" at school and stuff?

Gee, younggrandma could probably tell you how familiar that sounds to her, because you sound like me back in the day.

I tried to act who I really am, because I went out of my way to prove how different I was from all of the look-a-like/act-a-like people I went to school with. Sometimes it's harder to be yourself. Sometimes it takes work to not be a follower.

I don't think there is such a thing as being too laid back at school, if you are a laid back person. Is this who you really are? Be who you really are. If others act mean to you about it, then they are jerks not worth your time and friendship to begin with. Their opinions don't matter, anyway.

Ever since my bro entered high school I was really lonely. We had been really close and stuff, and I never thought that we would ever grow further apart. So when my mom mentioned that we might adopt a child (not just cuz i was lonely but they had been considering adoption for a while) i got excited. I waited everyday to come home and hear what happened today with the caseworkers or whatever. After a few years, we got the news that there was a girl in my state who was four years younger than me. I was overjoyed that I was going to have a new little sister. I had always been the younger sister before. Well as time passed we found she had some serious emotional problems. She used to be so violent towards me, because she needed ALOT of attention, and she wanted it all to herself. So really, she needed to be in a family with no other children. But anyways, she hit me with metal chairs and stabbed me with sticks, yet for some odd reason, i liked it. Well, i didnt like the pain sometimes, but its hard to explain. My parents were worried about me cause they didnt know what kind of effect she was putting on me. I dont know why i continued to love her so much, but i guess anyone would. But when i look back now, two years later, it makes me cringe. Now, i hate that this experiance ever happened and i want to erase it from my life, but obviously, i cant. It hurts me so much to know that i hurt a girls life because we made her move one more time. After eight months of living with us, she had to go to a new family. And my parents tell me that "we helped her find a new family that was better for her" but that doesnt help. I just dont want to ever remember that this happened. Can someone help?? Im sorry its so long. By the way, everyones told me to join clubs and stuff to help me move on, and I have. im in three different sports. But i just need some way to not hurt so bad inside. Thanks for your help!!

I would wager that she has had a rough past to have emotional problems to such extremes. Sounds like the poor kid was pretty messed up.

You have a very good heart to have loved her so much after she was violent towards you. She needed and demanded a lot of attention, yet you loved her. She was a little kid with some serious inner issues, and you loved her never the less.

I'm not saying that you should put up with abuse out of anyone, ever. But I am saying that your heart was definitely in the right place. That is a good thing.

Your parents are right in what they tell you. Keep in mind, you were a loving, understanding foster sister. You tried to give her the affection and attention she needed until she could get into a home that could better provide for her special needs.

You didn't hurt a girls life here. You may have been the brightest thing to enter her life up to that point. And now that she is a part of a family better suited for her needs, her life will maybe only get brighter.

In the future, she will probably look back to the time she spent with your family and remember how much you cared about her.

You aren't a bad person at all. You are a good one.

So im the type that always gives all my friends advice and now im the one in need.

My boyfriend and I had a fight 2 days ago.
And he emailed me saying he loved me and he was sorry.
And i dont want to lose him.
But im scared maybe this might be it.

what do i do?
I need him.

He emailed you and said he was sorry about the fight. I don't think you are going to lose him as of yet.

However, I do think that apologies and terms of endearment should be said face to face. I sure hope he says "I'm sorry and I love you" to your face next time he sees you.

my hair is very dry, and kind of thick. im sure there are a lot of people with the same problem. but i was wondering, what do you think is the best shampoo for me to use? like, to hydrate my hair and actually repair it, instead of causing it more damage. thanks =)

Dove, Pantene, Aussie. Your hair sounds like mine, those are the shampoos and conditioners I use.
Try getting a deep conditioning treatment- Pantene has those leave-in conditioners in the gold and white tubes, they are kind of pricey, but worth the money spent. Choose the one best suited for your hair type.

How can achieve the curly hair i want? My hair is naturaly wavy but has started becoming dull & straight from past straighteners i used. Geling my hair is completely out of the question (i think it makes hair look oily, messy, and just all around gross)! I tired a variety of mousses and shampoos but nothing seems to work! The only way i can "kind of" get my hair to look curly is if i sleep with braids (but that isn't the look i'm going for). So please help me, is there anyway i can get my hair to look nice, full, thick, and cury/wavy without it getting tangly and knotty! I don't have enough time to sit there and actually curl my hair with a curling iron but it you have a good iron to suggest please tell me or even other shampoos, conditioners, & secret tips! Thank-you so much :]

My suggestion? Make yourself an appointment at a salon to get the best deep conditioning treatment they have going. The straighteners have damaged your hair from repeated use. You need to get the heath back into your hair. It's too dry and/or over processed. Mine gets the same way.

Lisa(not her real name) likes Tommy(not his real name) for 2 years,Tommy likes me(he told me im not concetied) and I like him however I cant go out with tommy b/c lisa likes tommy and lisa is MY best friend and im the only one who know she likes him but Tommy doesnt no Lisa likes him b/c he only thinks of her as a sister and doesnt like her but i like him but i dont no what to do?

If she has liked him for 2 years, I don't know if I would go for him, since she is your best friend. But it is a choice that is up to you to decide.

If she just sort of liked him, it would be different, but she must really like this guy.

Though he doesn't feel the same way about her as she feels about him, for you to go out with him would be stepping on her toes, and she will most likely be very hurt and harbor hard feelings toward you about it.

But, she may get over it.

If you really like they guy, talk to her about it. Be sure that if she says that she doesn't mind, she isn't saying so just to make you happy. If she is, she will still be hurt and have hard feelings.

Friends should always respect each others feelings. Yah, she should respect yours, but you should respect hers first in this situation, because she has had feelings for this guy long before you.

However, you ARE entitled to your happiness. If this guy will truly make you happy, then go for it. But, if you have a shred of doubt, don't risk a dear friendship.

does any one know the poem "the kitchen shears speak" by christianne balk i have to write what the poem means and what its talkin about and what primary literary technique she used in this poem please i need help its so confussing but if your will to give it a try here is the poem

This division must end.
Again I'm forced to amputate
the chicken's limb; slit the joint,
clip the heart, snip wing from back,

strip fat from flesh, separate
everything from itself. I'm used,
thrown down by unknown hands,
by cowards who can't bear to do

the constant severing. Open and close!
Open and close. I work and never tell.
Though mostly made of mouth, I have no voice,
no legs. My arms are bent, immobile

pinions gripped by strangers. I fear
the grudge things must hold.
I slice rose from bush, skin from muscle,
head from carrot, root from lettuce,

tail from fish. I break the bone.
What if they join against me,
uncouple me, throw away one-half,
or hide my slashed eye? Or worse,

what if I never die? What I fear
most is being caught, then rusted rigid,
punished like a prehistoric
bird, fossilized, and changed

into a winged lizard, trapped while clawing
air, stuck in stone with open beak.

Kind of a "life through the eyes of a pair of kitchen scissors" poem.

I don't know what the first line means. "The division must end." Maybe the shears are tired of cutting things up? Yet, at the end, it fears being left to rust. That would be out of lack of use. I am at a loss on that one.

"I'm used, thrown down by unknown hands, by cowards who can't bear to do the constant severing." The cowards are the people who use the shears, maybe they are cowards because they can't bear to do the work with their bare hands?

"Open and close! Open and close. I work and never tell. Though mostly made of mouth, I have no voice, no legs. My arms are bent, immobile
pinions gripped by strangers." Of course this is the body of the shears. It is mostly a mute mouth, made from the two blades. The useless arms are are the handles.

"I fear the grudge things must hold." This may be due to the things the shears are used to cut- plants and animals. Maybe it's fear is that we are cruel, because to cut a flower, and to cut up a chicken is cutting off their lives for our own purposes.

The last is like the end of a pair of shears. Either they break and become useless, or they dull and get set aside to freeze up with rust and become inoperable. They don't die, they just end up no longer able to serve their purpose.

I don't know if this is what the author is really meaning. It is just my opinion I gather from reading it. I may be right, but I may be wrong.

I’ve been brought up by a religious family. This October, I had this epiphany where I realized that I don’t believe in god.
Now, I’m a little obsessed with death. Not my own death, but the death of people I love. I function normally but when I think about someone close to me dying, I get really depressed because I realize that once they’ll die, I’ll –never- see them again.
It’s come to the point that every day, I think about death at least once and every time I hug my mother (who I love more than anyone in the world), I feel so scared because I know that at some point she’ll die and I won’t ever be able to look at her again. I keep trying to add up how old she is and compare it to the average life expectancy and count how many years she has left and I keep hoping I’ll die before her. It isn’t just her either, I’m really afraid of my sister dying or my close friends dying too.
At first, I thought it was a phase and that I would come to accept it but it’s been four months and it doesn’t seem to be going away. I also a little OCDesque, I’m obsessed with germs and I rinse a lot. Do you think I should go to counseling or will it fade? I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to go through a week without thinking about people dying.
Also, please don’t try to recruit me to your religion. That’s not what I’m looking for and I don’t want any of those messages. I will rate you very low for them.

So I guess trying to convert you to the Space Alien's Protoplasm Worshipers League is out of the question? No, seriously, just trying to get you to crack a smile. :D

I don't know that this is just a passing thing.

FACT: No one knows what will become of us when we die. It is a human nature to fear the unknown. That's where beliefs come into play.

FACT: Everyone is going to die. Yes, it's scary, and yes it's sad, but there is no way around it.

It boils down to this: It makes it really hard to enjoy those around us in life when we worry about them leaving us in death. It makes it really hard to overcome the grief of a death when you worry so much about their dying.

You talk most of your mother, lets talk about her.

You don't want to die before her. Any parent will tell you that they are supposed to go before their children. I believe that is due to when the child dies first, the grief is virtually unbearable for the parent. I have witnessed this with my own eyes, within my own family. It has been 20 years, and they still carry that grief within their hearts.

You don't want to hug her and think about her dying. You want to hug her and be thankful that she is still there now. Her death is inevitable, but you have to be willing to let go of that worry and hang on to the joy of her life yet to come. The same goes for any loved one.

Someday, she will be gone. You know that, I know that, she knows that. But maybe you can give yourself a daily reminder that today isn't someday yet. She is still here for you to hug. When she is gone, she will still be with you, because she will live on in your heart.

Yes, counseling may be in order to help you overcome this obsession, because you need to try to overcome it indeed.

It may also help for you to sit down with your mother and talk about your feelings on death with her. Mothers understand more than you would ever realize.

I am 29 yrs old. I dont have any friends.I have a wonderful boyfriend who is very outgoing and confident.Every now and then he says I need to make some friends. I cant. What do I do, call some girl up and say will you be my friend?? How cheesy. I go out with him where his friends hang out but no one engages conversation with me.They do for a minute then go. I am an attractive person that is not the problem. But how does someone who was abused as a child, not allowed to have friends, phonecalls or sleepovers, and a 10 year marriage where I was not allowed to work or have friends, change and get friendships. It seems so out of reach for me.Help!!!

I agree with Sabine, you need to overcome your abusive past so it stops interfering with your happy future.

A good way to make friends? Join in on group volunteer activities in your area. That is a good way to meet new people- good people- and feel good about yourself for doing something worth while for your community.

Examples would be getting involved with youth groups, reading to the elderly in nursing homes, helping in shelters for the needy, etc.

Something on the same order you could be extremely helpful with is volunteering with organizations who reach out to abused and battered women and children. You can make others feel better by letting them know that they aren't alone and they CAN get out of it. You can make yourself feel better knowing you helped some one who is walking in your old shoes.

There is no law that says you have to make friends within your boyfriend's social group. But you can feel good knowing you have friends who appreciate you and the things you do. Those, my dear, are real friends.

is it normal for part of your tongue to feel numb after getting it pierced? the tip and part of the left side of my tongue have felt slightly numb for about 4 days now.

16/f

From my personal experience with it, I would say not normal. I had swelling and it was sore for about a week, but no numbness. Call the professional who did it and ask what you should do.

Hi im 14 male,i was wondering,how old would most parents say you should be before your girlfriend could sleep over,like in the same room/same bed.I know some parents are strict, but what would most parents say is old enough?
Thanks,
Please Anwser

and its not to have sex...its just to cuddle with eachother and to kiss eachother goodnight..

Well, my mom and dad say NEVER. I'm 28 years old, you know. It is a respect thing not to share your room/bed with your sweetie under their roof.

ihad sex about three weeks ago and he used a condom. But i usualy have my period either the 20th-21st of every month and this month i missed it.

*im pretty sure the condom didnt break but when he pulled out the condom was like half way off.

so my question is should i take a test tomorrow ( which is kinda what i was planning on doing ) or do i just wait?

thanks

Well, you could take the test, but you are only, what? 4 days late? At times you are going to have an abnormal period. If I were you, I'd save my money for at least another 5 days if you are a teen. If you still haven't had your period, get tested then.

What if you test tomorrow and come up with a false negative because not enough of the pregnancy hormone is in your urine yet? That does tend to happen...

I do think it is cause for worry, just don't jump the gun yet, is my advice. I'm pregnant at 28, and I waited a week to test, even though I'm never late. I wanted to know, but I wanted to know as accurately as possible.

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