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good or bad to stay in contact with an ex boyfriend?
hello dragonflymagic,
we're in our 30's, friends for a 1 year and a half, good friends but we dated for 5 months and he decided to call it off because he was stressed but we're still in touch and he comes see me 2 or 3 times a week like he used to when we were dating.
the other day he asked what's your future like, how long are you waiting for, what're you waiting for i need to know and i replied well i don't know but i do love you, he also said he can't keep doing this. i might be wrong but i just feel that he still loves me underneath. he's still passoinate when we make love. when he broke up with me he said he's got family to look after because it's his responsibilty, 2 kids and divorved plus he has a new girlfriend for a few years. i'm painfully hurt though
however, he insisted we should stay in touch so since then we've been messaging. when he come see me he greets me with kiss on the lips and when he leaves too we both say i love you to each other. we make love like we used to still. we both are sexual and love making love. and we do texting as well but not much. now, what do you thnk, dragonflymagic..i dont know but i'm stil in love with him and i love him so much because he's a good hardworking family oriented person. i still believe he wants to get back together one day and loves me still. he did fall for me really hard but then its over now. we just fell in love and didn't plan any of this. do you think we both are horrible people? by the way we both are scorpios. so what do you reckon? why would he want to keep in touch?
thank you dragonflymagic. sorry for my long story though
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Hi dear.
A man doesn't need to stay with an ex wife to take care of his kids. However it will involve child support money he sends to her and maybe alimony and seeing his kids on some weekends. That should not interfere with his getting a new relationship. However you mention a girl friend of a few years and there is the problem. I am not saying that when someone is seeking a person to date that they will try out anyone that will go out with them until they feel they have found someone worth the time to get to know even better and at this point, seeing only that person until they have decided if they have a long term future with them or not. I did that after a divorce. Men are very familiar with this, they tend to do it more than women do. Its okay as long as each person tells the other up front before they even go don a date or have sex. I also have no problem with sex before marriage because its the only way to find out if you're compatible in that area. From what you've said, it sounds like you are.
I am going to take a wild guess here. I always tell people that a solid foundation for any relationship is made up of two parts, being each others best friend and being each others sexual equal. Most people only end up with one or the other. So, my guess is that there's a possibility that this girlfriend of a few years is like a best friend to him but you are his best sexual equal. And so he is torn. I know you are not enemies, and are friends, but I saw no mention of anything that relates to just friendship, just the greeting with a kiss, saying I love you and having great sex. What he needs is to find both in just one woman only, the best friend and the lover. Either a couple have the pheremone connection to be lovers or they don't. There is no way to change that. So what he needs to discover is whether he and you could be best of friends. It may be that what he said was his way of hoping to find out what it is you want and see if he should just give the friendship part a much deeper in depth try. But I could be wrong.
The best thing I can share with you which will make this really long is to paste in a document I have on how to find Mr. Right. I understand you feel he may be it, but this teaching will help you to clearly see who is the right one for you and it works also for men trying to settle for one woman.
So I will share that now and if you still have questions, just write me again.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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