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child custody
This will be long, but I feel I need to give all the info for a good answer, will appreciate as many answers as possible, please and thank you. So, I am thinking of leaving the father of my child. He has not hit me in about 6 months. Before that though, I have had my head slammed into walls, hit in the back of the head with a fist, punched, thrown down, he held a knife to my throat and said he would kill me...been pushed and dragged in the woods, he said he could kill me if he wanted and cover it up because he had before, and also strangled two times, once while I was laying down breastfeeding my child. Now, the only evidence I have of this is that one of my friends saw bruises all over my body and another friend was there when I got thrown down while holding my baby. I never called the police because any time i threatened, phones have been broken and his family was very angry when my dad found out i was being abused and called the cops. his parents still do not believe their son is capable of harm and think I am full of shit. my family lives 2000 miles away. He also has broken almost everything I own that means something to me, including pictures of my dead pet and pictures of my best friend and I that are 10 years old. So my question is, without real proof, can I obtain custody of my child...and also, his family is wealthy and will buy the best lawyer around, and be there to support him, and my family is far away and i would have to settle with a public defender. I do not want my baby to never see his father, I know deep down that his dad loves him and it wouldnt be right to take him away. I just want to be the one in control so I can look out for the safety of my child. also, does it matter that he is supposedly "recovered abuser" since he has not hurt me in 6 months? I am very confused. he is also mentally abusive using words like "cunt" "stupid idiot" and "your the stupidest person I have ever met". He does not consider that abuse though. So any input on the outlook of my case if i decide to pursue it would be very helpful, and is there anything i can do about all my belongings that he has smashed and ruined? (one such item was worth $250) thanks very much
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My advice to you is to physically remove your self and your child from a dangerous situation immediately. When you are dead, you are dead; no amount of legal justice will bring you back. You will not lose custody of your child, a mother only loses custody of her child if she poses a proven threat to the child's safety. For example, drug use or physical abuse. But with two witnesses to your abuse, (one able to testify the bruises on your body and the other who witnessed you get assaulted,) what more do you need? It sounds like you already know what to do, but feel frightened. If this is the case, your fear is understandable, but you shouldn't let it cloud your judgment. Your safety is the most important, please take action quickly.
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Excellent advice already, so I just want to add my support to you personally. Whether or not the abuser considers himself recovered or think his words are okay is irrelevant. He is at best mentally ill, and at worst, an evil bastard who will eventually kill you, your child or both. Abuse of this kind is to be taken very seriously. Go to the police today, immediately. If a stranger on the street did these things to you, you would know how much danger you are in, but you have been fooled into thinking that this psycho guy has love for you as well as hate. He only loves his power over you and not you. I know you are confused...that is perfectly understandable. When you seek help and get away from him, things will become more clear over time and you will wonder why you put up with his abuse for so long. For now don't worry about the financial losses. What he is taking and destroying is you, and your child's chance at a secure and happy life. You and your child are worth far more than the items you have lost already. Get out with your life! Contact the police and women's shelter right away. Tomorrow you may not get the chance. You are in real danger...like a frog in a pot of boiling water who does not hop out and save himself, because the heat was turned up slowly over time...you don't realize how bad things are until it is too late. Get out of that pot! God bless you and please find the strength to do this for you and your innocent precious child. Don't worry about the details, have faith that they will work out. You have my prayers and support. Keep in touch.
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Contact your local Battered Women's shelter. If you don't know where it is, call the Family Violence Prevention Fund at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) for information on the shelter nearest you. They usually have some people there that help you fight for custody over children and press charges. They deal with this sort of thing--verbal, mental, physical abuse--every day and can probably lead you in the right direction. They may also help you find a way to reach your family so that you can live in a safe home there.
If you have reliable eye-witnesses to your abuse then you may be able to have them testify for you. Also, if you can somehow record your partner confessing that he has abused you before then that usually counts as something.
If you decide to stay in the situation you are in, purchase a camera and hide it. If he does damage to your body, have a close friend photograph you (you'll need to be able to see your face and all), revealing bruises. Also, it would be extremely helpful to contact your local police department directly after the abuse. Contacting the police directly after also proves that you are looking out for the safety of your child as well.
I'm doubtful you can do much about broken valuables since you've never gone to the police while the abuse was happening. I'm not sure how you would prove that he was the one that damaged the item(s). You'll need to speak with a lawyer or such about that.
If you are married to the person then things will be a little more difficult probably. If he does verbally confess to you that he has abused you then it cannot be used in court; however, if he confesses to a mutual friend that he has abused you then they can testify for you.
If you want your relationship to work out then you really need to push for the guy to get into therapy to control his aggressive outbursts. Any way it is, you should press him to seek counseling for his issues; though, I understand you may want to be settled into another environment before having this discussion with him. Please help him get help for himself when you're able to.
For custody purposes, you will have to prove that you can give the child a better life than your partner can. This means, you need to be in a stable environment with a job you're holding down. If you are on any medication, it's in your best interest to continue taking them to prove you are taking care of yourself. If you are currently doing drugs then you need to discontinue because a drug test may be administered at some point. You need to get moving with all of this if you are going to leave and go for custody now.
I hope things work out fine for you, your child, and your partner.
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I'm 99.9% sure that you will get custody of your baby because a baby needs their mother for breast feeding, emotional support etc.
On the other hand, if you have been on drugs or have commited a crime, then chances are the baby would have to go back to the hospital or somewhere it could be properly taken care of(nowhere near your husband's family or yours most probably).
It's not likely that the baby will go to your husband because it just rarely works like that, there's no real explanation for it.
My parents are supposedly going to get a divorce so I researched all I could about child custody.
I hope you're able to prove the abuse because it doesn't matter if he is a 'recovering abuser' or not, he abused you.
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