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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

So my girlfriend and I recently got together, and it being close to valentine’s day, I want to do something really big for her. I’m not sure if she is planning to do anything for me, and I don’t want to embarrass her. There are only a few people who know about is, and if I do something too big, people will figure it out. What should I do?

If I understand correctly, in another way of saying it, you mean you have not been dating long. I can understand not wanting others to know yet, early on in case sometimes happens and it is short lived relationship.
But as the recipient of a gift, you also don't want to have her overwhelmed with something real extravagant. She may feel the pressure or take it to mean this relationship is more serious than you may mean for her to take it. I do believe in love at first sight but also believe it to be a rare occurence. Most females, no matter what role they have or what they used to be in an LGBTQ relationship, I've known those with female tendencies to overthink and jump to conclusions easily regarding a relationship. You know her best. So either a card and dinner out may be best. If anyone sees you two eating out, that doesn't mean anything other than going out for a meal that happens to land on Valentines day. You are correct that she may not do anything for you as she may think it too early and not want to scare you away be seeming to intense early on. Most of worries are all in our minds. It might be best to have a simple chat and ask her 'Would you like to do something for Valentines day? I know its early in the relationship but you are special to me at this point and it might be nice to commemorate it. What do you think?" Get her thinking about. You could also add, 'it can be something small like surprising each other with little gifts, nothing too big to draw attention yet since we haven't been together for long.' Either she'll like the idea or not. That way she can be prepared and you both can still surprise each other with the gift.

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I am bisexual. I am female and dating a girl. I love her very much but I am afraid of commitment and I have never held a bf for more than 3 weeks. This is my first attempt as a gay couple. I don't know what to do.

You said you are bi-sexual, not gay. So this will go against what you really are and may cause issues down the road.
I have met plenty of bi-sexual women. I used to attend a swing club where both straight and bisexuals were in attendance.
In most cases, all these women were married to a wonderful man who knew from the start that they were bisexual and were supportive and understanding of their wife. Also, bisexual didn't mean they loved many men and many women, often it was only one. It was common to love their husband but not be able to tolerate other men. On the other hand, she didn't have to desire hooking up with lots of women and sometimes it was only one.

I don't know your age, but don't worry, you sound perfectly normal and just haven't met that one man that you could be in love with for the rest of your life while you have female lovers or one on the side. I can't say if its easier to find gay females than bisexual females. All I can say is that if you know a female to be strictly gay, then its best you be truthful from the beginning and let her know that you are bisexual and just haven't met the guy yet you want a long term relationship with but that it will happen at some point so she needs to be okay with that. A good many bi women were married before they began to seek female lovers. That seemed to work better for people rather than finding the female lover first and then adding in a bf/future husband. You may just have to learn what works best for you. But I caution you let a potential person know in the first meetup exactly what your sexual preference is. It might sound crazy to say so in the first meeting but I told men what my boundaries were and what I expected when I first met and had no problems with that. Its better to say so at first rather than later after you've grown to have deeper feelings than just attraction so there's no heart ache when finding the other doesn't feel comfortable with you being bi. remember to be yourself and not change who you are and your desires and natural tendencies just to please another person. They must be okay with it from the start dear. Best wishes to you.

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I played softball all four years of high school. My best friend did as well, but for a different team as we went to different schools. This resulted in a bit of a friendly rivalry.

Senior year rolled around. Our team was scheduled to play hers shortly after she pitched a no-hitter. I had the most home runs of anyone on my team and we were both feeling cocky. We'd also both been toying with the idea of going to a tattoo parlor once we were 18. This led to us making a bet. If I struck out against her, I'd have to get a tattoo of her choice. If she failed to strike me out the entire game, she'd have to get the tattoo of my choice.

I came so close to winning, but she struck me out in the 7th and final inning. Two months later, when I turned 18, I figured a bet is a bet. We went down to a local tattoo parlor and I got inked. To commemorate the fact that she owned my ass at the plate, the tattoo was of a softball with her name and jersey number on it, and I got it on my left butt cheek.

Fast forward five years. A lot has happened since then. For one, I'm now engaged. My friend has also died. She was killed in a car accident three years ago. Since then, this tattoo has taken on a new significance. It's more than just a funny story I've related to the handful of people who've seen it. It's a part of her that'll always be with me.

Since our engagement, my fiance has been pressuring me to get it removed. He never had any problem with it before and I'm not sure why it's suddenly such a big deal for him as he never really gives me a straight answer. I don't have any intention of getting it removed and I don't want it to be a source of friction between us, so now I'm lost. What should I do?

There's a saying, 'you're in between a rock and a hard place'. It means you're stuck and there is no good way out of this.
If your friend was still alive and you wanted to please the fiancee, then getting it removed might be the best. However, as your friend has died and this is a way you can feel a connection still to your friend who's passed on, I'd have to say I'm on your side.
Also, for a person who is going to marry you, I would hope that this guy is really in love with you, not just loves a few things about you. In love means totally, including caring about your feelings, and wanting to do anything that makes you happy. If it goes against the grain, all I can say is this might seem one small thing right now but how many other things will he be a 'stick in the mud' about after you marry and not want to budge or compromise on. You could take your chances and marry him and see how long or how short lived that marriage is, because if he can throw such a fuss over something that is now a memento to you, it will likely not stop there. This shows an unbending, uncompromising and non understanding attitude. Usually, when ever you see something in a persons character, good or bad, there is lots more of it that you haven't seen yet that will surely rise to the surface.
Have another talk and let him know that this is meaningful to you and you do not want him to make it a choice between his wishes and a special memory of a dead friend. People deal with grief in different ways so if this gives you comfort, thats good. He can't tell you this is an unreasonable way to deal with yours.
It might come down to your having to choose between the fiancee and or the tat.
I suppose many may not stop to think it through deeper and just say that of course you should choose the fiancee over the tat. HOwever, choosing a loving fiancee, one deeply in love with you is way different than choosing one that does not love you enough to make you happy. So, I have a test off the internet that I added to, to determine if a guy loves you enough. I have found it to be very true. My ex failed miserably on all points. But my 2nd husband aces it. So here it is in hopes it gives you clarity to see if he is really worth choosing over the tat.
I am thinking your issue falls under # 5.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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So everyone is starting to get worried because I’m turning 20 this year and I’ve still never been in a relationship, never dated or anything etc. Especially my dad he’s always bothering my sister and I about “where’s my boyfriend?” Even though I told my dad multiple times I have self-esteem issues and nobody finds me attractive anyways. In high school no guy has given me attention, they always went towards my friends I’ve also been called ugly multiple times by different guys in my grade so you can see how that impacted my self-esteem. Even my first day of grade 9 this one girl was trying to find a girlfriend for their friend and one girl pointed at my and the girl said “eww not her” as if I couldn’t hear her. Another thing is I was always told by my good friend that I’d be prettier if I started to wear makeup. At first back in high school that pissed me off but now that I’m older I understand what she means because makeup just enhances beauty anyways. Also my manager at my job can somehow sense I’m not confident in myself cause she also told me to start wearing makeup cause that’s what helped her build her self-esteem. Anyways with that being said because of how low my self-esteem is I don’t have the confidence to talk to guys, I literally stutter when I talk to attractive guys or stay quiet cause I feel like I don’t have anything good to say in general. My parents, my siblings and my friends are wondering when I’m going to get in a relationship. I can’t give them a solid answer cause I don’t know , obviously I have to grow up eventually I’m not getting any younger and should start experiencing life so does anyone have any tips on how I can get them to back off? (I do want to be in a relationship but you see my situation right?) also I have a baby face making me look 15 instead of 19 which sucks

I do not understand why your parents believe there is something wrong with you because you have not dated yet at almost 20. There is nothing wrong with that. Even if you had plenty self confidence and you were happy with your looks, and you were hit on alot, that does not mean you will be guaranteed to find a guy you even want to date.
Perhaps they married young or are from another country where it is common to date and marry early?
Or they are afraid you may be gay due to not dating a guy. Either way, they need to be supportive. All you can do for now is to have talk with them and let them know that you are not gay but you are working on your self confidence. And when you are ready, you will date but not before then. Then ask them to be supportive of your wishes. Remind them it is not their job as your parents to push you towards dating and besides, you are now an adult and will make your own decisions. You do not want advice from them unless you ask for it. It is actually rude and uncaring to give advice that is not wanted but you understand they did so in the past because they love you. However you are asking that they stop putting the pressure on you.

You could do the make over but that still only changes your outward appearance and that will not fool a guy for long. If a guy does ask you out and he finds you can barely hold a conversation.
I once read a report done on what was more important for a man to be attracted to women. There were average women to model types. The average looking women had self confidence where as the model types in this test did not. After initionally being attracted to the looks, most the men left the good lookers and were drawn to the ones with self confidence. It's true that men worth having will find the beauty that goes deeper than just the skin, who you are inside. write to me from my column if you want the instructions on what to do to gain self confidence. I read it in a womens magazine and tried it and it worked. I'd be glad to share it if you feel ready and want to do it.

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I’m applying for a security position. They want my work history, but I don’t want to put my history down because I haven’t lasted long at these jobs. They were low paying crappy jobs. I’m applying for a security guard at an airport. Can they find out if I lie about my work history?

A job at the airport will be considered a government job. You can be sure that you have to pass much to get a position in any government job.
They will not only check out your work history but do a thorough background check of you, and possibly the rest of your family as well. My husband once applied for a job considered government and they wanted to check family too to make sure there are no terrorists or anything they considered questionable behavior in the past. So lieing on the job app would probably rule you out immediately.

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What is the correct meaning of “go with the flow” mean in a relationship?? Could I get some simple explanation. He’s 28 and I’m 26. Dating for a few months. Cheers.

Go with the flow feels like 'laid back and easy going' or content with whatever may come'.

You'd have to ask him what he meant by it because in not asking him, you are not having a discussion that may be very important as far as what you want from the relationship and what he wants if both wants differ drastically.

If a guy is in the mode of searching for a long term relationship or for their life long partner in marriage or otherwise, then that man will not have a problem with commitment and letting you know early on of how he is feeling about you.

If a guy is in no hurry to commit to a girl, but just wants to enjoy dating without any strings attached or expectations like commitment from her, then he will be of a mind to not want to hurry things. If in this process he eventually gets to the point of not wanting to ever lose her, he will make a commitment. It's this type of person that generally will want to go with the flow, no expectations, and just be content with what there is now, not thinking of the future.

You say you're dating a few months. So that is reasonable. However if you are simply looking for a man to fall in love with you and want to get married because you are ready Now, then keep that in mind. It depends how often you spend time together and get to know each other more. If you see each other several times a week, thats more experience than once a week or less. I saw my 2nd husband probably 4,5 days out of each week when we first met. Of course we were both divorced and older and knowing what we wanted. We both were ready for a new relationship so after about 5 weeks we knew we had found the right person and made a commitment to each other. We are now married.
So I can't tell you without knowing how much time is invested right now in each other daily, whether at 6 months he should know what he wants, to continue with you or look elsewhere or if it would take a year. It shouldn't take longer. If he can't commit, then you may want to break it off and look elsewhere. Love not returned isn't going to make you happy.

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hi ya,
boyfriend of 4 months has started to call me a pet names such as darling, hun and baby but mainly darling and hun? we both are 23. just wondering if it's too early to use pet names? does hun has a same meaning as darling or is there any differences?
thanks

There is no time limit on when people can start calling each other by endearments. Endearments are pretty standard like 'sugar pie' 'honey' 'dear' 'darling' 'lovey' 'sweetheart'
A pet name is something not others would call their partner, made up, maybe derived from their name like 'Snookers' 'BoBo' 'Spike' 'Pepper'

YOu are thinking perhaps only of a partner but people start off easily from day one, like a Mom with her newborn, You feel love for the child and the endearments come easily. I do that with my grandchildren often.

It doesn't have to be genuine love yet, but can be feelings of happiness when in your presence, or a very strong 'liking'.

The endearments are great but more important is to look beyond the words 'even the words I love you when they come' because words are easy to say. Its much more telling if a guy backs them up with his actions, how he treats you. I used to have a husband who called me by pet names but treated me like crap. Of course I am divorced from him as I learned better. I now have a husband whose actions speak as loud as his endearments and compliments. And that is ultimately what every woman wants.

PS. there is no difference in which endearment is used, nor in whatever pet name is created, as long as the person calling you by it is saying so in a loving way and it is not ridicule or a negative meant to push your buttons or hurt your feelings.

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in 2013 Adult Swim added Rick and Morty a sci fi cartoon that people are calling the smartest tv show and mostly when you type something in that show constantly gets suggested and most of it's fan pay too much attention to it saying you need to have high iqs to understand the jokes but i think that is ridiculous so how can you ignore Rick and Morty i just don't like seeing those characters everywhere i look.

If you are seeing these characters not only on TV but as you say everywhere, I am guessing you mean billboards, signs on buses, on clothing for sale, etc. The reason it is irritating you is because you have trained your mind to look for them.

Heres an example. Lets say you have a Volkswagon Golf car. Until you got the car, you didn't realize how many are out there on the road. But now that you are familiar with how yours looks, you seem to spot them all the time. No matter what new car I get, I begin to notice all the others of the same make and model.

What you need to decide is to focus on looking for something else that is equally popular. Perhaps a couple things. Once you have decided to look for something new everywhere you go, you will begin to see these things. I suppose you could consider this a game. No, it doesnt make Rick and Morty disappear from your view but once you are looking for something else, it will not bother you as much when you see them. I have a grandchild who still likes anything about the Disney movie Frozen. I never noticed any 'Frozen' stuff before until I was told the child liked anything about 'Frozen'. ONce I had that in my mind, I see it everywhere all the time. I hope this helps you. Its worth a try. Otherwise, you're just stuck having to feel miserable seeing that stuff.

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I know this is long and not many people like to read long questions, but I'd appreciate it. I'd especially like to hear from guys who can interpret what it means when a guy behaves this way, or girls who have been in a similar scenario.

I'm a 14 year old female. So there's this guy I see in Drama Club almost daily since we have rehearsals for our upcoming musical often. Let's call him J. I'll mention two other boys later, let's call them X and Y. I suspect he has feelings for me though he doesn't really express it directly. You see, I'm a very direct person; I say what I feel and what I think, but he doesn't seem to be like that.

What I notice about J that makes me think he likes me in a more than a frend way is that he just seems to be nicer to me. What I mean by this is he has a gentler voice when speaking with me, and just seems so much nicer. He's kind of a dickhead to other people but not to me. If other people call his name, he may ignore them, but he's always very responsive towards me. The only time I've seen him genuinly display anger or sadness is if something or someone is bothering me, and he is always quick to comfort me which he never does with other people or even himself. He's also nice and friendly to my friends in a similar way, but to a lesser extent. He's the nicest to me.

Once, I was complaining to him and a few other people about X who was bugging me for not liking him back. Then J got very angry, and said he thinks he knows who X is. I said his full name, and he said he did know him. After that day, X stopped completely. Then there's this kid Y, a close friend of J, who is in the drama club as well, that I thought seemed pretty rude. I joked that I think Y has a problem with me, and J got upset again. He assured me that I'm not the problem, then left immediately. After that, Y starts acting extremely friendly around me. That, paired with the fact that J's friends always treat me with the upmost respect despite the fact that most of them are slightly dickheadish as well is too much to be a coincidence.

I think I like him. I think he's funny, smart, and mature for his age, and we've got a lot in common. I think he has a sensitive and sweet side to him, he just only shows it to me. I wish I knew 100% that he has a crush on me so that I could have a crush on him without worrying I'll get dissapointed. Do you think he likes me? What should I do?

HI there. The most likely answer is that he likes you. I will explain. One thing I have learned about males is that they liked to feel needed by a female. Maybe for some its the one they are interested in but for others they are always willing to help a female who needs help with something. That's my husband. When the older neighbor ladys clothes line fell down, he noticed it when we were over visiting he volunteered to put it back up for her. It could be largely in how the boy in question is raised, with parents teaching him to treat females gently and use their manners around them. The being of help to a damsel in distress can be taught but in most, it was just naturally there, as part of their character. You did not ask him to solve a problem but he listened closely to you and heard what sounded like a problem he could easily help you with by having a talk with x and Y.
Most teens are so absorbed with their own issues that they don't think to show a level of concern and care for others. Since he is quick to comfort you, that is a sign of really caring about the other person, hard for someone to do unless they already have some kind of feelings for that person. Then there's the fact that he talks softer with you than with others. I am glad you are noticing these traits in him. Some guys find it easy to say the words "I love you" but then they treat you the total opposite, like my ex husband. I fell for it once but won't again. So remember, it's not the words that can be totally relied on but how he backs up those words by treating you or in this case how he treats you even though he hasn't spoken the words 'directly'. As long as his actions show he cares about you. Now, there are not many boys who during HS are ready for telling a girl they like her, to date her. Relating to the opposite sex is something new and it will be a process of gaining experience and gaining self confidence before you see more males being bolder and more direct. I want you to also keep in mind in your dating years ahead that often a guy is as scared as girls are to make the first move and say something or do something. But there is another reason, that of being a gentleman. Such a male doesn't want to pressure the female or scare her off by making advances of any sort. In fact, my 2nd husband made no move to kiss me after we'd known each other a week and I kissed him first. When he realized I wasn't just attracted to his friendship but also a romantic attraction, he never held back again. Since J is already acting the part of a gentleman, there's always a slight chance that when he is ready, he still won't make the first move. It doesn't have to happen soon dear. At this age, it is a good thing to start with just becoming best of friends. And as adviceman mentioned, allow him time to grow, mature and get used to the hormones changing his body. If you continue to remain friends the whole year, perhaps in a year if not two, he may to ready to let you know how he feels.

I give everyone this special thing to say to determine if a person likes them only as a friend but not romantically. If you save this somewhere and state it is I write it, you will learn if the person welcomes more or not.

"Hey J, since we've been doing so well as friends all this time, it got me to wondering if we could do just as good being more than friends. What do you think? Should we try it?"

This is not scary or pressure on the other person because there is no declaration of liking or loving the other. Then you also ask their opinion as if you will be okay no matter what the answer so they feel more comfortable to tell the truth and answer no if they don't have the same feelings. But a guy who may be shy will find this the perfect opportunity to further the relationship and will answer yes.

So as to what to do right now, just enjoy being friends with him. Invite him to hang out as friends doing something that you both have in common.

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I am 25 years old boy from India ..
I have itching problem around my balls and my under area .. I used rub and itch with my hands now the skin is rough and hard dry ..
Still I get itching there ..
I wash my under area daily ..
Pls suggested me a cream

I am in the U.S. and products probably vary from country to country. I don't know what is available there but you could go to your local pharmacy where presciption medicine is available as well are lots of general on the shelf products for self treatment.

Here your condition would be called jock itch. The term may differ. So I suggest you ask the head pharmacist. Describe your condition and ask what creams they have to treat it. Such itching can be fungal or bacterial. Hopefully there is something that treats both. If not, try one of each and if a fungal treatment doesn't work, buy the bacterial one.

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I suffer from severe depression, and cry every night for 1-3 hours. The only thing that calms me down is the guy that I like, and that I've liked since elementary school. He's always liked me back, but we were never together. I haven't seen him in two years, and I've only talked to him a couple times through shared friends because he doesn't have a phone and is not in my area. I listen to an old recording of him singing whenever I am sad, and it usually helps, but it's not always enough.
I'm dependent on him, I haven't seen him in three years, and I miss him. What do I do?

When you ask "What do I do?" there are two issues and you didn't specify so I'll have to answer both.

Starting with the fact that you miss this friend and have no way to see him or speak regularly, even if you were not depressed, a person can miss a special friend. If he doesn't have a cell phone, do the parents have a land line and could he get the okay to use it at a certain time like regularly on Saturdays or a certain evening? Try to find out. Most people who are very outdated on technology and don't have cells or computers at least have a land line. I would mention computer next. You could do Skype and be able to see and hear him. If either of you do not have access to a computer at home, there's always the public library. You have to go in or call the library and ask for a time to use it. Time slots are 2 hrs at mine and might vary depending on how heavy a usage at a particular location. If a library, check to see if ear buds can be plugged in to listen to each other. Where there is a strong will , one will always find a way to make it happen.

Now the second issue is the fact you say you have depression. Depression should not go untreated. You didn't give enough details other than crying every night. Sure it sounds like depression. HOwever you are female and age 13. I remember that age. The hormones that were talking over my body bring on a monthly cycle of course. But it is a very big change to a females body and I still do not know of any female personally who never had issues with their emotions. I am going to go into detail on something I want you to share with your Mom because it ultimately ends up in seeing your family Dr. Young females in puberty will either cry alot, cry easily for no reason or be easily irritated at others for insignificant reasons or upset or even pretty angry. This lasts only for the duration of the time it takes your body to get used to the changes and then the emotions will calm down again. If you were 18, I wouldn't even be mentioning this as older teens are emotionally getting back to normal.
What i have mentioned is normal temporary emotional change and your Mom will remember hers. However there is something that can blow these normal changes in emotions out of proportion. It has to do with how our planet is being polluted. There is a female form of hormones present in the environment now, in plastics we use every day, and its probably in the water. there have been no studies done so the official agencies will share this with the public, however thru this site, I've heard from young females who became a totally different and mean, vicious person on one hand or if they leaned towards tears rather than anger, they became depressed. I learned from Moms who took their daughters to the Dr. to have their female hormone levels checked that in these cases of out of control emotions, their hormone level was way higher than it should be. The elevated hormones are due to females picking up hormones in their body just from the environment. Then when her body starts producing the bigger amounts of hormones just to change and mature her body and start her cycle, she has way more than a person should have and it effects the emotions. i put two and two together from reading about the forms of pollution in our environment and this is the best conclusion I could come to.
So this requires a visit to the family Dr. to have your hormones tested. If too high, the Dr can prescribe something to take care of it. It only lasts for the teen years and by time you're out of HS you most likely will no longer need that medication.
On the other hand, If you insist on having the hormone levels checked and its normal, then your Dr. can refer you to a mental health professional to check you out for clinical depression. I know you likely don't want to consider that possibility hon, but i am a MOm of a daughter who when she was in HS, developed clinical depression but she didn't tell me until after having a baby in her early 20s, she also got post partum depression on top of what she already had and got thoughts of killing herself and her baby even though she knew that was wrong. She saw a Dr and was put on meds immediately and that solved her issue. What I want to share is how I felt as the mom. Moms want to nurture and protect their kids. But not telling your Mom, you take this ability away from her. I still feel real bad that I could not see any signs of it, the daughter hid it well. I was a very hands on Mom, very involved in all my daughters lives, and they knew they could talk to me about anything, even friend troubles or sex but that is the one thing she held back. I still hate the fact she had to suffer so long without being able to help her. Whats worse is that depression can lead to suicide. If a child with untreated depression committed suicide, you think your problems are over but they start for the parents. Each may tend to blame the other for not seeing the signs. Either way, many couples who lose a child for whatever reason, especially suicide, end up splitting up. I am sure you don't want to affect your parents or any siblings that way. So it is important hon, that you do go talk to Mom.
This may be depression due to hormone overload or it may be the real depression. Don't let a Dr. send you straight to a psychiatrist for depression meds if theres a chance this may be hormonal in cause. Otherwise, it won't solve your problem but create more problems. And lastly, please let your mom read what I have written.
I wish you all the best. And i'd like to hear how this is resolved. I truly care because as i said, I have a daughter with depression.

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can a guy love two girls at the same time and loves really both of the girls? why? what's he thinking? is it really possible and what to do in such situation? break up with him? could anyone eplain?
thank a million

You don't state your age and thats important here.
If young teens or early twenties, people are still trying to figure out what Mr. Right and Miss Right are for them and a few never figure that out. So its entirely possible for a young male to think he is in love with more than one girl.

However, I am familiar with another practice called 'Polyamory' Poly is not to be confused with swinging which is having multiple sex partners for the fun of it. As in any couple relationship, there will be sex but sex isn't the only reason two are together. This is the rest of a relationship, the being close friends, loving their personality and wanting to interact with and support them, etc. The only thing is that dit is doubled, or tripled. In most cases, there is a core relationship, a stable relationship, a healthy one and the longest lasting one. Then the male or female meets another who they fall in love with. None of poly is kept private. Current partners are made aware of any dating or wanting to have sex with or add another person into the mix of a growing relationship. There is more to tell but this is to give you an idea. Of all my studies and having known many poly people, I can say that you usually don't find people in this sexuall configuration unless they are in their thirties or older, and even then, not so much in the thirties as people want to be past trying for children and have had plenty of time to grow a stable first relationship. Its not just the good stuff multiplied twice or more but the bad things and problems too. So if you can not handle one relationship without too many issues, then you' will have more and worse with adding in more. Most women are territorial when it comes to other women and their guy. So the women have to be of a different mind set where they won't fight each other. This is not the norm of most women so in truth, there are very few people who could successfully navigate more than one love relationship. If its a guy wanting more than one female long term in his life at the same time, thats more like Polygamy which is one male and more than one female. You hear of these kinds of relationships more in Utah. Men who married each of these women and they all like in one big house or several and he had to share his time with each wife and has kids with all of them. But if any of those women wanted to have another male besides the husband with 3 or more wives, they would not be allowed. This is a situation of whats good for the man is not allowed for the women. I have had other questions come across here about a guy who has committed to several women and from the description, it sounded like a guy who was a controller, and liked having females need him and being a player in general trying to get away with something unfair by making it public to all the women he was into.
If you wish to share more of what is really going on here, I may be able to give you some idea's and help with advice that can help you decide what you want to do about it.

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Story time.

I live in the upstairs half of a 75 year old house that was built and lived in by my landlord's parents. They lived here, died here. I have never suspected they're still hanging around. No indications. However, there is a cemetery, within view from my little outdoor landing, on the opposite side of this block.

I was sitting at my kitchen table, which sits against a wall, as this "apartment" is small, reading a book and waiting on some food i had in the oven. I've got my feet on the floor. I have a few random things on the table. Fridge is across from me, but not touching the table. As I was sitting her, I felt a weird tremor in the floor, with my feet, that made the table shake. It felt as though the floor were moving, like someone had walked by, or maybe the house was shifting. Things on the table clinked, so i know I wasn't crazy. Shortly after this, my refrigerator started up. So it was not the fridge. Really weird.

About 5 minutes later, my neighbor calls up through the floor at me to ask if I want some food, so I go down to meet him for it. I ask him if he was doing anything with the wall or ceiling just a bit ago, and he says no, but he was sitting on the couch in his living room, and felt the couch move. I don't know anything about the layout downstairs, but this is weird. The only thing that moved in my apartment was the table and the floor beneath it, like it warped. I have some mugs and pretties that are hanging, and nothing else around my kitchen was moving or clinking when it happened. He told me it could be something to do with "the dead people across the street, I used to see em." Okay. That was unexpected. I definitely considered paranormal activity, but I haven't witnessed anything, just the occaasional general discomfort late at night when I turn all the lights off.

Sorry if I got disorganized in my recounting. I live in Wisconsin, btw, so I feel like an earth quake is fairly out of question, especially since nothing else was disturbed. What could be a possible explanation for the weird shaking we felt, that didn't upset any other parts of our house? Paranormal or logical? I have not experienced anything weird like this until now. Thanks for your input!

I can tell you its not due to living next to a cemetary. Old houses do settle at times, a creaking or a tiny sound and lots less of movement like you mention. It does however sound more like the earth shifting or moving as in an earthquake.

Earthquakes can occur in minor bits like you felt if the house is anywhere near a fault line. A fault line would be a place where a break or fracture in the ground occurs when the Earth's tectonic plates move or shift and are areas where earthquakes may happen. I have twice felt the minor thing you mention and both times were a minor fault line. Something that rarely shifts but has been there in the earth for eons. Once time I was sitting on a chair at a table at a restaurant with hubby and his friend from California. All of a sudden I felt dizzy, like I couldn't sit straight. NOthing on the table was clinking. There was nothing bouncing or jumping. It only lasted seconds but I clutched the table edge hoping and took a deep breath, honestly thinking I was ill. When I felt better again, I looked across the table at the California friend and he was smiling. "You felt that earthquake, didn't you?" My husband said, 'There was no earthquake' but the friend point up at the hanging lantern and it was swinging slightly. "Yes there was."
Another was when we were up in Canada. I was sitting again at a table. Hubby was in bed resting. The chair I sat on was kind of wobbly to begin with having loose joints. So when I felt the rolling side to side movement, I thought the chair was falling apart on me. It lasted again briefly. A resident of the area checked on everyone and we were told this rarely happens there, only once before in their lifetime and not to worry about more.
I also have read about the practice of fracking, drilling for oil through out the U.S. and in some cases it causes the ground to shift for a second or two causing a mild rippling of the ground as it resettles. It could be that if not on a fault line or near one, that the ground was settling from fracking that occurred somewhere in the general area. So don't worry, nothing paranormal there.
k

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Right,
I say things whenever we argue or disagree and my boyfriend goes on and say why are you making an assumptions? Again with the assumptions? Maybe I’m saying things that it’s not going to happen even he gives me this impression. I maybe worry too much and say oh you’re going to do that even I don’t want you to and he replies why’re you making so much assumptions? Thanks. What do I think here? What’s he saying?

I am sure you know the definition of assumption but will list it here to work off it.

Assumption: a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

I have in recent years become more interested in mental health but I am no professional. All I know is what people I am familiar with are going through and what I have read that psychologists have written. I have read from several such writers who all talk about something called 'distorted thinking'. This is not a mental illness and ALL humans are open to having these kinds of thoughts pop into their heads. I remember reading a book of Dr. David D. Burns in which even he admits to such thoughts popping into his head and those of colleagues. The difference is ability to recognize it for what it is and then quickly choosing to replace that thought with the truth and stop dwelling on the distorted one. IN one of his books, he goes over the different sort of distorted gymnastics our minds can go through. As I said, I am no professional but making of assumptions does remind me of one particular line of thinking the Dr. referred to. Its talking as if we can predict the future and being so sure of it, like fortune telling. NOt saying that there aren't true gifted psychics, I am friends with one. But most times we try to predict outcomes or certain to happen as the definition of the word said. And the only proof we rely on is our feelings which are not really proof and similar things or the same outcomes that have happened before. But there is no 100% proof that can say the same will happen again. This would be like Jane be always late, a procrastinator. She's always shown up late to meet with friends. Then she kicks that bad habit and becomes very punctual. However, her best friend Emma still invites her to show up an hour to a half hour earlier than the start of a party because she is assuming Jane will be late, based on the way things have been in the past. Or lets saythe new Jane's car battery is dead and she calls to say she might be a little late. Emma's assumption is that means she'll be an hour or more late or might not show at all. Jane goes next door and asks her neighbor to help and then is only 15 minutes late, but traffic was good and she arrives only 5 or 10 min later than the time Emma gave.
This goes both ways, predicting what will happen and also what won't happen. Its being so sure you know the outcome will be exactly as you believe and say. While he may be true in seeing this in you, it doesn't mean he is without issues himself. As I said, All humans get the distorted thoughts popping into their mind. Its what we do with them that determines if we have less than the best mental healthy-ness in thought processes or whether we develope what resembles a mental illness or is one. The key is ability to recognise a distorted thought and then not to keep thinking about it but dismiss it. You actually do best to talk to yourself and tell yourself not to think on it because it isn't something you can prove 100% for sure. You can't be 75 0r 80% sure. The numbers sound good but if you were on trial for something you didn't do and you were convicted on only 75% feeling of the jury being sure, that wouldn't set right with you right? NOw we've talked about assumptions. It might be good to go over what is going on in the relationship and what his part is in it, the good the bad and the not so sure that might be causing problems for you. If you have other issues some you are sure of and others you are not so sure of that the boyfriend is part of, then that would be the next focus. I'll say why...because I worked on myself and became very healthy mental wise of such thoughts. However the person I was married to did not believe he was causing any problems. It takes two to tango is a phrase that means there can't be a one sided problem with a couple, the other will be doing something wrong too that adds to the situation and keeps it going. MY ex still has lots of issues. My kids see him more often than I do and from what I hear, he has not changed and still can not hold on to a relationship. There are things about him that have not been fixed, true mental illness and other mental related issues that a Psychologist told me was so after the ex reluctantly went for a few visits with me. He told the Dr. he still did not think he had any problems and was only going to make me happy in hopes I'd stay with him. No way.
So I know that there will be something he is doing or not doing that contribute to issues like this. He isn't perfect. If you want help with anything more, just post for everyone of if just to me, go to my column and write to me from there.

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So I've known this guy for 2 and a half years. At the time we met he was married, but we became best friends, talking every day on the phone and occasionally going out for dinner.

His marriage was a green card marriage and his "wife" was dating other people, but she was extremely jealous of my friendly relationship with her husband.

Of course in the process, I wound up falling for him. It just seemed like we had so much in common and I could feel the sparks. However, I knew it wasn't good for me or them and I wound up telling him one day that I couldn't keep talking to him and exited his life as kindly as I could.


Well then about a week ago (its been 8 months since we talked) I got a message from him telling me that he had just moved into his own place in what happens to be one of my favorite cities to visit. I confirmed this through a mutual friend and found out his wife was also living with somebody else in a different city.

We got to talking again and then we met up yesterday for dinner. I was trying to just keep things friendly, but he wound up admitting his feelings for me and told me that he had adored me since we met and he was jealous that I was dating other guys (in the past), but knew he couldn't do anything about it since he was also married. He told me that he felt like I was the one who got away and that he had missed me when we stopped talking and kept thinking about me.

I was of course totally swooned and we wound up going back to my place, where things got heavy, but I did decide against having sex with him because I was worried about his current status still being married.

During the night he told me he wanted to be with me and I want to be with him, but then in the morning he said he was concerned about what this meant for me. He told me that although his wife and him have already decided on getting a divorce that due to the green card papers he has to still wait 6-8 months before they can process it. He told me that he understands if I date other people until then, but that he still wants to see me.


Now I'm really confused and I don't know what to do. Six to eight months is a really long time, but I really have feelings for him. I've never met anybody else who has as much as we do in common or the same kind of chemistry and I've dated quite a few guys. I'm almost convinced that he's the one for me, but I also feel like anything could happen in that time period. His wife is already an extremely jealous person and she's threatened me before. I know her stance on things is that she should be able to date who she wants (she cheated on him all the time), but she's still weird about me seeing him even though they both know the marriage was just for citizenship.

I don't know whether all of this is just a "the grass is always greener on the other side" placebo for all of us or if this is real and just terrible timing.

Any advice helps.

I really know nothing of this but the thought occurred that perhaps there are lawyers who deal with information on how to go about a situation like this and be able to do so legally without any chance of him being deported to where he came from. It certainly would be better knowing if there was any chance rather than guessing at it and making a terrible mistake.
I know you wouldn't want to invest the time if it all comes to naught in the end and he must go back home to his country, no matter if you have feelings already or not. So seeing a lawyer may be a possible solution to knowing if there is a chance for him to get legal status and be able to marry you. If that can happen soon, then perhaps investing the time with him won't be such an iffy thing, knowing that the outcome can be a good one.

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We are both 18 and we've been dating for close to seven months. My boyfriend lives about 50 miles away. As I still am not licensed to drive, and without a vehicle, he has to do the driving when we see each other, unless I catch a ride with my siblings when they spend the weekend with our father, who lives in the same area.

My boyfriend is a pretty busy guy. He typically works full time, 8-12 hour shifts 5 days a week, and he just started classes at the local tech school a few days ago. I'm proud of him, all of this is fine. However, I rarely get to talk with him. We always text good morning and typically good night, and we chat just a little through the day, when he's got a chance to look at his phone, but we never have a real conversation. Sometimes I ask if I can call him (he's never called me,) and my question may go completely unanswered for the night, and he only responds (eventually) to whatever other thing I may have texted. All of his texts are usually vague i.e. "How was your day?" "Good, how was yours? :)" On occasion, he says "sure," and I do call him. Other times, I get brave and I call him without asking, and he's either with his friends getting ridiculously high, or still at work. This is always late at night around the time he gets off, because I don't know exactly when. If he answers and he's with his friends, I tell him I'll talk to him another time because I just want a one-on-one conversation, and his attention (and I feel bad interrupting "guy time.") I get the feeling maybe he doesn't like phone calls, and I've asked, but he very sincerely tells me that it's okay...

Like I said in the beginning, we see each other once a month. Because I ask to make plans with him. Only if I ask. He'll look at his schedule to see if he's got a couple free days, or see where he can request a couple off, and he's happy to come and see me or bring me back home with him for the time. After he brings me home, or he leaves my house, we go back to texting for another month, until I get so antsy about it, I ask to make plans again. The thing is, he does have days off without scheduling them, and I understand he's tired, he's very responsible compared to a lot of his friends, but unless I ask, all of his free time, after work or on his weekends, if his family doesnt have plans, is spent with his friends. He has never once tried to make the plans or tried to call me. I see him two days a month, once a month, and on rare occasion get a phone call in because I called and he happened to be home.

I feel hurt that I do all of this and he doesnt reciprocate. I'm going to try to say something about it, but I still don't understand why it's like this in the first place. We have a good relationship, we get along really well, and have never had a real disagreement. He is very affectionate and very caring, and has been since the first day I met him. Is this something that just communicating my feelings could fix, or is it likely that he is personally just not ready for a relationship yet? I don't know what to do, and my friend tells me that he needs to "put in more effort" and that I need to "quit making excuses for him," (I always say that "he's busy though," or "he needs his guy time." I get so anxious, ridiculously anxious, thinking that I must be doing something wrong, he doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to talk, I must be obsessive and annoying (I was a creepy girl when I was younger, and I've ruined my fair share of potential relationships, so I genuinely worry about this,) but he always genuinely reassures me that I'm fine, and he loves me.

I really don't know what's going on. Please help me. Thank you.

Hi dear,
My 2nd husband was in your shoes. I'll share shortly. But first, I need to ask if you have tried to put yourself in his shoes. If you worked more 10-12 hr days than 8 hr ones, and have started school, even part time, what time to yourself would you have left to shower, groom, dress, eat, run errands like groceries, take time to pay bills let alone have idle time to do what you want like hang with a special friend?
Of course, I am saying this with the assumption that he is still crazy about you. If due to not seeing you often enough, that the interest in you has gradually deteriorated, that is very common when there is no time for maintaining a relationship. A relationship can not survive on being together once a month. It can not survive with seeing each other even once a week. NOw take a solid relationship where the couple saw each other every day, and it was well established with the chance for love and trust to grow, Then one enters the military and is gone for long chunks of time. I know from within my own family how hard the time apart can be on both people. But at least, there is a background of a longer stable relationship in existence before that kind of separation. That gives a better chance for such relationships to last, even with little contact for months at a time. However a good many of these so call stable relationships and marriages do not last because of what I already shared, a relationship needs lots of relating to the other person on a daily basis. Many people can't handle that, its not enough for them.

You have for some reason only met once a month and only known of him for 7 months or maybe a few more. According to what I just shared, do you think that makes for a promising environment in which your relationship can grow?
Can he even consider it a real relationship? Women often will consider something a relationship where a guy does not. He may consider you a close friend with benefits, like romance even if not sex but not consider it a relationship because he needs it on a more consistant basis before he could consider it as such. If he does not consider it as a real relationship with any fighting chance, that may explain why he doesn't put any effort in if you cross out the explanation of no time.

Now, My 2nd husband and I met on line and within a week met in person but only on the weekend, Sunday only as He also worked Sat. mornings driving for Fed Ex and his weekdays were never 8 hrs. More like 9 and 10 and Nov Dec his hours jumped to 12 every day. This next part is important dear--pay attention.
~~~He had considered not looking for a mate because what time could her offer her but 830 pm til bedtime and that included his showering the daily dirt off and eating something. Then there would be Saturday to pay bills, do car maintanence, shopping or the miriad of household chores that need attending at least once a week. So all that was left of weekends was Sat. night and all day Sunday. He and I were older adults, divorced and with some life experience, so he knew that it was not enough time to give to a relationship, realistically with the situation that currently existed.~~~

We hit if off when we met. But due to his hours and little time at night, I was the one to do the 45 -50 minute drive to see him during the week. Within two weeks, we both were pretty sure we'd found the one we wanted to spend the rest of our life with. The only way he was going to be able to see me just evenings and weekends was for me to move in with him. I did. Of course, I had a job of my own and I drove so that is different than your scenerio. He wasn't going to work that job forever and so in the future, we had more time together beyond just living together.

With as busy as your guy is and the separation of distance (tho not that drastic) I do wonder how the two of you met? Like my husband, he may have been lonely and wanted someone special in his life so he may have made the effort to meet you somehow. Even though he thought it was a good idea at the time, it may be that now he realizes he just doesn't have any time for a relationship, even if he really does like you. (This is a logical thought process that I find more often in men than women as women get carried away by the attention and romance from a guy and forget to consider the practicallity or logistics of a situation.)
You did not state anything about yourself whether you are in school or working, or both. I assume you live with your family since you catch rides with siblings. That would mean local community college or a full time job or part time on both for most people.
Without knowing more details, the only solutions would be ones that you probably couldn't handle or wouldn't consider for what ever reason.

You learn to drive, save up for a car and start driving yourself over there. This is not an immediate solution. YOu'd have to practice and pass to get driver license. You'd also need to own your own car, even 2nd hand, a reliable one will cost a chunk of money. So you'd have to be working full time, no college and saving up to buy a car and that save up process can take a long time.

If you live near a major state route that will take you from your town to his, then you'd have to resort to using buses. However that is not practible either as bus schedules differ on weekends and stop at a certain time of night which might require him taking you back home and then his trip home cutting an 1 1/2 hr out of his tight schedule that he may not have.

If you are not in school and just working, you could look for a new job and land one in his town.
However, then you need to consider where you will live if lets say you still do not drive or have a car. If you had a car, you could still live with Mom and travel to the job and hope to see him before you head home weekdays. Or you could look for a one room to rent which is the cheapest way to go, or get a room mate in his town. Or if there is no reason Dad would be unsafe to live with, asking him if you could live with him and pay him to rent a bedroom. If he's remarried and the other woman already has a kid living with them, it may cramp things or not be possible. I don't know any of this since you didn't share.

And lastly, where ever the bf lives, you could move in with him if he were to agree to that.

None of these sound very easy or likely to me. HOwever that is both your decision and the bf's.
Even if he had his own place, asking him if you could move in with him, could freak him out if he's only seen you 7 times. Thats like once a day for a week and no matter how wonderful it makes you feel dear, that is not an established stable relationship no guy unless he's an emotionally needy one will agree to that. It's like moving in with a stranger commitment wise. Males like to be very sure before they commit to anything relationship wise and with a week of face to face time, it is extremely unrealistic for him or any male to commit to such a thing. I could be wrong but all the men I've ever known have been like that, having to be sure and take their time before getting to the point of committing to a relationship. A guy can call a gal his girlfriend, but that's the same as lady friend, female friend and does not necessarily mean 'the girl I am dating because so far, because she seems to be the one I think I might be able to commit to as soon as we've spent more time together and gotten to know each other in depth.'

It also has nothing to do with who you used to be, who you are now or ways you may be turning guys off. No matter what eccentricities, there is always someone for somebody. Its a matter of finding the guy who likes you as you are without wanting to change you and doesn't just love you skin deep but is in love with your character and personality and your soul.

I might add that at 18 or even if he's a couple years older, many guys are not ready to even start thinking about a commitment to a gal. He may enjoying dating without commitment until he is ready. There is also dating for couples who have committed to each other. This stage is followed by engagement and marriage of the two still are crazy about each other. YOur guy may not be anywhere near that stage and it's not until a guy reaches that stage that he won't be able to let time go by without hearing your voice, contacting you when apart and doing everything in his power to be with you.
Another thing about guys is that they can juggle the priorities in their life well. Usually those are job, school, his parents and siblings(family) his buddies, any organization or sports team he is on, other misc. and of course a girlfriend or wife. His priorities may be more than 3 but if a gal is very important and he is in love with her, she will be one of his top 3 priorities. School and job are the most likely other two. If you don't make number three, then its either that there is no time yet for you, or he hasn't fallen in love yet or you are not all that important to him as you think you are. Sorry for that but this last bit about priorities, I got from a you tube male who shares with women how to understand men and quite frankly I have to admit it makes a lot of sense to me. But then, I am a bit more logical in thinking like men than females.

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Hello, my boyfriend said you’re special. Asked him what’d he meant? He said you’re definitely special. I said oh ok I know, thank you. Any hidden meaning?

If you asked and he couldn't do anything but repeat what he'd said, He may be the type of person who has trouble expressing things in detail or explaining in other words what he meant by it.

When I say something or someone is special, to me it means it/he/she stands out over other choices, and I like it enough to try to make sure I get more of it/he/she.
Perhaps he simply meant he likes you. A good way to get an answer from him that you can understand would be to paraphrase what he said. Paraphrase means to
reword or rephrase what you heard using different words, especially to achieve greater clarity.

So lets say he said "You're special" and you replied with "Does that mean Special as in you enjoy spending time with me?" He then could say yes and you have your answer. If he says No, and doesn't elaborate by rephrasing his own words, then try a different definition, whatever comes to you... or "Okay, so does that mean you like me as a friend or would that be as a possible girlfriend?" When you rephrase a compliment he feels he paid you, there's always the chance he might answer with a question of his own like 'Are you fishing for compliments." Either explain that you simply want to know exactly what he meant by special or you could reply with another question without really answering like " What do you think I was doing?" If he evades again, says nothing or shrugs his shoulders, most likely he may not be in touch with his feelings or thoughts on the matter or just spoke the words he thought girls like to hear without being able to really claim he feels that way. Or he could be afraid of sharing any more of his feelings and saying your special was already a step of more bravery than he could probably handle.

Not totally related to understanding what a guy means by what he says, but I would like to share something important that females need to know. Yes, the words are important to hear but it is more important to gauge how a guy feels about you by how he treats you. If a guy really cares and his feeling for a gal continue to grow, even if he's the quiet type, not very verbal, too shy, he will still do things that are thoughtful and supportive of you. For lots of men, their actions speak much louder than words.
My ex could say he loved me but he treated me like crap which in effect cancelled out the words he said. Don't overthink what a guy says as your thoughts most likely will be to interpret a guys words into what you want to hear, not really what he meant. Best is to ask as you did and if you get a non-reply then rephrase back to him with different words asking if thats what he meant. A guy who hears a gal misinterpreting what he says is probably not going to let her go on believing something that he did not mean. Also, a guy doesnt like to feel pressured so if you are fishing for the words of him asking you to be his girlfriend, guys don't always jump into a relationship and commit until they are pretty sure and the only way they can be is to spend time with you. If they choose to spend lots of time with you, he may be still in the stage of trying to figure out if he's found the gal he really wants to date or not, even if you may already consider him a boyfriend.


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You may remember me as the depressed 15 year old with crippling insecurities and a huge crush on a girl. Let me update you on my life so far...

I've been seeing a school phsyciatrist and there's going to be some intervention over my father's drinking habits. He will be going to that "Alcoholics Anonymous" group or whatever its called.

I asked her out to lunch, just the two of us. While it's not exactly a date, it's a start. And she said yes. My father told me if that girl likes me back she's deaf and blind, and when I described her as smart he said then she definetly doesn't like me back, but whatever.

I know some common interests we have, and I know some of her interests. This gives a pretty good foundation for an actual conversation. I wanna know how you start a conversation with a girl, how exactly you talk to a girl as oppose to talking to a guy (I know you have to be nicer and stuff but I don't have any sisters or anything so I have no clue) and how you learn more about someone without sounding creepy?

Yes, I remember you. Glad to hear you're in touch with a school psychiatrist and that Dad is going to AA meetings. My husband went as support for a friend and what they teach there will hopefully help your Dad become more positive. Right now, whether he knows he does it or not, deep inside, a part of him is so miserable and unhappy and negative. He doesn't want to see anyone as happier than him so by saying such negative things to you when you mentioned the girl, is his way to try to bring you down to his level. Don't fall for it. Whenever you need a positive adult to talk to, get on here or seek a positive adult to be like your mentor.

If the girl is with a friend as you approach, just listen to what they are talking about first. For example if they are talking about going to a movie you've already seen, you can say, 'Hey I don't mean to butt in but I heard you talking about the movie. I've seen it and "then give your opinion of good or bad" Then you can ask what her favorite type of movie is, and so on.

You had no problem asking her to lunch. But I bet you want to know what to say at lunch or next time you see her. The easiest way is to ask her to tell you about herself. And then give her some ideas like 'are you an only child or do you have siblings? What are her favorite hobbies?
Remember that if all you do is ask something and let the other person talk about themself, they'll think you are a wonderful conversationalist. It's true. Of course you don't want it to feel creepy or strange to her. If you ask questions like police interrogating a person, that can feel creepy. The difference is asking, letting them answer and really listening to get a cue from something she said to mention something similar yourself. If you are also sharing things about yourself instead of doing all the questioning, then its not strange. SO here's an example so you understand how I do it. Lets say you ask her about siblings and she mentions them and where she falls in the lineup such as the middle child, the oldest or youngest. If she happens to be the same as you meaning both the oldest child, you now have something you can relate on in convo's. You can then say, I'm the oldest child in my family too. Did your parents expect more from you than they ever did from the younger siblings? Then explain with stories. I was always the babysitter and in charge when the parents went out, even when the next sibling reached the age at which I started watching them. I had to say something to get the parents to realize that and then I had free time to go do stuff with friends. IF listening, she might then share a story of her own of experiences as the oldest. Or she might be more curious and just ask you then what kind of things do you like to do with your friends, picking up on when you mentioned freedom to go do stuff with friends. If you can not think of anything they mentioned to change the subject to talk about the next thing, then ask another question. You can always ask her, 'What would you like to know about me?" That is a question a man asked me on the phone, a person I met in online dating. We had been talking during the week, waiting for the weekend when we could meet in person. He is now my 2nd husband. He had shared so much stuff already that I couldn't think of the usual stuff so I asked "Do you believe UFO's exist? He went deadly quiet and didn't answer. It made me think I shouldn't have asked that, thinking he didn't believe but didn't want to hurt my feelings early on and mess up his chance with me. When we met in person, I asked why he hadn't answered. He said it was because he actually did beleive and had so much to share that might not match what others have heard and he didn't want me to think he was a nutcase.
So if you ever mention something or she does that comes off strange that way, best thing is to not let the silence bother you. JUst say, let me share a few details of what I am talking about. For example, with the UFO thing, I told him that I personally believed God didn't stop with just our planet but made others with other mortal bodies, just different to our human bodies but that most likely they had souls too, just like we do so they are like distant cousins. When I made my statement, putting myself out there first, then it gave him an idea of where my mind was at with the subject and he felt more comfortable sharing what he believed. I know young people are so afraid of what others think of them and want to be liked so it's even scarier for them. But beleive me, it was scary for us as older adults for a little while too. Don't put down any of her beleifs or favorite anythings. LIke if she only likes spicy foods, you don't tell her thats too rough on the stomach and she probably shouldn't eat it that much. You could say that you don't eat it cus you have a sensitive stomach.
I think guys worry that a girl will only want to talk about girlie stuff he has no interest or knowledge on, like chick flicks, the hottest new clothes at HOt Topic or about getting nails done, etc. They have their girlfriends for that. I know when I talk to men, I like to learn something about them or something new. I saw a guy always studying when I was at Starbucks. When I asked him what he was studying if he didn't mind my asking, he explained he was changing vocation later in life and wanting to work on a boat and he had to pass certain tests and have a certain amount of specific knowledge before he could go for a job.

Same with the girl. Ask her about something she does, maybe she's in a club at school, something you are not personally interested in. Thats okay, I wasn't interested in boating or the details of what went into getting a job on a boat. But it helps the person to open up about them selves if they are sharing about something that is interesting to them. Even married couples have their different interests, and taste in music or type of humor but one can be supportive by gaining such knowledge. My husband learned early on I like to collect anything to do with dragonflies, and thus I also choose that for my name on here. When he wanted to give me a little gift, often it had something to do with dragonflies like a mug with a dragonfly on it, socks with dragonflies on them, a calendar of butterflies and dragonflies, etc.

Sometimes, its okay to have nothing to say and just be walking together and not saying anything. Most people get antsy when its quiet too long. If that happens, you can always admit, I can't think of anything to say or ask right now, but I am still enjoying your company. So don't worry, I haven't lost interest in talking to you. It's admitting what is happening, not letting her wonder why you are so quiet all of a sudden and she's more likely to also reveal things like that to you too, knowing she can trust you, that you won't ridicule her because you also shared something that required having blind trust in her as well. That's what I've done since I got out of HS until today. And it always works well.
Also find things to compliment her on. Maybe she looks better in cool colors than hot ones like red and yellow. So wait until she wears something blue or green and then tell her how good that color looks on her. Don't make up a compliment you don't honestly feel or believe, it has to be truthful. Maybe she's got a nice laugh. Next time she laughs, you can say you like how she's always so happy and laughs often and she has a very nice laugh. I know guys like to get a girl to laugh and how rewarding it feels but you don't have to be a comedian. JUst share honestly and if she finds something you say to be funny she'll laugh. My mind has gone blank and I can't think of any other scenerio, so if you think of something specific, a 'what if this happens' situation, then just ask me and I'll see if I've got something to share. Good luck and don't listen to what Dad says. I am proud of you. YOu will do okay

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Wha does it mean when a boyfriend of months says, “you deserve better than me, as I’m terribly sad that I can’t correspond to you the way you want me to so and you’re a nice girl and deserve better than me.” We’re still together as we love each other but what’s he saying? Is that the way of him saying he wants out? Not sure. Thank you all.

Boyfriend of the month? I haven't heard that said before. Does this mean you are forever being dumped after a short time dating? Are you sometimes the one who feels the guy isn't right for you and breaks it off? Kinda hard to say anything not knowing which it is. I do understand 'you deserve better than me' as those are words of regret that a person can't be exactly what their partner wants. If taken just at face value there, it could mean that you keep choosing the wrong guys to date. Not wrong as in bad vs good but wrong as in the differences that make up each unique personality. It's not a matter for some people of not knowing better and just choosing to do the right thing in the relationship once you explain whats wrong but in most cases, a couple is simply mismatched in friendship, maybe in sexual matters too, like not having the same libido, want,, desire where one likes it a lot and the other is happy with twice a month. Neither is wrong but both must be the same or there will be trouble and break ups because of severe differences. So you need to decide what is a deal breaker and what is simply a desire. I am focusing on you but hon, the same goes for him too.

Is corresponding the only issue? Without details, I can only let the imagination run and figure that this is an LDR and those relationships are more like a fax or facisimile of the real thing. It isn't real until you bring it into the present and meet and have a face to face relationship. Only then you can do both your best, to work things out and if no compromises can be made, you break up.

The only other correspondance issues I know involving texting. The female may text too often and he doesn't like to answer or be bothered with the cell beeping every hour. Men have priorities in their life and as long as you are one of lets say the top 3, that means he is juggling other things important to him too. Some females don't get this. Some guys hate typing and are bad at it so they simply don't do it so you hear less from them by text. In this case, I recommend going back to the old way its done, talking on the phone, or better yet, in person face to face where you get to see their expressions.
Another issue might be not having the same things in common to talk about. Either both decide to pay the other attention when they need to talk about a subject, even if you aren't personally interested in it or don't even begin to try because you're with the wrong person. My husbands humor is different than mine and so is his taste in music. So we use earbuds and listen to our own favorites. If he sees something on the net that has him laughing hysterically he'll ask me to come see it so I can laugh too. He does get it right sometimes and its my style of humor but most times, I don't even get it. But I will smile and make a comment like "It's so good to hear you laugh that hard, but I am not laughing because it's I don't find it funny. But I can see how others might find it funny." I am supportive but reinforce what does and doesn't appeal to me and his feelings are not hurt and he will continue to share things like that with me. These are my best guesses as to what to say without you giving more detail. I may be totally off dear. So if you want better advice, you'd have to explain
boyfriend of the month, and what you mean by that, maybe dating experiences of the past if they all end up the same with same problems. It could be the guy, or you or both of you. It would help to know the type of relationship, face to face and local, LDR and never met, LDR but you meet face to face when both have free time off. What you mean by 'We're still together' as in you still talk, or still meet, or still live together or still dating or still a couple who made a commitment to each other. I can't read his mind to answer if this is his way of saying he wants out or that he wants to remain with you but is very aware of the things that he isn't and how you want something he isn't so he may be saying he'll just always worry that you might leave him for someone who is more what you really want if you ever meet that guy in the future. Best way to find out if he simply wants out is to ask him and have a discussion, I can't even tell you what to discuss or how to go about it as I dont know what the issues are, of what he sees as you needing 'better'.

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My wife came to me with a request that's really worrying to me. She wants to have another guy join us for sex. We are in our late thirties and have been married since we were twenty. I am the only guy she's been with sexually. Apparently she got the idea from one of her friends who has done this. She already has a guy picked out from an adult dating site. She hasn't contacted him yet. She tells me she wants to see what it feels like to be with someone else. She still loves me and doesn't want to do anything beginning my back. She was in tears when she told me this so I believe her. I agreed to do it but I really don't want to. I'm afraid if I don't she will do it alone as this friend of hers would tell her to and she is very persuasive. It all really makes me sick. I looked at the guys photo and he is substantially more well endowed than I am. My wife promises me it will only just be one time but I'm worried she will want to keep doing it. I just don't know if I can handle seeing my wife with another guys dick in her mouth or vagina out even his mouth on it. Advice please.

I have a background of experience here in having gone to swing clubs with my ex whom I was married to at the time. Don't worry, it wasn't the swinging that broke up. He got worse and worse in mental illness and refused to get professional help.

So there is swapping and threesomes. In both cases, the majority of partners could not handle seeing their mate with someone else. There were very few people who could so don't worry you are no different.
What I can say is that in three somes, it can sometimes be that the 3rd person is female if the wife was bi sexual. However for a 3 some with another male, that would mean both males working on the female at the same time.
When two are committed to each other in marriage and want to try something different, it MUST be fair and able to go both ways. So ask her: if I wanted you and another female to work on me at the same time, would you be okay with that?
What she is curious about however is not having two men at the same time. She simply wants to know what another feels like, which must mean that you were her first and only.
SHe has done the right thing in coming to talk to you. When couples have an open marriage or one or both are thinking of trying another person, the most important thing is to not do anything behind the others back. I did a personal survey in the club out of curiosity and asked couples who was the one who first came up with the idea. Surprisingly, in about 75, 80% of couples, it was the female. There were also mini classes held to teach you a little bit of what works best for couples. The fact that you are not okay with it, means she would have to give up her idea of just doing it. If you do not give your okay on it and she does it behind your back, then that is cheating, no matter that she asked and you turned it down. My ex asked me first and I said no because initially I had that knee jerk reaction out of shock. Once I entertained the idea for a while and spoke to people on line who were swinging couples and learning ahead of the pitfalls to avoid and setting boundaries together, I decided to give it a try. Funny thing is, I had fun and enjoyed it, while my husband who was curious and wanted to experience it to begin with, did not do so well. I understand you agreed but you can change your mind anytime before it actually happens. You didn't mention having any kids. Even if not, it is best that you get a hotel room so the other guy doesn't know where you live in case he turns out to be weird. If you do not want to watch, thats how most men and women are, its a private thing and they don't want to watch cus they don't get a kick out of watching. Thats most people who do this. So what you could do is be in the hotel room if it has a separate bedroom. This is for her safety, not for you to watch. You won't want to hear it either but you might have to, in case she calls for help. Every once in a while, at the club, a guy who was a real jerk attended. Condoms were provided. But I heard one women say that they were alone with no one near enough to stop him and when she insisted on condoms, he didn't use one and forced her to have sex without. You do not want to introduce a sexual disease into your marriage and its way easier than you think because something like herpes can be passed even if there is no visible signs of outbreak. The rule when not being with your partner and a safe known quantity, is that 'No, means no' so even if a female first says yes but gets scared or changes her mind to no, the guy must honor that. If she is not the type to yell No,no no when coming, then there should be no confusion if you hear that. Of course this is all based on whether you decide to still allow it. She shouldn't be going into this simply because of curiousity. I've heard of bi curious women who try other women simply for the curiousity, not because they are attracted to both sexes.
One has to have the mind set that another person is not better, just different. Those two words were stressed a lot in presentations to new people attending club. You signed an agreement to follow all rules and not reveal names of more famous people who attended like a police chief or the mayor and his wife. So if going thru with it, don't do anything until you have both discussed in detail the rules and boundaries you set. I know of plenty couples where mates were swapped but they were somewhere in a room with 2 beds so each could see their partner and be ready to help out if the other is not comfortable. In fact, most couples doing something like this had a safe word. A way to communicate to their spouse that they want to back out in the middle of it. The easiest is, "I am developing a headache or migraine and just want to go home and sleep it off." Whenever one of us said that, the mate would stop and say sorry and we get dressed and go home.
So have many women been impressed by the size of the man and leave a husband for the other? I have seen plenty of men nude and can tell you that the average size is 5,6 and up to 7 inches. Only heard of one guy who was way shorter like 3 inches, cus his wife told me. There are a few guys who are longer but not many, its not like the guys in porno's with extra long length. Thats all for show and goes to waste. See, most women all have an average length of vagina too.

The truth is the average vagina is 3-4 inches long when relaxed. The vagina can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused. This means that she really needs to be aroused enough for her uterus to change position moving upward and stretching the vagina to make more room for the average to above average length. I knew of one woman who wasn't very elastic, never had kids and couldn't take beyond a certain circumference. So if a man hurries it, it can be painful in that the penis hits the cervix, that knobby feature at the end of the vagina that feels like the tip of a nose.
Only once did I have a guy way longer than average and even with the cervix pulled up and everything stretched out to maximum, I could not fix him, so the penis would go to one side or the other of the cervix to get in further and that was painful. What happens is it hits nerve ending in that tissue and made it feel like charlie horse cramps down my legs. We tried other positions and there was only one that helped so I gave that guy up. Bigger is not necessarily fun. I also witnessed couples swapping where the wife did not have sex with the other guy, because she was not interested in extra sex but getting something she didn't have with hubby, an occasional male listening ear. Just wanting to talk with another male.
If doing this, you might want to have another rule, that if she finds she is starting to want to spend more time with the other guy, before she gets to the point of having strong feelings, then she must tell her partner and they both agree to stop seeing the other guy, gal or couple for sex. That happened to us 3 times. Couples who saw us often enough at the club and either the husband became jealous of the other guy or her of the other woman. I had one guy at a house party tell me I couldn't sit next to him because his wife got jealous. All we were doing is sitting, still fully clothed and he had his arm around my shoulders. And she could not handle it. So have the wife try to picture you having sex and making sounds with the other woman you never did with her and would she feel jealous? If she admits she probably would, then tell her you know you'd feel the same and that is why you changed your mind and are saying no. By the way, it's not uncommon to make totally different sounds with different partners. I can't say why but I know it to be true for me and know a few other women who would admit the same to me. Even as far as what the two do together can differ. If ones married partner doesn't like oral sex, perhaps the other sex partner does. This really is just about the sex, not falling in love with the whole personality of someone else to replace you.
However there is something called Polyamory where couples have their core relationship, and if married thats your mate. And each has someone outside the marriage that they love because of their personality and also love the sex but the focus is more on the relationship. Afterall, even married couples can't have relations around the clock, as we have other duties, jobs, children, etc. If you find you need to talk to me again with anything specific that comes up, just write to me from my column.

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