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Dating a Vegan, are we doomed from the start?
First off he's only been a Vegan for about a month. To me this isn't really a Vegan, just somebody going through a phase. He's in that stage where he gets really defensive if you ask him why or ask him to explain some of his reasons.
We've only been out three times, so we're not too serious.
My problem is I grew up with two parents who loved to cook and in turn, I love to cook. I can't imagine living without seafood or meat. I love all kinds of proteins and especially cooking with them.
To me, him being a vegan is kind of a deal breaker. I want to be with somebody who will eat the food I cook and who I can take to family dinners and go out to eat with. I also love trying new restaurants and foods, where as he's obviously a very picky eater. When I told some of my friends they disapproved and I kind of agree with their reasons. Usually vegans are very arrogant and I could see him possibly being that way since he gets defensive about it very quickly for somebody who hasn't been a vegan for very long. They also of course know my love of food and think that while it's something I can probably handle early on, that as things progress I will become more and more unhappy not being able to cook for him all the foods I love or having to be careful about where we go out to eat.
I already had to take my best friend instead of him to a restaurant I'd been dying to try for a long time because they didn't have any real vegan options.
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You used the words 'deal breaker' in reference to him being vegan. I find it interesting, as the 2nd time around, looking for a mate, I had a list of criteria (written) that a guy had to meet to be able to even date me. This was to weed out the guys who were too far out of the ballpark to even be considered by me. I had two lists, one of needs and one of wants. To me, a deal breaker was a need. Any persons idea of what a deal breaker would be for them will vary. For me, if I was still young and wanted kids and the guy did not, that would be a deal breaker as there is no compromise there, you can't be halfway pregnant and never bring a birthed child home from the hospital if the mate doesn't want one. There were other deal breakers for me and one was that he couldn't be a smoker as I am allergic to cigarette smoke. There is no compromise with that either.
Adviceman did mention ideas for a compromise on your issue. Some people might go for that if they were truly deeply in love but it sounds like you are the type, as am I, who is always looking a few steps ahead just in case to be ready for whatever. You want to have it figured out in your mind if the relationship does become serious. I am wondering if your 3 dates were all in the month he has been vegan and if you didn't know before dating him or if he changed after you'd gone out together.
I mentioned needs, so now for 'wants'. A want is not a crucial need, it is not a deal breaker. A want is like icing on the cake, it's great if its there but if not, you know you can live with it. My example, I had 'he likes to dance' and 'he has long hair' on this list. There were more items too but of the two, he has the long hair but can't dance for a specific reason, even if he wanted to. I have been able to live without it, miss it but I have managed to find that I like all the other good points about him so much that I know if I had looked around more to find a dancer, I would not have found the other must haves, in other men as there just plain old aren't that many men my age bracket who are the type of man I was looking for.
So what you need to do is review again and decide whether this is truly a deal breaker or would be nice but you can find ways to compromise and live with it. Best way to find out is to try doing that now with the guy. Try some of what adviceman suggested. YOu could also do as he suggested and ask the man why he changed to vegan. Perhaps someone in his family was having health problems or a disease that came about largely in part to their diet. The American diet is general is a very unhealthy one and there are not many options for those who want to eat healthier. I know of people who changed their diets in many ways, not necessarily becoming totally vegetarian or vegan but making drastic changes non the less. Perhaps he himself had medical concerns come up or he read some articles or stories that got him thinking he had to make a change in his diet. When people are faced with their quality of life and health and longevity based largely on what they consume, the easiest change for others is to follow a list of what a group of others are doing diet wise, like vegan, etc. He most likely will either refine that to take out some and add in others that aren't vegan. For example I call myself a vegetarian, its easier for others to understand, although I do eat some seafood and I like chicken, just a little added in a casserole or such but I am not a big meat eater. I truly don't like beef or anything gamey tasting and I dont' like grizzle or fat in meats. Its possible that in the long run, he may stay strictly vegan but if he had a gut reaction to eat healthier, it's more likely he will refine what he eats but its a good place to start.
If this was exploratory dating, not serious committed to each other dating, then if you know it wont be anything but a deal breaker for you, then now is the time to get out. Make a list of the other things that are deal breakers to you as well. I am sure there have to be a handful if not more, there were for me. Then whenever a guy shows interest in you and you both get together for a first date, dont make it a date to go have fun and do fun stuff, get the important stuff out of the way, have it be a date over coffee hashing out what is important to both of you. We start out being attracted to appearances or one or two traits we like that we see in a person by observance but theres a whole lot more buried beneath the surface that is better to know at the beginning rather than find out there is a couple deal breakers after 6 months of dating. Don't feel bad about this, You have every right to what you consider your own deal breakers and there will be men who get very upset with you for that but you know yourself best. Just don't make a snap judgement and give it some thought.
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It is easier to date and live with a vegetarian then a Vegan but it is possible. Remember one thing about any relationship. Relationships are a 50/50 proposition. Whether it is cooking, where to go for diner, movies to see or what happens in the bedroom to some extent the best relationships and marriages are the ones that are full 50/50 partnership.
This means neither one of you need to give up what you enjoy. You like trying new restaurants, so do I. My wife does not like new things it is outside her comfort zone. So On date night's one month my restaurant choice the next month her choice. we are retired and the budget allows for only on date night.
Most restaurants have a vegetarian option. When it is your turn to pick an a Restaurant he can chose the vegetarian option without seriously violating his vegan standards. When it is his turn to pick a restaurant I'm sure you can find something you can enjoy and many Vegan and vegetarian restaurants do offer alternative menus for non vegans.
At home you cook for yourselves and on occasion for each other especially if he makes something you enjoy.
To go from carnivore to Vegan is quite a jump. Most people go to vegetarian first. You might want to sit down with him and find out why he made the jump. I know a young lady who made the jump to vegetarian because of who she was dating.
One afternoon we were all on duty together at the fire station. With the exception of her we all ordered Hamburgers from her favorite hamburger place. We surrounded her and made this big deal about how good the burgers were. Be fore we finished she grabbed the extra burger. she had decided she would be a vegetarian when she was with him but not when she was not with him.
It was a smart move on her part for when we, her 30 big brother met him we disapproved. Shortly there after she met the man she married which of course the 30 of us approved of.
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