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He lied to me about deleting a message to his ex-girlfriend
21/f, 28/m
Long story short: I've been with a guy for a 7-8 months.
I have this gut instinct that majority of the time is correct. For example, my gut instinct tells me to bring an umbrella but I don't, it starts raining later on. I had a gut instinct a few days ago that something was wrong in my relationship. I decided to ignore it because it I didn't understand what it was about. Later on, his ex-girlfriend started popping up in my mind and I thought I was just being paranoid. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and that if something were to happen, he would tell me himself.
In the end, I snooped and went through his phone and saw a short conversation between them two. I was not worried about her because she was the one who broke up with him, but I did question his loyalty towards me. It turns out my gut instinct was correct. I didn't mind him trying to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, the only thing that had me change my mind is what he said to her. She asked him for a link to a website that he used and said she was sorry for interrupting. He said that she shouldn't be sorry and that he "missed having her in his life". She asked if he has been dating anyone and he responded, "yes, but they're nothing compared to you. You set your standards up pretty high. You should be proud of yourself." And she said thanks and the reason why she was asking was because she wanted to know that he was moving on. She said that she has been dating a few people and that she found someone that she really liked but the only downside was that he lives in Australia. His response was, "oh, congratulations" and she said, "Thanks for the link. I hope you're doing well and you'll find someone that's good for you. We just weren't the right fit."
I was upset when reading it. I wanted to give him a chance to tell me. In the end, he did admit to me that he spoke to her a few days ago... He told me partially the whole truth, but not the whole truth. He tried convincing me by showing me his messages to her, but he DELETED the "i miss having you in my life," "yes but nobody compares to you" messages. He lied to me, told me I was being crazy, and that was the whole message. I then told him that he deleted something and he denied it for two hours. I revealed to him that I was snooping and I did happen to read it. I'm not saying that it was right to snoop, I was just hoping that my gut instinct was wrong and was a false alarm. He got quiet for awhile and then he finally admitted that he did delete a few messages.
I was really upset. I told him that I was fine if he wanted to be friends with his ex-girlfriend, but the reason why I was not okay with it now was because of the way he spoke to her. I thought it was rude and disrespectful towards me. She's dating someone and she's not telling him that she missed having him in her life, etc. I said I would've considered it fine if he just sent her the link and just said, "hey, it's no problem. How are you doing?" versus "I miss having you in my life."
I told him that I felt like it was disloyal, dishonest, and disrespectful towards me. He couldn't see it... He didn't see it as him being disloyal. He apologized for lying and he told me that he doesn't want to get back together with her. He admitted that when we first started dating, he wasn't completely over her and that he was still debating about me. He then said that his feelings for her has changed up until now and his feelings for me have changed, too. He said he just wanted to be friends with her because she was a big part of his life and it was upsetting that she didn't even want to be friends with him (at least right now). And that he wanted to be serious with me.
He said that the way he worded the way he said those things to her, was that she knows him better than anybody else and he knows her better than anyone else other than her parents, she would understand what he meant. But it didn't seem like it to me if she asked him right afterward if he was dating other people. I told him that I was uncomfortable of him talking to her that way, and if she didn't want to be friends, I thought it would be healthy for him to let it go.
If anything, he got defensive. He seemed to use the fact that I "snooped" a bigger deal. He said he didn't feel guilty of the conversation or the way he spoke to her but he did feel bad that I read it. I told him that if he told me everything from the beginning, I wouldn't have snooped, I would have trusted him to continually tell me things like that if he told me the first time. He didn't see it as him being disloyal, but he did apologize and see fault in lying. He told me he didn't want to tell me because during the day that she messaged him, he thought about it only for about that day and they didn't talk for months before. And after that, he forgot about it and focused on me. He tried seeing me more and he wanted to make me his priority.
After him lying to me and the fact that I don't trust him anymore. I'm not sure what to do or what to think. I was hoping to gain some perspective from a third-party on this situation. What do you think I should do? Do you think he's telling me the truth? Or is he lying? Should I forgive him and set boundaries and consequences? Or should I completely leave him?
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Do you believe him?
Here's the thing: You were never expected to see those messages. They were private. They were how he felt at one time, for a few minutes, while texting an ex. It's not disrespectful of him to HAVE feelings like that, or even to type them to someone. It might have hurt you, but that doesn't mean he is a horrible person. Feelings evolve and change, daily, even hourly. The fact that he felt that way once, doesn't mean he's definitely a filthy liar. He could just mean that he is a complicated and messy human being, like all of us are.
He could be telling you the complete truth - He felt that way once, or for a moment in time, but it doesn't reflect all the ways he think and feels for you now.
Here is the thing, not only did you snoop - you lied about snooping in order to entrap him. The right way to handle that would have been "Dude, I snooped. I shouldn't have, and I am sorry, but we need to talk about what I found because it's a serious issue." You didn't come clean about your snooping, not because you wanted to give him a chance to be honest, but because you were hurt and you wanted to make him hurt. You snooped, which is wrong and a betrayal, and then you lied about having snooped, which is also wrong and betrayal.
He is legitimately pissed with you. What you did is at LEAST as bad as what he did. Frankly, I think it's way worse. What he did may well have been a momentarily lapse in judgement. You actively choose to snoop through his things and then again actively choose to lie about what you'd done.
Seriously. You don't have to like it, or even admit to it yourself, but you fucked up at least as badly as he did. What you did was at least as disrespectful and disloyal. It doesn't mater much at all what you found, or what your gut told you, it matters what you did and did fucked up.
If you don't believe his explanation, then break it off.
If you believe him when he says that he wants to be serious with you now (which could absolutely be the 100% truth, I don't know. You are the one who actually knows him. You're going to be the best judge of that.) then you should forgive this. Not punish him or set boundaries or consequences - you have ZERO right to pull that sort of shit. You have no moral high-ground here - just forgive, believe in him, and move forward.
And, if you believe him and want to be with him, you also need to ask his forgiveness, both for the snooping, and the shitty, mean-spirited way you handled what you found out.
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Now you know, that if something better comes along or if his ex ever wanted him back he would leave u. Maybe you should consider dumping him.
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Him saying he misses her in his life is one thing...bad enough. But if these are the actual words, then he shot himself in the foot with, " "yes but nobody compares to you"
He has a picture in his mind of what he is looking for, or thinks he wants in a girl and if no one else comes near it or is better than it, than he is not going to be loyal to her. I'd say you're just the spot filler, until he finds someone he really likes. Thats not fair to you.
Boundaries should be set at the beginning of a relationship. But way before finding someone to be in relationship with, I believe someone else is Way more important to do. I believe you wrote before and I didn't think anything was really wrong by what you wrote. This however is an entirely different matter. No problem chatting and saying hello to a past friend but the context of what he said is the problem. You're wasting your time with a guy who isn't all that into you. It is a good thing to practice forgiveness....BUT, forgiving someone doesnt mean you have to continue to be in relationship with them cus lying isn't the only problem, it just may be that the two of you are just not a good match for each other. It sounds like the past girlfriend was a bit more self confident as far as knowing what she wants from a guy and letting guys know what that is and not willing to settle for anything less. Since she left him, apparently your current boyfriend didn't match up to her high standards. You might be able to learn a lesson from her. I've read and studied and Yes, men are attracted to women who are confident, know what they want and not afraid to ask for it. This means the female sets the standards for the guy to meet and if he doesnt, She dumps him. This way of being will attract guys who are not good for you also, like moths attracted to a bug zapper. Before finding my 2nd husband on line, many guys wrote to me because as I have more recently had confirmed in my study on the internet, men just find a confident woman sexy whehter she's right for him or him right for her. I had literally hundreds of guys write to me...not bragging, thats how many guys are looking for a female for sex or companionship too and of course the greatest majority for totally wrong for me. How did I know? I had a list of criteria he must meet before I would even go out on a first date with the guy. If he couldn't meet those, I would write back, sorry but I am not interested.
You need to be in better touch with yourself, who you are, what you're passionate about in life, your morals, values, hopes and dreams etc... and based on that and really understanding what you need in a guy, you make a list of criteria. That is what dating is for, once you see enough good stuff to interest you on a surface level, you date to dig deeper and learn more. There is much to learn about another person and too often we don't talk enough and ask enough to learn really who that other person is at core.
I know you have no such list, because if you did, you'd be looking at it and realizing that you are not happy with him and he doesnt meet the standard of what you are looking for and expecting.
Hon, it can be depressing but you must keep your standards high to attract really good men. If you don't, you are basically training males to treat females with disrespect and not realizing it.
Here's something I came up against cus it takes a person a little while to let down the mask or false facade they hide behind when first meeting. I met a guy who seemed to fit my standards. Two dates and I was willing to continue to date more to see if I really did like him as a person. The 3rd date was at his house. He said he had cooked me dinner. When I arrived, he apologized for how terribly messy his place looked. It was clean and tidy as far as I could see, but his words are what set the alarm bells going, he was blaming a hispanic maid he hired for cleaning and calling her but all sorts of racial slurs and kept going, building up steam about how horrible a person she was. After that dinner, I went home and never saw him again. Oh, but maybe that might be the only time he said something bad about another person and it wasn't directed at me, right? Wrong. Before that, I came out of an abusive marriage, verbally abusive. I learned the hard way that the first sign of talking unkindly about another person and sharing that around, or the use of racial slurs, or venting anger, having a low view of women in his world instead of upholding them, meant that it was a matter of time before he would turn those same traits on me as the ex did. I dumped him. You need to let a guy go the moment he commits his first grievious error against you. But he won't know unless you tell him before hand what your standards are, that he has broken them. If you forgive him and keep him, he will know as any little kid disregarding their parents rules, that they can get away with it, every time cus there are no dreadful consequences. Theres a saying "fool me once--then shame on you, fool me twice, then shame on me". If you let the guy have a 2nd chance and he repeats his bad behavior,and you still don't leave him, it sends a silent message that you don't really love yourself enough to demand better treatment and leave the guys (who are warned at the beginning of dating) the moment they break a rule the first time. They pick up the message that you see yourself as no better than the 'kick-dog' something to be used and abused and let your frustrations out on or fulfill your sexual needs on without caring anything about you. You may as well be a blow up doll!
Okay, so what to do at this point? Hurry up and make up that list of what you will and won't put up with. Look closely at it, does me meet the main criteria. I had about 7 a guy had to meet. Another list of wants are not deal breakers like I prefer a guy with long hair but if he prefers shaving his head, thats acceptable too. So can you make your list and present it to him now? I don't think so. It's too late. You've already set the standard for his treatment of you by not having any standards. He is not going to change to keep you if his attitude of all women is to not put any effort into the relationship and try to get as much as he can out of it while doing nothing, being a lazy mate. Remember, that's why he was dumped, there's something wrong...either they just didn't have chemistry or he didn't put his half of hard effort into the relationship. As I always say, "Happily ever after doesnt happen just because you wish it so, It only happens when both parties put maximum effort in to make it so. That came from my experience in last marriage. I was the only one putting in 100% effort and he didn't. One partner carrying it all isn't enough to make a relationship work. You can pretend he is your boyfriend or me, my husband, but it was nothing more than an empty shell. Considering just the things he said, that shows where his heart is, whether you are important to him or not, lack of respect and worship of you as his partner, if he had done that to me, I wouldn't have wondered if he's telling the truth or not, I simply have left him the moment I read all that.
It takes some of us a lot longer to have enough respect for ourselves and love for ourselves to remove ourself from a bad situation or relationship. I was one of them. Stayed 30 yrs and raised kids together. However knowing what I know now, I hope to help girls like you set high standard and stick to them so you don't waste many years of your life with a loser.
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