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Depression Hurts
I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months now and I have had the most amazing times of my life with him and his friends. He was the sweetest, most amazing and understand boy...until he got depression. Our relationship deteriorated since the summer and has now reached a point where I was considering leaving him because I did not know why he was acting the way he was. He quit everything he was doing, stopped talking to his friends and would basically only go out with them because I wanted to. He also started being closed off and mean towards me, impatient, would always make me feel bad whenever I did something he did not think was smart.
The other day I had a long talk with him and told him he was going to end up alone if he didn't change and he told me everything. How hes lost interest in everything, he gets angry instantly, hes always tired, he tries to go out (were only 20) and immediately wants to go home. He never remembers a time when he actually felt happy his whole life. When I met him he was experimenting heavily with drugs but in a completely recreational and non addictive way and I didnt think anything of it because all of his friends did too. But he now tell me the only reason he did that was because they brought him to a normal level, while everyone else was at a whole different level, and he stopped because he felt like he was living a lie. He is severely depressed and agreed to get help but I don't know what to do anymore because I love him and all that I have gone through with him but he was so different before and I'm starting to be afraid that it was all a lie and the real him is how hes become now. Kind of cold and stubborn. I want to think its the depression and I am willing to stick it out to help him get through it but it puts a serious toll on me. It hurts when you love someone that is in so much pain they cant properly love you back. Any advice?
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It hurts to see the ones we love in pain we feel hopeless and useless because we can't help them. We want to help but what can we possibly do? I would suggest telling him to talk to some like a therapist because there is nothing you specifically can do other than support him and listen to him. He is clearly going through something that needs professional help and possibly some medication.
Now it's your choice whether or not you want to stay. You have to be true to yourself and to him because if you are just staying because of comfort or to 'stick it out' then you need to rethink things.
He may not go for getting help and that's when you decide whether or not you want to stay with him. If he continues this behavior would you be able to handle it in the future? Think hard about what you want and what you want to come out of this. Good luck!
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no hes not a fake he feels terrible and so he dosent remember ever feeling right.depression let s you overdramatise things .like its all black.he needs a doctor
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This question really hits home for me, because I was in your boyfriend's position 4 years ago.
Give your boyfriend a chance. Trust me when I say that no matter how hard it is for you, it's a million times harder for him. Getting out of a depressive period is extremely difficult. You have to summon the energy and drive to seek help and get back to normal, and on top of that you start to see the toll it's taken on everyone around you and you have to repair those relationships. It's overwhelming, and it's often enough to keep you in your depressive spiral.
However, he doesn't get a free ride. He has to work towards getting better. You need to come up with a list of concrete objectives, warn him about the consequences of not completing them, and most importantly follow through. When I first started sliding, my husband would tell me that I needed to get help. What did I do? Nothing. Why? Because there was nothing pushing me. Depression is basically a lack of energy, when you boil it all down. I had no drive to do anything. When he said to me "You need to get help by the end of the month, or I will leave you" I had to do something, because I knew he would follow through.
The worst thing you could do right now is to take off just when he's opened up. I think you understand that. It will be hard on you to stick around, but that amazing person that he really is will be worth it when you get him back at the end.
Look out for yourself first. You can't be his mother. You can't take care of him. You can help him take care of himself, but you can't carry him. You need to make sure that you're looking after your own health and happiness first. You may want to consider getting counselling while you help him deal with things.
Also, be prepared to deal with a certain amount of intolerance from other people. My husband's family hated me because I was withdrawn and because they saw him suffering. Our housemates told him that I was never going to get better and that he should just walk away. At some point or another, all of our friends told him to leave me. Be prepared to confront this sort of thinking. Know your stuff. Fight ignorance with knowledge.
It can get better. I promise you, it can. I know because it was at age 20 and almost exactly 11 months into dating my husband that my mental illness kicked into gear, and we've managed to stick it out for 4 more years past that. Because he believed in me, we were able to get married and we're planning for the future. It takes a lot of strength from both parties, but if both of you try you will make it through this. I would even say that our relationship is stronger because of what we've been through together. If you can make it through this, you can make it through anything.
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