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Follow up question
You may remember me as the depressed 15 year old with crippling insecurities and a huge crush on a girl. Let me update you on my life so far...
I've been seeing a school phsyciatrist and there's going to be some intervention over my father's drinking habits. He will be going to that "Alcoholics Anonymous" group or whatever its called.
I asked her out to lunch, just the two of us. While it's not exactly a date, it's a start. And she said yes. My father told me if that girl likes me back she's deaf and blind, and when I described her as smart he said then she definetly doesn't like me back, but whatever.
I know some common interests we have, and I know some of her interests. This gives a pretty good foundation for an actual conversation. I wanna know how you start a conversation with a girl, how exactly you talk to a girl as oppose to talking to a guy (I know you have to be nicer and stuff but I don't have any sisters or anything so I have no clue) and how you learn more about someone without sounding creepy?
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Yes, I remember you. Glad to hear you're in touch with a school psychiatrist and that Dad is going to AA meetings. My husband went as support for a friend and what they teach there will hopefully help your Dad become more positive. Right now, whether he knows he does it or not, deep inside, a part of him is so miserable and unhappy and negative. He doesn't want to see anyone as happier than him so by saying such negative things to you when you mentioned the girl, is his way to try to bring you down to his level. Don't fall for it. Whenever you need a positive adult to talk to, get on here or seek a positive adult to be like your mentor.
If the girl is with a friend as you approach, just listen to what they are talking about first. For example if they are talking about going to a movie you've already seen, you can say, 'Hey I don't mean to butt in but I heard you talking about the movie. I've seen it and "then give your opinion of good or bad" Then you can ask what her favorite type of movie is, and so on.
You had no problem asking her to lunch. But I bet you want to know what to say at lunch or next time you see her. The easiest way is to ask her to tell you about herself. And then give her some ideas like 'are you an only child or do you have siblings? What are her favorite hobbies?
Remember that if all you do is ask something and let the other person talk about themself, they'll think you are a wonderful conversationalist. It's true. Of course you don't want it to feel creepy or strange to her. If you ask questions like police interrogating a person, that can feel creepy. The difference is asking, letting them answer and really listening to get a cue from something she said to mention something similar yourself. If you are also sharing things about yourself instead of doing all the questioning, then its not strange. SO here's an example so you understand how I do it. Lets say you ask her about siblings and she mentions them and where she falls in the lineup such as the middle child, the oldest or youngest. If she happens to be the same as you meaning both the oldest child, you now have something you can relate on in convo's. You can then say, I'm the oldest child in my family too. Did your parents expect more from you than they ever did from the younger siblings? Then explain with stories. I was always the babysitter and in charge when the parents went out, even when the next sibling reached the age at which I started watching them. I had to say something to get the parents to realize that and then I had free time to go do stuff with friends. IF listening, she might then share a story of her own of experiences as the oldest. Or she might be more curious and just ask you then what kind of things do you like to do with your friends, picking up on when you mentioned freedom to go do stuff with friends. If you can not think of anything they mentioned to change the subject to talk about the next thing, then ask another question. You can always ask her, 'What would you like to know about me?" That is a question a man asked me on the phone, a person I met in online dating. We had been talking during the week, waiting for the weekend when we could meet in person. He is now my 2nd husband. He had shared so much stuff already that I couldn't think of the usual stuff so I asked "Do you believe UFO's exist? He went deadly quiet and didn't answer. It made me think I shouldn't have asked that, thinking he didn't believe but didn't want to hurt my feelings early on and mess up his chance with me. When we met in person, I asked why he hadn't answered. He said it was because he actually did beleive and had so much to share that might not match what others have heard and he didn't want me to think he was a nutcase.
So if you ever mention something or she does that comes off strange that way, best thing is to not let the silence bother you. JUst say, let me share a few details of what I am talking about. For example, with the UFO thing, I told him that I personally believed God didn't stop with just our planet but made others with other mortal bodies, just different to our human bodies but that most likely they had souls too, just like we do so they are like distant cousins. When I made my statement, putting myself out there first, then it gave him an idea of where my mind was at with the subject and he felt more comfortable sharing what he believed. I know young people are so afraid of what others think of them and want to be liked so it's even scarier for them. But beleive me, it was scary for us as older adults for a little while too. Don't put down any of her beleifs or favorite anythings. LIke if she only likes spicy foods, you don't tell her thats too rough on the stomach and she probably shouldn't eat it that much. You could say that you don't eat it cus you have a sensitive stomach.
I think guys worry that a girl will only want to talk about girlie stuff he has no interest or knowledge on, like chick flicks, the hottest new clothes at HOt Topic or about getting nails done, etc. They have their girlfriends for that. I know when I talk to men, I like to learn something about them or something new. I saw a guy always studying when I was at Starbucks. When I asked him what he was studying if he didn't mind my asking, he explained he was changing vocation later in life and wanting to work on a boat and he had to pass certain tests and have a certain amount of specific knowledge before he could go for a job.
Same with the girl. Ask her about something she does, maybe she's in a club at school, something you are not personally interested in. Thats okay, I wasn't interested in boating or the details of what went into getting a job on a boat. But it helps the person to open up about them selves if they are sharing about something that is interesting to them. Even married couples have their different interests, and taste in music or type of humor but one can be supportive by gaining such knowledge. My husband learned early on I like to collect anything to do with dragonflies, and thus I also choose that for my name on here. When he wanted to give me a little gift, often it had something to do with dragonflies like a mug with a dragonfly on it, socks with dragonflies on them, a calendar of butterflies and dragonflies, etc.
Sometimes, its okay to have nothing to say and just be walking together and not saying anything. Most people get antsy when its quiet too long. If that happens, you can always admit, I can't think of anything to say or ask right now, but I am still enjoying your company. So don't worry, I haven't lost interest in talking to you. It's admitting what is happening, not letting her wonder why you are so quiet all of a sudden and she's more likely to also reveal things like that to you too, knowing she can trust you, that you won't ridicule her because you also shared something that required having blind trust in her as well. That's what I've done since I got out of HS until today. And it always works well.
Also find things to compliment her on. Maybe she looks better in cool colors than hot ones like red and yellow. So wait until she wears something blue or green and then tell her how good that color looks on her. Don't make up a compliment you don't honestly feel or believe, it has to be truthful. Maybe she's got a nice laugh. Next time she laughs, you can say you like how she's always so happy and laughs often and she has a very nice laugh. I know guys like to get a girl to laugh and how rewarding it feels but you don't have to be a comedian. JUst share honestly and if she finds something you say to be funny she'll laugh. My mind has gone blank and I can't think of any other scenerio, so if you think of something specific, a 'what if this happens' situation, then just ask me and I'll see if I've got something to share. Good luck and don't listen to what Dad says. I am proud of you. YOu will do okay
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