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My boyfriend has a temper ive never seen before?
So since I've moved to the next state over for college my boyfriend has been having a temper problem. So he works and he goes to school. He works from 6-10pm sometimes getting off at midnight because of overtime. He has school during the day. On mondays he leaves school to go to work then goes back to school after his shift. But some days he doesnt have school and just has work. Everyday he started only texting me at midnight (and expected me to face time him) or right before he went to work when he knew he couldnt respond back. I decided to come to him and talk to him about how i felt. You know..communicate....like youre suppose to do in relationships. I told him that i felt like this wasnt a real relationship by only getting a text at midnight and that i talk to people here in my college more then i talk to him. He got pissed off at me and told me that i was bashing him and started being rude. I asked him how i was bashing him and he said that he didnt like what i said and it "didnt make him feel good", then he said he got mad because i sent him a "shrug emoji" when he sent me a "heart emoji" then he said that he got mad at an argument we had in the past. He kept changing his answer whenever i made him realize he was just being a jerk. So he told me that i "shouldve started the convo off differently" and that he didnt do anything wrong by blowing up at me. He then continued to shrug his shoulders all nonchalantly like he didnt care. I got mad and said i was done with him because this is the third time this has happened. He will just overeact and then blame it on me and not apologize. Im tired of it. He told me he sued to have a temper back in elementary but it was gone. He will not be sorry until i get fed up and thats when he wants to apologize, punch stuff,cry, yell at me, and then tell me i never loved him ad that im probably talking to someone else thats why i "want to leave him so badly." He told me that if i really loved him i would forgive him again and that "it wouldnt be so easy to leave him if i loved him." He is still putting the blame on me. I dont take being screamed at a "sorry" while he punches the steering wheel of his car. He just gets so angry and iv never seen this side of him before. He did the same thing when i went to a college party. Yes there were mostly guys there but i told him where i was. He was completely fine with it until he saw the guys on my snapchat dancing (NOT WITH ME). I got in at 1:00 am and told him i made it home safe. He got mad started dry texting me and just being really cold towards me. I kept asking him what was wrong and to just talk to me but he will just read my messages or reply with one word answers. It got to the point where i got mad and said that he didnt care about my feelings and he said "youre just saying that because i havent apologized this time" (when confronted about this later he says "oh well i never said i wasnt going to apologize" thats not what i meant." He always tries to change up what he "meant" when he got caught). So i said "fine you dont have to ever worry bout apologizing or talking to me again then" and he said "okay goodnight" so i got upset because he was just acting like he didnt care and i unadded him off social media. Thats when he messages me begging and saying sorry and that he never has gotten so mad in his life. Like he acts all nonchalant, that he doesnt care, and doesnt want to apologize until im just fed up with stuff. He just loses his temper and just blames me things as to why he treated me the way he did and that I shoudlnt have did something and it will literally be something small like an emoji. All he does is victim blame and when he cant think of something off the top of his head he will just read through our chat log to find something. He tells me that "im not letting him prove himself" when all he does is repeat the same thing over and over again after i give him a chance. Im not going to be someone's punching bag when they just lose it. How can i believe your sorry if you told me you wernt and 2 minutes later when i say im done thats when you want to apologize? He doesnt care when he has me but he cares when he doesnt. Currently we're on a break. He wanted us to take a "break" without me being considered "single" because he just wants me tied to him. All he cares about is someone else getting me and the fact that we're at 11 months now and that we're going to hit our 1 year soon. Getting told i never loved him and that i another boy im supposedly want to talk to or already talking to is making me want to leave him is just a huge slap to the face. Ive been so loyal to him since ive started college (about a month and a half ago). He says i want to break up after every argument its because im done dealing with the same shit. Hes repeated other stuff too. For a while i felt like he would never stand up for me when i was being bullied (before we graduated highschool). My ex-bestfriend tried to compete with me for his attention (which im not going to do if im dating you) and i told him hwo she was talking about me behind my back and that she had jealousy problems. She would even say little things to my face that was condescending. He continued to talk to her as if i never said anything and his excuse was that i "didnt want him to confront her". I didnt because i didnt want to cause drama i just told him to be mindful of what was going on. We got into a big fight of how he wasnt sticking up for me and he supposedly cut her off. Then i find out she would text him after we graduated and he would answer her. That turned into a fight because i felt like i was lied too and there was another instance he didnt stick up for me. So that made it the third time. Its just like im not going to keep on telling you to stick up for me or to not snap on me or to apologize or to not talk to me like im not your girlfriend. Its like im telling him to care. Yet he punches stuff, cries, begs for me back, and accuses me of never loving him and messing with someone else when i want to leave him? I dont understand.
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People with normal minds are never going to understand when they are treated like you are by someone else. You said you don't understand. You are clearly confused as to why he would be acting as he does and treat you as he does.
I come from an almost 30 yr marriage (minus a few months) of a man who treated me like crap verbally.
I learned some things along the way and made the decision to leave him. It was that or die from the stress build up. To say your bf's behavior is stressful is an understatement. I know. Stress has to go somewhere, even if its all psychological stress. Stress needs an outlet. If you don't have a reprieve and are constantly getting a daily fill of stress from the same source, the stress builds up utnil it eventually goes into your body and manifests there are stress induced illnesses. Not saying its the only cause of some of these but for sure one. I had migraines, got stomach ulcers, itchy stress rashes all over my body. The only two I hadn't had yet were heart attack or cancer and both ran in my family. So when I heard from God I had to leave by choice or leave by death from one of the two in another handful of years, I left him. The kids except one were out of HS and on their own. I can't say that's what you have to do. But you do have to think about whats best for you long term. Maybe on a day to day basis or week by week, you feel you can put up with it. But when I asked myself if I could put up with exactly the same behavior from my guy for the next 10 years or till the day I die, I broke up crying as I realized that I couldn't. I had been playing a mental game of my own 'a coping mechanism' to believing all I had to do was tolerate just one more day, week month or year of it, without looking at the larger picture. I understand your bf is young, being college age, and that he has a lot of time to improve. That is not very likely to happen for a very long time if ever at all. What must be in place before he can improve is to admit he has many issues among which anger is only one. After admitting it, he needs to want to learn how to deal with it and get better with the help of a 'Professional', not your help or friends or just doing it on his own. It won't happen otherwise. SO if you aren't seeing these tendencies, he will not improve, and his verbal apologies and begging to get you back do not mean he's had a change of heart and wants to do better. NO he doesnt, at least not yet. And you have to decide how long you want to wait for he to be ready to see a professional.
It doesn't matter if he's anywhere from very immature, or uneducated and not knowing better, to having some distorted thinking, or social or mental disorders to downright serious mental illness or socio pathic tendencies, much of the same kinds of behaviors can be seen in any or all of those situations.
My ex's favorite thing was called Psychological projection,a psychological term when humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. In his case it was always the negative. An example, when asked why we wouldn't attend an event, something he hated, he told people that I was the one who hated or couldn't handle that thing and so we could not go.
There are many more tactics a un-normal, distorted thinker will use and use on a sub-conscious level, automatically, like an animals wild instinct for survival. He doesn't have to consciously decide to use any tactics to mess with another person, it just bubbles up and feels normal to him. And yet, looking back at the ex, I can see how if seemed he did have a sense that things were not normal with him and that he wanted whatever it was in his life that would make him appear more normal to others so they wouldn't look too close. for him, it was having a wife and kids, having a job and going to church. He was terrified of what being alone would make him look like. A counselor confirmed that for me after meeting him a few times, just from what he was able to gather initially on my ex.
So you may also be the bf's security blanket, why he breaks down in begs you to give him another chance, to come back, because it somehow makes him feel more normal? I could be very wrong but it doesn't matter. What matters is that you realize he is not asking you back because he is repentant and truly horrified at how he treated you and does make a change and does better in the future. I am remarried to a wonderful man. I finally now know true love. Love isn't will to manipulate, confuse on purpose, taunt, yell at, verbally abuse the one you love. If there is ANY minor action of my current husband that I truly did not like and I tell him so, sometimes in tears, he falls apart just knowing that something he said or did in innocense actually bothered me. He doesn't just apologize but he makes sure to Never repeat the behavior. In 8 yrs with him, he has never repeated something I talked to him about that I did not like. That's what love is hon. What this guy is doing, he may think is love but no, that is not how one treats a person they love. In this world, unfortunately there are people whose minds are so dysfunctional for whatever reason, most often some mental illness not improved much by medicine that they are always going to be incapable of being a good partner to someone. I've read of many women who are no longer married to their husband because he was Narcissistic. You can't help him improve. It has to come from within himself to want to get better. by the way, if what you said to him was exactly as you wrote, stating how you feel, not using 'you make me feel' statements, then you said nothing wrong, it doesn't directly accuse him but lets him know how his schedule is affecting you. He could have responded differently, calmly and telling you that he regrets how its unfolding but that he feels his schedule is important and he can understand if you want to pull away because you have little contact with him. As much as it may hurt him, a normal thinking person could have answered something like that. He chose to not respond but react (a gut reaction) in defense and anger. If you feel you need to chat more in private with me, just write to me from my column, otherwise, I think you know what to do, as much as it may disturb you or make you feel guilty, he is too twisted currently to be able to be good boyfriend or potential future husband material. Its not you, its all on him.
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