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Feedback on Questionable Relationship
My friend of 30 years asked me to help with a situation that involved her 22 year old daughter. The girl (Brandy) left her "good" boyfriend, quit her high salary job, gave up her apartment to travel around the country camping, hiking and living off the land, with a 25 year old guy she met 6 months ago. Brandy recently died her hair purple, and got several facial peircings. She told her mom about a couple of injuries where the mechanism didn't make sense, and we all--Brandy's parents-sibling and I got a bad feeling from the new boyfriend.
Without Brandy's permission we came up with the idea of doing a background check on the bf, and it came back really bad! Several assaults..domestic and otherwise, one which included prison time because it was assault with a deadly weapon. Broken restraining orders, harrassment, interuption of a 911 call, theft, DUI, no license, no insurance etc. Now mind you the young man has no money and they are traveling with her money. So our gut instinct was right..or even more right than we imagined.
We confronted Brandy with the info, that she apparently didn't know. We talked to her about domestic abuse. Tried to convince her not to go and she rebelled. She says it was crossing the line and his background was none of our business.(or her's either for that matter)
Now she says it is all her Mother's fault, because she can't love this man the way she should, but she still left with him. Did I mention my friend found bottles of drugs prescribed to others and pot in his backpack?
No one could stop her from leaving with him, but she did promise to call every day. So now that she is angry, we still want her to keep in touch and have a safety net in friends and family, but how?
The ideal situation would be that she just come home and start over!
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Hi
That's a rough situation!!
This same thing happened with my family regarding me. When I was 18, I met a guy who was travelling through my city. I knew him for two weeks and decided to move half way across the country with him. I packed my life into ONE bag, and away I went.
My family and friends were stunned!! None of them could believe that I was doing this. They all disliked Rick, and felt something wasn't quite right with him. Boy were they right!!!
As soon as we arrived in HIS city, his true colors began to show. He was an alcoholic, and very abusive...physically, mentally, and sexually.
My family tried so hard to convince me to come home, but I was "in love" with him (stupid, young, and inexperienced love).
Over the next year, I began to realize what I had gotten myself into, and was desperate to leave. Because my family had always been so supportive of me, I was able to call them and ask for help. They got me home.
So, with all that being said, there are a limited number of things your friend can do. #1 - always be there for her when she phones to talk about problems, good times, whatever. There ALWAYS has to be open communication. #2 - try not to constantly bash him when talking to her. That will only make her want to stick up for him. #3 - pray to God that nothing tragic will happen to her before she realizes what kind of person he is.
She will realize it...hopefully sooner rather than later. She needs to come to the conclusion all on her own, so when she says good-bye to him, it will be her decision, and she will want to stay far, far away from him forever.
Good luck, and your friend is lucky to have you to confide in.
Brenda
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How heartbreaking for you all with this situation. Unfortunately, because Brandy is an adult there really is not a lot you can do to make her leave this guy and go home. Try to maintain contact with her, but don't lend her money unless it is for a one-way ticket home. As was suggested in another answer, informing the police about him may help if he has an outstanding warrant but otherwise they too are powerless to do anything positive. They may be able to suggest support groups or a helpline but that may be all. If you continue to try and turn Brandy against her new guy, then I think that she will fight against you. Reverse psychology used effectively can be a great tool - try telling her that you are cool for her to go travelling and see the world a bit just as long as she phones in regularly. Maybe with the pressure off her she will begin to see what a low-life he really is. I wish you all good luck with this and hope it all turns out right in the end.
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That's a pretty big sheet he has..unfortunately there is nothing you can really do about it legally if he has already been through the sanctions from his previous offenses...unless he has a warrant out for his arrest which I would say is doubtful from what you described. It's good that you confronted the whole domestic violence issue- unfortunately most women either don't make any report to the police out of fear of more violence or they just don't listen until its too late, especially here in NY. Iam sure she knows that everyone is still there for her and she has you to fall back on- just doesn't want to believe that this guy who probably promised her the world isn't who he says he is and that he could hurt her. The guy sounds like a typical domestic violence perp who likes to freeload on people and promise them everything and control them through violence. You should also make it clear about those drugs and if they happen to be caught with them- you never know how one cop will interpret a situation of two people traveling together and one has a good amount of drugs on them- I think you know where Iam going with this. Hopefully she realizes the error of her way before its too late because this guy sounds like a guy who just never changes. Good luck.
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What a heartbreaking situation. I feel for your friend, I really do.
I don't know what she could do. The daughter is 22 and of legal age. When she does call tell her to be as cheerful as possible. It will be tough but, she doesnt want to lose that contact with her. Its the only thing she has right now. She has to know she has someone to call if things get rough and she won't call if she feels she will be chastised for her mistake. And it is one
big mistake! Hopefully she will come home soon and mom can give her a speech about it then.
The only other thing I can think of which may or may not be of use, would be to call the police and see if he has any warrants. Someone with that
type of record could be on probation or anything.
If he is and he has left the state...he can be arrested. I would also ask them if there is anything that can be done. I'm guessing there isn't but ask anyway...you never know.
Hope she comes home soon. :)
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