Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda! E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com Gender: Female Location: Manitoba, Canada Occupation: student Age: 34 Member Since: April 9, 2006 Answers: 193 Last Update: October 5, 2006 Visitors: 21106
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Dear Brenda,
I am 24 years old and I have a friend that is going through court with her ex boyfriend. They have 2 kids together and the reason they are apart is because he abuses her and their kids. Now, she has gone back to this relationship before and i'm scared she'll do it again. Just because they are going through court doesnt mean they can't still be together. He tries to get her to back out of it all and she's thaught about it because he talks about how things will change and everything will be different. I just want to know what I can tell her or what advice i can give her not to go back to an abusive relationship for her sake and for her childrens? (link)
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Hi
Wow, what a great friend you are!
Abusive partners are usually some of the most seemingly charming people on the planet. They are notorious for beating the crap out of someone, then telling them how sorry they are, and that it will never happen again.
The abuser needs that person in their life, because if that person leaves then who would they abuse and control? They will do everything in their power to make their partner stay.
Now, the fact that he not only abuses her, but her kids as well takes it to a whole other level in my opinion. He's got to have some pretty good control over her, to make her want to put her kids through that.
Has your friend gotten counselling? Has she been to a women's shelter? Aside from a caring friend like you, she needs professional help. She obviously can't control this on her own. They always say you have to hit rock bottom before you snap out of it and get your life together, so maybe she hasn't hit the bottom yet...as sad as that is.
Now, aside from her, there are two kids that need to be protected. I think if she can't protect the kids by making the right choices, then someone needs to make those choices for her. The most important people in this whole scenario are the kids.
I think you need to sit down and have a SERIOUS talk with her. If she won't leave him all together and press charges, then child protection needs to be called. They haven't done anything for us, but hopefully that won't be the case with your friend.
As hard as it is, you need to let her know that you won't sit around and let her put her kids in danger. I know this is so very hard, but the kids are the innocents in all this, and they deserve to have you on their side.
Ideally, your friend would do this on her own, but it's looking like she is not strong enough at this point to do it. Help her...she may be mad at you for a time, but in the long run she will know that you were only being a great friend who was trying to look out for her and her kids best interest.
Good luck, and let me know if there's anything else I can do.
Brenda
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Dear Brenda
I have been reading your column and noticed you have to deal with abuse. So do i not to sure if it is the same kind.
Do you need evidence like pictures,or have you ever video taped to get this evidence? Or do you have enough by what your step kids say to you and the dad.
My kids are almost old enough to choose to live with their dad too and i am worried they will choose him over me. I almost feel like buying my kids to stay with me. What would you do or their dad do to have them stay with you over their mom.
Just looking for advice
(link)
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Hi
We took pictures till they were coming out the wazoo, but all the pictures and what the kids say has not helped us.
I am going to assume that in your case, abuse is not an issue? I am also going by the "rules" in my province...not sure how things work in the States, or overseas.
I would say definitely NOT trying to buy your kids to stay with you. Short term it may get you some gratification, but long term it will surely backfire.
Kids are going to want to be where they feel the safest and loved. Not only do my stepkids get abused at their mothers, but they also get the "freedom" to run the house. They eat what they want, go to bed when they want. They really don't have rules to abide by and follow.
At our house, all that changes. We have rules that are expected to be followed. We have healthy sit down as a family meals, and a set bedtime. Kids need structure and discipline. They thrive on it.
Another thing that can backfire on you is if you trash talk their dad. I'm not saying you do this, but that will only make them want to stick up for the other parent. As much as we despise my husbands ex, we never talk bad about her around the kids....she is their mother, whether we like it or not, and they are coming to conclusions about her all on their own!!
So, with all this being said, my advice to you would be to love your kids unconditionally. Make them feel wanted, needed, cherished, safe, and secure. Try not to be hurt and upset when they want to spend time with their dad. You should want them to have a good relationship with him. Kids need both parents in their life if possible.
If something happens that they do choose to live with their dad, then as hard as it will be you should support them. If you don't they may resent you for keeping them from their father. If you do, you may end up getting them back before you know it. It's only natural for them to want to know what it would be like to live with their father.
It's a tough subject because as loving parents we want our kids with us at all costs, but that's not always what may be right for them at the time.
Just keep being the great mom that you are, and everything will work out for you.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Dear Brenda
You seem like a very caring mother and step mother.Also you seem to have a equal partner in marriage. I love to read your column. It looks like your husbands ex wife missed out on a great guy. How do you keep it all together with the ex wife and her husband. Is there anywhere you go if you suspect the abuse. Just wondering i am newly married and would hate for any of this to happen to me. Just looking for some advice (link)
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Hi
Thank you for your kind words. My husband is awesome, which makes dealing with all our tragedies with the kids bearable.
We have been battling child protecion services for four years now. We have gotten the police involved, as well as all the government agencies we could think of...ei...childrens advocate, the ombudsman...to no avail. We've even had doctors admit them to the hospital to keep them safe, and still they are always returned to their mother. Seems unreal huh?
We have spent thousands of dollars in court costs, but because she is not the one who is doing the abuse, they are returned to her. In my opinion she's just as guilty if not more for letting it happen. Her abusive husband can't even see his own two kids from a previous marriage without supervision, and yet he can be alone with my stepkids.
Needless to say, we have absolutley no faith in the justice system. We can certainly see why people tend to take justice into their own hands.
Thankfully, my husband and I have a very loving marriage, and we try to stay strong for the kids when they are with us. In a few more years the kids will be able to have a say in where they want to be, and we have no doubt they will be with us then....I just hope they aren't too messed up by then. We want to get them into counselling but she has to agree and of course she won't.
Anyway, thanks again...and if God forbid you or anyone else is ever in this situation....just stay strong...and do everything you possibly can.
Thanks,
Brenda
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I need some advice
my hubby and i have been together for 10 years
we have 3 children ages 9.6.5
Things are stuff some i want to scratch my eye balls with depression
i was wondering
it it normal in the province for the wife to do everything and the husband to beable to work all day and come home and be as you sayit LAZY
and the wife to take care of the kids and then go work all night please Help me Brenda (link)
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Hi
I'm sure it's "normal" in some households, but it's not right.
In my family EVERYTHING is done equally between my husband and I. We both clean, we both cook, we both do laundry, and we both look after our children.
I am very lucky to have a husband like this. Your
husband seems to be of the old school that he goes out and works all day, so that's where his "duties" end...forgetting that you also work, and all night too...when do you sleep?
If you haven't already sat your hubby down and had a very serious talk with him, now would be the time. He needs to realize that household chores, and child rearing are responsibilities that lie with the both of you. It's his house too, and they are his kids too.
Now, if you didn't work outside the home things may be a little different. Not that it would all fall back on you, but you would have the time and energy to do a little more around the house. However, that's not the case.
If talking to him about how you feel doesn't work, and he's pigheaded about the whole issue (which alot of men can be), then more drastic measures could be taken. You could go on strike for a couple of days, to truly show him how much you deal with on a day to day basis. You could also try counselling.
Last but not least, you are totally validated to feel this way. Marriage should be 100/100 from both sides, and you are going to end up more miserable if you don't get this worked out. It's time for open communication!!
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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My parents and I really don't get along because my dad sets double standards between my sister and I.
Well he makes himself impossible to live with. He always says stuff like "I'll smack you in the face if you dont do this.." and the sad part is I'm 18 years old. Yeah I should just move out, but I don't have the financial means to.
It's driving me crazy. I can't seem to do anything right, and he always is quick to point out things I do poorly in rather then see the things I sucueed in.
What should I do? (link)
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Hi
Sounds to me like your dad is borderline abusive. Just because you are 18 and considered an adult, doesn't mean that he cannot abuse you.
You said you don't have the financial means to move out, but I think you realize that that is what you need and must do.
Can you move in with another family member? What about getting a place with a friend? There must be someone who can help you out.
There's also government agencies who can assist you in getting on your feet, getting a job, and getting out of your situation. I'm not sure where you live, but I know in Canada there are such services.
Good luck, and remember that your well-being is most important.
Brenda
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My hair is really dry REALLY dry. I don't have alot of money to afford on all those expesnive hair treatments. Any natural ways to help get it back to the way it used to be? (link)
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Hi
I have naturally curly hair, which is also naturally dry.
Leave in conditioners work very well. Depending on what brand you use, you can usually find some that are not very expensive.
Or, you could try leaving normal conditioner in your hair for a few hours before rinsing it out.
Brenda
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Brenda,
I read someone's comment about you judging your husband's ex-wife. I also read your response. You are a very strong person and loving stepmother, and no one should judge you like that. Keep giving great advice! (link)
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Hi
Thank you so much. It's been a REALLY rough road, but hopefully things will start to look up soon.
People tend to judge through ingnorance, and you can't give them much thought.
Your kind words made me smile :)
Brenda
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I'm going to see an adolescent psychiatrist for the first time in about a week and I was wondering what I should expect. I'm going for depression and self-injury, if that makes a difference. I just wondering what I cn epect when I go there. Thanks so much. I'll rate high.
(link)
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Hi
You can expect to meet someone who is completely non-judgemental. Psychiatrists are there to help. He or she will talk to you about your problems, and then together you will work towards recovery.
Everything you tell him or her will be confidential, so don't be scared to open up and say what's on your mind. That's why you're there.
Good luck, and good for you for going to get help!!
Brenda
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My friend of 30 years asked me to help with a situation that involved her 22 year old daughter. The girl (Brandy) left her "good" boyfriend, quit her high salary job, gave up her apartment to travel around the country camping, hiking and living off the land, with a 25 year old guy she met 6 months ago. Brandy recently died her hair purple, and got several facial peircings. She told her mom about a couple of injuries where the mechanism didn't make sense, and we all--Brandy's parents-sibling and I got a bad feeling from the new boyfriend.
Without Brandy's permission we came up with the idea of doing a background check on the bf, and it came back really bad! Several assaults..domestic and otherwise, one which included prison time because it was assault with a deadly weapon. Broken restraining orders, harrassment, interuption of a 911 call, theft, DUI, no license, no insurance etc. Now mind you the young man has no money and they are traveling with her money. So our gut instinct was right..or even more right than we imagined.
We confronted Brandy with the info, that she apparently didn't know. We talked to her about domestic abuse. Tried to convince her not to go and she rebelled. She says it was crossing the line and his background was none of our business.(or her's either for that matter)
Now she says it is all her Mother's fault, because she can't love this man the way she should, but she still left with him. Did I mention my friend found bottles of drugs prescribed to others and pot in his backpack?
No one could stop her from leaving with him, but she did promise to call every day. So now that she is angry, we still want her to keep in touch and have a safety net in friends and family, but how?
The ideal situation would be that she just come home and start over! (link)
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Hi
That's a rough situation!!
This same thing happened with my family regarding me. When I was 18, I met a guy who was travelling through my city. I knew him for two weeks and decided to move half way across the country with him. I packed my life into ONE bag, and away I went.
My family and friends were stunned!! None of them could believe that I was doing this. They all disliked Rick, and felt something wasn't quite right with him. Boy were they right!!!
As soon as we arrived in HIS city, his true colors began to show. He was an alcoholic, and very abusive...physically, mentally, and sexually.
My family tried so hard to convince me to come home, but I was "in love" with him (stupid, young, and inexperienced love).
Over the next year, I began to realize what I had gotten myself into, and was desperate to leave. Because my family had always been so supportive of me, I was able to call them and ask for help. They got me home.
So, with all that being said, there are a limited number of things your friend can do. #1 - always be there for her when she phones to talk about problems, good times, whatever. There ALWAYS has to be open communication. #2 - try not to constantly bash him when talking to her. That will only make her want to stick up for him. #3 - pray to God that nothing tragic will happen to her before she realizes what kind of person he is.
She will realize it...hopefully sooner rather than later. She needs to come to the conclusion all on her own, so when she says good-bye to him, it will be her decision, and she will want to stay far, far away from him forever.
Good luck, and your friend is lucky to have you to confide in.
Brenda
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I was supposed to move in with my dad next week because of my stepdad and I not getting along at my mom's house. It was all set and everything. My dad even already has a room cleaned out for me.
Well, this morning, my mom tells me that her and my step dad are getting a divorce. Now, usually I would be extremly happy. But right now I'm not so sure because I don't know if I should still move in with my dad or not. Any ideas? (link)
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Hi
I think you should still move in with your dad...even if it is just temporary.
That will give your mom time to deal with all the issues that she will be dealing with regarding the divorce.
Your dad has already made arrangements to have you move in with him, and is obviously excited. You will be able to have some good quality time with him.
You can still spend time with your mom, and help her through a rough time.
Take care,
Brenda
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i really cant stand my sister. like anytime she says anything, i like want to kill her. she gets on my last nerves, and its at the point that i cant even be in the same room. shes yougner than me, and thinks shes innocent, but she bugs the hell out of me, and i really cant take it. any suggestions to like get her less annoying (there is ab-suh-lutely NO way im going to a therapist) (link)
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Hi
One of the best ways to burst the annoying siblings bubble is to ignore them. Not all the time of course, but when she is especially on your nerves, just pretend she isn't there.
Probably half her fun is to get a rise out you. She knows she annoys you, and you let her, so naturally she will continue to do so. If you ignore her, walk away, whatever, she will soon get the point.
Try it for a month and I bet you will notice a big difference.
Another thing to keep in mind, is that she looks up to you. You're her big sis. Maybe if you included her in your activities every once in a while, she would be more prone to leave you alone.
Good luck,
Brenda
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I'm considering getting a circumcision since I heard it is less likely to get STD's. The only problem is that some of my friends said that getting a circumcision makes your penis smaller. I don't know how since it is just getting your foreskin cut. Is this true or not? (link)
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Hi
You know....there are much easier ways to prevent STD's. If that is the sole reason you are doing it, I have to ask why?
Use a condomn. Even with a circumcision, you can still get STD's, and it's a complete myth that circumsion will prevent STD's.
You should probably do a little more research before you undergo minor (yet painful) surgery.
Take care,
Brenda
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hey. ok im like really scared because my parents have already been in a divorce once and i think it's going to happen again. my step-dad smokes pot and my mom is like an alcoholic and always comes home late. he always says that he's moving out and going to get a lawyer but he never really does anything. and like if he moves out then me and my mom have nowhere to go because my dad moved away. and my mom is also like really mean to me. i dont know if she cares where i am or what i do but im just scared where im going to end up, advice? (link)
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Hi Sweetie
You're in a very rough position, and I'm really sorry for that.
Both your mom and your step-dad are drug abusers, and from what you said your mom is also emotionally abusing you.
Do you and your dad have a good relationship? I think you need to call your dad and tell him what's going on.
I think you also need to talk to a teacher, or a school counsellor. An adult should really be informed of what is going on. They can really help to guide you in the right direction.
Always remember that none of what is going on with your parent's is your fault.
Take care,
Brenda
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Hi Brenda ,
I really need someone to listen to me becuase I'm so cofused and God knows I need help otherwise I will go CRAZY
I had a hard life ..I will make a long story short
My mom left us when
I was around 12 years old and one sis of 11 and other of 5.Back than I couldn't find proper help becuase on my island all of this is remain secret ..So I took care of my sis till they where full grown up but instead of growing togheter we grow apart ..We were living in the same house and share the same bathroom and other rooms from the house but we didn't really talk to each other (my sis was reallyrude with me and I'm kinda soft hearted)
I had to work and clean house ,take care of my sis and go to school
I MADE IT!
I finished shool with succes and now I'm a college girl (I'm 23)
It's hard to live this way ...For a while I thought I was over this but It keep coming back all the pain all the lonliness ,all quilt and now this is getting worse becuase now I'm aware of how much I missed
I never was a child /teenager and this hurt like hell
I live now with my bf and when we fight I tend to hide in my own sorrow and things seems to hurt twice as much as they should
2 hours ago me and my bf had a big fight because when he goes over t his mom he always give a time and he comes back 4 to 6 hours after that and I don't like that ....We laways are calling each other make shure everything is alright but when he goes over there he always seems to avoid my phones and I hate that and that hurts me like hell
I even told him that it hurted me but he keeps
doing this
In my life I always had to beg for love and in the beginnning it wasn't this way with him
But now I feel like i'm begging for love
again .
Help me brenda ..please
I don't know what to do ...I'm feeling the same way when my mom left
I'm confused
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Hi
First I have to say CONGRATS!!!!! Look at all you have overcome in your life. Good for you, for coming as far as you have....and you have so much potential to go even farther.
I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have to be a mom to your sisters. It must have been pretty rough. You missed out on life as a youth. You probably feel some regret over that...and I can't say as I blame you. Unfortunately, you can't get that time back. What you can do is look at all it did for you. Every rough road we go down, only makes us stronger.
As for your relationship with your sisters...it's unfortunate that you guys can't be close. They too, had to deal with your mother leaving the family.
I'm thinking you all would benefit from some counselling. You must all have issues that don't really have to do with each other, they have more to do with what you all went through. Those issues are going to follow you the rest of your life, and until you deal with them constructively, they will only keep destroying you.
As your sisters get older, hopefully they will realize how much you did for them. If everyone can get help within themselves, then the three of you can come together.
Now, for your boyfriend. To me it sounds like you both have a great basis to your relationship. You have love, respect, and loyalty.
What YOU also have, is a fear of abandonment, which is completely natural due to your past. You fear that your boyfriend is going to leave you too. These are issues that you have to work on yourself.
You should NEVER have to beg for love. If you say your boyfriend keeps hurting you, then you need to have a serious talk with him.
You sound like such a great person, who deserves to be loved 100% unconditionally. That is something we all deserve, but if we let people treat us badly, then they will continue to do so.
With all that being said, I think the first thing you need to do, is work on yourself. You need to love yourself, if you expect anyone else to love you. You need to realize your potential, you need to realize that you deserve the love and respect of a man. You also deserve the love and respect of your family.
For so many years, you thought about everyone else, and didn't think of yourself. You were forced to grow up so fast. It's your turn now. Keep your head held high, and go out and get what you want, need, and deserve. YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Brenda
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i read one of your replies to someone and it confused me a lot, i was wondering if you could clarify what you meant.
here's the reply u gave:
My best friend in high school got pregnant without having sex! I know this is hard to believe, and although very unlikely, it is possible.
Anytime you involve yourself in sexual activity, you take the chance of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI.
first how can you get pregnant if you never had sex??? and what is an STI?
thanks! (link)
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Hi
My friend and her boyfriend were both naked, and very close. He ejaculated right by her vagina, and his sperm made their way inside.
Alot of people say "ya right...as if"...and that's fine. It is true however, and it's up to you if you want to believe it, and take the proper precautions.
Like I said, it is extremely rare, but it does happen.
STI stands for sexually transmitted infection. Basically the same as STD (sexually transmitted disease).
Thanks for asking to clarify.
Brenda
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Ok..my teacher and I are very close. He teaches art. Well..we have a very good teacher and student relationship. But..lately it seems like we're getting closer..like over the student and teacher boundary. I kno im falling for him..its difficult not to..hes soo smart and talented. He's 24..im 17..and..i think we both "know"..these feelings are real...is this wrong? and have u heard of a situation similar? HELP (link)
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Hi
Your feelings are normal...there are alot of students who have crushes on their teachers.
Your art teacher could lose his job if he starts a romantic relationship with you. That is TOTALLY against the rules.
I don't know what the laws are where you live, but a romantic relationship could also be against the law.
If the two of you are truly developing feelings for each other, then you need to wait until he is no longer your teacher. With that being said, even if he isn't your teacher, but you are still a student at the school, that is also against the rules.
He is the adult in this situation, so he needs to stop anything before it happens. You are old enough to know that this should not be happening. Between the two of you, you should both be able to take the "proper" path.
Take care,
Brenda
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Hi everyone, I'd like to hear your perspective(this question is especially for girls but guys are welcome to answer too). My problem is that I feel disgustingly and frighteningly ugly. My own reflection upsets me when I look in the mirror, and I find the idea of sex really scary. I've tried it a couple of times, but the guys I've been with have been really greedy and impatient and made me feel even uglier. They kept on going on about how pretty other girls were, and I think they just wanted me because I'm so insecure. Has anyone else been through this , and come out all right the other end(e.g. in a happy relationship, or just happier with themselves). Some days I don't even want to leave the house, I feel I look so bad.
Thanks in advance(22/f BTW). (link)
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Hi
I'm 34 years old and I can TOTALLY relate to what you are going through.
When I was in my early 20's (I'm ashamed to admit this), but I let men use me. I was over-weight, unhappy, and had a very low self-esteem.
I learned the hard way that sex is not love...not even close!! After an "experience" with a guy..sometimes a complete stranger, I would feel even more horrible about myself. Why was I letting guys use me? BECAUSE I LET THEM!! I honestly didn't think I would ever find anyone who would love me. I mean come on...I was the invisible fat chick.
Then I took some steps to improve the way I saw/see myself. I had gastric bypass surgery, and lost over 200 pounds. I also decided that low self-esteem was something of the past. It wasn't going to be me anymore.
I am now a successful person..working and going to school (something I NEVER would have seen myself doing as an adult). Although I'm not in the complete self love phase, I feel like a worthy human being, who is a productive member of society.
I began to really respect myself, and demanded that of any man I got involved with. I met my husband five years ago, and he is the man of my dreams. He respects me, loves me, sees me a very worthwile person.
So yes, it is possible to hike yourself up...and be happy. Everyone is their own worst critic. What you may see as ugly, others may not.
Self-confidence is such a HUGE character boost. Even someone that is considered less attractive can come across as very intriguing due to the confidence they exude.
Until you start to like yourself and realize your self worth, you can not expect someone else to do that.
You could try taking a self-esteem/confidence course, or sometimes seeing a counsellor is also beneficial.
Just always remember that you deserve to be happy, and be treated with respect and love. Don't settle for anything less. Try to like yourself..you'll be much happier if you do.
Take care,
Brenda
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I just got back to dating this girl a couple of weeks ago but she does not give me her attention, even when i believe she likes me. she never looks out for me in school, and when i ask her to come adn hang with me at my regular hang out she says she is busy or says she will come later but doesnt come. She also hardly gives me room to hang with her as she is always with her friends. I cut off with her once, when she did this same thing for some time, until I later asked her if she is still down with me and she says she is. i dont want to have to leave her again for the same reason. (link)
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Hi
I can tell you with 100% certainty that when two people are truly "into" each other, they want to spend as much time as possible together.
My first impression of your problem is that she's not that interested in you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I'm being truthful.
You deserve to be with someone who really wants to be with you. Life is too short to waste your time running after someone who doesn't want to be caught.
Move on, and find someone who will want to be with you. Once you do, you will see exactly what I'm talking about.
Good luck, and take care,
Brenda
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I'm 20yrs old and my boyfriend is 21 our relationship is good the only problem is his mother. She calls him everyday whenever we go out she comes and finds us When i visit him at his house she comes over and tells me she will have me physically removed. How do I get him to stand up to her and be a man? She hates me but i think she would hate any girl. He's in college and his parents pay for it so they say that whatever he does is their business even our relationship. He's cowed by his parents. We left for 2 days to get away from them and his mom called private investiagtors to find us. I love him a lot and i want to stay with him i just don't know what to do and why they hate me. (link)
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Hi
I feel like I can give you good, productive advice on this one, because I've been through it with my husband (although my mother-in-law never hired a P.I. to find us).
Nothing will change until your boyfriend stands up for himself. Dealing with his mother, is like dealing with a child. Your boyfriend allows her to be like this. Trust me, she will continue to do so until there are consequences to her actions.
My husband finally told his mother that until she started to respect the fact that he is a grown man with his own family, and can make his own decisions, he would have nothing to do with her.
In our case that was enough to make her sit back and realize what she was doing. It did stop for the most part...she still gets her two cents in at times, but things have improved immensely.
It really is up to your boyfriend to make this stop. If he is not willing to stand up and say STOP, then you may want to consider the fact that you will live like this for as long as you two are together.
Good luck, and let your boyfriend know that you will support him through a possible conflict with his mother.
Brenda
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I had something quite upsetting happen to me today. Well I had been looking forward to getting a birthday gift in the mail from my out of town bf. He even phoned me last week and told me that I would be receiving a small gift in the mail. Well you know the feeling when you're really looking forward to something? Imagine my disapointment when I opened my gift and it not only had no card; but was a cheap detachable glasses holder for my car that looked like he spent a measly 5 dollars at the most on. He also enclosed a cheap car antenna decoration of a canadian flag. I was SO disapointed because I put so much thought into his birhtday gift. I can't believe not only did he not write me a message in a card but the gift he gave me was SO tacky. I actually thought when he left the message that I would be getting a SMALL gift that it might be jewellry.
My question is am I overreacting? I know they say it's the thought that counts but judging from the gift he gave me he put hardly any thought at all.
Oh; before I forget it you're thinking he might be broke and not have a lot of money; he just bought a brand new chevy siverado truck so I know that's not the case.
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Hi
He has one excuse....he's a guy!!!! Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, men are on a totally different wave-length than us women.
My sister always complains that her boyfriend buys her socks, garden stuff, and everything that HE is interested in. He thinks practical...what could she use...not what does she want. That's just the way he thinks.
In your boyfriends mind, he probably thought .....she can get a lot of use out of this...when you're thinking...uumm this isn't a necklace or bracelet.
I'm lucky with my husband...he's very romantic, and does buy me the gifts that I like and want, but he is few and far between.
With all that being said, I wouldn't take his gift as a "insult" or anything...I would be happy that he sent you a gift at all...and that he even remembered it was your birthday. It wouldn't hurt in the future to drop not so subtle hints about what you like.
Good luck, and take care,
Brenda
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