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Talking to my daughter's boyfriend's mother
My daughter and her boyfriend of six months are very unhappy with the fact that his mother will not except my daughter in anyway. She said that if my daughter comes into her house, she will walk out. She puts my daughter down in conversation with her son and the rest of the family. Her son has given my self and my husband permission to talk to her about the situation. What should we do, what should we say? We need advice on how to handle this! We don't want to make it worse.
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I agree with Ninja. The best thing you can do for them is not get involved directly, but be supportive and give them both your sympathy and advice.
If this boy's mother can't give you daughter basic respect, then why would she listen to anything you have to say anyways? You'd only be meddling and it will make things worse. There is nothing you can say that she wont find threatening or insulting, and it's most likely to provoke her to even more inappropriate and cruel behavoir.
The only reason you should get involved is if she threatens your daughter or is violent towards her. In that case, you should call the cops.
You don't offer your daugher's age, but I would think that if she is old enough to date, then she is old enough to accept that some people just wont like her, and that some people are just bullies. If this woman is openly hostile or cruel towards her, than she shouldn't be spending much time in thier home. This will put more onus on you as a parent to let the young couple visit in your home, and have other places to be together.
If she and her boyfriend are young teens and he is dependant on his parents, he may not be able to stand up for her in quite the manner he would if he was an adult. It takes a lot of maturity and confidence to stick up for your partner to one of your parents. However, that doesn't mean it's your place to do it for him, not even if he gives you permission.
You might suggest to him that he speak to another family member who has observed his mothers behavoir and ask them to help him express how rude and cruel it is. You might advise him to draw the line at name-calling, and to point out to his mother when she crosses that line (most people can awknowlegde that calling someone names is not okay).
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The best way for you to handle this is to stay out of the picture, unless you're good friends with your daughter's boyfriend's mother. The person who needs to confront the mother is her son, and her son alone.
I had some serious problems with my mother-in-law for the first few years I was with my husband. It got to the point where she was inviting him to family dinners, but only without me, and this was while we were engaged. He ended up having words with her about it, and she refused to start treating me like part of the family. It was hard for him, but he refused to see her until she would start acting civilly. It took a year, but family gatherings are a lot less stressful now!
If your daughter's boyfriend can't man up and stand up to his mother, that means he's not willing to stand up for your daughter. It's not your job to step in and rescue her from his family: it's his.
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