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Can't get over my girlfriends "threesome" before we were dating
So about a month ago my girlfriend admitted to me she might have made a huge mistake but didn't really recollect it. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and to be honest I'm beginning to fall madly in love with her. I found out that 3 months prior to me dating her ( keep in mind I was talking to her at the time and hooking up with her but we were not dating) she drank way too much alcohol and completely blacked out., woke up the next day in her own piss and puke and the last thing she remembered was being at a party (we attend the same college) and my roommate and friend were hitting on her hard. The next day she texted my "friend" what happened? He replied u got way too drunk we walked you home and you fell asleep. I immediately contacted the both of them to confront them what I've learned..trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. One denied anything happened including walking her home and the other didn’t pick up his phone.. So I realized someone's lying here. I called one of my other roommates up and he told me he meant to tell me about this months ago but couldn't. My one roommate who committed the act blacked out and admitted to my other roommate that this happened. My one roommate then told everyone we were friends with at school about what happened. So here everyone knew the whole time but no one had enough balls to tell me this happened (3 months they kept it from me) he told me that my other roommate who committed the act walked my drunk girlfriend to her room with my friend and she ripped her clothes off an one of them stuck they're penis in her mouth the other banged her in the bed. I told my girlfriend the bad news that I learned. Pissed off as all hell. She started to cry. She doesn't remember a thing besides walking with them and passing out and seeing them leave her room at her apartment. She didn’t say anything to me about it at the time because she wasn't sure herself it was like a blurry dream to her (which u could understand if you've ever been
blacked out on alcohol) she was balling her eyes out and admitted she had sex with my one "friend" in the threesome previously to this incident like a week or two before it but regrets that too she hated it and felt bad she did it to me behind my back...but lied to me when i first initially asked if she had sex with him.. she's always had alcohol problems. She'd black out all the time..one time I had sex with her for like an hour and she doesn't remember a thing. She's been in AA ten times.. Since this incident she quit drinking. Goes home on the weekend to work to pay for a car to use it to see me. She's doing a lot to prove to me she isn't a whore. She's changed. She didn't want that to happen to her. Etc..now the two kids involved with this are now telling my old roommates she wanted to do it etc. I don't know if they're lying and sayin that to clear their name ( they did lie to me when I asked if it even happened) or she really did ask to do it..regardless they are 24 and 22 years old and she's 19. You don't take advantage of a obviously hammered 19 year old like that especially when you consider me a "friend" and I was away that night for my cousins birthday. I'm obviously not friends with these scumbags anymore. But I'm having trouble getting over this incident that happened months before we were dating. It sucks. I feel betrayed by everyone, her, my friends everyone and I'm such a nice guy. She's doing a lot to prove to me she wants to make this up to me.I even questioned about having a MFF threesome with her to make up for it (which I don't know if that's a good idea) and she said no at first but gave into it because she doesn't want to lose me. She practically has no life now and works just for me to pay for her car by driving 2 hours to her hometown on the weekends to work. I don't know what to do. I see her side of the story but I don't want to be labeled a sucker by my friends for giving this "whore" to them a second chance. Even tho she isn't a whore. I feel betrayed by all of them as well. She lied to me and kept this from me so obviously I have trust issues now. And the worst part is I can't stop thinking about this. It kills me that I keep yelling at her for it bringing it up because I warned her something bad like this woulda happened if she didn't learn how to control her drinking. She has changed in front of my eyes so far and I'm proud of her (even losing 20 lbs) since this happened. She's turned her life around completely. I'm just having trouble getting over this especially when people keep reminding me of it..I feel like the world’s biggest sucker (everyone knew except for me) she didn't know either really but still she could have told me "maybe" it happened and that she had sex with my one friend a week prior to this incident.. I don't know what to do if I can't get over this I can't be with her I'm hoping time will help me heal and maybe even a threesome myself (even though hers was more of a rape..) I'm stuck in this dilemma on my last limb ..please help
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First everyone has a past and sometimes that post is not something we are very proud of. Your girlfriend is very young and she for one part was taken advantage of for the other part she raped.
The law is very specific on this part: A person who is not capable of giving knowledgeable consent cannot legally consent to any thing including sex. Even if the way your buddy's are telling the story that she was the aggressor, which I highly doubt given drunk they say she was. At that point their responsibility was to see to her safety by putting her to bed and leaving. Instead they sodomized her (oral sex is sodomy) and raped her. Because of the way the story is being told she feel as she is the one who is wrong. This is not true she is a victim.
If you truly love this women then you need to help her. First you too must realize that she is a victim her and that your so called friends took advantage of her and raped her. I believe she realizes she has been raped and feels it is her fault mostly because she has no memory of the vent. If she can't remember the event then she could not consent. Without consent she has been raped. It matters not if she has had sex in the past with any of these boys.
For her to move forward and to properly deal with this she needs not only professional help, she needs to see that these boys are punished for what they did. This means filing a police report with either the campus police or the local police force.
As for professional help there is an organization that operates a 24 hour hot line. The organization is called RAINN which stands for; Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. The people who take the calls are trained to talk with her and help her through this. TO help her understand that she is a victim and to find people in the town where she lives that can give her the help and professional support to deal with this and properly put it behind her.
Most of all she will need your love and support. As I said we all have a past. If you have feeling for her don't hold her past against her. Remember she was or is young. Away from home possibly for the first time and lacked the maturity she needed to deal with certain situations. From what you have written she is changing and maturing. If you like who she is today that is what counts.
At the very least get her to file a police report and put her in contact with RAINN. There Number is 1-800-656-HOPE
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Your girlfriend didn't 'have a threesome', she was gang raped.
Taken advantage of doesn't cover it here and it was not 'more of a rape'. It was just rape. She was victimized by these two guys. There is no court in the land that wouldn't call this rape, or at least sexual assault. She was blackout drunk and unable to consent to sex.
It doesn't matter if she has had problems with drinking, or if she pulled her clothes off first - she was unable to consent. It doesn't matter what ANYONE DOES, not if they drink too much, not if they prance around in skimpy clothes, not if they walk home by themselves or live in a sketchy neighborhood. Nothing a person does means they deserve to be raped.
She was raped. She didn't deserve it. She didn't do anything to 'make it happen'. One in three women will be sexually assaulted or raped in their life span. We're not all out there begging for it. We are just living lives, going out and being human beings - the fact that being a women makes you a target for rape can be blamed on only one group of people: The Rapists.
If you can't learn to be respectful and sensible when dealing with the fallout of sexual violence - then you aren't able to be a respectful and loving partner to that 33% of women.
Having a MFF threesome is a HORRIBLE idea. You don't ask a sexual assault victim to make it up to her boyfriend with another sex act. That's horrifically misguided and very selfish and continues to imply that it was her fault she was raped. It is not okay to ask her to do something sexually for you, to make up for the fact that she a victim of rape. That's not much better than victimizing her all over again through emotional blackmail.
Which isn't to say I don't sympathize with you - it is very tough to be the partner of someone who was raped, but honestly, whether you stay with her or not, you need to put on your big boy pants and get the fuck over yourself.
I understand you may be embarrassed in front of your friends, but compare that to be raped and having the world blame you for being victimized by others. Compare that to carrying the label of whore for the rest of your life. Compare that to having your boyfriend holds you responsible for being raped and expects you to make it up to him in sexual favours.
Sure, you are hurting. She is hurting more, and will suffer for far, far longer than you will.
You can walk away from this situation. She never can.
You don't get to punish a woman because your trust was broken by your guy friends, or because you are embarrassed to be with a woman who was a victim of violence.
Being an adult means sometimes recognizing when society is being viciously cruel and unfair to your someone else and NOT joining in. You don't call her a whore (frankly, real men don't call any woman a whore, not even the ones who actually do money for sex) and you correct others who do.
Even if you can't be with her, at least be a decent human being and recognize she was the victim here. Stop blaming her for 'getting herself raped', that's not okay. Stop expecting her make it up to you, and stop letting what your friends say about her define how much respect you are willing to give her.
Maybe you can't or don't want to be with her. That's okay. Being hurt and embarrassed is also fine. Being angry is understandable. But a lot of what you are saying and thinking about this is NOT okay. You are engaging in forms of victim blaming.
She deserves exactly the same amount of respect today as she did before she was raped. If you can't give that to her, then you should end the relationship, and work on yourself until you can respect a person even if they have been the victim of sexual violence.
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Your girlfriend was raped. Someone who is blackout drunk cannot give consent, so your friends raped her. Now, you're calling her a whore (I know you say she's not, but above that you say "to prove to me that she's not a whore") and saying that she needs to somehow make it up to you? That is abusive, unhealthy behaviour, and it needs to stop.
Your girlfriend is taking steps to control her alcohol problem. This was a big wake up call for her. She learned a lesson in the worst of ways. What she needs is loving support to get her through the hardest part of recovery, not someone to slut shame her and take this as a license to guilt her into a threesome.
She doesn't "owe" you anything for being a rape victim. You're not a sucker for not having known. Disclosure of a trauma like this is at the victim's discretion, so she definitely didn't lie to you. It would have been extremely hard for her to tell anyone about it, so you should have considered yourself privileged to be entrusted with that information. Be aware that your reaction will make her shy away from future openness with you.
Thinking that a threesome for you would make it all better is wrong. Threesomes are something to be entered into by three consenting adults for their own enjoyment, not as compensation for one partner's sexual history. You seem to fail to understand that this isn't something she sought out: this is a situation that was forced on her.
You need to suck up whatever it is that you're feeling and help your girlfriend, if you really care about her. If your friends think she's a whore because they raped her, they certainly have no right to judge her. The only person who can tell you what kind of a person your girlfriend is is you. Your girlfriend has done one of the hardest things to do in life: she's overcome an alcohol problem and is turning her life around. You need to be with her on that journey forward, not fixating on one horrible moment in her past.
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As a deliberate act, with no sense of remorse and no attempts to correct it or prevent it happening again this would take some forgiving. As a young bloke you'd have no hesitation in cutting her out of your thoughts entirely and rolling the relationship dice again. Persisting with the relationship would not be an option. This would seem not to be the case. Before we know how much is 'enough' some have to learn how much is 'too much'. In short, some do 'have to be burned to learn'. We make mistakes. Try not to view this as something she wanted to do anyway and an excess of alcohol was just the excuse to do it. It sounds unlikely from what you have written. The event is now in the past and beyond any possibility of change. How it impacts on the future is your decision. As is how much you let the opinions and decisions of others control YOUR life. The stumbling block seems to be that you feel something of an object of ridicule among your friends, or 'peer group'. We have a need to feel respected by our peer group, equal with them and identify with them. This is why it's cutting you up. Alright, the last bit's 'psycho-babble', you want a practical answer right? Well the fact is you won't be the centre of attention or the focus of gossip for long. To others, your nightmare will have relatively short 'shelf-life'. There's only so much mileage in it. They, and you will move onto a new topic. If you ditch her, or stay with will make no difference, it will cease to be of any interest to them either way. So the question is, do you want to make what is for you a life-decision based on something so temporary? Three-months, relative to the usual span of a life is nothing at all. Whether your decision is to stay with her or look elsewhere I would not dare to predict and cannot tell you. But I will advise this. Roll with the punches for a bit and try not to make ANY decision either way YET. When yo can view the big picture, with a cool and calm mind, uninfluenced by the opinions of others...then make your choice.
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This sounds like she was taken advantage of. Nobody who is smashed can consent with a clear mind. However even if thus were to be the case, I do not completely defend your girlfriend on this one. People are in control of how much alcohol they consume and here your girlfriend was not responsible.
Anyhow, if this all happened before you got together then I would try and let it slide. Don't allow her to 'make it up' by doing something over again that will repeat what happened that night. Move on and focus on the two of you, Do not let others in your personal lives as this relationship is about the borh of you and not other people.
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