(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
ok so I just had a baby 4 months ago and shes just my life. but ever since now i've been wanting another one. I wanted a boy in the first place but I didn't get what I wanted. even though I'm happy with my little girl I want a boy now. but when I had my daughter I had a c section with her even though I wanted a vaginal birth. It just didnt work out the way I wanted it to. So I want another baby I just dont want to have a c section again. I was wondering if anyone thinks this is weird that I want another one. and if anyone has gone through this same situation. Is it possible for me to have a vaginal birth if i did have another one? I'm thinking the reason I had a c section is because I drank olive oil to induce my labor early. I got sick and thats why I had a c section. If i wouldn't have drank it does that mean maybe I could have had a vaginal birth. I don't know. My whole family had vaginal births and they thought it was weird that I had ac section. so what are the chances this time. I mean i have read up on it. and there is a chance I can have a vback. But I was wondering if its wrong to have another baby right now. I know my daughter would be a little over a year old when I would have the other. but has anyone gone through this. I need advice!!!!
The Answer
EDIT:
I am sorry I upset you, but I hope you can see that you didn't say anything about waiting three years, or even a month! Your question makes it sound as though you were planning on going ahead and trying to conceive right away.
You asked "I was wondering if its wrong to have another baby right now" Not, "is it wrong to have another baby in a year?" You also said that you knew that “my daughter would be a little over a year old when I would have the other”, and that also implies that you meant to get pregnant a bit sooner then I've been told most doctors would recommend.
Many people would tell you "No, 4 months after a caesarean might too quick to have another baby. Talk to your doctor."
Asking medical questions online is always tricky, but it's much easier for everyone if you are clear about what you plan to do.
END EDIT.
You need the advice of a doctor, not us. Don't do too much online research. Lots of things online aren't reliable. Talk to a doctor about the risks and possibilities.
The only one who can tell you what your caesarean means for your next pregnancy in a doctor. Most women are able to give birth naturally after a caesarean, but not all. It depends on the reasons, and on the unique experience of each pregnancy.
You also should talk to your doctor about how long you should wait until you try and get pregnant again. It could be very dangerous to attempt to get pregnant right away. Generally it's recommended you wait 6 to 9 months after you give birth to try and conceive again. If a vaginal birth is really important to you, you might be advised to wait even longer. Caesareans take years to heal completely.
Please have a serious conversation with your doctor. It's risky to induce labour without a doctors guidance, and risky to try and get pregnant too soon after giving birth. Take a deep breath, and give your body the time it needs to do things naturally. It's not wrong to want another child, but it might be wrong to act on that want right away. Take some time and enjoy your little girl.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
When I was a teenager (almost 25 years ago) I had a boyfriend for 3 years. he was the only one I ever truly was "in love" with. All others after him seemed like love but it was never the same. We broke up because he cheated on me. But his excuse was he was "practicing" for me. It was lame. I was stubborn and hard headed and never forgave him. Over the years all of my bad decisions, and mistakes were because I still always loved him and still wanted to be with him. But he moved away and I thought it was too late. All these years I longed for him, dreamed about him, cried for him. I recently sent him a card because a family member passed away. I met him for coffee when he was in town and we talked for hours. We have been emailing ever since....and discovered we are both still in love with each other. It seems time has stood still. My heart just aches. I dont know what to do. We are both married. I cant break up my family, and I wouldnt want his wife or my husband to get hurt. What do I do. I cant stop writing him, I cant let him go again.
The Answer
You must stop writing him and you must let go of this story you’ve been telling yourself for years.
You abandon reality a long time ago in favour of the story you tell yourself: The story where there was only ONE GUY, who you REALLY LOVED, and no one else has ever matched up.
And no one else ever did measure up, because you decided years ago that it was impossible for anyone too. You made the story you told yourself into the truth of your life. You wrote it in blood and carved it into your soul. It’s the ‘truth’ you choose for yourself, but it is not the truth that must be.
End your contact, and seek therapy to help you work through this inner monologue you've clung to for 25 years. Continue contact with him and you will damage your family eventually, guaranteed, and this destructive story you’ve created for yourself will only become more and more powerful and will continue to rule your life.
It’s time to take your life back into your own hands, see the world for what it is, and out the lousy novel you’ve written yourself into.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
17/f and 16/m
my boyfriend and i have been going out for 8 months.. technically 9, and we havent done anything sexual. i mean, we have made out and hes felt me up but we havent gone farther than that. im waiting until im older to have sex, preferably married or engaged and he wants to wait too.
but heres the thing, when people ask me if ive had sex yet, and i say no.. they act all surprised and are like, WHY NOT?!! ITS BEEN 8 MONTHS, THATS SO LONG!!
even my parents think ive done sexual things with my boyfriend, and i HAVENT. ive never done anything sexual with anyone. why doesnt anyone believe me? and also, i get honesty box messages on facebook that say, "i dont know why your boyfriend is still with you if you havent given it up to him yet." [from boys]
am i not normal? i dont care if i am or not, its not going to change my mind on having sex or doing other sexual things, but i dont know. any advice or anything would be helpful, thanks.
The Answer
EDIT//
Sorry. Your additional information doesn't change my advice. If you insist on telling people anything at all about you sex life, you are basically given them permissino to tell you thier opinion. You can't control what they THINK, or what gossip and shit they talk behind your back. There is no way to stop that, not ever in life. The only thing you have slightest bit of control over is what they feel free to SAY. Shutting them up a bit is the best you can hope for.
//EDIT
So, why are telling people anything at all about your sex life...
The correct response to inquiries about whether or not you've had sex with your boyfriend is "None of your beeswax!"
Stop getting your panties in a knot about other people's thoughts. You can't control other people's thoughts, however, if you don't want to talk about this with judgemental and nasty people, end those conversation immediately with a swift "Sorry, my sex life with my boyfriend is personal. It's just not something I talk about with anyone."
Talk to your boyfriend about this. Talk to him about two things: One, what are his feelings about this? Does it upset him or bother him? And Two, get him on board with your “No more talking about our sex lives except with our closest friends” and ask him to ask his closest friends to keep it to themselves.
You’ve got too many people who have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship voicing their opinions. You can’t change it that they HAVE opinions and thoughts and judgements. But working together with your boyfriend you can encourage them to keep them to themselves.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hey, so, I have this boyfriend who I've been going out with for about 3 months now. He's the sweetest guy I've ever met and a die hard Christian. I go to church with him every Wednesday night, and our friends tag along. I've been a Christian for most of my life, but there was this period during middle school where I wasn't exactly sure if it was really the right thing for me. I think I may still have a few doubts, but I go with him anyway because all our friends go to, and I figure it might change my mind eventually. However, my boyfriend keeps pressuring me to get saved and give my life to Christ, but I don't think I'm ready for it yet. I've told him multiple times that I feel like he's pushing me into it, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Now it's gotten to the point where I either do it, or he breaks up with me. I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment. I love this boy, and I have no clue what to do. Any suggestions?
The Answer
Dump him first?
I'm sorry, I know that isn't helpful, however, a guy who will dump you (or even threaten to dump you) because you are acting in accordance with your own conscience, and trying to be respectful of his beliefs, and honest about yours, is an immature, controlling, brat who deserves a swift kick in the ass. He has no say over your spiritual life, and it's very wrong of him to behave this way.
If this is how he behaves after three months, can you imagine what he might try to blackmail you into doing after three years? Would he dump you for dressing wrong? Would he dump you if you choose the wrong college? The wrong friends? Would you live in constant fear of being ditched by him each time you don't do what he thinks is right?
That's not a boyfriend, that's a bully.
If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who isn't 'saved', that is his right, and he should end the relationship. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who tries to bully you into their particular brand of religious conversion, that is your right, and you should dump him.
I'm am less optimistic then Peeps. I doubt you'll be able to talk him out of this extreme stance. The fact that he is taking such a hardline position, and so early in your relationship, makes me think he wont be budging from it. Unfortunately, the two of you are just incompatible right now. You should probably end this relationship because he is not respectful of you, or your personal growth, and because he is demanding something you can't (and shouldn't) give him.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
So I am in love with my boyfriend. Its going to be 1 year this valentines day. Things are very good between us, and he is convinced were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I am 18 years old, he is 26. You see a problem there? At first I thought he was crazy when he said it but hes just so sure were gonna get married that hes starting to convince me of it.
Me, being the young, less experienced one want to believe that it will work out. I want to believe that everything will be perfect between us. Yet theres still so much I haven't experienced in life. He's doing his last 4 years of school, I'm starting my first 4 years. He's dated so much its almost ridiculous,and I've barely dated at all.
He says that because he's dated so much he KNOWS that I am all he ever wanted. He loves everything about me etc etc. He loves that I am pure. Well its my lack of experiences thats making me so.
Regardless of the fact, whats also true is I love him. I need him. I want to be the one for him. I am just so afraid that our age difference is going to tear us apart.
I'm very inquisitive all the time and curious because I love knowing what he thinks about everything. He says that I ask the same questions but thats because I get different answers all the time. He's more direct in his thinking. He says he doesn't see the point in me asking the same question when the answer is so plain obvious. Says its repetitive. I tell him it's because I think too much. Maybe it is, but I like getting him to think about things. He needs to understand me better in that way.
I guess my question is what do you guys think about this whole deal? I need some sort of opinion because I seem to be the only one who is thinking ahead and seeing both of us getting hurt. I am probably just scared, yet somehow, something doesn't feel right about this. However, I cannot even begin to finish that thought because we are both going to get hurt immensely if it doesn't work out. And hes been hurt so much before that I don't know if he can handle it. I know I barely can. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on the matter? Sorry if it was really long...
The Answer
I can't read minds, admittedly, but you asked for thoughts, so here is what I see between the lines of your question:
One. Your spid-y sense in tingly and you doubt the ability of this relationship to endure your maturing and changing life.
Two. You are seeking reassurance from him, and his insisting 'You are the one!' isn't really reassuring. You want an expanded dialogue of hopes and fears and plans. He doesn’t see the value in that communication; he doesn’t want to examine his feelings or behaviours, which leaves you punching a brick wall for depth he doesn’t have or at least, doesn’t want to express.
Three. You are dating a rather dependant, black-and-white kind of guy, who doesn’t want to look too deeply at his feelings or behaviour, but simply announces things as facts and stands by them forever. This means he is likely a bit immature and stagnant, and not able to recognize your stress and motivation to grow and evolve as a person. The fact that you doubt his ability to handle a break up, tells me he’s not as mature as he ought to be by 26, and you probably try to ‘protect’ his black-and-white world view in many other ways as well. That’s a big problem. You should never put yourself in a position where you defend your partner from the real complexities of life and other people.
Four, and finally. You don’t actually know what you want. Which is cool. I’m 25 and have got sort of decent idea of what I want... At eighteen I barely knew what kind of mattress I preferred, let alone what kind of man.
I could be way off base here, but honestly I don’t think I am. You might care very much for him, but if this is a relationship you are finding it difficult to grow in mature in as a person, if you are finding he can’t accept, let alone respect and appreciate, your doubts and your need for dialogue, then maybe you need a break. This isn’t entirely an age-difference thing. You could be the same age and running into the same problems. In fact, I once dated a guy a year or two younger than me who was much like you’ve described: he liked life just the way it was, and was resistant and scarred when I expressed my desire to grow and learn or have conversations with him about the future. It was threatening to him, and I tried to push down my own doubts and thoughts to protect him from it.
Age differences can work out, so you shouldn't be panicking based on that. Even if nothing else I've said resonates with you, ignore the age issue for a moment and look at the actual behaviour of the two of you in your relationship, and decide based on just that what is going on, and if it’s any good.
In the end, if you can’t have personal development inside the relationship, you will find you need to get out of it. If you are afraid that you are doing something like what I’ve described here, you probably are.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
my younger sister is 16 years old. now, i'm not on the greatest terms with her because we have pretty much nothing in common; she follows the crowd 100%, i ahve a mind of my own.
BUT her following the crowd is getting seriously out of hand. she smokes (she even stole my ID once to buy cigarettes), drinks, does drugs (yes, i know this is pretty much typical high school behavior >_< don't lecture me ont hat part), does graffiti, constantly lies to my parents about where she's going, and is pretty much a slut. I know this may be harsh, but she hooks up with a new guy every other day, wears VERY inappropriate clothing (doing everything she can to show off her boobs / ass), etc. and she doesn't even know most of the people she hangs otu with; she meets them on myspace or something and THEN hangs out with them. and she does all of this because she thinks it's the COOOL thing to do :\
anyway, moving on. nothing my parents seem to do WORKS. she's been caught with almost everything I listed above, but nothing's changed her ways. the thing is, they'll come down on her harshly the day theyf ind out, but in two or three days, she's back to normal and they leave her alone. sometimes they actually REMEMBER she's punished, but that doesn't work, either. after the punishment's over, she reverts back to her old self. (she's been caught shoplifting once, and police involvement pretty much stopped her from stealing)
So, recently, I've been thinking of "telling on her" to the police. (Not for ALL the shit she does, maybe the least serious one) I just feel that if the cops were involved, the scare might actually make her rethink things. I feel it may be the ONLY way for her to learn her lesson.
But of course, this'd have some serious ramifications.
1) negative impact on her future (colleges / jobs dont' really want a criminal there)... but then again, the stuff she does now can definitely impact her future (STDs, addictions, etc.)
2) kill my family's reputation. we'd all be judged because she's been arrested or something. my parents would be seen as bad parents for not being able to curb her behavior themselves, for raising such a child, etc. and i'd be known as the criminal's sister.
3) etc.
anyway, i know this is a CRAZY idea. without insulting me, please, just tell me what you think of my idea or if there's ANY other possible solution out there. my sister and i aren't on good terms, btu really. her behavior has to stop.
The Answer
You actually have a larger problem then the three you mentioned here.
Very little of what your sister is doing are serious crimes. There is very, very little the cops can do. If she gets caught buying cigarette underage, they wont even necessarily arrest her. They will fine the person who sold them to her, take away her id and the smokes, and MAYBE, and it's a big maybe, arrest her. In the vast majority of places, buying cigarettes under age isn't a really a crime: It's selling them to underage people that is a crime. In order for you to tell on her, you would have to be able to tell them exactly where and when she buys cigarettes. They would have to catch her in the act. Same goes for graffitti. Someone would have to see her doing it, or you would have to have a really good idea where she was going to go do it, for it be a useful report.
Being a slut isn't a crime, and smoking pot can be hard to prove unless you know exactly where and when, and there is some sort of public sign of the behavior... They are not going to kick down the door of her friends house because someone's sister says they are smoking pot in there. They'll just knock on the door, and in an adult says �No Sir� or the teens can be convincing enough, there is nothing they can really do. So, unless you know they will all be smoking at 5pm in a specific parking lot, you are shit out of luck. If you know her dealers name, sure, call that in, but even still they wont send a SWAT team to their house, they will knock on the door and keep on eye on them.
Unfortunately, the police are not there to scare stupid teenage girls. They do end up doing it sometimes, but it isn't their purpose. They have priorities and policies to follow, and those priorities are bigger than her, and those policies protect people, even her, and require police officers to have more evidence than just a call.
I am sorry, I really am. I've been the big sister in a similar situation (in fact, a much more serious one in a way, that involved much harder drugs and much more violent behavior) and it's very hard to accept but it's true: There is very little you can personally do. At the moment this behavior is your parents to handle, and they aren't. Which is very sad and too bad for your family, but doesn't mean the police are capable of helping you.
Lean on your parents. Express your concerns in a straightforward way. Don't whine, but explain. �I feel like she just keeps getting away with the same things. Something has to change!� Maybe you can suggest to them they met with parenting groups who help parents work with difficult teens, or maybe a meeting with a guidance counselor at school or a principal will help them to recognize the resources they can use, and how firm they will need to be.
Your parents are the ones who must step up, it's unlikely that law wont get involved in any serious way until it's a good deal more serious, and by that time, she'll probably just laugh it off anyways.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Okay let's say you're having sex with a girl and she cums, can you still continue having sex with her? I know for guys it's different because after they cum they go soft and need some time to get it together again. So basically can you keep going or do you stop? Btw...I'm a girl and was wondering because my guy and I plan on having sex soon.
The Answer
It depends entirely on the girl.
Some girls will not want to keep going after they orgasm, others will need a short break, others still wont need any break at all and will be immediately ready to go. Many girls can orgasm repeatedly, unlike the vast majority of guys, whose bodies can really only manage once or twice before it gets pretty difficult.
There is no reason not to keep having sex after you orgasm, unless it becomes uncomfortable or if you don't want too.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
20/f
Please do not criticize the fact that he is married. I fell in love with a married man. I had a very screwed up life with cheating and drugs and promiscuity and he being older really helped me through it. I put him through a ton of crap and he still stayed with me because he truly loves me. He and his wife do not have a a relationship and merely coexist in the same household but still have a marriage. Well It took awhile but I finally realized I needed to start changing and loving myself and so I did as I was ready. Now I am fully committed to him and everything has changed. My issue is that now I have changed I am 100% committed to him and having trouble dealing with the fact that he is still in some way committed to her. He was at one point willing to leave her for me and then he found out all the crap I did to him and hes scared now that if he leaves her I will screw him over once again and he will be alone. On top of the fact that he promised her to always be there for her and he doesn't want to hurt her anymore than he already has. I am very much struggling with this. Our time is limited together because of his work and school and his wife. I just feel that I deserve to have him as committed to me as I am to him now. Despite all the crap that happened in the past. but I know he is in love with me and simply loves her bc they have been together for years. I don't know if I should wait around until they divorce or if I should save myself the hurt and depression and leave him. I'm so lost. Any advice is appreciated.
The Answer
You don't feel okay about this situation, because it isn't okay. No excuses. No justifications. It is not okay to be involved in an affair like this
This isn’t nasty judgement on you. It’s just a fact as simple as the sky is blue, and you already know it. You know this is not okay, because you don't feel okay about it.
You are right to recognize he is not committed to you, and it is sensible that it hurts you to know that.
If he truly wanted to end his marriage, he would. And it wouldn’t matter if your relationship worked out or not. You see, it’s not an either you or her decision. If he wanted to end his marriage, he would do so, even if it meant being single. If he has not ended his marriage, it means he has chosen not to.
He isn’t leaving her. He’s already told you that. Your behaviour has nothing to do with his chose not to end his marriage. It’s an excuse. He doesn’t want to leave her. He is not going to choose you over her. If you push him to a choice, he will probably choose her.
So your choice is to continue on doing something that you know is not okay, and that hurts you deeply, or, to stop doing it.
The choice should be very obvious. This is the next step in making yourself into a new, better person. End the betrayal and your dependency on a man who is not committed to either of the women in his life. You should demand better behaviour from yourself, and once you have done that, you should expect better in a partner.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hello im lee, im 27 years old i just need some advice. My bf got married lastweek a family arrange marriage. Due to we are not same nationality his family refuse to marry my bf. Now i still love him. Shall i forget him? We have more promises. How can i move on? I want to forget him.
The Answer
He's a married man; He is no longer your boyfriend. Stop call him that, it's not appropriate, or true.
As much pressure as his family may have put on him, he is now married to someone else. You must move on. Of course you can never forget someone completely, nor should you try, but to cling to 'promises' when he has made an oath to another person is foolish, self-destructive and even dishonest.
Do not allow this man to use you to escape his chosen responsibilities, or to betray the oaths he made. You would be just as guilty as him if you ignore the simple facts of the situation: He is not your boyfriend. He is someone else’s husband.
End your communication with this married man. Your friendship is not appropriate, and your romantic relationship is long over.
You can move on by severing ties, and slowly, and painfully, moving forward without him. It is not easy, and there is no trick to it. You simply must do it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
15/m
I go to boarding school and am decently good friends with a girl I like. I frequently ask her to spend time with me by watching a movie among other things, very little of which she agrees to. I don't feel that this reaction is a result of her not liking me, but rather a result of her being too busy and doing things with her friends. I imagine to her, I am just another friend and it doesn't really matter whom she spends time with. I am not hiding the fact that I like her, and it seems to me that it appears fairly obvious, although I can't tell if she realizes it or not, she probably does. I have known her for four months and have been stuck in the friend zone for quite some time. I am wondering how I can get out of this zone. Would doing more stuff with her as I have been trying help? Or should I take another approach? At this point I only really do stuff with her occasionally on the weekends as during the week she is always with her friends, and I am trying to stay clear of just joining her circle of friends. I am also wondering if I should continue just being her friend (and therefore her friends' friend) or make it clear I want to be more, and how fast should I move. If she had a choice between doing something with me or one of her "girlfriends" she would probably go with her other friend, although she still probably enjoys doing things with me. Any help on this matter would be appreciated. Thanks.
The Answer
She's just not into you like that.
Sorry. It's sort of that simple.
She knows you like her. And when someone is really into someone else, 'too busy' isn't really an excuse. I've worked 60 hour weeks and still found time for guys I'm really interested in. If she was interested in 'more' with you, she'd blow off her friends with a giggle very happily. If she would reguarly, and does regularly, choose the company of others over your exclusive company, then she just wants to be friends, and is trying to avoid the uncomfortable conversation where she is forced to admit she just doesn't like you like that.
I doubt you are going to believe me, and of course, I could always be wrong. But that really is the most likely case given this situation: she knows you like her, and she doesn't feel the same, and she's hoping you'll get the hint rather than make her say it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Me and my boyfriend just started going out.we were talking for probably about 6 weeks and started going out 2 weeks ago.He says he likes me a lot and i like him a lot too.but these things make me feel like he doesn't like me: he doesnt text me that often,and when he does ...its not for very long.We don't hangout everyday and on the weekends we will make plans and he will sometimes not even call me to cancel them,which thats usually on friday night.Saturday night we usually hangout all night and then he doesnt text me sunday (and if he does,its not much) then on monday i see him a lot during school and i have a class with him.I drop him off at home after school some days and some days we hangout after school,which is really good.but on the days i drop him off,i sometimes don't hear from him until late at night.He never really does cute things either .like i never get cute texts and such.He kisses me in school and stuff ,so i know he likes me.I just really want to hangout more and talk more and ive talked to him about it and he says "im sorry,im just doing stuff or sleeping or my phone dies" and i told him that when he can't hangout to just call me and tell me ,instead of not saying anything...and he says hes gonna change that but he still hasn't. Maybe its to early in our relationship,and i guess its good to move slow.But i just get the feeling that he forgets about me : /
The Answer
A guy who doesn't call to cancel plans isn't 'taking it slow', he's be a disrespectful turd. That isn't okay.
However, it also sounds like you are hanging out together a whole bunch to me! Maybe you need to change your approach a little bit, and be more accepting of him needing some time where he isn't obligated to be texting you...
Make sure your plans are actual, firm plans (not just vague ideas you mentioned and didn't disagree with) and then insist he let you know if he can't follow through.
But otherwise, give the guy some slack. Text messages are dull and impersonal, and he sees you everyday at school! It's not so weird for him to have nothing new to report at 10pm Thursday night, if you only dropped him off 5 hours earlier.
Don't get yourself worked up over 'Does he like me enough? Am I always on his mind?' Instead, maybe you should ask yourself if you are really into him or not...
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
when i was 15 i went out this guy who was 17 and we always hang out at this one placee where alot of people went and after awhile he wanted to be alone with just us and when i ddint wanna go hed get mad at me so i would go anywayy. we would always go to the same place and each time it got worse and worse. the first couple times we would just make out for like 2 hours and then after that he wanted to do more. she he made me take my shirt off and everytime i didnt wanna do anything hed tell me it was a "turnoff" and get mad at me. everytime i was so scared to go with him but i still went anyway. and each time hed make me take off my shirtt and hed touch me and stufff, and i felt reallly uncomfortable. ive only told one person and she said that it sounded like molestation, but im not sure so can you guys help mee outt?
The Answer
Well, yeah, it's molestation. Molestation technically means unwanted or inappropriate sexual activity. What you did with him was definitely 'unwanted', but it probably wasn't illegal molestation. Molestation, legally, is only a word used to apply to behaving with minors. With people over the age of consent, the laws become more specific: Sexual assault, is a crime. Rape is a crime. But molestation is too general a term and isn't criminal among adults in most states and countries.
Of course what he did was still really wrong! But you might as well think of him as a jerk, an asshole and a bully. You made a mistake in hanging out with him, and he, very wrongly and very unfairly, took advantage of your mistake. What he did wasn't right, I just don't want you to call it molestation and think it was a 'crime', because it probably wasn't.
Try to take a deep breathe and let it go. The very best thing you can do now is to forgive yourself (not him!) and to give yourself permission to trust your instincts and stick to your own rules in the future. You should never feel forced to be with someone who scares you. If it ever happens agian, you have to ask for help, not give in to a bully.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi all, 22/f, he's 24. I posted this question:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=577027
I did finally end the relationship, but I'm concerned now that he didn't understand that it's over for good, even after I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. I blocked him on facebook and on AIM, and am slowly trying to kind of disappear from his life. He just sent me an e-mail saying:
"Blocking me on Aim and Facebook. How nice of you. Valentines Day is coming up. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised?"
I had intended to cut communication completely and just be done, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't send him some kind of response saying "No, you won't be pleasantly surprised on Valentine's Day, because it's over for good. We're not getting back together, and you need to move on," or something.
I mean, I originally intended for this to be a break for a few months so I could get my head on straight about him, but having had time without him, I feel so much freer, and happier. I haven't cried in a week, when I was crying almost every day with him. I haven't told him that, though.
Should I respond? Should I block his friends, too, even though a couple of them are really my friends, too? Thoughts?
Thanks.
The Answer
Block no one else unless any of his mutual friend misbehave (i.e., let him use their accounts to harass you). Save his messages (should you need them as evidence, although hopefully it will never get that far) and stick with your plan of cutting all communication.
This guy is a mastermind at getting you to respond and sucking you back in.
His latest message is just him upping the ante, and trying to do anything, anything at all, to make your respond. A vague, slightly confusing question is meant to cause you EXACTLY the confusion and slight fear that you are now facing, and compel you into responding.
He’s testing you. He wants to see how serious you are. He did the same thing last time. This time, you need to show him, not tell him, you are dead serious. Don't respond. Not even to reiterate your break up message. Actions speak louder than words in this instance. Don’t respond.
If you don’t respond, remember that he will probably keep on testing you. You’ll get another message, sooner rather than later, and he’ll be upping the ante again. Maybe the next one will call you names or be vaguely threatening, maybe he’ll beg. He will try something new to try and force you or guilt you into speaking to him again. To prove your seriousness, you’ll need to outlast him.
If you feel you haven’t been clear about it being over, then it would be sensible to send him a message clarifying. However, if you HAVE been clear and he’s just playing stupid to try and make you pay attention to him, then ignore him completely.
If you do send him a message to clarify the break up, don't do it response to what he says. Ignore anything he sent or asked, and send a very simple, straight forward e-mail like this:
“I’ve decided I don’t want to be in a relationship with you agian. Right now, I don’t want any contact with you either. You need to respect that. If I ever want to talk to you again, I’ll let you know. Do not contact me anymore.”
No "Please" or "Thank you", and no asking for his opinion or feelings and no telling him about your tears. Anything else you give him he'll just try to use as a way back in, to convince you to communicate with him. You have the complete and total right to not speak to someone. Exercise that right, and don’t let him guilt or bully you out of it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
this past friday a guy friend(tyler)asked me to come over his house and hangout. i'm 16 and he's 16. i stay with my grandmother, so when i got home we asked, and at first she wanted to say no but then she said if i could trust my friends she could learn to too.
so when we got to his house no one was there although he said some one would be. Then he asked if i wanted to play his game(x-box)but the game was in is room, but i said shure because i thought i could trust him. after about two games he tries kissing me and then he wanted to have sex with me.
while we were in his room there was a knock on the front door and it was his friend Danny. Danny is my crush. we were talking at one point but got disconnected over the summer and now we talk everyday at school. Anyways danny comes in the house and tyler tells him i'm sitting in his room. so when i walked out the room i told tony to take me home, and he did.
two days later(monday)my aunt died my uncle was in the ER and one of my cousins had ran away. the next day at school i was depressed and danny bumped in to me in the hall and gave me a hug. when i got on myspace that night i told him happy birthday & thanks for the hug because i was going threw alot. he asked me what was going on and i told him. we stayed up all that night talking and he cheered me up when he could've been doung something else for his birthday.
now i'm in this love triangle because tyler likes me (or so he says) but i like danny but i'm not shure if he liks me the way i like him because of what happend that friday. i want to tell him but i don't know how to. what do i do?
The Answer
Well, it's not actually a triangle unless you have feelings about both of them, and you pretty obviously don't like Tyler at all.
There are two, totally and completely seperate things for you to do here: Let Tyler know you aren't interested and Danny know that you are.
Don't try to make either too hard: Ignore Tyler and don't agree to hang out with him agian. If he asks why, tell him straight up that you don't like him as much as he likes you and weren't comfortable when he tried to get physical with you. Do make time to hang out with, listen too and talk to Danny. You'll be able to gauge his feelings that way, and the truth will come out eventually and naturally.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
14/f .
so i have a boyfriend .
he's seventeen .
we've been dating since 101209 .
so almost four months , or around there .
his mom lovesme & my parents love him too ,
his mom & my parents are like best friends , so were like one big family..
but i really don't know how much i love him .
i mean , thats horrible to say .
but i wanna be single sometimes ,
we've broken up before and he turns everything on me , and sometimes cries .
then i feel horrible , and pretty much get forced to go back out with him .
my parents get upset with me , and tell me that i'm lossing someone who loves me,
and yada yada yada .
but worse , all of his upperclassman friends get mad at me ? cause of what we did .
i wish he could respect the fact i kinda wanna be friends .
ugh , i dunno what to do.
help ? any advice would be appreciated (:
thanks guys .
The Answer
No one can force you to date them against your will.
You are giving in to him. Sure, break ups are hard and it's never nice to cause someone pain, but it's still your job to stand up for what you want. He is going to keep trying to be a dick and drag you back, and you are going to have to accept that.
Your families will eventually understand, you are both quite young afterall. They are wrong to be pressuring you to be in a relationship at fourteen.
You can't control what his friends think or do, only know they were going to take his side no matter what and demonize you. That is just life. If he isn't mature and sensible enough to deal with a break up respectfully, of course his friends wont be.
If you don't want to be with him, then don't.
Frankly, you probably can't be friends after you break up. He's already proven that he isn't capable of a respectful break up. So, steal yourself. You can't let other people tell you who you are supposed to love.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
hi i am a 30 yr old mother of a 7 year old child and have wondered for a while if there is a possibility of her being sexually abused? the things that make me wonder are
1. when she was 5, almost 6, teachers at her school caught her and another little boy touching eachother and even performing oral sex.
2. i found her showing her friend how to draw a penis.
3. i walked in on her rubbing back and forth on a stuffed animal 3 times.
i just dont know where she would get all these ideas from and her dad is not in the picture so the only person i can think of who it could be would be her step grandfather because we live with my parents. any help is appreciated. thanks
The Answer
I just want to say first, that a small girl masturbating is actually quite normal. Even toddlers do this sometimes. The female genitalia create pleasure from birth, so if a young child discovers this, there is really nothing sexual about it, they just find it pleasurable the way they might find sucking their thumb pleasurable.
So, if it were just that, I would be saying no, natural, not abuse.
Even drawing a penis doesn't really surprise me. At your daughters age she is only very recently becoming aware of the differences between boys and girls. It's not too odd that she'd fixate on this new discovery.
But oral sex, there is just no normal reason for a young child to come up with that idea on their own. That idea she has been exposed too, and if I were you, that is the thing that I would want discover the root of. Where did she get the idea to do this? Has she talked to anyone about it? There are other ways she might have gotten the idea that aren't linked to sexual abuse, but I think it's important to discover how the idea came up.
Do take her to a child therapist but don't be alarmist about it yet. The incident with the boy was a while ago and she might not remember exactly what happened (although you can bet she remembers everyone's embarrassment and anger and that will make her not want to talk about it), so let her talk to a professional person who is separate from you and you can be calm and gentle about getting to truth, not panicked or jumping to conclusions. Unlike the others here, my opinion is that she will likely sense your fear and unhappiness, and might be able to be more honest with someone else. Although it's clear your daughter was exposed to an idea that she shouldn't have been and needs to learn a bit about appropriate behavior, that will probably be best corrected by a professional. In the meantime, remove her from any situations you suspect might be causing the problem and keep your eyes opened (as I'm sure you have).
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
OK, so my boyfriend is really obsessed with Megan Fox. Well who wouldn't be? I like her too, but he is absolutely CRAZED with her. He talks about her 24/7. It gets kind of annoying, as he never wants to talk about anything else when he gets on the subject. It makes me feel like he wants me to be more like her, and I'd have to starve myself to have an amazing body like that. Any suggestions? Or should I just get over it? Thanks.
The Answer
Um, if my boyfriend only ever talked about one thing, any one thing, even if was NASCAR, I would dump him because it's boring as hell.
It's normal to have topics you really like, or little obsessions, it's also normal to realize that your girlfriend is probably bored to tears, or even offended, by your obsession with a mutant movie star.
Tell him that you get it already, he's a fan, but that you need to be able to talk about other things as well, and that you need to know that he likes and is interested in you too.
If he can't manage that, he shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am 48 years old & have a 22 year old daughter. A couple of months ago, she met a guy named Paul (my fav name, by the way) through friends. They met up 2x with others & 1x alone. They just went to a bar and talked and back to his house. She told me he was a bit boring and not aggressive enough for her - he didn't even kiss her. I started obsessing about this guy for some reason and wanted them to date, but I don't know why - especially since she wasn't into him. The next month, they texted and talked on the phone alot and made plans to go out Jan 8th. She told me he never called her & I didn't believe her because of his constant attention. By the way, I found his pic on Facebook and he was so cute and her type - tall, dark wavy hair & laid-back. I checked my cell phone bill records and found she texted him something the night before they were supposed to go out, but don't know what she could have said. Obviously, she blew him off; since then he hasn't called or texted her again. She told everyone that he was the one who never contacted her. I told her I know she is lying and why wouldn't she just fess up. She still denies texting him that night. She even told me she texted him the following night & didn't. I cannot stop wondering why she would do this and accept a 2nd date if she didn't like him in the 1st place. Can anyone explain why I am obsessing over this situation? She has had a few other casual relationships and I never cared or obsesssed like I am doing now. I barely eat & sleep & cry in spurts. I lost 15 lbs. Why am I acting like this? Any ideas? I feel like texting him and asking him, but it sounds creepy and really nuts. What is going on with me? PLEASE HELP ASAP!!
The Answer
Okay, deep breath here.
Just a quick validation before I start:
Yes, calling him would be extremely creepy and really nuts. Don't do that. Ever.
Your daughter is 22, and just not that into him. The real question is not why would she behave this way, there are a million totally acceptable reasons for her to not want to date an otherwise cute, decent guy. You owe it to her to respect her decisions. If you show her a bit more respect, she is probably less likely to lie to you and more likely to let you in on what her real feelings are.
Stop sabotaging your relationship with your daughter. Small children will often forgive their parents for being too involved. Adult children are much more likely to hold it against you, forever.
You are way, WAY too involved in your daughters love life if you facebook stalking her dates and reading her texts. Sorry, that's just crazy stupid. You should NEVER be reading her texts (unless you think she is doing some illegal, that is pretty much the only kind-of-valid excuse).
The real question I asked myself when I read your story, was 'Why is this lady sooooo bored!?'
You need to find something else, or someone else, to do. You have way too much time on your hands, if this is an okay way for you to use it.
It's clear that something has gone on in your life to make you really concerned for your daughter, and over involved in her life. Either you are genuinely worried for her for reasons you have expressed her, or you are actually upset about something in your life that you haven't been able to express either, and are trying to control her instead of facing the lost of control in your own life.
Either way, if you don't what it is that is bothering you, my advice is to get a damn hobby. Take a class, join a book club, start a new exercise regiment or learn to bake. Just keep your hands and mind busy.
If you can afford counseling, now would be a really, really good time to do that.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Wasn't sure what category to put it in, but I hope it fits...
I'm an 18 year old girl and I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend. I believe that no one is perfect, but he is truly the closest I've seen.
However, he is in college and currently lives in the dorms which are about 45 minutes away from where I live. Not too far, but he can't drive here all the time because his parents bought his truck and are very conscious of the miles he piles on it. I completely understand that, so we've respectfully limited his visits here to only weekends. It's not always easy to go that long without seeing him, but we make it work. Also, he has to split his weekends between his mother and stepfather, his father and stepmother, and myself. So there are times that I don't get to spend time with him for two to three weeks.
Needless to say, my time with him is priceless and very important to me because I believe that a relationship needs face-to-face time, as texts and phone calls are simply second best.
I currently live at home with my mother, who works full time from 7 pm to 7 am, so I am responsible for the housework and for taking care of my younger brother who has severe ADD and ADHD. I have a car, but it doesn't run because my engine blew up, so I'm working for my neighbors for 30 dollars a week to try to buy a new engine for it.
Today my mom asked me to get a job at a convenience store about ten miles from our house to help pay *her* bills and fully pay for my engine (since she spent the money my dad had sent to pay for a new one). She lined up a ride and already got an application. I would be extremely grateful if it weren't for one thing: the job is nights and weekends only, with occasional day shifts.
I've mulled over it all day and I tried to explain to my mom the pros and cons, and also tried to explain why the cons outweighed the pros.
The pros would be that I could get my engine faster and could eventually get a higher paying job and move to town to be closer to my boyfriend and to attend college as well.
The cons would be that it would take a while to buy an engine because I would be paying for her bills as well as my own, while also saving up for an engine... and the fact that I would never, ever see my boyfriend. That's my main concern, and I know it probably sounds selfish but it doesn't feel that way. She got extremely upset with me and said "sometimes you have to make sacrifices in life to get what you want."
I don't *want* to pay her bills.
I didn't *want* her to spend the money my dad sent, because if she hadn't we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.
I don't *want* to lose my limited time with my boyfriend.
Should I apply for this job and sacrifice my relationship so that I can help pay all the bills?
Or should I risk upsetting my mom and not take the job and be with my boyfriend? I'm so confused. I don't want to let my mom down, but I really really do not want to sacrifice my precious and seldom visits with my boyfriend. I don't want to risk losing him. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry for the length of the question. Thank you so much in advance :)
The Answer
Look for another job. One that fits into the life you want better.
I appreciate that your mother is probably being a bit unfair to you, however, at the core of it, her asking her 18 year old daughter to contribute to the household bills isn't completely unreasonable. The rest of the pros, about the engine and saving up to move and getting job experience are actually, really, vitally important at this point in your life. Getting a job is an excellent idea, and not one you should put off for much longer.
Your mother is right that you should have a more serious structured job, maybe it's just not THIS job.
So, gently reject her plan with thanks and gratitude, but seriously and with speed and dedication, make one of your own. Start looking for work that fits into your life better. It might still mean missing out on your boyfriend a bit more than you'd like, but that is a different sacrifice than never seeing him at all, and has to be balanced against the benefits of getting a real job at this point in your life.
Yes, your mother will be angry. But if you show her that you are calling other places, putting together a resume and looking for a work schedule you can manage, she'll probably get over it. Finding work is hard work, and you must truly devote yourself too it, but it's something that you should be doing right now. Then, tell your mother how much you'll be contributing to the household. Don't let her set the number, its your paycheck, you tell her what you can manage. You know your situation best, but I'd start the negotiations at 1/3 to the engine, 1/3 to the household, and 1/3 to your own savings. Also, at your age, if you want to decide where that 1/3 to the household goes, I think you've got a good argument to make to your mother for that. Say something like “Okay, so I'm going to put 1/3 of my paycheck towards family things, so make me a list of things we need, groceries, clothes for my brother, cleaning stuff, and each week I'll buy as much as I can with that 1/3 of my paycheck.”
Remember: If your mother has made the arrangements with this convenience store on your behalf, you owe the owner of that store a phone call of 'thanks but no thanks'. Never burn any bridges.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
What is a good age to move out of your parents' house and find a first apartment/rental?
The Answer
I don't think age is the most important part of that decision... The first you should probably make sure you are legally able to sign a lease yourself. In most areas that means at least 18, some cities or states it will be higher.
Then you need to have first and last months rent saved up, and a damn good idea of your ability to pay rent from month to month.
I don't think there is a prefect age to move out. Everyone is a little different. Some people will find they are prepared to move out at 19, others will be more comfortable with a few more years. Sometimes schooling or money will dictate where you are able to live. Than there is the difference between moving out to move into a student residence, or even with many roommates, and moving out all by your lonesome. Most people build up to actually living by themselves, by living at school or with many others. Generally, I think people should be out by their mid-twenties, but different cultures and families think differently even on that...
If you are considering moving out, the most important thing by far is your legal and financial standing. If you lack the legal ability to enter into a lease, or the financial ability to honor that lease, then you aren't ready yet.
(View All Other Answers.)