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How to move past an emotional affair?
36/m
Briefly, the facts of my situation are as follows:
I had an emotional affair. It was a long-distance matter between me and a woman I used to know before I met my wife. When my wife began to realize what was going on (and it didn't take her long, because I'm lousy at keeping secrets and she's very perceptive) I ended it, and told my affair partner that I would not be contacting her again. I meant it, too.
That might have been the end of it, but a couple of days ago my wife looked into my e-mail account and discovered everything had been going on - things that she had not been aware of and which I had not intended to tell her. To make a long story short, the nature of the affair had turned sexual, and there were E-mails sent back and forth where we described that sort of thing in detail. There were confessions of love from both sides, and intimate revelations of other sorts. There were also plans for us to try to get together sometime soon (plans which I aborted before my wife even found out about anything, because I came to my senses about that much at least). I was lying to my wife about all of these things, and now those lies are fully exposed.
Of course, my wife is furious and terribly hurt, and she is considering ending our marriage.
I am deeply remorseful of what I've done. Right now I can barely look my wife in the eye, because I am so ashamed of myself. I think I might take my own life if I didn't know that it would only make things worse for my wife and child (for now, my child remains unaware of anything wrong, that goodness for that).
I know that I committed a terrible wrong, and I want to make amends and repair my marriage. I need advice on how to do that. I am willing to do literally whatever it takes to make things right again. I want to change myself so that I will be a better man, someone she deserves to have for a husband, instead of the lying cheater that I have proven to be.
Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do or say to convince her that my intentions are sincere, that I truly am sorry, and that it absolutely will not happen again? Are there any of you out there who have gone through this on either end and might have some advice for what I can do now? And can anyone give me some idea on how I can work to improve myself and my own personal integrity so that this doesn't happen again?
I ask only that responders refrain from slamming me down regarding my wrongful actions - nothing that anyone can say will make me feel worse about it than I already do, so to harp on that will be pointless. Please, just tell me what I can do now.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Try getting the "light her fire" cd's. They will help you to put the words into actions needed to get your marriage back in order. They worked for me.
To loveiam: You get over another woman by concentrating on your wife. When the other woman comes to mind, gently tell yourself to think about your wife and do it! When you want to talk to the other woman, call your wife, when you think about the other woman, go to your wife. It will take time, but it will work... it helps.
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I am going through a similar situation and wonder how to handle the other person I had an affair with. I still love her, miss her very much. I am trying to be good to my wife but even though I want to stay with her, I can't get the other woman out of my head. How do you do it?
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Were you in love with the other woman? What is wrong in your marriage that you would be driven to get intimate with someone from your past?
Something must have been missing in your marriage to make you go that far. Now your wife is threatening to leave and it has you in a panic. Your marriage needed work before the affair and now it's going to be extra hard but don't be so harsh on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. We are human. Perhaps this will give your marriage a fresh start (after counseling), to realize what you were lacking in your relationship with your wife.
But, that said, it really is totally up to her now. You can be attentive, give into her every whim but if she can't let this go there is probably not a happy future for the both of you together. Remember, something must have been missing from the start for you to get in this mess with the other woman, who it sounds like you had real feelings for but decided to dump when you started feeling guilty.
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Counseling immediately for you...by yourself and couples counseling in addition to your own therapy when and if your wife is willing.
Of course your wife wants to end this marriage, what else would you think? You can't break the trust and cheat and lie and expect her to get over it. Give her time...lots and lots of it and do not defend your actions to her. Just let her vent until she is done and be willing to take it like a man. You have a child together? Don't even think about walking away from this mess you have made in any way and abandoning this family. Get into therapy and give your wife time to heal. You will only be trusted when you prove yourself over time and earn it back. Don't look for shortcuts, this is your bad, and you will have to take the long road home. Integrity is something that you build from within by making the right choices everyday...when no one is watching. Start today.
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It is not recommended that you get marriage counseling, it is required. Your marriage has been shattered into tiny pieces which you have no chance of gluing back together, which is where a marriage counselor comes in. You were involved in an affair and cheated on your wife because obviously something was already broken in your marriage, at least for you. Counseling will help get these feelings out into the open so that you and your wife can work them out.
You don't want your marriage to go back to the point before the affair; there is something wrong there. You need to move forward with your life and push your relationship with your wife in a direction of change.
Good luck with your marriage.
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hahaha, this is why i belive John Harvey Kellogg had it right.
But you have to see my friend. Were 2 different beings with little similarities. Realized this in its entirely.
For You to be 100% Your wife would have to change pretty much entirely for you to be like this. Same goes for her.
Now i belive the online thing is alright. But your case opened my mind. I dont think you should be doing that with people you could met up with or knew at one point in your life.
I say this because your setting yourself up for the worse my friend. Plus you seem slow(dont hate for i am as well) I think you should take a break from all "wrongness"
Now if you want your wife to be happy. Sell your soul. There is nothing that selling your soul cannot fix my friend. I sold mine to gain wisdom beyond my years to pay my debt to this world.
And selling soul means: Becoming aware, Do little things, big things, and dont think of`em as little or big cause they`ll sense that. Become overwelmed with joy around her in such a way you do those meaningful things.
Pretty much doing what you are told to do since you`ve turn 3.
Women own the world am i right? They are givin a acceptance in society to act the way they do and they milk that until they die. Its built into there very dna. And you Must see this.
Since they are tuned into this reality which was made by millionaire belive it or not the fact still remains that you now see this new world. Womens world. A sometimes very childish reality where there emotions are always right. So if they feel right after saying the first people to the moon where her uncle tom and bill clinton yet she feels right, shes right.
So to not go insane. Lose the ego. Lose the pride.
That is what women do. They take that from you because it is a ignorant thing to have if your a guy in your new world my friend.
That way you wont have emotions when it comes to things like making her dinner, getting her shoes. Or whatever.
And theres the pain factor. If you feel sore and sick. Keep going. Only feel sore when it hurts like a needle to the skin many times over. Only feel sick when your are horribly close to dying.
And last but not least. Get some of those clams thingys. Bumb that, there are a mess load of teas that do the same and more without the grossness.
How wouldnt that help? Putting back that spark?
Dont buy nike because they you slave labor. But just do it
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What a person who is cheated on always wonders is, "What did that person have that I didn't?"
You have to really make her feel like she is the world to you. She needs to feel worthwhile and overloved to feel assurance.
If you haven't already sat down and had a long talk about it, you need to. It'll be the hardest thing in the world, but she needs closure and so do you. Answer every question she asks you honestly.
This is a good time to lay out some goals or things you will do to better yourself. This is REALLY important. You need to find out what you're going to do to change yourself. Write out the list if you have to and share it with her. A goal has to have steps in order for it to be realistic. It can't be reached if there are no steps.
Always let her know what you're doing (without making it look like an alibi). Refrain from any shady activity that would make her think you are cheating.
Never ever fight or say anything that would hurt her feelings, because that would truly hurt her feelings and make her question if you really want to be with her.
Spend more time with her and your child. Take more walks, go to the park, go out to dinner or somewhere special. Even if she doesn't want to see you, try but don't force. Because if you don't try, it'll look like you don't care.
Getting back together is possible, but is a very long and difficult process. It will be really painful, but worthwhile in the end as long as you work for it. You seem very remorseful, just show that side to her so she knows you're honest. I will warn you, she won't forget that and those feelings will stay there forever, but you just have to show her that you really love her and truly regret it.
Good luck
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However it was, it was an affair. Men and women try to justify the reason to the affair. We all have needs wether it be emotional or physical. We all fantasize about the opposite sex. We are animals living in a human body. When two people enter into a commitment and one looses the trust, it is very difficult to regain. We can forgive, but at times we will never forget. You were tempted (and it felt good) and you let your temptation take control. We are human and we fail at the most important things in our lives. You and your wife need to talk openly about your feelings in regards to your relationship. You are a good man. You know your wife better than any one else. Talk to her and assure her you love her. My husband and I have been married 34 years and he had an affair early in our marriage. It was very painfull. I still feel the pain and with that I feel hate towards him. But I learned to see pass that and to love him once again. It was not easy. You just hang in there and things will turn out for the best.
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I think to set things right between your wife and yourself and to feel better about yourself and your character, you need to start at the heart of the problem. Why did you start contacting this other woman? it could be something as simple as you not having enough alone time with your wife.
as far as making it up to her, there's no way to win someone's trust over instantly. it'll take time and several examples of your love, care, and respect, as well as apologies, for her to see that everything that happened is really in the past, and you deserve her trust again. presents help too, but don't make the mistake of expecting them to fix things. when you do get her to start trusting you again, tell her about everything. she's your wife and deserves to know how it started and how you're ending it. it may hurt her at first, but she'll always wonder if you don't fill her in.
hope this helps :) good luck
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Getting someones trust back after you cheat can be a very long and difficult process, but if you really care about your wife and family it is possible.
The first step is admitting that you were wrong and apologizing to your wife. Then really all you can do is to try your best and show here that you are really sorry and that you really want to make things work.
She is going to be pissed, I mean who wouldn't be? But everyone makes mistakes and she has to realized that, you may also want to think about maybe seeing a counselor if you can't work the problem out on your own. That can be a very fruitful option.
As for making yourself feel better, you may never forgive yourself for it. You seem like you love your wife and that you are truly sorry and forgiving yourself for hurting the people you love can be harder than people actually forgiving you. You just have to realize that you are human, you aren't perfect and things can fixed and okay. If you really love one another and want things to work then they will, but you have to be willing to work for it. It will be hard, for both of you, but it will be worth it in the long run.
Good Luck with everything and I hope it works out.
Hope I Helped.
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