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hahahahhahahah i want to die hahahahahah
It's not that I want to die, I'm just tired of living as myself. I don't want this to be some pity party bc trust me, I know how privileged I am. I know how lucky I am to be living in a relatively wealthy household, during a time period and place where girls can go to school and where I can have a future. "future" haha...
I can't imagine a future where I'd be happy. I'm smart and I'd have good college apps so I'd get into some UC schools and maybe even make it to some of the shitty Ivies if I'm lucky. I'd feel just as alone as I do now. Be just as confused. Ok I don't want this to sound like some poor teen girl with no self esteem but WHY THE FUCK DO NO BOYS HAVE ANY INTEREST IN ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Don't give me the "you'll find the right guy when you're older, you'll meet someone blah blah" because no one fucking knows that. There are actually a lot of people who are in their 30s who have never kissed, never had a relationship, and never had sex so yes I can be and likely will be one of those people. I grew up in a traditional household wary of male/female friendships and relationships because the mentality was no sex before marriage and no marriage till after college so be asexual till then! My parents got married really for convenience and never loved each other, still don't love each other. I don't even know what a healthy relationship is tbh. Aight not to sound like a stuck up bitch but I dress cute, I'm quirky, and I go out of my way to be nice to people... but people who are the opposite somehow are less alone than I am??? I'm fucking terrified of intamacy and crave it simultaneously so yeah fucked up yeah i know. Anyways where was I ah yes no future... so I'll be tens of thousands of dollars in debt from student loans. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and I'm supposed to be applying to colleges soon yeah how the fuck am I supposed to know what I want to do "just do whatever subject you like best!" yeah no one "likes" subjects no chemists are fucking excited by the acidity of strong acid titrations okay... people go into fields bc it's what they're good at. I'll probably end up like my mother.. having a degree in some shit I'll end up hating in 10 years. I don't think i'll ever have a family bc id be a shitty mom and i believe ppl who wouldn't be good moms shouldn't have kids just bc they want a family bc quite frankly that is the most selfish and FUCKING STUPID mentality so yeah no family...
I'm always on the outside somehow always on the outside even when I'm not. Sometimes I'll be at a party where I feel welcome but I still just have this giant pit no giant hole in my chest just sucking the happiness from the moment until I'm back on the ground and I don't feel a fucking thing... no more like I feel everything at once.
I don't want to end up like mother. I can see her selfishness or manipulativeness in me sometimes and i just want to carve it out. I feel like even if i escape her in the distance sense once i go to college she'll never really leave me. She'll always be apart of me always be there to remind me what fucked up genes i have or remind me that I'm a selfish wench or that i indeed only think of myself (which i guess is true considering what this entire passage is about) or that ok honestly it doesn't even matter.
At this point i just can't keep being in this fucking body anymore. I just want to fucking drink or smoke or carve myself away but conveniently no one i know sells that shit bc i made the smart decision to keep my childhood friends throughout high school.Don't get me wrong, they're amazing. but one of em has enough shit in her life she has to deal with and both of them aren't the type to party or do any of that "ghetto" stuff.
I have this theory that people who are Loved don't have to be anything else they can just be Loved. For people who aren't we have to be extraordinary to fill the cliche void. I'm tired of trying to be extraordinary. I'm so so tired. I've been it my whole life and only isolated myself from my peers and from the worlds entirety.
I really don't want this to be some pity party but I just don't see how i can ever be happy. I just don't see it.
I know whatever advice ill get will be hotlines or advice to talk to someone well lol if i could talk to someone do you think id be on here? honestly i know whatever advice i get won't help at all bc you can never really get the full picture from one entry and also what insight can strangers have that i couldn't when I'm the one fucking living this mess? alright I'm ready for the incredible bs of answers I'm going to get including cliche you're worth it sayings.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
There is an old saying that says; “You can choose your friends but you can’t choose your relatives.” From what you write you did not win on that point. Killing yourself will not change anything because death is final. The problems you explained can be overcome.
Your parents are not getting along or having the relationship you want? As soon as you turn 18 you are legally and adult and can move out of your parent’s house.
Smart girls will always have trouble with attracting boys. You can have cheerleader looks but if you are the smartest one in class you won’t make the cheerleaders squad or attract boys. High school boys want the dumb blond types they can manipulate into give in them what they crave the most and that is sex. Smart girls are seen as more bookish than promiscuous. Things will change in college as boy’s mature faster and start looking for that girl to bring home to mama. You are that girl and I do not recommend you compromise your principals just to have a high school romance.
What you can do and I suggest you try is approaching a boy you like instead of waiting for him to come to you. It is allowable for a girl to approach a boy. It was once considered being very forward but today it is seen as quite normal and permissible.
No problem is so huge it can’t be overcome. Killing oneself does not fix the problem. You have a whole life ahead of you. I won’t tell you life does not have its’ problems, it does though as I’ve said no problem that can’t be resolved.
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You full of anger at your situation. Unfortunately, it seems you want to just hold on to your anger rather than you choose and do what you can to pick the life you want. I know a person who had a life like you. Actually, it may have been worse if you consider parents not feeding, clothing and always beating the kids. Life was hard when he went out on his own to get away from Hell and wasn't much better for quite some years. I met him when he was a senior citizen and successful business man. But of course, you don't want to hear some one elses story.
So lets get to your story. From what I can tell of what you wrote, it would seem your life so far as been f**ked up by the parents you have. I always tell people that if the two have kids but do not love each other, its better to split and find partners you do love because lack of love is a disservice to kids who learn from and mimic their parents. From what you wrote about sexual taboo's, that reminds me of what I heard often when I used to attend church. Many people swung so far off one end that they too thought sex was wrong in all forms even if they were married! ANd certainly not before marriage. It was my choice to attend church as a teen, my choice to believe sex before marriage was wrong and I marriage a man who was verbally abusive and we didn't ever arouse the other at all sexually. Our libido's and pheromones didn't match at all. So I decided to tell my daughters to 'test drive' any man they met before they committed because the man might not be a sexual match. Hows that for going from no sex before marriage to not wanting my kids to suffer the same. Well, I wasn't going to put up with that forever. Once the kids were grown, I left him and found a wonderful man.
I know you don't want to hear my story but the reason you are hearing all this is because of the point I want to make. Yes, many of us are dealt a bad hand of cards, but it is what we do and choose after that which will determine if we have a life more tolerable with high points we enjoy or whether we give up on life, mope, cry or kill ourselves to cop out the easy way. YEs, I am saying copping out on life is the easy way because life is never guaranteed to be a happy opulent, rich one free of worries. Those are less than 1 percent of the population as far as i am concerned because there is rich and miserable as well and that doesn't count.
I live out of my van with my 2nd husband and am happier than I've ever been in my life as far as being with a partner is concerned. I am grateful for my children and they are the other bright light in my life. People would consider me homeless but I am not willing to work 2 jobs each of us just to be able to afford an apartment. So we only work part time and have lots of time to spend with each other or with family or pursueing whatever hobby we have. Many wouldn't want the life I now live but I embrace it and am happy.
You are seeing your own life from only one point of view. Who says you have to go to college and rack up a bunch of debt? Mike Rowe (actor of dirty jobs) has a foundation for schooling where kids can apply for the tuition of schooling for a trade job. He says trade jobs are being overlooked and are way understaffed because most kids are going to college. I was horrified to read the story of a woman who went to college and paid her own way, is in a high paying job now but extremely poor because she is at age 40 still finishing off paying off school loans and lives in a run down place, can't afford a car and can barely put food on the table. I don't think college is the only answer. As far as all the BS fed to you by your parents, you weren't born being afraid of sex or of finding someone to love. You were taught all that by messed up parents, no matter how much you love them or not, they sure sounded messed up to me. It is unfortunate that kids learn such bad things from parents. But the good news is that whatever has been learned like a bad habit or bad thought pattern can be unlearned.
When you are ready, if ever, to decide to take the reins of your life in your hands and give it a real honest good hard effort to bring it around, then there is hope for you. Because distorted thoughts and thinking can be eliminated giving you a chance to go after what you want in life for yourself. LIfe will always have hardships though, we can't escape that as souls. But I wouldn't want to because just as diamonds require great pressure from the Earth to turn into diamonds in the first place, people also require some pressure from hardships, not to crumble into pieces and give up but to use the challenges to become stronger, become a survivor and then an over comer. Only you can overcome any of your obstacles.
Don't think I have no idea, I raised 3 girls. None dated at all in high school by their choice. So if you need someone to give you positive support verbally, that's me. Just write to me from my column.
Lastly, In this site, we have gotten people who truly are hurting as you say you are or others who make up outrageous stories just to take up our time. So if by chance you are one of those who write a made up story just to get your kicks from our responses, then I hope you also got what you wanted.
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