Member Since: June 2, 2008
Answers: 2
Last Update: July 21, 2008
Visitors: 896
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I have received good advice on this matter once before (http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=539914) and I'm hoping to receive some more. So that I don't have to go through everything again, I ask that responders take a look at the above-referenced question. To sum up: I had an emotional affair, it's over now, and I'm trying to repair my marriage and earn back my wife's trust. We have one child.
At this time, we are doing as well as could be expected, and both of us are committed to making things right between us again. As one might expect, though, there are a few problems to deal with.
One is that I can't stop thinking about the woman with whom I had this affair ("Jane"). Part of the reason is that she's not someone I just met; she's an old friend from high school that I was in love with then and NEVER really got over. As much as I want to make my marriage work, I'm worried that it's ultimately doomed because I will never be able to get Jane out of my mind and heart. I don't know if I can find again the love I had for my wife if this feeling I have for Jane just won't go away. It's not like I don't want it to; I wish very much that I could love only my wife and give my heart only to her. She's a wonderful woman who deserves nothing less. All I can think to do for now is ignore my feelings for Jane and try to force myself not to think about her... which just isn't working. I can't deny that love and passion for the rest of my life.
Another problem is that Jane was a dear friend of mine, and deeper feelings aside, it was truly wonderful to connect with her again on that level. Although I've severed all contact with her so that I can concentrate on fixing my marriage, I just can't accept the idea that I will never be able to talk with her or see her again.
So, my questions are these:
(1) How can I get Jane off my mind? How can I concentrate on what I must do, which is to fix my marriage and find again the love I felt once for my wife?
(2) Does anyone think it's possible that someday, when my marriage is stronger and the feelings I have for Jane have subsided, that I could try to contact her again and have a more appropriate relationship?
(3) If you can, please imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine that you wanted, as I do, to save your marriage. How long would you try before giving up? I'm not ready to do that yet, but I'm thinking if it's a year from now and I still can't get over Jane, maybe that's a sign that I never will and the whole thing is futile - but is a year long enough? Furthermore, since my wife has done no wrong in this situation, would it be wrong of me to leave her just because I can't give her all the love I have to offer?
Thank you in advance! (link)
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Reading your story is like reading mine, except I am the "Jane". I responded to your first post as another in your shoes, the male perspective, because I am wanted to hear from you what my "guy" might be feeling for me.
It must be so hard for you. Everyone just sees these things in black and white, but not everything is just so. I do love my husband (we have children too) but it's not the same as with my "guy". I can't imagine spending the rest of my life longing for him in this way. I am in therapy but it only helps me get through the day to day but I know where my true feelings reside.
Does "Jane" ever try to contact you? I still try to talk to my "guy", send text and email from time to time but he doesn't respond. He is trying to work things out with his wife too but I can't imagine they will stay together if his heart allowed himself to have feelings for me for almost 20 years.
I try to look as my husband with desire and it fails. I try everything but cannot get that feeling that I have when I talk to my "guy".
My "guy" and I have had contact all of these years but it always ended badly because both of us are scared to make the the next move.
We live across the country as well so seeing each other was never an option but the words were deep, we were so confused over what do to but logistics in our lives, like living on opposite coasts and having children, can't make it work. I don't know what to do. I wish he'd talk to me. I ache every day. I smile but it isn't real. I feel like crying even now. I LOVE my kids but feel if I were happier, we'd all be.
How is the marriage counseling going? Are you afraid Jane won't be there for you when or if you decide to leave your wife? I fear that if more time goes on without contact from my "guy", I will close my heart to him forever. I just couldn't bear to feel this pain again once I've healed.
Best to you.
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36/m
Briefly, the facts of my situation are as follows:
I had an emotional affair. It was a long-distance matter between me and a woman I used to know before I met my wife. When my wife began to realize what was going on (and it didn't take her long, because I'm lousy at keeping secrets and she's very perceptive) I ended it, and told my affair partner that I would not be contacting her again. I meant it, too.
That might have been the end of it, but a couple of days ago my wife looked into my e-mail account and discovered everything had been going on - things that she had not been aware of and which I had not intended to tell her. To make a long story short, the nature of the affair had turned sexual, and there were E-mails sent back and forth where we described that sort of thing in detail. There were confessions of love from both sides, and intimate revelations of other sorts. There were also plans for us to try to get together sometime soon (plans which I aborted before my wife even found out about anything, because I came to my senses about that much at least). I was lying to my wife about all of these things, and now those lies are fully exposed.
Of course, my wife is furious and terribly hurt, and she is considering ending our marriage.
I am deeply remorseful of what I've done. Right now I can barely look my wife in the eye, because I am so ashamed of myself. I think I might take my own life if I didn't know that it would only make things worse for my wife and child (for now, my child remains unaware of anything wrong, that goodness for that).
I know that I committed a terrible wrong, and I want to make amends and repair my marriage. I need advice on how to do that. I am willing to do literally whatever it takes to make things right again. I want to change myself so that I will be a better man, someone she deserves to have for a husband, instead of the lying cheater that I have proven to be.
Does anyone have any thoughts on what I can do or say to convince her that my intentions are sincere, that I truly am sorry, and that it absolutely will not happen again? Are there any of you out there who have gone through this on either end and might have some advice for what I can do now? And can anyone give me some idea on how I can work to improve myself and my own personal integrity so that this doesn't happen again?
I ask only that responders refrain from slamming me down regarding my wrongful actions - nothing that anyone can say will make me feel worse about it than I already do, so to harp on that will be pointless. Please, just tell me what I can do now. (link)
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I am going through a similar situation and wonder how to handle the other person I had an affair with. I still love her, miss her very much. I am trying to be good to my wife but even though I want to stay with her, I can't get the other woman out of my head. How do you do it?
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