about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I am in love with someone who I know loves me but has too much pride to admit it. What and how long should I wait?

What makes you think it is pride at fault. Couldn't it be just his personality type? And how can you be so sure he loves you in the first place.

Well, you're in luck. I happen to have a short thing I can paste in that talks about how to know when a guy loves you. It was done by a Male you tube relationship advice giver for woman. I took what he said because it is true and made sense, and put it into my own words, adding examples. There is a 7 question test to determine how much he loves you. According to the answer, you will know whether to hang in there or to leave.

DOES HE LOVE ME?

Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
4. A woman can't change a man because she loves him, a man changes himself because he loves her

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

[view]

On Friday, the dude I'm dating called me on my landline at a time when he knew I wouldn't be home. He left this message: "Just calling to say hi. Hope you're doing something fun this weekend."

I thought it was rude, like he was saying, "I'm calling you when I know you're not home to tell you: Don't think you're going to get to spend time with me this weekend, because I won't be available."

I think he should have just not called at all.

What's your opinion?

Thanks!

Don't jump to conclusions when you have no actual proof why he did that. If this was evidence presented in court, would it fly? Heck no!

Well, you DID ask for our opinion. I have a few more but you would think I was attacking your person.
Actually, what came to mind for me are just possibilities of what may be going on inside you to cause you to react this way. If you are curious, you will write and ask me what those are, but do refer to what you originally wrote about as I never know who is writing and the same goes for who is writing back a 2nd time.

[view]

It's not that I want to die, I'm just tired of living as myself. I don't want this to be some pity party bc trust me, I know how privileged I am. I know how lucky I am to be living in a relatively wealthy household, during a time period and place where girls can go to school and where I can have a future. "future" haha...
I can't imagine a future where I'd be happy. I'm smart and I'd have good college apps so I'd get into some UC schools and maybe even make it to some of the shitty Ivies if I'm lucky. I'd feel just as alone as I do now. Be just as confused. Ok I don't want this to sound like some poor teen girl with no self esteem but WHY THE FUCK DO NO BOYS HAVE ANY INTEREST IN ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Don't give me the "you'll find the right guy when you're older, you'll meet someone blah blah" because no one fucking knows that. There are actually a lot of people who are in their 30s who have never kissed, never had a relationship, and never had sex so yes I can be and likely will be one of those people. I grew up in a traditional household wary of male/female friendships and relationships because the mentality was no sex before marriage and no marriage till after college so be asexual till then! My parents got married really for convenience and never loved each other, still don't love each other. I don't even know what a healthy relationship is tbh. Aight not to sound like a stuck up bitch but I dress cute, I'm quirky, and I go out of my way to be nice to people... but people who are the opposite somehow are less alone than I am??? I'm fucking terrified of intamacy and crave it simultaneously so yeah fucked up yeah i know. Anyways where was I ah yes no future... so I'll be tens of thousands of dollars in debt from student loans. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I'm supposed to be applying to colleges soon yeah how the fuck am I supposed to know what I want to do "just do whatever subject you like best!" yeah no one "likes" subjects no chemists are fucking excited by the acidity of strong acid titrations okay... people go into fields bc it's what they're good at. I'll probably end up like my mother.. having a degree in some shit I'll end up hating in 10 years. I don't think i'll ever have a family bc id be a shitty mom and i believe ppl who wouldn't be good moms shouldn't have kids just bc they want a family bc quite frankly that is the most selfish and FUCKING STUPID mentality so yeah no family...
I'm always on the outside somehow always on the outside even when I'm not. Sometimes I'll be at a party where I feel welcome but I still just have this giant pit no giant hole in my chest just sucking the happiness from the moment until I'm back on the ground and I don't feel a fucking thing... no more like I feel everything at once.
I don't want to end up like mother. I can see her selfishness or manipulativeness in me sometimes and i just want to carve it out. I feel like even if i escape her in the distance sense once i go to college she'll never really leave me. She'll always be apart of me always be there to remind me what fucked up genes i have or remind me that I'm a selfish wench or that i indeed only think of myself (which i guess is true considering what this entire passage is about) or that ok honestly it doesn't even matter.
At this point i just can't keep being in this fucking body anymore. I just want to fucking drink or smoke or carve myself away but conveniently no one i know sells that shit bc i made the smart decision to keep my childhood friends throughout high school.Don't get me wrong, they're amazing. but one of em has enough shit in her life she has to deal with and both of them aren't the type to party or do any of that "ghetto" stuff.
I have this theory that people who are Loved don't have to be anything else they can just be Loved. For people who aren't we have to be extraordinary to fill the cliche void. I'm tired of trying to be extraordinary. I'm so so tired. I've been it my whole life and only isolated myself from my peers and from the worlds entirety.
I really don't want this to be some pity party but I just don't see how i can ever be happy. I just don't see it.
I know whatever advice ill get will be hotlines or advice to talk to someone well lol if i could talk to someone do you think id be on here? honestly i know whatever advice i get won't help at all bc you can never really get the full picture from one entry and also what insight can strangers have that i couldn't when I'm the one fucking living this mess? alright I'm ready for the incredible bs of answers I'm going to get including cliche you're worth it sayings.

You full of anger at your situation. Unfortunately, it seems you want to just hold on to your anger rather than you choose and do what you can to pick the life you want. I know a person who had a life like you. Actually, it may have been worse if you consider parents not feeding, clothing and always beating the kids. Life was hard when he went out on his own to get away from Hell and wasn't much better for quite some years. I met him when he was a senior citizen and successful business man. But of course, you don't want to hear some one elses story.

So lets get to your story. From what I can tell of what you wrote, it would seem your life so far as been f**ked up by the parents you have. I always tell people that if the two have kids but do not love each other, its better to split and find partners you do love because lack of love is a disservice to kids who learn from and mimic their parents. From what you wrote about sexual taboo's, that reminds me of what I heard often when I used to attend church. Many people swung so far off one end that they too thought sex was wrong in all forms even if they were married! ANd certainly not before marriage. It was my choice to attend church as a teen, my choice to believe sex before marriage was wrong and I marriage a man who was verbally abusive and we didn't ever arouse the other at all sexually. Our libido's and pheromones didn't match at all. So I decided to tell my daughters to 'test drive' any man they met before they committed because the man might not be a sexual match. Hows that for going from no sex before marriage to not wanting my kids to suffer the same. Well, I wasn't going to put up with that forever. Once the kids were grown, I left him and found a wonderful man.

I know you don't want to hear my story but the reason you are hearing all this is because of the point I want to make. Yes, many of us are dealt a bad hand of cards, but it is what we do and choose after that which will determine if we have a life more tolerable with high points we enjoy or whether we give up on life, mope, cry or kill ourselves to cop out the easy way. YEs, I am saying copping out on life is the easy way because life is never guaranteed to be a happy opulent, rich one free of worries. Those are less than 1 percent of the population as far as i am concerned because there is rich and miserable as well and that doesn't count.
I live out of my van with my 2nd husband and am happier than I've ever been in my life as far as being with a partner is concerned. I am grateful for my children and they are the other bright light in my life. People would consider me homeless but I am not willing to work 2 jobs each of us just to be able to afford an apartment. So we only work part time and have lots of time to spend with each other or with family or pursueing whatever hobby we have. Many wouldn't want the life I now live but I embrace it and am happy.

You are seeing your own life from only one point of view. Who says you have to go to college and rack up a bunch of debt? Mike Rowe (actor of dirty jobs) has a foundation for schooling where kids can apply for the tuition of schooling for a trade job. He says trade jobs are being overlooked and are way understaffed because most kids are going to college. I was horrified to read the story of a woman who went to college and paid her own way, is in a high paying job now but extremely poor because she is at age 40 still finishing off paying off school loans and lives in a run down place, can't afford a car and can barely put food on the table. I don't think college is the only answer. As far as all the BS fed to you by your parents, you weren't born being afraid of sex or of finding someone to love. You were taught all that by messed up parents, no matter how much you love them or not, they sure sounded messed up to me. It is unfortunate that kids learn such bad things from parents. But the good news is that whatever has been learned like a bad habit or bad thought pattern can be unlearned.

When you are ready, if ever, to decide to take the reins of your life in your hands and give it a real honest good hard effort to bring it around, then there is hope for you. Because distorted thoughts and thinking can be eliminated giving you a chance to go after what you want in life for yourself. LIfe will always have hardships though, we can't escape that as souls. But I wouldn't want to because just as diamonds require great pressure from the Earth to turn into diamonds in the first place, people also require some pressure from hardships, not to crumble into pieces and give up but to use the challenges to become stronger, become a survivor and then an over comer. Only you can overcome any of your obstacles.

Don't think I have no idea, I raised 3 girls. None dated at all in high school by their choice. So if you need someone to give you positive support verbally, that's me. Just write to me from my column.


Lastly, In this site, we have gotten people who truly are hurting as you say you are or others who make up outrageous stories just to take up our time. So if by chance you are one of those who write a made up story just to get your kicks from our responses, then I hope you also got what you wanted.

[view]

hello dragonflymagic,

how you doing? few days ago, i wrote you and asked you about the swingers club that my boyfriend of 5 months was suggesting about. but recently he said he was just winding me up and he said to me, 'you're too serious' i asked him back so were you just testing me then, he said, obviously. I'm like what the hell! why would he call me too serious and why would he test me? i mean we're friends for a year before we dated but this is like he don't trust me or something. he's a jealous type but i don't mind, I'd like him to be jealous. thank you dragonflymagic!

If you know he is a jealous type, This next part comes from dating experts: Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness

So maybe even though you haven't asked for it, I'll post for you a short 7 question test to see if your guy really loves you. You may think its not enough time so if you can ask yourself the same another 6 months down the road and do not get the good results you want, then you either choose to stay with someone where you know you're settling for less or you move on. Heres that test:

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

[view]

TRUE OR FALSE, Flirting while married or dating one person exclusively is normal, healthy, fun, and perfectly fine so long as everyone involved knows it is meaningless?

The answer depends on how much you love your bf/husband or gf/wife and know they have problems with jealousy.

Generally, it is true there is nothing wrong with flirting. However, if you know your partner gets jealous, it's probably best to not do it.

Now I would also like to mention that it depends on what a person does when they get jealous feelings.

To understand what I am about to say, you need first to know that everything gets jealous feelings because jealousy is a fear of losing something...either losing a partner to someone else, or jealous against a co worker who the boss seems to be favoring instead of you for a position-so the possible loss of a job, and the list goes on.
Its most commonly seen though in relationships. Often the problem is that neither partner is good at communicating how much they love you and that no one else can replace you because they don't just love your looks or sex, you are your partners best friend and they are in love with who you are on the inside, Therefore as the outside changes with age, you are still in love with them.

Now that we covered what jealousy is, there are situations were it goes behind a little jealousy that pops up. Men more often are like the following but it can apply to females as well. Your partner acts jealous but not at actual flirting, its their imagined flirting, simply because you or another happened to glance at you in passing, not ogling, just the barely glancing at people as you pass them while walking with your partner. When you are being accused of all sorts of things with someone else, your mate may be a controller. It is a mental disability they really need professional help with. A partner/mate who had low self esteem will want to eliminate any possibility of anyone else getting a change to talk to you because of their misplaced jealousy and this is no longer a matter of them having simple jealousy but wanting to lock you up inside the house and never let you talk to friends on phone, basically isolating you. This is not healthy and these kinds of partners should not even be considered as a choice for a parter.

Hope this answers your question sufficiently

[view]

I keep hearing mixed answers.

If you are getting mixed answers just by asking people like us who have not worked with job corps. it may be better to ask them directly.
Heres a contact number for the US at which you can ask for the offices contact that are close to you in your state. The more populated the area you live in, there may be more offices.

800-733-5627

If you are getting mixed answers by talking to various people in the job corps office, then I suggest doing the same thing any time I have a problem when calling into a call center or office of any sort. Tell the person who answers that you have had varying answers so you would like to speak to their supervisor. Often, those who answer phones want to appear impressive to their bosses and handle everything by the script they are taught to follow. They can only answer questions that are pre-taught and okayed for them to answer. If its a question or problem outside of their authority to address, answer or fix, then it doesn't matter how often you ask, you will get mixed answers because the person on the line is guessing to try to help you. All you can do is explain your situation then tell the current person on the line at Job corps that you would like to speak to their supervisor or boss. And quickly reassure them that you realize that there will sometimes be questions that a person can not answer or has authority to help with, and even if they insist on answering and trying to help, you still want to also talk to thier boss and let them know that they are not in trouble, rather, you'd be very grateful at their customer service of realizing it is best to put you in contact with their supervisor. I have had many refuse to do so but as I kept working on them, they would finally allow me to, especially if I remembered their name and used it and told them I would only call back and ask someone else telling name so and so wouldn't honor the request to speak to the boss. It usually never comes to that but that will make the orneriest person send you on to the boss. Most places now mention having automated recording of your call. Thats to protect them from someone claiming something that didn't happen in the call but you can also use it to your benefit. I used to work in a call center and believe me, they do listen to those taped calls to see if you are following the script exactly and not leaving anything out. Any arguing with a customer who wants something you can't give them, will be a situation for the superior there and if they don't pass the call on, they can get in trouble.

[view]

18/f
For the past 5 months I've had really bad anxiety and I think I'm depressed. I've gotten back into cutting but I find my mood swings weird. I can go from being empty and distant to super happy to wanting to cry in just the period of a day at school. And I'm generally a shy person, especially around teachers but then I get days where I'm just over the top happy and I'm confident and actually speak quite alot in front of them and then there's days where when I try answer something in class you can abrely even hear me. And I've become pretty affectionate lately. And I don't really sleep much, I'll put my phone off at like 10:30pm and at 3 I'm still awake my mind doesn't switch off and I don't get tired at night. I just don't get what is going on. I go from nights where i just want to die to days where I'm on top of the world.

Another vote for you to see your Dr. For all you know, it could be a couple different things. Maybe you suffer insomnia with not being able to sleep at night. If a Dr finds you have this, there are many natural/homeopathic remedies at health food stores that can help.

If you feel anxious and depressed now but were not in the past, it could be two things with one being that if a person genetically has depression that will appear, it tends to do that during the teen years. Thats what happened with my eldest child.

The second since you mention anxiety present as well is that you are out of HS and facing the adult world and finding yourself quite overwhelmed and anxious not knowing how well you will do or what decisions to make. That type of concern is enough to bring on anxiety and temporary depression. Tell your Dr. and he/she can recommend you to a professional in the area of mental health. Even if you end up not having a mental illness like bi polar with the mood swings up and down so quickly, if its just worry about your future, then you need to learn ways to mentally cope with life, and watch to make sure you don't have distorted thoughts. I once asked a retired counselor friend about a family member stating it sounded like a certain illness to me. She said that many mental health illnesses have an overwhelming amount of the same symptoms with sometimes only one if two symptoms to differentiate one from the other so it is therefore futile for the average person like you or me to self diagnose. So please do go see your Dr.

[view]

My boyfriend of few months wants us to join the swingers after I told him (although didn’t mean to) I sometimes imagine 2 guys including him and some stanger to have sex with but I also said I don’t think I can take 2 guys. Since then he keeps asking me tell me about it, tell me how would you like it...that’s how asks. He’s 40 and I’m 39. We’re both very sexual and always horny, I’m always ready when he wants to make love also he loves to talk dirty while we make love, he keeps calling me “naughty” and also “yeah I’m fucking you” during make out but not sure, is it normal? I don’t know but is it ok to join the swingers club for a couple? Also he wants me to try new position on him very encouraging while we watch porn he wants me try few positions so please Dragonflymagic explain all to me, are these all normal for a guy to think like that? Thanks!

This may be long as I will start with everything you mentioned starting with the title. I was in the swing club scene for a few years myself and so you will have to trust that I share only what I felt or what I saw or experienced, no guessing here.

Is becoming swingers good for a couple? Thats a loaded question and really depends on the couple. There needs to be absolute trust between the two something that is earned over time by each partner consistancy is a preferred behavior. Many times I heard it said that swinging is not going to mend a bad marriage, rather end it sooner and I know it to be true. My marriage wasn't good, but I am not blaming swinging, rather it was part of all the things I needed to experience to know I wanted more out of life than an abusive husband and gaining the balls to leave him. I witnesses many couples that had repeat encounters with my husband and I only for the husband to becme jealous with his wifes attention on my husband or a wife jealous because I sat next to her husband too long while just talking!!! These people did nothing to hide their jealousy and told us they didn't want anything to do with us again.

Jealousy is a given. Its what you do with it, how you personally process it in your brain that will determine if you can handle swinging. Yes, swinging is about sex and thats a good thing for couples who are very sexual and can't get enough but its also about emotions and how you mentally process your experiences. I can't use my ex as the example because I didn't have the depth of love for him as I do my new husband, for me, he is my soul mate. But I can tell you there is no doubt in my mind of his devotion and love for me and that no other woman could take that away. So many can say that but do they have the proof of his consistant actions? I have his actions, what he says, how he reacts. One new years, a couple we knew invited us to go along to a small party. The hostess was single and had one other couple invited who didn't show so it was a small gathering. The hostess quickly got drunk and turned on music wanting to dance. She singled out my husband. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt sorry for him because she wasn't taking no for an answer and kept grabbing and pulling him to the center of the room. What she didn't know is that his slight autism prevents him from being able to enjoy the music and move in time to it. Its too much for him. He looked miserable and pretty much stood in place while she danced around him. Another other woman might have had issues, I instead was laughing. I was secure. Not because she was drunk, but because I know he loves not just me on the outside but he loves my character and soul.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something. And yes, those thoughts would cross my mind. Nasty little thoughts, always sneak up on you. "Look ,see how she forced him to dance and he's doing it, and he wouldn't do that for you" yes, I heard that in my head. Instead of feeling like she was getting something I wasn't and feeling left out, In my head I answered, "For one thing, he is totally miserable and two,, I wouldn't call that dancing and three, I know he can't wait til she's done and he's back sitting beside me.

There were a few singles who attended but a single male could not attend unless an equal balance of single females had signed up to attend. That would be an actual swing club that has its own location. It was hailed the best in the country and from what I heard, others were not patrolled by owners, no bouncers to kick out those who didn't follow the rules. No second chances either. If a woman said no, it meant no and if the guy still tried to even touch her in passing, he was out the door if she complained. I had visited a few other places and they were not as well run and condoms for disease control were not stressed to use. THese clubs are limited to being in major cities or their suburbs. More people just find other couples on Swappernet.

Next, you mentioned only having thoughts about being worked on by 2 or 3 at a time. This normal stuff since our brain is considered our greatest sex organ. However some of the scenerios that played out in our minds can arouse us, some of the situations in real life are anything but pleasant. Women may dream of being raped but would never want to experience it in real life. Its only the situation in her mind that can arouse her. In real life she'd be terrified. I've heard of people who need to feel pain to get aroused, or the bizarre such as pooping on their partner on purpose or throwing up on them. And I have never come across anyone who will admit doing that in real life but will admit to fantasizing about it.
Sometimes a fantasy should remain a fantasy. Its really about determining is yours is a fantasy or a true life wish. It seems your bf took it as being a true wish and wants to make it come true to you.
When you say you don't think you can take two guys, I assume you mean penetration by two at once. Although thats seen lots in porn, I've never seen or heard of anyone doing that. When its two men, or three, you can have two each attending one breast while the other is inside. Thats the most common way more than one man works on a woman at once and is pleasant. However I discovered it was not for me as I focus too much on giving to my partner as I am recieving and part of what is so rewarding to me is the males reactions to what I do. I can't do that when there are 2 or 3 to focus on. Yes, its all supposed to be about the woman taking and not giving but it didn't do anything for me. HOwever, I was up for some fun when a wife went around asking women if they would join her in giving her husband his fantasy for his birthday, three woman all working on his cock at once. I agreed. It was difficult to get our three faces close enough to run our tongues on him at once but we achieved it. Personally, I couldn't see that as very fulfulling but then it wasn't my fantasy and since it was the fantasy in his mind, he probably enjoyed it immensely.

At 40 and 39, thats a very common age for those into swinging. Those who are much younger and still in breeding age, trying to have children will not be on any contraception and wouldn't want the wife to get pregnant. So its when the kids are teens or out of the house that most start going. I saw people in their 50s and 60 and even a few older in 70's but these were not folks needing canes or walkers and still had a sex drive.

Talking dirty during lovemaking is very normal. It is for the benefit of your mind and thoughts. If what you hear from your partner rachets up the strength of your arousal a couple degrees, then its done its job. Sometimes hubby is on the verge but not able to come so I will talk dirty and as he takes in his mind what I just said, that is all the needed extra to push him over. ANd the same works for me. Now if it doesn;t work for you at all for some reason , then there is no reason for him to do so. But you will have to advise your partner of what does help you in situations like this and encourage him to do so.

I have seen enough porn in my life to know its not very real at all compared to real life. YOu two could do way better to cut out porn totally and buy a book on the Kama Sutra and learn to do the positions from the book. Or find videos on classes for raising or directing your sexual energies.

It is normal for a guy to think like that...about talking dirty and new positions, well yeah...men are more visual in sex than women but it doesn't mean she's not normal if she does the same. He's picturing the two of you in new position and that already is enough to arouse him. YOu don't have to be aroused by the same thing in your mind as he is.

As for carrying it out, some positions work for some couples and don't for others. Why? The length of the penis being short vs longer and the females passage naturally tilted differently in her body.

So in truth, I 've found some of those crazy position work only if the guy is long enough to stay in. However if he's too long, it can be uncomfortable to me. Also, some positions do absolutely nothing to me because non of the important points like clit, G spot, A spot are getting enough or the right amount of attention and pressure.

If you decide to go, please keep your mind open to the possibility that swing may end your relationship with him. He is just looking for fun and getting your approval to get away with being in a relationship and still not having to commit to one person for life, just doing the playboy things. I know its been only a few months together for you but this is more something you see with married couples after an average of ten years married. Their relationship is solid enough and they have faced hardships of all sorts without it causeing them to split up. Here I talk of non sexual things, like losing a job, unemployed for a long time, the loss of a child, all things that can make a couple split up rather than find solace in each others arms. You two haven't got that yet. So there is no way to know how getting into swinging will affect you other than both of you temporarily happy with all the extra sex. Personally, I might have enjoyed sex with others but I found people I wanted to do other things with as well and you do sometimes find swingers who will go to see shows together or a movie or even hiking with swinger friends, couples doing something outside of the club or the bedroom together. Sounds like its more his idea than yours. If you dont want to go, don't. If it makes him leave you, its probably for the better. If you do decide to go, you both need to have a safe word or phrase o use when you want to leave for some reason. It could be you get going and then reallize you can't stand the guy you're with or you arrive and haven't taken clothes off yet and get a weird unsettled feeling that something isn't right about your partner or the c ouple. For me it was, Honey, I'm sorry but I have one of my migraines starting. I can't ignore it anymore at this point, could you take me home?" My husband liked it so much he used the same excuse on occasion.
Now the thing here is to picture you saying this to your bf. Will he be upset with you cus he's not going to get the fun he was expecting and try to goad you or push you to stay because he knows it is just an excuse? What if it was real and you were coming d own with the flu feeling queasy? Is his concern going to be more about protecting you, and your feelings and what you may be sensing, and be okay with taking you home even if he doesn't yet know why? YOu can't ask each other in front of the other couple or if you need privacy for a few minutes in another room to talk and then rejoin them as if nothings wrong, they will know something is wrong, especially if they've been swinging for a while. Its get awkward pretty quick when they sense one of you is not willing and the other seems eager to push on and depending on who they are, they may back out or be like the uncaring bf and just say the heck with it and enjoy themselves at your expense.

Lastly one piece of wisdom about what makes for the most secure fulfilling relationships. Theres two things that make up the foundation of any relationship, friendship and lover. If the two can be the best of friends and treat each according with love, care and respect, then no one would be purposely out to hurt the other in words, actions or lack of actions as may be in cases. Also, their sexual bond is a perfect match, having the exact same pheromones and libido's and likes in sexual things. Both are needed to have that great relationship. However a great majority of couples and marriages are one sided having only the great sex or only the best friends but no sexual attraction. Obviously, you have the sex part down. The question is whether the two of you are the best of friends, that dear to each other. Don't be too hasty to pick out a thing or two and say, see ...he and I are best friends. This you will know better in the carrying out of life situations. Lets say you decide you will never go to a swing club. How does he react? Does he get upset and try harder to convince you or is he instantly there for you, reassuring that you don't have to go but wanting to know why so he can learn something more about you in order to always treat you right. If he gets upset, you'd know it was more all about him and his priorities which should be you and your relationship are quite off.

Thats alot but hope its helped you. There's not much benefit other than the maturing possibility for each individual of a couple in swinging. If you have any specific question or scenerio to run past me, just write to me again dear.

[view]

So I’m going to a camp with school tomorrow but I just got my period (not my first one) and I have no idea what to do. For most of the time I will be in a cabin but when we go out for activities and such what will I do?!? I use tampons but I’ll have to change them so often and how will I conceal them?!? Also for one night we go hiking and sleep somewhere random. Should I use pads or tampons and how will I conceal them? I have to bring so many because I change them every 4 hours and need aproximitly 4 per day so I need 20 plus some spares. Please I’m so nervous

NOw that I am older, I know there's no reason to be embarrassed about having ones period. However when I was a teen, even a bit older, like 19 and a helper at a camp, I remember being embarassed and wanting to keep it secret. My boyfriend was also a camp helper. When he saw me leave a meeting in a hurry, he was worried and followed me. He asked what was wrong and I said nothing was wrong. He kept asking and no matter what lame answer I gave, he knew I was hedging, so finally in total humiliation I finally spit out, "I have my period!" He seemed to take that as pretty normal and said, "Oh, thats all. Okay I'll see you back in the meeting."
What you need to realize is that even if they never talk about it, all males have a mom who had or has periods and yes, it may be a big mystery to them as no female seems to want to discuss it with them but at the same time, they realize it is a normal part of life for females, it can be messy sometimes and sometimes the gal is going to feel miserable on her period.

You have to get past the embarrassment at some time. It might as well be this camp trip. Take as much supplies as you think you will need and meds for if you get cramps too. Have a good time!

[view]

what does it mean when an ex boyfriend says, “we can go and join them as a couple?” We are still friends and in a good term. We see each other 3 times a week. I’m 30 and he’s 32. He’s got a kid with his ex wife and got a kid with current girlfriend but him and I still are in contact and message each other and we still chat up. I just feel like he still loves me and maybe wants to get back together one day otherwise why would he say we can join them as a couple..? Is he saying something because as a couple mean we’re still in a relationship, isn’t it? What does exactly mean we can go as a couple? Please do explain!

I don;t know whats in his head but saying we can go as a couple may also mean that you aren't a couple but will pretend to be a couple.

What do you want, a man who loves you not just on the outside but everything about you on the inside as well? Thats a good thing, the kind of guy who wants to grow old together with you. This guy may be having a hard time figuring out exactly who that kind of woman is since he has an ex and a current girlfriend and child. Not trying to rain on your parade dear but right now, unless he learns real quick what the woman that he wants to be with the rest of his life is like inside and out, then you will only become one more female in a long line of women he leaves weeping in the dust behind him. Then on the other hand, perhaps he is in love with you. I have something to share, a few questions you answer as to whether true about him or not. That should help you get a clearer idea if he is a keeper or whether you should let him go. This hanging out with you 3 x a week, etc. is not really a breakup. If you decide he is worth staying with after you read through the following piece, written by a guy for women to which I added more, then he may need to read over and follow instructions I have on how to find Ms Right/Mr. Right. Without following that program, I would not have realized my 2nd husband was the one for me. You can always ask me for that, It would help you and also him. Now, how to know if he loves you:

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

[view]

I have recently made a decision that I feel is right, but I want to know what you all think of it. It's kind of one of those decisions where it feels like no matter what you do, it's wrong.


I have a rather toxic father who I don't have much of a relationship with. He's rude, ill tempered, intimidating, verbally abusive, selfish, thoughtless, and just downright cold. and you can't call him out on anything because he is completely delusional when it comes to his own image of himself.

Ever since he started having grandchildren, he has wanted to become closer with the family. He wants us all to spend more time together, which I suppose is pretty nice, but there's a problem. I feel bad saying this, but I don't want my children turning out anything like him. He has been a bad influence on my nephew, so I feel a need to keep my kids away from him so they won't learn any of his bad habits or behaviors. At the same time, though, I USED to feel that I had to let him around them some because it felt cruel keeping him away from them completely when he wanted so badly to have a relationship with them. However, something has happened that makes me feel that I don't want them around him at all anymore.

Last sunday was Mother's Day and it sucked thanks to my dad. My sister and nephew flew in for the weekend (I still live in my hometown BTW). Long story short, my parents got in an argument over God knows what and my dad just screamed bloody murder at my mom for a large part of our Mother's Day celebration. Now, losing his temper and screaming was on thing, but he also used absolutely filthy language, which makes me angry. I'm sure some people think I'm a total prude, but I despise foul language. It's offensive, it sounds unintelligent and lazy (you don't have or want to get a bigger vocabulary so you just use foul language to express yourself), it sounds trashy, it's a thoughtless and irresponsible thing to do in front of children as it sets a bad example, and it shows a lack of self control.

I DO NOT want my children to learn to use bad language, but my dad lacks so much self control that I don't trust him not to lose his temper and scream despicable language in front of them again. I can't count how many times he used the terms, f---, f---ing, mother f---er, god--mn, bulls--t, and other such words during his diatribe against my mom last sunday. I also can't count how very many times I've heard him call my mom a b--ch. I do not want my sons to learn to talk to women, especially their wives like that nor do I want my daughters to speak like that to their husbands. I don't any of my children to use language like that against anyone ever. It's disgusting.

Aside from the bad language, he also nearly caused a car accident by driving like an idiot because he was angry. He's done that for as long as I can remember, he gets mad and cares about absolutely nothing except venting his anger, not even the safety of his family. I can't tell you how mad this makes me. Driving like that with just me in the car is angering, doing it with my mom in the car is infuriating, but doing it with my children in the car is not something I will tolerate ever again. I am like a momma bear and my children are like my cubs. I am like a momma bear and my children are like my cubs. I am fiercely protective of them. If you put one of my cubs in danger and momma bear WILL make you sorry. I'm about to make my dad sorry by not letting him spend time with my children ever again and definitely not letting them ride in a car with him again, but I'm worried about whether or not that's the right thing to do.

It's not just the foul language and the poor driving. It's also that my dad can be a mean, hateful old man and I don't want to give him the chance to hurt my children the way he's hurt the rest of us. He's verbally abusive. He has a way of making you feel like nothing, making you ashamed of yourself and he absolutely has a way of making you feel like he cares nothing about you and you could die for all he cares. He and I have practically no relationship and I feel miserable when I'm around him.

I know he does care about getting to see my kids, but I've watched him hurt and be a bad influence on my nephew over the years and it makes me feel the need to keep him away from my kids. The momma bear instincts kick in and I feel a need to protect them from him by never letting him anywhere near them every again. They would still get to see my mom as my parents are rarely around each other and they have another gramdpa in their lives who is a wonderful man and a good influence, but I still feel guilty keeping my dad away from them. What are your thoughts on my situation?

You are not wrong in wanting to protect your children. Sometimes your parents/the grandparents to your children may not be good role models and actually be dangerous to their welfare such as the driving angry bit. I don't know what ages the children are but children of all ages copy what they see adults doing. The younger they are, the harder it would be for you to talk to them and use reason. If they are older, you can always have a talk and let them know that their grandfather has an anger problem and never learned to use self control. Let them know that just because he is a grown up, doesnt' mean he is right. Sometimes, you end up with bad parents or grandparents not to learn to be like them but to learn how to avoid that and become better than them, not stooping to their level. Let the kids know that this is why you are choosing to not let them see him or see hi m on very limited basis.
I had to do the hard thing when a daughter was 12 and in tears over how unfairly her dad had treated her. He tried to defend himself in front of a couple of our friends, only making himself look more like a spoiled child. I had to calm my daughter down once Dad left the house and tell her what I just told you. If a child is old enough, they will understand. I later left him and divorced him but at the time, it was what she needed to hear. I don't like to talk bad about family but the truth is the truth so then it becomes important in what tone of voice you share this if you plan to with the kids. Don't show anger, don't yell, just plain and simply share the facts surrounding the grandfather and how what he does is very wrong. If your children are still very young then its best to have no contact. You know your kids maturity best so perhaps they will understand things like this you explain to them better by time they are 9 or 10 or what ever age you feel they will comprehend and not be tempted to copy his bad traits...then allow him to see the kids on a limited basis, only when you are around and only in your home where you can state the rules. You tell Dad he can see the kids if he keeps his anger and foul language in check. If he messes up, you will ask him to leave and if he doesn't you will call the police to remove him at which point you will not allow the kids to see him unless he can tell you he has changed for the better and will behave himself, otherwise, he will never see them again while they are still minors. They can choose whether to see him once they are adults if he lives that long. I know its hard but thats tough love. Good to hear your kids have a mama bear who's really looking after them and cares about the details.

[view]

I think I have social anxiety and it’s controlling my life I haven’t been to the doctor for it because my mom doesn’t want me to be on medication. Anyways whenever I want to go to social events like parties she’ll say don’t go it’s not safe, so now I don’t like parties and feel anxious when I go to them. whenever I want to go to a concert she says “there’s drugs there, there’s gangs, it’s not safe” and when the whole terrosim things were happening she would say “they bomb public places” so I’ve never been to a concert and then when Ariana grandes concert got bombed it just sealed what she said. If I’m on campus she wants me home as soon as classes are over so I can’t even get involved on campus because club meetings meet at 6pm. My school is known for sexual assault and theft on campus, I didn’t want to go to that school but it was my mom that made me go there. Now I’m almost 20 years old and I’m tired of her thinking everything is unsafe. Now I’m scared of everything and everyone. I can’t take public transit without feeling anxious, if a guy approaches me I instantly want to run away. I know the world isn’t safe but you can’t be living in fear what do I do?

Ditto to what adviceman said. As far as seeing a psychologist, in many While a student is in college, even over 18 and considered an adult, they can still be legally covered on parents plan up to age 26 if listed on it or added to during open enrollment. This article I will paste also talks of student health care plan so You might want to check with a counselor there if it would cover seeing a psychologist.

Think for a moment what you face if you do nothing about getting over your fear and taking the control of your life out of Mothers hands.
Picture your parents living until a very old age and no matter how old you get, still treating you like a child and sheltering you. I met a mom at McDonalds who just starting talking to me. She has a son in his forties who has never left home. SO do you want to be in your 40s, 50's never married, never had kids, still dependent on your folks, and when they finally do die, you could be 60 and never having learned how to be an adult, and feel totally lost, is that what you want to see happen if you do nothing? I don't think so but hon, I am not exaggerating when I say it actually is very possible that you could end up an old lady yourself, totally alone and not having a clue how to do the things adults need to do to take care of themselves.

While you may have social anxiety, also a big problem is sticking up for yourself which you won't because it gets a reaction from Mom, all for your benefit, to get you to feel guilty for asserting your adulthood. YOu fear her getting angry enough to stop talking to you. Been there myself with my separated parents each at differing points getting upset with me when I nicely asserted myself but still they got angry and stopped talking to me. I can tell you it doesnt last forever unless the parent has a track record for as far back as you can recall of holding grudges and that truly is a smaller amount of people. Both my parents eventually came around.

I used to have social anxiety but am now free of it. This is one thing that I know doesn't require being on medication and the way over it is done at your pace taking as little or long as you need. HOwever, I was anxious driven mostly by fear of embaressment and such and not by parents trying to run my life. My fears came from inside me, not reinforced by a parents behavior towards me, attaching me from the outside. She is not free of mental health issues herself and would benefit from seeing a counselor but she likely wouldn't see herself as having any issues. All you can do is work on yourself.

The fears you are talking about are all about what can hap pen to you, all worst case scenerio thinking and that is a sign of a mind that has distorted thinking. Distorted thinking leads to lots of mental disorders in the world today that can be treated by learning how to think correctly although there are still mental illnesses that require medication.

You probably didn't think like this, fearing so much when you were younger if I am right and its mostly since you got older, older child and teen when Mom started treating you like this, then it was a learned mental behavior and can be unlearned. I was born being shy and embarassed and fearful. I was that way as far back as I can remember, like age 2 or 3. I didn't have a chance to learn it at that age. So in my case, I beleive I was born like that and had to get over it in a step by step program of things I had to do to get better. Even if you didn't fear the worst case stuff everywhere you turn in life, even if you laughed at Mom's concerns and didn't consider them, she would still be trying to control you and that is something that you will need professional health meetings to learn to overcome.

Let me know if you want the document with the steps I followed to get over social anxiety but I am not so sure thats what you are suffering from. Either way you need professional help with learning how to take your independance and stop giving control to Mom by doing her wishes. That is what you truly need to see a professional for. The other I can send you but only if you write from my column. I have no way to response if you write in the comment section of rating.


[view]

HI so i am 18 and i just want to try some lesbian stuff to get it out of my system and there are alot of girls that would be great candidates but i don't know if i should or not so im going to list the girls and i just want you guys to be honets with me about the girls and which one i should ask to be my one time experiment buddy.
1- she is a girl at my school and we have kissed before and almost gotten there but she always backs down so there's a huge chance she will back down again and then i will get all excited then to get my dreams shot down. I ultimately ended our whole thing with her a while ago because i was like shit im straight and didn't want to experiment for a while but now the urge is back again and i wanna do it with her because we have already been so close too it but i don't want her to switch up again and back down and then i have to find someone else, plus she is very high maintenance and needs A LOT of things some reasonable some not and it's just a huge turn off sometimes... Plus she switches what she wants sometimes she wants to get fingered sometimes she doesn't sometimes she wants scissoring sometimes she doesn't its too confusing and complicated for us to be experimenting as a one time thing
2- She is a very close family friend on my dads side and stays with my dad while her mom tries to get her life together with her its very confusing she kinda talks to me like she wants me but sometimes she doesn't. One night it was just us two and my little sisters and she laid her head on me and held my hands and i was like oh wait she might like me but i didn't think anything of it of course because she seems like this innocent girl to me but then like an hour later im laying on her rubbing her outside her leggings and i know she feels every bit of it because her head is back and her eyes are closed and i mean ya girl know the signs, anyways i was thinking that was the chance and tried to go in and i know the signs so i backed off and sat up but she pulled me back down and we kind of laid there until she fell asleep. She and I know each other pretty well but not best friend well, I just got recconnected with my dad last year and i met her when i went over there for the first time. WE have made our way to talking an getting close so i think we are kind of there, but i also don't want to cross a line and mess up Family connections and i don't know how close she is with her family so i can't trust that she wont tell but she seems to want it. She sends me "fake streak pictures" on snapchat which is basically when it seems like a streak but its specially for you and only goes to you , so she sends me those and they a little exposing and all so i kinda get a feeling from those but idk
3- she is a girl in my girl scouts troop and were sorta kinda close we joke around and call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend, i hug her all the time, touch her thighs, just subtle stuff like that and i just dont know how she feels right now because she isn't giving any definite signs. If things went wrong it could cause problems in my girl scout troop and could spread around school both things i don't need in my life, like at all so its either she goes for it which i think she might or she might not, or she doesn't and it starts a whole new drama

so yeah those are all my options i really just want to get this over with and i know with them its not going to be strings attached just over and done. Please help i just want to get this feeling over with

theres a problem dear, the fact you said " i really just want to get this over with" and that does not sound like a person looking forward to the experience, more like a trip to the dentist. If a girl said she fears sex for the first time with a boyfriend, I would say she is not ready.
Now regardless who you choose, they may not respond back. The thing is, there are females who are gay and called lesbians and there are straight women and there is one other, quite a large group actually as I met several through a neighbor, and these would be women who are attracted sexually to both men and women. This is called being Bi-sexual.

You never mentioned if you find yourself attracted sexually to males and just curious about women or if you find yourself attracted to both or just to females only.

If females only and you are fighting it, you will only make yourself unhappy in life. If you are straight but curious about what its all about, having sex with a female, well, there are females like that, and its called bi-curious. These are females who know they are straight but are curious to try it just once. I eventually did in my forties. The other woman was straight too. But we both got each other off and after I was wondering if it was so easy for me to do that with.

So it may be that you are just curious. But even so, if curious, its one thing to think about it and another entirely to do it. You have to be ready to do it. Imagine getting all naked with another girl and you decide you can't do it after all, so will she feel there is something wrong with her, feel rejected, will it cause problems with friendship between you and her? Don't even go for it until you feel comfortable to try it out and it may not even be any one of the people you mentioned.

If you are bi sexual, you are being aroused by both males and females visually. You don't have to have had sex with both genders to know you are bi. Its how your body reacts to them. And don't confuse your feelings with the excitement of doing something forbidden in your own mind, because that
isn't the same excitement as being sexually attracted to females.

If you have never had sex with a male, even straight girls will do it together because its safer and you can't get pregnant. So you need to get your mind around what you really want, to get your feet wet having sex for now with someone you cant get pregnant by, and whether you are straight, bi or gay. When you have figured out which it is, then we can talk more if you feel the need.

[view]

Hey , so I'm a 21 years old who just moved out by himself and started living independently ; i used to live with my dad 3 months ago but due to excessive amounts of arguments/fights , i moved out. The issue that I'm having is that i have no friends or someone to hang out with. That's what i need the most ; i focus on work and college(skipped this semester) too much but i need time to relax and enjoy life . How do i go about making new friends ; I live in Queens,NY which is impossible to make friends. I've tried dating apps but realized they were
a waste of time. people tend to be antisocial,rude,so into themselves like i don't understand , especially here in NY. Thank you

The easiest way to make new friends is to find those who have common interests and hobbies. I suggest seeing if there are any clubs/get together's in your area by looking up an online site called Meetups.com You look for whats available in your area.

I have seen meet ups of people who play board games, moms with babes in strollers who walk together, to those interested in yoga, herbal treatments, walking, jogging, dog lovers, horse lovers, and on and on. I just tossed out a few examples and they may not have a meet up in your area but it's worth a look and I have gone before and met and made friends that way.

[view]

I'm 22, f and for about 10 years I have been struggling with social anxiety.
Every time I'm in a large group of people I sort of freeze and get so nervous that I don't speak.

Even though I know that people like me, I also worry constantly about how I appear and that people don't like me. I worry that people judge me because they can tell I'm socially awkward or quiet.

I know the best way to get over social anxiety is to face the fear and socialize so this weekend that's what I'm doing, but I'm still very nervous about it.

Any tips for how I can calm down?

Socializing or the ability to talk to people isn't something to be reserved for just the weekend. We all have opportunity every day to talk to people, like someone on the elevator, people at school or work, our neighbors, the sales clerk, people also waiting in line at Starbucks, etc.

I used to have social anxiety and will share with you how I got over it. Its based on taking it in little bits at a time, not trying one big bite in a weekend pretending to be the social butterfly.
It worked for me and I am sure it will work for you but not in one or even a couple weekend or weeks. That is almost too much to hope for. But if you apply yourself, you can be totally comfortable and be the one starting conversations in a couple of months.

Overcome Shyness/Social Anxiety

I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so anxious socially. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone ) and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered. (I more recently read of the same way to overcome this in a book by a psychologist so it's not like trusting me that God said this but its what psychologists understand too))

None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes when ripe so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.


[view]

Lets start out by saying that I'm a 16 year ild female, if that helps anything. I know this could just be hormones and such since I'm a teenager, but I can't be too sure. I don't remember when this all started, but i've noticed lately that I'm feeling extremely guilty for small and insignificant things. For example, today I tried to grab a paper in Science. The teacher stopped me and said the older kids go first. Seems simple, but it's 8 hours later and I'm still feeling guilty about this. This is just one example though. It happens almost everyday, and it's starting to make me question my every action to the point where I won't do anything in fear of messing up. Should I talk to someone about this, or should I try to fix it on my own? And advice would be appreciated!

When you wrote that and the teachers response, it hit me, felt it. Although the teacher wasn't mean, when I was in school, Not only did I suffer social anxiety but I lacked any self confidence so being told that the older kids go first would have felt like a reprimand, like I did something wrong, it would feel embarrassing or mortifying to have made even the smallest of errors, even unknowingly or innocently.

I take care today when talking to people in case they are like I used to be. If I were the teacher and for what ever reason older students needed to choose first, I would have smiled and first complimented you saying, "My, its so good to so such an eagerness in you. However, I need to let the older students choose first, I hope you understand." If you got a softer response like that, would you still have felt bad? Think about it. Your emotions will tell you, the same as they react to stirring emotional movies, just picture the different scenerio in your mind. If it doesn't bother you much any more, then you may simply be a person who is a sensitive. You pick up on others feelings and energies and it can throw you off. If you still feel real bad like guilty for the incident, then it's more than being a sensitive, and it could be low self esteem which is another thing teens battle with besides depression. And you could benefit from some counseling there. I have an adult sister who is a sensitive, a touchy feely sort of person. So whenever there is bad news in the family, I take it in stride while she cries and wails and falls apart emotionally. That is just who she is. IT is not mental illness or depression.

[view]

hello dragonflymagic,

we're in our 30's, friends for a 1 year and a half, good friends but we dated for 5 months and he decided to call it off because he was stressed but we're still in touch and he comes see me 2 or 3 times a week like he used to when we were dating.

the other day he asked what's your future like, how long are you waiting for, what're you waiting for i need to know and i replied well i don't know but i do love you, he also said he can't keep doing this. i might be wrong but i just feel that he still loves me underneath. he's still passoinate when we make love. when he broke up with me he said he's got family to look after because it's his responsibilty, 2 kids and divorved plus he has a new girlfriend for a few years. i'm painfully hurt though
however, he insisted we should stay in touch so since then we've been messaging. when he come see me he greets me with kiss on the lips and when he leaves too we both say i love you to each other. we make love like we used to still. we both are sexual and love making love. and we do texting as well but not much. now, what do you thnk, dragonflymagic..i dont know but i'm stil in love with him and i love him so much because he's a good hardworking family oriented person. i still believe he wants to get back together one day and loves me still. he did fall for me really hard but then its over now. we just fell in love and didn't plan any of this. do you think we both are horrible people? by the way we both are scorpios. so what do you reckon? why would he want to keep in touch?
thank you dragonflymagic. sorry for my long story though

Hi dear.

A man doesn't need to stay with an ex wife to take care of his kids. However it will involve child support money he sends to her and maybe alimony and seeing his kids on some weekends. That should not interfere with his getting a new relationship. However you mention a girl friend of a few years and there is the problem. I am not saying that when someone is seeking a person to date that they will try out anyone that will go out with them until they feel they have found someone worth the time to get to know even better and at this point, seeing only that person until they have decided if they have a long term future with them or not. I did that after a divorce. Men are very familiar with this, they tend to do it more than women do. Its okay as long as each person tells the other up front before they even go don a date or have sex. I also have no problem with sex before marriage because its the only way to find out if you're compatible in that area. From what you've said, it sounds like you are.

I am going to take a wild guess here. I always tell people that a solid foundation for any relationship is made up of two parts, being each others best friend and being each others sexual equal. Most people only end up with one or the other. So, my guess is that there's a possibility that this girlfriend of a few years is like a best friend to him but you are his best sexual equal. And so he is torn. I know you are not enemies, and are friends, but I saw no mention of anything that relates to just friendship, just the greeting with a kiss, saying I love you and having great sex. What he needs is to find both in just one woman only, the best friend and the lover. Either a couple have the pheremone connection to be lovers or they don't. There is no way to change that. So what he needs to discover is whether he and you could be best of friends. It may be that what he said was his way of hoping to find out what it is you want and see if he should just give the friendship part a much deeper in depth try. But I could be wrong.

The best thing I can share with you which will make this really long is to paste in a document I have on how to find Mr. Right. I understand you feel he may be it, but this teaching will help you to clearly see who is the right one for you and it works also for men trying to settle for one woman.

So I will share that now and if you still have questions, just write me again.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

[view]

so me an my boyfriend are long distance and so this week i said i wanted a break so it started Tuesday night so i texted him Thursday and said it felt like night days and that i miss him then he said your one crazy bitch that took me by shock like i feel its messed up but i also love him to death but should i leave him

Thats entirely up to you whether you leave him or not.

The better question to ask yourself is 'Do I want a man who loses his temper easily and calls me names."

(this is not a one time occurence or a little mistake. Any behavior you see that you don't like always hints at more of the same hidden beneath the surface. But don't take my word for it. Hang out with him some more and enjoy more of the same. My first husband was verbally abusive so I know what I am talking about)

Heres more suggestions: Do I want a guy who doesn't respect me? Do I want a guy I know only through the key board or would I rather have a flesh and blood man I can hug and kiss who treats me like a Queen?


[view]

My friend is struggling with Depression from a long period of time. She at first used to talk a little bit with us, but now at present, she is not even talking to anyone. She is not even getting out of her room. She eats very little. Sometimes, she even skips meals. Can depression lead you to commit suicide? That day, we friends went to visit her. She was at first not coming out of her room. Then we forced her to come out and sit with us. Even after repeatedly asking she didn't tell us anything. She just uttered was, she wants to Commit suicide. She said she can't live her life anymore. Can someone help her? Somebody told to consult the Voyance Direct From Martine Voyance(http://www.martine-voyance.com). Will she help my friend? Need Suggestions and Help.

YEs, depression often leads to suicide.

You didn't mention an age. If she is under 18, her parents need to know so they can get her in touch with professional help. If you don't want to tell her parents, you need to tell a school counselor so they can contact her parents.

If she is older, then suggest she call 911 and talk to someone when she is feeling like commiting suicide and other than that, if in college, talk to and ask for help from college counselors, or if even older, she can go to her family doctor and tell him/her how she's feelings and have them refer her to a professional who deals with depression.

I am going to guess that since she eats very little, that either its one of the symptoms of depression or that her depression comes from her looks and not being happy or thinking she's overweight or will never be pretty enough for guys. Even if she is not anorexic or bulimic, she still needs counseling because right now she isn't able to cope mentally with things that don't bother or depress most people.

[view]

I’m a 13 year old girl and I know I’m over weight but I’m trying really hard to be healthy but it’s really hard when whatever I do my brother calls me a fat ass or some other form of fat shaming and my mom does nothing. I often get in trouble if I say anything about it but I can’t just sit there and let him say those thing to me. Im already very self conscious about my weight and he makes me feel even worse. What can I do to make him stop?!?

Sorry to hear your mom is no help. What about Dad if there is one? If not, the best thing you can do is to not react or show that it hurts.
When people call others names, they do it because to them there is a pay off, something they get out of it. They get temporary enjoyment from making someone else suffer.
So no matter how you feel inside, realize he's the one with the problem and take away his enjoyment by joining in with him. You can try agreeing with him with a smile. Yes, I know I have fat to lose. But that is a change that is possible. Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to change your problem. Give him the same answer every time and mention there's nothing that can help him. But don't try to explain to him unless he gets curious and asks.
Then you can tell him the following: In psychology, its a known fact that a person who already feels low about their self will try to lower how other people feel about themselves in order to feel better. Usually when a male does this, he is trying to overcompensate for having really small genitals and that is what nothing in the world can fix. Then just give a saucy smile and walk away. Try not to do this when Mom is in hearing distance. Even if she does nothing when he says something to you, she might just react to you saying back. Its not fair but not all parents figure out how to do the right thing and its not your job to teach her so make sure she doesn't catch you doing this. Even if your brother is younger than you, not older, he will soon be concerned about how his genitals looks and he will remember what you said.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
humorist-workshop
eXTReMe Tracker