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Marriage?!?
So I got engaged yesterday. It was super sweet. He asked me in front of everyone. But honestly I felt obligated to say yes. I am scared. I love him so much but I have been married and divorced and I couldn't imagine going through it again. I am terrified. I am having doubts but I don't want to break his heart.... or my own. I know if I lost him I would be devastated but I know how bad marriage can be. What do I do? Should I see a therapist? I feel so confused and lost right now. On top of that my dad died I cant imagine him not being there. gosh Life is hard. Help please
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Go for it! If you truly love him give it a chance. Your dad will still be there cheering you on in soul. Don't be afraid.
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Its not the institution of marriage that is bad, it is only the people in it that can be bad to/for each other. I too was married and divorced. The ex was verbally abusive my whole marriage. It only took about a year of being away from him to learn to undo coping mechanisms I was using. I chose to learn from my mistake of marrying him, I was 20 and didn't know enough to truly see the warning signs. With what I have learned as I grew older, looking back, I now can see there were plenty warning signs that neither my parents nor I noticed.
I was not scared to be married again, especially if I found a guy who was truly good for me and me for him. If you know you would feel devastated just imagining yourself without him, then he must be the right one. So all that is needed is getting past your bad experiences from before and that is not easy. YOu also have a loss through death and thats a lot for a person to handle. I side with Adviceman, it would be best to see a counselor.
I wish you a happy life with your new guy. It can be so wonderful. I am happy I went looking a 2nd time. But then I also had a list of what I was looking for and what i did not want in a guy. I had criteria a guy had to pass (not that he just said he was such and such but proven thru his actions). That helped me alot. I still advocate for you getting counseling but if you like, can send you the document I have saved on how to find Mr. Right. I have a feeling it will help you to know you are making the right choice. But I've been through a divorce and truly believe you will need to see a counselor. I did, although mine was a friend who did that for a living and did as a favor to me.
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Yes see a therapist will be very helpful to you. If you have health insurance through work then you probably have and employee assistance program. This program will not only helps you find a (EAP)therapist it generally pays for the first few visits then your insurance will cover as described in the coverage contract.
IF you don't have an EAP and you live at home and you mother works and her company has one the plan covers anyone under her roof. The same is true if you live with your fiancée and his employer has EAP coverage.
Next one bad marriage should not ruin you for life. My niece had a bad marriage and was sure she would never remarry. That was six years ago one 4 year old child and a very happy marriage. My nephew in-law is head over heal in love with her. They have a beautiful home. They travel even with my great nephew as an infant he traveled papoose style on daddy's back across Europe and London hen to New Zealand. In December they are going back to New Zealand and taking my sister and my other niece with them.
I'm not telling you this to make you jealous. I'm telling you this to point out that not every guy is a dud. There are a lot of great guys out there and it sounds like you may have found one.
I suggest the following.
1. Seek out a good therapist; you will probably be more comfortable with a woman so ask for one when you contact EAP or your doctor or insurance company for a referral. You won't need a medical referral but your doctor might know of someone he or she trusts.
2. At this point don't be in a rush to the alter. There is nothing wrong with long engagements. You’re going to need time to save for the wedding anyway.
3. If you are not already living with your fiancée then consider doing so. But only after you have talked it over with your therapist.
4. My condolences on the loss of your father. You need tome to grieve. We ask grieve differently and there are 5 to seven stages of grief. You need to go through all the stages, this takes time.
5. Last sit down with your fiancée and explain to him your fears and what you’re doing to overcome them. If you haven't told him what caused your divorce now is the time to do so. Last thing is to ask him if he will attend some therapy sessions with you. If he is the man you describe he will say yes. This will be the signal you need to see to know this is a man who is different from your ex and you can have a life with him.
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