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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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I feel like my life is one for the scales, with one great outcome comes a terrible situation, and vice versa. Lately, things have been pretty low with my boyfriend- I've noticed that every thing I accomplish, he either shrugs it off (like it's a feeble feat.) or pulls out this talk that ultimately reiterates his insecurity that "I'm going to leave him and find something better." I recently landed a great job that I'm extremely proud of, and when I told him, he mocked it and complained about all of the "new guys I'm going to meet." When I made the dean's list this semester, he told me that when I go off to a better college (I'm in community college,now) that I'm "going to meet someone better than him." This has been the biggest problem of ours since our relationship started.


We've been dating for 4 1/2 years and for most of the time, I feel like I've been molded and conditioned to believe in what he's said. He thinks that if I have guy friends, and if he has girl friends, then we are obviously being devious. I keep trying to tell him that I want to move on from this negative and debilitating aspect of what our relationship has come to be , that I want us to have healthy social relationships and meet people together, with no stress put upon me to feel like I can't meet new people, but nothing works.
He tells me that if he doesn't worry about things like that, then that also means he wouldn't care about me.


I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this insecurity he has of me meeting new people is making my outlook on meeting new people - sour. I really don't have much friends, due to burnt bridges (from this exact reason in our relationship) - and now that I'm finally trying to have a productive social life- he steps in once again, hammering these words into me, it makes me feel guilty just talking to my new co-workers at all. Especially the men. I know I'm doing nothing wrong, but this lack of social activity because of my care for my boyfriends feelings is making me feel- alienated.

I have a clean slate in our relationship, I'm very loyal and have never intended to make my boyfriend jealous with the friendships I have had. Actually, he has been the one in the past to cheat (mentally, not physically. )

Even just writing this, I feel like I am writing in defense, because I am just so used to assuring my boyfriend that nothing would ever happen in regards to me and my guy friends, or going out with my friends alone. But he continues to stifle me, to the point where I in turn end up doing exactly what he doesn't want me to do- Which is, hanging out with my friends alone.. The thing is, everything would be fine if he was open minded. But since he doesn't want me to make friends in the first place- when I do make friends, I feel like I can't tell him, or I can't tell him that I made plans to hangout with them. This set's the cycle going, because he is creating a wedge between my social life and him- and I feel terrible, but I also feel like this is all very unfair to me.

On top of this, every time we go somewhere and I do know someone, I will never hear the end of it.

For example, the other night we had gone to his friends house to hangout.When we got there, a guy friend I had known from middle school was there. I had happily reunited with this friend, because we hadn't seen each other in ages. A couple of days later - my boyfriend starts asking me all of these nonsense questions; along the lines of "Did you ever date him?" or accusations like "I bet you had a "thing" with him and just aren't telling me"

Another example is when I want to hang out with my guy friends that are gay. One would think, as narrow-minded as I have to put it for my boyfriend, that at the very least, he wouldn't mind me hanging out with a guy that also happens to be gay. But it's the complete opposite. He hates all of my gay guy friends(the ones I used to have, and the ones I have recently made) , because he thinks that I'm "going to undress in front of them and let them touch me" --

Yes- these conversations are THAT ridiculous.

It's just so acidic and hurt my feelings when he talks like this.It also makes me feel very uncomfortable- like he's perverting all of my friendships and interactions. It gets me very angry because I know that it's not like that, but they way he sees it is just so screwed up, that I feel bewildered and like I had done something wrong to make him think that way. If it wasn't so often, I would understand. But it is literally, almost every day. It's like he views the freedom of having friends (mainly of the opposite sex) as basically "seeing other people." --Which in turn, makes me question what values he holds in the relationships he has with women (and if I, in retrospect, should be the worried one because of this)


At the end of it all-
Somehow, his "caring" message doesn't translate to me, he is hurting rather than caring, and I can't fathom his logic in any sense. Should I be the one worried, is he possibly making me feel guilty for something he can't fess up to? I really need help trying to get my point across, trying to figure out what his deal is, and basically just any tips/tactics/ pointers you guys can throw at me for dealing with this.

I want to have my social life and friendship blanket again, and I'm trying to rebuild the confidence that I had lost (I mostly feel really alienated and awkward around new people as a result of this relationship, which I have been working hard at to change. --I'm usually pretty outgoing, but when I'm around him it's like I shy right back up because I feel slightly threatened by his outlook of me ) I feel like I cannot move forward in this aspect of my life, while my relationship is like this.

Thanks for your time, sorry for the length

A healthy relationship needs two whole, mentally stable, mature, self confident, giving caring people to be successful.
That saying about someone being your other half or better half is a bunch of baloney as far as Im concerned. Two halves, or one whole person matched with one half of a person doesnt add up to 2 wholes. Yes, you'd have one whole, but thats not enough. A good relationship is work and it takes 2 people putting in maximum effort to make it work, not one with insecurities, accusations, and a low self image. Men like that end up alienating the female from all outside friends, family and strangers. Some are not allowed to leave the house or the repercussions are verbal or physical abuse. A person like this slowly can little by little suck away your life, your vitality, etc. All the signs and examples you've given scream the message, "Get away from him immediately" but you haven't yet.

You and I are not the psychologist so there's no way to know why he is insecure but I can guarantee it won't end good if you stay. I am speaking from experience. I married at 20. The husband was unknowingly doing everything he could to drive me away. Why? Late in life, he finally saw a psychologist who discovered what started it. His mom was very ill at one point during his childhood. He heard the Dr. tell his Dad that Mom might not make it and die. He understood 'die' to mean that Mom would never return home, That she was choosing to desert him, leave him. Even tho she recovered, he carried on this impression to his dating years and drove away everyone but me. Oh he was trying. 'His sub conscious caused him to do things that would help him to bring to reality the thing he feared most so that he could prove he was right.' Thats what the Dr. said. It's a twisted way of living ones life. Who knows what put your guy on this path but without Dr. intervention AND your guy understanding and admitting he has a problem and totally wanting to get better, it won't happen. A person like this with issues such as these kinda senses something is not right but unwilling to look close enough at themselves. So in self preservation, they will point the finger at others and say that others at the ones causing problems just to take the focus off of him.
So if you want your life back, there is no way to get it back except for removing from your life, the person responsible for all the things that add up to you losing the life you want. I knew at the start that my husband was abusive, but I stayed cus of the church and beliefs taught to trust God to 'heal my marriage'. It wasn't until I was in my late 40s God got through to me and said that He gave everyone a free will including the husband, so if he choose to not deal with his issues and continue to treat me like this, He (God) couldn't interfere. But He could encourage me to use my free will to remove myself from the situation. I had to realize that loving myself enough to do so, is not a selfish thing. that 'love your neighbor as yourself' thing in the bible really means you need to love yourself before being able to love others. The verse carries a stronger message about loving yourself, even though you know you come with your own set of spots and wrinkles.
That being said, is there any reason why you might feel that for the past 4 1/2 years that there was a good enough explanation for staying with him? Obviously, you know what this is doing to you and you don't like it. If there is something lets say in a food choice that you try and don't like, you aren't going to make yourself eat it every day, are you? It shouldn't be any different in your situation. Do you feel your deserve this somehow? Are you hoping to fix him? You can't, the desire must come from within and the guidance of a mental health doc. Are you afraid that somehow, if you dump him, you won't come across another guy who asks to date you? Are you willing to really settle for less than the best for you? Did you ever really have a strong self confidence in yourself? Does a self confident woman lower her standards to go into such a relationship? Ask yourself these questions and see what comes up in your mind. If you feel you need to talk further, I'm here, just go to my column though to contact me, not the comment site for ratings, cant answer there.

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After I post a question to this site, where will I get my answer?

You go to the blue column on the left and click on "Your questions", and if there are any answers, you should be able to click on and view them.

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AGE : 17, GENDER : MALE. I met this girl in the begining of the ninth grade, I knew who she was but I never had talked to her until we got seated beside each other in class that year. We talked a lot inside and out of class that year and became good friends. In grade 10 we were at a party and one of her friends said she wanted to hook up with me. Long story short nothing escalated that night (both of us were to drunk). This was the point I actually thought I might have feelings for her. She started dating a guy a couple months later which didnt upset me that bad. We continued to talk a decent amount when she was in the relationship... He would often cheat on her and people would tell her but she was pretty indenial about it. He ended up breaking up with her after about a year. Towards the end of there relationship I started to get feelings for her again. When they broke up we hung out began to hang out alot more and texted everyday. It didn't really turn into anything else but being good friends. I started dating a girl from another school a little after that and when I told her she seemed really upset. We didn't really talk much after that for the next couple months until one night when my girlfriend was out of town. We talked for a while just catching up and what not. That night we both had some drinks and we ended up kissing for a few seconds (it was mutual and was the first time it happened). We didn't talk for a while because I still had a girlfriend and I didnt want to screw that up. Like 2 months later I realized my girlfriend wasn't for me and broke up with her. I didn't have feelings for the other girl at this time either. But once grade 12 started this year I began talking to her a lot again and realized how strong my feelings were for her. I guess the past 3 years we had some bad timing with everything but now we are both single. At parties we flirt a lot and she always wants me to stay with her a lot when other guys hit on her. I'm posting this to try to get some feedback on how I could tell her my feelings even though I think she might know. Thanks for reading!

With all the time you've spent on and off keeping in touch and being friends, it won't be as awkward as saying something to someone you just met.
Whatever you say, don't skirt around the issue for fear of losing her as a friend, thats the biggest mistake people make. The other doesn't pick up on it, they part ways for good, marry others and then spend their entire lives wondering 'what if'. If the 'what if' turns out to be that both of you want to pursue a relationship with each other, it's a good thing since you've never totally been able to lose some kind of interest in her, whether as a friend or romantically. Both are important in a relationship. You've figured out already that you can be good friends. An eventual long term partner or future marriage mate, needs to be your best friend and you hers. You'll also need to be able to connect on a sexual level, having the chemistry and total love, not the fleeting thing called New relationship energy which mimics the real thing but only lasts a short while maybe months then disappears. So far, I'd say from what you've shared that she is very interested in you and enjoys your company. So what you have to lose by asking if she has any interest in you besides friendship, such as romantic interests, or if she's at least willing to checking that out? It may be uncomfortable if she doesn't feel the same. But what you have to lose is a great relatioship and great girlfriend is you never ask.

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I'm 16/f. I have a boyfriend and I really do love him but I wouldn't go as far as sex for a long time because I want to be super mature about it and make sure he's the one I wanna lose my virginity to. Although, I want to go as far as third base with him. But I'm just wondering if it'll be awkward? What does it feel like? Will I reach an orgasm? I just want to be very educated!

First, if you are scared, then you are not ready, or he's not the right guy. And if you do decide to go through with it, you can still get pregnant if only fingering and oral sex is done is he is unclothed and any precum gets near the vagina or placed inside via fingers. So make sure you get on birth control cus guys don't usually wear condoms if doing something other than total penetration.

That said, if you are interested in learning more about sexuality, I know of a site on you tube done by a gal who started when she was a teen and is now in her 20's, all on dating, relationships, puberty, anything pertaining to sexuality, your sex organs, what you identify as, etc....many many informative videos that are short but packed with good info. I suggest you look her up and start viewing and learning.

https://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen/featured

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Hi! I'm really into Evanescence but I can't seem to find any more music like it. I've tried fall out boy and nickelback but they don't have the... I guess, real emotion behind what they're singing. Any suggestions?

Did an online search 'groups similar to Evanescence' and got lots of hits. Here's one and you can search for more this way.

http://www.mademan.com/mm/5-bands-evanescence.html

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My boyfriend and I are both 16 and we have been dating for a few weeks now and 2 days ago was his birthday. We hungout and had a great time and now it's 2 days later and I haven't talked to him since. I've tried texting and calling him and he hasn't answered either. I'm getting really worried something is up. I've contacted his friend and he wasn't with his friend the past couple of days. I'm worried this is his way of getting rid of me or breaking up. What is your advice or opinion about the situation? Plz and thanks.

Gummy bear listed 3 possibilities, I have another couple
4. Being it's the Holiday break period during which your concern came up, either his parents preferred/demanded he spent more focus on 'family' time or he is the type who does enjoy family time. This in a guy is natural, to have a handful of things that are important to him and he is capable of juggling all in his life through he'll have probably 3 main focus's. Family and work or school could be some. Which means, time he focus's on texting you, is going to have to find time among his other daily duties or focus's.
5. If his friend hasn't seen or heard from him, it could be that something, if not family trip/visit to relatives or perhaps him being ill and in bed, too ill to want to text or talk, just sleep, (like a bad flu) could be what keeps him from answering. Or perhaps he left the cell at home when taking off with the family for a couple days.
6. He may be one of those guys who doesn't enjoy texting. I know lots of young people do but when it comes to a relationship with a girl, some guys rely heavily on other factors to help them understand a girl cus she's quite a foreign creature to him and at times hard to understand. Some guys want to hear her voice on the phone to hear the tone of her voice to understand when she is teasing or serious for example. Some don't even feel comfortable with phone calls and prefer most their interacting with her done in person where he can also watch her body language and facial expressions to help him understand her better. You've known him only 2 weeks, not enough time perhaps to know what he is more comfortable doing in this case to keep in touch.

7. A misunderstanding? Perhaps you said or did something that he took wrong, but now is afraid to approach you about it to clear the air. Many teens don't feel sure enough about themselves let alone a possible gf/bf to actually bring up a concern and talk about it. Not saying you did anything wrong, he just may have taken it take way which would mean the problem lies with him, not with you. When you're back at school, just mention that the days he didn't respond had you concerned and ask him what was going on for him those couple days, you just might find out he was in the hosp. cus his grandpa was in emergency, had a heart attack and he's very close to him and could think of nothing else. That's natural and doesnt mean he doesnt care about you, you just weren't numer 1 on his attention list for a good reason and now you can comfort him, knowing what really happened. If something serious happened, wouldn't you want to know so you can hug him and tell him you're praying for him and the family?
8. As one person said, it could be his immature way of breaking up but not likely. It could be many other hairbrained wild possibilities your mind is capable of drumming up, like some friend at school dared him to date you for a couple of weeks even though he wasn't interested. I know, hurtful and immature but teens do crazy things at times. This also is very unlikely.

So, in the end, I hope you have realized, it is best not to worry, not to jump to conclusions like he's breaking up, and to not let your imagination run wild. Cus in the end, what we can imagine is often going to be far off target, have no truth to it and worry us all for no good reason at all. The best thing is to talk to him about it. Find out information without accusing him of anything. How about asking him first at school what He did with the remainder of his school vacation after you saw him on his birthday.
That way you may gain info that explains what happened without having to mention that you called, and got worried over no answer. If his answer doesnt provide any information, you could then say you called and got worried when he didn't respond at all for the next couple of days. If you really want to know the truth, let him know it's okay for him to share with you if he has changed his mind about dating you. Or you can go on pretending he's your boyfriend in your mind while he is continueing to ignore you and that doesnt feel any better. I would suggest letting him know you are okay with anything he has to share...cus lots of guys are afraid of how to handle a girl crying if he's no longer interested or throwing a mental fit in front of him, coming unglued and angry. He won't feel comfortable sharing the truth with you (if its bad news) if he thinks an emotional outburst is coming. I know it hurts but it won't be that you are lacking in any way, he and you just may have nothing much in common other than attraction to looks. If a guy can't be your best friend, like a girl friend, in addition to the romance between you, then it's not worth trying to force the relationship cus it will eventually fall apart on its own. This is part of life. You need to have a heart open to the risk of being hurt to be able and available to find a nice guy who cares about you enough and returns the same feelings you have for him. I hope this gives you something to think about and determined to communicate with him and find out the truth. If he does still like you very much, then you might discuss some ground rules for the relationship. Such as if he's busy and focused on something else and cant talk or doesnt want to talk right at the moment, that he at least have a pre programmed response he can send you quickly. Like for example: Cant talk now. Contact U later. Love you. Then you need to stop calling and wait to hear from him. If he ends up being the kind of guy who is the silent type and doesnt communicate much or often, it doesnt point at a lack of interest in you, it's his personality and if your the social butterfly and chatty, the two of you may be too different to make it work. Good luck!

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I know none of you our docters, but I am so desperate. I'm 16 and I've been taking exlax almost everyday for over a year. Sometimes when I go off and I just have alot of coffee and then I'll go, but I have coffee every morning and it isn't working anymore, I can't go days feeling bloated and gross, and I try eating foods that will help like prunes and fruit but nothings working. Is there anything I can do? I'm freaking out please help!

Also, your body can get addicted to over the counter medications for anything you can think of, nasal spray for stuffy nose...happened to me, and of course, anti diarrhea meds or constipation meds as in your case. I once read a warning about those two when reading a book from a friend on embracing one's menopause years naturally. It said that being plagued with the extremes of going from constipated to the runs next with out me doing a thing different was one of the things that would happen, and to expect it. But it told not to take laxatives or anti diarrhea meds because that would only mess my body up further and I would become dependent on them and make my problem actually worse.
I can't even guess what it was that started you on this path but right now, I'd say your body has 'unlearned' how to do a natural process in this years time and its high time you get some expert professional help, perhaps a dietician to help. I do know that some exercise will help move things along. When I began to some some stretchs like yoga, even a simple one of laying on my back and bringing one knee at a time up to my chest in stretches, that helped move things along. Walking, bicycling or any other exercise that will pump the legs or twist and exercise the torso help me too. Even dogs will go better after a walk. I remember dogs we've had who when let out in the yard to do their thing in the morning or before a walk, rarely went poo, but about halfway through a walk, all of a sudden they needed to go and wouldn't walk any further until I let them poo. The walking was enough exercise to move things along to the point of the urge to go. Sometimes I will massage my stomach deeply like kneading dough, not to hurt but enough to help massage the gut and sometimes it helps with releasing trapped gas. You might want to study what items you drink or eat have a tendency to dry you out to the point of not being able to go. Increasing water is a help but alcohol dries a person up, coffee does to others, while to others coffee gives the runs. Too much starchy foods can block you up too. I will even go as far as to say in my experience that ones moods and emotions can play a part. When upset or stressed for more than one day or two, I will either get the runs or become blocked up. Emotions can affect our body health in many different areas. I don't believe at your age that it is one big thing that has become a medical issue/problem, but likely a handful of innocent seeming things or situations that all add up to cause this problem. Seeing the Dr. would be a good start. If they prescribe a new stool softener without suggesting other changes, you might ask to see a dietician and getting more help on at least the food/nutrition part of it and doing some online research yourself to find non ingestable ways to help your situation along like particular exercises. Put in searches for 'alternative health options for constipation' or a phrase like 'exercises that help with constipation', try different phrases until one comes up with some hits and then study and try what you find. But start with a Dr. to rule out any major life threatening problem or some abdominal obstruction. Good luck dear.

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I have an anxiety disorder, and this year the bus route changed and my ex boyfriend, the girl who hates me and spreads rumors about me, and my old best friend, who my ex left me for, is on the bus. I have a panic attack every time I go on, I can't handle it, I have to ask for rides before and after school everyday (it's a 20 min drive) from my parents and older sister everyday and they are tired of it. I have to pay for the gas money, and I don't even have a job and I'm running out of money. And sometimes when I call my parents to see if anyone can drive me, they get so annoyed and force me to take the bus.
At the beginning of the year I thought my panic attacks would eventually go away, but they never did.
I don't know what to do. I once waited 4 hours to get a ride, then to take the bus I'm so desperate. Does anyone have any advice?
And no the school won't let me switch buses, I asked.
I just can't go on the rest of the school year like this.

Are you keeping your anxiety disorder to yourself or do your parents know about it? The world is a rough place these days and there are more people around me now than when I was younger who have anxiety problems and are seeing a doctor for it. A friend of ours in late 30's take a medicine for anxiety daily. So it's not just a teen thing. I am not a medical professional but I believe some people if they are really sick and tired of living with an anxiety can work through it to over come it and it all has to do with having a normal healthy mind capable of doing so, otherwise Dr. intervention is needed.
I had huge social anxieties when I was grade school thru high school age. It wasn't until my last yr in H.S. that I discovered a way to get over it. We called it being 'shy' back then, but I also was terrified of people talking to me, noticing them staring at me, or noticing them talking about me to others. I had a fear of people. Some were understandable, those who called me 4 eyes, or mutilated my last name into something they joked and made others laugh over, pushing me, and once, a friend stopped talking to me for months without any explanation why which made it uncomfortable to see her at school when she wasn't talking. Luckily a new girl began a friendship up with me and my friend finally came back. But I've have to face all sorts of fears my self.
To some extent, I feel that facing our fears can take the sting out of them, little by little and allow for our self confidence to grow so we get to the point that what others are saying or doing doesn't bother us anymore. Not talking about daily bullying...that should not be tolerated and if thats whats going on, it needs to be brought up to school officials and your parents. But if you are so anxious over what your mind is thinking and believing that others are saying or thinking about you, whether it's true or not, then that's something (if there's no chemical imbalance in your brain) that you should be able to work through to overcome as it has to do with your thoughts which are mostly wild imagination all on the negative side. I am a grandma and the thoughts that still automatically come to mind first are of a negative nature. I have to catch those thoughts and tell myself to stop thinking negative...that there is no fact or truth based to those thoughts that they would ever come true and then I replace them with a few positive, good happy thoughts. I found that running from my fears, which taking another bus in my opinion would be. did not help me get any better. My Dad was a natural extrovert and made friends easily, no anxieties. I wanted to be more like him.
So you can do either what you've been doing but get no better ever in life. Or go see a Dr. to see if there is a medical reason for your anxieties, or at least try first to get over it yourself and if it doesnt work, then finally going to a Dr. A book on how to get over negative thinking is a very good start if you want to work on it yourself. I've had people hate me for no reason. If you know you truly did nothing wrong towards people like these, and yet they continue to act that way, it's likely due to immaturity, mainly the part of brain that helps a person make good decisions and treat others better is not yet done growing, not mature and wont be until the mid 20's or later. Some mature a little faster than others but not by much. So these people who are brats and trouble makers now, can later in their 20's be very nice people. I remember the shock at 10yr reunion of those who were the snotty in crowd who ignored you or teased you had changed and become really nice people by 28 and I actually enjoyed talking to them and them with me, we were now acting as equals. There is hope.
Seeing an ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend shouldn't be a problem unless they are bullying you. If they ignore and say nothing, then that's good. Picture yourself before hand seeing these people and if they look at you or say hi to you, you are saying Hi to them and try to collect a certain amount of "Hi's" spoken, or acknowledging their presence for the day, for the week. You don't expect them to be chatty with you, you don't have to say anything else to them. Just because you once interacted with them and don't now doesn't mean you should feel bad in their presence. Sorry this is so long but I've been there and keep coming up with things to share out of my experience. You will find in life, even as you're older, in your 20's and so on, that you will get into relationships and fall out of them and it will depend more at that point on whether or not you really have anything in common with those girls for girlfriends or whether things in common with those guys as a boyfriend or possible life long mate. It's a learning experience hon, so we date a person only for one of us or both to discover we have too many differences and are not a good match. Thats a given in life, we cant be a perfect match for everyone we meet, even social friends but that's how it is. Is doesn't mean something is lacking in you, that you are imperfect in some way, just that the two are not a good match for friendship or more. If you can understand that and hold your head up high and know that possibly, these people on the bus don't actually hate you because they won't associate with you, they without consciously knowing it, just stopping hanging with you probably due to not enjoying the friendship fully because of the two of you not having enough in common. Sometimes it can be due to the immaturity of the other person. Just understand it is them with the problem in that case and that is may not be life long. In time they may grow up to be nice people. So seeing these people shouldn't really terrify you. You are more terrified in your mind I am guessing by the what if's like I was. I was terrified over what I would say if someone who stopped being friendly towards me were to speak to me again. What would they say? Would it be nice or mean, would it make me sad, angry or want to cry or happy? Would they be able to get others to ignore me? And that reminds me, When I changed schools in the 3rd grade, the popular girls all came to talk to me and told me to avoid 'Twila', that something was wrong with her, that she was a terrible person. Now most young kids wanting to make friends might easily fall into this trap and begin to do as they say and ignore the other person for no good reason. I on the other hand had a natural curiousity and suspicious nature due to my astrology signs and went to meet the shunned girl myself. She was in fact my new next door neighbor. I found nothing wrong with her, other than our personalities didn't click as friends and we had nothing in common of interest. But I made that decision myself. Even in HS, lots of teens haven't learned that yet or are too afraid to think and act outside the box of what the peers are doing, afraid to be themselves and choose their own path, not follow someone elses. A kid who is too immature to get to know you for yourself right now, would rather believe in rumours and isn't willing to approach you in friendship on their own, isn't worth spending time with anyways and isn't worth your time worrying over. You wouldn't enjoy a false friendship with them anyways. So no loss there. I know it is important to have some friends though. If you are too shy and have none as of yet, let me know, I can share the steps to overcome shyness which will help in making friends. If you had a friend or two to absorb your attention while on the bus, it would become easier to ignore or think about what the other people you know are thinking, saying or doing. This means, learning how to pick out someone who rides the same bus whom you don't know yet, someone else who also doesn't have a friend on the bus...cus there are many others like yourself who may struggle with anxiety and actually be even worse off than you. If you can find the braveness with in you to reach out and start to talk to and befriend some of the others who are shy or anxious or simply different in some way, like being a nerd, or maybe one of the only few goth's in school, you'll begin to have a circle of real friends and develope some confidence in yourself.
Sorry, I rambled as the thoughts came to me. If you want to go over this more, you can write to me by going to my column and contacting me from there. Good luck and I wish you the best.

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My husband and I have been married for over a year now. He is a spender and I am a penny pincher. However, when it comes to the holidays I like to spend freely. For Christmas he was against having a budget planned so we didn’t know how much we spent on each other. I spent probably over $200 on him. Luckily he left all the price tags on my presents and it amounted to about $80. Perhaps I’m the Grinch but what really bothers me is he spends so much on himself outside of the holidays.
He spends over $200 a month eating out, over the past few months he bought himself a new computer for about $2,000 for his computer games, then another $300 on his other toys per a month. For Christmas I felt he spent more time, money and effort buying for his friends than on me and our families. And I spent more time and effort finding gifts for his and my family.
When these events happen I start dwelling on other things. Like the fact my wedding band cost $35 and I spent over $200 on his. My engagement ring was given to him. When I add up the figures it really gets to me and I start thinking of him as a selfish fat pig. When I bring up the topic of money it turns into hurt feelings and an argument. Maybe I have a justice system complex. I feel left out, hurt, clueless and at a loss what to do.

In a years time, there isn't enough history to track what he is consistently like during holidays and special days like anniversary/valentines day. However if i am reading this correctly, aside from Christmas, it's his monthly spending on himself that is the biggest issues and points at a problem in your marriage. Many marriages break up over financial issues and that's why it is best to figure out if you two match in serious areas of life like this before marriage. As was already mentioned, attempting to have a talk with him about this, now in hindsight is all you can do. You can not change him. He has to want to change his spending and become more considerate of you and work out a budget that includes room for gift giving. It's the thought that counts, not the amount of the gift. However, in time, lavish uncontrolled spending monthly on one self and on gifts generally given can put you in a hole financially. And in a marriage, his debts are your debts, even if you had nothing to do with the spending.
One advise giver said that if he really loves you, a talk about how you feel is important to do. But be prepared because this talk may reveal more than you really wanted to know. A person so into himself or in love with himself often has no room to love others. In first marriage, I was told to pinch pennies, use food banks, buy 2nd hand. But it didn't apply to him. He spent $200. on the average, alone just on Starbucks coffees he purchased during day from a vender in office building and across the street. Food for himself was even more. He spent $200. in one evening on books on topic of making money online. His focus was never on me and how much he loved me. In fact, He was just using me for my piddley income so he could spend more. Said I couldn't stay home with the kids until I was laid off. He insisted I find a temp job which I did. God had other plans tho and the babysitter quit in the first month and a month of searching and trying everyone, no one had room for a child under age 2. I Had to stay home with daughter and I started a day care. At the end when we divorced, he confessed in front of me to a friend that he loved me as a person for being mother of his children but that he had never ever been in love with me. That is the key. If this man is not "In Love" with you, his conscious will not be prompted to change to please you and also be more responsible with a budget and less self centered. If he is in love with you, then a talk will yield results. He may be "in love" with the idea of having company, a roommate, someone handy for sex when he wants it. If he is self centered, then I am guessing he doesnt take time with you to make sure you are fully pleasured in sex first, before his release. I am guessing this is the most obvious sign out there for you but that there may be more once you start looking. Sounds like he'd prefer being parked in front of his computer playing games compared to some one on one time in conversation with you while rubbing your shoulders or feet or playing with your hair. I am also guessing he must be a young man in his twenties. My neighbor friend when I was younger had a husband and they had a child but this guy was more like a kid than a grown man, showing off to neighbors all the toys he kept buying himself. I never saw him spending time with his toddler nor hearing of special things he did for his wife. She had to run the household as he 'didn't have time for it' he was always playing. She asked him to keep to a budget but he blew it all the time. Some men accidently fall into marriage because they have their sexual needs, all attracted to a gal and the gal loses her heart to him before she really knows whether he is compatible with her on other important areas besides sex, which would be deal-breakers to getting married. I wasn't too smart when I married at 20. Many of us aren't and end up learning the hard way. You may be a very sweet, loving person but due to lack of understanding relationships, and lack of knowing what signs to look for of a dysfunctional man, you, like me, ended with someone less than perfect.
It is good that you are "adding up the figures" as you say, that you are now finally really scrutinizing all the bits and pieces of your relationship to him.
yOU are coming out of the fog of initial love and attraction and beginning to see for yourself what doesn't match up. Maybe over spending and being self centered in due to his age and he will change in time. He has to be willing to go to marriage counseling. At the very least get counseling on his spending and how to keep to a good budget, but that won't solve the fact of how he feels about you. I found some info on line once and added some of my own examples to it, about how to know whether a man really loves you or not. So check this out and see where you stand with him, if he comes out too low on the scale, you will have to decide whether you are okay with the same kind of treatment til the day you die, having kids with him and him being stingy on what is also spent on kids basic needs (provisional and love from him). If you can't stand the thought of spending decades with him, then you're with the wrong guy. Thats what helped me leave my ex. I knew I could handle getting by with no changes from him if I focused on just a day by day thing, even a month by month focus. I knew I could get just another year and when that year ended, look at the coming year and decide I could handle just one more year without things any better. But when I focused on living the next 25 years of my life the same way, something inside me freaked out and I began to cry and shake uncontrollably. It was beyond what I knew I could handle. I knew I deserved way better (he was verbally abusive as well) and was settling for less and wanted to at least live rest of my life free of him or better, finally find a man who cherished me. I found that man. Can't say I am telling you to leave him. You need to add up the figures yourself but I encourage you to do so. If the man truly loves you, he won't just make an effort for a month or two and be on good behavior but it will be a lasting thing if he doesnt want to lose you and you are the most important thing in his life. I sure hope this is the case and its just his youth that got him side tracked from with is important and that he will listen to 'reasion' from you and a counselor.
If you have anything else in particular you
want my perspective on regarding your relationship, feel free to go to my column and write me from there. This kind of situation is close to my heart. I'd love to hear back from you sometime as to how things are going. Mention a little of something you first wrote so I'll know who you are. Best wishes!

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Please help!!! Worried about my boyfriend.

Well I ve been with this guy for like 8 months. It s a long distance relationship. He lives in a different state. . well he treated me like shxt and he says he does it because he's stressed out. And I was gon leave him a acouple of days ago and he said he was gon kill himself. Well earlier yesterday , he said he was in danger and that he needs me and to stay with him. He said something about people putting him in a gas chamber and that he gets gassed and he's going to die. Idk if that's another excuse of him trying to keep me in the relationship. I tried to call his phone but it went straight to voice mail. I haven't talked to him in a day. hes been stressed out. I can't stop crying im worried

If you have his cell phone number as well as internet contact, those things can be traced by professional who can help. If you know what state he lives in, look up on line the crisis center number for his state and ask them what can be done, that you only know him from long distance and have his internet address and a cell number. They will let you know if there is something they can do for him.

Since it is an LDR, what happens on line is mostly imagined, pretend, there is no way to validate whether anything is real if not there in person, so even the most innocent thing such as where one works or attends school can be made up to impress. He sounds like he is talking nonsense, by talking of gas chambers and being gassed. At the same time he talks about killing himsself to keep you with him. You don't threaten things to keep someone with you. You are with someone if you genuinely respect and love the person. If he doesnt treat you that way, thats a good reason to leave the relationship. What he is possibly doing is playing a mental game with you, to make you feel guilty so you stay online with him out of guilt and fear, fearing guilt if he were to actually commit suicide. Of those who threaten suicide because of relationship issues, a good many never do, it's their last chance to clutch onto something they don't want to let go of. I've had someone threaten me of the same and he's still alive today. It was an in person relationship so it was easy to see it was a ploy to keep me there with him. When I tried talking about his threat and why he'd say it, I learned he didn't mean it, he confessed just saying that to keep me with him. Of course, there is a chance that he has a mental illness with the way that he is talking, and needs professional help. He may be a fine normal person once on meds and under a Drs. counseling but there's no way to know if he's on it or not. I used to care give for mentally ill people, like house cleaning and help grocery shop. I got to see first hand how much of their threats were more of a tantrum than seriously following through on it. I saw more frustration with themselves personally for not being able to easily handle daily things that the rest of us handle without any problems. It's the frustration of not being as normal as someone else and a fear of losing out on some things in life that I saw in the people I did caregiving for. I had to take them to and attend their counseling meetings and the counselor often spoke to me separately to get my feedback on what was going on or telling me how to work with them and the issue they were having while I was with them. So I do have some handle on this. This guy needs help and you may not be able to help him get in touch with professional help. All you can do is pray is police or crisis centers aren't able to.
I had to call para medics only once when one client had worked themselves into a frenzy breaking things in their home in anger and chanting how they wanted to kill themselves. Just seeing the medic's had her snapping back out of it and saying she didn't mean it and she was okay now and they didn't end up having to take her to hosp. after staying and observing her for a while.Do the best you can and then leave it in God's hands.

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I'm 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and I am working on my combined masters and doctoral program. I am really trying to gain independence from them because they are controlling, in an extremely unhealthy way. Let me just give you an idea of how unhealthy they are. When my mom gets her nails done with me, and she doesn't like the color that i've picked, she will tell the nail technician to change my color and will make a big stink about it. I have class and work 3 times a week. The other days, I need to study. I have a lot of work.
At home, there is no privacy. I do not even have my own room, which was one of the reasons I decided to go to this university. I needed a place to study. I did not want to go to where I did my undergrad, because they would have expected me to live at home. Yet, they still find ways to control me nearly an hour away.
My mom cries because she says that she doesn't want me to be driving on the expressway. They even went as far as to suggest that I don't have a car with me while I'm over there so that I don't get tempted to drive back. However, I need my car to get to work because although i work for the university, I don't work right on campus. I work about 10 minutes away. On the days that I'm not over there, my mom wants to drive to the university, pick me up, and take me home. She wants me to be home 4 days a week and in my place only 3 days. I think that would be fine if it wasn't so rigid. If I wanted to come back home. But, she wants me home whether I want to be there or not, whether I have a big project or something going on. When I'm home, I don't even have the opportunity go out with friends. They don't want me driving at night, they like for me to be home by 11. Even though I don't have a "curfew," they will blow up my phone. The only way that they are okay with me going out and being out late is if I'm on a date and the guy is driving. Yet, my boyfriend is not allowed in my house because they hate him.
I just feel like they are controlling me so much. I always thought that when I moved out, it would be different. I thought that once I got married, it would be different. But, if they are so controlling, I don't know how to get them to stop. I just want to have a normal life. I don't want to come home at 2 in the morning. I want to come home at 11 or 12, but I'd like to drive. I'm a grown woman. I would like to be able to spend one weekend in my apartment (if I feel like it) and not be dragged out by my hair. I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying. I understand worrying, but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like life isn't worth living anymore if it's all about them controlling me. I have no peace.

The plain fact is, you're not ready to be totally free from their control or you'd be doing it.
What may be holding you back is that the measures you'd need to take, you fear will send the message that you no longer love them and will hurt them greatly.
Your mom's problem is that she doesn't have a life. that saying "Get a life" is important. Some people reach your moms age and have never done anything for themselves, always been in service to others, as a wife to husband and as mother to her children and has tried to live her life through others rather than find one of her own. She can have her own life and still have you in hers but not in such a stranglehold way.
She may be doing what her own mom did to her, steal your life away, so your life is lived to please someone else, or mom. Then you end up with no life of your own either and possibly will do the same to your own kids one day, controlling them as you try to live your life you never had, through them.

Need idea's? Read on.
First, never EVER, go to get nails done with Mom especially if she's paying...dont' ever put yourself in a position of owing her cus she's paying. If you still want to go with her, pay your own way. You may be her child but she's the own acting like one in this case so you will need to be the adult. A child, even a grown one, who doesn't get their way throws tantrums. So be prepared for this from her. Too many parents give up when their kids throw tantrums and end up with a spoiled brat. Your mom has never had anyone stand up to her, or if they did, she no longer trys cus they trained her that her controlling and meddling won't work with them. So next time, you look at the nail technician and say, I am paying for my own manicure and nail polish so I will have that color, not what my mom said. You turn to Mom as soon as she complains or attempts bossing you or the technician around, and in a calm controlled voice keep repeating one phrase until she quiets down long enough for you to be heard, yes....talking over her while she's squawking. You say "Mom, if you keep insisting to choose colors for me as if I were a non-person, I will no longer get nails done with you." At some point she is hopefully quiet enough for you to ask if she understand what you said. Then ask her to repeat it back to you. Then ask if she is willing to do it. If not, remind her then that this was the last time doing a mother-daughter date out.
If you are on the family phone plan...get off it. As long as she's paying, she'll abuse the power of that position. Get your own phone. You may not be able to afford your ownj iphone, but there are still old style flip phones out there for just calls and texting. Do internet on your laptop. I have a plan $25 a month unlimited calls, texting and long distance, nothing extra ever. That's affordable for a college student. Make sure to get a restricted number and do not hand it out to mom. You call then when you want to talk and tell her you have to go when you're ready to end the call. If she keeps talking, talk over her again without raising your voice repeating a phrase. I really need to go now Mom but I love you." If you have to repeat it several dozen times before she acknowledges it, so be it, it'll still take up less time than listening to her for the next couple hours.
Use this same tactic with anything your mom insists on having her way. Do the same regarding the car topic. If you don't want to go home 4 times a week, say so. If she tells you that she's driving over to come get you, you simply tell her it will be a wasted trip because you will not be leaving. If your mother cries as much as you say she does, she needs professional help. And you can't give her that. If opening the door to mom means she pushes her way in, grabs you and your purse and drags you out the door physically, then don't open the door to her, talk to her through the door and let her know you meant what you said earlier, you are not going to her house.

Now, does she treat everyone like this. If you have siblings surely they get some of the same. Is there a Dad? If so let him know of your concerns. Perhaps she controls him too so he has no opinion. In that case you might check with any living sisters or brothers of hers or her parents and let them know what is going on. That you are concerned for her when she cries for hours as you assert your own independence and choices. You might want to tell them all details as you've written here and more and ask if they would suggest to Mom that she go to see a Psychologist because this just isn't normal. She won't take this well coming from anyone but it least likely to consider it if coming from her own child. But the possibility if caring adult family members other than her kids were to talk to her, eventually she may warm up to the idea of getting help. People will such strong controlling tendencies will do it with not just one person but many, however one person can be their target more often than others. This is a mental health issue that other people suffer from as well and the need for intervention of a professional is a must. And even so, with help of a professional, some do not improve enough to avoid driving all family away from them and destroying relationships. You will have to be strong. Giving in to Moms demands means you're just feeding her problem just giving the drunk asking for money for alcohol is helping him to stay stuck.

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im a 14 year old girl. there is this guy i've liked for a long time and we finally started talking in September to october. hHe seemed to really like me too because he would flirt with me and compliment me a lot. We ended up having a fight and we didn't talk for like, a month. And then I texted him in late November and apoligized because i still liked him and I was thinking of him all the time. he acted like things were fine, but then early December he just stopped texting me. I tried talking to him in school, but he kept avoiding me, and he wont answer to my texts or social media tags, I've tried everything. About mid-December I texted him and was like "please talk to me", and I told him how much I liked and missed him. it's almost january and he never answered me back and he always brushes past me in school. I know he doesn't like me anymore and all my friends know he doesn't either. I just moved to a different school now, but I still can't stop thinking of him. I really like this guy, not like any other guy I've liked in the past (where I can just forget about them), even though he's ignoring me. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I know I need to get over him because he's not good for me, but I don't know what to do or how to get over him. I always think I have, but every night my thoughts wander to him and how I wish he just would text me. how do I get over this? please help!

Did you think that this guy was the one you would marry and have kids with someday? I understand you developed strong feelings but at any time in our teens, the real love between two people dating almost never ends up in a life long relationship. There will be many such love relationships along the way, each one a stepping stone up and better as you mature and learn more about the right and wrong things in relating to the opposite sex.

Also, it is not a given that if one person has strong feelings that the other does too. There is the initial attraction two people feel. Then comes the hanging out together or dating to get to know each other better. At your age, any things we find we don't like in the other person, we don't officially break up or say anything, just stop responding. Thats seem to be the usual teen response so one nevers knows what happened.
You apologized and it didn't make much difference, so beyong initial attraction or what is called, NRE New Relationship energy, there probably wasn't enough interest in him for you to keep in touch any longer. You say after apology he acted like everything was fine. Just acting like that doesnt mean it was. If all he did was text a couple times but never really spend the time hanging around you, then he lost his interest or any feelings he may have had. It may not be due to anything you say and did, just that there isn't enough in common or any chemistry to hold you together.
Think of a gift you wanted really bad for Birthday or Christmas when you were younger, you could hardly wait, the parents were constantly reminded and when the day came, You were so excited over this new toy and you played with it every day for maybe a week, then skipped days, then maybe just on the weekend or to show it to a friend and then it became forgotten at the bottom of the toy box. The toy didn't have what it takes to keep you interested long term, likely because you did not know yourself well enough yet to know what your greatest interests are or are going to be as you grow older. The same thing with love and relationships. The process to learning more about what you need and want in a guy and discovering thru some bad stuff what you don't like is not any easy fun process the entire time. You get your hopes up and then discover there's something you cant stand about a guy and break up. Guys do the same thing, they break up if they have the guts to do so, others are too chicken or afraid of making the girl upset or crying, and don't know how to handle, so they simply avoid the girl believing she will eventually go away if they never respond. At this age, there are more boys who break up with a girl by avoiding her than the other way, too chicken yet.

Memories of every guy in your life will never go away. The memories will always remain, it's just the hurt of the feelings that slowly over time will fade. Something will trigger a memory and you can smile with the memory rather than feel the great loss of them, the want to get back together. So when you think of him, tell yourself that he was just the first (or 2nd or whatever #) And that there will be many others for you to date and learn from the dating relationship. Once you do find the next boyfriend, your attention will be focused on someone new and that will help you not think of the ex guy so often. In meanwhile, keeping busy maybe with new pursuits will keep you from having time to think of him even at night. Lets say you joined a club at school, having fun and at night you're thinking of what plans to introduce to others at the next meeting for example.
Good luck!

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I'm a 18 year old girl and I'm not a big party person I'll drink maybe 2-4 times a month if that and haven't ever been a hard core drinker like some of my friends I've only been drinking since I was 17 and recently I have noticed that I will immediately get a headache from any kind of alcohol, beer, champagne, vodka. Doesn't matter what, after abut half a drink I get a horrible headache above my eyes. This is a total bummer since I can't enjoy having a few drinks with my friends anymore. The headache is sometimes but not always accompanied by a heavy feeling and feeling like my head is extremely hot even if I don't have a fever. I don't ever get hangovers either the next morning. I make sure to drink lots of water before and during drinking, can anyone explain or give me advice on how to fix this? New years is tomorrow and my friends 19th b day is only a few days after so any advice is appreciated!

I did research on line for instant headaches. What little was written about that mentioned bodies that biologically had reactions to something in alcohol.
Here's one site:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/545813-why-do-you-get-a-headache-after-drinking-alcohol/

Most Drs. on line answering those questions suggest simply never ever drinking. It's like considering that you are allergic to something that you ingest. Some are allergic to nuts or shellfish and if ingested, can cause reactions very severe like swelling and closing of ones throat so you can't breathe.
They had reports that women are more prone to the instant headache thing and that women with migraines or a tendency in their genetic makeup to eventually get migraines are ones who end up with the instant headaches. I get the feeling that there hasn't been enough studies on the phenomena but there are some basic scientific principles that ring true. Such a quick reaction is not just a weakness in you but more likely an allergic reaction. With a tendency for women with migraines to also get the instant headaches with drinking, I'd be afraid to continue drinking in fear of kick starting a life long problem of migraines that never go away. If you haven't experienced them, you dont want to do anything that will bring them on. I had only 4 episodes over my life, one lasting about 5 days. It is excruciating, I couldn't function in any way and also the pain made me nauseous enough to throw up as well. I couldn't do anything, bed ridden in a dark room. Since alcohol affects you differently than others, in a real negative way, I suggest you avoid it too, as Drs on line have noted.

If it's really just being part of the crowd, tell friends you are allergic to alcohol and leave it at that, everyone understands having to stay away from some food or drink that makes them ill or knows of someone with allergies. If it's a buzz that is most important to you, find something other than alcohol to give you a buzz. Something safe that is. If your state is okay with marijuana use, that's the only thing I can think of right now but there may be something else. I have learned to have fun, let inhibitions go, get giddy in public settings like parties without any alcohol or pot. I have had a couple people ask if I had had too much of something when I was totally sober.
So again, there is currently no medical explanation on cures for this. Simply avoid alcohol.

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How to get a cell phone

It depends if you want to buy your own phone outright or have a cheaper cost by choosing a cell phone provider first and using one of their phones.
Then you must all consider whether you will be using the cell strictly for phone calls and texting or whether you also want it for the internet. I only call and text with mine and prefer laptop for my internet.
Here is a list of cell service providers. https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=cell+phone+companies&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-001

Many can be found in Kiosks in Malls or with their own store front. Once you have looked up names of providers, then do a web search for stores in your area. Check out the difference of buying your own or basically renting a phone that you must return if you end the contract with them. Be sure before you decide on one because there are huge fees to pay if stopping service to switch to someone else. You should be able to walk into a cell service shop, choose your phone and calling plan and pay them and walk out with a working phone. Hope this helps

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Actually I needed some home remedies which could help me to finish off the growth of my white hairs and also which can hide my white hairs or make them black again.I am in really a great need of some solutions to this problem of mine.

As an older teen, I had a girlfriend 20 who had a head of completely grey hair, her younger sis was just starting and mom had done the same when young, it was hereditary. Have you even mentioned anything to mom...although it's not like she can't see it happening unless it is a few which is traumatic enough to you but perhaps not visible yet to other until it appeara in greater numbers. Find out find it there is anyone else on either side of the family who got white or grey hair early. And read the following article that confirms its due to genetics and does happen as early as teen yrs.
They also say there is no medical way yet found to make the white hair go back to normal coloring.
http://www.ehow.com/about_5367644_reasons-white-hair.html

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I've struggled with EDNOS and the last time I purged was on Thanksgiving.. But I haven't been eating enough. I used to get hunger pains, but now I drink water for food. I still eat, just not as much as I should. My hunger pains are gone, and I've been drinking water all day. It's 5 PM and I just ate for the first time today.

Is it bad that I don't get these pains anymore?

Please help.

You suffer from eating disorders and you want to know if something happening to you is bad? You want to know if it's normal or not?

Before I answer, here's an analogy that I hope gives you some perspective as to why I believe it's just too weird to even think of answering that question.

Lets say the weather is really cold. You never dress for the weather. You like wearing a bathing suit year round and that is what you are wearing outside now that there's wind chill and below freezing temps. And you want to know if it's bad that your skin is white or grayish-yellow and feels hard, waxy, or numb, or is blistering or becoming darkened or black which is some of the symptoms of severe frostbite. Most people would find it common sense to do something that is part of taking good care with your body, like taking measures to make sure you don't get frostbite by not being protected with warm clothing.

Likewise, deviating from the normal way a body gets it's nourishment to remain healthy is going to have serious repercussions too. I am not a doctor, but lack of hunger pains could be a sign of something serious like your body getting ready to slowly shut down at which point you die. It can happen quickly too. So if you don't ask for help and get counseling to help you deal with your eating disorder, within time, you won't be around for us to answer any further questions. This is a matter to be taken seriously. Many doctors and professionals are well versed on all the symptoms of such disorders and how to help their patients, as it seems to be pretty common among young girls these days. I know of a person whose body was deprived of sleep because of a medical condition they didn't seek help for. Only when they were at the point their body was beginning to shut down major organs you need to survive did they go in for help. Heard the meds they had to take for a couple days were several thousand a piece...got the facts straight as it is a distant family member. So not making it up. When a body is deprived of things it needs like sleep and proper nourishment, it reaches a point it can no longer keep alive the organs that are vital to being alive. Please tell the parents, Go see medical proffessionals who know how to help you with your own willingness too, into fighting Ednos to get back to health again cus if you don't, lack of hunger pains is the least of your worries, death and whether you get cremated or buried will be the only concern.

Not trying to sound callous here, but you're in a seriously bad spot. Water is not a food replacement, it may hydrate your body, but a body can't run on water alone...you need food. that's like putting oil into the car but failing to fill up the tank with gas. At some point the car quits running, even though its got fresh oil.

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21/f, 28/m

Long story short: I've been with a guy for a 7-8 months.

I have this gut instinct that majority of the time is correct. For example, my gut instinct tells me to bring an umbrella but I don't, it starts raining later on. I had a gut instinct a few days ago that something was wrong in my relationship. I decided to ignore it because it I didn't understand what it was about. Later on, his ex-girlfriend started popping up in my mind and I thought I was just being paranoid. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and that if something were to happen, he would tell me himself.

In the end, I snooped and went through his phone and saw a short conversation between them two. I was not worried about her because she was the one who broke up with him, but I did question his loyalty towards me. It turns out my gut instinct was correct. I didn't mind him trying to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, the only thing that had me change my mind is what he said to her. She asked him for a link to a website that he used and said she was sorry for interrupting. He said that she shouldn't be sorry and that he "missed having her in his life". She asked if he has been dating anyone and he responded, "yes, but they're nothing compared to you. You set your standards up pretty high. You should be proud of yourself." And she said thanks and the reason why she was asking was because she wanted to know that he was moving on. She said that she has been dating a few people and that she found someone that she really liked but the only downside was that he lives in Australia. His response was, "oh, congratulations" and she said, "Thanks for the link. I hope you're doing well and you'll find someone that's good for you. We just weren't the right fit."

I was upset when reading it. I wanted to give him a chance to tell me. In the end, he did admit to me that he spoke to her a few days ago... He told me partially the whole truth, but not the whole truth. He tried convincing me by showing me his messages to her, but he DELETED the "i miss having you in my life," "yes but nobody compares to you" messages. He lied to me, told me I was being crazy, and that was the whole message. I then told him that he deleted something and he denied it for two hours. I revealed to him that I was snooping and I did happen to read it. I'm not saying that it was right to snoop, I was just hoping that my gut instinct was wrong and was a false alarm. He got quiet for awhile and then he finally admitted that he did delete a few messages.

I was really upset. I told him that I was fine if he wanted to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, but the reason why I was not okay with it now was because of the way he spoke to her. I thought it was rude and disrespectful towards me. She's dating someone and she's not telling him that she missed having him in her life, etc. I said I would've considered it fine if he just sent her the link and just said, "hey, it's no problem. How are you doing?" versus "I miss having you in my life."

I told him that I felt like it was disloyal, dishonest, and disrespectful towards me. He couldn't see it... He didn't see it as him being disloyal. He apologized for lying and he told me that he doesn't want to get back together with her. He admitted that when we first started dating, he wasn't completely over her and that he was still debating about me. He then said that his feelings for her has changed up until now and his feelings for me have changed, too. He said he just wanted to be friends with her because she was a big part of his life and it was upsetting that she didn't even want to be friends with him (at least right now). And that he wanted to be serious with me.

He said that the way he worded the way he said those things to her, was that she knows him better than anybody else and he knows her better than anyone else other than her parents, she would understand what he meant. But it didn't seem like it to me if she asked him right afterward if he was dating other people. I told him that I was uncomfortable of him talking to her that way, and if she didn't want to be friends, I thought it would be healthy for him to let it go.

If anything, he got defensive. He seemed to use the fact that I "snooped" a bigger deal. He said he didn't feel guilty of the conversation or the way he spoke to her but he did feel bad that I read it. I told him that if he told me everything from the beginning, I wouldn't have snooped, I would have trusted him to continually tell me things like that if he told me the first time. He didn't see it as him being disloyal, but he did apologize and see fault in lying. He told me he didn't want to tell me because during the day that she messaged him, he thought about it only for about that day and they didn't talk for months before. And after that, he forgot about it and focused on me. He tried seeing me more and he wanted to make me his priority.

After him lying to me and the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I was hoping to gain some perspective from a third-party on this situation. What do you think I should do? Do you think he's telling me the truth? Or is he lying? Should I forgive him and set boundaries and consequences? Or should I completely leave him?

Him saying he misses her in his life is one thing...bad enough. But if these are the actual words, then he shot himself in the foot with, " "yes but nobody compares to you"

He has a picture in his mind of what he is looking for, or thinks he wants in a girl and if no one else comes near it or is better than it, than he is not going to be loyal to her. I'd say you're just the spot filler, until he finds someone he really likes. Thats not fair to you.
Boundaries should be set at the beginning of a relationship. But way before finding someone to be in relationship with, I believe someone else is Way more important to do. I believe you wrote before and I didn't think anything was really wrong by what you wrote. This however is an entirely different matter. No problem chatting and saying hello to a past friend but the context of what he said is the problem. You're wasting your time with a guy who isn't all that into you. It is a good thing to practice forgiveness....BUT, forgiving someone doesnt mean you have to continue to be in relationship with them cus lying isn't the only problem, it just may be that the two of you are just not a good match for each other. It sounds like the past girlfriend was a bit more self confident as far as knowing what she wants from a guy and letting guys know what that is and not willing to settle for anything less. Since she left him, apparently your current boyfriend didn't match up to her high standards. You might be able to learn a lesson from her. I've read and studied and Yes, men are attracted to women who are confident, know what they want and not afraid to ask for it. This means the female sets the standards for the guy to meet and if he doesnt, She dumps him. This way of being will attract guys who are not good for you also, like moths attracted to a bug zapper. Before finding my 2nd husband on line, many guys wrote to me because as I have more recently had confirmed in my study on the internet, men just find a confident woman sexy whehter she's right for him or him right for her. I had literally hundreds of guys write to me...not bragging, thats how many guys are looking for a female for sex or companionship too and of course the greatest majority for totally wrong for me. How did I know? I had a list of criteria he must meet before I would even go out on a first date with the guy. If he couldn't meet those, I would write back, sorry but I am not interested.
You need to be in better touch with yourself, who you are, what you're passionate about in life, your morals, values, hopes and dreams etc... and based on that and really understanding what you need in a guy, you make a list of criteria. That is what dating is for, once you see enough good stuff to interest you on a surface level, you date to dig deeper and learn more. There is much to learn about another person and too often we don't talk enough and ask enough to learn really who that other person is at core.
I know you have no such list, because if you did, you'd be looking at it and realizing that you are not happy with him and he doesnt meet the standard of what you are looking for and expecting.
Hon, it can be depressing but you must keep your standards high to attract really good men. If you don't, you are basically training males to treat females with disrespect and not realizing it.
Here's something I came up against cus it takes a person a little while to let down the mask or false facade they hide behind when first meeting. I met a guy who seemed to fit my standards. Two dates and I was willing to continue to date more to see if I really did like him as a person. The 3rd date was at his house. He said he had cooked me dinner. When I arrived, he apologized for how terribly messy his place looked. It was clean and tidy as far as I could see, but his words are what set the alarm bells going, he was blaming a hispanic maid he hired for cleaning and calling her but all sorts of racial slurs and kept going, building up steam about how horrible a person she was. After that dinner, I went home and never saw him again. Oh, but maybe that might be the only time he said something bad about another person and it wasn't directed at me, right? Wrong. Before that, I came out of an abusive marriage, verbally abusive. I learned the hard way that the first sign of talking unkindly about another person and sharing that around, or the use of racial slurs, or venting anger, having a low view of women in his world instead of upholding them, meant that it was a matter of time before he would turn those same traits on me as the ex did. I dumped him. You need to let a guy go the moment he commits his first grievious error against you. But he won't know unless you tell him before hand what your standards are, that he has broken them. If you forgive him and keep him, he will know as any little kid disregarding their parents rules, that they can get away with it, every time cus there are no dreadful consequences. Theres a saying "fool me once--then shame on you, fool me twice, then shame on me". If you let the guy have a 2nd chance and he repeats his bad behavior,and you still don't leave him, it sends a silent message that you don't really love yourself enough to demand better treatment and leave the guys (who are warned at the beginning of dating) the moment they break a rule the first time. They pick up the message that you see yourself as no better than the 'kick-dog' something to be used and abused and let your frustrations out on or fulfill your sexual needs on without caring anything about you. You may as well be a blow up doll!

Okay, so what to do at this point? Hurry up and make up that list of what you will and won't put up with. Look closely at it, does me meet the main criteria. I had about 7 a guy had to meet. Another list of wants are not deal breakers like I prefer a guy with long hair but if he prefers shaving his head, thats acceptable too. So can you make your list and present it to him now? I don't think so. It's too late. You've already set the standard for his treatment of you by not having any standards. He is not going to change to keep you if his attitude of all women is to not put any effort into the relationship and try to get as much as he can out of it while doing nothing, being a lazy mate. Remember, that's why he was dumped, there's something wrong...either they just didn't have chemistry or he didn't put his half of hard effort into the relationship. As I always say, "Happily ever after doesnt happen just because you wish it so, It only happens when both parties put maximum effort in to make it so. That came from my experience in last marriage. I was the only one putting in 100% effort and he didn't. One partner carrying it all isn't enough to make a relationship work. You can pretend he is your boyfriend or me, my husband, but it was nothing more than an empty shell. Considering just the things he said, that shows where his heart is, whether you are important to him or not, lack of respect and worship of you as his partner, if he had done that to me, I wouldn't have wondered if he's telling the truth or not, I simply have left him the moment I read all that.
It takes some of us a lot longer to have enough respect for ourselves and love for ourselves to remove ourself from a bad situation or relationship. I was one of them. Stayed 30 yrs and raised kids together. However knowing what I know now, I hope to help girls like you set high standard and stick to them so you don't waste many years of your life with a loser.

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21/f, 28/m

Let me first say that I am the type of person who likes it when people fall through with what they say. I try to live up to my values, morals, and I try my best to be dependable, and I try my best to fall through with what I say. I don't ever cancel on someone unless I'm terribly sick. I would even show up late instead of not show up at all. So, this might be one of the reasons why this problem bothers me.

I've been dating this guy for almost a year. This sounds terrible for me to say, but when it comes to him falling through with what he says, I can turn him into a gambling game. There are times when he says that he'll show up to something, he'll call, etc. But then plans change and he cancels.

For example, a couple of days for Thanksgiving, I wanted him to go to the ranch for dinner, meet some of my family members, etc. He said that he will and that he was planning to... An hour before leaving, he cancels. For Thanksgiving, he actually does come over to my house and he got to know my parents and my sister. For Christmas, he finally did go to the ranch and met my other family members. There are many/multiple times where he does tell me that he will come and see me or he wants to see me, he doesn't fall through with it... Sometimes letting me know when it gets too late.

It gets to the point where I try to have low expectations and not expect him to come at all... I thought it would be better that if he did show up, then it would be a nice surprise instead of getting disappointed every time he doesn't fall through with what he says. And it's not that he doesn't have a valid reason to not show up or anything, I understand why he can't go or why he can't do something. It's just hard to not be at least a little bit disappointed because I was looking forward to it, preparing to see him, etc.

How can I stop getting disappointed when things don't go as planned or if he doesn't fall through with what he says?

First, I have no idea what you meant about turning him into a gambling game. As far as attempting to change another person, it's not possible. Change only comes from a desire within a person to do so, not by the efforts of people around them.

I think you meant the phrase "Follow through" as I've not heard of Fall through unless that's some new slang young people use. I believe the word you're looking for is renege, meaning when people go back on a promise.

There are those who habitually go back on promises and have nothing unexpected that came up to change plans.

And there are those who may have poor time management skills which may make it seem they are going back on promises.

Finally, there are those who meant to keep their promise but life brought the unexpected that altered their plans.

I have a family member who has it in their head that their idea of how their day show go, their idea of how their relationship should go, and how life should go, are too rigid, too exact, leaving no room for the inevitable unexpected things in life that can change ones plans and this person I've watched literally have a melt down over an item being forgotten at the grocery not having to go in to work late to take care of replacing a car window that vandals broke. They couldn't handle anything that wasn't playing in the movie in their head. I was called upon to go take their car in for new window. You are 21, and are going to find that life brings the unexpected more often than you would like. If you want to navigate life without major stress, depression or melt downs, then learn to expect the unexpected and learn to go with the flow of life rather than try to fight the current always trying to go upstream.
This guy doesn't sound like a flake, if he was, he would still be trying to avoid meeting your relatives. Did he explain why he had to change plans? If not, did you ask? Yes, you had a right to know why but if you didn't ask, then thats your problem, not his. There are some people in a job where there is no predicted time they will be done and that can mess up their schedule.
If he is a man who understands priorities as an adult and keeping them at the forefront, like his job for example, then he is actually a very responsible young man. Some young people see the clock hit quitting time but you are in the middle of a task that must be completed and can't wait until the next day. Are you going to risk a job just to leave 'on time' cus you planed to race to the bank before they close, etc... Imagine you are the last caller into a call center, needing assistance and the clock hits 5 and the person helping you hangs up because it is time to leave cus they have plans. I am not a counselor dear, and can't tell you what might help you not be so dissappointed when things don't go as you plan. In my family, the person with the same problem ended up diagnosed with a mental disorder. That may not be the case for you but a counselor can help you with restructuring any negative thought patterns. Good luck.

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My friend and I have been friends since elementary school, so this is someone I truly care for. Her boyfriend got arrested a month ago and this caused her to lose her mind practically. She is 21 and hanging out with her brother's 15 year old friends. It isn't that bad, until I realized she lets them drink alcohol, smoke weed (Her excuse is: they bring it themselves), AND co genders sleep in the same room. Her parents told her not to let her brother and his friends do that. She lives with her older brother who also stated not to let any of them in the house. When I went to visit her she snuck them in the back window. I asked her wth she was doing and she said that her family is just being assholes. I don't think she realises that if any of the KID'S (cause that what they are) parents find out what she is doing she could get into some serious trouble. I find this sad and pathetic, but I understand people go through problems. This is causing me to hate her. I don't want to be friends who supplies illegal substances to minors, because they boost her self-esteem, yet because of her state I am the only sane one she's got.

I can't say if having knowledge of what she is doing and not reporting it to authorities would make you as guilty as her according to the law. If I were you, I wouldn't wait to find out. She has free will to make good and bad decisions.

If she chose to date a guy who got thrown in jail, that could be an indication of her already making bad choice at that point IF she knew of his questionable character. If she didn't know and had enough time to fall in love, that could have messed with her mind and caused her to not make a good decision lets say once, allowing young teens co ed sleeping. But to the extent she is going to, I'd say something is wrong mentally and whether it's stress, immaturity or a mental disability, she needs to see a professional. You can only suggest she go see someone but as I said, she has a free will and can refuse. You mentioned the self esteem issue and that is enough to see a counselor for. But you have to watch how you word your suggestions.
You can do both, protecting the minors by reporting what is happening, hopefully being able to remain anonymous to her so you can be there to help her if and when she hits bottom as has been mentioned.

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my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We've told one another to block certain people on our social networks because of past experiences. She is now into these things with ultimatums. Stating that it's either something or her. She suddenly doesn't trust me out of nowhere and always accuses me of doing something I'm not supposed to be doing when Im not with her. It's getting to the point where our arguments are suffocating me. My best girl ffriend and I talked about kind of liking each other but left it at that due to the fact that we are both in long lasting relationships. My girlfriend found out and she hadn't had a problem till now. Now she wants me to block her and she wants to control who my friends are. I have to ask her permission to go hang out aND if she's not "comfortable" with it then I can't go out. Basically I am only allowed to hang out with her. She has done some great things I will always be thankful to her for but idk if that's the only reason why I'm staying in this. I don't want to block my friend because she nor I ever crossed the line even tho, to my gf, we did. I also don't want to block some of my friends cause they're my friends. I don't want my relationship to be based on fear and power. I told her I'd stop talking to them but not block them. To me, that is a compromise and relationships are based off of that. Am I right? Am I wrong? What should I do. Also, she is my first love since hs to now

sounds like insecurities to me due to not trusting you.
You used the word 'ultimatums' and from how you describe it, I am sure you got it right. However, just to be sure, is what she's doing, attempting to lay down ground rules and boundaries for the relationship? It should have been done at the beginning 4 years ago with both of you agreeing to them. However, if that is what she is doing, then both of you need to negotiate and agree to any rules without one insisting on what the other does without any choice in the matter.
You did mention that both of you have told each other who of your friends to block on social networks. So at least in that scenerio, it wasnt just her but you involved in this activity. that to me is a thing two people do if they don't trust each other. Trust takes time to grow and a relationship requires two mature people who spend some real time with each other, daily so they can learn to begin to trust, that doesn't come from watching movies together or other typical dates stuff without much interaction. In 4 yrs, I would think most people could get a good sense of their partner to know in their heart if they can 100% trust them or not. But to be honest, a lot of people fumble with this sort of thing as they learn all about relationships through the school of hard knocks. There is no class taught to teens and college age students called 'relationships 101' so we all need to learn the hard way by just the experience and we all make mistakes. God knows I made my share of them mostly from being too naive and not knowing any better.
What is needed is a personal want to improve relationships and also learning how to know who is right for you and who is not right for you. It's not the longevity of a dating relationship that is important, it is the learning whether with each new thing you discover about each other and you are still sure they are right for you. If there are too many things that do not meet your criteria for a girlfriend or later a spouse, then you break up and move on in your search.
You are right that there is compromise in relationships. However, Happily ever after doesn't happen just because we wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so. Both parties need to be willing. But before the compromising, you need to determine if your potential long time partner is on the same page as you on the most important things to you. What if you want kids someday in the future and she has decided growing up in a large family with tons of siblings that she doesnt want any kids ever? This is something good to know at the beginning, even if someone doesnt turn out cus if they do in other things but on the important issues to you, they don't, both of you would have to change who you are to make that sort of compromise. So keep that in mind.

You did say you have a female best friend and that you both mutually like each other. It may be that you meet each others emotional needs but not the sexual needs. A good healthy relationship has a solid foundation of two things, being each others best friend and the other, each other's sexual match, good chemistry, same libido etc...
Many relationships are based on only one of the two and therefore have great troubles along the way with a good possibility of cheating or divorce or a breakup in the future. Your girlfriend may be jealous of your female friend if she isn't sure of the status of the relationship. Just saying once that she's just a friend isn't good enough. If your girlfriend of 4 yrs is as good a friend as the other girl, then the only question is, are you both a sexual match. If the two of you do okay but it isn't the most perfect match, she will always feel inadequate and believe that you aren't fully satisfied and are going elsewhere to other females for that. I am in a 2nd marriage and my husband volunteers at odd times,( nothing to do with convo's of old girls who were friends) that I am the only one who has really enjoyed cuddling, enjoyed oral sex, etc... and he is so humbled that he gets to be the man who has me as his wife and lover. He tells me over and over how sexy I am, his eyes do not lie when passion shows in them...these are the kinds of things that reassure most mature women. However, there are always a few that can never be reassured no matter that you are doing everything right and if that is the case, it's time to break up. Her doubt will be a constant poison slowly killing your love for her. I've read that from studying male relationship experts on line. You may think she didn't have a problem until now. But unless you did something or said something recently to put doubt there, it was already there before, growing until the point she could no longer keep it inside. If you truly were in love with her, you'd want to show her off, to all your friends from your past, to your family, etc. My husband is like that. The male relationship experts say the same. They are men and know how men act. If he isn't wanting to bring the most important person in the world to him to meet with old friends, then yes, I can see her having a problem with it. A once or twice when she can't fit it in her schedule, you going off to meet a friend alone as long as she knows about it, should be okay as long as trust has been built. You've commited yourself by promising to not talk to them. Having them as social network friends but not talking doesnt make sense. Technically, that means you read about whats going on in their lives. You might not open a chat window but will she see clicking "Like" or posting a comment on something they posted as talking to them? Either you drop all old friends totally or keep them totally, there's no half way that she'll be happy with if you are not doing what she needs to be reassured. I can't say if you need more work on doing the right thing so she will trust you or if she needs to work on trust on the insdie, cus you've done everything right to assure her. Or perhaps both of you could use the gaining of some skills in your relationship. How important is she to you. If she may be the one you want to marry someday, then this is serious and both of you need to have good convo, getting out what your concerns are without accusations or assumptions, just letting the other know when you do this, it makes me feel like that. If there is room for change for the better on both parts and willingness to do so, then there is hope for the relationship. Hope this helps

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