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Q: I have definitely asked this question before, but I need some advice and reassurance as well.
I am sixteen, and I am a junior in high school. My boyfriend is a senior, and we have known each other for a long time, since I was a freshman, but he and I have been dating for six months. Our relationship is absolutely fantastic! We have a good communication and stable trust, and we get along pretty well. We barely ever fight and the conversation is always flowing. And on top of that, he is respectful, patient, funny, and always goes out of his way just for me. It's like I have the perfect guy.
I'm going to dwell a little personally and say I have been in a series of bad relationship after bad relationship. A lot of the guys that hurt me cheated on me, used me, and played so many games with my head. I was very naive and childish. Eventually, I started to stay single for a while, and that's when I started falling for my boyfriend. But anyways, I have always been a little insecure and sensitive. I get a bit upset when I am offended, a little too much. I used to close my boyfriend out and not talk at all, and he'd eventually pry it out of me, but I grew out of it, realizing he cared. But lately, I have been more neurotic than usual. I get pissed over little things, and I take it out on him and get very sensitive. I feel so horrible afterwards because I feel like a bad girlfriend that doesn't deserve the awesome guy she has. He does everything in his power to make me happy yet I continue to be stiff and quiet and snappy when I get upset or something over his jokes or actions I find mean. I hate this feeling and I almost broke up with him today because I feel like he deserves better.
He told me he loves me and he signed up for this, and "by god" he will "fight" for me no matter what. He really wants to get me through this but I am scared I am too down to look past it.
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Everyone has some baggage. Nobody has been through a series of perfect relationships that ended well with no damage done to either party. We all get scarred in different ways. It doesn't make you a bad person. You can't decide for your boyfriend whether or not you're good enough for him. Only he can make that call.
What I'm going to suggest to you is something that I've really had to work at myself. You have to work on 'mindfulness'.
It's all about breaking patterns. Right now, you're in a pattern of event -> reaction. Where you need to be is event -> consideration -> reaction.
Start taking a breather before reacting to situations. Make it a habit. Pause for a moment, think about what the logical response is, then let that through. If your first instinct is to be offended, think about whether you SHOULD be offended or not. If you are and shouldn't be, take a minute to calm yourself down before reacting. Let your boyfriend know what you're trying to do so that he can work with you on it.
Communication is the most important thing. If you catch yourself clamming up, force yourself to talk. Make it a point to do the opposite of what you would normally want to do.
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Q: okay im 14 a freshmen and my parnets have been getting emails lately saying im not passing and im a disraction to class??? or whatever and today my parents gave me a talk about it and made me feel realy bad cuz im the only child of 3 that is failing and getting called out on and i dont kknow how to change it but i try i tell themm but the say they cant trust me.but i rly do try i just dont understand anything and when i ask for help they dnt every have time im tired of being a dissapoiment.they see the see potinel going to waste with me my im clueless ive tried everything to make them not say what they saybut its not working what should i do ??? thxx-annette
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This is where your teacher comes in handy. Believe it or not, they're not sending e-mails home to punish you. They're doing it so that your parents can help to correct your behaviour before you end up on the wrong track.
Talk to your teacher for a few minutes after class. If you need to, set up an appointment to meet with them. Tell them that you're concerned about the e-mails, and that you want to change but aren't quite sure what to do. Ask for suggestions and support. It's what they're there for.
Let's say your teacher isn't any help. There are other places to turn. You can hit up your school's guidance office: it's kind of their thing. Your school may have a free tutoring program in place to help you catch up on your work.
Otherwise, try your friends. Do you have a friend who gets good grades and gets along with the teacher? Try asking them for help. You may need to bribe them with pizza or fresh baked cookies, but you might be surprised at how willing friends are to help you out.
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Q: In Australian Immigration they say the cheapest lawyers often prove to be the the most expensive, why is that?
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It's the same with any professional. I'll use the example of house inspectors:
My husband and I bought a house at the same time as our friends. We paid $250 for our house inspector, they paid $200 for theirs. When we got our reports, ours was an exhaustive account of every detail along with what repairs needed to be done soonest. Theirs was a checklist showing what the guy had checked. We knew what we were getting into when we bought the house. When they moved in, they found out that there was a major structural weakness that the previous homeowners had tried to cover up, and they had to pay $10 000 to fix it or risk their second floor collapsing. If they'd had a good house inspector, they would have saved the money by buying a different house.
If a lawyer's rates seem too good to be true, it's because they are. You won't get great quality if you're at the bottom of the barrel. Those people are there for a reason: they're either inexperienced or incompetent. They're suggesting that you pay a little extra to make sure it's done right.
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Q: So their is this girl that I really like a lot. I even have/had her brothers approval because he is my good friend and I wanted to make sure he was fine with it. Everything has been going very well, talking, even went out for a day and we both wanted to go out again. It was all going good until the other day when I got upset about something I have...
This girl really makes me feel happy and I didn't want this stupid condition to ever effect her if things ever went that far. I don't want it for anyone. So I was looking up a complete cure for it. Of course I knew their probably wasn't but I figured what the hell maybe their is...
So I looked it up and found some books on fully preventing it from happening. You still have it but it wont pass or happen if you do certain things with your life stile. I was skeptical so I figured I would wait. In fact I was going to ask the question on here. So I minimized the links and put a password on my computer and went to classes for the day.
I got home really late and opened my computer to do something and then left it unlocked spacing what was on their. Him and his roommate came over to get my roommate and I to play some cards. He said "Before we go you need a new background" and he opened my minimized explorer...
Of course he sees what I looking at. I don't know what to do. Or how he feels about me anymore. To cut to the chase it is, it is herpes. I hate it and it really sucks. I have only had sex with one girl and He she had only had it with two before me. I regret my choice not to wait until marriage but that is forgivable in a way. Well depending on the girl you find. And now I feel like since I have this and he knows I will not be good enough for his sister. Nor will she even want me. I wasn't going to hide it from her of course. But I figured if I at least found a way to completely prevent it from being contagious and happening I would be okay.
What should I do. I feel like I went from being on top of everything, to not being able to eat and I feel like crying my eyes out finishing this. I cried myself to sleep last night. I just don't want this condition anymore. It sucks and it is killing me inside... I feel like I will never find love because of it.
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First things first: before you have sex with a new partner, you need to talk to a doctor about the risks involved. Don't take the advice of random strangers on the internet when it comes to your health and your partner's health. You need to talk to a real medical professional about this.
Having herpes doesn't make you "not good enough" for anyone. Lots of people are infected, and it doesn't mean you're dirty or overly promiscuous. It just means that there was a mistake at some point. Heck, you can be born with it. I'm not going to lie: some people are just unable to deal with it. That may be an issue for you. That doesn't mean that you'll automatically be rejected by everyone from here on in. There are lots of people who end up with partners who have herpes, who can handle the risks involved. There are ways to diminish the risk of transmitting the virus. And who knows, you may even find a partner in the future who has herpes too. You're not out of luck.
If this guy gives you trouble, you can let him know that you're being extremely careful, that you're fully disclosing to his sister and that you won't do anything to endanger her.
You're still the same fantastic person you were before getting herpes. You just have another little hiccup when it comes to finding a partner. If you are having trouble coming to terms with your diagnosis and what it means, your school likely provides free counselling services. They can help you deal with the emotional side of things.
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Q: Will I get prettier as I grow up? I'm 14 right now and not exactly happy with my appearance. I don't think I'm absolutely ugly, but I don't think I'm pretty either.
I can't help but feel as if this is part of the reason my relationships don't last... like the guy always feels like he could do better.
So will my looks improve as I grow older and mature, or am I pretty much stuck with this?
Picture down there, by the way. Would probably be helpful.
http://s1234.photobucket.com/albums/ff411/VioletGarcia21/?action=view¤t=MobileUpload1.jpg#!oZZ1QQcurrentZZhttp%3A%2F%2Fs1234.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fff411%2FVioletGarcia21%2F%3Faction%3Dview%26current%3DMobileUpload1.jpg
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First off, you're already adorable, so don't worry about that.
At age 14, nobody is happy with how they look. It comes with the territory of being a teenager. The great thing is that even awkward or unattractive people tend to come into their own as they get older. You learn how to carry yourself better and you gain confidence.
Another thing: if a guy leaves you because he thinks he can date someone more attractive, you're getting the better end of the deal. What happens if you end up marrying a guy that shallow? Will he leave you when you hit 50 because you're too old and ugly? Good relationships aren't based entirely on looks. Any guy who's shallow enough to make that sort of a decision on that basis is not worth your time.
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Q: Is it normal for the inner labia to be longer than the outer labia?
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There's no such thing as normal when it comes to lady parts.
Some of us have longer labia, some of us have shorter labia. They come in all different shapes, sizes and colours. Just like people, they're all different. Everything is normal!
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Q: Hi!
I'm thinking of going on a cruise in April from NY to the Bahamas with NCL and we've been on one of the ships that goes on that vacation (The Norwegain Gem to Bermuda) and want to go on the Jewel. I'm just worrying that it'll be the same as the Jewel. If anybody knows about these ships, please help.
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I just checked them out on the website:
http://www2.ncl.com/cruise-ship/gem/decks/2/8#tab_detail
http://www2.ncl.com/cruise-ship/jewel/decks/2/8#tab_detail
The ships are almost the same, since they're in the same class. There are some minor differences, but it's basically the same ship with some little changes.
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Q: Can you get pregnant with without a guy just urself?
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Nope. Honestly, if you could, do you think men would even continue to exist? :P
The only way to make a baby is with the sperm containing genetic material from the father, and the egg containing genetic material from the mother.
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Q: I'm in a serious relationship with a girl and have been in a relationship with her for almost a year and a half. Everything is going great, and it's really looking like I could spend my life with this woman. We're both 18, and we spend most of our time together and we almost NEVER fight.
But a few days ago I found out something about myself... Ever since I was old enough to even think about this, I've known that I was heterosexual. But it turns out, I just never bothered to think otherwise. I didn't cheat on my girlfriend, but I saw something that turned me on. So it turns out I'm bisexual(my girlfriend is too), but I don't know how to tell her, especially since there had to be something to trigger my realization.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should tell her?
Thanks,
Anon
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Personally, I wouldn't go rushing into labelling myself if I were you. You're not actually bisexual: you're bi-curious if anything, since you haven't actually had a chance to test things out. It's normal to change what your leanings are as you get older and experience more. It doesn't mean you have to wear a big label on your forehead and change your whole life around.
As a bisexual person, I have to give you a big warning: being into both sexes doesn't give you a free pass to be unfaithful. If you want to test the waters with guys, you had better clear it with your girlfriend first. If she's not okay with it, then you're going to have to keep it in your pants if you want this relationship to continue.
When it comes to telling her, just let her know that you've been having sexual feelings towards men lately, that you wanted her to know but that it doesn't change the way you feel about her, and that you will only take it as far as she is comfortable with.
_____________________________
EDIT... because obviously I didn't do a good job the first time around :)
Before you go assuming that I'm some bigot, I'd like to remind you that I am also bisexual, in a same-sex relationship, so I know where you're coming from and would be insulting myself if I was, as you say, attempting to do so without being noticed ;)
When you say that a person isn't their sexuality, that was the point I was trying to get across with my first paragraph: don't let this revelation mix you up too badly, because you're still the same you that you were before.
It's great being bi when you're looking for a partner because it opens things up. When you already have a fantastic partner, it makes life extremely difficult. I never implied that you would cheat: only that it's really really hard (as I know from experience) to give up that other part of you and stay monogamous. I don't know you, but I do know other people who have made discoveries about their sexuality later in life and have messed up their relationships badly because they were driven to dishonesty by their need to experiment and their partners' not being on board.
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Q: I am WAY kinkier than my boyfriend and I've tried to talk to him about spicing it up a little bit because I'm frustrated ( I hvent had the big "O" in 8 months) I love him and he's good to me but he doesn't care enough to try, I'm starting to resent him, what should I do?
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Is it that he doesn't care enough to try, or that he's uncomfortable with pushing his boundaries? There's a huge difference.
If he doesn't care enough to try, then he's probably not worth being with. Sexual compatibility is really important in a relationship, and it's all about give and take. If one partner doesn't care about the other enough to try to satisfy them, that's a huge warning sign.
If it's that he's uncomfortable with pushing his boundaries, that's totally normal and nothing to be angry with him for. Everyone has their own hard and soft no-go zones that fluctuate over time. What do I mean by that? A soft no is more like "I'm really uncomfortable with this, but might be persuaded to try it out with the right person", where a hard no is "I will never try this".
In any couple, there will be one who has more extreme limits than the other. As the extreme one in mine, I feel your pain. It takes a lot to get the other person to open up. In my case, it was a matter of saying "Look, I understand that you're not comfortable and possibly downright repulsed by this, but it would make me very, very happy if you would try it." Or it's a matter of finding a way of doing certain things that is more comfortable. Or letting him choose what direction things go in.
If there's a sex-related convention (we have the Everything to do with Sex Show and Sexapalooza in my area) that's a great idea. You don't even have to buy anything. Just wandering around and talking about what you like in a sex-positive environment is enlightening. I don't recommend adult stores, because they're really porn-y and have a stigma attached to them that might make him balk. If you want to look at adult films with him to get some ideas, try to aim for couple-friendly ones at first. They tend to be a little more tame, less disrespectful to women and more aesthetically pleasing.
In the meantime, you'll probably have to take matters into your own hands. Literally. It's not up to him to give you orgasms. It's up to you to make sure that you're getting as many as you need to be happy.
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Q: I'm 13 years old and the boys have been asking me if I am a virgin I have been saying yes but I doont really know.I have had a cone of the bottem of the brush in my pussy and have had an orgasm like 50 times.then when I answer the question they say they want to do me and cum in my pussy.they are always touching me butt and saying I have a fat ass and they say when they see my ass there penis gets hard.what does this mean.and am I still a virgin.p.s. I had not have sex with anyone before.
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First off, you're still a virgin if you haven't had sex.
Secondly, what the hell are you doing letting these boys grope at you? They don't have any respect for you. If they did, they wouldn't be pawing at you and treating you like a piece of meat. The reason why they get erections all the time is because they're 13 year old boys. At that age, it doesn't take a lot to get to that point. Most of them would put their junk anywhere it will fit if they thought it would feel good. That's what hormones do to a young guy.
Seriously, stand up for yourself. You're worth the time and effort it takes to get to know you. You're worth more than what they're giving you. Everyone is. Next time they start up, tell them to give you a little respect because they're getting nowhere doing what they're doing. Save yourself for someone who is smart, funny, and treats you like a lady, not like a common prostitute.
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Q: I just wanna understand how women look at guys and what qualities they look for.
Physical qualities like how they look and how strong/attractive they are. How much does money matter? Do you like guys who are more aggressive or laid back? Do you want a man to be territorial and maybe even jealous over you? Protective?
Do you like guys who are more mature? How much does sex matter? What kind of style do you like in guys? All that kind of stuff.
Everyones different so I like to hear all different answers no matter what age.
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It's all going to depend on the girl, but here's my answer. I'm 24 and married.
Physical: I'm 5'8", so I prefer a guy who's pretty tall. However, I had a pretty successful relationship with a guy who was just shy of 5'2". Strength and looks aren't too important to me, they're just a bonus. I've dated guys from all sorts of races, body types, etc. My husband is 6'3" and very handsome, so I lucked out there!
How much money they have isn't so important as how they use it. I have less respect for a guy who has a tonne of money and tosses it around on expensive crap than I do for a guy who has a little money but makes it go a long way and saves for the future. It becomes important in a relationship because when you run into hard times (like we have in the past) you need to be able to make it through. When you run into good times, you need to be able to spend responsibly so you have something in case of bad times.
I don't like the polarity between aggressive and laid back. How about someone with ambition and drive who can kick back and chill every once in a while?
As for territorial, jealous and protective? I told my husband flat out when he met me that none of that crap would be accepted on my part. I have a lot of male friends, and I believe that when a guy is jealous and protective he doesn't respect or trust me. I warned him that any jealous behaviour would lead to a swift punch to the teeth.
Maturity is good, but sometimes you need to know how to loosen up and have fun. Sex is important, but compatibility is more important than any particular combination of attributes.
I prefer a sort of clean, professional style. I like my husband best in argyle sweaters and nice jeans. Yowza :)
I know you didn't ask for this, but I'd have to say the most important personality traits my husband has (and the ones I looked for when I was single) are a sense of humour, intelligence, and caring. He also turns to mush around small dogs, so you know he's got to be a good person.
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Q: ok so im 14 year old girl and i have had my period for 3 years..and i have a really heavy period and...afterwords i get this feeling like i peed my pants but its like cloudy i call it crotch snot..its discusting and has an akward smell..what is this a sign of? reminding you tht im still a vergin.
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If it's kind of thin and liquidy and happens the whole time in between periods, it's just discharge. That's basically your body's way of keeping things clean. You can wear a pantyliner to keep mess down.
If it's thick and really stretchy, looks like an egg white and comes out a lot at once about halfway between periods, it's probably cervical mucous. When you ovulate, your body releases the mucous plug that closes off your cervix so that sperm can enter more freely.
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Q: 18/f I just had a baby 4 weeks ago I breastfeed & it's so stressful & tiring at times. I don't ever feel like doing anything. I don't want to shower, brush my teeth, talk on the phone, go downstairs to get food or anything. I feel sooo lazy. I don't know what the problem is. I see & feel myself being lazy but I don't change it. Or I say I am & I don't do anything about it. I feel like so lost I feel like life has stopped for me now. I feel so weird & different. Idk how to deal with being a teen mom now it is hitting me I will never be normal. Idk what's my problem .
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Oooookay. I'm no expert on childbirth, but I'm surprised nobody has mentioned this yet.
Have you heard of post-partum depression? It's extremely common. Many women become depressed after childbirth. You should be talking to your doctor about the possibility of you having it, and what treatment options you have.
Other than that, I can tell you from second-hand experience that life is not over. My mother was only a year older than you when I was born. She had no help from relatives, and she and my father were totally broke. She had to drop out of school to look after me. She stuck it out, though, and she's now a very happy mid-40s empty nester with a fantastic career netting over 100 grand a year. My parents are whooping it up because they're free now, when most of their friends' kids are just getting into the toddler/school age stage.
Nobody has a normal life. There's no such thing as a normal life. Everyone meets their own hiccups along the way. You can overcome yours and make your life what you want it to be: don't go thinking that life is over now. You're just doing things out of order. Now you have more reasons to be successful: for yourself and to be a good role model for your baby.
_________________________________________
Just to expand on what I'd said, based on your feedback... depression isn't necessarily just being sad. I get depressed, and sometimes I'm not sad. In some people it manifests in a lack of energy and drive to do things. I know that when I'm depressed, I stop showering, doing laundry, talking to people, etc. That's why I thought I'd mention it. :)
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Q: I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me. How do i know? What signs do I look for?
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This is a crazy idea, so bear with me.
Try talking to her.
Obviously there's a reason why you feel you can't trust her. Maybe it's her fault, maybe it's yours. Maybe it's something that happened in the past. Either way, it's something that needs to be confronted. And not by checking her cell phone or having your friends spy on her.
Don't get in her face. Don't accuse. Don't shout. Just let her know that you're having some trust issues, and you need to talk to her about them. This is on you right now. You're the one who can't trust her, so accept responsibility for those feelings and try to work out a way to get rid of them.
Even if she's totally innocent, if you can't trust her there's no future for your relationship. You can't go through life fuming and wondering if your partner is screwing around on you behind your back.
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Q: What kind of man decides to be a gynocologist?
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My father-in-law is a gynecologist. He does it for the same reason that a person without skin problems becomes a dermatologist. Just because you don't suffer from the same problems doesn't mean that you're not a human just like them. It's all about helping others, and some people are interested in different facets of the profession.
I can tell you the kind of man who doesn't decide to become a gynecologist... the kind who's in it only to look at lady parts. 90% of my father-in-law' business is looking at diseased or otherwise malfunctioning genitalia. If a guy wants to look at beautiful bits, he can join the porn industry. Gynecology isn't the place for it.
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Q: Yep, I got a question about staying fresh... down there. How embarrassing right??! But seriously, I need your help. Anything at all you know will help.
23 female btw.
So... even after I shower or clean myself up down there, by the end of the day I just dont smell fresh anymore. Its not a terrible smell but it's not good and it is obvious.
I hate that when I'm around my friends... or anyone really...and I have to just sit there with my legs as close together as possible and its not very fun when my friends wanna goof off or dance or something and I cant because Ill have to open my legs. But the smell usually seeps through my jeans, shorts, sweats... whatever I am wearing.
I know its gross. Please stay with me.
I change my panties all the time but it doesn't help either. I'm skinny (115pounds)so I know thats not an issue. I dont have the gap between my thighs tho... could that be a problem?
I get wet really, really easy. Which is probably a big part of the problem... Ive tried to wear panty liners or tampons so that it catches everything and it will work occasionally... but still not permanently.
I don't have periods becuase I have a mirena. Could the mirena have anything to do with this?
I sweat a lot. Well I mean, I dont handle heat well. I am generally always cold so if I get warm even a little bit I tend to sweat... is that a huge factor? But how do you fix sweating?
Its also not just my area. My whole body seems to have a natural unpretty odor. How can I just smell good?
Please help. I know its gross but thats why I need help!!!
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It may just be sweat. This little trick saved my life at work, because it's always like a billion degrees there.
Get some medicated powder and a powder puff. After you shower and dry off a little, poof some on wherever you sweat. Just don't get it inside of you. Under the boobs, in the buttcrack, on the crotch... It absorbs sweat and keeps you smelling fresh.
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Q: There's this boy in my class we are both 13 and not dateing he sad that he wanted to date me only to have sex with him. He is always touching my butt and hair during class. What does this mean. I'm a female and he's a male.
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It means that he has no respect for you, and that he's too damn lazy to put in the work to get a woman to like him enough to have sex with him.
Don't bother with his type. Tell him to back off with the touching, and save yourself for someone who's worth it.
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Q: So, my boyfriend and I are going to be moving in a couple of months and it's been decided (on his sister and his part, nobody really asked me) that we're all going to live together. I'm not going to say anything because I really can't and I understand why she wants out of her current living situation, so I'd feel horrible to keep her there, so I DO have to deal with it.
But I need to know HOW. I've gotten glimpses of how it's going to be to live with her because she's constantly just showing up here (uninvited, or she didn't even forewarn at least), when this happens she demands to be hung out with, she's bored, we have to go somewhere (mind you, i just got off work or just wasn't even in the mood to go out anywhere, etc.). Then if we don't go out, we just have to sit with her even if we're not remotely doing anything or speaking, we just have to be around her, or she'll just sit around us. She uses my things, takes my clothes (which she stretches them out cause shes bigger than me, so i can barely wear them anymore so they've practically become her clothes anyways), leaves her clothes all over my floor, eats my food, (all of these things without even mentioning it to me beforehand or even asks), I barely have money to feed two people, I'm not going to be able to feed three. I just feel like my boyfriend and I have suddenly adopted a child. I could go on and on.
The boyfriend says nothing, I know he's never going to say anything to her. So I just need advice on how to make sure my things are kept in order and how to figure out a way to give me and my boyfriend alone time because I know that's never going to happen I'm sure. Anytime we mention going anywhere, she's going to want to come along or get mad that we didn't invite her (I already don't tell her about plans me and him have made just so she won't know about it until it's too late for her to do anything). It's also gotten to the point where I already hide some of the things in my room, but others are harder to hide because me and my boyfriend share them so he has a tendency to leave these things out lying around for her to grab.
HEEEEEEEEEEEELPPPPP
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All three of you need to sit down and set some boundaries. Make it clear that she can only live with you (or you can only live with them) if certain conditions are met. Keep it as concise as you can.
1) Your room is off limits to her, hers is off limits to you. Get a lock for your door if you can.
2) Food is to be labelled with each person's name.
3) You and your boyfriend get a defined minimum amount of alone time.
Your boyfriend needs to understand how important your privacy is, and that you don't have the same emotional attachment to his sister that he does. Really, he should have discussed it with you hand, but you can't change that now.
If he won't stick up for you if these rules are breached, you need to question where his alliances lie. If you're living together and he's still putting others ahead of you, there's a problem.
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Q: I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months now and I have had the most amazing times of my life with him and his friends. He was the sweetest, most amazing and understand boy...until he got depression. Our relationship deteriorated since the summer and has now reached a point where I was considering leaving him because I did not know why he was acting the way he was. He quit everything he was doing, stopped talking to his friends and would basically only go out with them because I wanted to. He also started being closed off and mean towards me, impatient, would always make me feel bad whenever I did something he did not think was smart.
The other day I had a long talk with him and told him he was going to end up alone if he didn't change and he told me everything. How hes lost interest in everything, he gets angry instantly, hes always tired, he tries to go out (were only 20) and immediately wants to go home. He never remembers a time when he actually felt happy his whole life. When I met him he was experimenting heavily with drugs but in a completely recreational and non addictive way and I didnt think anything of it because all of his friends did too. But he now tell me the only reason he did that was because they brought him to a normal level, while everyone else was at a whole different level, and he stopped because he felt like he was living a lie. He is severely depressed and agreed to get help but I don't know what to do anymore because I love him and all that I have gone through with him but he was so different before and I'm starting to be afraid that it was all a lie and the real him is how hes become now. Kind of cold and stubborn. I want to think its the depression and I am willing to stick it out to help him get through it but it puts a serious toll on me. It hurts when you love someone that is in so much pain they cant properly love you back. Any advice?
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This question really hits home for me, because I was in your boyfriend's position 4 years ago.
Give your boyfriend a chance. Trust me when I say that no matter how hard it is for you, it's a million times harder for him. Getting out of a depressive period is extremely difficult. You have to summon the energy and drive to seek help and get back to normal, and on top of that you start to see the toll it's taken on everyone around you and you have to repair those relationships. It's overwhelming, and it's often enough to keep you in your depressive spiral.
However, he doesn't get a free ride. He has to work towards getting better. You need to come up with a list of concrete objectives, warn him about the consequences of not completing them, and most importantly follow through. When I first started sliding, my husband would tell me that I needed to get help. What did I do? Nothing. Why? Because there was nothing pushing me. Depression is basically a lack of energy, when you boil it all down. I had no drive to do anything. When he said to me "You need to get help by the end of the month, or I will leave you" I had to do something, because I knew he would follow through.
The worst thing you could do right now is to take off just when he's opened up. I think you understand that. It will be hard on you to stick around, but that amazing person that he really is will be worth it when you get him back at the end.
Look out for yourself first. You can't be his mother. You can't take care of him. You can help him take care of himself, but you can't carry him. You need to make sure that you're looking after your own health and happiness first. You may want to consider getting counselling while you help him deal with things.
Also, be prepared to deal with a certain amount of intolerance from other people. My husband's family hated me because I was withdrawn and because they saw him suffering. Our housemates told him that I was never going to get better and that he should just walk away. At some point or another, all of our friends told him to leave me. Be prepared to confront this sort of thinking. Know your stuff. Fight ignorance with knowledge.
It can get better. I promise you, it can. I know because it was at age 20 and almost exactly 11 months into dating my husband that my mental illness kicked into gear, and we've managed to stick it out for 4 more years past that. Because he believed in me, we were able to get married and we're planning for the future. It takes a lot of strength from both parties, but if both of you try you will make it through this. I would even say that our relationship is stronger because of what we've been through together. If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything.
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bio
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My Personal Forum
My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.
In my last 8 years with Advicenators, I've gone from honours student to failing out of university (and getting back on top again!), from single to married, from tenant to homeowner.
Until lately, I have been struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and OCD, which had basically ruined my life and taken just about everything from me. I'm thankful every day for every experience I've had because of this ordeal, because it's helped to make me who I am today. Things like that really make you appreciate what you do have. Now that I'm back in work and school and starting to become myself again, I couldn't be happier. I credit Advicenators with saving my life back when I was a teenager, which is a big part of why I'm still here.
I won't necessarily give you the answers you want to hear, but I'll always be honest and do my best to help.
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Info
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Gender: Female Location: Ontario, Canada Occupation: Student Age: 26 Member Since: February 14, 2006 Answers: 2207 Last Update: September 26, 2016 Visitors: 92665
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