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was my child sexually abused?
hi i am a 30 yr old mother of a 7 year old child and have wondered for a while if there is a possibility of her being sexually abused? the things that make me wonder are
1. when she was 5, almost 6, teachers at her school caught her and another little boy touching eachother and even performing oral sex.
2. i found her showing her friend how to draw a penis.
3. i walked in on her rubbing back and forth on a stuffed animal 3 times.
i just dont know where she would get all these ideas from and her dad is not in the picture so the only person i can think of who it could be would be her step grandfather because we live with my parents. any help is appreciated. thanks
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Kids do these things.....and little girls who do not have a little brother or havent seen their dad tend to have curiosity about penises. Its natural and normal. She might have walked in on a male relative in the bathroom or saw them sleeping or viewed a penis in a totally innocent situation. Just because she has curiosity or can draw a penis doesn't mean she's been abused.
That having been said, I'd GENTLY question her about it in a way that is NOT accusatory or in a way that makes her feel like she's been naughty. If you dont like her responses or you see other behavior that tends to indicate she is troubled by something, by all means get with your pediatrician for an exam and get their advice on whether or not counseling is in order.
As for the masturbation, that is also natural and normal. Some may feel it odd for a girl that young to masturbate, but it happens more than most will admit. I know a woman who has a 7 yr old daughter. A couple times a week the daughter would have her "private time" . She'd let her mom know she wanted time alone for a while, then she'd go put on a certain disney movie and watch it as she masturbated for an hour or so.
The mom, troubled by this, spoke to 2 different child psychologists and they both agreed that its normal behavior and to not make a big deal out of it. She didn't make a big deal, and its never been a disruptive thing in the family.
Hope this helps.
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Somewhat possible but in all likely no. As said, if you're worried take her to a kids therapist. Keep your calm face on, talk to her about it, see if you can figure out whats going on.
But honestly, in this day and age information can come from anywhere. The first time I had sex explained to me was by another boy in 2nd grade. He watched a movie while his parents were asleep and then told 3 classes worth of kids at recess the next day, like "secret adult information we aren't supposed to know about". Our little powwow of explanation got big enough to make the teachers suspicious and come break us up. By the time they walked over we'd all gotten a pretty detailed explanation, and of alot more than just things necessary for procreation
Kids do this constantly, one of them gets one shred of adult info they know they aren't supposed to have and suddenly its the hot topic of conversation at school the next day.
What you need to watch for is fear reactions. Children are very perceptive, even when they don't have an adult lens to see whats going on around them in focus. They can tell when something is happening that shouldn't even when they don't have adult references to understand. If she's otherwise behaving normally, then its likely that either she absorbed some information indirectly from the environment around her, or she's absorbed it from someone else her age.
That said, it would not be entirely unthinkable that there's an abused child among her peergroup that this was coming from. If there's only one male around her outside of school and she acts no different around him though, she's probably not the one.
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I just want to say first, that a small girl masturbating is actually quite normal. Even toddlers do this sometimes. The female genitalia create pleasure from birth, so if a young child discovers this, there is really nothing sexual about it, they just find it pleasurable the way they might find sucking their thumb pleasurable.
So, if it were just that, I would be saying no, natural, not abuse.
Even drawing a penis doesn't really surprise me. At your daughters age she is only very recently becoming aware of the differences between boys and girls. It's not too odd that she'd fixate on this new discovery.
But oral sex, there is just no normal reason for a young child to come up with that idea on their own. That idea she has been exposed too, and if I were you, that is the thing that I would want discover the root of. Where did she get the idea to do this? Has she talked to anyone about it? There are other ways she might have gotten the idea that aren't linked to sexual abuse, but I think it's important to discover how the idea came up.
Do take her to a child therapist but don't be alarmist about it yet. The incident with the boy was a while ago and she might not remember exactly what happened (although you can bet she remembers everyone's embarrassment and anger and that will make her not want to talk about it), so let her talk to a professional person who is separate from you and you can be calm and gentle about getting to truth, not panicked or jumping to conclusions. Unlike the others here, my opinion is that she will likely sense your fear and unhappiness, and might be able to be more honest with someone else. Although it's clear your daughter was exposed to an idea that she shouldn't have been and needs to learn a bit about appropriate behavior, that will probably be best corrected by a professional. In the meantime, remove her from any situations you suspect might be causing the problem and keep your eyes opened (as I'm sure you have).
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While they need to know it's inappropriate touch it's a common issue with children that young to have to tell them it's not okay to allow anyone including classmates etc. touch private parts period.
What isn't common and definitely very, very wrong is the sexual act you mention teachers saw with her and another student. Obviously kids know nothing about these practices unless someone sadly has been violating them with it. You need to find out where she learned this behavior and go after the adult, teacher or daycare and get police involved.
As far as crude drawings go kids make a lot of them but not at her age. How she knows what one even is or what it looks like is highly troubling. It's a sign of something amiss.
As far as rubbing against stuffed animals that is pretty normal for her age and doesn't mean she was taught the behavior but again could have been. Don't scold but ask her why she does it, did anyone show you this or did anyone touch you etc?
Go directly to her and ask her all of the questions you asked us and get an honest answer and tell her she can't lie because it's wrong if someone did these things to her. Then, you'll really know. Counsellors and doctors could get that out of her but she's more apt to tell you especially if someone's told her not to tell.
There's a lot you that suggests abuse but it's also possible there isn't frequent abuse and that a student she hangs out with is the bigger victim who is showing others how to do this behavior.
You do need to investigate this further and remove her from that school or daycare centre until you do so she has no contact with the child or adults usually around her. Call the principal of the school immediately to look into this and the student she was with and his family. Lodge a formal complaint with them and the school board.
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No one can say for sure, but as a mother of 3, I would definitely say something is amiss. None of these behaviors and none of the knowledge in common to a 7 yr. old.
I would confront your daughter, in a very gentle way, not to alarm her, but...you know what kind of questions to ask her and in a way as to pull information out of her, 'Does anyone touch you or ask you to touch them?'. You may not get info because, if indeed she has been abused, she has probably been threatened to keep quiet, but I would try.
I would also consider finding a child counselor who specializes in this field. They would be able to draw info out of her.
If it turns out to be true, someone needs to go to jail.
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Without being alarmist I would say these are some signs that indicate that your daughter is very preoccupied with thoughts of sex. I believe this is too young an age for her to be experiencing these kinds of thoughts so often, and you have a right to be concerned. You need to take her to a counselor who specializes in dealing with these kinds of (children's) issues before this gets out of hand, whether something has happened to her or not. The more these types of behaviors continue unchecked, the more they could get her into trouble. We live in a very dangerous world. If something IS going on, you'll of course, want it to stop and a counselor would be the best person to go to and find out most assuredly if it is, then everyone can take the appropriate steps to deal with the matter. The best of luck to you and your family, Todd the Gem Guy
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