BitsandPieces's advice column

askBitsandPieces

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: oK, we have been married for 10 years, i have this problem with my wife. i do not say anything about when she goes places and does things with others, but everytime i find a male friend or anything she doesn't say anything to me but, actions are louder than words. she tends to distance herself from me and acts like she is pissed off and mad at me when we do something and i try not to do it on her time. Example. my wife had to go to work so my male friend and his girlfriend wanted to come over and eat pizza and have a beer after the kids when to bed. they were not even at my house 2 hours. everytime someone pulls in my driveway her sister and mother is texting her telling my wife that someone came over or whatever. Next thing you know, me and my wife that were getting along fine, she is ignoring me and haven't talk to me in like 2 days and didn't come to bed when she got home. I feel like she doesn't want me to have a life. i don't feel like i have done anything wrong. when i ask her what is wrong she just makes up something like, oh im jus tired, or ive got alot on my mind right now. i asked her if there was something i could help her with and she says no. so i tried getting mad at her when she did something with her friends, and that didn't work either, she did the same thing she just got pissed off because i said something about her doing something... what do i do?

Okay so this is something that is between you two, but it is hard for you to define exactly what it is and why. It is almost impossible to fix a problem that does not exist...at least one that does not exist for both people who are willing to admit what it is. I would try a different approach than you have been using, since what you have done is clearly not producing results. Do not let her pull you into game playing and getting mad. Do not let her manipulate you with her moodiness...that is passive-aggressive and not healthy. Be direct and honest about your feelings. Use "I feel..." statements that are about how you feel and not about blaming her for anything. Do this consistently. Ask her how she feels specifically when you have friends over and specifically what she does and does not like about it. This may help to clue her into her own feelings...which may have been confusing to her as well, making her even more frustrated. You two will work together and not against each other to figure this out. This is not the worst thing you could be dealing with, so take a deep breath and relax into that truth. Get to know the feelings and the rest will fall into place. The problem is not you having friendships, but something that comes up in between you two when you do have them. This is what you both will work on together.

Q: 36/m

Briefly, the facts of my situation are as follows:

I had an emotional affair. It was a long-distance matter between me and a woman I used to know before I met my wife. When my wife began to realize what was going on (and it didn't take her long, because I'm lousy at keeping secrets and she's very perceptive) I ended it, and told my affair partner that I would not be contacting her again. I meant it, too.

That might have been the end of it, but a couple of days ago my wife looked into my e-mail account and discovered everything had been going on - things that she had not been aware of and which I had not intended to tell her. To make a long story short, the nature of the affair had turned sexual, and there were E-mails sent back and forth where we described that sort of thing in detail. There were confessions of love from both sides, and intimate revelations of other sorts. There were also plans for us to try to get together sometime soon (plans which I aborted before my wife even found out about anything, because I came to my senses about that much at least). I was lying to my wife about all of these things, and now those lies are fully exposed.

Of course, my wife is furious and terribly hurt, and she is considering ending our marriage.

I am deeply remorseful of what I've done. Right now I can barely look my wife in the eye, because I am so ashamed of myself. I think I might take my own life if I didn't know that it would only make things worse for my wife and child (for now, my child remains unaware of anything wrong, that goodness for that).

I know that I committed a terrible wrong, and I want to make amends and repair my marriage. I need advice on how to do that. I am willing to do literally whatever it takes to make things right again. I want to change myself so that I will be a better man, someone she deserves to have for a husband, instead of the lying cheater that I have proven to be.

Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do or say to convince her that my intentions are sincere, that I truly am sorry, and that it absolutely will not happen again? Are there any of you out there who have gone through this on either end and might have some advice for what I can do now? And can anyone give me some idea on how I can work to improve myself and my own personal integrity so that this doesn't happen again?

I ask only that responders refrain from slamming me down regarding my wrongful actions - nothing that anyone can say will make me feel worse about it than I already do, so to harp on that will be pointless. Please, just tell me what I can do now.

Counseling immediately for you...by yourself and couples counseling in addition to your own therapy when and if your wife is willing.
Of course your wife wants to end this marriage, what else would you think? You can't break the trust and cheat and lie and expect her to get over it. Give her time...lots and lots of it and do not defend your actions to her. Just let her vent until she is done and be willing to take it like a man. You have a child together? Don't even think about walking away from this mess you have made in any way and abandoning this family. Get into therapy and give your wife time to heal. You will only be trusted when you prove yourself over time and earn it back. Don't look for shortcuts, this is your bad, and you will have to take the long road home. Integrity is something that you build from within by making the right choices everyday...when no one is watching. Start today.

Q: I am dealing with a huge weigh on my shoulders. Last year I went through the hardest time of my life. I had been with my ex-boyfriend on and off for almost a year and a half. He moved away for school but we hook up when he would come home. I ended up pregnant and he made me feel like there was no way to keep the baby. I was in a horrible state with my hormones running wild and all the added stress of school. I was 2 months away from receiving degree. But I knew it was going against everything I believe in.

I feel totally depressed. Its been a year and I still have the pregnancy weight, I feel totally guilty for what I did. It kills me inside to think about what I did. I have no one to talk to because its such a sensitive issue. My friends haven't been through this and I dont want to dwell my issues on them. I lost all my confidence i feel fat and ugly because of what I did. I dont know what to do anymore. I feel totally alone :*(

Life is not perfect...far from it, and humans are not either. Forgive yourself for not having all the answers and for not being ready to be a parent. It is okay that you chose abortion. You did nothing wrong. The only bad part was that you were pressured by your boyfriend. Have you talked to your parents or any family about it? How about a counselor at a clinic, or school? You will pick yourself up and achieve what you want to in life...just believe you will and that you are worth it. You will get that degree! You will also lose the weight and feel good about yourself again. Start doing some things just for you and get some positive people in your life to support you and your new goals. This was a temporary setback, and you will get through it. You did something that was hard, but not horrible. You took responsibility for making the decision with your body and life...the pregnancy ended, but a pregnancy is not a baby. You will start to heal when you realize that your decision may have been the best choice for you at the time. God bless you on your journey.

Q: my boyfriend(26) of 7 months recently broke up with me(also 26).i thought everything was great between us until about a month ago he said he thought he was depressed and hates his job.i tried to help him through it, but got dumped in the end. he wouldn't even sit down and talk face to face with me. now he is texting me saying things like: i'm so sorry, i wish it could be how it was, maybe in another time or place, please accept my apology, i'm sorry for how i handled the situation, i'm sorry how it turned out,etc.....i also found out he signed up for online sites where people are just looking for sex. i'm so disgusted and disappointed.i know i need to forget about him and move on.i just feel so deceived by him, when i once thought he was so wonderful. i want a better understanding why he would do those things and if he was pretending to be someone else while we were together but now this is who he really is. its all very confusing and disappointing.

You will get through this. It is perfectly normal to be confused and disappointed. Your ex-boyfriend is very troubled and you probably still don't know the half of it. He is sorry, and that is fine, but it does not change anything. His problems are his personal issues and no one but he can work on them. I would focus on taking care of yourself, including std testing if you think he may have been having random sex. Your disgust will eventually melt into pity for him, and you will move on and be glad you did. It really could be worse..I hear lots of these things and some women are married with kids by the time they find stuff like this out. You are not stuck...thank the heavens and your freedom to move on with your life. He only took 7 months...that really is nothing, chalk it up to experience!

Q:
She is my best friend, she is the first person I fell in love with. The first girl crush, I never had a crush before and it is a girl!? That’s when I found out I am bi sexual…I still like men because of the body…but I want her. I explain to her about my sexuality and that I have feelings for her. But she see’s me as a friend and she is just unsure of her sexuality. I cope with the fact that I have to move on but I can’t, I thinking about why I love her, why do I want her and why I can’t get over her. And the answers are because she inspires me, when I pleasure myself I think of men the whole time but then her image pop in my mind. I curse and look at a picture of a man to get her out of my mind. I still think of him but when I am done I think of her, I think about her night and day for 8 years of knowing her. Why do I image having sex with a man but then after I am done I think of her?
I want to get over her!

Sexuality is just one expression of your humanity. Our various needs and emotions will affect sexual desire and these can change over time to an extent. You may be bisexual..some people believe we are all bisexual to a degree if we admit it. Who knows? There are others who claim falling for a person has no bounds to their gender. You may really love her because she is your best friend and these feelings are warm and safe and feel good. You may be transferring or trying to transfer these feelings to the man with whom you wish was making you feel this way. Often we try to mesh different parts of people to get a complete package. This is unrealistic, and leaves us more disappointed. No one whether man or woman is a complete package. No one actually can complete us. Everyone is imperfect and will disappoint eventually. That is love and life and what it is to be human. Human love can actually become stronger and more meaningful in embracing this truth and accepting weakness. Love her for who she is and accept her for what she is not. She will never be everything to you and that is okay. A man may never be everything to you either. We are meant to have many friends in our lives...maybe many lovers over time. Embrace each for who they are and what they alone offer.

Q: Say someone confessed to another person that they accidently killed someone 7 years ago and then covered it up so it looked accidental. Is there a way in the court of law that could prove the crime? without actual proof, just confession to one person?

The truth comes out eventually...This is simply a matter of fighting the truth or submitting to it. Fighting is sometimes more exhausting and robbing of your life and freedom, then owning up to your actual mistake. Encourage your friend to find peace in the truth, before it catches up with him. Better to control the confession and get mercy, than be discovered still covering it up and be judged. A heavy guilty heart is its own prison. There is freedom in the truth.

Q: Okay, so I am a freshman and deciding what to take as a sophmore. I want to be an author when I grow up. I am deciding whether to take AP Euro- which I would have to take early in the morning before school starts or Spanish 3-4 (which is spanish 3 and 4 combined and its advanced) some pros and cons about each are that AP Euro (is an AP class) adds a point to GPA, but I would have to get up really early. It also has a realllllyyyyy nice teacher that I heard is very understanding, but I don't want to be overburdened by work because I have other stuff to do after school too. Spanish 3-4 would help me speak fluently, but then again I would have to take AP spanish 5 as a Junior and maybe AP spanish 6 as a senior (which might be kinda hard). I am soooo stuck! I can't decide. I could take one or the other, both, or none. (preferably not none though) :) thanks for the help!!

Spanish is really a smart way to go. Being bilingual will help you no matter what you do in the future. Take it one semester at a time or year at a time and don't fret about two years from now. Don't burn yourself out, just keep it steady and focused. You obviously have a good head on your shoulders, so just stay balanced.

Q: well, i am 23 , he is 28. We've met 4 years ago, got married; however I 've noticed and people told me that he likes to pay attention to the girls who are 15-16 years old, especially thing that turns him on is a school uniforms ( we talked about that). So i decided make him happy, bought uniform, weared that and yes, he was excited. However! Not at the wedding night, not at the anyother time he never get intimate with me unless i start the game and will play hard . And of course, what I do in this game just trying to make him happy and it works.However what about me? Yes, people say I am pretty : blond, blue eyes, slim and fit, but by living together, without any affection my selfesteem dropped so much, i do not feel beutiful myself, however i really trying to make our intimate lived interesting, always comin up with something fun and romantic, but it not working. I never had an orgasm in my life and he not really care. He just keeping looking at the internet pictures at teenagers, he is 28! believe or not , at 23 i am feeling too old for him. Is it normal? How can I change? /tried to talk to him so many times, even i've got depression because of that, he still not really care. What can i do?

Yes, I agree with the previous advice. This is his sexual problem. You will continue to suffer if you stay with him and don't get any help. He is very selfish and concerned about only his own gratification. Now for the other part...it is good news and bad news. YOU are not a victim here unless you choose to be from this point on. People do not change...they can grow if they want to with work, but basic personality, needs, strengths and weaknesses do not change. He will not change for you no matter how long you waste away trying to be perfect for him...he won't appreciate your effort..he is only a taker. You my dear have the power to walk away and find someone better for you. Someone you deserve and someone who wants to be a giver in an equal relationship. However, you will most likely still be attracted to takers, so get counseling and learn why and how you can overcome this. You are so young and your life has barely begun...you will be so happy to be free of him when you find the courage to do so. Don't waste yourself trying to win someone's love who only love's himself.

Q: okay so i know this is a wierd question

but i dont have many guy friends and i dont really know how to meet some

i dont know how to explain it but it seems like im doomed to be alone forever

idk what to do all my friends always have a new bf and i cant even seem to get one

help

You are not doomed to anything you don't want to be doomed to. Your thinking must be clear and focused on what you want, and then you need to let it breathe. Our wishes don't magically come true, but like planting a seed or thought, you need to water it or nurture it, giving it time and space to find itself without hovering too close and suffocating it. Plant the ideas you want to spring forth and then go about living with positive energy in every area you can. You will attract the best that way. Energy attracts energy. Sitting and moping just isn't going to do it. Don't focus on what others may have at the moment...that is a waste. Your time and energy needs to be helping your own desires grow. A word of caution. Don't settle for the first guy that talks to you either, there are plenty of weeds that first appear to be what you want...don't settle for imitations.

Q:

Thank you. I have a friend,turned BF
( both over 40 here) he is different
from anyone,very passive,evasive,sweet
gentle,non confronting,and treats me
very much the same.not 1 fight ( yep)
he is very open,loving,but has bad
communication..or none really.

My issue is,he confesses these things like
I NEED 2 SEE YOU MORE..but then 3 weeks pass..
( he works & travels 80 hr week)

next confession: he says he feels numb( from working) building business...

I remain horny,lonely..never had that problem
but he is loyal,commitment,and faithful!!

so..am I just a spoiled girl?
or am I being unfair to myself?

No matter how much you try to be happy with part of the whole package, you just can't be...then you feel guilty. Why? Everyone has certain needs, and when only a few of those needs are fulfilled, the others don't just disappear. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you are not spoiled. It is good to be honest about your needs. He is not able to fulfill them and he may never be. You may have to cut your losses and keep looking for the whole package, which is hard, because it means having no security for a time. However if you stay with someone who is not able or willing to give you all you need, your unhappiness will only increase and you will both end up miserable and resentful. No one is perfect..and I don't mean look for Mr. perfect, but your base needs are not being met...those needs are not trivial superficial things, they are important. Most likely you have a deep need for a man in your life to make you feel secure and whole...something you have lacked in childhood, or you would never be putting up with the rest of it. There is a flip-side to every coin. You like that he listens and maybe no one has ever listened before, but he is not listening because he loves you so much, as much as he is thinking, "Great, she is doing all the talking. I don't have to talk. I hate sharing." You can't fix this by fixing him. People do not change their personalities this much and so you need to figure out a way to either really be happy with him as is, or face the fact that you are really unhappy and move on. P.S. You are assuming that he is loyal and faithful...but when you never see him and he is not communicating openly, you don't really know him. Guys like that are usually afraid to open up and hide a lot of stuff from those closest to them. Be good to yourself, be honest and let yourself be happy.

Q: This will be long, but I feel I need to give all the info for a good answer, will appreciate as many answers as possible, please and thank you. So, I am thinking of leaving the father of my child. He has not hit me in about 6 months. Before that though, I have had my head slammed into walls, hit in the back of the head with a fist, punched, thrown down, he held a knife to my throat and said he would kill me...been pushed and dragged in the woods, he said he could kill me if he wanted and cover it up because he had before, and also strangled two times, once while I was laying down breastfeeding my child. Now, the only evidence I have of this is that one of my friends saw bruises all over my body and another friend was there when I got thrown down while holding my baby. I never called the police because any time i threatened, phones have been broken and his family was very angry when my dad found out i was being abused and called the cops. his parents still do not believe their son is capable of harm and think I am full of shit. my family lives 2000 miles away. He also has broken almost everything I own that means something to me, including pictures of my dead pet and pictures of my best friend and I that are 10 years old. So my question is, without real proof, can I obtain custody of my child...and also, his family is wealthy and will buy the best lawyer around, and be there to support him, and my family is far away and i would have to settle with a public defender. I do not want my baby to never see his father, I know deep down that his dad loves him and it wouldnt be right to take him away. I just want to be the one in control so I can look out for the safety of my child. also, does it matter that he is supposedly "recovered abuser" since he has not hurt me in 6 months? I am very confused. he is also mentally abusive using words like "cunt" "stupid idiot" and "your the stupidest person I have ever met". He does not consider that abuse though. So any input on the outlook of my case if i decide to pursue it would be very helpful, and is there anything i can do about all my belongings that he has smashed and ruined? (one such item was worth $250) thanks very much

Excellent advice already, so I just want to add my support to you personally. Whether or not the abuser considers himself recovered or think his words are okay is irrelevant. He is at best mentally ill, and at worst, an evil bastard who will eventually kill you, your child or both. Abuse of this kind is to be taken very seriously. Go to the police today, immediately. If a stranger on the street did these things to you, you would know how much danger you are in, but you have been fooled into thinking that this psycho guy has love for you as well as hate. He only loves his power over you and not you. I know you are confused...that is perfectly understandable. When you seek help and get away from him, things will become more clear over time and you will wonder why you put up with his abuse for so long. For now don't worry about the financial losses. What he is taking and destroying is you, and your child's chance at a secure and happy life. You and your child are worth far more than the items you have lost already. Get out with your life! Contact the police and women's shelter right away. Tomorrow you may not get the chance. You are in real danger...like a frog in a pot of boiling water who does not hop out and save himself, because the heat was turned up slowly over time...you don't realize how bad things are until it is too late. Get out of that pot! God bless you and please find the strength to do this for you and your innocent precious child. Don't worry about the details, have faith that they will work out. You have my prayers and support. Keep in touch.

Q: Me and my hubby have always wanted to go to the beach. But never really had the money. last summer before my mother in law went she asked if we wanted to go. We told her yes but we dont have the money. Well my father in law agreed to pay for our hotel and all. A week after we got back he asked my hubby for all of the money back. Even though he didnt tell us before we went we had to pay him back. We finally got him paid back.

My sis in law can do the same but she dont have to pay back a dime. She can afford the whole trip too.

This is just one example. This has been going on for years and its just plain unfair.

What should I do?

Thanks

The old double-standard strikes again. Parents often spoil one child, usually the female and expect the son to be responsible. Unfair...maybe, but that part is not relevant. Actually, they may be doing you and your husband a favor. Do you really want to be married to someone that is a spoiled child who will always be dependent upon his daddy and mommy? Of course not, so get over the fact that they want to spoil their princess. It is not doing her any favors in the long run either. Be proud of making what you and your husband will accomplish together in this short lifetime and don't look for anyone else to pay your way. Be clear that unless it is a true gift, you don't want it. Now, release all grudges..they are not healthy. Focus and appreciate what you and your hubby share together...something no one can give you or take away.

Q: its is summer and I going to be wearing a bathing suit....I have inner thigh fat and I have back fat and I have fat by my armpits ....is there any excercises I could do to lose that>>>thanks

Most people have this...and since we are are more critical of ourselves than is reasonable, I suggest that you go easy on yourself. Beauty is subjective. In order to minimize the appearance of fat, make sure your swim attire is not too tight...which will make anyone look terrible. There is no way to spot reduce fat, but you can do aerobic activity in general and some light weightlifting or push-ups to tone arms etc. Enjoy your healthy beautiful body...don't waste time being critical and unloving of yourself insides and out...most of all have a wonderful time this summer. A fun smiling person who is carefree is the most attractive kind.

Q: theres a long story behind this, but ill make it short and get to the root problem of it all.

basically me and this one guy who have known eachother for a pretty long time, havent been talking for the past month or so.

it was his decision to stop talking all together, and honestly i dont really know the real reason why he wanted this.

i do know that he liked me a lot, i didnt like him. he said that i betrayed his trust with things, mainly he got mad when i hooked up with other guys.

i want to think that the reason why he doesnt want to be friends anymore is because he cant have me in the way that he wants me, but i cant help that.

but anyway, ive tried texting and calling him. but i can just tell by his voice and his hints about not returning my texts, that he seriously is over and done with me.

it hurts a lot, but i still really care for him, and i keep hoping that he will change his mind and come back to me so we could start new and fresh. but its not happening..

i guess my question is, what should i do about this whole thing? i cant seem to get this out of my head and its bugging the crap out of me.

its a lot harder to just forget about someone than i thought and it hurts.

The more you pursue and bug him by texting etc...the more he will avoid you. He thinks you are chasing him now and he may enjoy being in control for once or just really be done with you. Stop trying so hard and just give him some space. He knows your number and will call you if and when he wants to. You have broken the two rules when it comes to guys. First rule: Don't trash the fragile male ego. Second rule: Don't chase a guy...they like to do the chasing. I cannot promise he will come back to you, but for both your sake's you need to learn from this and respect his decision. By calling him you are proving you still don't honor his feelings.

Q: If you don't have sex at all, can you tell if your "Cherry" popped? or is it like, you never really know when it did. Again, if you HAVE NOT had sex. or is it like, it seems like a period? I'm just a little confused is all.

You hymen which is that thin membrane that tears during first intercourse or previously in some cases I have read, will be most noticable by some spotting of blood, but not much. Losing one's virginity is a subjective experience and while some find it extremely painful, others not so much. No matter what, use a condom with spermicide the first time and every time to help prevent pregnancy and stds. You will most likely bleed and feel pain during intercourse if you are a virgin, but it will be less if your partner is gentle and you are well lubricated.

Q: In christianity, what is the purpose of baptism and the holy communion?

Water baptism is symbolic. John the Baptist in the New Testament baptized with water for repentance. He promised the people that Jesus would bring another baptism...one of the Holy Spirit. Water baptism symbolizes a repentance of sin. A saving baptism is through the Holy Spirit baptism that comes from Jesus. It is sometimes referred to also as a baptism of fire...again, fire representing the Holy Spirit of God throughout the Bible. Water is also associated with birth, and coming up out of the water having repented of sins, the baptized person is "reborn." When asked by a Pharisee what being reborn meant, Jesus replied, "Truly, truly I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God (Matthew 3)."
The holy communion is revealed by Jesus who at the Last Supper told his disciples to remember him when they drank and ate, as the wine represented Christ's blood and the bread, His flesh. Communion is taking the meaning of the blood and the flesh and digesting those understandings through symbolism of wine or juice and bread or cracker as a church together. It is an act of rememberance for what has been sacrificed for one's salvation.

Q: I'm a high school sophomore and i have been thinking about college a lot lately. I know i want a career in fashion and I would love to work with a magazine as a fashion consultant or editor or with a PR firm such as People's Revolution producing fashion shows. I'm searching for advice on what my major should be in college and ways to help me and my future.

Thanks

Definately business, also journalism. Writing is key, and so are computers. Good luck!

Q: 16/f I'm not really into the whole "dating-in-highscool" thing. I've seen plenty of guys that I thought were "cute" or even "hot" but I've never persued it because I wanted to stay focused with school. Then enter this one jerk, let's call him "Scott". Well Scott is the epitome of the playboy that's obnoxious, rude, and all the girls line up to date him. I dispise him! However after one of our arguements (which is me questioning his IQ level and him making a comment back), I noticed how blue his eyes were. At first it didn't hit me that after it was all over I was still thinking about him. Now all I do when I see him is try not to smile when he looks at me. How do I shake this? I need to focus on more important things, but it's becoming a problem considering I'm writing for advice.

Thanks,
FrustratedLittleTeenager

You are making conclusions before giving the questions consideration. Obviously you are a smart girl who is aware of the importance of staying focused to reach a goal. You are more than that...you are a young girl who is growing in every way and will one day be a complete woman. Acknowledge the fact that you can be attracted to someone that challenges you, or is different from you and seems happy with themselves...and the blue eyes don't hurt. What is really going on here is more than physical (since you are a female and use your brain a lot more at this age than males do); you are missing something from your own personality and experiences that you find appealing in someone else. This is normal and the psychological basis for attraction at any age. We all want to find completion...often in others or things we think will add to our own sense of being. Take it as a cue to add some fun to your otherwise restrictive life. Sometimes we are attracted to or even despise someone, because we are resentful that they are free to be someone we think we are not allowed to be. You can be smart and have fun...Face this in yourself and he won't have a hold on you anymore...though he still might make you smile..and that is a good thing.

Q: Ok. I'm in my early 30's. I'm a single father. My mother is recently widowed. I own and operate a multi-location company. I also manage a handful of celebrity clients as well. So I guess you could say I have alot on my plate. Given I'm an earner alot of people outside of myself call on me for financial support. I'm in a different city everyweek and I spend my days working in my offices and my nights at the studio or scheduled functions with my clients. Recently the woman I love and wish to spend my life with came her for advice on our relationship and to my dismay perfect strangers who have met me have passed judgement on me. Allow me to explain. I met this woman about 4 years ago and at that time I was knee deep in work as usual and I was coming out of failing relationship but for some reason God decided to bring this woman my way. She's beautiful, sexy, smart, determined, loving, caring and did I mention beautiful? Nevertheless we met and instantly hit it off. I actually felt so comfortable with her that I took my daughter along with me on our first date. To me I had nothing to hide and I wanted her to know exactly who I am. My breakup drug on...like some relationships do and I found myself in the middle of a love triangle. On top of that I had infidelity issues. Yes I said it. I'm not here to lie to you. She also had her friends too. So the poor you is not what it seems. Most importantly the first love of her life seem to always be a compared me and I didnt seem to measure up to him. She loved to party. Party all the time til I had to ask her to slow down. On top of that she ran with a crew of serial seducing ladies who had relationships with some of my friends and clients. We had fun. Alot fun. So to me it was what it was. We loved hanging out but we never talked of the future. Anyways enough about that. The other relationship is finally over. It has been for awhile. I'm not saying it was right or wrong but I am being honest. My biggest problem is people tend to comment on the very same thing that they themselves have been through. Life's not a scripted journey. Every chapter is different. Moving on. Did I mention I run with entertainers and athletes? So that means woman are throwing themselves at you from every angle and because of this I find myself in some sticky situations to say the least. I've learned that I love her. That came to me like a dead weight dropped on my head. I love her deeply. The problem is she cant let go of the past and I cant change the past. If I could I would in a heartbeat because I'm ready to move on with my life. My mother and father were married 54 years when my father died so I tend to think that theyre relationship was a successful one. So thats who I look to for advice and what I found is that even my father had his ways. No ones perfect. But for everyone to say "Once a cheater always a cheater" is not fair. Love doesnt give you a heads up and most men dont get it til its too late. I've since then changed my ways. I stay out the club. I only go out with her. I keep the female traffic off my phone. Basically I'm at a place where I just want to be with her. However, since I'm really busy she takes that as cheating and I dont think thats fair. For example she may call me or text me and I'll respond clearly that I'm in a production meeting or with an attorney or maybe even in rehearsal for a show. Once I say that she begins to ask me a series of questions that I cant answer at the time since our atty is $425.00 an hour. But then she goes into a tantrum and turns me and evil towards me and I just dont think thats fair. I dont deal with any other women. She hasnt heard about me being around any women for quite some time now but she still wont let the past be the past and I love her. Deeply. We both discussed counseling but my issue was I felt that we should pay 50/50 so we both have vested interest in the sessions but that never happen. Normally when she tells her side and they get around to my side people come to a split decision for lack of better words. Now with the response from this site coupled with the past against my fight she's decided to leave me? Are you guys happy now? I mean you've never met me. Dont know my struggle. Most of you sound like you've had your own struggle with the opposite sex. What makes you an expert? I love her. Now she's gone away from me and I dont know what to do about it. I am not cheating on her. I asked her to take the next step and move in together and/or get married. I have no problem with committment to her. I admit. I was wrong in the beginning. But thats not where we are now. I've stepped up and changed my ways. I'm not the evil person she lead you out to believe. I want her back. I miss her. I need her to understand that I've grown. My life has changed. Yes people do make changes. They dont change completely but people make changes. Have you never made a mistake or had a regret on an something you did? I ask you. Is my relationship salvagable? Is their way for her to see that I'm here for her? I would never hurt her again. She mean to much to me. Can you help me? Thanks.

Okay...that was long, but the bottom line is that she made a decision to leave you. Accept it. Advice does not make any one do any thing they don't already want to do...it serves as an objective mirror and people take it however they choose to. People not being "perfect" and serial cheaters are two different things. Can you change? I can't answer for you. One sign that you will probably not change is in your own writing. You spend a lot of time defending yourself to me and pointing the blame at others who are throwing themselves at you or guilty of something. A person can only change if they see themselves clearly first, so they know what to change...it is not a magical whim that you decide to be a better person and get to start over. Come to terms with yourself...really look inside, not to judge, and not to compare with anyone else, just to really get to know your own strengths and weaknesses. Yes, we all have them. Her leaving you may be the best thing for you, too. No one wants to be rejected, but an unhealthy relationship is not good for either person involved. Maybe you just always thought that it would be you making the choice to leave? Like attracts like...in other words, if you really transform and mature, you will start attracting people into your life that also respect themselves. Part of change is first accepting reality. She left you. Be happy for her and wish her the best...really from your heart. We literally push away what we want...your wanting what you have lost will never bring it back, so put your energy into what you do have control over...you. Good luck and Bless you on your journey.

Q: I scold my toddler a few times a day for trying to play in the toilet and putting things in the toilet. will this make it harder to potty train him when the time comes? I feel like he will think he needs to always stay away from the toilet. thanks

It could. You need to remember that you are not parenting to win the argument, but to train your child. Don't make the toilet or anything else the issue. Obviously he sees the situation in simple terms. Mommy does not want him to have fun with the water. Provide an alternative..a safer one..kids can drown in a very small amount of water, so always supervise any water play. Kids need to splash around and get messy. It is a good thing, so just show him where it is allowed.

bio

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. To say something you value deeply to another and to have him or her value it equally by listening to it carefully and apppreciatively is the most universal way of exchanging social interest or demonstrating affection." David Augsburger, CARING ENOUGH TO HEAR AND BE HEARD.

All sincere persons will be given thoughtful examination and reply. Please be specific about your situation as it applies to your question, the applicable information and facts necessary for me to properly assess your situation and give you the benefit of my knowledge and experience, which includes: experience/education with mentoring, relationship study, self help, spirituality, poetry, literature, philosophy, psychology, color theory, teaching, parenting, and debate that will be used to your advantage. I am concerned with offering an objective and realistic perspective more than ratings, because this will help YOU. Artificial sweetness is found in diet soda, not in my advice. If you feel that I did not understand your question or need more specifics to help, please let me know, but while all truth is subjective, questioners should be mature enough to hear answers not necessarily agreed with. If you are only looking for someone to tell you just what you want to hear, then you may not be ready for my advice. I believe in personal responsibility, self and other awareness and your power and ability to recreate and redirect your own life. All our misery and joy begins and ends within ourselves, but our willingness to be open can bring the positive or negative energy we seek. If you or someone you know is open to positive help, the resources and caring individuals needed are available now.

http://www.coolnurse.com/

http://www.4woman.gov/violence/

http://www.childhelpusa.org/about/programs-and-services/childhelp-national-child-abuse-hotline-1-800-4-a-child

drug/alcohol abuse help go here: http://www.4drugabuse.com/addiction-treatment.html

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/1800-273-TALK(8255)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With over 120 crisis centers across the country, our mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential. -----------------------------------

http://www.kidscrisis.com/

http://www.teenadviceonline.org/gethelp/numbers.html

You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, operated by RAINN, 24 hours a day, free & confidential. 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

For info. on birth control etc.
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

The Girls and Boys Town National Hotline is the only hotline that children and parents can call with any problem at any time:
Open 24-hours a day, every day at 1-800-448-3000

Spanish-speaking counselors available; translation services for 100+ languages

TTY line available for the hearing-impaired at 1-800-448-1833

Counselors can help find services and agencies in the callers' local community

Help at the End of the Line
Callers talk to highly-trained, professional counselors who listen and give "right now" answers. They're sympathetic people who have expertise dealing with these and other problems:

depression

suicide

running away

parenting problems

relationship concerns

physical, sexual, and emotional abuse

chemical dependency

mental health

anger

aggressive behavior

Toll Free
Operated by Father Flanagan's Boys' Home, hotline services are free of charge to every parent and child in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, U.S. territories, and Canada.

Toll-Free: 1-800-448-3000

http://www.sex-ed101.org/links.html

http://www.anorexicweb.com/anorexicweb.html

Report Child Abuse
Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD TDD: 1-800-2-A-CHILD

--------------------------------
All our motivations stem from two: Love or Fear. When in turmoil or indecision, ask yourself from which of these you are acting. If you want an honest response outside of yourself, you need to first be honest within yourself. Bless you on your journey!