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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I'm really scared to tell my mom I'm on my period cause cause I feel like she will be weird about it and I'm 11

The reason this feels so scary to you is because we are all raised to understand some things are private, so you go to the bathroom in private, and you bath in private. Since it involves something that is very private, it's hard to mention it the first time for most people. But remember, once you've told Mom just the first time, it gets easier, you don't have to tell her again, she already knows.

Be thankful you have a mom to talk to about it, imagine a girl with only a dad. She'd have to talk to an aunt or sis or girl cousin instead and than it feels like the whole family knows.

As you've been told, its a natural thing and other than surprised you're starting at 11 instead of the age Mom was if vastly different, it doesnt matter. It is still normal. I've heard of early bloomers at age 11 and believe a neighbors daughter once started at age 10 and most have a period at 13,14,15 as average. But then there are still late bloomers who might start at 16,17 and perhaps even the odd one at 18. In most cases, there is no medical problem, its just the body waking up on its own time.
You will want the support of having Mom know. that way if you are out with the family and start and need help, you can always ask Mom who may carry something with her for emergency or make a quick trip to buy you pads. If anything different happens, the bleeding is too heavy for pads to hold, this doesnt happen often but my daughters best friend had that happen and had to see Dr to get medication to put that under control. Perhaps you might get cramping with period. It would be good to have mom to talk to and know whether its a normal pain or a problem. Parents don't always seem like they enjoy talking about anything as private as cycles or sex but when it comes to daughters, a Mom does want to be there for you, not have you muddle through it on your own which is hard if impractible to do.

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First off he's only been a Vegan for about a month. To me this isn't really a Vegan, just somebody going through a phase. He's in that stage where he gets really defensive if you ask him why or ask him to explain some of his reasons.

We've only been out three times, so we're not too serious.

My problem is I grew up with two parents who loved to cook and in turn, I love to cook. I can't imagine living without seafood or meat. I love all kinds of proteins and especially cooking with them.


To me, him being a vegan is kind of a deal breaker. I want to be with somebody who will eat the food I cook and who I can take to family dinners and go out to eat with. I also love trying new restaurants and foods, where as he's obviously a very picky eater. When I told some of my friends they disapproved and I kind of agree with their reasons. Usually vegans are very arrogant and I could see him possibly being that way since he gets defensive about it very quickly for somebody who hasn't been a vegan for very long. They also of course know my love of food and think that while it's something I can probably handle early on, that as things progress I will become more and more unhappy not being able to cook for him all the foods I love or having to be careful about where we go out to eat.

I already had to take my best friend instead of him to a restaurant I'd been dying to try for a long time because they didn't have any real vegan options.

You used the words 'deal breaker' in reference to him being vegan. I find it interesting, as the 2nd time around, looking for a mate, I had a list of criteria (written) that a guy had to meet to be able to even date me. This was to weed out the guys who were too far out of the ballpark to even be considered by me. I had two lists, one of needs and one of wants. To me, a deal breaker was a need. Any persons idea of what a deal breaker would be for them will vary. For me, if I was still young and wanted kids and the guy did not, that would be a deal breaker as there is no compromise there, you can't be halfway pregnant and never bring a birthed child home from the hospital if the mate doesn't want one. There were other deal breakers for me and one was that he couldn't be a smoker as I am allergic to cigarette smoke. There is no compromise with that either.
Adviceman did mention ideas for a compromise on your issue. Some people might go for that if they were truly deeply in love but it sounds like you are the type, as am I, who is always looking a few steps ahead just in case to be ready for whatever. You want to have it figured out in your mind if the relationship does become serious. I am wondering if your 3 dates were all in the month he has been vegan and if you didn't know before dating him or if he changed after you'd gone out together.
I mentioned needs, so now for 'wants'. A want is not a crucial need, it is not a deal breaker. A want is like icing on the cake, it's great if its there but if not, you know you can live with it. My example, I had 'he likes to dance' and 'he has long hair' on this list. There were more items too but of the two, he has the long hair but can't dance for a specific reason, even if he wanted to. I have been able to live without it, miss it but I have managed to find that I like all the other good points about him so much that I know if I had looked around more to find a dancer, I would not have found the other must haves, in other men as there just plain old aren't that many men my age bracket who are the type of man I was looking for.
So what you need to do is review again and decide whether this is truly a deal breaker or would be nice but you can find ways to compromise and live with it. Best way to find out is to try doing that now with the guy. Try some of what adviceman suggested. YOu could also do as he suggested and ask the man why he changed to vegan. Perhaps someone in his family was having health problems or a disease that came about largely in part to their diet. The American diet is general is a very unhealthy one and there are not many options for those who want to eat healthier. I know of people who changed their diets in many ways, not necessarily becoming totally vegetarian or vegan but making drastic changes non the less. Perhaps he himself had medical concerns come up or he read some articles or stories that got him thinking he had to make a change in his diet. When people are faced with their quality of life and health and longevity based largely on what they consume, the easiest change for others is to follow a list of what a group of others are doing diet wise, like vegan, etc. He most likely will either refine that to take out some and add in others that aren't vegan. For example I call myself a vegetarian, its easier for others to understand, although I do eat some seafood and I like chicken, just a little added in a casserole or such but I am not a big meat eater. I truly don't like beef or anything gamey tasting and I dont' like grizzle or fat in meats. Its possible that in the long run, he may stay strictly vegan but if he had a gut reaction to eat healthier, it's more likely he will refine what he eats but its a good place to start.
If this was exploratory dating, not serious committed to each other dating, then if you know it wont be anything but a deal breaker for you, then now is the time to get out. Make a list of the other things that are deal breakers to you as well. I am sure there have to be a handful if not more, there were for me. Then whenever a guy shows interest in you and you both get together for a first date, dont make it a date to go have fun and do fun stuff, get the important stuff out of the way, have it be a date over coffee hashing out what is important to both of you. We start out being attracted to appearances or one or two traits we like that we see in a person by observance but theres a whole lot more buried beneath the surface that is better to know at the beginning rather than find out there is a couple deal breakers after 6 months of dating. Don't feel bad about this, You have every right to what you consider your own deal breakers and there will be men who get very upset with you for that but you know yourself best. Just don't make a snap judgement and give it some thought.

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To make a long story short I decided to join a club at college and was given the position of treasurer on the exec-board. I joined because the organization was aligned with my career goals and I wanted to be part of something in my community.

Well now I'm a couple months into it and not really feeling it like I was before. Only about 8 people showed up to our first meeting and nobody really seemed too enthused about it. I also didn't realize that we needed to raise money and it's a lot of money ($1700) per person. I don't think that's realistic at all for college students. We just started our first fundraising activity and it's like people couldn't care less about it. I've been going out of my way to help and to get other exec members to participate and everybody just magically vanishes when I ask them to help...

I'm thinking about resigning. It just seems like a giant waste of my time. I do want the title on my resume, but I'm not feeling like it's worth it if we can't even raise the money to go on the trip that our group is built around going on. I would sound like a failure if anybody ever asked me about it "Well yeah I did have an exec position for the group, but no we never went on the trip".

It's not like you applied for and got this position for your skills to do it. YOu got the position simply because no one else was willing to take it. The fact there is so little participation shows this group isn't at all what everyone seems to think it is. I am betting everyone who did sign up for the club did so for the same reasons as you, hoping it was an easy way to have something else that sounds impressive to put on your resume. Since you have reluctant board members, it sounds like the club is not a successful one and those hanging in just want it for their resume but if not for that, wouldn't think twice about quitting. What that attitude, its' no wonder no one else is pitching in. Rather than invest more time just to find I wasted my time by the end of my schooling, if it were me, I'd quit. You can always find something else to join, maybe in the community nearby that would somewhat align with your degree, not a club currently in existence at school. If nothing in common with your degree, any clubs or organizations that you are an active member of will still speak highly of you as a person as it isn't many who will volunteer to help at organizations, or be an active board member of another.

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I am 24 and never had a job really. Ive been volunteering at a hospital for 8 months and I only worked as a cashier for 2 months earlier this year. I really need a job but no one will hire me. I was diagnosed with schizoeffective disorder with bipolar and it held me back from getting a job for a long time. I've been to interviews, they never call me back or they ignore me when I call. I don't know how I should explain why I don't have much experience. I've been applying to caregiver, janitor, cashier jobs. How do I explain why I don't have much experience?

Since you mention schizoeffective disorder, you must feel it is relative to your getting hired. If you've been diagnosed, what has been done to help you be able to live a normal life? Have you been diagnosed as disabled because of it? How stressful is it to you to do volunteer work...forget the income right now, just how well do you know you can handle the every day stresses of a job, getting it all done, meeting deadlines, working well together with others, able to be friendly and helpful to customers, etc. If you are doing well, and can handle that, then an employer will wonder why there is a blank on work experience between 17, 18 when you got out of High school and age 23. I am not counting this year because you worked. So there are about 6 years. If you were gone traveling abroad as some HS grads do, then that is a good reason and pertinent information an employer will want to know. If however, you were undiganosed, and suffering with your disorders, there are not many people who will hire someone who is not going to be capable of doing a job position because their disabilities most likely will affect job performance. I used to be a caregiver. I had a woman who was mentally disabled and she had a social worker with the state who took care of certain things for her. So you might try your local DSHS and ask for a job guidance counselor. This person will find you a job that you can handle and the employers know of your disabilities and will work between you and employer to help iron out any issues that come up. This sounds like what you need. Ask family to help you find something like this.
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Hello. I'm 26 years old and I am have a bachelor's in education and currently finishing a degree in higher education. For those who don't know what that is, it is basically a degree that prepares you to work with college students, in areas such as: housing, academic advising, career counseling, student leadership, internships, etc. I always wanted to become an academic advisor and my ultimate dream is to become the Title 9 Coordinator for the institution that I work for. Since my bachelors was in education, I was a teacher for a bit. Unfortunately, the teachers at my school (private) were left without jobs once the school closed down. So, I took the next job that came along, and I've been working there for about 3 weeks. I work in an office and I enjoy it. A lot of what I do there is applicable to housing... but what I really want to do is academic advising.

I would have waited longer and not taken the first job that came along... but there were several reasons why. First, I have no financial support. I'm not married, nor do I have wealthy parents. I am completely and totally on my own financially. Secondly, there is a motivation to escape an abusive situation in my current living situation. Without getting into too much detail (bc it barely has anything to do with the question), I have had to sleep in the car on several occasions and I was told and encouraged to commit suicide. This is not a healthy environment for me. So, I need to escape and the only thing that will allow me that freedom is a job that pays descent.

Now... here is the problem. I live in a city that has the biggest wage gap in the country. That means, that people are paid very low in comparison to the cost of living. I don't work far from my home, but it takes me about an hour every morning because of traffic. If I moved to a more affordable side of town, driving to work would take me two hours. There are not many things that I can afford around where I work.

So, I get an e-mail just a few days ago from a local community college, telling me that they want to interview me for an academic advising position! This is the job that I really want. Although this job is part-time, the salary is high, and I have another job, which is teaching English remotely. So, I would have enough to make ends meet. I was thrilled about this news. Additionally, it is in a safe and affordable neighborhood. They would like for me to interview this week.

However, I just started working at this job. Although it may not have much to do with my career... and is in a part of town that I cannot afford anything nearby... it is a good job with a descent salary and great benefits. So, I don't want to jeopardize this job to go to an interview, without the guarantee... especially because I haven't been here very long. But, at the same time, this is an amazing opportunity for me. This is right up my alley in terms of career, the pay is good, and it's in an area that I can afford... meaning, that it wouldn't put any burden on me to escape the abusive situation. Hence, I really need some advice about how I can leave early on a work-day... even though I just started this job (yikes, not a good start!) I want to be able to explore this option without really backfiring what I already have.

Once again... understand that the situation makes it overall more heavy than just a job.

Thanks!

If all around the job to interview if you got it is the better deal for you, then there is no question but you having to go to the interview. I understand not wanting to jeopardize the current job because if the job interview doesn't end up in you being hired, then you have the current one to fall back on. Yes, I know it wouldn't look good to ask to get off early for a job interview elsewhere after starting there so recently.
So the only thing you could do is take a sick day off for the day of the interview. Being so new, you may not qualify for a paid sick day and you'll have to let them know you understand if thats the case.

If you are like me, you may not like to outright lie to people. In cases like this, if it bothers you that much, find some truth you can share in a wya that will lead others to believe what you want them to assume you are saying.
So if calling in to the current job before you would be due to leave to get to work, call in and let them know you aren't feeling well. That right now your stomach feels like its tied up in knots, thats how bad it hurts. The truth is, your stomach has been tied up in knots over how to get away for a job interview and how to manage everything cost wise for your living situation. They will assume it is a case of the 24 hr flu. THis is the time of year for it, so it won't seem odd at all. If by chance someone asks directly if you caught the flu, you can answer it sure feels like it. You haven't said yes nor no so its not a lie, just misleading a person to believe what you want them to beleive without lying. I don't use it often but only when a situation really requires it and i'd say your situation really does. Good luck and I'll pray that you get the job or be offered another really soon.

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I have a guy who I see as my friend but unfortunately for me he start having feelings for me and I love him too but the issue is that I can't express my feelings for him cos he is older than me am 21 and he is 32 so I need your help to solve the issue

I am hoping that you didn't realize that you explained that the age difference is your reason for not being able to express your feelings. That absolutely not possible. We as humans are capable of loving people of all sorts of ages, parents siblings,j friends and a significant others. If you think the age gap is too great, it isn't really. I know of people who were 9 years apart (my parents) to a couple at church who were 12 years apart and got married anyways. The only reason concern should be how a guy treats you, as an equal, loving, caring and being able to have a meeting of minds, things in common.

My guess is that this may be your first serious relationship and you don't feel comfortable with your having less experience than this older person. Well, there's experience in how to relate with other humans especially in a mate relationship and then there's sexual experience. If concerned about the realm of romance and sex and feeling you have no experience, the nice thing is, you don't need to have any. Yes, you need to be prepared with birth control if going down that route eventually, but for even having a first kiss or at least first kiss and more, each person is different in what they like and how to be touched so basically you have to re learn it all for the next partner if a relationship ends. Since you and the guy has to learn a new partner from scratch, that puts you put on the same playing field. As for more life experience in dealing with people, relating together best ways and not making the common mistakes, that is something you learn over time. You can read basic psychology, info on different personality types and sun signs, etc and know how each person is going to be different and have different needs and preferances.
If you truly did mean the age difference, the only thing that can change is how you think about it since ther'es no way to make him younger or you older with the wave of a wand. There is no other way to 'solve your issue' but find a way that your mind can deal with it or break up.

Usually when a gal loves a guy, she is going to want to hold hands, put and arm around him, cuddle close on the sofa, lay her head on his shoulder, idly stroke his hair, maybe hair on the chest. These are ways you can show how you feel about the guy. A real gentleman is going to wait for you to make the first move when you are ready. If you are not going to feel ready to try out the more serious parts of a relationship for a couple of years yet, it all depends on the guy if he is willing to wait or not. If you are not ready, don't force yourself to do something that does not feel right for you at this point in time. Just don't. Its a chance he has to take when dating someone younger who may not have life experience yet or not feel ready to explore the romantic part of a relationship. He may want to wait or not and if not, it shouldn't be to try to force you to change your mind.
When you meet the right guy, you will want to kiss him and show affection to him. No matter how handsome, if there isn't a strong enough chemistry and for me, other than things and beliefs in common, it also has part to due with having a match or close match in pheromones.
Finally some reality on couples. WHen two meet, sometimes both feel a strong instant attraction and love for the other. Sometimes only one person feels it and the other isn't attracted that way at all, just friends, not romantic. This happens more often than you would think. The highest amount of guys you might like are not all going to feel exactly the same. A caution here though, many men may not feel that connection on the personality level and only be attracted sexually. That is not enough for women in a relationship but it seems to be for many men. Males are able to separate lust from love and so they can often be drawn to a female but not for love. At his age, a guy is more likely to be choosing to remain a bachelor and date forever but not settle down, or he is ready and beginning to search for his future wife and mother of his children. That sounds like a lot more than you are ready for right now and if thats where he's at, you will have a hard time being able to relax with him and let the relationship flow at its own pace and one you're comfortable with. He may feel he's running out of time to start a family if indeed thats where hes at, I don't know. And knowing that all could make you too nervous to be yourself, almost feeling smothered by just knowing what his ultimate goal is. If he's the playing around type and not serious to commit to you in any way, then you need to deicde whether you want to enter into something with him just for the experience. It is through experience of many dating relationships that you will discover what things you like and don't like about a guy and you'll want to refer to a list like that at the time you feel ready for a serious relationship like a long term one if not marriage.

If he is making romantic overtures and you are not ready, not even to kiss, you'd have to say something. Just giggling and dodging him could be mistaken for being playful and acting hard to get instead of not feeling ready yet. If you have not been in a serious relationship yet, tell him, share what ever it is you find too hard to get around yet. Let him hear that you realize he's older and likely has more dating and relationship knowledge than you. You are just starting out and there fore want to go slowly at a rate that you are comfortable with and it could be a few years before you are ready to get into a serious relationship are far as sharing of love, beings romantic and sexual. Either he understands and is willing to still stay, or he moves on and problem solved in another fashion.

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So im going to be 19 soon and everytime i go out with my friends my parents get so angry. They say "how come whenever your friends ask you to go out you always go cant you say no?" even though my parents would make me cancel on them all the time but the one time i do go they get mad. Then when i do go out, none of my friends have a curfew they just go home when they feel its late which is around 2am, but for me when the clock reaches 11pm my parents start calling me like crazy to come home then when its midnight they get mad till i get home. My one friend said anytime you hangout with maise (my name) her parents call her constantly which is true. What kind i do to get my parents to loosen up? Im an 18 year old female, when i go out i make sure im not alone cause i know the dangers but anyways i know i probably wont be able to do anything till i move out but any tips?

You stated " my parents would make me cancel on them all the time" My intention is not to poke fun at you but you need to realize how it sounds...it does sound like you are going along with what they say or do. It's not as if they stuck the phone in your hand, held a knife or gun up to you and told you to call and cancel or they'd hurt you or kill you. Exactly what threat are they using that is making you crumble and do as they wish rather than stand up for yourself. No one can 'make' another person do something unless they forcefully take away all your abiiltys to speak for yourself and walk away and ignore them. THis would mean, if some stranger grabbed you, gagged you, tied you up and drugged you to make you do their will, thats about the only way your right to have control over your own life is taken away and I highly doubt your parents do that. Anyone who would treat anoother human that way, tied up and drugged to do their bidding is committing a punishable crime, it is abusive behaviour. If by chance they are laying hands on you, threatening beating or whatever else, then if you've been hit, you call the police to report them...yes, i said call the police on your parents. You would if anyone else did. Just because they are parents they are not exempt from getting punished for that. I'm a parent. I may not always like the choices of my adult daughters, but If I have advice and ask if I may share it and they have said no sometimes, then I don't. I allow them to make their own choices and I do not threaten them or hit them.

Since you are still living at home, I am guessing the parents are having a hard time with the fact that you are now an adult. There has been no change for them since you turned 18. You still live with them and sometimes that is what lulls parents minds into feeling like nothing has changed, like you are still a minor, needing their parenting. YOu'll still need your parents from time to time but it should be you going to them, using them as a sounding board, asking for advice but ultimately, what you choose to do is still your choice. So all you can do is sit the parents down and have a calm talk with them and let them know they will always be your parents and that you'll always love them but that you need to be able to have control over your own life. You can tell them that you have been easy on them and allowed them to force their wishes on you, (no one has control over you unless you give it to them) but you realize now that doing so has not helped them to make the transition of being parents of a minor child to parents of an adult child. You realize that there may be times they see something and worry. Let them know if they wish to give you some advice, all they have to do is ask you if it is okay. Then if you say yes, they may share, and if you say no, they can not argue or fight you on this. One thing that must stop is their telling you what to do and ordering you around and calling to check on you.
Hopefully your parents will get the picture and back off. But if they do not, your only options are to put up with it until you can find another living situation. If they say that as long as you live there, you must obey them in everything...they have it wrong. Yes, its their house and they can choose to not let you bring boyfriends home, not allow music played loudly after a certain time, but setting curfews is not okay. They can only make house rules the you, or any person they invite into the house must follow, like some who have the rule that you take your shoes off at the entry to help keep carpets cleaner. These should not be rules they make that apply to only you. Thats how you can determine if its a fair house rule or not.

If you have a job or classes and they are worried you may be too tired for that but you still want to go out, theres nothing they can do and stand by and watch you learn the hard way. I hope too that by sharing my advice that there may be people who don;t have to learn the hard way but by listening to advice, make a better decision and avoid the mistakes others have made. However some of the best lessons in life are those we learn by first making the mistake and learning to avoid a repeat.

If you want to go out even 7 days a week with different friends, I see no reason you can not do that. What does it hurt? I know many young adults are very social, its different than HS when we begin to make our own circle of friends, not just from school anymore but work or whom we meet through friends or any activities or clubs we're part of. I remember being the same, even once I got my license. So don't feel guilty over what you want to do. In time things will change, you'll change, you'll redefine your schedule according to what's more important to you to get accomplished. Right now, iarets enjoying being sccial. As long as you find you are still able to take care of other responsibilities, thats fine. Lets say since you live at home you still have house chores you are expected to do. Thats reasonable and if seeing your friends has repeatedly resulted in you not being able to do or not wanting to, then your parents have a reason to be upset, if you live at home, follow the rules. As soon as you can bring in an income and be able to partially support yourself, it might be a good idea to find two more girls who also want to get out of the parents house and room together, that way rent is shared and a bit more affordable. If your phone is on their plan, You might want to get your own and being responsible for your own payments. At the very least, you can warm them not to call unless its an emergency like one of them are in the hospital, otherwise you will block them. Or if they still give you trouble, then get your own cell and don't give them the number until you can see over time that they have changed their ways.
No matter how unfair or twisted they may be in how they treat you, keep in mind that deep down, the emotion causing them to do this is love, love for you. Its just that they're not doing it correctly. If things heat up and get worse than ever, you can always suggest that as a family they and you go for counseling to learn how to respect each other , they as parents and you as an adult child. I can guarantee that a counselor will set them straight pretty quick for what they are doing unless you are doing something you haven't shared here that is actually provoking them. Best of luck dear.

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17/f
So recently me and this guy started Vibing and he really likes me and i feel like I'm starting to like him and he knows how I feel. The problem is I'm scared to get in a relationship because I'm not exactly a affectionate person and I don't like spending too much time with people. When it comes to friends and family I'm fine with hugging and stuff but I'm just not affectionate with guys.i only had my first kiss last year and that was with this guy's best friend who I had a really big crush on. And I haven't kissed anyone since. I don't know how I'm suppose to be in a relationship if I'm not affectionate and don't wanna spend every weekend with the guy and he is affectionate and does want to?
And another thing:
Now that I'm vibing with a guy I know it's all my mom and sister will talk to me about because they want me to be on a relationship but I don't wanna just talk about that and if I say that then I'm "being rude". I also don't want him to come to every family BBQ every weekend and they will expect me to invite him because my sisters boyfriend always comes but I like spending the time with my family just relaxing and I don't wanna have to have a boy with me. Please help I don't know how to deal with this. I'm not gonna rush into a relationship if I'm not sure but I'm seeing where it goes.

Looks like your entire problem is your family, not the fact you don't feel affection toward guys. At your age, I did not have any guy I felt affection for either. I saw some traits I admired in people, guys too, but it didn't go beyond that. It is perfectly normal. All my daughters went thru HS without BF's. They didn't start dating until they were out of HS a year or two, when THEY felt ready.

It's your life, not your sisters or Moms to live through vicariously (meaning in a way where they experience in their imagination that which they see you experience through what ever happens in your life) If your Mom is married still, she should focus on her husband and get enjoyment and excitement in her life that way or if single, tell her to try dating and experience relationship stuff on her own, not thru watching you cus you aint ready. For sister and her bf who comes over all the time, tell her to focus on her bf and the excitement of that relationship rather than try to experience more through seeing you with a BF. Remind her its your life to live as you see fit. It most certainly is not rude for you to choose not to do as they say. Nor is it disobediant. When one is ready to date and whom one chooses to date is NOT EVER the choice of your family or friends or anyone else on the planet, but you. Instead of you being out of line, they are the ones out of line because they are being nosy, pushy, gossipy,making assumptions, putting pressure on you, etc etc.
I feel bad for you but somehow you will need to make yourself heard and in as nice a way as possible, tell them and who ever else, to back off.
I am suspecting that Mom and sis are not entirely happy with their own lives down at a subconsicous level. You'd never get them to consciously admit that. But a relationship takes effort and time put into it. So if both have only time to pressure you to date and want details, and proof, then they are not emotionally there for their partners. Just because sis has a bf who comes over all the time doesnt' mean its a good relationship. It may be so-so. She feels she is normal because she's under the assumption or control of Mom to have a BF and so she is wanting to meet status quo, or be just like what she assumes everyone else does...like trying to keep up with the Joneses. Doing that only makes a person lose track of whats important when they are doing what they do only to impress others, impress Mom but neither are the most perfect for each other. I am betting if there was no food offered, that her bf wouldn't be wanting to come over as often. Young men have bottomless stomachs and can eat lots so the appeal of free food on a regular basis may be as strong or stronger than the appeal of seeing your sister. I don't care how cute or happy a couple may look together in public. What counts is how she's treated by the bf when no one else is looking or witness to it.
You also are normal to not feel affectionate toward guys. Guys at your age feel much more strongly the desires for sex rather than a desire for love. Just having a guy inside you does not mean you both feel affectionate towards each other or feel love. Males are able to separate Love from lust in their minds. Not saying all guys your age are like that but the greater majority are. If you don't feel ready to jump ahead to kissing, cuddling, fondling, affection, or feelings of horniness and having sex, cus at some point, (even just a plain old bf) it will naturally end at sex, then don't go down that path til you are ready. If you decide you are not ready until you are closer to 30, thats fine too. You won't be the only one who chooses that path. But I can tell you that when you do find a man who is truly in love with you and though he is willing to say so, he proves it to you by how he treats you and what he does for you, then the feelings of admiration and attraction will fall away to being affectionate and falling in love. Even if you still feel somethings wrong with you that you don't feel more, I was like that too, more in control and logical and actually kind of more like a guy in how I think and emotions. I don't get all out emotional like a female very often. But yet I have an absolutely fabulous loving affectionate relationship with my 2nd husband. I married too young 1st time and chose a guy who really truly didn't love me but felt he needed to fit in, in the eyes of others and thought he'd look like he fit in better by having a wife and then eventually the 3 kids. At the very end, in counseling, when asked if he was ever in love with me, he said No. Shocking to finally hear him admit it but I knew by how he treated me. Don't feel forced to 'look' just like everyone else because if you were a fly on a wall, you'd see that a good chunk of those couples who seem to be in love and happy, really aren't and have troubles.

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Lets start off by saying I'm pretty sure I have Social Anxiety. It's not professionally diagnosed but I am 99.9% sure I have it. I can't talk to people, get really worked up in social situations, and have had minor panic attacks in the past. Tye reason that I haven't went to somebody for this is because my parents are anti-therapy. My mom only believes in therapy if you're addicted to drugs or suicidal, and my dad thinks therapy is a hoax. I'm 15 with no money so it's not like I can go see anyone. Back on subject, I have a lot of nervous tendacies that I think rooted from the Social Anxiety, such as me being too afraid to eat around my peers, biting my nails, and ripping my hair put when I'm nervous. I also chew on a lot of stuff when nervous. I have recently gone to my mother to seek guidance to my problems, and she said I just need to stop. The problem is, I can't just stop. The reason I brought up therapy earlier was because I thought maybe talking to so.eone professionally might help, but apparently a therapist is a waste of money and all I need to do is stop, and everything will be better! Why can't she understand stuff doesn't work that way!? My situation is getting worse and worse everyday and I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?

I had social anxiety as a child and teen but was never diagnosed by a doctor. Back in my time, it was just called shyness and like Adviceman said, my generation and parents were not big on running to doctors for every little thing. Home remedies and some basic common sense was applied and problem fixed in our minds. To a large part, I was the same with my own children, using only a naturopathic Dr. if immune system boosters did not help when they had a stubborn cold or ear infection. Most times, they recovered just fine. So I don't recall ever having to take them often at all. The worst case ever was a 4 yr old unable to tell me how she felt and it getting to high fever stage to take her to Dr who discovered a UTI/bladder infection quite bad.

I agree you do need to see a specialist. I had severe social anxiety but was cured by following a step by step program of things to do at a pace I was comfortable with, a list I got in answer to prayer to God. In recent years, wanting to have books to recommend to people like you writing in, I read one that had the exact same solutions to do as what I did when I was near graduation. It only took a month or two to be cured. I remember my last days of HS being so wonderful, able to strike up convo with other students I didn't know as well and wishing I'd known how easy I could be better.
I could give you that list, but the other things you mentioned have me suspecting it s not just a strict case of social anxiety but something more as I did none of those at all. It would take a specialist to help you. So if you have a church pastor, that's one more person you can ask for help. Some church's have professional councilling services if large enough. I used to go to one like that. You can't make your parents feel differently. SO it may take another adult talking to them to get them to take you for help, like a pastor, talking to school counselor who contacts them. But going to see your Dr. even under false pretences as adviceman spelled out, is actually a good thing if you fear bringing it up to your parents again and knowing it won't go anywhere. At least you could get in to see your Dr. and ask for the help you really need. If you run into any other adults who don't take things seriously, keep trying with new adults, perhaps a girlfriends mom you feel like part of their family. Confide in her and ask her to help you to get in to see a professional. I would think just seeing a school counselor would be enough to get you the help you need. But remember that school counselors see lots of teens with the common angst issues we all have, including myself at the age. And adults can tend to think its all blown out of proportion in your mind but feels that bad and so may not react favorably and just react more along the lines of your parents. However, he/she will know you are serious if you go in to see them several times a week with the same issue asking them to help and if they don't, ask to see the principal. Eventually you will get the help you need dear. Good luck.

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So since I've moved to the next state over for college my boyfriend has been having a temper problem. So he works and he goes to school. He works from 6-10pm sometimes getting off at midnight because of overtime. He has school during the day. On mondays he leaves school to go to work then goes back to school after his shift. But some days he doesnt have school and just has work. Everyday he started only texting me at midnight (and expected me to face time him) or right before he went to work when he knew he couldnt respond back. I decided to come to him and talk to him about how i felt. You know..communicate....like youre suppose to do in relationships. I told him that i felt like this wasnt a real relationship by only getting a text at midnight and that i talk to people here in my college more then i talk to him. He got pissed off at me and told me that i was bashing him and started being rude. I asked him how i was bashing him and he said that he didnt like what i said and it "didnt make him feel good", then he said he got mad because i sent him a "shrug emoji" when he sent me a "heart emoji" then he said that he got mad at an argument we had in the past. He kept changing his answer whenever i made him realize he was just being a jerk. So he told me that i "shouldve started the convo off differently" and that he didnt do anything wrong by blowing up at me. He then continued to shrug his shoulders all nonchalantly like he didnt care. I got mad and said i was done with him because this is the third time this has happened. He will just overeact and then blame it on me and not apologize. Im tired of it. He told me he sued to have a temper back in elementary but it was gone. He will not be sorry until i get fed up and thats when he wants to apologize, punch stuff,cry, yell at me, and then tell me i never loved him ad that im probably talking to someone else thats why i "want to leave him so badly." He told me that if i really loved him i would forgive him again and that "it wouldnt be so easy to leave him if i loved him." He is still putting the blame on me. I dont take being screamed at a "sorry" while he punches the steering wheel of his car. He just gets so angry and iv never seen this side of him before. He did the same thing when i went to a college party. Yes there were mostly guys there but i told him where i was. He was completely fine with it until he saw the guys on my snapchat dancing (NOT WITH ME). I got in at 1:00 am and told him i made it home safe. He got mad started dry texting me and just being really cold towards me. I kept asking him what was wrong and to just talk to me but he will just read my messages or reply with one word answers. It got to the point where i got mad and said that he didnt care about my feelings and he said "youre just saying that because i havent apologized this time" (when confronted about this later he says "oh well i never said i wasnt going to apologize" thats not what i meant." He always tries to change up what he "meant" when he got caught). So i said "fine you dont have to ever worry bout apologizing or talking to me again then" and he said "okay goodnight" so i got upset because he was just acting like he didnt care and i unadded him off social media. Thats when he messages me begging and saying sorry and that he never has gotten so mad in his life. Like he acts all nonchalant, that he doesnt care, and doesnt want to apologize until im just fed up with stuff. He just loses his temper and just blames me things as to why he treated me the way he did and that I shoudlnt have did something and it will literally be something small like an emoji. All he does is victim blame and when he cant think of something off the top of his head he will just read through our chat log to find something. He tells me that "im not letting him prove himself" when all he does is repeat the same thing over and over again after i give him a chance. Im not going to be someone's punching bag when they just lose it. How can i believe your sorry if you told me you wernt and 2 minutes later when i say im done thats when you want to apologize? He doesnt care when he has me but he cares when he doesnt. Currently we're on a break. He wanted us to take a "break" without me being considered "single" because he just wants me tied to him. All he cares about is someone else getting me and the fact that we're at 11 months now and that we're going to hit our 1 year soon. Getting told i never loved him and that i another boy im supposedly want to talk to or already talking to is making me want to leave him is just a huge slap to the face. Ive been so loyal to him since ive started college (about a month and a half ago). He says i want to break up after every argument its because im done dealing with the same shit. Hes repeated other stuff too. For a while i felt like he would never stand up for me when i was being bullied (before we graduated highschool). My ex-bestfriend tried to compete with me for his attention (which im not going to do if im dating you) and i told him hwo she was talking about me behind my back and that she had jealousy problems. She would even say little things to my face that was condescending. He continued to talk to her as if i never said anything and his excuse was that i "didnt want him to confront her". I didnt because i didnt want to cause drama i just told him to be mindful of what was going on. We got into a big fight of how he wasnt sticking up for me and he supposedly cut her off. Then i find out she would text him after we graduated and he would answer her. That turned into a fight because i felt like i was lied too and there was another instance he didnt stick up for me. So that made it the third time. Its just like im not going to keep on telling you to stick up for me or to not snap on me or to apologize or to not talk to me like im not your girlfriend. Its like im telling him to care. Yet he punches stuff, cries, begs for me back, and accuses me of never loving him and messing with someone else when i want to leave him? I dont understand.

People with normal minds are never going to understand when they are treated like you are by someone else. You said you don't understand. You are clearly confused as to why he would be acting as he does and treat you as he does.

I come from an almost 30 yr marriage (minus a few months) of a man who treated me like crap verbally.
I learned some things along the way and made the decision to leave him. It was that or die from the stress build up. To say your bf's behavior is stressful is an understatement. I know. Stress has to go somewhere, even if its all psychological stress. Stress needs an outlet. If you don't have a reprieve and are constantly getting a daily fill of stress from the same source, the stress builds up utnil it eventually goes into your body and manifests there are stress induced illnesses. Not saying its the only cause of some of these but for sure one. I had migraines, got stomach ulcers, itchy stress rashes all over my body. The only two I hadn't had yet were heart attack or cancer and both ran in my family. So when I heard from God I had to leave by choice or leave by death from one of the two in another handful of years, I left him. The kids except one were out of HS and on their own. I can't say that's what you have to do. But you do have to think about whats best for you long term. Maybe on a day to day basis or week by week, you feel you can put up with it. But when I asked myself if I could put up with exactly the same behavior from my guy for the next 10 years or till the day I die, I broke up crying as I realized that I couldn't. I had been playing a mental game of my own 'a coping mechanism' to believing all I had to do was tolerate just one more day, week month or year of it, without looking at the larger picture. I understand your bf is young, being college age, and that he has a lot of time to improve. That is not very likely to happen for a very long time if ever at all. What must be in place before he can improve is to admit he has many issues among which anger is only one. After admitting it, he needs to want to learn how to deal with it and get better with the help of a 'Professional', not your help or friends or just doing it on his own. It won't happen otherwise. SO if you aren't seeing these tendencies, he will not improve, and his verbal apologies and begging to get you back do not mean he's had a change of heart and wants to do better. NO he doesnt, at least not yet. And you have to decide how long you want to wait for he to be ready to see a professional.

It doesn't matter if he's anywhere from very immature, or uneducated and not knowing better, to having some distorted thinking, or social or mental disorders to downright serious mental illness or socio pathic tendencies, much of the same kinds of behaviors can be seen in any or all of those situations.

My ex's favorite thing was called Psychological projection,a psychological term when humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. In his case it was always the negative. An example, when asked why we wouldn't attend an event, something he hated, he told people that I was the one who hated or couldn't handle that thing and so we could not go.

There are many more tactics a un-normal, distorted thinker will use and use on a sub-conscious level, automatically, like an animals wild instinct for survival. He doesn't have to consciously decide to use any tactics to mess with another person, it just bubbles up and feels normal to him. And yet, looking back at the ex, I can see how if seemed he did have a sense that things were not normal with him and that he wanted whatever it was in his life that would make him appear more normal to others so they wouldn't look too close. for him, it was having a wife and kids, having a job and going to church. He was terrified of what being alone would make him look like. A counselor confirmed that for me after meeting him a few times, just from what he was able to gather initially on my ex.
So you may also be the bf's security blanket, why he breaks down in begs you to give him another chance, to come back, because it somehow makes him feel more normal? I could be very wrong but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you realize he is not asking you back because he is repentant and truly horrified at how he treated you and does make a change and does better in the future. I am remarried to a wonderful man. I finally now know true love. Love isn't will to manipulate, confuse on purpose, taunt, yell at, verbally abuse the one you love. If there is ANY minor action of my current husband that I truly did not like and I tell him so, sometimes in tears, he falls apart just knowing that something he said or did in innocense actually bothered me. He doesn't just apologize but he makes sure to Never repeat the behavior. In 8 yrs with him, he has never repeated something I talked to him about that I did not like. That's what love is hon. What this guy is doing, he may think is love but no, that is not how one treats a person they love. In this world, unfortunately there are people whose minds are so dysfunctional for whatever reason, most often some mental illness not improved much by medicine that they are always going to be incapable of being a good partner to someone. I've read of many women who are no longer married to their husband because he was Narcissistic. You can't help him improve. It has to come from within himself to want to get better. by the way, if what you said to him was exactly as you wrote, stating how you feel, not using 'you make me feel' statements, then you said nothing wrong, it doesn't directly accuse him but lets him know how his schedule is affecting you. He could have responded differently, calmly and telling you that he regrets how its unfolding but that he feels his schedule is important and he can understand if you want to pull away because you have little contact with him. As much as it may hurt him, a normal thinking person could have answered something like that. He chose to not respond but react (a gut reaction) in defense and anger. If you feel you need to chat more in private with me, just write to me from my column, otherwise, I think you know what to do, as much as it may disturb you or make you feel guilty, he is too twisted currently to be able to be good boyfriend or potential future husband material. Its not you, its all on him.

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I used to love going to school and taking classes, but this semester I've come to resent it. I hate that I have to take four classes it just feels like so much work especially when I also work a part time job.

I used to care so much about getting all A's, but lately it seems like my professors intentionally try to trip their students up.

For example just last week I had a 100 A in one of my classes after doing around 10 assignments. Then we took an exam that was extremely difficult and the class average was a C. Well I got a 71 and it brought my grade all the way down to an 80 in the class. I was furious.

Fast forward to today in a different class. I had a 94 A and then I got an essay back I wrote last week and I got a D on it which brought my grade down to an 84. Again, I got upset. I felt like I put forth a lot of effort into it and that all the things my professor took points off for were ridiculous things only a doctorate holder like himself would think of. He said I can resubmit it, but I feel like I don't know how I could do any better on it. I also don't understand because he said all of my other writing assignments were great. So why all the sudden was he so hypercritical on this one?

In another one of my classes I constantly straddle the line between an A and a B. When points are taken off of my assignments it always seems to be over little nitpicky things. The assignments always annoy me because they're always on juvenile level topics like watching a kid's movie and analyzing it...for a psychology class.

Then my last class I completely hate. It's an extremely difficult literature class on stories that are very hard to interpret. I usually get A's on my work, but she assigns so much work that I've already missed three assignments because I just didn't have time to get them all done with 3 other classes and a job. So I have a C in that class.

I'm just so completely exasperated I want to take a semester off. I feel like the professors grade unfairly. I shouldn't get all A's on 10+ assignments then get one bad grade and it takes that high A down to a low B. It seems unjust. I'm so tired of doing busywork busywork busywork and taking classes that never have anything to do with my major. I'm on my fifth literature class and still have to take one more and I'm a science major. I know they want us to be well-rounded but all these random classes seem like overkill. 20 or so of my classes so far have just been these weird random courses that have nothing to do with my major, but are still required.

If its the subject matter, the degree you're going after that you have decided you don't like, then why not change? I know someone who it took 4 times before they decided after changing what they studied for before they were happy and felt they'd found their nicke. If you like the subjects but its just the teachers at that school, then you might have to look at changing to a new school to continue your stidues, like next semester or fall if you can switch for the next year. It may be hard to switch now since you're into this school year already.
I do know its hard to work and do school. You may have to go to school longer to finish and just take less classes to alleviate the stress. Thats all i can think of hon. Wish you the best in the future

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hi :) thank you for answer :)
its true, i still have some feelings for him, but i kinda got over him (i know it doesnt sound like it , but i did)...i jusu asked the question bc i got sad bc its our last year in high school and i would like to spend more time with him as FRIEND...but as i said, im invisible to him , mostly im so angry with him bc he just passes by me , looks at me and nothing ...im so angry with him bc he is always near the girl classmate he like , and im angry bc he probably doesnt care that it may be hurting me , nothing...im.so jealous that he is giving all the attention to all girls in my class, like i meant nothing to him

Sorry I didn't understand you correctly. It's no fun though feeling angry when things don't go the way you wish. I remember feeling that way myself many times. However I did learn to 'own' my feelings.
What that means to me is that any feelings I have, are strictly generated by me, not given to me by someone else, meaning no one can cause me to feel a certain way unless I choose to be happy, upset, bewildered, etc by something anyone else does. It's a basic principle of psychology. You can do the research and search for articles on "Own your own feelings' and here's one such article that came up if interested.
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/30/we-are-responsible-for-our-own-feelings/

I know this won't make the situation change for you. Guys need time to mature and stop being so shallow and fickle when it comes to finding a female they want to be with. Even then, once matured, it still comes down to a persons personal taste in character, etc. of a person for a friend or more. If you weren't picky about who is your friend, and others weren't either, then you could be best friends with every single person in your school. Thats not how life works. Don't worry, I don't think anything bad of you. I was like this too. It's a tough part of growing up and learning some of lifes basics.

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I'm MAJORLY clinically depressed. I'm very mentally disabled. I literally can't work or drive, because it gives me too much anxiety and stress, like if you could be in my mind for one second, you'd literally want to kill yourself. I can't even explain how horrible my anxiety and depression is every second of everyday. I've literally spent years trying to cure it, but it just all seems to get worse every single day.

I'm not trying to make it permanent in my mind that that's how I'll always be. I'm not sure, it's just how I feel because it's so bad.

I love to walk though. So I can walk a little ways to help people, but not much. I love the elderly with all my heart. I love animals and babies with all my heart as well. Basically, I love every living thing with all my heart. And all I've ever wanted to do was help people and make people as happy as I possibly can.

But I just don't know what to do. I feel this is my purpose in life. I feel that's why God made me, but I just don't know how to help anyone.

May anyone give me a list of examples to help people, please? (I live in a small town, btw.)

YOur wanting to help people is a way of trying to have some purpose, some plan and direction in life. However your disabilities prevent you from being able to do all that most people can in an average day.
You wrote that you spent years trying to cure it. That means you, not a professional. I do not know if you've seen any professionals and tried medications. Usually when someone is so crippled by depression and stress and anxiety as you are, it means that you can not be helped by anything other than medication. However, I do know that many psychologists are not highly trained in non medicinal ways to treat what you have and just give meds. There are only a small percent of people for whom meds are needed for depression. Depression occurs when your body is unable to produce important neuro transmitters on its own and so an imitation of the real thing is given to people to do the work of those 'feel good hormones'. Anxiety is something i used to have, and prayed to God and what he told me to do was exactly the same as what I read in a book recently. NOt reading for myself but to know of things I can recommend to others. I am cured. I discovered that distorted thinking causes anxieties and it takes a specially trained doctor in CBT cognitive behavioral therapy to actually help a person get past any of their excuses, dwelling on wrong things, etc. and find relief. I know how crippling my anxiety alone was for me. I get stress too even tho I am mentally healthy now. But stress can happen to anyone. Stress untreated by simple home remedy type of tricks you can easily do every day will keep it at bay. If you'd like to hear more, let me know. Otherwise, there isn't much you can do but walk to a neighbors to help them garden or walk someones dog.

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So there's this really cute guy in my program and he was in 3 of my classes last year and from observing him in lecture he was always alone and very quiet. From time to time I caught him glancing at me and my friends (I feel like it's cause of my friend). He was also in one of my tutorial classes (the classes are up to 15 people) and whenever the teacher would ask him a question he would answer, it would be a very smart answer. So now I know he's quiet and smart. I want to get to know him but I'm scared to go up to him, he's caught my friend talking about him a few times but he doesn't say anything. I don't really know what to say to him cause I'm awkward and if you've seen my previous posts you'd know I lack a lot of confidence. Before I thought last school year he would glance at me because he thought I was cute but now I think he's been looking at my friend the whole time. Here's the reason, one time before lecture I was telling my friends a story about high school, I think I was pretty loud because he turned around and started smiling at me and then my friend was like "that guy just looked at you" I guess she put the idea in my head and I think he heard her say that too because after that he would look back sometimes but rarely. Then one day in the library we were handing something in, I was with two of my friends, so one of my friends walked by him first, he didn't do anything then my second friend (the one I'm always with let's call her Alex) walked by him second and his head turned following her, and I don't know if he watched me but I doubt it, ever since then I've been starting to think he's been looking at her. Now this school year he's in 2 of my classes, a random dude came up to him about the homework now they've been inseparable ever since (now it's gonna be harder to talk to him). Looking back maybe if I asked him about the homework we would've been friends. But anyways Alex doesn't know how to lower her voice every time he walks by /sits by us she always has to talk about him. "Hey look that's our best friend" or "he remind me of..." So I know he knows we talk about him, but anyways how should I approach him? Do you think he thinks Alex is cute or is this all in my head or is it because she talks about him that he looks at her?

If he's turned his head to look in the direction of you and your group of gal friends, then he is interested in one or more of you. A guy can see a trait he likes in girl A, so he starts watching to see what else he might be able to observe that he likes. However, there may be another trait he like not visible in girl A but girl B. Right now, its just basic interest as far as having his attention but guys are known to have a problem with approaching a girl if she is always with her buddies. As you stated, it will be harder to get him alone too now that he has a friend. I used to be extremely introvert, shy and socially anxious. Didn't outgrow it til after HS. You may be HS or college. Either way, there is nothing much I can suggest that you will find the courage to just talk to him for a start. If you can't get the guts to do such a thing, all you can do is continue to wonder all your life if something would have clicked and you could have been a couple. Looking into the future and seeing yourself with no one because you are too shy is about the only thing that will help some people find enough guts to do something. YOu really can't know for sure at this stage if he is more into ALex or you. The next step is yours. I can't make you brave enough to talk to him. IF however you are determined to talk to him and know you WILL do it because not knowing is eating you up inside, then all you need to know is how to or what to say. You can even plan a simple act of pretense to have an excuse to be near enough to say something. If this interests you, I will try to give you some ideas. Either way, it's in your hands.

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So I got engaged yesterday. It was super sweet. He asked me in front of everyone. But honestly I felt obligated to say yes. I am scared. I love him so much but I have been married and divorced and I couldn't imagine going through it again. I am terrified. I am having doubts but I don't want to break his heart.... or my own. I know if I lost him I would be devastated but I know how bad marriage can be. What do I do? Should I see a therapist? I feel so confused and lost right now. On top of that my dad died I cant imagine him not being there. gosh Life is hard. Help please

Its not the institution of marriage that is bad, it is only the people in it that can be bad to/for each other. I too was married and divorced. The ex was verbally abusive my whole marriage. It only took about a year of being away from him to learn to undo coping mechanisms I was using. I chose to learn from my mistake of marrying him, I was 20 and didn't know enough to truly see the warning signs. With what I have learned as I grew older, looking back, I now can see there were plenty warning signs that neither my parents nor I noticed.

I was not scared to be married again, especially if I found a guy who was truly good for me and me for him. If you know you would feel devastated just imagining yourself without him, then he must be the right one. So all that is needed is getting past your bad experiences from before and that is not easy. YOu also have a loss through death and thats a lot for a person to handle. I side with Adviceman, it would be best to see a counselor.

I wish you a happy life with your new guy. It can be so wonderful. I am happy I went looking a 2nd time. But then I also had a list of what I was looking for and what i did not want in a guy. I had criteria a guy had to pass (not that he just said he was such and such but proven thru his actions). That helped me alot. I still advocate for you getting counseling but if you like, can send you the document I have saved on how to find Mr. Right. I have a feeling it will help you to know you are making the right choice. But I've been through a divorce and truly believe you will need to see a counselor. I did, although mine was a friend who did that for a living and did as a favor to me.

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I think they're no different than a necklace. You can see them being sold at places like forever 21, where teens shop. My cousin wanted one, but her parent said it's too adult. Even comparing it to being a slave or calling a dog collar.

Why do they have such bad rep?

Beats me, have no idea. When I was a teen and in my twenties, I wore chokers all the time, even to church. It was considered a regular piece of jewelry with no strange connotation attached to it.

All I know is that fashion trend change with the decades, and it takes a strong person to stay with the fashion they like to wear, even if its not popular or has an alternate bad reputation now. I've noticed that chokers are hard to find now.

I know friend or a friend who asked me since I am a crafty person if she could get some ideas how to make her own. She happens to be baby girl to a 'daddy' figure and wanted to wear them to signify she was his.

If you choose to wear one, you may have to field questions of whether you are a sub in a sub and dom relationship, or if you are just trying to look trashy or slutty. And if you like them enough to wear, then you'd have to let comments not affect you like water rolling off a ducks back.

There really is no logical reason hon. Once upon a time, the thin anorexic looking fashion model look was IN, if you can believe that. Her name was Twiggy because of how she looked. Now a days, if you look that thin, someone will rush you to a doctor to get psychological counseling. Trends just change for no real logical reasons

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Hi :)im a girl ,18,
I told my classmate(boy) i like him 1 and hald year ago....he rejected me ...and now im in my last year of high school , i kinda got over him, but i still feel something to him. Even after all this i still want to be friend with him . I learned that he like another of my girl classmate , but she rejected him. But even after she rejected him, he still talks to her, he is always laughing with her, teasing her, always near her. But it hurts seeing him do that, even after kind of getting over him. Like he doesnt care if it hurts me, ot doesnt know it. But what hurts me even more is that he doesnt talk to me at all, to him im invisible. He talks to every girl in my class but me. He comes to them and hugs them and asks them how are they. And im invisible to him, he just looks at me and then go his way.
The question is: why is he acting to like that, like im invisible. And doesnt he know that he hurts me when he is always talking to a girl that he likes, or is he just so careless about what is it doing to me . Why does he keep hurting me and doesnt care about me at all ?

Hi there.

Remember an earlier question of yours: Question Posted Friday February 24 2017, 5:11 pm

Hi :) , i gave him a "valentine message" telling him that i never should've told him about my feelings for him , and asking him why he doesn't.talk to me...he then spoke to me and told me that its good that i told him about my feelings and he also told me that the reason he doesnt speak to so much than to other girls is that that he know other girls better than me and that he has more lessons with them than with me...also yesterday at school , i met him at the lockers before the school started and it was less awkward...but even after we talked it still hurts me so much., i want to get over him.so badly but i cant, not only he's good-looking, but i cant be mad at him bc he's so good as a person, i never wanted to fall in love with him,i dont want to have feelings for him, i just want to be friend with him . . .

I know theres more to that question plus many more that all point to not feeling accepted and loved by family, (your twin) and friends. I also know that in our teen years, all teens are more concerned or worried about being accepted, liked, wanted, valued and their angst causes them to crawl into a hole with their negative thoughts and feelings where it will only stew and not go away or get better. Considering this was written February and it is now 1 ½ years later that your friendship, like/ love was not returned, it tells me that what you have been doing or not doing it not helping you. Some of it is simply just growing older and getting a different perspective, becoming more self confident and losing the feeling of constantly having to measure up to be liked.
So I see your issues as more than just this guy you can't get over but not feeling accepted and liked/loved by others as well. In your recent question you don't mention what he said to you when you asked why he doesnt talk to you. I do not believe he felt free to share the truth and gave you what would seem like a reasonable logical answer, an answer that I believe gave you false hope that he might be interested in you as a friend or more.

While I will agree it wasn't the best action to take, even I in HS didn't have much of a clue to seeing beyond the obvious, or understanding some basic human psychology. He doesn't know you as well as them? Haha. All he had to do to know you as well as he knew them was to spend more time with you IF, (and the word if , is important) he was interested and attracted to you as a friend, to your personality, etc. So having classes in common is also no valid excuse. I had friends that I used to have in classes but no longer had by last year in HS, and that didn't p revent us from sitting together at lunch every day or spending time together away from school since we were close friends. I was shy, introverted and had social anxiety during my childhood and HS years. That will affect how others see a person. It did to me. I can't blame them. The reason I found people just like myself to feel invisible to me is that there was nothing that stood out about them, I found people who were too quiet or too anxious, uninteresting and unappealing for me to approach. I wanted to be a friend, not a teenagers shrink. That was me. That may not be you but I'm betting there is something that other teens do not know how to handle or what things are most important to value. We are still learning this at that age. In the process of learning and sometimes not doing something the best way possible, we can unintentionally hurt others.
I just attended my 40th HS reunion this summer. I was surprised that so many people there were more reserved when I 've done a complete flip and ended up being one of the most outgoing self confident people there. I was also surprised to have a gal apologize to me. I had no idea what for and asked. She said she was socially anxious when in HS and felt bad she hadn't reached out to befriend me. I don't think she could have back then, I suffered from the same and know how hard it was. I understand you do reach out but others don't obvious respond excitedly or at all. Still, they have their own teenage angst and things they suffer from. Even those I felt were the most popular and together people in HS and wished I was like them, well no longer. I have surpassed so many of them and what I thought was self confidence and popularity in them then, was not what I thought it was. I saw people hanging out only with those they recognized or knew well or had kept in touch with. Of course I looked for those I knew too. But not all looked like they did in HS so I had no idea who they were. Many were standing around talking to no one and I was the social butterfly, going up and talking to every single person there, acknowledging, finding those I clicked with well, but not ignoring others. I came away from a reunion of only 80 to 100 people out of a large class, having 15 new facebook contacts and some of those came a week or so after the reunion. You can not base your self worth on what others think of you during childhood or even HS. We all have lots of maturing to do yet.

Now as to this guy you still like. The feelings you find are still there and won't go away, well they wont go if you keep thinking of him and focusing on him. Our minds can be our worst enemy sometimes and it would seem that is happening here. Thoughts of him creep up constantly and as they do, you dwell on them and rue the fact he is not acting interested. Then the emotions get hooked in, just like they do when you are focused on a movie and getting angry or crying at the sad parts. Each time he comes to mind, tell yourself to stop thinking about him, that he is not interested in you. You will have to retrain your mind to stop thinking of him and daydreaming of a friendship that most likely never will be. Look at yourself for example, you are not physically attracted or interested in every guy in HS. Im betting there's reasons for that. No matter how old you get, there will always be people you feel you don't click with and the same goes vice versa.
You yourself said how wonderful a guy he is. You recognized qualities in him that drew your attention. Actually you are doing something right here. Starting with the days we enter puberty, females begin to notice certain things about a guy, not just looks but how he treats females and others, how kind and nice they are, etc. We dream of being in a wonderful relationship with a guy who loves us as deeply as we love him and being mindful of, recognizing the qualities that resonate with yourself is something we need to do along the way so we won't waste our time on guys who are not good candidates for a bf or more. Keep updating and refining this list, an actual list and use it to compare every guy you ever meet or find physically attractive. I found plenty who were attractive to me and me to them but beyond that, there were things I didn't like of their personality or major character flaws that came to light and I realized the guy was wrong and stopped seeing him or trying to even be friends. Keep a real list on your phone or computer and update it with new things you discover you want in a guy and keep true to yourself and what you know is best for you.
It takes guys lots longer to realize what makes a female special. When younger, males tend to only look at the outside, how a female looks but not at who she is on the inside. Males tend to wake up to this fact and look at the whole female. We all, males and females alike, have been brainwashed to believe a certain type of person is more desireable. That is what Dustin Hoffman -actor- explains in an interview regarding a role in which he played a woman in the movie 'Tootsie'. He is so emotionally touched by what he shares that he struggles with crying. Its only a couple minutes but so revealing:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPAat-T1uhE

I hope you understand that you are starting to see qualities in a guy that you like, not because he is interested in you as well or should be, but because you need to collect from all your experiences of people you meet, those strangers you see from a distance and admire a quality you see or those who are friends or bf's. Make your mental note as I did.

Here's my example. I was married and knowing the marriage wasn't going to get better. I married too young and didn't know any better, but thats okay, I began to learn from my not knowing better. Eventually I divorced but while still married, I remember one man I saw a quality in that I tucked away in my notes to look for if I got a second chance at love. I was standing outside an Ivars seafood bar, no seating inside, this was for people to pick up and take home or eat at the nearby beach. No one was standing in lines, just a crowd so when a cashier yells out, who's next? depending on those standing there before you walked up, most of us had a general idea who was next. A man with his arm around his wife speaks up loudly and gestures to the old lady standing next to them, i was behind them, and says, I believe this young lady here is next. The woman just began to glow and smiled and said thank you and went up to the counter next. For one thing, she wasn't young, but he choose to go beyond just saying, you go ahead or 'its this person here'. Even though he was with his wife, he was still cognicent of other females and their need to be complimented as a person, not because he was interested in them. Perhaps he really did get there before her but was trying to be a gentleman or simply a nice person to someone else, in no personal hurry, though he was obviously there for the same reason as others, we were all hungry. In that moment, I knew I wanted to find a man like that someday....and I did after I divorced. I recognized the right qualities in him when I first even read his response to me in an on line dating site. We met in person a week later and what I picked up on in his writing was also present in his behavior. We both fell in love with each other right away. Is he anything like that guy at Ivars? Oh heck yes! And its so wonderful to be married to a man who treats all women with respect, as equals but is always willing to help or be a gentleman when the need arises. He compliments women on their necklace, or something to brighten up their day and in 8 years with him, only once did I see a woman respond with confusion, knowing I was with him and wondering how I could tolerate my husband complimenting her. She looked so nervous and confused I had to bite my cheeks on the inside to keep from laughing aloud. This is but one example of how important such a list is, at any age. I refined mine many times when there was something I thought I would tolerate but once experiencing it, realized I could not handle that in a mate. Be patient hon, it gets better. I don't believe he is purposely trying to hurt you, he simply is not interested at all, even as a classmate or friend and at his age, he hasn't learned yet what my husband and Dustin Hoffman know. Do watch that video. Even my husband was blown away when coming across this video, maybe because he also knows that lots of men never get it. But a lot do eventually get it, just not in their teens or twenties. It seems men start to appreciate character of a woman equally with their attraction to her looks not until in their 30s if they are ever going to at all. I've watched videos in the past of a team of guys who did youtube videos for women on tips on realationships, explaining dating and other things regarding men. I remember one saying in looking back to his college days of how he missed the best opportunity to be with a woman perfect for him but did not care about that stuff yet and knows he hurt her badly in a breakup and wishes to this day it had never happened like that but relationship wisdom is not often something young people have much of if any at all.

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So recently I have started to feel rather ungrateful toward my parents and I'm feeling a bit guilty about that.

I really love my parents, I do. They've done a great job raising me and are quite supportive. They want the best for me, and I know they love me a lot.

But recently I keep thinking about things they've done wrong. Rules from my childhood that may have been detrimental to my development. Things they have said and done recently that are harmful to my mental health. I keep thinking that they have hurt me, they have left permanent scars on me.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way, and I don't like it, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head. They are in no way abusive, I have no reason to be feeling resentful or ungrateful. Literally as I am writing this, my mom is texting me to help me destress about this school thing that had me really anxious. She cares, yet I can't stop thinking badly about her and my dad. What's wrong with me?

You may be an adult, but you're a young one, a female who has not had children yet. You will understand better what they've done for you once you are a parent. Then you will understand that even though a parent loves their child, some times the ways they go about showing it and raising a child just don't seem the very best they could have done.
Have I ever questioned things my parents did? Sure I have, non abuse stuff like one example of the parents seeing me having an interest in gardening, trimming the hedges, digging up dandelions, planting new flowers and snipping dead flower heads, etc. and not suggesting or encouraging me to study botany in college and get a degree in horticulture or become a Master gardener. They also witnessed how I was drawn to anything artistic, painting, writing, other art projects and did not encourage me to go for an art degree.

I did not know at 17, 18 what I wanted to study and as a result, have no degrees as I married at 20, money was tight and I worked full time while hubby finished schooling and then I was full time mom while working the rest of my life. Yes, I know there are people at close to retirement age and older who do go back to college. It is something I do not wish to do now and get tied down by a job.
But I always wonder if things would have turned out different.
I wonder if somehow they did see some questionable behavior in the guy I was engaged to and said nothing or if in truth they were also totally fooled by him. because a few months after I got married to him, his verbally abusive behavior came out and was still there when I finally left him after raising the kids.

So, I can't say why you feel this way other than not seeing them from the perspective of being a parent yourself. Have I said or done things I wished I'd never done with my kids? Oh hell yes!!
It wasn't abuse, but what I believed at the time to be the most important and best ways to raise my children. For one, I was way too rigid in my church beliefs when they were younger but by their teens I has loosened up or more correctly, made adjustments to what I beleived, in some cases a total turn from my stance or perspectives of before. I am happy with the Mom I am now to my grown children. I am their sounding board, to come to if they want advice but I no longer tell them what I think they should do, they are adults.

If you find how you are feeling disturbs you enough to distract you from being able to handle every daily concern, task, schedule, then maybe its an issue that will require professional help, seeing a counselor. You did mention you were stressing out. If you find you are more often stressed than not, perhaps it would be a good idea to search for things that can help you to de-stress. I do know that constant stress can lead to depression, the temporary kind, not clinical depression. Either one is not fun. If that is an issue for you and you want to talk about or try things to help alleviate the stress, often there are things you can do that involve your thoughts and emotions. Just let me know. I am no doctor but only sharing what has worked for me and learning to recognize what situations I can not fix the amount of stress I feel and which ones require totaling cutting out of my life the things or activities that cause my great stress. I still use this way to deal with stress today, though I don't have many bouts of stress I can't handle.

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I know she means well, but she always wants to go clubbing in a city that's an hour and a half away from me. I love dancing and wouldn't mind this if I was in a committed relationship and I was okay with a significant other driving one way and me driving back, but I'm not. I'm in that state of life where I date somebody for a short amount of time and then move on to the next guy when we figure out we're not a good match.

For example twice now I invited a guy (different guys) I'd been on 3 prior dates with. Both times I had a terrible time because as soon as we got on the dance floor the guy started acting weird and then wound up getting super drunk and I had to drive a drunk guy 90 minutes home. Both times I wound up buying my own drinks. Both times I wound up not having much fun because I had to refrain from drinking because the man couldn't control himself and I wound up DD.

Right now I'm not even dating somebody. I've only seen one guy on one date and he catfished me so I don't want to invite him.

I also don't want to drive an hour and half to go clubbing with her and whatever guy she's dating when I don't have anybody to dance with. This would also mean I need to drive myself home alone 90 minutes late at night since she's living in a different city.

I love her to death, but idk how to tell her that I'm not coming without her getting kind of upset. I just don't feel like it's fair to me. The last two times she was also supposed to be alone and it was going to be just me and her and we would get a room together so neither had to drive home that night. Then last minute she invites a guy.


Am I being too uptight? I just feel like if she's going to invite me then she shouldn't invite a guy too and vice versa knowing I have a long distance to drive to get there?

I hope I can help you decide what's best for you. The best way I know is to play a little game of imagination and lets pretrend in your mind.

So lets pretend the tables are turned. Lets say that you are in her position. You guy the SO and like to go clubbing an hour or more away. Actually, the distance doesn't matter, it could be 20 mins away. But your friend is the one who had trouble finding nice guys and has no one to go dancing with. You invite her and she accepts, not knowing that you are bringing a date. She has no SO or any other friend to keep her company when you are on the dance floor with your bf. Do you think she would be okay and enjoy herself, watching you dance or would she feel like the third wheel when out with you when she has invited someone else along. Most people are not going to like the feeling of being the 3rd wheel. NOw theres a chance he was busy and couldn't go so she invited you , then his plans changed and he accepted so now she had both of you. If this is the second time it happened, it could possibly be how the situation came about. But if she Always does this to you every time, invites you, having already had bf accept, perhaps she is not thinking of how you'll feel or assumes you will just find another jerk to ask to go out.

So knowing that most people, including your girlfriend would not enjoy herself were the tables turned, I do not find it unreasonable that you felt that way. There's no such thing as 'too' uptight or too much of any emotion because how one person feels can't be compared to how another handles the same thing,everyone has a different point of view and some things will bother some people more than others.

However there some lines of thought I have about this all, that I would think about before deciding what action to take.

The first one seems to be one you have considered, not going clubbing anymore. But you need to make this decision only because you do not like the long drive there or do not like dancing or do not like the atmosphere--where a majority of the people get stinking drunk every time. Do not stop going dancing if there is a place closer and You have decided to choose the place, and of course a better guy.

You didn't say, but I imagine that your friend doesn't live near you and lives closer to the club. So she is choosing based on what is convenient to her. If the two of you are trying to find ways to spend time together even though you are living 90 minutes apart and/or your schedules are so busy that you have a hard time finding time free to spend together, and if as you say you love your friend, then perhaps if she is only choosing clubs as a place to 'supposedly spend one on one time with you' there has to be a better choice. If this is whats going on, it's quite reasonable to have a talk and let her know that you have been hoping for one on one time alone with her and all you are getting is hanging out at a club and feeling like a third wheel. Let her know you're happy she has someone to go dancing with and you're not asking her to stop that for you, just to understand that any time you both spend together is something you do alone, just the two of you and an activity at a place that both of you agree on, not a plan she or you come up with and invites the other expecting them to like it. If she still doesnt understand, you could say that you don't find getting glimpses of her with her date to be quality time with her, that you beleive friendships need more than that to survive and you love her but want to find something other than clubbing where the both of you agree to spend time together, just the two of you. It doesn't have to be quantity of time to be satisfied, but quality of the time spent together. While on her list, clubbing may feel like QUALITY time, to you it isn't so you both need to compromise as friends. You don't have to say it word for word, but say the general things to her so she understands.

Then the next thing to tackle is how to find Mr. Right for you. I do have a document I can share if you want any pointers. Let me know.

I know how frustrating it can be these days to find a good man with whom you have chemistry and a lot in common. After a divorce in my late forties, I started internet dating, meeting the guys there and taking it to real life meetings asap. At one point, I felt I'd never find the right guy and just prayed, God, if there's no "man' worthy of me, then can you please send me an alien cloaked to look like a human. Maybe he's more advanced as a male being from another planet. LOL Yeah, I guess I watch too much Sci fi but I actually made that prayer and a few weeks later, my now current husband wrote to me. You gotta meet a lot of duds girl, before you meet your sweet heart. It sure gives me perspective, loving him even more because I know there aren't a great amount of guys like him out there. with that perspective, even little things that could irritate me easily are no big deal. Anyways, I wish you the best, no matter what you decide to do.



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I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't think about anything other than what happened.
I'm devastated and horrified and angry and confused. I'm a college student and working. I don't know what to do. I just found out today and already missed two assignments. Help...

None of us saw this coming, he was not abusive or a cruel man. He was nothing, but kind to me and the rest of our family.

I too am sorry for your loss of family. Adviceman is correct. We can not do anything for you here because what you require professional help with someone who knows how to help people deal with loss. There is a proper way to navigate such a tragic loss, grieving has many stages and its important to go through all of them, even if you feel like some of them are not good. Here is a link that describes it.
www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

The day that my Mom, a cancer patient died of cancer, hospice worker organized to have a grief counselor immediately come to my sisters home where family was gathered and they asked me to take my school age children out of school right away to be there for the meeting so the counselor could talk to the kids too. Medical professional take grief counseling seriously, so don't pass it up, you'll only prolong the process for yourself.

Again, so sorry about your loss dear.

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