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I don't deserve him.
I have definitely asked this question before, but I need some advice and reassurance as well.
I am sixteen, and I am a junior in high school. My boyfriend is a senior, and we have known each other for a long time, since I was a freshman, but he and I have been dating for six months. Our relationship is absolutely fantastic! We have a good communication and stable trust, and we get along pretty well. We barely ever fight and the conversation is always flowing. And on top of that, he is respectful, patient, funny, and always goes out of his way just for me. It's like I have the perfect guy.
I'm going to dwell a little personally and say I have been in a series of bad relationship after bad relationship. A lot of the guys that hurt me cheated on me, used me, and played so many games with my head. I was very naive and childish. Eventually, I started to stay single for a while, and that's when I started falling for my boyfriend. But anyways, I have always been a little insecure and sensitive. I get a bit upset when I am offended, a little too much. I used to close my boyfriend out and not talk at all, and he'd eventually pry it out of me, but I grew out of it, realizing he cared. But lately, I have been more neurotic than usual. I get pissed over little things, and I take it out on him and get very sensitive. I feel so horrible afterwards because I feel like a bad girlfriend that doesn't deserve the awesome guy she has. He does everything in his power to make me happy yet I continue to be stiff and quiet and snappy when I get upset or something over his jokes or actions I find mean. I hate this feeling and I almost broke up with him today because I feel like he deserves better.
He told me he loves me and he signed up for this, and "by god" he will "fight" for me no matter what. He really wants to get me through this but I am scared I am too down to look past it.
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Everyone has some baggage. Nobody has been through a series of perfect relationships that ended well with no damage done to either party. We all get scarred in different ways. It doesn't make you a bad person. You can't decide for your boyfriend whether or not you're good enough for him. Only he can make that call.
What I'm going to suggest to you is something that I've really had to work at myself. You have to work on 'mindfulness'.
It's all about breaking patterns. Right now, you're in a pattern of event -> reaction. Where you need to be is event -> consideration -> reaction.
Start taking a breather before reacting to situations. Make it a habit. Pause for a moment, think about what the logical response is, then let that through. If your first instinct is to be offended, think about whether you SHOULD be offended or not. If you are and shouldn't be, take a minute to calm yourself down before reacting. Let your boyfriend know what you're trying to do so that he can work with you on it.
Communication is the most important thing. If you catch yourself clamming up, force yourself to talk. Make it a point to do the opposite of what you would normally want to do.
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You can't keep living in the past!
Forget the past and stop bringing the past up in your relationship. It's going to make everything worse. This is a new relationship with a guy who treats you well so don't bring up the past!
You could possibly be depressed, sometimes instead of being sad we show anger instead. It might be that things that irritate you everyday or every so often get you in a bad mood. And instead of going off at the person who is causing the problem you go off on your boyfriend because you'll know he'll take it and he won't fight back.
Sometimes when we get upset or anger we take it out on the people we love. I think you should talk to someone like a therapist and maybe get down to the real reason of why you are angry. Before you get mad just take a deep breath and think of why you are about to get mad and is it worth it?
Good luck :)
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Lord, the self esteem issues...
Relationships are not about what someone deserves. That's a stupid concept. Relationships are about who you want to be with and who you can enjoy being around. It sounds like he enjoys being around you.
You need to communicate more with him. Talk to him about how you feel when you're not snappy. Let him inside your head, trust him with your insecurities. Tell him what you just told us if you haven't already. Talk to him about what sets you off, and let him talk to you about why he means no harm, why his teasing is all in good fun and meant to show you that he cares and that the little things don't matter to him.
You also need to agree on some kind of touch phrases. These are things that he can say when you're getting upset that will let you stop, take a breath, and calm down. Plenty of people have issues with controlling emotions, especially anger and hurt, and if you talk to him you could find a way for him to help you calm down.
Plan this out. Have things he can tell you when he thinks you're getting too upset or when you're getting catty. Have things you can say to him that let him know you need space for a minute. When you feel like you're getting upset, take a second and if you have to leave the room. Take some deep breaths, calm down, tell yourself "I'm not going to be angry". Then, once you've calmed down, immediately go talk to him about it. If you have to step out more than once in a conversation, do so. Do what you need to keep calm so you can control your own behavior and not build up momentum and just turn into an angry person who can't stop herself from taking things out on him.
You have to fight that stiff and quiet and snappy thing. You have to choose to open up, to give yourself the time you need to calm down and then as soon as you can go to him. Also, never be afraid to apologize and admit fault. Apology, confession, and resolution are the tools you use to break down walls and build them into bridges.
Go forth and build.
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your man sounds amazing! and you definetly are lucky (:
does he know about your past relationships? and how theyve affected you? if not, he will help you get past it.
i used to be the same too! what i did when i got the man of my dreams was mentally refuse to put this amazing guy in the same category as the scum who treated me like crap.
use your past to make you stronger. this guy sounds like one of guy, dont let the insecurities of ur past push him away (: good luck
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