Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda! E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com Gender: Female Location: Manitoba, Canada Occupation: student Age: 34 Member Since: April 9, 2006 Answers: 193 Last Update: October 5, 2006 Visitors: 21108
Main Categories: General Sex Questions Mental health Families View All
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I'm female, and 18 years old.
My last period finished around the 30th March. A little over two weeks after that I became sexually active for the first time with my boyfriend - I'm still a virgin, but during that time we basically did everything bar actual sex (oral and 'hand jobs', both giving and recieving). We were careful - we made sure there was never any actual genital contact; most of the time at least one of us was wearing underwear, and on the couple of occasions that this was not the case, as I said, we made sure to keep a distance. Before we went to sleep, we definitely made sure that at least one of us was wearing underwear, to make sure there was no accidental contact when we slept.
My periods, annoyingly enough, have always been irregular, and it's actually pretty normal for me to go for a couple of months without actually having a period (sometimes I even experience PMS and cramps without actually having one until the next month, which can be particularly irritating)! So, normally I wouldn't be at all worried about the fact that I'm late, if it weren't for the aforementioned sexual activity. I haven't experienced any symptons of pregnancy, though I know that these vary from woman to woman, and I'd only be three or four weeks into it if I was anyway, but I am somewhat concerned.
My hymen is intact - is it even possible to get get pregnant if this is the case? (if only sex education were better in British schools, then I'm sure I'd know this..)
Help? (link)
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Hi
I have answered questions like this many times, but I feel the need to get the knowledge out there.
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex! I know this is hard to believe, and although very unlikely, it is possible.
Anytime you involve yourself in sexual activity, you take the chance of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI.
Chances are, you aren't pregnant, but please always be careful.
Take care,
Brenda
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Okay...
My friend had sex last wednesday and when she was done she went home and couldn't sleep. She felt sick, looked horrible, and even started bleeding (she didn't tell me when, though) so we skipped school on thursday to talk and see what was up. She tried to eat and she threw up. She's still bleeding, feeling sick, and everything she eats she throws back up again. Any idea of what's wrong? (link)
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Hi
Was that the first time she had sex? If the answer is yes, then she could be having some psychological issues surrounding losing her virginity.
If the answer is no, then honestly I'm not sure. Regardless, she needs to get to a doctor. It could be just coincidence that she got her period, and a touch of the flu at the same time, but I wouldn't risk it. Doctor knows best :)
Brenda
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15/f
Okayy there is this kid. We have only met like once or twice, but we talk online all the time. I know he likes me but I dont really like him like that. Then one day he asked me how far i had gone with a guy and I told him I had never even had a boyfriend. Ever sence I told him that he hasnt talked to me sence(its been like a week). I dont really mind because I didnt like him/know him that much anyway. But my question was do you think that the fact that I have never had a boyfriend make guys less attracted to me? (link)
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Hi
The kind of guys that would find you less attractive because you have never had a boyfriend, are the kind of guys that you want to stay far, far away from.
What's going through his mind may be...she's never had a boyfriend, which means she's never had sex, which means, I don't want anything to do with her!! Can we say "PIG"?
Trust me, you don't want anything to do with someone like that. A relationship is SO much more than just sex, and as you mature you will see that.
The time will come when you will find a boyfriend, who will not only find you attractive, but will love to talk to you, spend time with you, be your friend (as well as your boyfriend), share special moments with. A REAL relationship.
Life is too short to care what piggish boys/men think. Respect yourself, set your standards high, and a boy out there will notice you, and want to know more.
Take care,
Brenda
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guys you gotta help me here!
My brother had always been a very popular, very colourful, very fun outspoken person..
But yesterday, he came home..and went straight to bed (if you knew my brother you'd know there's definitely something wrong!) So I went in to his room, and he was asleep, and you could see that his pillow was wet from crying. But i decided he needed to go through it on his own. It would go over. But today he came home and did the same exact thing, so I went in to his room, and asked him about it (and he know's he can trust me, we usually tell eachother everything!) (by the way, I'm 15/f he's 13/m) and he just said "nothing, I'm tired" bt I wouldn't let go, and kept asking, telling him whatever it is, I'm here for him, I love him, he can trust me..and so on, and he just started crying, but wouldn't tell me, so I stayed for an hour in his room, next to him, and he wouldn't stop crying! He just started crying more and more, until he lost his breath. I'M SO WORRIED!! We both jst ended up sitting there crying..and I don't klnow what it could be, he usually tells me about his friend-problems, gf-problems, and I already know about all the family problems (trust me, our family is the family from HELL) but idk, what could it be? Why do you think he suddenly won't tell me what's going on with his life? What can I do to help him? Or to get him to open up?
Please help me, thank you! (link)
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Hi
Wow....what a great sister you are!!! It's so nice that you and your brother are close, especially since your family life is so difficult.
You can't force him to tell you what's going on, but I'd wager a bet that in time he will open up.
He knows you are there for him, and that you want to help, and that is so important.
Maybe he's embarrased to tell you, or scared you won't understand. Maybe it's something so private that he just can't talk about it at this point.
Just keep being the great big sister that you are, and he will confide in you eventually.
Take care,
Brenda
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Okay here is my story ...
I'm 23 and I live with my bf ...I never had a real bf before so all this is kinda new for me..
I did'nt know what sex was and he taught me ..everything was going great but I still hold back ..he does a great job ..he turns me on and everything..I feel great when we have sex but my problem is I don't feel the need to do sex although it's great ..I just never ask him to do sex he is the one who always has to ask ..I never do it or sometimes I just don't feel like it
Last night I asked him how he thinks our sex life is going ..he said to me that it was going great but that I have to do more..... like ask him more often to have sex ..losen up more etc etc
Help me I don't want to lose this guy he is the best but I cann't help it ..whatever I do I keep holding back .,.....
I don't have nobody to talk to ...My mom left us sins we were 12 so as you understand sins than I have been anwsering my own questions but this is one question I can't answer that's why I need help.....
thx
(link)
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Hi
Life is full of couples who have sex drives which do not match. It's very rare to find a couple who have matching sex drives.
Nine times out of ten, it is the woman who has a lower sex drive.
It sounds like your boyfriend is somewhat understanding when it comes to your feelings, but I think the two of you need to talk.
Open communication is so important. You not wanting to have sex with him as much as he does, really has nothing to do with him. It has to do with that fact that you are just not in the mood.
My husband and I are kinda like that. I swear he would have sex three times a day, and me, not so much :) We have a very good marriage with open communication, so he knows that I am very much in love with him, I am physically attracted to him, I do want him....just not as often as he would like.
Experimentation is also a fun way you can spice up a not so hot sex life. Talk about things you would both like to do....but never do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Good luck to you, take care.
Brenda
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14/male.
I have crush on this beautiful, smart, funny and great girl. I've (sort of) asked her on dates before - we went to the movies. It was kind of a bad time, because she brought about 5 friends, and it was if I wasn't even there. I just kind of hung around the entire time and didn't even talk to her.
There's a school dance tomorrow. I asked her if she was going to go and she said yes. So we're both going. I want to ask her to basically be my girlfriend...but I have no idea what to say, and I'm really afraid of rejection. What do I do?
(link)
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Hi
It's only natural to be afraid of rejection. We all are to a certain degree. I mean lets face it, being rejected hurts.
Now, with that being said, if you don't tell her you're interested in her as more than a friend, how is she supposed to know?
You could go your entire life losing out on relationships because your fear of rejection stops you from stating how you feel.
Take a deep breath and just go for it!!! If she says no, then you can move on, instead of wasting more time wondering if you guys could have something together. If she says yes, then life will be good.
Brenda
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Well, I've been with my boyfriend for a little over four months, but I feel like we are drifting apart. The other guy I've liked but he's always had a girlfriend when I wanted to date him, I have the chance to be with him now, but I've got my boyfriend. I'm confussed weather I should stay with my boyfriend and see if things get better or end it and go for the other guy? (link)
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Hi
I think the reason you and your boyfriend are drifting apart is because your heart is truly not in the relationship.
Life is far too short to be in a relationship that does not make you happy, or you question whether you should be with this person.
If you really wanted to be with your boyfriend, you wouldn't be questioning your intents.
I think you want to be with the other guy, and that is why you have your doubts about where you are right now.
Have a talk with your boyfriend, and get things out in the open....follow your heart!
Brenda
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i live in a racist family. i am not racist though. i have some black, asian, and indian friends also. they dont make comments in public, but in the privacy of our home. it truely bothers me when they say something mean and we've had arguements about this many times. my parents think its ok to talk trash about people if they're not there to hear it. i hate them for that. whenever i talk about my friends they joke around and tell me that if they come over they'll steal something of ours. i just want them to knock it off. if i try talking about it, they'll laugh at me like im kidding. they even tease me about having friends like that. one time i went out with a really nice asian guy and my brother kept going on and on. its so annoying. how can i tell them that its not fair to treat people this way? (link)
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Hi
Unfortunately the world is filled with people who think if someone looks different than them (race or personal appearance), has beliefs different than them, or has a disability, then they are not worthy of being considered a good person who can contribute to society.
These people, unfortunately are VERY unlikely to change. Racist people have a very closed mind, and are usually quite insecure within themselves.
The fact that you can rise above your family's predjudism and continue to have an open mind should be commended!!!
If you are in a situation where the conversation turns ugly, then just get up and walk away. I think your family will eventually get the point that you are not interested in joining in on their "human bashing".
You can tell them till you're blue in the face that you disagree, but you're wasting your breath. Just remove yourself from the conversation.
Always remember that you are the better person. Good for you!!!
Brenda
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well i have a bset friend and we have so many things to laugh about and everything! i'm the only person who thinks she's funny cause the others just think she's hyper and silly but i like her =) so yeah she's in 5th grade i'm in 7th grade and i also dont mind about that =) so yeah we only see eachother in the bus and we used to say hello in school (i'm going to a school where they teach 1-12 grade in one building) and she always saved me a seet in the bus ans she still does..ok now i'll get to the point.. lately she starts hanging around with this girl in 3th grade and only talkes to her on the bus and she saves me a seet but julie (thats the girl) can sit right next to her and then they talk and everything and julie never laughs at her jokes so i really dont get it! and now we this really sucks! and i dont wanna loose her cause she the only friend i have in this school....please help! (link)
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Hi
Just keep showing her that you are there for her, and still want to be her friend.
It's totally natural for people to seek out friends, and it's ok to have more than one friend. Just because she's friends with Julie, doesn't mean she can't still be friends with you too.
Right now Julie is the "new" friend, and maybe your friend is just caught up in the new friendship.
Give her a bit of time, and she will come around and realize that you are the friend that is there for her, and you are the one that she can act like herself around, and you accept her for her.
Take care, and it would be nice if everyone had a friend like you!
Brenda
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i had my 13 birthday 1 and a half months ago and my mom threw me a big party where me and my boyfriend slept together for the first time after being together nearly 2 years. after that we agreed not to do it again for a while 'cos i didnt felt ready, i missed my period so i took a pregnancy test and it was posative! i have told him (he is almost 15) and he says he will stand by me what ever i choose but i am so affraid. i feel helpless, please help me :( (link)
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Hi
I think you have more options than just abortion. There's always adoption, or consider asking a family memeber to raise the baby until you are able to.
Regardless, you need to tell your mom. I know the thought of it scares the hell out of you, but you need her help.
She may be more understanding than you think. And her response to you could help lead you in the direction that you need to take.
It's really quite sad that you got pregnant...I mean, you're just a baby yourself. I'm sure you don't need me to lecture you on birth control and STD awareness, but it's something that you obviously didn't consider when you decided to have sex at such a young age.
Good luck to you...and remember...do what's right for you and your baby. The more support you can get, the better you will be able to handle what outcome your life will have.
Brenda
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In my P.E. class, we're playing volleytennis and I'm not athletic at all. the problem is that I have a hard time hitting the ball over the net and I always screw up. so my partner who is always fustrated with me keeps complaining to everyone about me saying shes so stupid and lazy and she can't even play at all. No matter how much I try, I'll never get better. How should I deal with this? (link)
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Hi
Maybe you could ask your P.E. teacher if you could trade partners.
Once you both find partners who are better matched to each of you, the learning experience will become more fun.
If that doesn't work, then maybe you should have a chat with your partner, and tell her that you are trying your best, and you'd really appreciate her backing off!!
Good luck, and always remember...as long as you are trying your best, then that's all you can do...and have fun!!
Brenda
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i was rapped--twice.and i was telling my cousin about it (online) and her sn is sord of like this perverted (but we were cool) kids sn..and i ACCIDENTALY IMed him insted of my cousin..so he knows all about my rape. he now hates me..and i tried talkin to him but hes being rude and wont talk to me and if he does its an insult. then he IMed me and was like,"im ganna tell everyone" and went on his away message and it said " (my name) GOT RAPED!"im soo upset..my friend offered for her bf to beat him up..but hes not answering his phone or anything.. (2 people know about the rape)..WHAT SHOULD I DO??!!
anything will help at this point
love always and forever
sam (link)
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Hi Sam
What a complete jerk!!!!! I'm not sure what sn stands for, but I'm assuming he's family?
I think the best thing you can do, is try to ignore him. Hopefully if you don't respond to him, or let him get a rise out of you, he will get bored with it and leave you alone.
I've been through rape, so I know how fragile your mind is at this point. The last thing you need is ANYBODY actually teasing you and making fun of such a tragedy.
Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you hurt by this.
Assholes like that will get theirs in the end. What comes around goes around.
Take care, and try to keep your head held high!
Brenda
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15 / F _ okay so i started going out with this guy a couple days ago && i really like him nd all ;; but it doesn`t really feel rite && i don`t think i`m ready for another relationship yett because me and my ex broke up about a week or 2 ago && i know i`m still in love with him ,, he was the 1st and only guyy i fell in love with .. and he still likes // loves me too ,, but i don`t want to wait around for him for _ ever yah know ,, but idk what to do .. (link)
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Hi
To be fair to everyone involved, I think you need to be single for the time being.
If you're involved with your new boyfriend for the wrong reasons, then you are going to end up hurting him, and he doesn't deserve that.
If you ex-boyfriend still loves you, then why do you have to wait around for him? I guess that kind of confuses me.
If your ex isn't ready to get back together, then by all means, you shouldn't "wait around" for him, but with that being said, you shouldn't be with someone else if you're not ready.
Wait until you can be with someone (no matter who that is) that you know you truly want to be with, and not just someone who is helping you pass the time.
Take care,
Brenda
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. He's going away to college this fall, two and a half hours away. We've been apart for a three months, that's it and it was very hard. He says he's going to try to come home every weekend or at least every other weekend. We've started talking about it, and the only thing we have decided on is to attempt staying together, but we're both afraid of it hurting too much. I tell him that I'm still going to be in the same boring town, with no new people, he's the one going to a completely different place (but it's an automotive college, so not a lot of girls), then he pulls out of card of me going to college in a year, but I'll be going somewhere only 45 minutes away from our home town. What can I do to relax about him going away and keep the person that I love more than anything???? (link)
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Hi
Long distance relationships are so hard. They really do test how strong the relationship is, and what obstacles you can overcome.
If you and your boyfriend are truly meant to be together, then nothing, not even being away from each other will destroy your relationship.
I'm certainly not saying that it will be easy. You both will feel lonely, you both will have days where you think you should just give up, and you both can use this to make your relationship stronger.
In order to relax while he is gone, you need to trust in your love, and know that this is not forever. Before you know it, you will be back together all the time.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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My husband and I have been married almost 2 years.(A shotgun wedding) After relocating to his hometown, faraway from my own, he recently told me that he is not ready to be a "family". He takes care of our 1 year old son, but he doesn't want to be a husband anymore. He really did try for a long time. We were supposed to buy a house and I was going to take care of our baby and go to school part time. He said he will still support us financially and get a house for us to live in, which he will not stay at. What should I do?
(link)
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Hi
I think you should realize that you need and deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you!
Life is far too short to settle for someone who doesn't make you happy.
You have a son that you need to take care of (as does your husband), but that doesn't mean that the two of you have to be husband and wife.
Honestly, I think that you need to support yourself and your son (with the aid of child support of course), and move on.
I can pretty much guarantee you that if you stay with your husband "just because" then you will be lonely, hurt, and miserable. That's not good for you, or your son.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Hi all I am 28 years old and I have a daughter who is going to be 9 this year and she has been asking me how babies get into the tummy and what pads are for and I am having truble getting the right way to say it...As I dont remember my mom talking to me about it...But I wont to be the one to tell her so she will be able to talk to me about anything....I was not comfertable talking to my mom and I wont my daughter to be able to talk to me.......if anyone could help me please do.thanks (link)
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Hi
It's funny...my daughter is nine years old too, and I just finished having that exact talk with her.
She is old enough to hear the truth. At this age, if you sugar coat it, it's not going to do any good.
Even though my daughter looked at me like I was from another planet, I told her how a girl becomes pregnant. I figure, I want her to know, so she can take the appropriate steps to protect herself in the future.
As for the pads...I also explained to my daughter about periods, and although she was a little horrified to find out that women "bleed", she understood. Now she will be ready for her first period.
I'm like you....I want my daughter to be able to talk to me about ANYTHING, and being open and honest with her about life's little mysteries is the first step to open communication.
Good luck,
Brenda
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I have an important question. I get cramps so bad that I sometimes stay home from school, as i am right now. is that a serious problem? (link)
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Hi
I have good news, and bad news. Good news....it is not a serious problem. Bad news....you'll likely always suffer from severe menstrual cramps.
I was/am exactly like you. My cramps were so bad, that I felt like I couldn't move. I went to my doctor (which you should do, just to be on the safe side), and she told me that some girls are just unlucky and have to deal with alot of pain.
She did give me a few options. Being on the birth control pill helps alot. When on the pill you don't have a "real" period, therefore the pain isn't as bad. There are also some prescription meds that can help minimize the pain.
I really noticed an improvement after having a baby. Now, I'm certainly not suggesting that you do this, but it's just hope for the future :)
Try putting a heating pad on your stomach...that helps me.
Take care,
Brenda
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Dear Brenda,
Your speel about your life was great until you mentioned the new husbands ex spouse. If you were a decent human yourself and able to give advice to others,you would not put down the other parent. As you should know yourself the other parent should never be put down. I think this should be deleted if you are going to give advice. My ex is not a very nice man but I dare not put him down to no one not even his new wife. I must be the better person.I have read your answers and you never blame someone of abuse until you know for sure.Please clean up your column and life before giving poor advice.
(link)
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Hi
You have no right to judge my life or what advice I give to others. If you don't want my advice then don't ask for it.
My husbands ex-wife and her new husband are both child abusers, who are wrecking the lives of my two step kids. Child protection services are involved, as well as the police, lawyers, and courts.
The children come to us bruised and beaten every week, so don't tell me not to "put down" their mother.
I never say anything about her infront of the children...they have come to their own conclusions.
Does your ex lock your kids in the basement? Does your ex beat your kids up? Does your ex have restraining orders against him?
I AM the better person, and I AM a very decent human being, because I, along with my husband provide a safe and healthy environment for his two kids, as well as my own.
I will not be changing my column, as I have helped many people, and will continue to do so.
Brenda
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i really like this guy and i already went out with him once, we were going away for summer and so we decided to end it. He liked me again after summer but i didn't really like him so i didn't go out with him then, now i really like him and i dont think that he likes me. I have thrity days to "get him to like me" (dont ask, lol) and i dont know what to do lol.
Please Help!!!!
i rate 5's for REAL answers!!!!
~cOnFuSeD (link)
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Hi
Unfortuntetly you can't "make" someone like you. Life would be so much easier if you could :)
The thing is...if you have dated in the past, then there are likely still feelings on both your parts.
You need to make him aware of your feelings. If you don't, then he will never know. If you tell him you are still interested, then maybe you guys could have a chance to be together again.
Step up to the plate, show your feelings, and go from there.
Good luck,
Brenda
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I'm going to get tested for STIs/STDs with my boyfriend. He's my first sexual partner, so if I have anything it would be from him. He has been sexually active for several years though, and about 4 years ago he had unprotected sex with 2 successive girlfriends, who he thinks may have been quite promiscuous.
So, there's a chance he could have something that hasn't shown up yet, i.e. HIV (I heard it can take up to 10 years to show).
If he has HIV and has passed it to me, I'd really rather not know as I think it would be the end of our relationship, and he is my absoloute soulmate.
So, my question is, if we both have HIV does it matter if we sleep together - it won't make it any worse surely? (link)
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Hi
First of all...good for you for taking the steps to get tested!!! Alot of people don't.
If you do have HIV (which I truly hope you don't), then you need to know. Refusing to find out is surely a death sentence for you, and possibly other people who you may have contact with down the road.
Treatment for HIV has come a long way, and people can still live long, productive lives while fighting this disease.
Why do you think it would be the end of your relationship? If you truly are soul mates, then you will be able to work through this.
If you both have HIV, then sleeping together won't make it any worse, but you need to know, to protect yourself and others down the road.
With all this being said, wait till you get the test results back and if you do have any STD's, then your doctor is the best person to give you any kind of advice.
Take care,
Brenda
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