NinjaNeer's advice column

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Q: 18/f

I'm going in for an open interview at Petco and I was wondering what you're supposed to wear. This is my first interview and I really don't know what to expect and what questions they'd ask.
Is it any different than any other kind of interview?
Should I stick with a black skirt and flats?
Any advice would be appreciated.

When it comes to clothing, stay conservative. Stick to natural makeup and hairstyles, and if you're wearing a skirt, make sure it comes down to at least knee length or just below. You don't need to wear a full suit for a retail interview: as long as you look clean and polished, you'll be fine.

For extra practice, you can look up "interview questions" online, and you'll find a ton of guides. However, there are 2 questions I have been asked in every interview:

"What are some of your weaknesses?"

and

"Tell me a bit about yourself."

This is where you need to do some real prep, because those are both incredibly hard to answer if you're not ready for them.

When it comes to weaknesses, you want to avoid wording anything in a particularly negative way, and you want to avoid any flashing red lights for the employer. So don't say that you're lazy, that you're often late or that you don't work well with others. That said, don't use one of the canned "weakness, but not a weakness" statements that you'll see on most websites: employers have interviewed a lot of 'perfectionists' who are really lying to look better. If you really want to come prepared, come up with a specific way that you're trying to overcome each weakness. Here's an example for me:

"Since I am really detail-oriented, I often lose sight of the big picture. In my past year at school, I have been making an effort to prioritize my work and keep a wider perspective. My grades have gone up a lot as a result."

And now for the dreaded "Tell me about yourself."... It's really not as bad as it seems. At all times I recommend that people have an elevator speech prepared.

If you were to walk into an elevator with the CEO of a company, your elevator speech is what you could tell them about yourself in that time. Think of a few points you want to mention, and mix both personal and business/academic information. This is what I usually cover:

- What I'm studying in school, why I like it and where I hope to go with it
- My husband and dog
- A few hobbies (stick to work-friendly hobbies!)

You want to stand out, but in a good way. You want the interviewer to remember you as an interesting person they'd want to work with. Be friendly and smile, and most of all relax.

Q: Hi, I'm a 13 year old girl. My glasses broke about 1-2 week(s) ago, and my parents set up an eye appointment for me at the end of next week. I have an oval face shape, light blue eyes, and a lazy eye. I have an idea of what kind of glasses I need but I'm not for sure. I need some help, what kind of glasses do I need due to my eyes and face shape?

Glasses shopping is actually both really fun and really hard. Unfortunately, without actually seeing your face and the available glasses, it's hard to tell you what will look good.

Your best bet is to try on anything that strikes your fancy. Figure out which brands fit the size of your face (I couldn't wear anything at the store except for Roots brand glasses, for some reason) and what colours and shapes are flattering. Oval faces are lucky because they can wear just about anything, but you'll quickly see what looks good and what doesn't.

Q: I was told I had eczema by my doctor a few years back and after about a year, it went away. I can't remember what I was given or what I took to make it go away.

But recently, it's coming back and it's appearing on my upper arms, inner thighs, and it's starting to appear on my belly and on the sides of my breasts. I currently do not have a doctor as I just turned eighteen last year and need to find a new one. I'm assuming I have to solve this problem on my own right now until I can find a doctor. So, are there any creams I can buy at a pharmacy or tablets I can take to try and make it go away or would I really need to see a doctor as soon as possible?

I have eczema, and I've found that the only thing that really works is trying to keep the area moisturized and avoiding allergic triggers.

The best thing for it is hydrocortisone. You can get hydrocortisone cream at any drug store over the counter. You can get stronger hydrocortisone creams with a doctor prescription.

You also need to find out what your eczema triggers are. Did you change anything recently? If I change laundry soaps, or if my brand undergoes a change, I break out in eczema all over. Ditto for body wash and lotion. I get it on my hands if I pet an animal I'm allergic to.

Q: Okay so I've been having this boyfriend for like about 2 1/2 years . I resently Acussed him of talking to his ex so we got into an argument . I always acusse him of stuff like this by the way and during the argument he said I was a bitch because I keep goin on and on about how he was lieing and whatever ..so after he did that a few hours later I texted him and ask how could he say that and he still wouldn't say sorry or anything he was still upset he wasn't still calling me a bitch I mean that is like the first time he's actually said that to me so later on tht night I've been ignoring him and now he's just saying sorry and I'm telling him to leave me alone is that the right thing to do . ????????????

Relationships are about give and take. By not trusting him, you're disrespecting him (assuming he's not doing anything wrong). By calling you names, he's disrespecting you.

In the past, I've had some awful fights with my husband. We've both done things to each other that we would never have thought would happen. The reason why we've managed to make it is because we recognized that as a sign that we needed to change how we were fighting and try to break the pattern. This is what I would suggest to you.

If you can't trust your boyfriend, you shouldn't be with him. Really, it isn't a crime to talk to an ex: I'm good friends with one of mine. You should be able to trust him to talk to anyone without a risk of infidelity. If he hasn't been unfaithful to you in the past and you're accusing him, that's on you. You're going to have to work on your own trust issues before you can expect this relationship to work out. You don't need to suppress these feelings of jealousy, but you definitely need to learn how to express them in a better way.

Meet up with your boyfriend. Talk to him about why what he did hurt you, and listen to him. Try to come to a mutual agreement on how to work towards more productive expression of your feelings. Instead of "You're still talking to her, and you're lying to me!" try something more along the lines of "I'm worried that you're still in contact with your ex, and that you'll leave me for her." That way you take ownership of your feelings and allow him to help you.

Q: I really want to have sex but i dont want to get in trouble what should i do

It's normal to want to have sex when you're too young for it. I know I was about 9-10 years old when I started to get really curious. The thing is, just because you're interested it doesn't mean that you're ready.

I don't know if you're male or female, so I'm just going to cover all the bases here.

1) Emotions

Sex isn't all about physical pleasure. It's about bringing a relationship closer together. You have to really trust and care about someone for sex to feel good. You want to know that if you're having some problems dealing with sex, you can trust your partner to be there for you. You want to know that the other person isn't going to spread rumours or ditch you the moment they've got what they want. It's a big burden, and depending on how young you are your partner just won't be mature enough to be dependable.

2) STI Risk

Virgins can have STIs and not even know it. They can be spread by non genital-to-genital contact when performing other intimate acts. They can be acquired at birth. Some are relatively easy to get rid of, but others stay with you for your entire life. I'm not saying it's guaranteed that you'll get one, but you want to be mature enough (and have a mature enough partner) that you can both go to the doctor and get checked before you have sex, as well as discuss and use barrier protection methods like condoms and dental dams. If you're too embarrassed to buy condoms, you're not ready for sex.

3) Pregnancy

Yes, it's a risk. Pulling out isn't really an effective way of preventing pregnancy no matter what you might have heard. Even if the female does go on birth control, it can fail for any number of reasons. I'm not saying that you have to be able to raise a child right now, but I am saying that you need to be able to discuss with your partner what happens if a pregnancy occurs... before you have sex. You have to be mature enough to deal with the possibility.

So it's not necessarily about age, although a lot of the maturity comes with age. There are some 16 year olds who are very ready, and some 25 year olds who should hold off. Sex is a huge step, and it's really not going to be all that enjoyable unless you're ready for it. There are other ways to make your relationship more physical.

Q: Is it normal that I don't have my period and I'm almost 13 all of my friends have their period and there younger than me

It's totally normal. Women get their periods at all different times. I had a friend who didn't get hers until she was 15. It often depends on your build and when your mom got hers.

As any of your friends who do get it can tell you, enjoy it while it lasts!

Q: Hi! im a 15 year old freshman and im about 5'3 and 120 lbs. im not a bi girl at all im literally all muscle from cheer. me and my friends are the popular girls and all around the same size. we have never drank before and wanted to know some alcoholic drinks that arent to strong and will get us tipsy and kinda drunk but not to the point where we are puking and hungover after. things that have lower alcohol content and any new drinking tips in general! thanks! :)

We can't give you any advice on drinking because you're under age. That would be illegal.

Honestly, it's overrated, and not everyone is doing it. In high school my friends and I had a lot of fun with mocktail parties, getting buzzed off of sugar and drinking fancy virgin drinks. There's plenty of time to ruin your livers and spend mornings gnawing dry toast when you're of legal drinking age.

Q: I feel like a man. Every time i like a guy (which isn't very often because im picky) im super interested and excited for about a month or two but once we start to get closer i start to push away. And its not that they suffocate me, its just I get bored and eventually disgusted by them . Our conversations start to bore me and he seems to become boring.
Its ruined a lot of good relationships for me and i think its beginning to ruin one right now..what is wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you at all. I'm the exact same way. I had a trend where guys wouldn't make it past 3 months up until I met my husband 7 years ago.

Just because a guy is great doesn't mean he's long term relationship material. It takes more than "he treats me well and is cute" to make a real relationship. You have to have real long-term compatibility and you have to be able to keep each other on your toes. There's nothing wrong at all with being choosy.

Once you find the right guy you'll find yourself surprised at how easy it is to keep things new and fresh.

Q: My daughter and her boyfriend of six months are very unhappy with the fact that his mother will not except my daughter in anyway. She said that if my daughter comes into her house, she will walk out. She puts my daughter down in conversation with her son and the rest of the family. Her son has given my self and my husband permission to talk to her about the situation. What should we do, what should we say? We need advice on how to handle this! We don't want to make it worse.

The best way for you to handle this is to stay out of the picture, unless you're good friends with your daughter's boyfriend's mother. The person who needs to confront the mother is her son, and her son alone.

I had some serious problems with my mother-in-law for the first few years I was with my husband. It got to the point where she was inviting him to family dinners, but only without me, and this was while we were engaged. He ended up having words with her about it, and she refused to start treating me like part of the family. It was hard for him, but he refused to see her until she would start acting civilly. It took a year, but family gatherings are a lot less stressful now!

If your daughter's boyfriend can't man up and stand up to his mother, that means he's not willing to stand up for your daughter. It's not your job to step in and rescue her from his family: it's his.

Q: I'm a 13 year old girl in grade 7. I was sexually abused for 4 years but got it sorted out now. My best friend knows about everything I'm gonna be righting about. I've tried killing myself about 3 times once before she came to my school and twice after by taking sleeping pills usually about 5-7. Well I wanna again I really don't wanna live. I'd just like to know what is the most you can take by at the point you'll die? I don't wanna tell my friend this cs she has enough problems of her own right now. I wanted to cut myself last night but I got to scared. Pls just tell me the ammount of pills that would kill you. And how long will you sleep if you take about 7 or 8 and how will you feel the next morning. I weigh 42 and my height is 155 cm.

As someone who has overdosed in the past, I'm going to tell you it's not worth it. Whatever pain you're going through, this isn't the way out.

I tried to overdose on my antidepressants. I ended up vomiting for hours, hallucinating and drifting in and out of consciousness. My eyes kept twitching to the point where I couldn't focus on anything, and I was seeing double. I thought I was going to die that night, and while it didn't bother me, it nearly killed my soon-to-be husband. I'm lucky I didn't do any permanent damage to my body, because it's common for people to end up with severe liver or brain damage when they overdose.

You're right that your friend may not be the best person to help you, but that's because none of us are really equipped at 13 to deal with the sort of things you're dealing with. Find an adult that you can trust. It may be one of your parents, another relative, a teacher or your guidance counselor. Or pick up the phone and call a suicide hotline. Just don't let yourself be alone with a decision like this hanging over your head.

What you've gone through is awful and traumatic, but it doesn't have to be the basis for the rest of your life. Many people survive sexual abuse and go on to live full, happy lives. Give yourself a chance, because you've got a lot ahead of you.

Q: I think you all suck major balls. I've been trying to find a painless way to kill myself for the past 2 hours. If someone wants to kill themselves then they probably have a very good reason for it so why don't you fuckers just give some fucking answers instead of the FAKE bullshit like "your too young to die" or "You have so much to live for" or "think about how your hurting your loved ones" in most cases what the hell makes you think we HAVE loved ones??? I'm so fucking sick of seeing those bullshit answers and i'm not even the person asking it on the fucking forms. If you can't answer the question then don't say anything at all! for me, as i'm sure it is for most, it is NOT for attention. It's to die PAINLESSLY. We don't give a fuck about how wonderful YOU think life is. The worst one i've seen yet is someone who has an illness and is in pain 24/7. no one could even help that poor soul end it. FUCK you all for not helping. FUCK YOU. go die. You are the reason for suicide. You are all stupid. I hate you. FUCK YOU ALL. You are NOT showing compassion you are being fucking HEARTLESS.

Echoing what Alin said, we can't tell people how to commit suicide. It's a serious legal issue, and you could be arrested for providing that kind of assistance, even in a seemingly anonymous situation.

I was one of those people who came here asking for a painless way to die, back in 2006. I asked an anonymous question, and I was hoping to find a way out. I was just starting to spiral into the worst depths of mental illness, and I saw no hope in my future. Mostly, I felt worthless and miserable and isolated, and I didn't feel like I could possibly live another day.

Here's why every response to a suicide question is important:

I came to Advicenators looking for a way out, but I ended up finding a reason to stay. The outpouring of concern from total strangers, the assurance that someone, somewhere cared if I lived or died. When everyone around me was abandoning me and my life was falling apart, I found solace in this website. Not every answer was solid gold. I got some religious commentary, which was useless for an atheist like me, and I got some young teenagers telling me "Life's not so bad :D". I also got some really smart, compassionate answers from experienced individuals. Every one of those answers meant that someone was taking the time to tell me they care, which is what a lot of suicidal people feel is lacking.

So, was everything sunny from then on? Hell no. Since that date there were multiple suicide attempts and hospitalizations and absolute mental breakdowns until I found the right treatment regimen with the help of my doctor. It was 5 years of hell before I could even pick myself up enough to start leaving the house on a regular basis. Did Advicenators fix all of my problems? No. But I found just a little strand of hope here, something I could fix my gaze on when everything else was a howling black void. I could come back and ask questions about how to deal with my situation, whether I should call the doctor after overdosing and how to cope with the aftermath of my really bad episodes.

I answer suicide questions when I can, especially when people go into their reasons. Why do I do this? Because I wouldn't be here if it weren't for this website. I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams. I wouldn't have lived to see us buy our first house, and I wouldn't have walked down the aisle on my perfect, sunny wedding day. I would have given up on myself, never believing that things could get better. I don't want anyone to sell themselves short like I did. Everyone has hidden strength within them, and sometimes all it takes is someone telling them that they're worth the fight.

I agree that someone who is in chronic pain from a terminal illness should be given the option of physician-assisted suicide. I don't believe that someone who is looking to suicide as a way to escape a bad situation, a traumatic past, or a mental illness should be helped along that path. Every death that results from something like that is preventable, and we do our best here to prevent it.

So no, we're not all platitude-spouting asshats. You'd be surprised at how many of us have scars. The difference between us and the rest of the world is that we're willing to show those scars to total strangers and tell them that they're not alone, that we care and that things can get better.

Q: In high school,I have this attractive, 30 or maybe a bit younger something English teacher who wears dresses,skirts and heels and she always crosses her legs nicely when she sits down. She also seems to want to chat more with her male students. Is she trying to be flirty and get the attention of her male students?

Very, very likely not.

Just because a teacher takes care with her appearance doesn't mean that she's trying to lure in her students. That kind of misstep could cost a teacher her job, so she's not likely to even think in that direction.

As Razhie said, women in their 20s-30s are generally not attracted to teenage boys. As a woman in this age group, I can tell you that I wonder how I ever found teenage boys attractive: at this point in my life, I find them kind of gross (no offense).

I think you're looking for signs where there aren't any. Everyone has a teacher at some point in their lives that they find attractive. You'll get over this eventually.

Q: I REALLY want to get into electrical engineering. As somebody who's already studying it, how is it? What's it like? Do you really enjoy it?

Sorry. I'm really curious.

If you're interested in electricity and have an aptitude for technology, then it's fantastic!

It's a lot of hard work. I have 25 hours of class a week, with 8 hours of that spent in labs. I end up doing about 25-30 hours a week of course work outside of class. Fortunately, the further in I get, the more I love the work and don't mind spending time doing it! You do have to enjoy what you're doing and not resent hard work. You can't skim by with a 60%. Out of hundreds in first year, there are typically only about 30-50 graduates at my school.

I'm taking an interesting variety of courses, including classes on computers and networking, communications and electricity and electronic devices. The course material is really cool in that it all starts to tie together over time.

The thing I like most about it is that there's no end to the possibilities. With education in electrical engineering, you can design robots, work with power generation, or control the processes in a factory!

Q: I am 13 and in a bra size 34b but my boobs are not rounded, still pointy. Is this normal?
Sorry about the bluntness of this question...

Every woman's breasts are shaped differently. Especially when you're younger (before gravity has a chance to mess with you) they'll likely be a bit pointier rather than rounder.

When you see giant spherical braless breasts, chances are they're not real. As you grow (and you likely will) they'll round out and drop a little bit.

So yes, you're absolutely normal!

Q: Billie Joe Armstrong. I know-yesterday, he turned 41, and I'm just a teenager. I know every thing about him, and Green Day and Sweet Child and ... Billie. I'm not asking for advice on how to stop liking Green Day since I spent more than $500 of Green Day/Billie stuff just this year, plus having every song of him possible, plus tickets to see his AI show in my area soon but ... is there anything wrong with me? I'm sorry if I disturb you, like, I know he's married, but I've had these dreams and all kinds of ... oh god, I'm ranting, I'll stop. Should I tell my parents, since they already know I like Green Day and all, and my friends like Green Day too. I feel stuck. I have a journal filled with Billie Joe Armstrong drawings and lyrics and desires and entries of why I like him and all ... btw, I'm a girl, just thirteen, and anything would be good. Thank you.

When I was 13, I was in love with Dexter Holland of The Offspring. Like, seriously in love. For some perspective, he's my father's age and I'm 25 now. You're not alone in this sort of thing.

Obsessions are part of being 13. I can pretty much guarantee you that by the time you hit 16 or 17, you'll have calmed down a lot. There's no harm in fantasizing about a famous person, so long as you recognize that nothing will come of it. So enjoy, and keep those journals to giggle about when you're my age :)

Q: Hi there,

Thanks again for your advice. I have a question regarding my dismissal from graduate school. I was informed that I will have a chance to reapply to the program after one year. In your experience, what do you think the likelihood is that I will be considered for admission once I've been dismissed? I will use this time to work/volunteer and possibly take extra classes so that I am better prepared for school and can prove that I am capable of handling graduate level education. I hope that all of that is also considered in the admissions process.

Thanks for your feedback!

I think you've got the right idea. Throw yourself into work and volunteering (if you can somehow volunteer in the area you studied in, that would be even better!) and take the time to work on yourself.

Unfortunately, I can't say anything about the likelihood of being accepted later on. It all depends on the program and the person doing the selection process. That said, at least you'd be giving yourself a leg up by taking some time first.

Worst case scenario, there are always opportunities. If I've learned anything, it's that sometimes Plan A just isn't going to happen. Being rejected by my program actually opened me up to joining another program where I'm happier than before. You never know.

Q: I was dismissed from a masters program due to failure to meet academic expectations set forth in the clinical portion. I appealed the faculty's decision to the department chair on grounds that I was feeling anxious/depressed and not in the right place..but have since taken care of myself and feel determined to succeed. Since the faculty followed department policy, I was required to appeal to the dean of the college--- I provided documentation from my therapist, and a written appeal. I asked to meet in person, but have just received a letter stating that my appeal was denied and that I have the option of re-applying after one year.

At this point, I am willing to appeal to a higher level in the university. I have a few questions regarding this process:

1) Given the information above, what is the best office to contact? What is best to ask?

2) What are my chances of a successful appeal (realistically)?

3) How could an attorney help me in the process, if it came down to it?

I've been here, in a way, and I'm going to tell you to put the brakes on.

I was in a university program and ended up failing out because of mental health issues. I spent a few years putting myself back together, presented my case to the department and was denied. I know the kind of white-hot rage that comes with something like that, and the sense of injustice. I'm going to tell you now that they're not wrong.

The university would be putting a lot of work into you, as a graduate student. They need to know that you're going to be okay. While a doctor's note should be enough, they have no proof that you're ready for the pressure again.

Having gone through this a couple of years ago and come out the other side, they are absolutely right. You haven't tested yourself. You'd be going from zero to 100 without any intermediate steps. If I'd tried to go back to school immediately, I would have crashed and burned. Instead, I worked for a few years, overcame a few hiccups and got to a point where I can be back in school (not the same program) and doing well again.

I am just about 99.5% certain that there's nobody else you can go to. At my university, there wasn't, unless it was a civil rights violation, which it wasn't. Bringing in a lawyer is one of the worst things you could do, because it would label you as the litigious person.

Life can go on hold for a little while. It's not the end of the world if you have to put your masters degree off for a bit while you jump through some hoops, or even if you have to switch your life plans around altogether. Unless you're 99 years old with one foot in the grave, you have time. Use this opportunity to make sure that you'll be 100% ready for next year.

Q: Well I have this boyfriend who is the sweetest guy ever, he gave me flowers for valentines day, takes me out to dinner, comes to all of my performances, and treats me like a princess.:) We have been dating for 6 months now but recently within the last couple of months he has been giving me one word answers while we are texting and so i ask what he is doing and his response is always "computer". I am fine with him being on the computer but I really miss our old conversations we used to have and his long sweet texts:'( I told him about this and he is still the same sweet, loving guy i know when we are hanging out, but when we are texting, it's not the same. I know that texting should not determine how a guy feels about you but why did he always used to send long adorable texts and now not so much?

This is the main reason why I hate texting.

When you text constantly, you run out of things to say. Once you get past the first couple of months of a relationship, there's only so much "I wuv YOU more, snoogiewoogiebear" that you can say to each other. This means that long texting conversations are boring and kind of useless.

Is your conversation serious? Is it something other than "So... what are you doing?" Probably not. That's why your boyfriend is prioritizing the rest of his life over texting. Imagine if he did nothing but respond to your texts at great length... he'd get nothing done!

You say that your boyfriend is amazing and sweet. Leave it at that. My suggestion would be to put a hiatus on texting altogether... it would remind you what a catch you've got and keep your mind from overanalyzing his every reply.

Q: So about a month ago my girlfriend admitted to me she might have made a huge mistake but didn't really recollect it. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and to be honest I'm beginning to fall madly in love with her. I found out that 3 months prior to me dating her ( keep in mind I was talking to her at the time and hooking up with her but we were not dating) she drank way too much alcohol and completely blacked out., woke up the next day in her own piss and puke and the last thing she remembered was being at a party (we attend the same college) and my roommate and friend were hitting on her hard. The next day she texted my "friend" what happened? He replied u got way too drunk we walked you home and you fell asleep. I immediately contacted the both of them to confront them what I've learned..trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. One denied anything happened including walking her home and the other didn’t pick up his phone.. So I realized someone's lying here. I called one of my other roommates up and he told me he meant to tell me about this months ago but couldn't. My one roommate who committed the act blacked out and admitted to my other roommate that this happened. My one roommate then told everyone we were friends with at school about what happened. So here everyone knew the whole time but no one had enough balls to tell me this happened (3 months they kept it from me) he told me that my other roommate who committed the act walked my drunk girlfriend to her room with my friend and she ripped her clothes off an one of them stuck they're penis in her mouth the other banged her in the bed. I told my girlfriend the bad news that I learned. Pissed off as all hell. She started to cry. She doesn't remember a thing besides walking with them and passing out and seeing them leave her room at her apartment. She didn’t say anything to me about it at the time because she wasn't sure herself it was like a blurry dream to her (which u could understand if you've ever been
blacked out on alcohol) she was balling her eyes out and admitted she had sex with my one "friend" in the threesome previously to this incident like a week or two before it but regrets that too she hated it and felt bad she did it to me behind my back...but lied to me when i first initially asked if she had sex with him.. she's always had alcohol problems. She'd black out all the time..one time I had sex with her for like an hour and she doesn't remember a thing. She's been in AA ten times.. Since this incident she quit drinking. Goes home on the weekend to work to pay for a car to use it to see me. She's doing a lot to prove to me she isn't a whore. She's changed. She didn't want that to happen to her. Etc..now the two kids involved with this are now telling my old roommates she wanted to do it etc. I don't know if they're lying and sayin that to clear their name ( they did lie to me when I asked if it even happened) or she really did ask to do it..regardless they are 24 and 22 years old and she's 19. You don't take advantage of a obviously hammered 19 year old like that especially when you consider me a "friend" and I was away that night for my cousins birthday. I'm obviously not friends with these scumbags anymore. But I'm having trouble getting over this incident that happened months before we were dating. It sucks. I feel betrayed by everyone, her, my friends everyone and I'm such a nice guy. She's doing a lot to prove to me she wants to make this up to me.I even questioned about having a MFF threesome with her to make up for it (which I don't know if that's a good idea) and she said no at first but gave into it because she doesn't want to lose me. She practically has no life now and works just for me to pay for her car by driving 2 hours to her hometown on the weekends to work. I don't know what to do. I see her side of the story but I don't want to be labeled a sucker by my friends for giving this "whore" to them a second chance. Even tho she isn't a whore. I feel betrayed by all of them as well. She lied to me and kept this from me so obviously I have trust issues now. And the worst part is I can't stop thinking about this. It kills me that I keep yelling at her for it bringing it up because I warned her something bad like this woulda happened if she didn't learn how to control her drinking. She has changed in front of my eyes so far and I'm proud of her (even losing 20 lbs) since this happened. She's turned her life around completely. I'm just having trouble getting over this especially when people keep reminding me of it..I feel like the world’s biggest sucker (everyone knew except for me) she didn't know either really but still she could have told me "maybe" it happened and that she had sex with my one friend a week prior to this incident.. I don't know what to do if I can't get over this I can't be with her I'm hoping time will help me heal and maybe even a threesome myself (even though hers was more of a rape..) I'm stuck in this dilemma on my last limb ..please help

Your girlfriend was raped. Someone who is blackout drunk cannot give consent, so your friends raped her. Now, you're calling her a whore (I know you say she's not, but above that you say "to prove to me that she's not a whore") and saying that she needs to somehow make it up to you? That is abusive, unhealthy behaviour, and it needs to stop.

Your girlfriend is taking steps to control her alcohol problem. This was a big wake up call for her. She learned a lesson in the worst of ways. What she needs is loving support to get her through the hardest part of recovery, not someone to slut shame her and take this as a license to guilt her into a threesome.

She doesn't "owe" you anything for being a rape victim. You're not a sucker for not having known. Disclosure of a trauma like this is at the victim's discretion, so she definitely didn't lie to you. It would have been extremely hard for her to tell anyone about it, so you should have considered yourself privileged to be entrusted with that information. Be aware that your reaction will make her shy away from future openness with you.

Thinking that a threesome for you would make it all better is wrong. Threesomes are something to be entered into by three consenting adults for their own enjoyment, not as compensation for one partner's sexual history. You seem to fail to understand that this isn't something she sought out: this is a situation that was forced on her.

You need to suck up whatever it is that you're feeling and help your girlfriend, if you really care about her. If your friends think she's a whore because they raped her, they certainly have no right to judge her. The only person who can tell you what kind of a person your girlfriend is is you. Your girlfriend has done one of the hardest things to do in life: she's overcome an alcohol problem and is turning her life around. You need to be with her on that journey forward, not fixating on one horrible moment in her past.

Q: So is it just me or am I just me but my question is.. Is it disrespectful for your girlfriend to text and call other guys in front you an talk about your relationship problems with other people than to just talk to the other half?

I'm going to disagree with Braiden to a certain extent.

I contact other guys in front of my husband all the time. I have mostly male friends and classmates, and my best friend is a man. Now, none of this is romantic: if she's flirting with other guys in front of you, that's pretty disrespectful, but if it's just chit-chat there's no reason for you to get your hackles up.

As for talking about your relationship problems with other people, that isn't necessarily rude. When I'm particularly frustrated with my husband I'll talk to my best few friends to get their opinion on the situation. Sometimes they smack me upside the head and tell me not to be so dramatic about it, sometimes they back me up and tell me I'm right to be upset. It's good to get feedback from people who aren't directly involved, and sometimes it's good to just vent: just look at how many people ask their relationship questions on here every day! Heck, you're technically talking to others about your relationship problems right now. It's not necessarily a bad thing. That said, I wouldn't broadcast problems to acquaintances, co-workers, and the world at large. Airing your dirty laundry is rude.

bio

My Personal Forum

My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.

In my last 8 years with Advicenators, I've gone from honours student to failing out of university (and getting back on top again!), from single to married, from tenant to homeowner.

Until lately, I have been struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and OCD, which had basically ruined my life and taken just about everything from me. I'm thankful every day for every experience I've had because of this ordeal, because it's helped to make me who I am today. Things like that really make you appreciate what you do have. Now that I'm back in work and school and starting to become myself again, I couldn't be happier. I credit Advicenators with saving my life back when I was a teenager, which is a big part of why I'm still here.

I won't necessarily give you the answers you want to hear, but I'll always be honest and do my best to help.