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How do I get through to the woman I love?
Ok. I'm in my early 30's. I'm a single father. My mother is recently widowed. I own and operate a multi-location company. I also manage a handful of celebrity clients as well. So I guess you could say I have alot on my plate. Given I'm an earner alot of people outside of myself call on me for financial support. I'm in a different city everyweek and I spend my days working in my offices and my nights at the studio or scheduled functions with my clients. Recently the woman I love and wish to spend my life with came her for advice on our relationship and to my dismay perfect strangers who have met me have passed judgement on me. Allow me to explain. I met this woman about 4 years ago and at that time I was knee deep in work as usual and I was coming out of failing relationship but for some reason God decided to bring this woman my way. She's beautiful, sexy, smart, determined, loving, caring and did I mention beautiful? Nevertheless we met and instantly hit it off. I actually felt so comfortable with her that I took my daughter along with me on our first date. To me I had nothing to hide and I wanted her to know exactly who I am. My breakup drug on...like some relationships do and I found myself in the middle of a love triangle. On top of that I had infidelity issues. Yes I said it. I'm not here to lie to you. She also had her friends too. So the poor you is not what it seems. Most importantly the first love of her life seem to always be a compared me and I didnt seem to measure up to him. She loved to party. Party all the time til I had to ask her to slow down. On top of that she ran with a crew of serial seducing ladies who had relationships with some of my friends and clients. We had fun. Alot fun. So to me it was what it was. We loved hanging out but we never talked of the future. Anyways enough about that. The other relationship is finally over. It has been for awhile. I'm not saying it was right or wrong but I am being honest. My biggest problem is people tend to comment on the very same thing that they themselves have been through. Life's not a scripted journey. Every chapter is different. Moving on. Did I mention I run with entertainers and athletes? So that means woman are throwing themselves at you from every angle and because of this I find myself in some sticky situations to say the least. I've learned that I love her. That came to me like a dead weight dropped on my head. I love her deeply. The problem is she cant let go of the past and I cant change the past. If I could I would in a heartbeat because I'm ready to move on with my life. My mother and father were married 54 years when my father died so I tend to think that theyre relationship was a successful one. So thats who I look to for advice and what I found is that even my father had his ways. No ones perfect. But for everyone to say "Once a cheater always a cheater" is not fair. Love doesnt give you a heads up and most men dont get it til its too late. I've since then changed my ways. I stay out the club. I only go out with her. I keep the female traffic off my phone. Basically I'm at a place where I just want to be with her. However, since I'm really busy she takes that as cheating and I dont think thats fair. For example she may call me or text me and I'll respond clearly that I'm in a production meeting or with an attorney or maybe even in rehearsal for a show. Once I say that she begins to ask me a series of questions that I cant answer at the time since our atty is $425.00 an hour. But then she goes into a tantrum and turns me and evil towards me and I just dont think thats fair. I dont deal with any other women. She hasnt heard about me being around any women for quite some time now but she still wont let the past be the past and I love her. Deeply. We both discussed counseling but my issue was I felt that we should pay 50/50 so we both have vested interest in the sessions but that never happen. Normally when she tells her side and they get around to my side people come to a split decision for lack of better words. Now with the response from this site coupled with the past against my fight she's decided to leave me? Are you guys happy now? I mean you've never met me. Dont know my struggle. Most of you sound like you've had your own struggle with the opposite sex. What makes you an expert? I love her. Now she's gone away from me and I dont know what to do about it. I am not cheating on her. I asked her to take the next step and move in together and/or get married. I have no problem with committment to her. I admit. I was wrong in the beginning. But thats not where we are now. I've stepped up and changed my ways. I'm not the evil person she lead you out to believe. I want her back. I miss her. I need her to understand that I've grown. My life has changed. Yes people do make changes. They dont change completely but people make changes. Have you never made a mistake or had a regret on an something you did? I ask you. Is my relationship salvagable? Is their way for her to see that I'm here for her? I would never hurt her again. She mean to much to me. Can you help me? Thanks.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Only time will tell if your relationship is salvagable? And time may be what is needed. You say you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, and she knows that,but is not reciprocating. Remember ACTIONS speak LOUDER than words.
I think the statements she has made about your cheating in the past, and that you don't compare with her first love, are just excuses. Many of us, men and women, have overlooked these things in a person we are in love with. LIke you said, your dad had issues, but your mom put up with it. Were they in love, of course they were, was it easy no, but there was enough there to keep them together.
And that is another point. She should be proud of your success, and she should be understanding and patient when you are too busy to talk to her. As long as you go out of your way to make her feel special, when you do have time, that should give you a free pass. After all, we all have to earn a living. This same dynamic goes on between you and your kids. You have to make an effort to make sure that they don't feel left out or unloved when you are too busy, and they have to understand when you are too busy. Patience is needed all around. We all have to behave like adults and not put pressure on people when things happen that they have no control over. That kind of behavior is understandable in small children. Shouldn't you expect that same kind of understanding from the significant adult in your life?
As for the things you do have control over..... the infidelity has stopped, you have gone out of your way to avoid the women who make themselves readily available, you have stopped partying and have made it clear that you only wish to be with her. And how has she responded? She has responsed with.... you're still cheating...... you're too busy.....I can't (read won't) forget what you did in the past....., well you get the picture.
This reads loud and clear to me that she is not in love with you. Yet she may like it that you are still persuing her. And why not, she could very well be thinking that if nothing goes right, she has you to fall back on. Believe me, women do this.
You have to face the fact that you are not first on her list. Believe me, who ever that person is, can get away with murder and she'll support him. There is no rhyme or reason why we love who we love. But looking at your relationship from the outside, most people would say. "Why is he wasting his time on someone who obviosly doesn't care for him." "He has so much to offer, if he found someone he was more compatible with, he could be happy."
And by that I mean find someone who respects you, who recognizes when you make changes for the better. Who celebrates your accomplishements, both in business and your personal life. Who respects your kids and your responsibility to them and perhaps to your mother now as well. Who doesn't pressure you to make them happy. Because in the end, we can only make ourselves happy. And happiness comes from learning about what really counts in life. (I know, it's corny, but it hasn't changed in a million years, and a million more won't change it either.)
When you were partying, and being promiscuous and involved in a love triangle, and living that fast life, you and she were compatible. She has not changed, you have and for the better, and I don't suggest that you go back to that life style. But if you changed for her, you were wasting your time. I hope you changed for yourself, and now see that this life is better than the one you had, better for you, and your kids, and your famillial obligations and for your career. You seem to be developing a sort of spiritual life and that is good. Nuture your spirit. And you will be happy. NOw you need to come to the realization that you deserve someone who loves themselves, who is happy with themselves, and all the other things that I mentioned and that person will be capable of loving you, deeply and with respect. She may not be the "sexiest, most beautiful, fun loving, party animal, who will make you the envy of everyone on the planet when she is draped on your arm. But if you love and respect each other, you'll think so, and that is all that matters. And your mutual happiness, love and respect for each other will be the envy of all your friends and aquaintences.
But if all this does not make sense, and you still want to fight for her, my advice to you is to avoid her, ignore her, start to pull back.....and soon she'll be making excuses to call you, to contact you, and/or to run into to you. Because I think she is addicted to the attention. She wants attention from as many men as she can get it from, and you are included in that group. So if you don't mind being part of a group and settling for the crumbs, then follow this advice.
Let me also say, that I checked my column and I don't see that I gave advice to someone like you describe. And if she described things exactl like you did, I would not have told her that she was better off without you, I would have told her that you were better off without her. Because we all deserve someon who will be devoted to us. Assuming WE behave in a way to deserve that devotion. You've made the changes necessary, now find someone who deserves to be with the great guy that you have turned out to be.
The last thought I will leave you with is:
When God wants to punish us, he grants us our wishes, so be careful what you wish for.
Michele
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Wow, I understand your situation completely. People as total stranger for advice because maybe some one out there may have gone through the same situation in their life. We as resposible adults, should take what people say or advise with a grain of salt. From what you have discribed to me is, it sure sounds like this girl you love is quite immature. And if there is no trust then there cant be a strong relationship. I have been married for 19 years my only marraige. We dated for almost 5 years before we married. He and I are really good friends. I am not jealous and neither is he. Plus, neither of us give the other a reason to be jealous. When you marry you need to leave your old ways and become as one with your spouce. That means if you party or have a bunch of friends then you need to stop parting or party with the one you want to spend your life with. If you have a lot of friends then you should have mutual couple friends. No hanging around with singles....thats what gets you into trouble. I understand that about your work. But work belongs at the office and is not brought home. Work is left at the front door. We are human...and we make mistakes we need to understand that of each other. Also one person may take the actions of another differently then what was intened by the other. I hope this makes sense. If you feel that this girl is your soul mate. Then fight for her. But, please bear in mind that if she took the advise of a stranger and left you then maybe her feelings are not the same as yours. A relationship is alway a work in progress. We always have to make comprimises. You have to say sorry even is your not at fault...just to end the disagreement...we some times have to bite our tongues just to make pease. This is very hard to do. It takes a lot of work. Now you might need to set limits with your clients. When your not in the office it is your time. No one calls turn your phone off and let your clients leave a message and you will deal with it when you are back in the office. Maybe get a different cell phone for your personal use only. Like your mother I am sure she had to bite her tongue many times just to keep pease in the family. You do things to keep the pease. I hope this helps... This is just what I personally have had to do and experienced that is all I know.
Pam
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thanks for inboxing!
Well...i think you should just give her time. She obviously doesnt want a relationship right now. Tell her what she needs to hear. It might be hard but you need to do it. If you really love her you could wait.
and yes we all have had regrets but life goes on. And your relationship is only salvagable if you want it to be and are willing to make it happen.
-Hayley
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Alllright. Well I may not give the best advice, but I'll try to help as much as I can. I think that the best thing that you can do right now is to talk to her [if you haven't already]. Express your feelings, tell why you are mad and confused, ask her what she wants you to change, and what you have done wrong. And don't give a lame excuse, like 'thats what I was like in the past', because people won't believe it and its truly over-used. And even if you do, then explain yourself. Tell her that you changed just for her, that you rejected people because all you want to do is be with her. Ask her what you can do to prove it to her, and to show her that you are not lying. I know it's hard to believe, but in the end, if she doesn't believe you, then she doesn't trust you enough, and doesn't deserve you in the end. You wouldn't want to live your life in a relationship where your partner is doubting you all of the time, and you wouldn't want to live with that kind of stress.
Tell her that you would never hurt her again, again, that you've changed just for her, or maybe it wasn't just for her, but you noticed that it was just plain wrong [whatever your point of view is, even though its usually better to tell someone that they are right, even if they aren't, because that is what they want to hear].
I'm not even sure if any of this helped. You probably hear the same thing from everyone, but I wish you luck!
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Okay...that was long, but the bottom line is that she made a decision to leave you. Accept it. Advice does not make any one do any thing they don't already want to do...it serves as an objective mirror and people take it however they choose to. People not being "perfect" and serial cheaters are two different things. Can you change? I can't answer for you. One sign that you will probably not change is in your own writing. You spend a lot of time defending yourself to me and pointing the blame at others who are throwing themselves at you or guilty of something. A person can only change if they see themselves clearly first, so they know what to change...it is not a magical whim that you decide to be a better person and get to start over. Come to terms with yourself...really look inside, not to judge, and not to compare with anyone else, just to really get to know your own strengths and weaknesses. Yes, we all have them. Her leaving you may be the best thing for you, too. No one wants to be rejected, but an unhealthy relationship is not good for either person involved. Maybe you just always thought that it would be you making the choice to leave? Like attracts like...in other words, if you really transform and mature, you will start attracting people into your life that also respect themselves. Part of change is first accepting reality. She left you. Be happy for her and wish her the best...really from your heart. We literally push away what we want...your wanting what you have lost will never bring it back, so put your energy into what you do have control over...you. Good luck and Bless you on your journey.
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To be honest with you, i wouldnt know how to answer this question, but if i reject it then it will be deleted off the forum. So your best bet is to place it in the main forum and get opinions from a few people.
I'm really sorry i couldnt help xxx
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Sounds like you guys are fools in love. Love is never perfect. You've both done things and you both need to forgive. Life is short. Live it. Love each other and let the past go.
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