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Aftermath of an Emotional Affair
I have received good advice on this matter once before ([Link](Mouse over link to see full location)) and I'm hoping to receive some more. So that I don't have to go through everything again, I ask that responders take a look at the above-referenced question. To sum up: I had an emotional affair, it's over now, and I'm trying to repair my marriage and earn back my wife's trust. We have one child.
At this time, we are doing as well as could be expected, and both of us are committed to making things right between us again. As one might expect, though, there are a few problems to deal with.
One is that I can't stop thinking about the woman with whom I had this affair ("Jane"). Part of the reason is that she's not someone I just met; she's an old friend from high school that I was in love with then and NEVER really got over. As much as I want to make my marriage work, I'm worried that it's ultimately doomed because I will never be able to get Jane out of my mind and heart. I don't know if I can find again the love I had for my wife if this feeling I have for Jane just won't go away. It's not like I don't want it to; I wish very much that I could love only my wife and give my heart only to her. She's a wonderful woman who deserves nothing less. All I can think to do for now is ignore my feelings for Jane and try to force myself not to think about her... which just isn't working. I can't deny that love and passion for the rest of my life.
Another problem is that Jane was a dear friend of mine, and deeper feelings aside, it was truly wonderful to connect with her again on that level. Although I've severed all contact with her so that I can concentrate on fixing my marriage, I just can't accept the idea that I will never be able to talk with her or see her again.
So, my questions are these:
(1) How can I get Jane off my mind? How can I concentrate on what I must do, which is to fix my marriage and find again the love I felt once for my wife?
(2) Does anyone think it's possible that someday, when my marriage is stronger and the feelings I have for Jane have subsided, that I could try to contact her again and have a more appropriate relationship?
(3) If you can, please imagine yourself in my shoes. Imagine that you wanted, as I do, to save your marriage. How long would you try before giving up? I'm not ready to do that yet, but I'm thinking if it's a year from now and I still can't get over Jane, maybe that's a sign that I never will and the whole thing is futile - but is a year long enough? Furthermore, since my wife has done no wrong in this situation, would it be wrong of me to leave her just because I can't give her all the love I have to offer?
Thank you in advance!
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I don't know if you will see this response as it has been a long time since you posted the question. But I am in the same situation that I reconnected with a boyfriend from 21 years ago from high school that I never got over and the core of that relationship was such a close friendship. I could easily give up any sexual innuendos in our conversations, which are mainly via email and we never see each other in person but thinking that we can never be friends is the most heartbreaking thing of all.
Were you ever able to get Jane off your mind, if so how? And how long did it take? And do you still contact Jane?
Or if anyone else reads this that has been in the same situation, please let me know. I also do not want to be judged. I am probably harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. But now that I am in the situation, it is help and advice that I need to survive. Thank you.
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Reading your story is like reading mine, except I am the "Jane". I responded to your first post as another in your shoes, the male perspective, because I am wanted to hear from you what my "guy" might be feeling for me.
It must be so hard for you. Everyone just sees these things in black and white, but not everything is just so. I do love my husband (we have children too) but it's not the same as with my "guy". I can't imagine spending the rest of my life longing for him in this way. I am in therapy but it only helps me get through the day to day but I know where my true feelings reside.
Does "Jane" ever try to contact you? I still try to talk to my "guy", send text and email from time to time but he doesn't respond. He is trying to work things out with his wife too but I can't imagine they will stay together if his heart allowed himself to have feelings for me for almost 20 years.
I try to look as my husband with desire and it fails. I try everything but cannot get that feeling that I have when I talk to my "guy".
My "guy" and I have had contact all of these years but it always ended badly because both of us are scared to make the the next move.
We live across the country as well so seeing each other was never an option but the words were deep, we were so confused over what do to but logistics in our lives, like living on opposite coasts and having children, can't make it work. I don't know what to do. I wish he'd talk to me. I ache every day. I smile but it isn't real. I feel like crying even now. I LOVE my kids but feel if I were happier, we'd all be.
How is the marriage counseling going? Are you afraid Jane won't be there for you when or if you decide to leave your wife? I fear that if more time goes on without contact from my "guy", I will close my heart to him forever. I just couldn't bear to feel this pain again once I've healed.
Best to you.
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First and foremost, be totally honest with your wife about your struggles. This will give you accountability. If this is too difficult for you, then at least find a couselor to open up to about it and maybe with the couselor you can talk to your wife at a later time.
Second, realize that this obsession you have with Jane is only a fantasy and will not be as good in reality. Your wife, heck even Jane herself cannot compete with the fantasy of Jane. The reality of day to day with problems and boring details would suffocate that fantasy after a few months. Many people learn this only after giving into temptation and screwing up their lives and those around them. Live in reality. When you catch yourself daydreaming, stop it. It is a lie that is sweet at first, and bitter and ugly later.
Third, Puhleaze! Everyone who has been in a long term relationship has been "in your shoes." It stinks, but it is your own mess. Don't start telling me you would leave your wife because she can do better and deserves more...yeah, she probably could and does, but to use that to justify you leaving her to pursue your fantasy is a weak copout. If you are going to be dumb and chase this fantasy until it bites your ass, then do it honestly and not under a guise of being moral. There is nothing right about a wrong.
Fourth and then I am done. You, yes YOU deserve more from life then what you have been settling for. You don't have to torture yourself and let yourself be torn away from a good woman to be fulfilled. There are many ways to bring love and passion into your marriage as it is right now. You just have to let go and have a little faith and humility. Love your wife with your whole self, and hold nothing back from her. Give her everything she wants from you and ask nothing. The way to fall back in love deeper than before, is a road of selflessness. Ironically this will lead to your greatest satisfaction and you will be so thankful that you did not throw something priceless out for a cheap imitation.
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If you really think that you love your wife and you want to work it out then I say that you continue what you are doing. Give all your attention to your wife, your job, your kids, and your future. Try your best to keep Jane out of your mind, this whole affair may have just been because you never really got over her in high school, but you have to realize both of you have changed. You aren't the same people that you were in high school, yes you are going to have feelings for her because you were in love with her, but that doesn't mean that you are still in love with her. It could just be the memories that you are in love with, think about that.
Second, if you feel like there is no way for you to get Jane out of your mind and that you truly love her, I think that you and your wife need a break. Truthfully, I don't think it's fair that you are thinking of another woman while you are with her. That is completely unfair to her and your child, a marriage is about love and affection for one single person and if you are thinking of someone else, maybe even not physically cheating, but still thinking of them that way thats still wrong. She deserves all of your love and affection and thats what you signed up for by taking your wedding vows. So if you feel you aren't living up to them and you probably never will again, get out, thats whats best for all of you. Otherwise there is going to be alot of pent up anger between you, and things will never be the same.
No I don't think it would be wrong of you to leave her because you can't give her all your love, as a matter of fact I think that would be the more unselfish thing to do in the situation.
Hope I Helped.
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(1) Keep doing what you are doing.
Go to counseling, by yourself, as well as with your wife.
It has not yet even been three months since you asked your last question, and that should tell you plainly that the 'habit' of the affair has not yet been broken yet. It takes a minimum of three months for a person to become comfortable with a new pattern, home or lifestyle. You are still mourning the loss of the affair and still adjusting to life without it. You should take the feelings you are still having about the affair right now with a grain of salt, you are still processing them.
(2) Yes, it's possible. It's also possible that aliens from Uranus might take over the world at 1:32pm tomorrow, but both situations are unlikely and bad ones.
Holding on to the hope of 'friendship' when that friendship already crossed the line, and crossed is so completely and utterly that it became sexual, it’s self-defeating and a fantasy. It probably won’t happen, and at the moment, it’s a completely unfair expectation to have on your wife (if you really intend to stay married to her).
The simple truth is, both you AND Jane, completely disregarded your marriage vows. She is culpable, just as you are and unlike you your wife has no oath or child or love for her, motivating her to keep Jane in your lives.
Which means keeping Jane in your life even as the hope for a future friendship is a purely selfish act. Personally, not one I think you are entitled too.
If you truly want to devote yourself to your wife, you need to accept that Jane is as a good as dead to you. Anything less then that is continuing, in some small way, to betray your marriage.
(3) I can’t tell you how long to try. You try until you can’t try anymore. That is just the truth of the universe.
I can tell you that yes, it would be better to leave your wife then lie to her everyday and let her live in fear, insecurity and misery as she always doubts you.
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