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Left home, family is still controlling me
I'm 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and I am working on my combined masters and doctoral program. I am really trying to gain independence from them because they are controlling, in an extremely unhealthy way. Let me just give you an idea of how unhealthy they are. When my mom gets her nails done with me, and she doesn't like the color that i've picked, she will tell the nail technician to change my color and will make a big stink about it. I have class and work 3 times a week. The other days, I need to study. I have a lot of work.
At home, there is no privacy. I do not even have my own room, which was one of the reasons I decided to go to this university. I needed a place to study. I did not want to go to where I did my undergrad, because they would have expected me to live at home. Yet, they still find ways to control me nearly an hour away.
My mom cries because she says that she doesn't want me to be driving on the expressway. They even went as far as to suggest that I don't have a car with me while I'm over there so that I don't get tempted to drive back. However, I need my car to get to work because although i work for the university, I don't work right on campus. I work about 10 minutes away. On the days that I'm not over there, my mom wants to drive to the university, pick me up, and take me home. She wants me to be home 4 days a week and in my place only 3 days. I think that would be fine if it wasn't so rigid. If I wanted to come back home. But, she wants me home whether I want to be there or not, whether I have a big project or something going on. When I'm home, I don't even have the opportunity go out with friends. They don't want me driving at night, they like for me to be home by 11. Even though I don't have a "curfew," they will blow up my phone. The only way that they are okay with me going out and being out late is if I'm on a date and the guy is driving. Yet, my boyfriend is not allowed in my house because they hate him.
I just feel like they are controlling me so much. I always thought that when I moved out, it would be different. I thought that once I got married, it would be different. But, if they are so controlling, I don't know how to get them to stop. I just want to have a normal life. I don't want to come home at 2 in the morning. I want to come home at 11 or 12, but I'd like to drive. I'm a grown woman. I would like to be able to spend one weekend in my apartment (if I feel like it) and not be dragged out by my hair. I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying. I understand worrying, but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like life isn't worth living anymore if it's all about them controlling me. I have no peace.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I get the feeling that you might be an only child; would I be correct in that feeling? If so the problem is not you and it is not unique for only children. Parents of only children either don't want to or are afraid to let go. I'm guilty of this myself as I have only one child.
My son is 14 years older than you and I'm always more comfortable and much less worried when he is here with us then in his home 50 miles away. It took time but I learned that I had to let go and let him lead his own life. It's not that I didn't trust him. If I didn't trust him I'd be in a Looney bin by now as he has one of the most dangerous jobs you can have as he is a firefighter/paramedic. It is I just know if he is with me I can protect him more when the reality is he is more capable of protecting me.
That being said what you need to do is stand up to your mother. When you’re having your nails done and she tells the technician to change the color stand up for yourself and say NO this is the color I want. If by chance she is paying and says something like, "Well I'm paying for your nails and this is the color I want." Be prepared to pay for your own nails and say, "In that case I will pay for my own nails and that is the color I have chosen."
You are an adult if you wish to stay in your apartment, do so. Tell your mother you have work or studying to do or you have a date whatever reason you need to stay at YOUR HOME and stay there. If she blows up your phone TURN IT OFF. If she shows up at your door send her home. You are an adult she cannot drag you out of YOUR HOME by your hair. That would be KIDNAPPING and tell her so.
When she cries and asks why are you doing this to her, tell her. Mom I'm and adult entitled to my own life and my privacy. You cannot control me the way you are trying to. If you continue to do so you will force me to take out a protective order against you (this is a threat only). You need help to let go of me so we can have a healthy mother and daughter relationship. Right now our relationship is not healthy for either of us. See a counselor get some therapy before you totally ruin our relationship forever.
Keep repeating this to her and stay the course in taking control of your life. If need be get a protection order; if that is the only way you can take control of your life. The threat of doing so hopefully will be all you need to do.
You have a lot on your plate in going for a combined masters and doctorate. You need the time to do the work and you need the stability in your life to obtain your objectives. Most of all you need to take control of your life or your mother will always control you. The longer you wait to do this the harder it will be.
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"I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying."
You cannot control what your mother does. You can only decide what *you* will do.
To help you do that, it might be helpful to name this behaviour what it is: it's abuse. You are an emotionally abused person, who comes from an emotionally abused childhood, and you are exactly like a whole segment of people exactly like you. Your problems are not unique, not even close.
"but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven"
Jesus H Christ - this is not *normal*! Don't you get it? Normal people don't behave like this.
Forget ever getting her to change. She never will. Ever. If you have a little fantasy where you say just exactly the right words to her and she sees what a bad person she has been being and stops - abandon it. Ain't never going to happen.
"I thought that once I got married, it would be different."
You are married? Let me guess: your husband and you have fights because you are all "no I have to go see my mother" and he is all "but don't you see that she is just controlling you? etc etc.
How about you let your husband win one of these fights, for once? How about you and he - I dunno - go on a picnic or something? How about you put him mom the phone when your mother starts with the thing?
Why not let him help you, instead of fighting him?
I'm just guessing that that's the way it is - but I could be right.
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The plain fact is, you're not ready to be totally free from their control or you'd be doing it.
What may be holding you back is that the measures you'd need to take, you fear will send the message that you no longer love them and will hurt them greatly.
Your mom's problem is that she doesn't have a life. that saying "Get a life" is important. Some people reach your moms age and have never done anything for themselves, always been in service to others, as a wife to husband and as mother to her children and has tried to live her life through others rather than find one of her own. She can have her own life and still have you in hers but not in such a stranglehold way.
She may be doing what her own mom did to her, steal your life away, so your life is lived to please someone else, or mom. Then you end up with no life of your own either and possibly will do the same to your own kids one day, controlling them as you try to live your life you never had, through them.
Need idea's? Read on.
First, never EVER, go to get nails done with Mom especially if she's paying...dont' ever put yourself in a position of owing her cus she's paying. If you still want to go with her, pay your own way. You may be her child but she's the own acting like one in this case so you will need to be the adult. A child, even a grown one, who doesn't get their way throws tantrums. So be prepared for this from her. Too many parents give up when their kids throw tantrums and end up with a spoiled brat. Your mom has never had anyone stand up to her, or if they did, she no longer trys cus they trained her that her controlling and meddling won't work with them. So next time, you look at the nail technician and say, I am paying for my own manicure and nail polish so I will have that color, not what my mom said. You turn to Mom as soon as she complains or attempts bossing you or the technician around, and in a calm controlled voice keep repeating one phrase until she quiets down long enough for you to be heard, yes....talking over her while she's squawking. You say "Mom, if you keep insisting to choose colors for me as if I were a non-person, I will no longer get nails done with you." At some point she is hopefully quiet enough for you to ask if she understand what you said. Then ask her to repeat it back to you. Then ask if she is willing to do it. If not, remind her then that this was the last time doing a mother-daughter date out.
If you are on the family phone plan...get off it. As long as she's paying, she'll abuse the power of that position. Get your own phone. You may not be able to afford your ownj iphone, but there are still old style flip phones out there for just calls and texting. Do internet on your laptop. I have a plan $25 a month unlimited calls, texting and long distance, nothing extra ever. That's affordable for a college student. Make sure to get a restricted number and do not hand it out to mom. You call then when you want to talk and tell her you have to go when you're ready to end the call. If she keeps talking, talk over her again without raising your voice repeating a phrase. I really need to go now Mom but I love you." If you have to repeat it several dozen times before she acknowledges it, so be it, it'll still take up less time than listening to her for the next couple hours.
Use this same tactic with anything your mom insists on having her way. Do the same regarding the car topic. If you don't want to go home 4 times a week, say so. If she tells you that she's driving over to come get you, you simply tell her it will be a wasted trip because you will not be leaving. If your mother cries as much as you say she does, she needs professional help. And you can't give her that. If opening the door to mom means she pushes her way in, grabs you and your purse and drags you out the door physically, then don't open the door to her, talk to her through the door and let her know you meant what you said earlier, you are not going to her house.
Now, does she treat everyone like this. If you have siblings surely they get some of the same. Is there a Dad? If so let him know of your concerns. Perhaps she controls him too so he has no opinion. In that case you might check with any living sisters or brothers of hers or her parents and let them know what is going on. That you are concerned for her when she cries for hours as you assert your own independence and choices. You might want to tell them all details as you've written here and more and ask if they would suggest to Mom that she go to see a Psychologist because this just isn't normal. She won't take this well coming from anyone but it least likely to consider it if coming from her own child. But the possibility if caring adult family members other than her kids were to talk to her, eventually she may warm up to the idea of getting help. People will such strong controlling tendencies will do it with not just one person but many, however one person can be their target more often than others. This is a mental health issue that other people suffer from as well and the need for intervention of a professional is a must. And even so, with help of a professional, some do not improve enough to avoid driving all family away from them and destroying relationships. You will have to be strong. Giving in to Moms demands means you're just feeding her problem just giving the drunk asking for money for alcohol is helping him to stay stuck.
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