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I see my boyfriend once a month
We are both 18 and we've been dating for close to seven months. My boyfriend lives about 50 miles away. As I still am not licensed to drive, and without a vehicle, he has to do the driving when we see each other, unless I catch a ride with my siblings when they spend the weekend with our father, who lives in the same area.
My boyfriend is a pretty busy guy. He typically works full time, 8-12 hour shifts 5 days a week, and he just started classes at the local tech school a few days ago. I'm proud of him, all of this is fine. However, I rarely get to talk with him. We always text good morning and typically good night, and we chat just a little through the day, when he's got a chance to look at his phone, but we never have a real conversation. Sometimes I ask if I can call him (he's never called me,) and my question may go completely unanswered for the night, and he only responds (eventually) to whatever other thing I may have texted. All of his texts are usually vague i.e. "How was your day?" "Good, how was yours? :)" On occasion, he says "sure," and I do call him. Other times, I get brave and I call him without asking, and he's either with his friends getting ridiculously high, or still at work. This is always late at night around the time he gets off, because I don't know exactly when. If he answers and he's with his friends, I tell him I'll talk to him another time because I just want a one-on-one conversation, and his attention (and I feel bad interrupting "guy time.") I get the feeling maybe he doesn't like phone calls, and I've asked, but he very sincerely tells me that it's okay...
Like I said in the beginning, we see each other once a month. Because I ask to make plans with him. Only if I ask. He'll look at his schedule to see if he's got a couple free days, or see where he can request a couple off, and he's happy to come and see me or bring me back home with him for the time. After he brings me home, or he leaves my house, we go back to texting for another month, until I get so antsy about it, I ask to make plans again. The thing is, he does have days off without scheduling them, and I understand he's tired, he's very responsible compared to a lot of his friends, but unless I ask, all of his free time, after work or on his weekends, if his family doesnt have plans, is spent with his friends. He has never once tried to make the plans or tried to call me. I see him two days a month, once a month, and on rare occasion get a phone call in because I called and he happened to be home.
I feel hurt that I do all of this and he doesnt reciprocate. I'm going to try to say something about it, but I still don't understand why it's like this in the first place. We have a good relationship, we get along really well, and have never had a real disagreement. He is very affectionate and very caring, and has been since the first day I met him. Is this something that just communicating my feelings could fix, or is it likely that he is personally just not ready for a relationship yet? I don't know what to do, and my friend tells me that he needs to "put in more effort" and that I need to "quit making excuses for him," (I always say that "he's busy though," or "he needs his guy time." I get so anxious, ridiculously anxious, thinking that I must be doing something wrong, he doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to talk, I must be obsessive and annoying (I was a creepy girl when I was younger, and I've ruined my fair share of potential relationships, so I genuinely worry about this,) but he always genuinely reassures me that I'm fine, and he loves me.
I really don't know what's going on. Please help me. Thank you.
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Hi dear,
My 2nd husband was in your shoes. I'll share shortly. But first, I need to ask if you have tried to put yourself in his shoes. If you worked more 10-12 hr days than 8 hr ones, and have started school, even part time, what time to yourself would you have left to shower, groom, dress, eat, run errands like groceries, take time to pay bills let alone have idle time to do what you want like hang with a special friend?
Of course, I am saying this with the assumption that he is still crazy about you. If due to not seeing you often enough, that the interest in you has gradually deteriorated, that is very common when there is no time for maintaining a relationship. A relationship can not survive on being together once a month. It can not survive with seeing each other even once a week. NOw take a solid relationship where the couple saw each other every day, and it was well established with the chance for love and trust to grow, Then one enters the military and is gone for long chunks of time. I know from within my own family how hard the time apart can be on both people. But at least, there is a background of a longer stable relationship in existence before that kind of separation. That gives a better chance for such relationships to last, even with little contact for months at a time. However a good many of these so call stable relationships and marriages do not last because of what I already shared, a relationship needs lots of relating to the other person on a daily basis. Many people can't handle that, its not enough for them.
You have for some reason only met once a month and only known of him for 7 months or maybe a few more. According to what I just shared, do you think that makes for a promising environment in which your relationship can grow?
Can he even consider it a real relationship? Women often will consider something a relationship where a guy does not. He may consider you a close friend with benefits, like romance even if not sex but not consider it a relationship because he needs it on a more consistant basis before he could consider it as such. If he does not consider it as a real relationship with any fighting chance, that may explain why he doesn't put any effort in if you cross out the explanation of no time.
Now, My 2nd husband and I met on line and within a week met in person but only on the weekend, Sunday only as He also worked Sat. mornings driving for Fed Ex and his weekdays were never 8 hrs. More like 9 and 10 and Nov Dec his hours jumped to 12 every day. This next part is important dear--pay attention.
~~~He had considered not looking for a mate because what time could her offer her but 830 pm til bedtime and that included his showering the daily dirt off and eating something. Then there would be Saturday to pay bills, do car maintanence, shopping or the miriad of household chores that need attending at least once a week. So all that was left of weekends was Sat. night and all day Sunday. He and I were older adults, divorced and with some life experience, so he knew that it was not enough time to give to a relationship, realistically with the situation that currently existed.~~~
We hit if off when we met. But due to his hours and little time at night, I was the one to do the 45 -50 minute drive to see him during the week. Within two weeks, we both were pretty sure we'd found the one we wanted to spend the rest of our life with. The only way he was going to be able to see me just evenings and weekends was for me to move in with him. I did. Of course, I had a job of my own and I drove so that is different than your scenerio. He wasn't going to work that job forever and so in the future, we had more time together beyond just living together.
With as busy as your guy is and the separation of distance (tho not that drastic) I do wonder how the two of you met? Like my husband, he may have been lonely and wanted someone special in his life so he may have made the effort to meet you somehow. Even though he thought it was a good idea at the time, it may be that now he realizes he just doesn't have any time for a relationship, even if he really does like you. (This is a logical thought process that I find more often in men than women as women get carried away by the attention and romance from a guy and forget to consider the practicallity or logistics of a situation.)
You did not state anything about yourself whether you are in school or working, or both. I assume you live with your family since you catch rides with siblings. That would mean local community college or a full time job or part time on both for most people.
Without knowing more details, the only solutions would be ones that you probably couldn't handle or wouldn't consider for what ever reason.
You learn to drive, save up for a car and start driving yourself over there. This is not an immediate solution. YOu'd have to practice and pass to get driver license. You'd also need to own your own car, even 2nd hand, a reliable one will cost a chunk of money. So you'd have to be working full time, no college and saving up to buy a car and that save up process can take a long time.
If you live near a major state route that will take you from your town to his, then you'd have to resort to using buses. However that is not practible either as bus schedules differ on weekends and stop at a certain time of night which might require him taking you back home and then his trip home cutting an 1 1/2 hr out of his tight schedule that he may not have.
If you are not in school and just working, you could look for a new job and land one in his town.
However, then you need to consider where you will live if lets say you still do not drive or have a car. If you had a car, you could still live with Mom and travel to the job and hope to see him before you head home weekdays. Or you could look for a one room to rent which is the cheapest way to go, or get a room mate in his town. Or if there is no reason Dad would be unsafe to live with, asking him if you could live with him and pay him to rent a bedroom. If he's remarried and the other woman already has a kid living with them, it may cramp things or not be possible. I don't know any of this since you didn't share.
And lastly, where ever the bf lives, you could move in with him if he were to agree to that.
None of these sound very easy or likely to me. HOwever that is both your decision and the bf's.
Even if he had his own place, asking him if you could move in with him, could freak him out if he's only seen you 7 times. Thats like once a day for a week and no matter how wonderful it makes you feel dear, that is not an established stable relationship no guy unless he's an emotionally needy one will agree to that. It's like moving in with a stranger commitment wise. Males like to be very sure before they commit to anything relationship wise and with a week of face to face time, it is extremely unrealistic for him or any male to commit to such a thing. I could be wrong but all the men I've ever known have been like that, having to be sure and take their time before getting to the point of committing to a relationship. A guy can call a gal his girlfriend, but that's the same as lady friend, female friend and does not necessarily mean 'the girl I am dating because so far, because she seems to be the one I think I might be able to commit to as soon as we've spent more time together and gotten to know each other in depth.'
It also has nothing to do with who you used to be, who you are now or ways you may be turning guys off. No matter what eccentricities, there is always someone for somebody. Its a matter of finding the guy who likes you as you are without wanting to change you and doesn't just love you skin deep but is in love with your character and personality and your soul.
I might add that at 18 or even if he's a couple years older, many guys are not ready to even start thinking about a commitment to a gal. He may enjoying dating without commitment until he is ready. There is also dating for couples who have committed to each other. This stage is followed by engagement and marriage of the two still are crazy about each other. YOur guy may not be anywhere near that stage and it's not until a guy reaches that stage that he won't be able to let time go by without hearing your voice, contacting you when apart and doing everything in his power to be with you.
Another thing about guys is that they can juggle the priorities in their life well. Usually those are job, school, his parents and siblings(family) his buddies, any organization or sports team he is on, other misc. and of course a girlfriend or wife. His priorities may be more than 3 but if a gal is very important and he is in love with her, she will be one of his top 3 priorities. School and job are the most likely other two. If you don't make number three, then its either that there is no time yet for you, or he hasn't fallen in love yet or you are not all that important to him as you think you are. Sorry for that but this last bit about priorities, I got from a you tube male who shares with women how to understand men and quite frankly I have to admit it makes a lot of sense to me. But then, I am a bit more logical in thinking like men than females.
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