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the future freaks me out
So I am in love with my boyfriend. Its going to be 1 year this valentines day. Things are very good between us, and he is convinced were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I am 18 years old, he is 26. You see a problem there? At first I thought he was crazy when he said it but hes just so sure were gonna get married that hes starting to convince me of it.
Me, being the young, less experienced one want to believe that it will work out. I want to believe that everything will be perfect between us. Yet theres still so much I haven't experienced in life. He's doing his last 4 years of school, I'm starting my first 4 years. He's dated so much its almost ridiculous,and I've barely dated at all.
He says that because he's dated so much he KNOWS that I am all he ever wanted. He loves everything about me etc etc. He loves that I am pure. Well its my lack of experiences thats making me so.
Regardless of the fact, whats also true is I love him. I need him. I want to be the one for him. I am just so afraid that our age difference is going to tear us apart.
I'm very inquisitive all the time and curious because I love knowing what he thinks about everything. He says that I ask the same questions but thats because I get different answers all the time. He's more direct in his thinking. He says he doesn't see the point in me asking the same question when the answer is so plain obvious. Says its repetitive. I tell him it's because I think too much. Maybe it is, but I like getting him to think about things. He needs to understand me better in that way.
I guess my question is what do you guys think about this whole deal? I need some sort of opinion because I seem to be the only one who is thinking ahead and seeing both of us getting hurt. I am probably just scared, yet somehow, something doesn't feel right about this. However, I cannot even begin to finish that thought because we are both going to get hurt immensely if it doesn't work out. And hes been hurt so much before that I don't know if he can handle it. I know I barely can. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on the matter? Sorry if it was really long...
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I would just talk to him about marriage. My boyfriend and I talked about marriage in depth (i'm 19, he's 22) and we know we want to get married at some point but we're not in a rush. He also understood that I don't want to get married right now, maybe once I turn 21. So yeah, I would just talk to him about it and talk to him about how he feels about waiting.
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you sound like you have good confidence if your relationship. Your age as nothing to do with if you to are going to last for ever if you get married. Now even if he was to propose to you, you can say yes but when you pick the date pick if for several years you dont have to get married right away. I am married and I am 18 years old. My husband is 23. I love him and couldnt see my life with out him. Although we have our arguments which is normal. I have thought I made a mistake once but I dont really feel that i did. I love him and glad we got married weather it was to soon or not were still together and we love each other a lot.
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you guys sound like you really care for eachother. but you have to remember, even if you guys have dated a year, thats still not a very long time. you need to sit him down and tell him you do love him, but this whole "spending the rest of your lives" together thing is kind of puttig the heat on you, which from what i've read, is true. you want so badly to believe its true, but its also pressuring you to be the best girlfriend ever, since he's had so many, and you haven't had much dating experience.
about the whole asking questions, trying to understand the way his mind works deal, i don't know what to think about that. just tell him, once again, that you want to know him better, and this is your way of figuring him out. although, if it is getting to the point where you're asking him the same thing all the time, and it seems to annoy him, you may want to back up a little. you guys need to move a little slower. there is a bit of an age difference here; his life is just beginning, your college life is starting, its a risk. but you two can make it work. just try to slow things down a little, talk some, don't think about the future too much. you're like me, you think way too much about stuff that happened in the past, and your worried that it may affect the future; the way some guy back in freshman year dumped you abruptly, etc. don't think so much! don't worry! it just stresses you out and will cause you to start freaking and get obsessed with this guy, and dependency is not a healthy thing.
hope i helped, and i'm sorry if i scared you >.<''
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I can't read minds, admittedly, but you asked for thoughts, so here is what I see between the lines of your question:
One. Your spid-y sense in tingly and you doubt the ability of this relationship to endure your maturing and changing life.
Two. You are seeking reassurance from him, and his insisting 'You are the one!' isn't really reassuring. You want an expanded dialogue of hopes and fears and plans. He doesn’t see the value in that communication; he doesn’t want to examine his feelings or behaviours, which leaves you punching a brick wall for depth he doesn’t have or at least, doesn’t want to express.
Three. You are dating a rather dependant, black-and-white kind of guy, who doesn’t want to look too deeply at his feelings or behaviour, but simply announces things as facts and stands by them forever. This means he is likely a bit immature and stagnant, and not able to recognize your stress and motivation to grow and evolve as a person. The fact that you doubt his ability to handle a break up, tells me he’s not as mature as he ought to be by 26, and you probably try to ‘protect’ his black-and-white world view in many other ways as well. That’s a big problem. You should never put yourself in a position where you defend your partner from the real complexities of life and other people.
Four, and finally. You don’t actually know what you want. Which is cool. I’m 25 and have got sort of decent idea of what I want... At eighteen I barely knew what kind of mattress I preferred, let alone what kind of man.
I could be way off base here, but honestly I don’t think I am. You might care very much for him, but if this is a relationship you are finding it difficult to grow in mature in as a person, if you are finding he can’t accept, let alone respect and appreciate, your doubts and your need for dialogue, then maybe you need a break. This isn’t entirely an age-difference thing. You could be the same age and running into the same problems. In fact, I once dated a guy a year or two younger than me who was much like you’ve described: he liked life just the way it was, and was resistant and scarred when I expressed my desire to grow and learn or have conversations with him about the future. It was threatening to him, and I tried to push down my own doubts and thoughts to protect him from it.
Age differences can work out, so you shouldn't be panicking based on that. Even if nothing else I've said resonates with you, ignore the age issue for a moment and look at the actual behaviour of the two of you in your relationship, and decide based on just that what is going on, and if it’s any good.
In the end, if you can’t have personal development inside the relationship, you will find you need to get out of it. If you are afraid that you are doing something like what I’ve described here, you probably are.
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