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I'm Not Wrong, Am I?
I have recently made a decision that I feel is right, but I want to know what you all think of it. It's kind of one of those decisions where it feels like no matter what you do, it's wrong.
I have a rather toxic father who I don't have much of a relationship with. He's rude, ill tempered, intimidating, verbally abusive, selfish, thoughtless, and just downright cold. and you can't call him out on anything because he is completely delusional when it comes to his own image of himself.
Ever since he started having grandchildren, he has wanted to become closer with the family. He wants us all to spend more time together, which I suppose is pretty nice, but there's a problem. I feel bad saying this, but I don't want my children turning out anything like him. He has been a bad influence on my nephew, so I feel a need to keep my kids away from him so they won't learn any of his bad habits or behaviors. At the same time, though, I USED to feel that I had to let him around them some because it felt cruel keeping him away from them completely when he wanted so badly to have a relationship with them. However, something has happened that makes me feel that I don't want them around him at all anymore.
Last sunday was Mother's Day and it sucked thanks to my dad. My sister and nephew flew in for the weekend (I still live in my hometown BTW). Long story short, my parents got in an argument over God knows what and my dad just screamed bloody murder at my mom for a large part of our Mother's Day celebration. Now, losing his temper and screaming was on thing, but he also used absolutely filthy language, which makes me angry. I'm sure some people think I'm a total prude, but I despise foul language. It's offensive, it sounds unintelligent and lazy (you don't have or want to get a bigger vocabulary so you just use foul language to express yourself), it sounds trashy, it's a thoughtless and irresponsible thing to do in front of children as it sets a bad example, and it shows a lack of self control.
I DO NOT want my children to learn to use bad language, but my dad lacks so much self control that I don't trust him not to lose his temper and scream despicable language in front of them again. I can't count how many times he used the terms, f---, f---ing, mother f---er, god--mn, bulls--t, and other such words during his diatribe against my mom last sunday. I also can't count how very many times I've heard him call my mom a b--ch. I do not want my sons to learn to talk to women, especially their wives like that nor do I want my daughters to speak like that to their husbands. I don't any of my children to use language like that against anyone ever. It's disgusting.
Aside from the bad language, he also nearly caused a car accident by driving like an idiot because he was angry. He's done that for as long as I can remember, he gets mad and cares about absolutely nothing except venting his anger, not even the safety of his family. I can't tell you how mad this makes me. Driving like that with just me in the car is angering, doing it with my mom in the car is infuriating, but doing it with my children in the car is not something I will tolerate ever again. I am like a momma bear and my children are like my cubs. I am like a momma bear and my children are like my cubs. I am fiercely protective of them. If you put one of my cubs in danger and momma bear WILL make you sorry. I'm about to make my dad sorry by not letting him spend time with my children ever again and definitely not letting them ride in a car with him again, but I'm worried about whether or not that's the right thing to do.
It's not just the foul language and the poor driving. It's also that my dad can be a mean, hateful old man and I don't want to give him the chance to hurt my children the way he's hurt the rest of us. He's verbally abusive. He has a way of making you feel like nothing, making you ashamed of yourself and he absolutely has a way of making you feel like he cares nothing about you and you could die for all he cares. He and I have practically no relationship and I feel miserable when I'm around him.
I know he does care about getting to see my kids, but I've watched him hurt and be a bad influence on my nephew over the years and it makes me feel the need to keep him away from my kids. The momma bear instincts kick in and I feel a need to protect them from him by never letting him anywhere near them every again. They would still get to see my mom as my parents are rarely around each other and they have another gramdpa in their lives who is a wonderful man and a good influence, but I still feel guilty keeping my dad away from them. What are your thoughts on my situation?
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Don't feel guilty you have every right to protect your children from danger and your father is dangerous. From what you have written your father is verbally abusive. Verbal abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. No one should be abused in this manner.
Now he will say something to the fact that you turned out okay and you were raised in his house. You’re not okay; I and my sister were not okay because we were raised in a home with a mentally abusive father. Both of us spent years in therapy to fix what he did to us. I started therapy because I was in an auto accident that forced med to retire early. My therapist saw something or felt I was holding something back. She kept pecking away at it until it all came out one afternoon.
Your responsibility is to protect you children from harm. If that means keeping your children from having a relationship with your father then that's what you do. You’re not alone in doing so Prince William of England does not allow his stepmother to interact with his children and the world knows this.
I do have a suggestion for you. Having gone through therapy and having dealt with what I tucked away so as not to hurt me, I suggest you find a good psychologist and deal with the hurt your father has inflicted on you. I feel much better about myself and I am a better father and husband then I was before I dealt with it.
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You are not wrong in wanting to protect your children. Sometimes your parents/the grandparents to your children may not be good role models and actually be dangerous to their welfare such as the driving angry bit. I don't know what ages the children are but children of all ages copy what they see adults doing. The younger they are, the harder it would be for you to talk to them and use reason. If they are older, you can always have a talk and let them know that their grandfather has an anger problem and never learned to use self control. Let them know that just because he is a grown up, doesnt' mean he is right. Sometimes, you end up with bad parents or grandparents not to learn to be like them but to learn how to avoid that and become better than them, not stooping to their level. Let the kids know that this is why you are choosing to not let them see him or see hi m on very limited basis.
I had to do the hard thing when a daughter was 12 and in tears over how unfairly her dad had treated her. He tried to defend himself in front of a couple of our friends, only making himself look more like a spoiled child. I had to calm my daughter down once Dad left the house and tell her what I just told you. If a child is old enough, they will understand. I later left him and divorced him but at the time, it was what she needed to hear. I don't like to talk bad about family but the truth is the truth so then it becomes important in what tone of voice you share this if you plan to with the kids. Don't show anger, don't yell, just plain and simply share the facts surrounding the grandfather and how what he does is very wrong. If your children are still very young then its best to have no contact. You know your kids maturity best so perhaps they will understand things like this you explain to them better by time they are 9 or 10 or what ever age you feel they will comprehend and not be tempted to copy his bad traits...then allow him to see the kids on a limited basis, only when you are around and only in your home where you can state the rules. You tell Dad he can see the kids if he keeps his anger and foul language in check. If he messes up, you will ask him to leave and if he doesn't you will call the police to remove him at which point you will not allow the kids to see him unless he can tell you he has changed for the better and will behave himself, otherwise, he will never see them again while they are still minors. They can choose whether to see him once they are adults if he lives that long. I know its hard but thats tough love. Good to hear your kids have a mama bear who's really looking after them and cares about the details.
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