|
My parents get mad whenever i go out?
So im going to be 19 soon and everytime i go out with my friends my parents get so angry. They say "how come whenever your friends ask you to go out you always go cant you say no?" even though my parents would make me cancel on them all the time but the one time i do go they get mad. Then when i do go out, none of my friends have a curfew they just go home when they feel its late which is around 2am, but for me when the clock reaches 11pm my parents start calling me like crazy to come home then when its midnight they get mad till i get home. My one friend said anytime you hangout with maise (my name) her parents call her constantly which is true. What kind i do to get my parents to loosen up? Im an 18 year old female, when i go out i make sure im not alone cause i know the dangers but anyways i know i probably wont be able to do anything till i move out but any tips?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your between a rock and a hard palace. Legally you are an adult free to do as you please. On the other hand you do live at home, assumedly, rent and board free. This brinks in to play and old saying every parent has and you will have too when you become a parent. "You live under my roof, you live by my rules."
You may not like what I'm about to say; both and your parents are wrong. Your parents are wrong for not respecting the fact that you are 18 soon to be 19 and that legally they no longer can control you. You need to understand that legally they also no longer need to feed, cloth or house you or take car of any health costs. Your parent s no longer have access to your medical records either nor can the speak for you in any legal proceeding.
That at paly here is parent being overprotective and maybe being unable to cut the apron strings. For your part you need to respect the fact that your parents are still caring for you as they always have.
Now you need to help your parents loosen the apron strings. As a daughter I can tell you that in your dads eyes you will always be his little girls. Even when you are all grown up and have children of your own. That's just the way things are with fathers and daughters.
I don't think your parents want you moving out unless its in to a college dormitory so don't threaten that with them. What I suggest is to calmly sit down with them and tell them just what you wrote to us. Mom, dad;"Im an 18 year old female, when i go out i make sure im not alone cause i know the dangers, I don't take chances. Then add be home at 11 is unrealistic and demeaning to me in the eyes of my friends. I think Friday and Saturday nights a more realistic time to be home would be 1am.
Then make sure your home by then., If for some reason your delayed; say a traffic tie up Call them. I'm sure you have a cell phone and I'm sure even if they are asleep a phone call from you saying your delayed and why is better than waking up and finding out your not home and calling you and maybe not reaching you because your now moving again. Another words be respectful of their worry you are and always will be their child.
I went through this with my son when he was your age and it worked for him. I'm sure it will work for you.
]
You stated " my parents would make me cancel on them all the time" My intention is not to poke fun at you but you need to realize how it sounds...it does sound like you are going along with what they say or do. It's not as if they stuck the phone in your hand, held a knife or gun up to you and told you to call and cancel or they'd hurt you or kill you. Exactly what threat are they using that is making you crumble and do as they wish rather than stand up for yourself. No one can 'make' another person do something unless they forcefully take away all your abiiltys to speak for yourself and walk away and ignore them. THis would mean, if some stranger grabbed you, gagged you, tied you up and drugged you to make you do their will, thats about the only way your right to have control over your own life is taken away and I highly doubt your parents do that. Anyone who would treat anoother human that way, tied up and drugged to do their bidding is committing a punishable crime, it is abusive behaviour. If by chance they are laying hands on you, threatening beating or whatever else, then if you've been hit, you call the police to report them...yes, i said call the police on your parents. You would if anyone else did. Just because they are parents they are not exempt from getting punished for that. I'm a parent. I may not always like the choices of my adult daughters, but If I have advice and ask if I may share it and they have said no sometimes, then I don't. I allow them to make their own choices and I do not threaten them or hit them.
Since you are still living at home, I am guessing the parents are having a hard time with the fact that you are now an adult. There has been no change for them since you turned 18. You still live with them and sometimes that is what lulls parents minds into feeling like nothing has changed, like you are still a minor, needing their parenting. YOu'll still need your parents from time to time but it should be you going to them, using them as a sounding board, asking for advice but ultimately, what you choose to do is still your choice. So all you can do is sit the parents down and have a calm talk with them and let them know they will always be your parents and that you'll always love them but that you need to be able to have control over your own life. You can tell them that you have been easy on them and allowed them to force their wishes on you, (no one has control over you unless you give it to them) but you realize now that doing so has not helped them to make the transition of being parents of a minor child to parents of an adult child. You realize that there may be times they see something and worry. Let them know if they wish to give you some advice, all they have to do is ask you if it is okay. Then if you say yes, they may share, and if you say no, they can not argue or fight you on this. One thing that must stop is their telling you what to do and ordering you around and calling to check on you.
Hopefully your parents will get the picture and back off. But if they do not, your only options are to put up with it until you can find another living situation. If they say that as long as you live there, you must obey them in everything...they have it wrong. Yes, its their house and they can choose to not let you bring boyfriends home, not allow music played loudly after a certain time, but setting curfews is not okay. They can only make house rules the you, or any person they invite into the house must follow, like some who have the rule that you take your shoes off at the entry to help keep carpets cleaner. These should not be rules they make that apply to only you. Thats how you can determine if its a fair house rule or not.
If you have a job or classes and they are worried you may be too tired for that but you still want to go out, theres nothing they can do and stand by and watch you learn the hard way. I hope too that by sharing my advice that there may be people who don;t have to learn the hard way but by listening to advice, make a better decision and avoid the mistakes others have made. However some of the best lessons in life are those we learn by first making the mistake and learning to avoid a repeat.
If you want to go out even 7 days a week with different friends, I see no reason you can not do that. What does it hurt? I know many young adults are very social, its different than HS when we begin to make our own circle of friends, not just from school anymore but work or whom we meet through friends or any activities or clubs we're part of. I remember being the same, even once I got my license. So don't feel guilty over what you want to do. In time things will change, you'll change, you'll redefine your schedule according to what's more important to you to get accomplished. Right now, iarets enjoying being sccial. As long as you find you are still able to take care of other responsibilities, thats fine. Lets say since you live at home you still have house chores you are expected to do. Thats reasonable and if seeing your friends has repeatedly resulted in you not being able to do or not wanting to, then your parents have a reason to be upset, if you live at home, follow the rules. As soon as you can bring in an income and be able to partially support yourself, it might be a good idea to find two more girls who also want to get out of the parents house and room together, that way rent is shared and a bit more affordable. If your phone is on their plan, You might want to get your own and being responsible for your own payments. At the very least, you can warm them not to call unless its an emergency like one of them are in the hospital, otherwise you will block them. Or if they still give you trouble, then get your own cell and don't give them the number until you can see over time that they have changed their ways.
No matter how unfair or twisted they may be in how they treat you, keep in mind that deep down, the emotion causing them to do this is love, love for you. Its just that they're not doing it correctly. If things heat up and get worse than ever, you can always suggest that as a family they and you go for counseling to learn how to respect each other , they as parents and you as an adult child. I can guarantee that a counselor will set them straight pretty quick for what they are doing unless you are doing something you haven't shared here that is actually provoking them. Best of luck dear.
]
More Questions: |