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My Best Friend's Problematic Marriage
This question is really for people who have managed to work out relatively happy marriages. Preferably men who are experienced in marriage would be helpful too, but women might also be able to help.
I am worried about my best friend's marriage. I really don't want this to turn into a big problem, leading to him getting a divorce. He would be absolutely crushed.
My best friend is 30 years old and he moved out of state to live with his girlfriend, who he married two months ago. The two of them have lived together for over a year.
The problem is more complicated once you consider the different cultures between the two partners. His wife was born in China and immigrated to Canada when she was four years old, and later moved to the United States at age 24.
He, my best friend, is a geek who is not into sports but he is still all American. His parents basically raised him by following the American dream, they met in high school, established careers, got married and brought their own home where they raised two children, a boy and a girl.
This morning he texted me explaining that she frustrates him sometimes by giving him the silent treatment and asking if he still loves her. He is the socially awkward type who lost his virginity at age 23, after finally getting a real girlfriend, and this is his first real long-term relationship. The two of them have been together for three years. So, I assume that it's a communication problem, and sometimes the negligence of showing how much he truly loves her.
Another issue is that they never get time apart. Seriously, they are together sixteen hours a day, living together in a small one studio apartment, working together at her brother-in-law's company, etcetera.
Also, he has never had any real independence. He lived with his parents until he finally moved out of state to be with his now wife. So, his parents basically did everything for him for most of his life. His dad still pays his cellphone bill.
I suggested that they do whatever it takes to get some time apart. Regardless of whether or not that is renting a room in the beautiful state that borders them, getting a smaller friendly dog to take on walks in the park, or making their own friends who they hang out with by themselves at times. He thinks that the idea of renting a separate room is ridiculous.
At 23 I am still considerably younger than him, and I sometimes feel awkward giving advice because I really don't know what to say. Please help me help him, he has always been there for me when I needed him and it's turn to do something for him.
My mother and grandmother are stressing that I need to basically stay out of this. I dated him for five months years ago, I lost my virginity to him, so there is a history there. HOWEVER, I have a boyfriend of three years, who is absolutely awesome, and has no reservations about this friendship.
Please don't tell me to cut him out of my life, or that I'm making problems in the marriage, because I need him in my life. He is so supportive and amazing, and the past is definitely behind us.
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Razhie is right, the last thing he needs is an old girlfriend offering him advice, especially if his wife finds out you are the one that is advising him on his marriage problems. There should not be a problem with a man and a women being friends even if they were past lovers. If either one of them is having a relationship problem the friend needs to back off until it rectifies itself to whatever degree it does or they become part of the problem and not part of the solution.
I know you both need and want him in your life. We all have friends like that. There are times though when the best thing you can do for a friend like this is to step back and be supportive and be there for them when and if things go down the drain. Lets say for a moment you were to offer your friend advice and he were to follow it and things go terribly wrong. Who do you think he will blame? He will not blame himself he will blame you and that friendship you value so much goes down the drain with it. In these situations there is rarely a win/win situation for the third party.
There are those among us who might be able to offer him some advice though it would be better if he wrote to us himself giving us some more details of what is wrong in his marriage and what is being said between them.
Just for the record there is always an adjustment period during the first 3, 4, 5 years of marriage. First you have the honeymoon period. Then comes the realization of what marriage is all about and the fact you must work together to make it work. This is the adjustment period where you deal with household chores, bills and everything else that goes into a marriage. There can be some rough spots during this period if they have not prepared themselves for it.
Marriage is not all sex and the good life. It is everything you saw while growing up that your parents did and may even argued over that you said will never happen to you. Then one morning you wake up and that world falls on you like a ton of bricks. This just may be where your friends are. If they truly love each other they will work through this. IF they can't as I said the best thing you can do is be there for your friend if the bottom drops out of his world.
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You need to stay out of this. You are an ex girlfriend, and just because you don't want him back or anything, doesn't mean that the history you is a non-issue. Simply your status as ex girlfriend could make his problems worse, not better, no matter how little interest either of you have in the other.
"Staying out of it" doesn't mean you can't be there for him when he calls, or listen sympathetically, but it doesn't mean that offering advice isn't your job. The best advice you can give him is to seek counselling - if she wont go with him, he can go alone.
You may certainly be right that he has personal needs and interests that need addressing, but some of the rest of your advice (getting a dog, renting another room) really does betray your lack and experience as well as crosses the line to inappropriate meddling in his marriage.
It's lovely and normal to want to give someone advice when they are unhappy, but it really doesn't sound like your impulse to advise is helping right now. Being a friend doesn't mean having all the answers, it just means listening, connecting and respecting another person.
Keep the friendship - but stop it with the half-thought out advice and meddling. Don't feel bad for not being his therapist. That's not your job. You are there to listen and be a friend, not have the all the answers to his marriage woes. He and wife are the two people who are capable of coming up with those answers. It's not your role, and if you try to take it on, you'll get burned.
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The problem here is that there's only one answer people can give you, and you have decided that you don't want to hear it.
"because I need him in my life. He is so supportive and amazing"
What really needs to happen here is that he needs to get on advicenators and ask for some help dealing with you. Because you are not on his side - you are on yours.
Sorry.
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