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Work vs. Boyfriend vs. Mom :(
Wasn't sure what category to put it in, but I hope it fits...
I'm an 18 year old girl and I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend. I believe that no one is perfect, but he is truly the closest I've seen.
However, he is in college and currently lives in the dorms which are about 45 minutes away from where I live. Not too far, but he can't drive here all the time because his parents bought his truck and are very conscious of the miles he piles on it. I completely understand that, so we've respectfully limited his visits here to only weekends. It's not always easy to go that long without seeing him, but we make it work. Also, he has to split his weekends between his mother and stepfather, his father and stepmother, and myself. So there are times that I don't get to spend time with him for two to three weeks.
Needless to say, my time with him is priceless and very important to me because I believe that a relationship needs face-to-face time, as texts and phone calls are simply second best.
I currently live at home with my mother, who works full time from 7 pm to 7 am, so I am responsible for the housework and for taking care of my younger brother who has severe ADD and ADHD. I have a car, but it doesn't run because my engine blew up, so I'm working for my neighbors for 30 dollars a week to try to buy a new engine for it.
Today my mom asked me to get a job at a convenience store about ten miles from our house to help pay *her* bills and fully pay for my engine (since she spent the money my dad had sent to pay for a new one). She lined up a ride and already got an application. I would be extremely grateful if it weren't for one thing: the job is nights and weekends only, with occasional day shifts.
I've mulled over it all day and I tried to explain to my mom the pros and cons, and also tried to explain why the cons outweighed the pros.
The pros would be that I could get my engine faster and could eventually get a higher paying job and move to town to be closer to my boyfriend and to attend college as well.
The cons would be that it would take a while to buy an engine because I would be paying for her bills as well as my own, while also saving up for an engine... and the fact that I would never, ever see my boyfriend. That's my main concern, and I know it probably sounds selfish but it doesn't feel that way. She got extremely upset with me and said "sometimes you have to make sacrifices in life to get what you want."
I don't *want* to pay her bills.
I didn't *want* her to spend the money my dad sent, because if she hadn't we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.
I don't *want* to lose my limited time with my boyfriend.
Should I apply for this job and sacrifice my relationship so that I can help pay all the bills?
Or should I risk upsetting my mom and not take the job and be with my boyfriend? I'm so confused. I don't want to let my mom down, but I really really do not want to sacrifice my precious and seldom visits with my boyfriend. I don't want to risk losing him. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
I'm sorry for the length of the question. Thank you so much in advance :)
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wow you know you shouldnt feel guilty about anything you do what you want and really if she cared she wouldnt put you through this tell her that you love her but that you are not the one thats being selfish you do enough already i mean really you take care of most things in the house and now you have to give up the most important person in your life? no way this is her fault tell her that she needs to get out of the mess not you dont feel guilty.
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Look for another job. One that fits into the life you want better.
I appreciate that your mother is probably being a bit unfair to you, however, at the core of it, her asking her 18 year old daughter to contribute to the household bills isn't completely unreasonable. The rest of the pros, about the engine and saving up to move and getting job experience are actually, really, vitally important at this point in your life. Getting a job is an excellent idea, and not one you should put off for much longer.
Your mother is right that you should have a more serious structured job, maybe it's just not THIS job.
So, gently reject her plan with thanks and gratitude, but seriously and with speed and dedication, make one of your own. Start looking for work that fits into your life better. It might still mean missing out on your boyfriend a bit more than you'd like, but that is a different sacrifice than never seeing him at all, and has to be balanced against the benefits of getting a real job at this point in your life.
Yes, your mother will be angry. But if you show her that you are calling other places, putting together a resume and looking for a work schedule you can manage, she'll probably get over it. Finding work is hard work, and you must truly devote yourself too it, but it's something that you should be doing right now. Then, tell your mother how much you'll be contributing to the household. Don't let her set the number, its your paycheck, you tell her what you can manage. You know your situation best, but I'd start the negotiations at 1/3 to the engine, 1/3 to the household, and 1/3 to your own savings. Also, at your age, if you want to decide where that 1/3 to the household goes, I think you've got a good argument to make to your mother for that. Say something like “Okay, so I'm going to put 1/3 of my paycheck towards family things, so make me a list of things we need, groceries, clothes for my brother, cleaning stuff, and each week I'll buy as much as I can with that 1/3 of my paycheck.”
Remember: If your mother has made the arrangements with this convenience store on your behalf, you owe the owner of that store a phone call of 'thanks but no thanks'. Never burn any bridges.
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