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Is joining swingers good for a couple?
My boyfriend of few months wants us to join the swingers after I told him (although didn’t mean to) I sometimes imagine 2 guys including him and some stanger to have sex with but I also said I don’t think I can take 2 guys. Since then he keeps asking me tell me about it, tell me how would you like it...that’s how asks. He’s 40 and I’m 39. We’re both very sexual and always horny, I’m always ready when he wants to make love also he loves to talk dirty while we make love, he keeps calling me “naughty” and also “yeah I’m fucking you” during make out but not sure, is it normal? I don’t know but is it ok to join the swingers club for a couple? Also he wants me to try new position on him very encouraging while we watch porn he wants me try few positions so please Dragonflymagic explain all to me, are these all normal for a guy to think like that? Thanks!
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This may be long as I will start with everything you mentioned starting with the title. I was in the swing club scene for a few years myself and so you will have to trust that I share only what I felt or what I saw or experienced, no guessing here.
Is becoming swingers good for a couple? Thats a loaded question and really depends on the couple. There needs to be absolute trust between the two something that is earned over time by each partner consistancy is a preferred behavior. Many times I heard it said that swinging is not going to mend a bad marriage, rather end it sooner and I know it to be true. My marriage wasn't good, but I am not blaming swinging, rather it was part of all the things I needed to experience to know I wanted more out of life than an abusive husband and gaining the balls to leave him. I witnesses many couples that had repeat encounters with my husband and I only for the husband to becme jealous with his wifes attention on my husband or a wife jealous because I sat next to her husband too long while just talking!!! These people did nothing to hide their jealousy and told us they didn't want anything to do with us again.
Jealousy is a given. Its what you do with it, how you personally process it in your brain that will determine if you can handle swinging. Yes, swinging is about sex and thats a good thing for couples who are very sexual and can't get enough but its also about emotions and how you mentally process your experiences. I can't use my ex as the example because I didn't have the depth of love for him as I do my new husband, for me, he is my soul mate. But I can tell you there is no doubt in my mind of his devotion and love for me and that no other woman could take that away. So many can say that but do they have the proof of his consistant actions? I have his actions, what he says, how he reacts. One new years, a couple we knew invited us to go along to a small party. The hostess was single and had one other couple invited who didn't show so it was a small gathering. The hostess quickly got drunk and turned on music wanting to dance. She singled out my husband. Instead of feeling jealous, I felt sorry for him because she wasn't taking no for an answer and kept grabbing and pulling him to the center of the room. What she didn't know is that his slight autism prevents him from being able to enjoy the music and move in time to it. Its too much for him. He looked miserable and pretty much stood in place while she danced around him. Another other woman might have had issues, I instead was laughing. I was secure. Not because she was drunk, but because I know he loves not just me on the outside but he loves my character and soul.
Jealousy is the fear of losing something. And yes, those thoughts would cross my mind. Nasty little thoughts, always sneak up on you. "Look ,see how she forced him to dance and he's doing it, and he wouldn't do that for you" yes, I heard that in my head. Instead of feeling like she was getting something I wasn't and feeling left out, In my head I answered, "For one thing, he is totally miserable and two,, I wouldn't call that dancing and three, I know he can't wait til she's done and he's back sitting beside me.
There were a few singles who attended but a single male could not attend unless an equal balance of single females had signed up to attend. That would be an actual swing club that has its own location. It was hailed the best in the country and from what I heard, others were not patrolled by owners, no bouncers to kick out those who didn't follow the rules. No second chances either. If a woman said no, it meant no and if the guy still tried to even touch her in passing, he was out the door if she complained. I had visited a few other places and they were not as well run and condoms for disease control were not stressed to use. THese clubs are limited to being in major cities or their suburbs. More people just find other couples on Swappernet.
Next, you mentioned only having thoughts about being worked on by 2 or 3 at a time. This normal stuff since our brain is considered our greatest sex organ. However some of the scenerios that played out in our minds can arouse us, some of the situations in real life are anything but pleasant. Women may dream of being raped but would never want to experience it in real life. Its only the situation in her mind that can arouse her. In real life she'd be terrified. I've heard of people who need to feel pain to get aroused, or the bizarre such as pooping on their partner on purpose or throwing up on them. And I have never come across anyone who will admit doing that in real life but will admit to fantasizing about it.
Sometimes a fantasy should remain a fantasy. Its really about determining is yours is a fantasy or a true life wish. It seems your bf took it as being a true wish and wants to make it come true to you.
When you say you don't think you can take two guys, I assume you mean penetration by two at once. Although thats seen lots in porn, I've never seen or heard of anyone doing that. When its two men, or three, you can have two each attending one breast while the other is inside. Thats the most common way more than one man works on a woman at once and is pleasant. However I discovered it was not for me as I focus too much on giving to my partner as I am recieving and part of what is so rewarding to me is the males reactions to what I do. I can't do that when there are 2 or 3 to focus on. Yes, its all supposed to be about the woman taking and not giving but it didn't do anything for me. HOwever, I was up for some fun when a wife went around asking women if they would join her in giving her husband his fantasy for his birthday, three woman all working on his cock at once. I agreed. It was difficult to get our three faces close enough to run our tongues on him at once but we achieved it. Personally, I couldn't see that as very fulfulling but then it wasn't my fantasy and since it was the fantasy in his mind, he probably enjoyed it immensely.
At 40 and 39, thats a very common age for those into swinging. Those who are much younger and still in breeding age, trying to have children will not be on any contraception and wouldn't want the wife to get pregnant. So its when the kids are teens or out of the house that most start going. I saw people in their 50s and 60 and even a few older in 70's but these were not folks needing canes or walkers and still had a sex drive.
Talking dirty during lovemaking is very normal. It is for the benefit of your mind and thoughts. If what you hear from your partner rachets up the strength of your arousal a couple degrees, then its done its job. Sometimes hubby is on the verge but not able to come so I will talk dirty and as he takes in his mind what I just said, that is all the needed extra to push him over. ANd the same works for me. Now if it doesn;t work for you at all for some reason , then there is no reason for him to do so. But you will have to advise your partner of what does help you in situations like this and encourage him to do so.
I have seen enough porn in my life to know its not very real at all compared to real life. YOu two could do way better to cut out porn totally and buy a book on the Kama Sutra and learn to do the positions from the book. Or find videos on classes for raising or directing your sexual energies.
It is normal for a guy to think like that...about talking dirty and new positions, well yeah...men are more visual in sex than women but it doesn't mean she's not normal if she does the same. He's picturing the two of you in new position and that already is enough to arouse him. YOu don't have to be aroused by the same thing in your mind as he is.
As for carrying it out, some positions work for some couples and don't for others. Why? The length of the penis being short vs longer and the females passage naturally tilted differently in her body.
So in truth, I 've found some of those crazy position work only if the guy is long enough to stay in. However if he's too long, it can be uncomfortable to me. Also, some positions do absolutely nothing to me because non of the important points like clit, G spot, A spot are getting enough or the right amount of attention and pressure.
If you decide to go, please keep your mind open to the possibility that swing may end your relationship with him. He is just looking for fun and getting your approval to get away with being in a relationship and still not having to commit to one person for life, just doing the playboy things. I know its been only a few months together for you but this is more something you see with married couples after an average of ten years married. Their relationship is solid enough and they have faced hardships of all sorts without it causeing them to split up. Here I talk of non sexual things, like losing a job, unemployed for a long time, the loss of a child, all things that can make a couple split up rather than find solace in each others arms. You two haven't got that yet. So there is no way to know how getting into swinging will affect you other than both of you temporarily happy with all the extra sex. Personally, I might have enjoyed sex with others but I found people I wanted to do other things with as well and you do sometimes find swingers who will go to see shows together or a movie or even hiking with swinger friends, couples doing something outside of the club or the bedroom together. Sounds like its more his idea than yours. If you dont want to go, don't. If it makes him leave you, its probably for the better. If you do decide to go, you both need to have a safe word or phrase o use when you want to leave for some reason. It could be you get going and then reallize you can't stand the guy you're with or you arrive and haven't taken clothes off yet and get a weird unsettled feeling that something isn't right about your partner or the c ouple. For me it was, Honey, I'm sorry but I have one of my migraines starting. I can't ignore it anymore at this point, could you take me home?" My husband liked it so much he used the same excuse on occasion.
Now the thing here is to picture you saying this to your bf. Will he be upset with you cus he's not going to get the fun he was expecting and try to goad you or push you to stay because he knows it is just an excuse? What if it was real and you were coming d own with the flu feeling queasy? Is his concern going to be more about protecting you, and your feelings and what you may be sensing, and be okay with taking you home even if he doesn't yet know why? YOu can't ask each other in front of the other couple or if you need privacy for a few minutes in another room to talk and then rejoin them as if nothings wrong, they will know something is wrong, especially if they've been swinging for a while. Its get awkward pretty quick when they sense one of you is not willing and the other seems eager to push on and depending on who they are, they may back out or be like the uncaring bf and just say the heck with it and enjoy themselves at your expense.
Lastly one piece of wisdom about what makes for the most secure fulfilling relationships. Theres two things that make up the foundation of any relationship, friendship and lover. If the two can be the best of friends and treat each according with love, care and respect, then no one would be purposely out to hurt the other in words, actions or lack of actions as may be in cases. Also, their sexual bond is a perfect match, having the exact same pheromones and libido's and likes in sexual things. Both are needed to have that great relationship. However a great majority of couples and marriages are one sided having only the great sex or only the best friends but no sexual attraction. Obviously, you have the sex part down. The question is whether the two of you are the best of friends, that dear to each other. Don't be too hasty to pick out a thing or two and say, see ...he and I are best friends. This you will know better in the carrying out of life situations. Lets say you decide you will never go to a swing club. How does he react? Does he get upset and try harder to convince you or is he instantly there for you, reassuring that you don't have to go but wanting to know why so he can learn something more about you in order to always treat you right. If he gets upset, you'd know it was more all about him and his priorities which should be you and your relationship are quite off.
Thats alot but hope its helped you. There's not much benefit other than the maturing possibility for each individual of a couple in swinging. If you have any specific question or scenerio to run past me, just write to me again dear.
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